Posts Tagged ‘Tony Holmes’
Saturday, August 1st, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Its stores were all closed in the fall.
Outside, not one occupied stall.
They’ll auction away
The whole complex today;
Which proves that you CAN win a mall.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special NAG-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
If I prod you to zig when you zag,
Or try spurring you on when you lag,
You just snort like a horse.
So I’m puzzled, of course,
As to which one of us is the nag.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
Though her husband’s been dead since September
And it’s now two weeks into December,
Mrs. D. finds no peace,
No surcease, no release
From the words she will always remember:
“Humpty dear,” she had nagged, “I’ll be bound,
You are getting entirely too round.
Just watching you dress
Is a source of distress:
You’ve outgrown all your clothing!” she’d frowned —
But he’d smiled! “Dear, don’t worry at all;
I’ll just buy some new clothes at the mall.
Have you seen their new ad?
‘Come on down — you’ll be glad —
Buy our specials and Have a Great Fall!'”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Peter Sheil, Jean McEwen, Suzanne Heymann, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MALL/MAUL” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Said the globetrotter, “I’ve seen it all —
Machu Picchu! The grand Taj Mahal!
But the best sight I’ve seen?
Back in two aught nineteen:
An old ghost town some folks called ‘The Mall.’”
Tim James:
At Home Depot I purchased a maul
Since I’ll need to split wood in the fall.
It’s a sharp, nasty tool.
There’s no risk, though; it’s cool.
It turns out I can’t lift it at all.
Peter Sheil:
For the seasonal sale in the fall
An American goes to the mall,
While his young British pal
Goes to shop in the mall—
Though in truth there’s no difference at all.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’m sure to stay busy through fall,
Since I’m summoned by poetry’s call.
Loads of odes still to mangle,
Then torture and strangle,
Plus lim’ricks galore I can maul!
Jean McEwen:
When I wander around in the mall,
I will oft hear that clarion call:
“Come buy it! You need it!”
I try not to heed it,
Yet always head home with a haul.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (NAG LIMERICK DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
If she nags you, don’t nag back or diss her.
She might leave you, and then you would miss her.
If she just starts to blabber,
Don’t jab her, don’t stab her.
Just nab her and grab her, then kiss her!
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I found my old nag by the brook.
He threw up and then violently shook.
Seems he ate too much hay;
He sure wasn’t okay
And he gave me a real baleful look
Tony Holmes:
“From a lifetime of losing on nags,
Chasing women, and too many fags*,
I can say for a cert
That, though losing my shirt,
When you give them up – Wow! – how time drags.”
*Fags in the UK are cigarettes.
Dave Johnson:
Double jeopardy answers the bell
When a partner is picky as hell.
Critique without pause
Is most likely to cause
A headache that’s nagging as well.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Peter Sheil, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, July 18th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
Every good writing venue’s gone stale:
Staying home feels like being in jail;
They’ve closed down the café;
Renting space doesn’t pay;
In the garden today, there was hail.
Now my laptop has gone and dropped dead!
So I’m counting my woes from my bed:
I have nowhere to write
And a jinx I can’t fight…
And this “block” they all cite? That’s my head.
Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special WRITER’S BLOCK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“I’m leaving you, Steve,” said my muse,
“If MadKane is the forum you choose.
I inspired the Greeks
But you limerick geeks
Make my sisters and me hit the booze.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Richard Campbell, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Konrad Schwoerke, Wayne Feder, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HAIL/HALE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WRITERS’S BLOCK LIMERICKS)
Richard Campbell:
The storm was a monster — a gale.
The thunder and lightning! I’d quail.
(Damn! Now what is that rhyme?
My mind blanks all the time.
Those little ice balls are called…)
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HAIL/HALE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
Wear a mask in a crowd? Epic fail!
Against loss of my freedoms I rail.
I can say without doubt
That it’s safe to go out.
(Just whatever you do, don’t inhale.)
Roger Haugen:
“Through rain storms and snow storms and hail,
Count on us to deliver the mail.”
A laudable creed,
But often its speed
Is close to the pace of a snail.
Brian Allgar:
“My rallies are right off the scale;
With supporters like that, I can’t fail!
They give straight-arm salutes
And wear goose-stepping boots,
But who’s this guy “Sieg” that they hail?”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
As a senior, I’m no longer hale.
I can spot someone’s face, but I fail
To remember a name,
And I feel such deep shame
When my train of thought starts to derail.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Through rain, sleet, and snow — even hail —
A manly man stays on the trail
Till he finds the right slot
To insert what he’s got.
I’m referring (of course) to the mail.
Tony Holmes:
“Let me put it this way,” said the doc’,
“From now on, keep both eyes on the clock.
Neither hearty nor hale,
One false step and you’ll fail.”
Did this guy never hear the word, ‘shock’?
Lisi Nortman:
I remember my wild days at Yale
When I followed the “pot smoking trail.”
I smoked it in heat;
Also rain, snow and sleet.
But I just didn’t want to in hail.
Kirk Miller:
He embarked on a dieting craze.
The results never ceased to amaze.
When he stepped on the scale,
Loss of weight he would hail.
It was clear he was changing his weighs.
Suzanne Heymann:
There’s a drink that is better than ale;
It has vodka, tomato juice, kale,
Salt-rimmed glass for the ride.
Open wide, let it slide.
That’s one Caesar that I’d like to hail!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRITER’S BLOCK LIMERICK DIVISION)
Konrad Schwoerke:
What to write? What to write? What to write?
What to write? What to write? What a plight!
What to… wait, here’s a thought!
No, it’s gone—I’m distraught.
What to write? What to… fuck it, good night.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
To my teacher I said, “I’m a wreck —
Writer’s block is a pain in the neck!”
“From what you have written,”
Said she, “You’ve been smitten
perhaps less with ‘block’ than with ‘blech.’”
Wayne Feder:
Writers block! Are you out of your gourd?
Let’s get your commitment restored.
All you’ll need for a muse
Is one page of the news,
To find grist for a Nobel Award.
Tim James:
A writer who’d taken a crack
At a JFK book said, “Alack!
When I tried to compose,
My whole brain up and froze.
Simply stated, I couldn’t write jack.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I went to the shrink and he said,
“I know you’ve a feeling of dread.
The words will come back;
You’ve a wonderful knack.
But you have to stop punching your head.”
Jean McEwen:
Among limerick wordsmiths, my rank
Is as low as can be, to be frank.
Once Mad Kane gives the prompt
You would think I’d be swamped
With eurekas – and yet, my mind’s blank.
Kirk Miller:
An author, a priest, set his sights
On writing a novel, but fights
Writer’s block that’s so dread,
Inspiration is dead.
So the padre performs his last writes.
Dave Johnson:
“I think this one’s gonna be fun;
It might have a pretty good run.
The challenging part
Is just where do I start?”
– When Tolstoy imagined Page One…
Tim James:
As I’ve aged, it has come as a shock:
When I write, my brain goes into lock.
There are others like me;
We’ve united, you see.
Come and join us: The Old Writers’ Bloc.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Richard Campbell, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Wayne Feder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, July 4th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Assuming the posture of lotus,
Buddha lifted his voice to give notice:
“You may chant on this knoll
If it pleases your soul —
But you’re gone if your mantra is ‘POTUS.’”
Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special WEAPON-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Said Lizzy, “I’m grabbing an axe,
And my mother I’ll give 40 whacks.
Though that may seem uncouth,
I’ve discovered the truth:
She writes checks to Republican PACs.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Elaine Person, Janice Power, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SOLE/SOUL” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
Asked the sage of his student: “Young soul,
How is Donald J. Trump like a mole?”
Well, the boy was wise too
And his answer was true:
“Both their heads are lodged deep in a hole.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Though your homophones, Oscar, are droll,”
Mused Richard, “this piece on the whole…
Well, I like ti with bread,
But a note ‘pulling thread’?
Any chance you might brighten up sol?”
Elaine Person:
I just met a cool man named Cole,
Who played his guitar with great soul.
He asked, “Do you play?”
I replied, “In what way?”
For I had a non-music goal.
Tim James:
Many years from now, Trump bares his soul:
“I regret that I lost all control.
I renounce my bad acts!”
But it’s time to face facts:
There’s no WAY that he’s making parole.
Janice Power:
Making devil’s food cake was her goal;
On her fate, though, it took quite a toll.
For this offer she took
From the demon’s cookbook:
“For my recipe, sell me your soul.”
Brian Allgar:
The fish swam around in a shoal.
God was angry, and told them: “Your role
Should be worshipping Me!”
They said: “As you can see,
We’re sardines, and we don’t have a sole.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Three fiddlers who knew Old King Cole,
Scoffed, “THIS guy? A merry old soul?
You should see what an ass
He can be without grass,
So we fill up his pipe and his bowl.”
Brian Allgar:
Since “God’s Chosen One” is his role,
Well, of course Donald Trump has “a soul.”
But there’s one little twist:
Theologians insist
That it should be pronounced as “asshole.”
Dave Johnson:
Some researchers have a new goal:
Determine if Trump has a soul.
