Posts Tagged ‘Suzanne Heymann’
Saturday, July 9th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BARBARA MILLIKAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick. (It was inspired by her daughter’s very successful rugby team in Lane County, Eugene, Oregon, known as the “Reign.”)
Rough and rowdy “Reign” ruggers, the bane
Of all other gal ruggers from Lane;
When it poured like a flood
All were buried in mud,
But no rain ever reined in the “Reign.”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BIRD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The bird-watcher peered through his glasses,
Believing he’d seen in the grasses
The movement of plovers.
In fact, they were lovers;
He stared at two fine, naked asses.
The girl quickly covered her bits
With a towel, and yelled out “Hey, Fritz!
What d’you think you are doing?”
“Dear lady, I’m viewing
A magnificent pair of Great Tits.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, Kathleen Bartoletti, Will T. Laughlin, Barry Solomons, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RAIN/REIGN/REIN RHYME DIVISION)
Randolph Wagner:
The Habsburgs who ruled over Spain
Were an inbreeding unsightly strain.
Since their gene pool was rotten,
Good looks weren’t begotten:
In Spain on the plain fell the reign.
Dave Johnson:
The Donald is making it plain;
He thinks that he’s ready to reign.
So what if he fails?
From all the hat sales
His wallet is posting a gain.
Brian Allgar:
At tea-time, the Queen would complain:
“The tea-pot is empty again;
I know that I filled it,
But somehow I spilled it —
I can’t pour, but I know how to reign.
Marty Gerendasy:
Tell me, what good is trav’ling by plane,
When it won’t leave the ground in the rain?
Yet another delay!
Happens day after day!
From now on, I’ll be going by train.
Judith H. Block:
You have just washed the car? It will rain.
On a picnic? It’s pouring again.
But plants need the showers.
It’s true, we love flowers.
I guess it’s not smart to complain.
Tim James, for his limerick homage to “MacArthur Park.”
The cake got left out in the rain.
And the recipe? Never again
Will I have it, that’s true.
(What’s that mean? Not a clue.
Maybe drugs make the meaning more plain.)
Kathleen Bartoletti:
A limerick writer named Kane
Loved bathing outside in the rain;
When it started to fall
She ran out, baring all,
With her washcloth, imported from Spain.
I hope this rhyme doesn’t offend.
That’s not something I’d ever intend.
I just saw it so plain;
Kane’s a fine rhyme for “rain”
And too good to resist, in the end.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BIRDS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
My bird-watching uncle admits
His blog would get millions of hits,
Overwhelming his host
Any time he would post
New pictures of boobies and tits.
Barry Solomons:
An ostrich let out a big sigh
And pleaded with God asking why,
You would want me to stand
With my head in the sand
When I’d love to be able to fly.
Ken Gosse, who entitles his limerick “Copy Writer,” and who was inspired by a children’s poem.
A woman who swallowed a spider,
Ended up with a bird deep inside her.
She wrote, “How absurd,
To swallow a bird,”
But not first, so the rights were denied her.
Brian Allgar:
His Lordship had picked up a girl
And he paid her to give him a whirl.
But next day, the poor chap
Had contracted the clap —
The wormy bird catches the Earl.
Tim James:
A parrot, apparently spurred
By an urge to repeat all he heard,
Spent a night by the bed
Of a gal. She turned red
When “Oh God! Oh my God!” screamed the bird.
Will T. Laughlin:
We saw a strange bird in the street.
“That’s a Fake-Crested Trump,” muttered Pete.
“How on earth can you tell?”
I inquired. Pete said, “Well,
It just let out a horrible Tweet.”
Suzanne Heymann:
When a bird and a dog had a fight,
I could not tell who had the first bite.
But an eagle so regal
Made off with a beagle
Who’d eaten a seagull last night.
Kirk Miller, whose 3-verser is (he swears) based on personal experience:
The gardener wore a big scowl,
And emitted an ear-piercing howl.
He had reason to gripe:
Birds ate fruit that was ripe.
’Twas a crime he considered most fowl.
To tomatoes the birds had been treatin’
Themselves. He refused to be beaten.
Since the gardener’s wise,
A nice plan he’ll devise
To keep birds from his garden of eatin’.
There is little expense he incurred.
Get some net; make a tent; he’s insured
That tomatoes are safe.
While the mockingbirds chafe,
He just smiles and then flips them the bird.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Barbara Millikan, Barry Solomons:, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Judith H. Block, Kathleen Bartoletti, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (256)
Saturday, June 25th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
A detective entreated Bernice
’Tween the sheets of the Chief of Police,
“Keep this tryst undercover.
My boss, who’s your lover,
Can’t know that you’ve fingered my piece.”
She laughed, “We’re discreet. Hold your peace.
