Posts Tagged ‘Suzanne Heymann’
Sunday, October 29th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
My two titties were built like a tank.
I had dear Mother Nature to thank.
But I’m way past my prime
And can thank Father Time
For the ultimate crime – they both sank.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Vegetable-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Did you hear about Ruthie Ann Rickles?
She used cukes for her intimate tickles,
’Til poor Ruthie (all heedless
Of sticking to seedless)
Gave birth to a jarful of pickles.
Congratulations to SUE DULLEY, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
One veggie that I love to hate: (oh,
Apart from the cherry tomato) –
More bland than wax beans
And less tasty than greens,
Is the boring-as-hell mashed potato.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Marty Gerendasy, Daniel Ari, Randolph Wagner, Sue Dulley, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TANK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO VEGETABLE LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
“Your Honor,” said bank robber Reggie,
“My wife said we had to go veggie.
She threw out my steaks
And fed me kale shakes,
Which I guess made me feel kind of edgy.
Then she took all my cash and my plastic,
So I had to go do something drastic.
I **did** rob that bank —
Just so I could tank
Up on roast beef — and it was fantastic!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TANK” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Said the hooker to Trump: “I’ll be frank;
Though you claim that you’re built like a tank,
It’s a tank with a belly
That shakes like a jelly,
And a weapon whose charges are blank.”
Will T. Laughlin:
“I’ve the Second Amendment to thank
For keeping me safe,” hollered Hank.
“It’s my right to bear arms,
So who cares who it harms?”
Then he drove off to church… in his tank.
Marty Gerendasy:
After spending the night with a skank,
He awoke with the drunks in the tank.
Blinked his eyes, said “Oh dear,
What am I doing here?
Guess it must have been something I drank!”
Daniel Ari:
A robber fresh out of the tank
Walked into First National Bank.
“We’ve met,” said the greeter.
The con pulled his heater
And said, “I’m not drawing a blank.”
Sharon Neeman:
A conceited new sergeant named Hank
Took a selfie while driving his tank.
Pride precedeth a fall —
He steered into a wall…
Thirty days and demotion in rank.
Randolph Wagner:
A saucy pert lass, when alerted
To breezes blown nippingly, flirted.
Her bearing was frank
As she donned a sheer tank:
It was pointedly quite extroverted.
Sue Dulley:
I tried to put gas in my tank
But the screen showed no numbers, just blank.
Then my credit card stuck
’Til a tourist (such luck!)
Pulled it out – all it took was a Yank.
Steve Whitred:
Once again in the hoosegow or tank.
How I got here is somewhat a blank.
But I know that in part
I blame René Descartes;
I am and so therefor I drank.
Sue Dulley, for her “Atheist’s Lament”
I’ve plenty of gas in the tank
Of my car, and some cash in the bank;
Some fabric for stitchin’,
And food in the kitchen
But no idea whom I should thank.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (VEGETABLE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“I am sick of my vegetable diet,”
The bimbo complained. “I don’t buy it –
It’s protein I need!”
And her doctor agreed:
“Just blow me, and I can supply it.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Why can’t vegetables taste more like candy?
Why, that sure would be dandy and handy!
If I pull a few strings,
Let us see what that brings –
I’ll just cook the damn things in some brandy!
Dave Johnson:
Organic is better, they say;
For some, there is no other way.
Still, others resist,
It’s not on their list;
They really don’t care what you spray.
Steve Whitred, who says: “Don’t ask how I know.”
With cucumber coitus take care.
Fresh corn cobs and carrots forswear.
Those little zucchinis
Resembling weenies
Or peppers; don’t put ’em up there!
David Reddekopp:
There once was a man from Beirut
Who was paralyzed, deaf, and a mute.
He was also quite gay,
So the bigots would say
“He’s a vegetable, and he’s a fruit.”
Stephen Whitred:
This rumor is true folks, I swear it:
A brand new Vegas line, let me share it.
You can gamble on who
Has the higher IQ.
Is it Tillerson (Rex) or a carrot?
Tim James:
My new diet’s all veggies. I make
The best seaweed and pressed tofu cake.
It’s quite easy to do it:
You have to … oh, screw it!
Won’t someone please make me a steak?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daniel Ari, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Saturday, October 14th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A brewer’s wife, hastily wed,
Came to dread joyless hops into bed.
And so she went down
On each fellow in town.
And that’s how things came to a head.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special GLASSES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
On the naturist beach, he loves staring
At flesh that the ladies are baring.