One summed it up best:
“It’s an arduous quest;
We’re combing a bottomless hole.”
Tony Holmes:
In denial, Dad spurned self-control,
And repeatedly loaded his bowl;
But it wasn’t the fries
That secured his demise,
But a hook that was left in the sole.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WEAPONS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
There’s a reason I’ve no wish to trifle
With the likes of a pistol or rifle:
My aim’s more impressive
When passive-aggressive.
(More conspicuous urges, I stifle.)
Steve Benko:
Said Oog, “Me go hunt now with spear.”
But his wife said, “You full of lies, dear.
What you call ‘business trip’
Is excuse; I am hip
To what means your Neanderthal leer.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Elaine Person, Janice Power, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, June 20th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his funny limerick, inspired by this news item: “NYC Health Dept. urges New Yorkers to consider wearing face masks during sex.”
Social distancing leads me to drink;
Into boredom and torpor I sink.
“Take advantage,” they say,
“Of the new games to play!”
A masked ball, though, just isn’t my kink.
Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Special PUNCTUATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Tell me: Why must there be so much drama
Regarding the use of a comma
Instead of a period?
Yee gads! The myriad
Rules give me scholarly trauma.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Wayne Feder Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Tony Holmes, Ken Gosse, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SINK/SYNC” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
How low can the President sink?
Is there nothing from which he will shrink?
All his statements are lies;
That includes (no surprise!)
Any sentence beginning “I think …”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My machines grow increasingly clever,
Well equipped for most any endeavor.
Some will talk, some just think —
Either way, they’re in sync,
And have no use for me whatsoever.
Tim James:
His boat is now deep in the drink.
How’d it happen? He started to link
The computer on board
With his cell phone. “Good lord!”
He cried out as he watched the boat sync.
Wayne Feder:
Four years will pass by in a wink,
Then Don will have more time to think.
My guess, five to ten,
In a six by eight pen,
With just a commode and a sink.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, on Synchronized Swimming:
I felt so dejected and blue
After reading “The Swimming Review.”
Seems one swimmer “in sync”
Sadly drowned from a drink,
So the other ones had to drown too.
Steve Whitred:
My fridge is beginning to stink
And potatoes grow under the sink.
The grass is as high
As a field full of rye,
But I’ll watch one more ‘Ozark’ I think.
Will T. Laughlin:
The name of the band was N’Sync.
I tried them, to see what I’d think,
But I soon had enough
Of such juvenile stuff…
They should call them N’Toilet. They stink.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PUNCTUATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Punctuation in Spanish is cool.
“Put the marks at the start” is the rule.
“Turn them upside-down” too.
¿Es verdad? Is that true?
¡Por supuesto! Of course! I’m no fool!
Tony Holmes:
You can make a good point with a dash;
Gives your writing that something – panache!
But beware of abuse –
Be judicious in use –
Thus avoiding dismissal as “Brash!”
Lisi Nortman:
The Kanes took a walk in the park.
Mad shrieked, “Wow! that dog sure can bark!”
Hubby said, “It’s a deer.
You are wrong. Can’t you hear?”
(Mad knows she should not question Mark.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Semicolons, I think, are intended
For a thought, if it’s split, to be mended.
But I must say “Amen!”
To the semi paren
(Which keeps discourse like this open-ended
Ken Gosse:
A persnickety writer once wrote
Punctuation should help to connote
And to clarify meaning,
Requiring preening
That’s used to enlighten, not smote.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
John painted a beautiful mural,
Depicting a scene that is rural.
It is called “Country View’s.”
But why’d this fool use
An apostrophe right in a plural?
Tim James:
The apostrophes often abused;
Lot’s of people dont know how its used.
They cant grasp, though they try,
All the rule’s that apply.
There are time’s even I get confused.
Fred Bortz:
I’m writing a note to Obama
Asking how to resist all the drama
That comes from Trump’s tweeting,
Protesting, and bleating.
I’ve begun “Dear Barack” and a comma.
Now I’m wondering, as I get rollin’,
Does “Barack” make it sound like I’m trollin’?
It’s clearly not normal
To be so informal.
I’ll start with “Dear Sir” and a colon.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Wayne Feder, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (446)
Saturday, June 6th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
As her dance reached its physical peak,
Her kid brother called out this critique:
“Swing your butt side to side
In an arc high and wide!”
Yes, the twerp thinks her twerk needs a tweak.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special RUDENESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
While tending a gardening chore,
A T-shirt is all that he wore.
His bent-over stance
Drew a passerby’s glance;
An asshole she tried to ignore.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Wayne Feder, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PEAK/PEEK/PIQUE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RUDENESS LIMERICKS)
Steve Whitred:
There’s a woman in Queens, have you guessed?
Puts our limerick skills to the test.
If at her you feel pique
Or the urge to critique,
Just remember she’s doing her best.
So don’t gripe, grumble, grouse, and don’t brood.
Don’t be churlish, self-centered, or rude.
I must say this because
We all love what she does
And don’t like when her good work is booed.
Sharon Neeman:
As the lockdown relaxes this week,
My gray hair’s sticking up in a peak,
All my frocks are too tight,
My complexion’s a fright,
And I haven’t a shred of mystique.
It’s all true, I admit it — but, dude,
Did you honestly buy me a snood?
And what’s THIS thing — a sack?
That’s no dress! Take it back…
No, you KNOW what? Go pack! You’re too rude!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PEAK/PEEK/PIQUE” RHYME DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
“Kiss my ass!” Peter shrieked in fake pique.
So obligingly, Mel, who is meek.
Felt compelled to submit
And to lick it a bit–
Unaware it was all “tongue in cheek.”
Steve Whitred:
Well, I once had a fling with a freak,
And her fetish was fairly unique;
She was awesome in bed,
But what filled me with dread
Was when Polly her parrot would peek.
Cuz, not only did Pollyanne peek,
But my paramour taught her to speak.
She’d say “Squack!” And “Oh blast
Don’t you want this to last?”
And, “I’m not touching that with my beak!”
Lisi Nortman:
On our drive, things were suddenly bleak.
I started to shake and felt weak,
Cuz we noticed a sign
That said, “Crafts By Design,”
Then heard, “Honey, let’s take a quick peek.”
Dave Johnson:
Pelosi unleashed a critique;
That Trump was just wimpy and weak.
On Twitter she found
That her message was sound;
She’d climbed to the top of his pique.
Tim James:
I’m a Luddite, a lazy old chap.
High-tech smart phones? I don’t give a rap.
But my int’rest would peak
If some talented geek
Wrote a program to download a nap.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Grab a Bible, a church, and a cop,
And a camouflage outfit — chop-chop!”
When they heard Kushner speak —
His excitement at peak —
They all knew that it meant Photo Op!
Will T. Laughlin:
From his bunker, King Trump risks a peek…
Then utters a terrified shriek:
“The election’s suspended!
Democracy’s ended!
I just saw a PROTESTOR! Eeek!!”
Brian Allgar:
Donald’s mood is far worse than mere pique;
He’s so angry, he barely can speak.
“I rely on Fox guys
To support all my lies,
But they said something TRUTHFUL this week!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RUDENESS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
My life is much better, I find,
If I’m courteous, thoughtful and kind.
You, who label me rude:
Shove your dumb attitude
Up your BIG STUPID STINKY BEHIND.
Brian Allgar:
I’d invited a girl home to “play,”
And it should have been my lucky day.
She was nude, she was rude,
But she never got screwed,
Since I had to stay six feet away.
Tim James:
“Open up!” screams the mob, right on cue,
And they really don’t care whom they screw.
They’re aggressive and rude
’Cause they want sit-down food
Plus a haircut, massage, and tattoo.
Wayne Feder:
When Trump’s at the journalists’ throats,
Or getting the med experts’ goats,
Is his rudeness the work
Of a maniacal jerk?
Or is Donald just sowing his oats?
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Said the Judge, “You’re an impudent floozy —
A churlish, impertinent doozy!”
“Do go on,” said the wench
While she stood at the bench.
“As compliments go, I ain’t choosy.”
Tony Holmes:
“Quite apart from the fact that you’re crude,
That your speech is with expletives strewed,
What has irked me the most
Is contempt for our host,
And cavorting around in the nude!”
Dave Johnson:
Alexa’s new skill will include
An effort to lighten the mood:
Proclaiming her stress
With the buttons you press;
“Don’t touch me there – you are so rude!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Off with their heads!” screamed the Queen.
Cried Alice, “That’s mean and obscene!”
“No, it’s not — it’s just rude,
’Cause I’m in a bad mood.
You should see what gets lopped when I’m mean.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Wayne Feder, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (445)
Saturday, April 11th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Social distancing now is my thing.
I’ve a mask I secure with a string.
But until there’s a cure,
With my hands I’m unsure:
Should I sanitize, wash, or just wring?
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special FEAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Fearful rabbis declare we’ll be dead
If we celebrate Pesach with bread.
I say: “God has more sense
(Well, He must; He’s not Pence…);
Can He kill superstition instead?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Susan Settje, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Thomas Vincent, Tony Holmes, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Dale S. Biggs, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Steve Whitred, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RING/WRING” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FEAR LIMERICKS)
Susan Settje:
We know Stoker and Lovecraft and King.