Since that cuckolded Chief of Police
Lacks the vim and the vigor
I feel when your trigger
Is pulled, let the firing increase.”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Money-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Mad’s ”Limerick-Off” is iconic,
But MONEY’s a theme that’s ironic.
Cash prize? In your dreams!
You’ll win nothing, it seems,
Not even a small gin and tonic.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Brian Allgar, Tiel Aisha Ansari, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Dave Johnson, Randolph Wagner, Kirk Miller, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEASE” RHYME DIVISION)
Marty Gerendasy:
A slimy young dude named Maurice
Met a widow he thought he could fleece.
But his try was for naught,
For he quickly got caught.
Now he hopes for an early release.
Brian Allgar:
His grammatical errors increase;
Wrong apostrophes litter each piece.
Then last night, around four,
Came a knock at his door:
“Open up! It’s the grammar police!”
Tiel Aisha Ansari:
When Jason returned with the Fleece
He put his whole crew on release
And all that he tendered
For services rendered–
At most, half an obol apiece.
Tim James:
“Lots of fish in the sea!” is a piece
Of old “wisdom” he cites without cease.
He beds ladies one night;
After that, he takes flight.
His philosophy: catch and release.
Brian Allgar:
There was never a moment of peace;
She could talk like a gaggle of geese;
She would scold and she’d nag
Till a large plastic bag
Brought him silence – a blessed release.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MONEY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
To understand money, be sure
You are not some rich entrepreneur,
For tell me, how shall you
Conceive its true value
Unless and until you’ve been poor?
Dave Johnson:
Though her wealthy old lover is gruff,
He buys her a lot of nice stuff.
But when ready for sex,
There is no time for checks;
Just a blindfold while he’s in the buff.
Randolph Wagner:
A sad, tawdry saga is Mitch’s
Beginning with staggering riches
To which he fell heir.
They were squandered with flair
Since his tool couldn’t stay in his britches.
Brian Allgar: (Donald Trump begs for contributions)
“Please send me some money – you must,
’Cause you know I’m the guy you can trust.
As Prez, I will show how
My bankruptcy knowhow
Can make the whole country go bust.”
Kirk Miller:
If money to me you’d disburse
For odes that were raunchy or worse,
’Twould allow me to say,
In my deviant way,
“I guess that my pay’d be per verse.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Have you ever walked down any street
And found cash in your path at your feet?
A thrill tends to flow
From your head to your toe
Whenever the two of you meet.
Dave Johnson:
Las Vegas, that desert oasis,
Was built on an interesting basis.
You lose all your dough,
Then booze while they show
Bare boobies in big, glitzy places.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, Tiel Aisha Ansari, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (255)
Saturday, June 11th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The Success Model Two will impress
As it draws out the pits with finesse.
It will not bruise the fruit,
And it’s quiet to boot,
’Cause nothing sucks seeds like Success!
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special ANGER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My wife and my best friend in bed!
In my anger, I shot them both dead,
Then I buried them deep
In my composting heap.
Now my garden is very well fed.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Marty Gerendasy, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Pedro Poitevin, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRESS” RHYME DIVISION)
Randolph Wagner:
His bright “Hallelujahs” impress,
But his musical flair and finesse
Truly can’t hold a candle
To how George can “Handel”
D major, his key to success.
Marty Gerendasy:
Now I really must clean and must press
My good suit ’cause it’s clearly a mess!
Gotta have it by noon,
Better be ready soon,
Or I’ll have to start wearing a dress!
Fred Bortz:
All aboard! It’s the Quantum Express
Where the route’s well-defined, more or less,
’Til you pass through the tunnel.
And then what you’ve done’ll
Be just a statistical guess.
Tim James:
A novitiate tried to express
Her regret, for she’d made quite a mess.
She had made it a habit
To kill off the rabbit.
She cried, but she’s gone, nuntheless.
Brian Allgar:
Those bastards who cynically mess
With your head, causing untold distress,
Spreading lies, propaganda,
False rumours and slander,
Are collectively known as “The Press.”
Pedro Poitevin:
I ask for a threesome and “Yes,”
My wife and her friend acquiesce.
Then I notice my mood—
God, I’ve shrunk like a prude!
Now I’m anxious, I guess, to impress.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ANGER LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James, for his Acrostic Limerick:
The rage in today’s GOP
Rots the party’s insides. We can see
Ugly insults fly thick.
Might a small, stubby dick
Prompt such crap? No, his brain is what’s wee.
Konrad Schwoerke:
I’m thinking divorce, I’m so mad:
To rekindle the romance we had,
I suggested a date night,
A hot, sexy late night—
So she’s out with some actor named Brad.
Fred Bortz:
If Trump makes you angry, just note
That the lies that spew out of his throat,
Though vicious and vile,
Are only a pile
Of bullshit. So get out and vote!