He even makes passes
At girls who wear glasses,
Provided that’s all that they’re wearing.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ and STEVE WHITRED, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Fred Bortz:
Dear Madeleine Kane, you should dread
If my limerick’s not at the head.
Prepare for the worst
If my poem’s not first.
Your friendly extortionist, Fred.
Steve Whitred:
Don’t let Fred put a gun to your head.
You should pick one of MY lims instead;
They’re insightful and funny.
I’ll wire you money.
Ignore what that scientist said.
Fred Bortz:
Mad’s caught between two different tribes;
Arm-twisters and those who use bribes.
She can’t win for losing.
The answer is boozing.
And that’s why our leader imbibes.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Neal Starkman, Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Bruce Niedt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HEAD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GLASSES-Themed LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy:
“Hey, I can’t find my glasses!” he said.
“Could it be they fell under the bed?”
Then she gave him a look
And said “Don’t be a schnook.
“They’re still sitting on top of your head!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAD” RHYME DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
Since faces should never be smacked,
My friends and I made a nice pact
To give noogies instead
On the top of each head,
Even though it’s a knucklehead act.
Neal Starkman:
“Be nice now; I’ll give you some head.”
At least, that’s what I thought she had said.
I climbed into bed
But, dammit, instead,
She brought me a platter of bread.
Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:
Said Marie Antoinette at her wedding,
Let’s slip out dear and get to the bedding.
I’ll give you some head,
And I’d love to get spread,
Plus, my maidenhead needs a beheading.
Tim James:
A powerful media head
Uttered “Rosebud” before dropping dead.
So for hours on screen
They ask, “What did that mean?”
Here’s a spoiler alert: it’s a sled.
Steve Whitred:
The ex-lawyer, ex-oboist said
To her wooer, who’d just been misled:
“When I boasted, ‘You know,
I still blow like a pro,’
I was not at all proffering head.”
Will T. Laughlin:
The French executioner said,
As he mopped up a puddle of red:
“Madame Guillotine
May be wicked and mean,
But she really knows how to give head!”
Randolph Wagner:
An heiress flirtatiously said,
“All philanthropy starts in one’s bed.”
When she found a poor knave,
She indulgently gave
Him the shirt off her back and great head.
Jane Hoffman:
To lose weight, buy just one lettuce head
And with it eat one slice of bread.
That’s it for the day.
You’ll love what you weigh,
But you’ll never again feel well-fed!
Dave Johnson:
The madame quite proudly has said
“My ladies were properly bred.
Attentive and smart,
They’re well versed in the art
Of giving while getting ahead.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Do you suffer night terrors in bed?
And believe something’s wrong in your head?
Here’s a cure – sex and booze
And don’t stop! The good news?
You will probably snooze or drop dead.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GLASSES LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
I am fed up with Hollywood lasses
Who are “plain” ’til they take off their glasses;
Put that in your script,
And you ought to be shipped
To remedial screenwriting classes.
Brian Allgar:
Said the Donald, “I’m YUGE! It surpasses
The cock of your dreams! It outclasses – ”
The hooker said “Yes,
But to find it, I guess
That I’ll just have to put on my glasses.”
Sharon Neeman:
My near-sighted, shy friend Bill Shear
Solved both of his problems this year:
He got three different glasses
For meeting with lasses —
Martini, Old-Fashioned and beer.
Fred Bortz:
The rat was a pervert whose passes
Made friends think he needed new glasses.
He pursued the wrong genus–
Declared, “For my penis,
There’s nothing as sweet as mole asses.”
Tim James:
A fellow once said with a frown:
“Wearing specs makes me look like a clown;
Besides, you can tell
I see perfectly well…”
…Then walked into a door, and fell down.
Dave Johnson:
Fox News – where they sit on their asses
And blather voluminous gasses.
Each morning they’ll drool
Over Donald Trump’s rule
With a pile that would steam up your glasses.
Will T. Laughlin:
As nice as things tend to appear
Through rose-colored glasses, I fear
That it’s time to dispose
Of those glasses of rose,
And replace them with glasses of BEER.
Dave Johnson:
With Lasik, I wanted to boast
Great vision – much better than most.
It was that way indeed;
But now I’ve a need
For readers when writing this post.
Bruce Niedt:
Guys never make serious passes
(Goes the saying) at girls who wear glasses.