We’ve seen Jackson and Poe do their thing.
Lock the door, dim the light,
And prepare for a fright,
For ev’ry last quiver they’ll wring.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Shouted Thal, “I’ve invented the ring!”
Said Neander, “Go hide that damn thing.
Chiseled rocks with round holes —
What if one of them rolls?
Thal, I fear what the future will bring!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RING/WRING” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
A boxer with insight to spare
Fought a bout, then was heard to declare:
“It’s a curious thing.
We all call this a ‘ring’ —
So why is it shaped like a square?”
David Reddekopp:
There once was a man from Quebec,
Who proposed to his girl on the deck.
What he brought, for the bling,
Was a cheap plastic ring,
So the girl started wringing his neck.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
The mini-bar’s stocked with libation;
The fluffed pillows suggest hibernation;
There’s a bell I can ring
Should I need anything.
Who will answer? Just me on staycation.
Thomas Vincent:
Said a wizened prize fighter named Bing,
“You can cover your body with bling.
But it won’t change a thing,
If you ain’t got no swing;
They’ll be carting you out of the ring.”
Tony Holmes:
My new girl is an old-fashioned thing
And as such, is averse to a fling.
She will kiss – and we pet,
But no nookie: “Not yet!
If you want me, just give me a ring.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A loud voice to the chorus he’ll bring,
But his notes have a flat, hollow ring:
“Dough dough dough!” – out they roll,
“Me me me!” — but where’s soul?
So I tune out when Trump starts to sing.
Tim James:
A soprano, a devious thing,
Was a part of a criminal ring.
She got busted, but knew
How to rat out her crew;
So when questioned, she started to sing.
Roger Haugen:
They conducted a passionate fling
That lasted through most of the Spring;
“I’m pregnant,” she cried,
He laughed and replied,
“I suppose you’re expecting a ring?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FEAR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“I’m pregnant! I’m frightened to tell
My old man – he’ll be angry as hell!”
“Just lie to the guy –
Say an angel stopped by,
And some Heavenly Spirit as well.”
Dale S. Biggs:
Said a priest to his flock, “Never fear…
For to God you are precious and dear.
Though a pain in the ass,
COVID-19 will pass–
With assistance from pizza and beer.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Now folks, let me say something brief
’Bout my honest and solid belief:
Let your fright disappear;
There is nothing to fear…
(Except the “Commander-In-Chief.”)
Brian Allgar:
Am I writing a foul villanelle? No!
A pantoum or a French kyrielle? No!
These forms simply suck;
Compared to such muck,
Do limericks frighten me? Hell, no!
Dave Johnson:
It has now become perfectly clear
That our nation has plenty to fear.
To fuel our demise,
Trump incessantly lies
While nitwit Repugnicans cheer.
David Reddekopp:
With a bellow that sounds insincere
Says the Prez: “Lo, the Donald is here!
With the brains that I bring
I will fix everything!”
Mr. Trump, that is what we all fear.
Steve Whitred:
In those horror films, girls are dispatched,
But I’ve never thought I would get snatched,
Cuz their endings get met
In a lingerie set,
Whereas none of my underwear’s matched.
Steve Benko:
Until now, I quite happily paid
When the need would arise to get laid.
With protection, the risk
Was just slipping a disc,
But mere breathing now makes me afraid.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dale S. Biggs, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Steve Whitred, Susan Settje, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, February 29th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
They are stripping the mountaintops bare
And polluting the streams and the air.
Mining makes a huge gash,
So small payments of cash
Are coaled comfort for residents there.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CLOTHING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A spy sent a note to her chief.
How’d she do it? It beggars belief:
She inscribed it with care
On her guy’s underwear.
That’s the way she conveyed it, in brief.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Tim James, Beri Caram, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Diane Groothuis, Daisy Hyrkas, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CASH/CACHE” RHYME DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Here’s a TSA warning to heed:
If your state’s not yet legalized weed,
Expect agents to trash
All the hash in your cache.
(You’d best smoke it beforehand. Agreed?)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When Ogden was asked why he sought to
Write more lim’ricks than any man ought to:
“Not unlike earning cash,
It’s like breathing,” said Nash–
“It’s better to do it than not to.”
Tim James:
She’s a beauty, with style and panache,
And I know that my ardor is rash.
Oh, to lie in her arms
And enjoy her sweet charms!
It turns out, though, I haven’t the cash.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOTHING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Beri Caram:
I gathered the leaves of a fig
To wear on my prominent rig.
My wife said, “That stuff
Is barely enough
To cover up something that big.”
Tony Holmes:
If it’s true that, ‘Clothes maketh the man,’
I must get some as soon as I can.
Oh, it’s all very well
Living au naturel,
But it sucks for my seven-year plan.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
All the guys used to give me a wink
When I’d sit at “The Lounge” for a drink.
But I’ve stopped going there
Cuz I’ve nothing to wear;
Seems that choc’late made all my clothes shrink.
Brian Allgar:
My new Y-fronts are horribly wrong,
Manufactured no doubt in Hong Kong.
They are useless and silly,
Unless you’ve a willy
That’s Z-shaped and twelve inches long.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Well, Lady Godiva was clutch,
Riding naked for causes and such,
Butt rubbed raw by her horse.
One conclusion, of course,
Is the Lady doth protest too much.
Steve Whitred:
There once was a man, quite a prude.
In his nightmares he went around nude,
But exposing his skin
Caused him so much chagrin,
That he had himself fully tattooed.
Tim James:
An ecdysiast, smart as a whip,
Trolled the crowd with the following quip:
“In exchange for your payment,
I’ll doff my scant raiment.”
A fellow yelled, “THEN will you strip?”
Diane Groothuis:
A Scot in a very short kilt
Said “You see I am very well built,
And in my tight trews
You’ll get plenty of views
Of the sword which I keep in my hilt.”
Daisy Hyrkas:
There once was a gal named Louise
Whose clothes were infested with fleas.
They caused such an itch,
She removed ev’ry stitch
And called it the vermin striptease.
Suzanne Heymann:
A brassiere is a curse-worthy thing,
An uncomfortable harness — tit sling.
I get home and then boom;
Free my boobs from their tomb.
Whip the thing ’cross the room with a fling!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Beri Caram, Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Diane Groothuis, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest Filed under Contests
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (339)
Saturday, February 1st, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Ray’s vineyard has gotten much praise,
Although wine’s not produced there these days;
A sweet treat’s all the craze,
Eaten so many ways,
As Ray’s raisins are raised by sun’s rays.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DANCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
As a girl she had studied ballet,
And she practiced her moves ev’ry day.
As she bent to that task,
Other children would ask:
“Can Anna come out and plié?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, William Preston, Sharon Neeman, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Daisy Hyrkas, Roger Haugen, Dave Johnson, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DANCE LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
When we’re dancing, her eyes tend to glaze,
And I bask in their soft, dreamy rays –
Till I tread on her toes!
Then the swearwords she knows
Would outclass all the oaths in Roget’s.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
On Twitter Real Don would repeat
Nasty words he picked up on the street;
He’d use them to raze
Reputations, most days,
Then most nights beat a hasty retweet.
William Preston:
Though the sun and the moon have their rays,
One works nights, and the other works days.
Said the sun to the moon,
“Now, don’t set in a swoon,
But your rays are just merely a phase.”
Brian Allgar:
Once again, I am utterly pissed
By the rhyme-words that “Rhyme Word” has missed.
Disbelieving, I gaze
At the entries for ‘raise,’
But ‘erase’ can’t be found in their list.
Sharon Neeman:
Though the poker joint’s no-smoke these days,
It once reeked of old cigarette haze —
Till the day that Big Mabel
Tipped over the table
And cried, “I can’t see; I won’t raise!”
Byron Miller:
It’s regrettable we’ve had to raze
All your cities to naught but a haze,
But Commander-in-Chief
Loves his burgers of beef
And the cattle need grassland to graze.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My surgeon I’m happy to praise;
He is brilliant in so many ways.
His name’s “Doc Lapoint.”
He replaced my sore joint
And deserves lots of Hip Hip Hoo Rays!
Tony Holmes:
When a winsome young ewe takes his eye,
Farmer Grout isn’t one to be shy.
By the Moon’s eerie rays,
In the old-fashioned ways,
He romances the ‘lass’ on the sly.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DANCE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
The bar on the corner was grand;
You could dance to a real decent band —
Till the barmaid, no sport,
Took the owner to court
For misuse of a too-frisky hand.
Lisi Nortman, for her Hokey Pokey:
First the right foot went in and then out.
At our parties, the kids had no doubt
That the left foot was next —
Never made us perplexed,
And that’s what it all was about.
Daisy Hyrkas:
I stood on the edge of the chair,
Gave a kick and I danced in mid-air.
As I struggled and fought,
An irrelevant thought:
There’s hair on my legs. I need Nair.
Roger Haugen:
Embraced in a slow sexy dance,
She slid her warm hand down his pants;
The cannon was loaded
And promptly exploded–
So much for a one-shot romance.