Dave Johnson:
He’s claiming his Trump U was shrewd,
But students cried fraud and they sued.
Court documents show
What the plaintiffs all know:
You don’t have to undress to get screwed.
Suzanne Heymann:
When he joined anger management classes
Along with the ill-tempered masses
He felt he was cursed,
Being fully immersed
In a room with the worst bunch of asses.
So what else could he bloody well do?
He tried Prozac, booze, pot and sex too.
Waves of madness were tidal,
A touch homicidal,
Perhaps suicidal – snafu!
As he went to apply for some pogey,
He met a strange man, some old fogey
Who wore a fedora
And had a bright aura.
It’s hard to ignore a great yogi.
The old wise man could see through his pain
And he sought to unshackle his chain.
Meditation he taught,
And it helped him a lot.
Peace and sanity came back again.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Pedro Poitevin, Randolph Wagner, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, May 28th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
My gal’s faithful and true and won’t stray
And she’s there at the end of the day
With a warm, loving kiss.
In addition to this,
She can sit, fetch, roll over and stay.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special SCIENCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The scientist wrote many theses
On cloning unusual species.
What challenged the most
Was the right-wing talk host;
For that one, you’d have to use feces.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Fred Bortz, Ian Graham, Brian Allgar, Daniel Ari, Marty Gerendasy, Tim James, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STAY” RHYME DIVISION)
Randy Wagner:
When that plucky Miss Muffet would stay
On the tuffet, the spider would say,
“If you choose to remain,
Let me clearly explain:
Spiders bite! Go ahead, make my day.”
Fred Bortz:
A “fabulous” drag queen would say,
“My very large organ must stay.
It earns me a ten
When I’m bedded by men
Who joyously find that I’m gay.”
Ian Graham:
Though straitlaced, she said, “Well, OK.
“We’ll play – once I’ve loosened my stay.”
Said he in a daze:
“I suppose you mean ‘stays’?”
She said, “No, just the one for today.”
Brian Allgar:
He invited the bimbo to stay
For the night. She replied “Well, okay;
But I need to be sure
You don’t think I’m a whore.”
“Don’t worry,” he said, “I won’t pay.”
Daniel Ari:
A couple who lived by the bay
Engaged in some furry role play.
Said the girl to her chum,
“You won’t hear me say ‘come,’
’Til you’ve learned to roll over and stay.”
Marty Gerendasy:
She begged of me, “Don’t go away,
’Cause I really would like you to stay.”
What followed was pleasure
That’s too great to measure,
And for once I did not have to pay.
Tim James:
She had wanted the farmhand to stay
In the barn for a roll in the hay.
Then she cringed in disgust:
He was covered in dust.
It’s a truism: grime doesn’t pay.
Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly
When the farmhand suggested she stay
In the barn for a roll in the hay,
She said, “Sit on my stool
And I’ll straddle your tool–
I can finish the milking that way.”
Suzanne Heymann:
The roof of his cabriolet
Got stuck on a cold rainy day.
She’d fret, get upset
As her hairdo got wet,
And he just couldn’t get her to stay.
A convertible’s only okay
If the sun in the sky’s on display.
But if snow, rain or ice
Comes, then take my advice;
Get her flowers and nice lingerie.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCIENCE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
“Evolution is fact!” said the right.
“Climate science? We’ve now seen the light!”
After that, Heidi Klum
Showed up, nude, in my room.
‘Twas one hell of a dream Friday night.
Brian Allgar:
Creationists place great reliance
On bibles, and little on science.
As they slurp countless beers,
They say “Six thousand years
Is the world’s age!” with drunken defiance.
Fred Bortz:
The physicists had a huge spat
In their quantum entanglement chat.
One delivered this lesson:
“If you are caught messin’,
You’ll end up like Schrödinger’s cat.”
Then Heisenberg entered the fray.
“I’m uncertain it’s true what you say.
You have no compunction
To use your wave function.
My matrices carry the day.”
Was one of them on the right track?
I admit I was taken aback
When Pauli was puzzled
And both men were muzzled.
He said, “We must query Dirac.”
“Let’s add Relativity here,”
The Englishman said to a cheer.
But his math raised a clatter.
“What is this? Antimatter?
Outlandish, and yet it is clear.”
The squabbling continues today.
Quantum weirdness is true. It must stay.
The results provide traction.
That famed “spooky action”
That Einstein decried won’t go ’way.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Daniel Ari, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Ian Graham, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 2nd, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny two-verse limerick:
Brian Allgar:
My wife phoned to say: “I’m delayed;
We have guests, so I’ve hired a maid
To set out the table,
And start, if she’s able,
Preparing the beef marinade.”
Well, I have to confess that I strayed.
Though I’m fond of my wife, I’m afraid
That I’m tempted to roam;
By the time she got home,
Both the maid and the table were laid.