Said one spectacled cutie,
“They can’t see my beauty –
Their heads are all up in their asses!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce Niedt, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Neal Starkman, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, September 16th, 2017
At long last (after a lengthy wrist surgery-related hiatus) it’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARTY GERENDASY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
It used to be great fun to fly,
Soaring thousands of feet in the sky.
But now flying’s a pain,
So I’ll get there by train.
You can say I’m a well-grounded guy.
Congratulations to JEANINE E. SILVERIO, who wins the Special GARDEN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
In his hut next to Chatterley’s garden,
Lady C made her lover’s cock harden.
Flowers twined round his shaft,
In he thrust – fore and aft
(Which was painful until they put lard in.)
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special DOCTOR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A hospital patient named Phil
Thought he’d give the new intern a thrill.
He hoisted his gown,
And she said with a frown:
“That poor little guy caught a chill.”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SUMMER-FUN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Where to go on vacation? I choose
To go off on a long ocean cruise.
With the news from D.C.,
It’s important to me
To have access to plenty of booze.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CAFFEINE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A guy paid for hookers and blow
’Cause he craved stimulation. And so,
His heart was so stressed
It blew up in his chest.
Use caffeine. It’s the safe way to go.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Dave Johnson, Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GARDENING LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
“They eat all my plants,” my wife wails,
And leave horrible slithery trails!”
Though the bindweed’s a pain,
I am hoping to train
It to strangle those pestilent snails.
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOCTOR LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
Oh, how I do wish I could train
My MD to be kind and not vain!
Why is it that vets
Who look after our pets
Are gentler and far more humane?
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SUMMER FUN LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOCTOR LIMERICKS)
Dave Johnson:
Young lovers were taking a chance
In the woods for some outdoor romance.
The location they chose
For doffing their clothes
Had lots of green three-leafy plants.
The result was a terrible mess;
A dilemma they had to confess.
Poison Oak left its traces
In various places
Physicians would have to address.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRAIN” RHYME DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
In a formal, she thought she could “pass”
And convince her new date she had class —
But it all proved in vain
When she tripped on her train,
Tore her skirt, and revealed her sad ass.
Dave Johnson:
Refusing to fly in a plane,
They boarded a cross-country train.
As it rolled through the states,
They had meals on real plates
And arrived both refreshed and still sane.
Brian Allgar:
He discovered it’s wise to abstain
From blowjobs while flying a plane;
When turbulence hit,
He was violently bit.
The ex-pilot’s now driving a train.
Marty Gerendasy:
Makes no difference how hard I might train,
My old dog won’t go out in the rain.
She’ll start out and then stop
When she sees that first drop.
Which explains why the rug has a stain.
Dave Johnson:
Pelosi and Schumer will train
Their sights on a deal to remain
In the loop and survive;
As they manage to drive
McConnell and Ryan insane.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GARDENING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Judith H. Block:
A rake who could make women glow
Took up gardening, started to sow,
And was rather amused
That his friend was confused
When he said that he wanted a hoe.
Dave Johnson:
Here’s gardening tip Number One:
Make sure all the implements run.
If your tiller goes down,
Don’t grumble and frown;
A go with a hoe might be fun.
Tim James:
He dons a large hat and his jeans,
Then heads out to attend to his greens.
But his veggies all die
And it’s obvious why:
About gard’ning he doesn’t know beans.
Kirk Miller:
“I’ve been hoeing the garden,” said Kirk.
“It’s important that I never shirk
This foundational task.”
“It’s important?” you ask.
“Well of course, it is groundbreaking work.”
Brian Allgar:
A garden enthusiast, Fred,
Dismembered his wife in the shed
With a circular saw,
Then his mother-in-law,
And planted them both in the bed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOCTOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
You’re hoping the surgeon you’re stuck with
Is someone you won’t need to muck with.
If the doc leaves you worse’n
You thought, and you’re cursin’,
He picked the wrong person to fuck with!
Brian Allgar:
My doctor is sadly now late;
The booze and the cigs sealed his fate.
Oh, what was he thinking,
The smoking and drinking?
He’d only just turned ninety-eight.
Dave Johnson’s “Scenes from a medical convention:”
Podiatrists rise to their feet;
Cardiologists won’t skip a beat.
A surgeon explains
His practice takes brains;
Proctologists grab a rear seat.
David Reddekopp:
Trump’s cabinet takes his directions.
His party? It makes no objections.
But what’s really a laugh
Is the doctors on staff
Only know how to doctor elections.