Lisi Nortman:
When you dance, you must stay with the beat.
It’s the rhythm that makes it so sweet:
It’s “a one an a two,”
Really easy to do,
And sort of like lim’riks for feet.
Dave Johnson:
Some people, convinced they can dance,
Are nothing but preening and prance.
Their singular flair:
Waving hands in the air;
As bad as Sean Spicer? No chance!
Fred Bortz:
He argues as if we are twits.
His dance tears all reason to bits.
His Twist and his Mash
Transform logic to hash,
So we call it the Dersho-half-witz.
Brian Allgar:
She can do an incredible tango,
And wait till you see her fandango!
All this, if you please,
While she grips with her knees
An enormously fat, juicy mango.
Tony Holmes:
“If we dance in the old-fashioned way,
I might mount an unwelcome display.
Should you happen to feel
What I fail to conceal,
And you find it distracting, please say.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, William Preston, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 3 Comments »
Sunday, January 19th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A prompt for a line is a cue,
And a queue is a line for the loo.
A stick to shoot pool,
A cotton-tipped tool,
An O with a tail –- now I’m through.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special SIN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A wild, wily widower, Will,
On a lark, once went cuckoo for Jill.
These birds of a feather
Played sex games together,
And the cardinal sin fit the bill.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Larz, Thomas Vincent, Daisy Hyrkas, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Suzanne Heymann, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Peter Boorman, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CUE/QUEUE” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
Her pool game – they started to mock it;
That shy little girl with a locket.
But, grabbing a cue,
She knew what to do;
Keep blasting their balls in the pocket.
Larz:
A naughty young nudist named Sue
Was checking out guys for a screw.
When she spotted his size,
She exclaimed with wide eyes:
“Oh, you’ll be the first in the queue!”
Thomas Vincent:
When approaching a modern day loo,
All ladies know just what to do;
Odd symbols of sex
Never trouble or vex;
They just head for the longest loo queue.
Daisy Hyrkas:
The actor’s awaiting his cue;
A loud and a stagy “Ah Choo!”
His partner can’t act,
Though to say so lacks tact.
(It’s a good thing that gal has the flu.)
Lisi Nortman:
My bananas were greenish in hue,
But I waited so long in the queue,
By the time I checked out
There was nary a doubt:
They were yellow and ready to chew.
Tim James:
A traditional Scotsman named Hugh
Started drinking at six, right on cue.
Around midnight he lay,
Kilt in full disarray,
With the ladies enjoying the view.
Suzanne Heymann:
If you want to avoid a long queue,
Just pretend you’ve come down with the flu.
Walk in crutches, then sneeze,
Cough a lot, cut the cheese
Till the others say, “Please, after you!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
From “cow speak,” we must take our cue
And translate “Don’t eat me!” from “Moo.”
And when old horses say
With a snort, “Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!”
We must picket all plants that make glue.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SIN LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
What’s “original sin”? I’ve been thrown
By the studies I’ve done on my own.
Because try as I might,
I just can’t get it right:
All my sins are already well-known.
Peter Boorman:
There was a young lass from Anstruther
Who had an affair with her brother.
The result of this link
Was a short spell in clink
And a daughter whose Aunt was her Mother.
Lisi Nortman:
Ev’ry Christmas we have a dispute:
Before company comes, I say, “SCOOT!
I have told you before
And I’ll tell you once more
Adam, please stay away from the fruit!”
Tony Holmes:
Oh, I tried to be virtuous – thrice.
Then I caved and surrendered to vice.
Goodness wasn’t for me.
I was bound, now I’m free;
If it’s naughty, no need to ask twice.
Daisy Hyrkas:
In dimly lit rooms, I undress
And I do things I’ll have to confess.
It’s for profit, not fun,
Cuz I charge ev’ryone,
Though it’s true that the cute ones pay less.
Suzanne Heymann:
“If you sin morning, night, or at noon,
In a fiery pit you’ll be strewn.
If you beat Satan’s drum,
Hell will burn all you scum.
But God loves you! Please come again soon!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Larz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Peter Boorman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, January 4th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said the poet, “My limericks veer
Towards the nasty and smutty, I fear.”
Upon saying this, he
Grinned lasciviously.
That’s the reason he’s called Edward Leer.
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Special SNOW-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
You can say what you like about snow,
Like, “Oh, Bugger!” and “Pack up and go!”
You can shout yourself hoarse.
It ignores you, of course.
Were I you, I’d just go with the floe.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Tanja Cilia Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, and Shaneka Antwanette Murphy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “VEER/SEVERE/REVERE/PERSEVERE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SNOW LIMERICKS)
Dave Johnson:
The weather outside – so severe;
With snow piling up far and near.
But lovers aglow
By the fireplace know
That a heat wave is imminent here.
Brian Allgar:
“Them scientists? Listen up, folks –
They’re eggheads who don’t have no yolks.
The cold is severe,
It’s snowing right here,
And that proves global warming’s a hoax.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I’ve written the “Song Of The Year.”
(Wasn’t easy; one must persevere.)
It’s a cute little ditty
And also quite witty:
“Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Just Not Here.”
Sue Dulley:
Dear Mad: Though I still persevere,
My muse has now left me, I fear.
Where I once was snowed under
With rhymes, now I wonder:
What caused that sweet snow storm to clear?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“VEER/SEVERE/REVERE/PERSEVERE” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder says:
Cried Sisyphus, “I’ll persevere!
I’ll inch this rock higher, don’t fear!
But then I must stop,
For if I reach the top,
What the hell will I do all next year?”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for this Acrostic Limerick:
A vehicle sometimes will veer
Left or right, when you don’t even steer!
It might well get you scared.
Go and have it repaired;
Now it’s safer. Get back into gear.
Tim James:
Here in Camelot, Queen Guinevere
Has discovered some boils on her rear.
In our kingdom, we’ve found,
Splendid doctors abound.
They’ve been using the lance a lot here.
Jean McEwen:
In my limericks, often, I’ll veer
From one line to the next, making sheer
Nonsense verse — which, though terse,
Gets more dopey and worse
By the line. (I am no Edward Lear.)
Suzanne Heymann:
It’s sometimes quite hard to revere
A priest who administers fear
And who’s almost controlled
All the sheep; the blind fold
Who believe he’s their shepherd, so dear.
Tim James:
Said the trollop to Mrs. Revere,
“Paul’s out shouting to all, far and near.
The resistance is humming:
‘The British are coming!’
That’s true; I’ve been bedding them, dear.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Alone in his garret all year,
Van Gogh from his canvas might veer
To his one lonely chair,
Where he’d say to the air:
“Is there no one who’ll lend me an ear?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SNOW LIMERICK DIVISION)
Daisy Hyrkas:
The village is dusted with snow.
It emits a quaint holiday glow.
Such sights can deceive;
It is now Christmas Eve,
And Santa is jacked up on blow.
Tanja Cilia:
When the heavens are sending us snow,
Which turns the earth white down below,
I retreat to my cave.
I’m not one to be brave;
When the sun comes back out, let me know.
Jean McEwen:
Don’t be snowed! Does it not seem suspicious
When Kellogg’s proclaims they’re “nutritious?”
Frosted Flakes just won’t fuel
You like mom’s oatmeal gruel.
(Though they taste, I’ll admit, more delicious.)
Lisi Nortman:
To snowboard is terribly tough;
As you slide, it is slipp’ry and rough.
’Twas invented by jerks
With very strange quirks
Who feel skiing’s not lethal enough.
Tony Holmes:
Politicians and weathermen sin!
They can lie through their teeth and still grin.
They will tell us: “Black’s white,”
“There’ll be no snow tonight.”
And whatever the outcome, they’ll spin.
Lisi Nortman, who tells us that her acrostic limerick was inspired by Robert Frost’s
“A Patch Of Old Snow.”
From a distance, I looked down below,
Reflecting on times long ago.
Over hills, near a brook,
Spots of grime overtook
The beauty of winter’s lush snow.
Shaneka Antwanette Murphy:
My kids want another snow day,
But this surely will NOT be okay;
On snow you may trip
And fracture your hip.
So I said to them, “There-is-snow-way!”
Tim James:
I heard Frosty the Snowman assert
He was tough and he couldn’t be hurt.
When I kicked him “down there”
His loud scream rent the air.
Who says snowballs are hard and inert?
Dave Johnson:
It’s snowing again – what a treat;
Then it melts in the afternoon heat.
And day after day,
It’s always this way.
(This dreamworld of mine can’t be beat!)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Shaneka Antwanette Murphy, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tanja Cilia, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, December 7th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a pool-rhymed and press-themed limerick:
Narcissus would hotly refuse
Every fact that disputed his views;
When his mirror-like pool
Showed a puffed-up old fool,
He bellowed in anger, “Fake news!”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Press-Themed Limerick Award for this funny verse, which is also a pool-rhymed limerick:
“Those reporters,” said Trump with a frown
“Are the worst bunch of traitors in town.
They call ’em a ‘pool?’