Congratulations to PATRICK MCKEON, who wins the Special GREED-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
As they led him to jail he decreed:
“It was all done for love and not greed.
It’s a passion I feel
Which compels me to steal,
Though that passion’s for cash I concede.”
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
It’s not “I have lain” but “I’ve laid,”
If you lured her to bed and then played,
But if in that same bed
You were sleeping instead
You have lain but not laid, I’m afraid.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Randolph Wagner, Patrick McKeon, Mary McGarvey, Jeanine Silverio, Brian Allgar, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LAID” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GREED LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy:
There was a young lady who made
Lots of money with guys getting laid.
But insatiable greed
Made her do one more deed,
Which is how she got caught in a raid.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LAID” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
Since I hate buying cars, I delayed
Going down to the lot. But I made
The deal of my life:
A new Ford for my wife.
I thought it a pretty good trade.
Dave Johnson:
Their accountant was handsomely paid;
But in time, he apparently strayed.
Many thousands, they say,
Went a prostitute’s way;
It looks like those funds were miss laid.
Fred Bortz:
The bishop knew how to get laid.
He’d have fun with a nun in the glade.
His number one Sister
Was really a Mister.
He glowed when the truth was displayed!
Robert Schechter:
They said I’d be handsomely paid
If I marched in the Virgin Parade.
I was game for a buck,
But damn my bad luck!
Before the check cleared, I got laid.
Will T. Laughlin:
Oh, when did my sex appeal fade?
I stare at my breakfast, dismayed:
Orange juice gets a squeeze;
Bacon strips (such a tease!),
And the eggs, unlike me, have been laid.
Allen Wilcox:
It was down on his couch that he laid
On a fine APRIL day, and he prayed
That he not wake too soon.
But he woke up in JUNE,
Which left him completely disMAYed!
Randolph Wagner:
His ex, at his funeral, laid
A rose on his corpse. Quite dismayed,
She sighed, “Only if
You had been half as stiff
While living, I’d surely have stayed.”
Patrick McKeon:
On his deathbed an old pilot prayed
For a post mortem heaven upgrade.
But he couldn’t go straight
To that great pearly gate,
Since his final approach was delayed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GREED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
The billionaire’s bluster and babble;
A cringe-worthy gift to the rabble.
Unhinged and absurd,
His bleating is heard
And reads like a bad game of Scrabble.
Will T. Laughlin:
A candidate, out on his tours,
Said this as he spoke to “the poors”:
“I have money, and stuff,
But it isn’t enough –
I won’t rest ’til I take away YOURS.”
Mary McGarvey:
San Francisco’s Directors of BART
All get fat while the trains fall apart;
These crooks full of hooey
Let BART go Ka-blooey
With grand theft as a great noble art.
Tim James:
Gordon Gekko, film crook, didn’t care;
He praised greed. So does Trump. Let’s compare!
The guy from the flick
Was much less of a dick;
In addition, he had better hair.
Jeanine Silverio:
Though he dressed in a monk’s humble habit,
Vows of poverty displeased the abbot.
The sheer weight of his tax
Broke the peasantry’s backs.
He lusted for gold and to grab it.
Brian Allgar:
He would gorge himself, heap after heap,
Every moment he wasn’t asleep.
This greedy young glutton
Ate huge bowls of mutton
Until he had wolfed the whole sheep.
Suzanne Heymann:
Those Black Fridays are days filled with greed
Where the shoppers create a stampede.
Boxing Day’s not enough?
Life may get tough and rough
As you buy all this stuff you don’t need.
Tempting bargains would help you forget
That there’s int’rest on top of the debt.
While you think you will ‘save’
You’ll find out you’re a slave
As you’re hit with a wave of regret.
So live under your means; give up greed.
Pay off all of your debts; then you’re freed.
A belly well-fed
And a roof o’er your head
And some love in your bed’s all you need.
Your big debt load at least will have ONE dent
Till it’s vanished, becoming redundant.
The stress will stop seething.
You’re once again breathing
And living a life that’s abundant!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jeanine Silverio, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Mary McGarvey, Patrick McKeon, Randolph Wagner, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (249)
Sunday, February 7th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said the Colonel “Cadet, I’ll be frank;
A blowjob is due to my rank.”
So the female cadet
Sucked his stiff ‘bayonet,’
But the charge in his weapon was blank.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special BEVERAGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Our children are looking divine.
’Neath the chuppah, two families entwine.
But the rabbi looks stressed
As I make this request:
“Has Your Holiness more of this wine?”
Congratulations to COLLEEN MURPHY, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for her limerick that received the most Facebook “likes.”
Colleen Murphy:
The candidate tried to be frank,
But his stats with constituents sank.