Dave Johnson:
When Donald Trump’s angry and bitter,
His answer is whining on Twitter.
Some doctors would say
“He’s just wired that way…”
I’d say he requires a sitter.
Tim James:
Said the doctor to Madeleine Kane:
“Fits of anger you need to restrain.
It’s a pain in the rump
Watching Fox fluffing Trump.
Punch your screen, though? Next time, please refrain.”
David Reddekopp:
To a crummy old clinic she’d come.
Said the doctor: “What’s wrong? You look glum.”
But the last word was missed
When she said, “My bum wrist.”
And the doctor then checked out her bum.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SUMMER FUN LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
A beach in the summer can be
One place to feel totally free.
But some show their wrongs
In Speedos and thongs;
We try, but just cannot unsee.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Jeanine Silverio, Judith H. Block, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 3 Comments »
Saturday, June 24th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Every Brave and his tribe had to waive
All the rights to the land that they’d crave.
So I hope that you see
It’s the land of the free,
But no longer the home of the Brave.
Congratulations to MARTY GERENDASY, who wins the Special Graduation-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Best of luck to the new group of grads!
What a fine bunch of lassies and lads.
May they all have success
As they clean up the mess
That was left by their moms and their dads!
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
They thought he was safe in his grave,
The liar, the traitor, the knave.
But they heard a faint moan,
And the soil was upthrown
As a tiny hand started to wave.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Marty Gerendasy, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Hildy Zampella, Byron Miller, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WAVE/WAIVE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
He’d come on to her hard at the rave
When she’d flashed him a wink and a wave.
But he started to freak
When they danced cheek to cheek
‘Cause the “gal” was in need of a shave.
Marty Gerendasy:
With a wink and a smile and a wave
She could make any guy misbehave.
And she’d always defend
Her attempts to befriend.
“I’m just giving the boys what they crave.”
Fred Bortz:
“Does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er our country, the Home of the Brave?
Is our nation still free?”
Wonders Francis Scott Key,
As our forefathers roll in the grave.
Dave Johnson:
Now Trump is refusing to save
Our earth from the sun’s early grave.
So dumb, he can’t see
Mar-a-Lago will be
A House with a permanent wave.
Suzanne Heymann:
His long beard had the kinkiest wave,
And his wife asked, “Dear, why don’t you shave?
At least use some shampoo
To remove all the goo
No more nooky if you don’t behave!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRADUATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Congrats to the grads! It’s your day!
Let all that you’ve learned light your way!
Now the world looks to you!
To your own self be true,
On this National Day of Cliché.
Hildy Zampella:
Oh good heavens we just got one more!
Graduation announcements galore!
At last count, twenty three.
Will I ever be free
From this card-buying, check-writing chore?
Byron Miller:
If Trump ever speaks to the nation,
To state how he loves education,
The vacuous coot
Will expect a salute
For his primary school graduation.
Dave Johnson:
The valedictorian’s talk,
That proud “Pomp and Circumstance” walk;
Hooray for the grads!
While mothers and dads
Think “How do we get out of hock?”
Fred Bortz:
He may have been last in his class,
The one who just managed to pass,
But be careful. Don’t mock
When you visit that doc
With the proctoscope shoved up your ass.
David Reddekopp:
We’re all graduates. Everyone passes!
Though we sleepwalked through all of our classes,
As the final bell rings
We’ve not learned any things.
Now we’re out in the world – on our asses!
Dave Johnson:
Today should be happy, not sad;
You gained a lot more than you had.
Hard lessons were learned
For the title you’ve earned:
A Trump University grad!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Hildy Zampella, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (280)
Saturday, May 27th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, inspired by real events:
The balloons that he tied to his chair
Contained hydrogen (lighter than air.)
He soared up for a ride,
Lit a cig, and then died.
That’s a Darwin Award win, right there.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special SNOBBISHNESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“My parents are snooty.” she said
To her male-stripper boyfriend named Jed.
He answered this way:
“Let’s simply just say
I’m a mover and shaker instead.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Randolph Wagner, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, Patrice Stewart, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RIDE/DERIDE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SNOBBISHNESS LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
“Far be it for me to deride
Your grammar and spelling,” he sighed.
“Though no snob, I feel faint
When I hear you say “ain’t” –
It’s a thing that I cannot abide.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Soon after their overseas ride
As Melania stood near his side,
To her, he allotted
His hand, which she swatted;
That promptly bespotted his pride.
The old snob, one day, has to admit
As a husband, he’s fully unfit.