Well, let each lying fool
Take a dive in the deep end and drown.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Daisy Hyrkas, Tim James, Jesse Levy, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Michael D. Blum, Larz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Michael Moulton, and Sjaan VandenBroeder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“POOL” RHYME DIVISION)
Daisy Hyrkas:
I employ my épée as a tool
As we fence at the edge of the pool.
If I happen to sway,
We do water ballet,
As we jointly perform pas de duel.
Tim James:
A fellow, obsessed shooting pool,
Ended up doing something uncool.
He’s now known as the man
Who was late to the can.
Mind your pees and your cues ― that’s the rule!
Jesse Levy:
I once was proficient at pool,
And I thought I was pretty darn cool.
But I then played a “Felson,”
Who said to me “Well, son,
I think I just took you to school.”
Jean McEwen:
At my health club, they’ve posted a rule:
“Please don’t drool, spit, or pee in the pool.”
Yet, it seems there’s no stopping
Some members from plopping
Down huge putrid hunks of brown stool!
Dave Johnson:
Before they would head to the pool,
His wife had established a rule.
“I know you will spy
Every girl walking by;
No sighing and try not to drool.”
Tony Holmes:
It is best when at rest by the pool,
To lie prone, thereby trapping your tool.
With your manhood safe housed,
Should your ardour be roused,
There’ll be no telling tales out of school.
Michael D Blum:
He threw his genes into the pool
By using his wee little tool.
We know him as Trump,
That despicable grump;
Every offspring of his is a fool.
Larz, for his two-verse limerick:
The daring young babes at the pool
Love sporting their suits miniscule.
Naughty boys look alive
When those girls take a dive
Cuz their suits will fall off as a rule.
One denuded nymphet played the fool.
“Oh Mercy!” she cried, “Don’t be cruel.”
To no one’s surprise
She caused quite a rise
In the tools of the fools in the pool.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PRESS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her Acrostic Limerick:
Most people watch “press” on T.V.,
Expectantly waiting to see
Debates about news,
In depth theories and views…
And instead see the Prez on a spree.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My newspaper used to be sturdy
With features beyond more than wordy.
But now it’s on line,
Which works out just fine–
Till the floor of my birdcage gets dirty.
Jean McEwen:
Reporters today—so despised
By our POTUS—should not be surprised
If some MAGA fan, packing
A gun, starts attacking.
Alertness is strongly advised.
Tony Holmes:
I was hacking a slice off my boule –
I confess, I’m a sourdough fool –
When a news anchor clip
Caused my bread knife to slip –
Almost sliced off the family jewel.
Tim James:
It’s a fact that the press always skews
Their reporting on non-mainstream views.
They’re so lousy at that
They misquoted my cat.
’Twas a typical case of fake mews.
Dave Johnson:
They write for the Times and the Post;
In detail that’s stronger than most.
Here’s hoping one day
Their headlines will say:
“IT’S OVER -THIS P.O.T.U.S. IS TOAST!”
Suzanne Heymann:
Paparazzi, reporters, the press
Like to find famous folk who transgress.
Now isn’t it funny
That even hush money
Can’t sweeten (like honey) their mess!
Mike Moulton:
Said Trump to the press, looking smug,
With his usual leer and a shrug:
“The House won’t get far,
Because I’ve got Bill Barr,
Who will sweep my crimes under the rug.”
Tim James:
Mr. Gutenberg never could guess
What some people would print with his press:
Gossip, lies, and abuse.
For such stuff there’s one use:
In a birdcage, to clean up the mess.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Jesse Levy, Larz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Michael D. Blum, Mike Moulton, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (334)
Saturday, November 9th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One night, I undid my car’s lock,
Then I watched from afar like a hawk.
Along came a robber.
I smiled, dripping slobber.
With what did I clobber? A rock!
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special JAZZ-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
In a very conservative nation
Where musical improvisation
Is viewed with disdain,
Playing jazz leads to pain
From a sentence of defenestration.
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse:
Tony Holmes:
‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”
“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”
‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’
“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”
The rest of this saga is here.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Suzanne Heymann, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Roger Haugen, John Bergstrom, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOCK” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Delilah!” cried Samson in shock,
“This haircut will make people gawk.”
Then he tried to stand tall
For his manhood and all,
But went limp when she lopped the last lock.
Brian Allgar:
The voters, a gullible flock,
Had swallowed unthinkingly, lock,
Stock, and barrel, that guy’s
Endless boasting and lies –
Including the size of his cock.
Tim James:
An apparel firm pumped up their stock:
“It’ll double in price! It’s a lock!
Our source of success is
Our fine women’s dresses!”
The truth is, I don’t give a frock.
Daisy Hyrkas:
Miss Caroline stood on the dock
And dipped her toes into the loch.
Her foot probed the murk,
And she felt a sharp jerk.
Seems Nessie had pulled off her sock.
Suzanne Heymann:
My house is a place I don’t lock,
But burglars are in for a shock.
It’s booby-trapped well
And a nightmarish hell;
They’ll get crushed by a cell concrete block!
David Friedman
“Dear Guinevere,” Lance said in shock,
“This chastity belt thing’s a crock!
For why such attire
When each knight and squire
Has got his own key to the lock?!”
David Reddekopp:
The president boasts, “Man, I rock!
My victory next year’s a lock.
Of that fact I’ve no doubt –
I’ll win in a rout!
This I swear by my fifteen-inch cock.”
Roger Haugen:
Groaned Raul to the old Cuban doc,
“What’s causing my stomach to lock?”
As the man poked and prodded,
He solemnly nodded:
“It’s a Castro-intestinal block.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JAZZ-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Daisy Hyrkas:
She’s a big fan of jazz and the blues.
She lounges at bars sucking booze.
She channels Miss Ella
And sings a cappella…
While her boyfriend just sits home and stews.
John Bergstrom:
Messrs. Satchmo and Dizzy and Miles
All blew in their various styles.
Now up in the sky
In that sweet bye and bye,
They’re playing together at Ryles.
Jean McEwen:
While some jazz buffs get into a tizzy
Over bebop and swing, I think Dizzy
Gillespie is King
And Glenn Miller’s the Thing!
(Yes, it’s true: I still drive a Tin Lizzie.)
Roger Haugen:
What’s great about music called jazz
Is what the art hasn’t and has:
No thunderous din
For ears made of tin;
Just rhythmic/harmonic pizzazz.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Still groovin’ although he was blind,
He was certainly one of a kind.
Not a thing could compare
To his brilliant despair
When Georgia was still on his mind.
Dave Johnson:
The singer, a drummer, and bass
Recorded with smoldering grace.
It didn’t take long;
Peggy Lee’s biggest song
Took off at a Feverish pace.
Lisi Nortman:
We swayed and we spun and we twirled.
We hopped and we bopped and we swirled.
We danced with pizzazz
To something called jazz;
America’s gift to the world.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Bergstrom, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (333)
Saturday, September 28th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Simply nothing will ever surpass
The laughs when I took my whole class
To the zoo; found a note
From a very cute goat
Saying, “Hey guys, ya got any grass?”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special GRAMMAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Donald takes a rhetorical hammer
To bash any semblance of grammar.
We hope what he says
As a future ex-Prez
Draws laughs from his mates in the slammer.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Steve Benko, Bindy Bitterman, Tony Holmes, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
“Though they laugh at my spelling and grammuh,
At weather, believe me, I am a
Map-maker of note,
So it’s just like I wrote —
The hurricane hit Alabama!”
Lisi Nortman:
Way back in the munth ov July
I held up my banner reel hi
And karefully wrote:
“All u folks pleeze take note:
Bad Spellers!! We yall must UNTIE.”
Sharon Neeman:
Zoologists, please do take note:
There IS such a thing as a shoat.
It’s not sired by a ram,
And a goat’s not its dam,
And it certainly isn’t a stoat.
A shoat is a newly weaned pig;
Its hands — sorry, HOOVES — aren’t big;
It’s a juvenile hog
And it can’t dance or jog.
Am I writing too subtle a dig?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOTE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
The anthem that Francis Scott wrote
Screws the diaphragm, lungs, and the throat.
As I reached way up there
For “the rockets’ red glare”
I sprained everything hitting that note.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Old Noah the perv, you should note,
Would get off in the rain—let me quote:
“Sure, a sprinkle is sweet,
But when beating my meat,
It’s a deluge that’s floating my boat.”
Steve Benko:
“On Ivanka,” says Donald, “I dote,
But of Tiffany barely take note.
Though the Jewish one’s hot
(Why with THEM tie the knot?),
Her poor sister tends sadly to bloat.”
Bindy Bitterman:
When he slipped something into her tote,
She hoped for a sweet, loving note.
But it sadly turned out
What the note was about:
’Twas only Mad Kane’s weekly quote!
Tim James:
With his short stubby Sharpie, Trump wrote
An alternative storm track. “Take note:
’Bama’s gonna get hit.
They’re in really deep shit!”
(With the rest of us in the same boat.)
Tony Holmes:
An Italian tenor of note
Would, at times, lose his voice and I quote:
“If I sing … they no clap?”
He gets nervous, poor chap,
And the fear puts a frog in his throat.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
“Second person familiar,” said I
To my student. “Now give it a try.”