So he gave to their ear
What they wanted to hear,
And he quickly moved upward in rank.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Tim James, Perry Plouff, Suzanne Heymann, Will T. Laughlin, Fred Bortz, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FRANK” RHYME DIVISION)
Bob Dvorak:
At art I’m not even mid-rank,
But it calms me, if I may be frank.
My brain today? Dead,
And my pencil? No lead.
At the end, I keep drawing a blank.
Tim James:
For a woman, the label is “skank,”
If not “slut,” “whore,” or [fill in the blank].
If a man sleeps around
He hears no worse than “hound.”
Double standards shame Fran, but not Frank.
Perry Plouff:
Dear Madeleine, let me be frank.
I wrote out some poems and they stank.
I just can’t complete
This poetical feat
In a manner which doesn’t turn rank.
Suzanne Heymann:
An outlaw named James, first name Frank,
Walked nervously into a bank.
Instead of a gun
He had pulled out a bun,
So his chances for wealth quickly shrank.
Will T. Laughlin:
The inspector said, “Let me be frank…”
So I pushed him straight off of the plank,
And when he fell in
To the sausage-meat bin,
I obligingly started to crank.
Fred Bortz:
A Congressman named Barney Frank
Said, “Enough! You can’t screw us, Big Bank!”
So he and Chris Dodd
Joined together, by God,
And they crafted an act of first rank.
Slings and arrows came from their right flank;
All the cranks soon declared the bill stank.
But Barney just laughed.
“Next time YOU’LL get the shaft
As the door of your jail cell goes clank.”
Alas, AIG schemer Hank
(Mr. Greenberg) avoided the tank.
To us it’s unnerving
That one so deserving
Goes free when he shoulda been sank.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BEVERAGE LIMERICK DIVISION)
David Reddekopp:
A fellow named Homer had woes
Which he’d drown in his liquor at Moe’s.
Were his troubles so large
That he couldn’t tell Marge?
He’s a man of a million “D’ohs.”
Dave Johnson:
“This Chardonnay’s lovely with pork,”
He said as he fondled the cork.
She gave him a smile,
But thought all the while
“Just pour it and don’t be a dork.”
Kirk Miller:
There’s a soft drink that people say stokes them.
Don’t withhold The Real Thing; it provokes them.
You should know that for sure
They are easy to lure.
All it takes is a bottle to Cokes them.
Brian Allgar:
My doctor had told me I oughta
Drink less. Well, I’m fond of a snorter
Of rum, whisky, brandy,
Whatever is handy –
To please him, I stopped drinking water.
Will T. Laughlin:
If the Bundys continue their stint,
I think we should give them a hint
About deregulation:
Cut off their hydration,
And make them drink water from Flint.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Some might say I had gone a bit far
When I crashed through the door in my car,
Hit the wall with a thud,
And demanded more Bud:
My drunkenness razes the bar.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Perry Plouff, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Sunday, January 24th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I heard my love let out a wail
And knew she was fast turning pale.
I’d heard it before
And told her once more:
“My dear, stay away from the scale.”
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special Dog and/or Cat-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
One day my Maltese caught a whiff
Of a bitch and then said with a sniff,
“She’s not of my breed
But I know what I need:
A great dame that will make my mast stiff.”
Congratulations to both J COSMO NEWBERY and MARK KANE, who in a tie each win the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks that received the most Facebook “likes.”
J Cosmo Newbery:
The response of the typical male
Is turning the palest of pale
When informed by his wife,
The love of his life,
How much she has saved at the sale.
Mark Kane:
At the nude beach the regulars rail
At the newbies who follow their trail.
They’ll claim that they go
Very often, although
Certain parts are suspiciously pale.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Valerie Grzegorczyk, Kirk Miller, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PALE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOG and/or CAT LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy
When it rains cats and dogs mixed with hail,
You’ll be smart if you look for a pail.
If you can’t find a real one,
Just go out and steal one.
I’ll be happy to put up your bail.
Brian Allgar:
Our puppy would try to impale
Every creature possessing a tail.
This libidinous habit,
When tried with a rabbit,
Anatomically just had to fail.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PALE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
He got stopped by a cop. Turning pale,
He attempted a bribe to dodge jail.
But it didn’t quite work
‘Cause the poor, clueless jerk
Didn’t notice the doughnuts were stale.
Will T. Laughlin:
In my youth, I was thin as a rail,
But today I resemble a whale.
I attribute my size
Less to burgers and fries
Than “small” sodas that come in a pail.
Dave Johnson:
For Henry, the night was a fail,
Spent chasing and trying to nail
A pretty young thing
Who noticed his ring
Left a circle that’s narrow and pale.
Suzanne Heymann:
A showerhead ordered by mail
Consists of white bucket and nail.
Hang it up like a wreath
And poke holes underneath.
That is how you impale a pale pail.