He deserves all the strife
Coming soon in his life;
That’s for treating his wife like pure shit!
Tim James:
A cowboy took way too much pride
In his bronc-busting talents. He tried
To impose by brute force
His mad skills on a horse
(Which he promptly commenced to de-ride).
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RIDE/DERIDE” RHYME DIVISION)
Randolph Wagner:
“Your ladies lack toned buns of steel,”
Quipped a patron who wasn’t genteel.
“I will never deride
Derrières that are wide,”
Answered Peter Paul Rubens with zeal.
Suzanne Heymann:
The prostitute, skirt short and tight
Got picked up by some guy, not too bright.
She had put sex aside
But said, “Thanks for the ride!”
Then away she would slide in the night.
Brian Allgar:
The Groom was sarcastic and snide;
Her wishes he’d just override.
He was brutal and shitty;
The Best Man felt pity,
And so I eloped with the Bride.
Sue Dulley:
When a person is hitching a ride
With his thumb sticking out to the side
I mouth “NOT going far”
(Speeding by in my car)
But I’m sure that he knows that I lied.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SNOBBISHNESS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
Some very rich people agree
They’re better – it’s so plain to see;
And should be admired
For how they’ve acquired
The golden commodes where they pee.
Patrice Stewart:
Many years had the Haughty One reigned,
During which all her friends had refrained
From revealing the truth
About Jennifer Ruth:
Her connections to blue blood were feigned.
Fred Bortz:
Born to wealth, having blood that runs blue,
You treat me like dirt on your shoe.
But no-sirree-Bob,
I’m the one who’s the snob,
For I know I’m far better than you.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Patrice Stewart, Randolph Wagner, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (278)
Saturday, April 29th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BOB KILLIAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
POST NO BILLS was the sign I found queer;
I was mailing no beaks, that was clear.
Said the cop, “Understand,
It’s your gluepot that’s banned,
This here ad’s what you cannot add here.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Temptation-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“The casino,” she said, “will be fun;
I could just play one round and be done…”
And she won — thirty grand! —
But lost all, the next hand.
That’s temptation. You can’t stop at “won.”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
On a tour of St. Peter’s in Rome,
Van Gogh told the guide in the Dome:
“Roman friend, I can’t hear;
Could you lend me your ear?
I seem to have left mine at home.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Ryan Tilley, Jesse Frankovich, Richard Campbell, Byron Ives, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HEAR/HERE/ADHERE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEMPTATION LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy:
With a wink and a smile, he said “Dear,
Don’t be nervous, come on over here.”
He was one of those guys
Gals avoid if they’re wise,
’Cause that sweet smile was really a leer.
Judith H. Block:
There once was a guy without peer,
Who drove his gal wild, so I hear.
With his tongue, very skilled,
All her needs were fulfilled.
And I don’t mean he tickled her ear.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAR/HERE/ADHERE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
“What’s a lim’rick?” I asked, not quite clear
On the form or its rules. ’Twould appear
It’s a verse of five lines
Wrought by dark, twisted minds —
Which I’ve gathered by hanging out here.
David Reddekopp:
A healer I saw on TV
Could heal by a simple decree.
He’s a man without peer,
He would make the blind hear,
And would also cause deaf men to see.
Dave Johnson’s “FOX News internal memo”
You ladies have nothing to fear;
O’Reilly is no longer here.
Now Roger and Bill
Have been fired, but still –
Looking sexy will help your career.
Will T. Laughlin:
He stared at the sign. YOU ARE HERE,
Said the map.
Then he started in fear,
As the words by the dot
Changed to: NO, YOU ARE NOT.
Not a soul saw the man disappear.
Brian Allgar:
This cling film* is useless, I fear.
It will stick to itself, that is clear;
To my fingers it’s glued,
But to plates full of food
The stuff simply will not adhere.
*British term for plastic wrap
Ryan Tilley:
My Alexa is finally here.
She can answer my questions with cheer,
And her limericks bite
With a meter that’s tight,
But I use her to order a beer!
Jesse Frankovich:
Richard’s doctor, quite shocked, said, “Oh, dear!
There’s a burrowing rodent in here!
And to make matters worse,
It won’t move in reverse.
Seems the gerbil is stuck in this Gere.”
Tim James:
Being president’s hard, it’s now clear,
And Trump yearns for his former career.
Our Dear Leader’s a mope.