She used thou, thee and thine
And her grammar was fine ―
As I rested my hand on her thy.
Brian Allgar:
The Oxford professor was pissed;
He was shouting and waving his fist.
“I have told you before –
When there’s three terms or more,
A comma’s REQUIRED in a list!”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Grasping homophones makes me so proud
And proves that I’m quite well-endowed,
With a brain so acute
That there’s just no dispute.
(And now I’ll recite one allowed.)
Jean McEwen:
Those old scolds who incessantly yammer
About other folks’ syntax and grammar
Should just give it a rest
(Leave their views unexpressed)–
Or expect to get hit with a hammer.
Steve Benko:
I’ve been dating an English professor;
It’s delightful until I undress her.
During passionate sex,
Pillow talk she corrects,
And it makes my arousal much lesser.
Bindy Bitterman:
Aw, shucks, here I am in the slammer!
You’d a thunk I’d a taken a hammer
And I’d killed someone dead.
But what I done instead —
Was just murder that dumb English grammar!
Konrad Schwoerke:
A rigid grammarian, Guy,
Claims that HE knows what’s right, also why.
“It’s subjective, you see,
Not objective like ‘me’.”
So me poked this guy right in his ‘I’.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bindy Bitterman, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Steve Benko, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, February 9th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I’m a pessimist. Let me explain,
So I don’t have to say it again:
In the tunnel, my friend
Is a light at the end –
Which belongs to an oncoming train.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special LIGHTING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
All was darkness. Then “Let there be light!”
Earth was formed, and the darkness took flight.
If in light we’re created
As Scripture has stated,
Then why isn’t Man very bright?
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special ACROSTIC Limerick Award, given occasionally to a clever acrostic limerick:
Please don’t be afraid on my plane.
It is safe. You’ll be fine. Just remain.
Leave the flying to me.
OFF WE GO! And you’ll see
That tomorrow, we’ll all be in Spain.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
What a marvelous thing is a dimmer!
On the days I feel older and grimmer,
I just turn it down low,
Make my wrinkles all go,
And look younger and slimmer and trimmer.
If there’s something to mend, fix or tie,
I can just turn the dimmer up high
And produce enough light
To set anything right
And ensure I’ll get by if I try.
Yes, the dimmer is grand altogether,
For both higher light levels and nether –
But I’d be more content
If kind souls would invent
Me a dimmer to tether the weather.
Congratulations to MARK KANE and DIANE GROOTHUIS, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Mark Kane:
Crammed in close, thigh to thigh on the plane,
With their will to abstain on the wain,
They soon met in the loo
For a slow urgent screw,
Then toasted their lust with champagne.
Diane Groothuis:
The passengers thought it was plain
That sobriety was on the wane
When they stood in the queue
To go to the loo,
Hearing corks popping, fizzing champagne.
Mark Kane:
They heard banging again and again,
As they waited inside to deplane.
And once out of wine,
With their lust in decline,
They were scared, so they chose to remain.
(Mark and Diane’s limerick exchange continued into several more verses. You can read the entire limerick repartee exchange here.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Judith H. Block, Fred Bortz and Val Fish. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LIGHTING LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
Says Trump, “What’s that light in the sky?
It’s too bright, and I’m starting to fry.”
“It’s the sun,” they explain.
“That’s a lie! I maintain
That my son is no brighter than I.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
A fellow who lived in Champaign
(That’s a town on an Illinois plain)
Said, “This place ain’t all that.
It’s cold and it’s flat
Like my ex ― but costs less to maintain.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
La Guardia! Where is our plane?
We thought we were going to Spain!
We slept on the floor,
Heard obnoxious jerks snore.
Next vacation. To Disney. By train!
Tony Holmes:
All these people are boarding this train
For two weeks in the sunshine of Spain.
What they haven’t been told
Is it’s wet and it’s cold;
But that’s fine, cuz they like to complain.
Jane Hoffman says:
The cows have lined up to complain
That the bulls are too hard to restrain.
The cows want a pen
Without any men…
To give them a chance to abstain.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
We looked up at the sky. (Was it rain?)
It went fast, and our eyes felt a strain.
Was it Superman? NO!
Was it birds? (Not in snow.)
There it IS! Oh my GOD! It’s a PLANE!
Tim James:
A couple got onto a plane;
Airborne nookie they yearned to attain.
Neither one had a clue
How to screw in a loo.
So they winged it, to mutual gain.
Tony Holmes:
“Drunk again?” is her constant refrain.
She derides all attempts to explain.
It were better, I think,
To forswear further drink,
Than to suffer that woman’s disdain.
Tim James for his Acrostic:
It’s becoming increasingly plain:
Donald Trump’s so-called “very good brain”
Isn’t all it should be.
On the contrary, he
Tweets and rants like a man gone insane.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHTING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“Soft music, dim lighting, and you…
You’re the love of my life. It is true,
When I see you, I’m dazed,”
Murmured Trump as he gazed
In the mirror, his favorite view.
Jean McEwen:
Thank goodness this room’s dimly lit
So my boyfriend can’t quite see the zit
On the tip of my nose
That through makeup still shows.
(If he saw it, then surely he’d split.)
Dave Johnson:
With agents and flashlights galore,
Now Roger is part of the score.
Since Mueller’s so near,
Trump just might need to fear
That 6 A.M. bang on the door.
Judith H. Block:
It seems that some guys need enlightening;
Their view is dismaying – needs brightening.
Beauty comes in all sizes.
They’re in for surprises;
Small gals can give pleasure quite heightening.
Fred Bortz:
The spotlights illumine the stage
Where the despot will soon stand and rage.
But the nation takes note,
And soon we will vote
That the time’s come to turn a new page.
Val Fish:
He’d attempted to set the right mood;
Soft music, the lighting subdued.
But it all went to pot
With chili, too hot;
Several trips to the toilet ensued.
Dave Johnson:
Trump’s shutdown is all about him
Kowtowing to fright-wingers’ whim.
Fed workers are stuck
All because of this schmuck,
Whose bulb runs no brighter than dim.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Diane Groothuis, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Kane, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Val Fish, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, January 19th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The pirates, a larcenous horde,
Took over while storming aboard.
A boat crew of nine
Bound together with twine
Held fast; they were all in a cord.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TREE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Said Trump to the hooker, “You’ll see
That my wood is the size of a tree!”
But when he was nude,
She said “Don’t think me rude –
It looks more like a bonsai to me.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and FRED BORTZ. Each of them wins a special Limerick Saga Award, sometimes given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Sharon Neeman:
Now we’re old, with bad joints and sore feet,
We find bus rides more bitter than sweet,
For we struggle to board
Or reach up for the cord,
And few youngsters will give us a seat.
Should we drive? No, that’s hardly a lark:
Trees take scary new shapes in the dark.
They cavort in the rain,
And it’s hard to explain
Why we hit one whenever we park.
Taking cabs is a strain on the purse,
Makes our budget and blood pressure worse –
No, I think we’ll stay in
Where it’s warm, play some gin,
Drink some scotch, and write crotchety verse.
Fred Bortz:
As hist’ry will sadly record,
A basket of those she deplored
Did Hillary in,
Giving Donald the win
With votes that could not be ignored.
His electoral victory scored;
He baited his bigoted horde
With alternate facts
That justified acts
Of hatred and evil, untoward.
There still may be time to reward
This land that we all have adored.
In the year twenty-twenty,
Let’s cast votes aplenty.
The outcome must not be encored.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Judith H. Block, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, John Shardlow, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TREE LIMERICKS)
Fred Bortz, for his “The Old Oak”
The couple, in ardent accord,
Their initials in tree bark had scored,
Leaving evidence, oaken,
Of love never broken.
They’ve aged, yet they know they’re adored.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME DIVISION)
Judith H. Block:
He thought that his faux pas was minor.
Then he saw all her clothes were designer.
All the hints he ignored;
He sure struck the wrong chord
When he took her to eat at a diner.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
“Dear Teacher, I tripped on a cord,
Then got cut on my brother’s sharp sword.
So no homework today,
And oh, by the way,
I chased after a bull and was gored.”
Tony Holmes:
I would never admit that I snored,
So my wife made recordings – I’m floored!
Beyond doubt, she was right,
But the future is bright –
We’ve discovered a new major chord.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
In the 50’s Dad got an award!
(His intelligence never ignored)
Cuz all on his own
He upgraded our phone,
By getting a much longer cord.
Dave Johnson:
The cost of their service has soared;
So now I am cutting the cord.
We can still watch TV,
Once I do it for free
By the shed where the woodpile is stored.
Tony Holmes:
I’ve discovered I’m now in accord
With a viewpoint I’ve always deplored.
I am shocked! What has changed?
Am I sick or deranged?
No, it’s worse – I got lazy and bored.
Tim James:
I knew a composer who scored
An op’ra most people ignored
’Bout an Army man struck
By a half-track and truck.
A-flat major’s its dominant chord.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TREE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
Those trees that were blocking his view
Are suddenly lying askew.
Officials resist
His attempts to insist
That the wind just selectively blew.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Even though you might feel a nice breeze,
Never park your car under the trees!