Valerie Grzegorczyk:
The mail order bride wore a veil.
When ’twas lifted, the groom turned quite pale.
From pale he turned green;
She’d arrived sight unseen.
He shipped her back C.O.D. mail.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOG and/or CAT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
Out in Texas, a cowpoke named Sid
Took to heart words from songs as a kid.
Bought a dachshund one day
’Cause the lyrics did say:
“Get a long little doggie.” He did.
Will T. Laughlin:
If your puppy-dog constantly chews
Through one of each pair of your shoes,
He’s just taking care
That your feet should be bare
When you step into one of his poos.
Konrad Schwoerke:
My dog, though he’s quick, ain’t a greyhound,
And he’s not, without training, a stay hound,
But he thinks that his job
Is to fetch what I lob,
Which, of course, makes him ace as a play hound.
Marty Gerendasy:
When your cats or dogs jump on your bed
And start doing a dance on your head,
You may think that they’re playing,
But what they are saying
Is “Get up, we wanna be fed!”
Will T. Laughlin, who also wins The Limerick Saga Award for this touching tale:
At times, when the going was tough –
When I felt that enough was enough,
And I’d want to give up –
I would look at my pup…
And my pup looked at me, and said, “Wuff.”
When my patience was truly worn through,
And I just didn’t know what to do,
In my fuddle and fog
I would turn to my dog,
And my pup, looking up, said, “Aroo.”
In the midst of an awful kerfuffle,
When rest was as rare as a truffle
And no peace could be found,
I would turn to my hound,
And my dog turned to me, and said, “Wuffle.”
And should I confront the abyss –
When it seemed my whole life was amiss,
And I wanted to bawl –
She’d say nothing at all:
Just come over, and give me a kiss.
My dog has long since passed away.
But after a terrible day
When troubles betide me,
She’s still here beside me,
And still knows the right thing to say.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, J Cosmo Newbery, Kirk Miller, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mark Kane, Marty Gerendasy, Scott Crowder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Valerie Grzegorczyk, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Saturday, January 9th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
In the Eighties, Lewd Lou was the dude
For drugs for improving the mood.
It was always enough
That he’d mention his “stuff”:
It was ’Ludes to which Lewd Lou’d allude.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Sleep and/or Insomnia-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My insomnia cure isn’t booze;
Neither pills nor warm milk do I use.
But a long string of lies
Makes me nod, close my eyes.
It’s a cure that I’m calling “Fox Snooze.”
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
The limerick mistress is shrewd
To suggest that our verses be lewd
And allude to our privies,
Or privates, or skivvies,
With words excremental and crude.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Sue Dulley, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEWD” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
The fellow’s a bit of a prude;
Not prone to be naughty or lewd.
At Haulover Beach,
For a necktie he’ll reach;
He hates being totally nude.
Robert Schechter:
Bill Cosby admits he was shrewd
In wooing the women he screwed:
“I’m famous, I’m charming,
My wit is disarming,
And I make them all swallow a ’lude.”
Tim James:
A fellow once tried to elude
Married life, for a reason quite crude:
“Buy the cow? Not for me,
When the milk comes for free!”
But “the cow” overheard him. He’s screwed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SLEEP/INSOMNIA LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
How I long for a slumber that’s deep!
I have tried to count gambolling sheep,
But instead, they count me,
And before they’ve reached three,
Every sheep in the flock is asleep.
Kirk Miller:
Getting piglets to sleep’s not a chore
For their father, who sits on the floor
By their bed. Tales he’ll spin
When his offspring turn in.
They nod off ’cause their daddy’s a boar.
Suzanne Heymann:
If you sleep like a baby, you’re nuts,
Because every two hours your guts
Are screaming for food
And your pants have been pooed
Cuz not one of your holes ever shuts.
Sue Dulley:
The clock says it’s 2:45;
I’m longing for sleep to arrive.
Now what would it take
To stay this wide awake
At the wheel on a long-distance drive?
Will T. Laughlin, who also wins The Limerick Saga Award for this all too familiar, albeit funny, story:
It’s eleven. You turn out the light.
The room is as dark as the night.
You yearn for repose,
But your eyes will not close:
There’s something that just isn’t right.
In your mind, the ideas are reeling.
You’re left with a terrible feeling
That the thoughts of the day
Simply won’t go away,
So you lie there and stare at the ceiling.
You’re constantly tossing and turning –
You’re freezing — next minute, you’re burning.
You glance at the clock
And you see with a shock
That it’s two. But your brain is still churning.
You find you’re beginning to twitch,
For the blanket is starting to itch.
You try counting sheep.
Then your leg falls asleep,
And you think: lucky sonofabitch.
You’ve now made a mess of the bed:
You’re all tangled up in the spread.
As the black turns to grey
In the new-dawning day,
The whites of your eyes turn to red.