But at least there’s some hope:
After one hundred days … we’re still here.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEMPTATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
“Eat this apple,” encouraged the Snake;
“It’s a boring Commandment to break,
But believe me, my dears —
In a few thousand years,
You’ll be sinning with chocolate cake!”
Tim James:
St. Augustine started to pray
When he saw a fine babe on display.
“Fornication’s a sin;
But that bod, for the win!
Make me chaste, Lord — just, please, not today.”
Richard Campbell:
Her assets were clearly defined,
And to miss them I’d have to be blind.
“Could I tempt you, my pet?
A night NOT to forget?”
The Mace was a clue she’d declined.
Will T. Laughlin:
I want to — but really, I shouldn’t.
I oughtn’t. Believe me, I wouldn’t.
I mustn’t. I can’t;
No, I certainly shan’t…
(I just did it). How could I? I couldn’t.
Byron Ives:
She flashed ample cleavage to Keith,
And he longed for what beckoned beneath.
Then a look from his wife
Convinced him that life
Would remain much more pleasant with teeth.
David Reddekopp:
There once was a quiet young birder,
Who snapped and she shot and they heard her;
From her head to her toes
Came the pecking of crows.
She should not have, uh, tempted a murder.
Dave Johnson
A rancher’s hot daughter from Brewster
Was swayed when a cowboy seduced her.
They rolled in the hay,
Then he went on his way;
The only cock left was a rooster.
Suzanne Heymann:
Please don’t leadeth me into temptation.
I can findeth it, don’t need salvation.
I’ve been given false hope
From the priest to the pope
For as long as they grope God’s creation.
So I think I can cope with “damnation”
Just for living a life of elation.
Since the days of my youth
I have searched, found the truth
With the fire of a sleuth’s dedication.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Killian, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Jesse Frankovich, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Richard Campbell, Ryan Tilley, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 15th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a ERROL NIMBLY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
At noon, if you see us drift by,
In my hot air balloon on the fly,
I’ll be serving a luncheon.
It’s quiche we’ll be munchin’.
We’re eating a pie in the sky.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Clumsiness-Themed Limerick Award for this PAIR of funny limericks. Please note that this is a 2-in-1 limerick. One limerick is centered and in bold, and the other is in italics, half to the left and half to the right of his bold-faced limerick.
You idiot! WatchI’m a klutz. But I’m truly contrite, where you’re going!
I believe an apoSo I’ll hide on this Limerick site.logy’s owing,
You oaf. You’ve Since the writers are agile, reversed
Into where I verAnd nothing here’s fragilesed first…
Now this limeriI can’t damage anything — right?ck’s wrecked, and needs towing.
Congratulations to JESSE FRANKOVICH, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this “acrostic” limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Kicked a table and let out a yell;
Lost my balance and awkwardly fell.
Unaware it was there,
Thumped my head on a chair.
Zapped myself with a taser, as well!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Suzanne Heymann, Kathleen Bartoletti, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Jeanine Silverio, Jesse Frankovich, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Sharon Neeman, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “Buy/Bye/By/Bi” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CLUMSINESS LIMERICKS)
Suzanne Heymann:
If you think you are smooth when you bellow,
Just remember, you really are yellow.
You’re a scared, clumsy guy.
You think ‘tough’ gets you by.
You’re a bull-in-a-china-shop fellow!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Buy/Bye/By/Bi” RHYME DIVISION)
Kathleen Bartoletti:
He said crossly, “My throat’s going dry,
Come on, Kathy, it’s your turn to buy;”
But while quaffing his Bud
He fell down in the mud,
So I toasted, “Here’s mud in your eye!”
Brian Allgar:
They sneered when I said I would buy
A fat pig, and then teach it to fly.
“Are you crazy?” they laughed,
“Pigs with wings? Are you daft?”
I pointed to Trump, flying high.
Marty Gerendasy:
There was a young lady named Vi
Who was proudly and openly bi.
So she wasn’t upset
When the man that she met
Confessed that he wasn’t a guy.
Jeanine Silverio:
She said with a sad heartfelt sigh:
“I just have to ask ‘Are you bi?’”
I took in those lips
And incredible hips
And I told her, “You’ve just turned me ‘try.’”
Jesse Frankovich:
When the love of my life said goodbye,
For a while I did little but cry.
Then I longed for a do
With a new style and hue—
I just wanted to curl up and dye.
Fred Bortz:
He’ll sleep with a gal or a guy,
And he’ll pay to escape when they try
His case in the court,
Saying “Judge, be a sport.