Cuz when you return
You’ll undoubtedly learn
That the birds have done more than just sneeze.
Brian Allgar:
His offspring, I’m sure you’ll agree,
Are as crooked as President T,
Grabbing ill-gotten loot –
Which just shows that the fruit
Never falls very far from the tree.
Diane Groothuis:
I checked on my own fam’ly tree
To find who’s related to me.
Well I come from good stock,
But it came as a shock
That Dad’s branch didn’t want me to be.
Fred Bortz:
There’s a tree that I love in the park.
I can find it at night when it’s dark.
Dogwood’s blossoms and fruit
Bring delight to my snoot,
But what’s best is the sound of its bark.
John Shardlow:
You gardeners, please make this pledge:
Whenever you’re planting a hedge,
Using laurel is dandy,
But shun the leylandii;
Between neighbors it’s driving a wedge.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone: (With Apologies To Joyce Kilmer)
I’ve seen metal that’s also a knee,
And a card that is also a key.
But I really must say
That there’s no goddamn way
That a poem is also a tree.
Jean McEwen:
Please don’t slander my poor hemlock tree.
It’s not poisonous — trust me! You see,
It is not like the plant
That’s called hemlock; it can’t
Ever hurt you — so no need to flee!
Dave Johnson:
In Florida, palm trees will sway,
With sunbathers basking all day;
Some willing and proud
To be showing the crowd
What others should never display.
Diane Groothuis:
I think that I never shall see
A poem so nice as a tree.
Providing good shade,
In Heaven they’re made
And useful to dogs when they pee.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 3 Comments »
Saturday, January 5th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
Men are taken with all types of tits –
And with buttocks. They’re perfect for mitts.
Why would anyone peer
At a face? It’s unclear,
But bosoms and buns? They’re huge hits.
Why are bosoms so cute to us chaps?
It’s the thrill of releasing the straps.
And the hooks, eyes, or lace,
Till we come breast to face
With the sight that turns men into saps.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Jewelry-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The love of my life was called Pearl,
A delightful, intelligent girl.
But she left me – I’d “dissed” her
By giving her sister,
The sexy young Ruby, a whirl.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Diane Groothuis, P Diane Schneider, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Peer or Pier or Appear” RHYME DIVISION)
Bob Dvorak:
Well, what to my eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and some deer.
I truly must stop
Downing tasty brown slop,
Ere I end up flat down on my rear.
Brian Allgar:
Said the hooker, “Your Lordship, I fear
There is nothing that I can do here.
Your ducal regalia
Is frankly a failiah –
I’m sorry, I must diss a peer.”
Tim James:
A yachtsman had drunk too much beer,
And it rendered his vision unclear.
He rammed into the dock,
Which collapsed from the shock.
As a seaman he’s quite without pier.
Sharon Neeman, for her limerick she calls “How Melania Trump Returned Safely from Africa:”
Said the cannibal chef with a sneer,
“Things are not always what they appear.
That one’s flesh has no taste;
Cooking her’s just a waste —
So don’t bring that Melania here!”
Diane Groothuis:
A woman consulted a seer
To see if her hubby was queer.
And the seer said “He’s gay.
Get yourself a new lay.
Don’t wait for his peer to appear.”
P Diane Schneider:
The jury box stifled a jeer,
And kitty cat shuddered in fear.
There’s word in the air
This trial is not fair;
No canine here looks like a peer.
Byron Miller:
My kitchen sink’s leaking. Oh dear!
And an overweight tradesman is here.
The one thing with a plumber
That’s always a bummer
Is having his butt crack appear.
Tony Holmes:
It is time I revealed what took place
On the day I was whisked into space.
They don’t probe, poke, or peer,
Or indeed, interfere;
But they push pretty hard for first base.
Lisi Nortman:
In the afterlife, I shall appear
As a ghost to some “pains in the rear.”
I know who I’ll haunt
And certainly taunt.
My list’s getting longer each year.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A big fellow who drank lots of beer
Took pride in his skill as a pee-er.
His incredible aim
Gained the man bar room fame,
Till he once hit a cop in the rear.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JEWELRY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Jake gave Cindy a ring set with jade,
Not with diamonds–so Cindy, dismayed
Gave to Jake, in return,
An asparagus fern.
(Seemed a pretty fair balance of trade.)
Dave Johnson:
“I know what to say when they call me.”
Says a popular gal from Snoqualmie.
She told her friend Mike:
“We can smooch, if you like;
Bring bling if you’re looking to ball me.”
Brian Allgar:
The Professor would constantly whine:
“How I loathe all those students of mine!
It is hell everlasting
To spend my life casting
Fake pearls before genuine swine.”
Sharon Neeman:
Clooney offered fair Bridget a necklace
If she’d come to his bed and be reckless.
“Why, begorrah, it’s glass!”
Cried the sweet Irish lass;
“Get ye gone, now — ye’ll always be feckless!”
Tony Holmes:
Her best friends are all diamonds, it’s said;
She has one for each time she’s been wed.
By a very old trick,
Without shovel or pick,
She has mined all her carbon in bed.
Tim James:
She has rings on her fingers and toes;
There are studs in her ears, tongue and nose.
But her guy doesn’t mind.
And there’s more bling to find
If down’s the direction he goes.
Lisi Nortman:
To find the right man, I’ve been told,
He should not be too young or too old.
But regardless of age,
My dear mother the “sage,”
Said “Honey, just go for the gold.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, P Diane Schneider, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (313)
Sunday, December 16th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said Poe, “I am sick to the core
Of this raven that knocked on my door,
Squawking one stupid word –
I shall strangle the bird,
And I’ll hear “nevermore” nevermore.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SPICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“Our love life is lacking in spice,”
Said the husband. “It sure would be nice
To have three in this bed.”
“Get the cat!” his wife said ―
Not the pussy he’d hoped to entice.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Michael Moulton, Carolyn Henly, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman, Alan W. Webb, Byron Miller, David Friedman, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, and John Shardlow. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CORE or CORPS or DÉCOR” RHYME DIVISION)
Mike Moulton:
Said Trump, to the national corps,
“The Paris Accord’s out the door.
Some say that’s unwise,
Due to sea-level rise,
But I live on the fifty-eighth floor.”
Carolyn P Henly:
There’s a nurse whose named Kissy DuMor,
And the medics all think she’s a whore.
Says she, “I’m no tart;
If you look in my heart
You will see that I’m good to the corps!”
Tim James:
My date didn’t like the decor
Of my place. From the ceiling to floor ―
Carpets, furnishings, art ―
She just picked it apart.
So the last thing I showed her? The door.
Jean McEwen:
My shrink said, “Let’s get to the core
Of what ails you. Methinks there’s much more
To your handwash compulsion
Than merely revulsion
To dirt; it’s your MOM you deplore.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Have you ever seen Aunt Em’s decor?
It’s like something from “Ole Days Of Yore.”
There’s a couch there for “fainting,”
The place need repainting,
And Uncle Lou’s stuffed on the floor.
Alan Webb:
Her nasty words cut to the core.
I fell to my knees on the floor,
Cause when I get cussed out
It drives all the lust out…
And I ain’t coming here anymore.
Byron Miller:
Our team mascot is hard to ignore,
For his shite coats our changing room floor.
But we don’t plan on stopping
His guano from dropping:
It adds to the “osprey decor.”
David Friedman:
A johnless gay hooker, Gerard,
Complained that his work was too hard:
“I entered the corps
Thinking I would get more,
But shouldn’t have joined the rear guard.”
Dave Johnson’s “James Bond reminiscing at the old spy’s home:”
“She thrilled me right down to my core,
With visions of what was in store.
Her name said it all,
Always there to enthrall;
I can’t forget… Lucy Galore.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPICE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
When the owner of spice shops expands
Way too fast, he then soon understands
That he must have a sale
Or his business will fail,
’Cause he’s got too much thyme on his hands.
Tony Holmes:
Someone said, ‘Girls are sugar and spice.’
And back then, that was all very nice.
Not today; sugar’s bad.
And it may make you sad,
But you’re best off avoiding that vice.
Sharon Neeman:
Wednesday Addams thought “Who can scream louder?”
She put pepper in Grandmama’s chowder;
In Uncle’s fish stew;
Dad’s shaving cream, too;
Pugsley’s mouthwash; and Mom’s talcum powder.
Lisi Nortman:
Don’t get married, my friend, cuz of strife.
You really do not need a wife;
She will nag you to death
Till your very last breath.
They are known for unspicing your life.
John Shardlow:
I am just off the ward feeling fine,
But that matron’s a bit of a swine;
The green herb colonic
She gives as a tonic
Means I’m busy just passing the thyme.
Dave Johnson:
A weird little fellow named Walt
Has a penchant for pepper and salt.
They chuckle and point
In the hamburger joint
When they notice he seasons his malt.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Alan Webb, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Carolyn Henly, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mike Moulton, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (312)
Saturday, December 1st, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The game has the Vikings and Bears.
Who’s winning? Seems nobody cares.