Eight hours you’ve tortured your brain
To come up with a verse for Mad Kane
On insomnia. Well,
Those eight hours of hell
Have left you completely insane.
But there’s no time for that any more:
Get up! Put your feet on the floor!
There’s a day’s work ahead,
So… (you fall back in bed;
As your head hits the pillow, you snore.)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, December 27th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The Mayor Rob Ford wasn’t wise
Getting filmed smoking crack. His demise
Was assured when he tried
To deny he had lied,
So now he’s the Ford of the Lies.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
When AutoCorrect makes you groan,
Remember that this year alone
More than two thousand dupes
Sold their souls (or their “soups”)
To SANTA, because of their phone.
Congratulations to JUDITH H. BLOCK, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
With a smile on his deathbed, here lies
A guy who had stars in his eyes.
The sex, off the chart,
Was too much for his heart.
It was an ecstatic demise.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order): Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Sue Dulley, Allen Wilcox, Will T. Laughlin, Jim Sullivan, RJ Clarken, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Dave Johnson, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LIES” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO HOLIDAY LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
From the rooftop, old Santa relies
On a chimney to bring his surprise,
But this year, he got stuck,
And they heard him yell “Fuck!
I have eaten too many mince pies!”
Fred Bortz, who notes that his limerick is based on a true story: “Our daughter entered the world on the 366th day of a leap year, about 10 days early.”
A tax refund lights up our eyes;
The onset of labor belies
The o.b.’s prediction.
His date was a fiction.
Our New Year’s Eve baby’s a prize!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LIES” RHYME DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
“All these words that I utter are lies,”
Quips the prankster, “so you would be wise
To refuse to believe
That I always deceive.”
Meanwhile, logic just curls up and dies.
Allen Wilcox:
He has made quite a fetish of ties
On which his dear mistress relies.
He wears them so long
That they tickle his dong
And create a great increase in sighs.
Will T. Laughlin:
The fury; the venom; the lies;
The call for the Others’ demise;
The tribalist hate –
Say, was this a debate,
Or rehearsal for “Lord of the Flies?”
Jim Sullivan:
Some day they’ll be saying, “Here lies . . .”
When they’ve closed up my mouth and my eyes.
My family will sigh. It
Will be very quiet
When I leap up and yell out, “Surprise!”
Rj Clarken:
The media often supplies
News bites they sensationalize,
With candidates who
Hope their viewers will view
The world through their very skewed eyes.
So we often compartmentalize,
Disassociate or else disguise
The fact we can’t face,
Look away or erase
What we’d normally diss otherwise.
Suzanne Heymann:
If you can see through someone’s guise
Just by looking right into their eyes,
You’ll know if they’re ruthless
Mendacious or truthless;
Your real eyes realize real lies.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (HOLIDAY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Down the chimney I saw Santa go
To a brothel; how couldn’t he know?
At the bottom were three
Lovely ladies, so he
Put new spin on the phrase “Ho ho ho.”
Dave Johnson:
The holiday season is here
With greetings and lots of good cheer.
Our spirits will lift
Since we get to re-gift
That crap from the previous year.
David Reddekopp:
It’s realized – Santa’s worst fear;
The reindeer are striking this year.
Fatigue was a factor,
So he bought a tractor,
For nothing can run like a Deere.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Jim Sullivan, Jon Gearhart, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, RJ Clarken, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (242)
Sunday, November 29th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
For church, we’ve got no time to spend,
And the sermons we don’t comprehend,
So I set up a dummy
Of me and my mummy.
We tend to pretend we attend.
Congratulations to Judith H. Block on her Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:
This Thanksgiving we need to intend
To be kind and to try to transcend
Misconceptions and fears.
We’ve all shed enough tears.
The world needs more love, in the end.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ailsa McKillop, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, and Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Ailsa McKillop:
So you know when you plain overspend
On some Blahniks, egged on by your friend?
Hubby asks you the price
And without thinking twice
You halve it. That’s right, gals pretend!
Kirk Miller:
The tornado book follows a trend
Of suspense books that oftentimes tend
To give a surprise.
If readers are wise,
They’ll expect there’s a twist at the end.
Tim James:
Ladies, THIS is important. Attend:
There’s this guy, all laid up, on the mend,
While sweet, innocent Jean
(In the ways of love, green)
Says, “Good heavens! I thought it could bend!”
Brian Allgar:
They keep sending me ads to extend
The size of a lecher’s best friend,
So I trash it – no dice!
If I took their advice,
I’d be just a big prick in the end.
Fred Bortz:
I was warmly invited to spend
Some time to inter my good friend.
But it seems I was cursed,
And, alas, I died first.
So I sent my regrets: “Can’t attend.”
Dave Johnson:
Her lover won’t even defend
His failure to stretch and extend
Their moment of bliss
Beyond only this:
“OH YES!” He rolls over. The end.
Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller:
I have an effeminate friend.
Local NFL games we attend,
Though he’s not into sports.
It’s because he cavorts
With a certain young rookie tight end.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Judith H. Block, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Saturday, October 3rd, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
For a call girl she likes simple chow,
But she charges a grand to drop trou
For a night’s worth of vice.
Here’s her totaled-up price:
Jug of wine, loaf of bread, and a thou.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Ian Graham, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Robert Schechter:
In Italy, friends, I learned how,
When leaving the palace, to bow.
This courtesy brings
The favor of kings.
(They get mad if you only say ciao.)
Ian Graham:
In the midst of a meeting with Mao,
The Central Committee said “Ciao.
We’re all off to munch
A hot dog for lunch.
We’re told there’s Great Chow in Macao.”
David Reddekopp:
I’m going to make this my vow:
To party for Lent – oh, and how!
For the fast goes by fast
When you’re having a blast
And so now I say “ciao” to my chow.
Dave Johnson:
With hipster beards popular now,
Some fellows have figured out how
To grow ’em real thick
Like a hair-covered brick;
It’s handy for storing some chow.
Tim James:
A sailor, ashore for some chow,
Met a lady who asked him just how
Swabbies “do it.” He laughed,
Turned her round, faced her aft,
And rammed into her stern with his prow.
Konrad Schwoerke:
We were told, on our cruise to Macao,
That some Asians eat dog even now.
And it’s true, ’cause one day
At a local café
Our host asked, “May we bring you some chow?”
Suzanne Heymann:
While making her first wedding vow
The wife planned their life and here’s how:
“I can clean, pay the bills.
I have great bedroom skills.
Just don’t ask me to cook any chow.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Endnote: I’m posting this nearly four hours before deadline because I’m under the weather; I want to make sure I get it done while my brain is still more or less working. :) If I love any additional limerick that comes in within the regular deadline, I’ll add it to the Honorable Mentions.
Tags: Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Ian Graham, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Saturday, August 15th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Down in Sydney, a chef thought he knew
How to add to some soup, kangaroo.
But it spoiled the soup;
’Twas too thick; to recoup
He renamed it mar-soup-ial stew.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Ian Graham, Tim James, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
When the weather outside turns one blue
And it’s barren where veggies once grew,
There’s nothing so neat
As to turn up the heat
And serve chili instead of bland stew.
Brian Allgar:
He was painting the whole of Peru
In the purest cerulean blue,
But the paint got confused
With his lunch-pail (he’d boozed),
So now Lima’s the color of stew.
Dave Johnson:
All the others continued to stew
When The Donald was finally through.
He had left Megyn fuming
And now he’s assuming
He’ll fire the rest of them too.
Ian Graham:
“His heart,” in her old mother’s view,
“Will be melted by serving him stew.”
A ragout made of mutton
Seemed right on the button
When he dreamily sighed “I love ewe.”
Tim James:
The gourmet served his signature stew
Made from wombat and spiced kangaroo.
Not to seem impolite,
I consumed ev’ry bite.
Now excuse me. I must find the loo.
Suzanne Heymann:
I once had some gnarly beef stew.
The stuff was just too hard to chew–
So tasteless and dry.
I soon found out why;
It was made from my grandfather’s shoe!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Ian Graham, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, July 4th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A collections attorney named Kirk
Desires a new line of work.
His resume states
The most obvious traits:
“An accomplished, professional jerk.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) J Cosmo Newbery, Fred Bortz, Judith H. Block, Nate Levin, David Reddekopp, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
J Cosmo Newbery:
She had a few drinks after work,
Then slept in the arms of a clerk
And dreamed of a life
As a happy young wife.
But, alas, she woke up with a jerk.
Fred Bortz:
She once loved his ev’ry sweet quirk.
She insisted each one was a perk.
But there’s little enjoyment
If spouse lacks employment,
So she dumped him, that work-shirking jerk.
Judith H. Block:
Be gentle, don’t pull, yank or jerk,
Tease, firmly caress — that will work.
You want him to last,
Not end it too fast;
To haunt him and drive him berserk.
Nate Levin
The G-O-P prez-field’s berserk,
And the typical member’s a jerk.
They’re reality flee-ers
With eyes on the Tea’ers.
Is this how a party should work?
David Reddekopp:
All men have a gherkin to jerk.
Most find that their jerkin’s a perk.
But woe to the guys
Who can’t make it rise,
And find that their gherkin won’t work.
Suzanne Heymann:
Each man in my life was a jerk,
So I’m single – a permanent quirk.
I JUST have it in me
That no one can win me—
A man is just too much hard work.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, J Cosmo Newbery, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Nate Levin, Suzanne Heymann, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick of the Week (220)