Let this guy who is bi buy a bye.”
Tim James, for his A Christian’s Lament:
I think that I’ll now say goodbye
To my boss, who’s a miserable guy.
All my colleagues at work
Said “Shove off!” to this jerk.
And the name of the dude? William Bligh.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLUMSINESS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
An airline showed clumsy PR.
And their customer service? Bizarre.
If you’re not in first class,
They just might kick your ass.
If you’re not into pain, go by car.
Konrad Schwoerke:
There once was a charmer named Ed
Who could get any babe into bed.
Was he accident-prone
With these chicks he would bone?
’Cause I heard he kept knocking ’em dead.
David Reddekopp:
There once was a man from Dubai
Who gave Kama Sutra a try.
With creative coitions
And parlous positions,
He managed to poke out an eye.
Sharon Neeman:
My very first date was a klutz!
He would fidget and fumble and futz,
And while walking and joking
Where people were smoking,
He’d always bump into their butts.
Will T. Laughlin:
He was awkward, and trembled with fear
As he tried to unhook her brassiere.
Soon her straps got so mangled
And twisted and tangled
They’d baffle a trained engineer.
He wrestled and pulled, but his fits
Just further entangled his mitts.
So she fought him, and struck him…
But though she’s unstuck him,
I fear he’s rotated her tits.
Byron Ives:
Of her dressmaking skills she had doubt.
“I sew like an oaf!” she would pout.
Her hubby said, “Chill,
It’s a cheap piece of twill,
And nothing worth hemming about.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Byron Miller, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Jeanine Silverio, Jesse Frankovich, Kathleen Bartoletti, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 4 Comments »
Saturday, March 18th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, which is both a “Bust” limerick and a Confusion-themed limerick. Brian calls it Donald’s Dilemma:
“It’s confusing when driven by lust,
And choosing just leaves me non-plussed.
Is it tits I should hold,
Or go straight for the gold?
My dilemma – Grab pussy, or bust.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Confusion-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
March 11th, when going to bed,
Do I set the clock back, or ahead?
It’s confusing as hell —
But I’ve solved it quite well:
Throw the clock out the window instead!
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for her limerick saga, which received the most Facebook “likes.” (Suzanne swears it’s a true story.)
When my sister (the eldest) was born,
From the birth my poor mother was worn.
Doctor spanked the babe’s bum,
Checked her health, and then some—
Got returned to her mum the same morn.
When she lifted the blanket to feed her,
The feelings of shock did stampede her;
A boy was inside!
My poor mum almost died,
As the nurses had tried to mislead her.
The confusion and screams that would follow
Were much more than the woman could swallow.
The real babe they did bring
To which Momma did cling,
Their apologies ringing quite hollow.
Well, my mum and the nurses conversed,
Then in laughter together immersed;
Any punishment draped
On the nurses escaped
’Cause that day – it was April the first!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Mike Moulton, Sue Dulley, Kathleen Bartoletti, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BUST-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CONFUSION-Themed LIMERICKS)
Fred Bortz:
Two teens, so confused by their lust,
Feel desire where once was disgust.
Their organs a-tingle,
They meld and they mingle.
(It started when she grew a bust.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BUST/BUSSED/ROBUST” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
The stripper believed it unjust
That her gin joint was raided. It must
Have been something to see:
She’s a 42-D,
And the cops thought it quite a good bust.
David Reddekopp:
His regime fills us all with disgust,
And when we resist, as we must,
Then Trump’s all a-twitter;
He’s boorish and bitter.
That blowhard’s about to combust.
Sharon Neeman:
Oh I’m terribly piqued and upset!
We were shopping, and I asked Jeannette,
“Does this flatter my bust?”
She replied with disgust,
“Well… flatter, it just couldn’t get.”
Ken Gosse:
Such a robust bust had to be bussed.
Long before she arrived it was thrust
Like the bow of a ship
On a very long trip;
With Leviathan ribs it was trussed.
Suzanne Heymann:
At a pool, where the D-cups are brimmin’,
The men cannot focus on swimmin’.
As they ogle each bust,
Something grows and they lust
Behind speedos, disgusting the women.
Brian Allgar:
The hooker was very robust,
And would bonk them with thrust after thrust.
Then, with knot-maker’s science,
She’d tie up her clients
And rob them. Her street-name? “Miss Trussed.”
Mike Moulton:
Said Pence, “The assertion’s a bust
That a wall on the border’s a must.