The guys are in bunches;
I’d say that my hunch is:
At Hooters they’re watching the pairs.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special THEFT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
This section of town’s gettin’ tough,
And frankly, I’ve just had enough!
So I put out a rug
That says, “Listen here thug:
Rob the neighbors. They’ve much better stuff.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, David Reddekopp, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PAIRS” RHYME DIVISION)
Fred Bortz, who notes that this is fiction:
I fell from the top of the stairs,
And my body’s in need of repairs.
But I still found the time
To come up with this rhyme.
Now let’s see if Mad Kane really cares.
Tim James:
Twin sisters, so hot they drew stares,
Swung on by to relieve all his cares.
All misfortunes, you see,
Come in batches of three,
While the best things in life come in pairs.
Dave Johnson:
They used to grow apples and pears,
Filling grocery bins with their wares.
Now they’re serving us well
In this Trumpian spell;
With vineyards that drown all our cares.
Tony Holmes
It seems life likes to do things in twos,
Though exceptions abound to confuse.
Buns and boobs come in pairs,
As do hands: It all squares.
Evolution? Or planning – but whose?
Kirk Miller:
At the nudist camp, manager Fred
Said, “When walking, please carefully tread.
They are making repairs
On the sidewalk and stairs.”
“Please bare with us,” warning signs read.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (THEFT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
What’s important to Trump is the deal,
And it’s fine if you lie, cheat or steal.
It would really be nice
If his theft had a price –
Let’s say “20 to life,” no appeal.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
It seems that Viagra was stolen
By crooks who are mainly Angolan.
The newspaper said:
“Cops are full steam ahead
And looking for thieves who are swollen.”
Sharon Neeman:
A stripper with pasties and patch
Hid her diamonds high up in her snatch,
But a tale-bearing snitch
Went and told on the bitch,
And the stash was soon snatched — a good catch!
David Reddekopp:
She had beauty right down to an art
And she caused all my breath to depart.
“She is gorgeous,” I said,
And at that, I dropped dead,
For the woman had stolen my heart!
Dave Johnson:
A pickpocket fled from the bar;
He tried running, but failed to get far.
They ended the chase
In a parking lot space;
Seems someone had stolen his car.
David Friedman:
There once was a cold-hearted thief
Who only caused heartache and grief.
The worst thing he stole
Was our great nation’s soul,
And that’s our Commander in Chief.
Dave Johnson:
A burglar was just apprehended
In a manner that’s not recommended.
The loot had been stashed
In a trunk that was mashed;
His car was first chased then rear-ended.
Fred Bortz:
He copied and pasted the text
To submit to the Prof as his next
Class writing assignment.
But each stolen line meant
His teacher was thoroughly vexed.
Tim James:
A boy, an unlikable geek,
Stole some candy, an act of pure pique.
He got busted. His dad
Whupped his ass pretty bad.
(I could hardly sit down for a week.)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dave Johnson, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (311)
Saturday, November 17th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said a personal ad that was placed
By a woman some claimed was unchaste:
“They think I’m immoral
But I’m only oral
With men of impeccable taste.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special FOOTWEAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I have heard of a cat (Russian Blue)
Who would frequently pee in a shoe.
If I got one for Trump,
Could I teach it to dump?
He deserves solid Russian gifts, too.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman, Margie Nairn, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLACED” RHYME DIVISION)
Tony Holmes:
When in public she’s very strait-laced,
And her scoldings leave many red-faced.
But in secret, she gloats
Over sowing wild oats.
Is her guilt for those urges displaced?
Sharon Neeman:
Roasting turkey? Use whiskey to baste
(Not the bird, but the guests) till well laced.
Please believe me: when high,
They won’t know the bird’s dry,
And your trust in me won’t be misplaced.
Tim James:
A woman preferred to stay chaste
Before marriage. She therefore replaced
Standard nookie with head.
What’s the news from her bed?
Word of mouth: she’s a gal of good taste.
Brian Allgar:
“The Balkans or Baltics, who cares?
That war happened,” the Donald declares.
“So I got them misplaced?
Well, it’s gotta be faced,
They’re all BALs, so the fault must be theirs.”
Tony Holmes:
As the deadline approaches, we’re braced,
Never thinking it might be replaced.
Forced to wait, hopes on hold;
Seven days – who got gold?
Were we mentioned or were we disgraced?
David Friedman:
I fear we are currently faced
With an earth that will soon be replaced
With poisonous waves
That waft past our graves
Of toxic industrial waste.
Sharon Neeman:
“I’m ruined,” she whispered, white-faced;
“The horse that I backed was outpaced!
My Little Miss Muffet
Came second — oh, stuff it!
Two million to win, and Miss placed.”
Tim Gray:
I tripped and by accident placed
My hand on an Arab girl’s waist.
And you should have heard ’er;
She screamed bloody murder.
By her father and brother I’m chased.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My life is a damn total waste;
All the money I stole has been traced.
So I’m running amok,
And the “L” in my luck
With an “F” has been surely replaced.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FOOTWEAR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Her stilettos were stunning. What’s more,
She had fine thigh-high boots by the score.
I was truly obsessed
By the way that she dressed ―
Because footwear was all that she wore.
Lisi Nortman:
New shoes always play a great role
In something called Sadness Control.
Though they won’t change your life,
When you’re feeling some strife
They do wonders for lifting your sole.
Margie Nairn:
In order to dance like Astaire,
Your feet must feel lighter than air.
It’s all in the shoes,
So be sure that you choose
A stylish but comfortable pair.
David Friedman:
There once was a wealthy young gopher
Who lived in Shaquille O’Neal’s loafer.
He said, “I can go
From the heel to the toe,
But only if I call the chauffeur.”
Fred Bortz:
He punted from where it was slick,
Caught his cleats, broke his leg like a stick.
While his fracture was healing,
They asked, “How ya feeling?”
“Pretty good,” he replied. “I can’t kick.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Margie Nairn, Sharon Neeman, Tim Gray, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Reviews, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (310)
Saturday, October 27th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A hacker of criminal bent
Pilfered money wherever he went.
Cyber bloodhounds gave chase,
But this guy was an ace ―
And he left them with nary a (s)cent.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special GAMBLING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Online poker was making me bold,
And I thought I knew just when to fold
Up until my sweet spouse
Cried “There’s SNOW in the house!”
Then I realized my luck had gone cold.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Michael Moulton, Tim James, David Friedman, Sharon Neeman, Dave Johnson, Dale S. Biggs, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Tony Holmes, Ken Gosse, Margie Nairn, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SCENT, SENT, or CENT” RHYME DIVISION)
Michael Moulton:
A man on a peak in a tent
Was a happily bean-eating gent.
But he fouled all the air,
Which was thin way up there;
Left him craving a rapid de-scent.
Tim James:
A communist wanted to rent
A young whore till his urges were spent.
But this hard-working doxy
Showed free-market moxie
And took him for ev’ry Red cent.
David Friedman:
Sherlock Holmes, peering down with back bent
Said, “Watson, I’m hot on the scent!”
But Watson said, “Rot!
I rather think not.
You just walked into soggy cement!”
Sharon Neeman:
I never will give my consent
To “infer” when “imply” is what’s meant,
“There” for “their,” “then” for “than,”
“Cant” for “can’t,” “may” for “can,”
Or a tab for a first line indent.
Dave Johnson:
The preacher yells “You must repent!
Damnation shall mark your descent!”
But salvation is not
His intention or thought;
These “sinners” keep paying the rent.
Dale S. Biggs:
A skunk doesn’t stink, but its spray
Keeps the skunk from becoming fair prey.
With a nasty, rank scent
From a gland they can vent
They’re the masters of all they survey!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GAMBLING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Joe’s luck at casinos in Reno
Has run dry, and that new palomino
That he liked at the track
Has now started to slack.
All he’s left with to play’s online Keno.
Brian Allgar:
“If he wins, I shall eat it!” I spat.
“Trump’s a moron, a spoiled, ageing brat!”
Today, I am rueing
My wager, still chewing
That huge, indigestible hat.
Tony Holmes:
“It’s a dead cert’!” he said of the horse.
I believed him and backed it, of course.
Dead was right! Lost my shirt,
Which, I promise you, hurt,
But not nearly as much as divorce.
Sharon Neeman:
MBS’s accounts all ring hollow,
And each version is harder to swallow.
Though I don’t often wager
On anything major,
I’ll bet there’s more bullshit to follow.
Ken Gosse:
He gambled that he could make sense
Of a string of unlucky events,
But the dots on his dice
Like the best men and mice
Went awry. (Not the kind that ferments.)
Tim James:
His casinos went bankrupt. This lout
Is a screw-up, without any doubt.
He’s incompetent, vain.
It’s increasingly plain
That we, as a nation, crapped out.
Margie Nairn:
My father would stop off for gambling;
On his way home from work he was rambling.
His money was spent
Down to every last cent,
So for rent we would always be scrambling.
Kirk Miller:
For people like me, there’s no doubt
That the gambling wheel carries much clout.
When I play, if I lose
Lots of cash, I may choose
To gamble more. Don’t roulette out.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Filed under Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dale S. Biggs, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Margie Nairn, Mike Moulton, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (309)