Any wall that we phase-in
Will keep all the gays in,
Which is something we haven’t discussed.”
Sue Dulley:
In my mother’s youth, life was unjust.
Three measurements, hips, waist and bust
Were called Vital Statistics;
These characteristics
Could generate lust or disgust.
Kathleen Bartoletti:
“He cried, “I must fondle your bust!”
She replied, “if you must, then you must.”
As he reached out, expectant,
She sprayed disinfectant.
He fled, both in pain and disgust.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONFUSION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
His fans have a weird sense of mirth;
They cheer as he slashes their worth.
Confusing? Try this:
If ign’rance is bliss,
They’re the happiest people on earth.
Tim James, for his “Wire Tapp Crapp”
There was never much doubt. Now we’re sure
Kellyanne and Sean’s motives are pure.
Their prime occupation:
Complete obfuscation.
It’s years since I’ve seen such manure.
Dave Johnson:
Having met in a line at the store,
They went up to her place for some more.
The night was sublime
Till that moment in time
When he asked, “Have I been here before?”
Diane Groothuis:
An Irishman people called Mick
Was really incredibly thick,
And confused most of all
By three spades ’gainst a wall,
When they told him to go take his pick.
Byron Ives:
If you vow you won’t cuss, did you swear?
Two Bartletts, are they not a pair?
If your pants become torn
Is it ’cause they’re well worn?
If the bus costs you more is it fare?
Is an athlete from France called a jacques?
Is a fly without wings called a walk?
If, with no arms, you’re born,
Would you still enjoy porn?
Is a tube filled with gooey stuff, caulk?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Diane Groothuis, Fred Bortz, Kathleen Bartoletti, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mike Moulton, Sharon Neeman, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (273)
Sunday, February 19th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Will T. Laughlin:
There’s a fellow I met in the street
Whose phrasebook’s a tad incomplete.
When he comes up to greet you
And say, “Pleased to meet you…”
It comes out: “I pleasure your meat!”
I tried to correct the man — twice —
But he just wouldn’t heed my advice.
“PLEASED. TO. MEET. YOU.” I said;
He just nodded his head,
And continued: “Your meat, it is nice!”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Battle of the Sexes-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
They met at the Amazon store;
Excited, she opted for more.
But later that night
As she reached for the light,
Alexa yelled “Show him the door!”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
His guests felt the welcoming heat
Of the barbecue. “What will we eat?
“Kebabs!” Vlad would jest
While impaling each guest,
For they were supplying the meat.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Reddekopp, Richard Campbell, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Michael Moulton, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Suzanne Heymann, and Sharon Neeman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: MEAT/MEET/METE RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BATTLE of the SEXES LIMERICKS)
David Reddekopp:
A father was trying to cheat,
So his wife had some justice to mete.
The next day, the news read,
“Deadbeat Dad is Beat Dead.”
For her crime, an electrified seat.
Richard Campbell:
On 2/10, if we happen to meet,
And I find you both sexy and sweet,
I’ll not call right away,
So I don’t have to pay
For a big-ticket Valentine’s treat.
Dave Johnson:
A butcher named Bud thinks he’s neat;
That women just fall at his feet.
But he found out from Jill
That without his blue pill,
There’s no market for Bud’s boneless meat.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MEAT/MEET/METE RHYME DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
At a long-distance runners retreat,
They discussed how to win every meet.
Finish first (Boy, oh Boy!)–
That’s victorious joy.
If you’re last, there’s the pain of de-feet.
Mike Moulton:
Did Trump and his match finally meet
When a judge without missing a beat,
Said, “Your ban is now void.
If that leaves you annoyed,
Then knock yourself out with a tweet.”
Brian Allgar, in which Titus Andronicus invites the Empress Tamora to dinner:
“Can’t resist, though my diet forbids,”
Said Tamora, “those puff-pastry lids,
And your pies are so sweet,
With such fresh, tender meat . . .”
He explained they contained her own kids.
Marty Gerendasy:
A lass with a smile oh so sweet
Sold her “wares” to each guy that she’d meet.
But her efforts soon failed
And she found herself jailed.
Never mess with a cop on the beat!
Suzanne Heymann:
The grocery chain called to greet
The new meat vendor, just down the street.
Now the payment’s complete
Per the butcher’s receipt,
So he’ll mete out the meat when they meet.
Fred Bortz:
The President said in a tweet
“When Vladimir comes for a meet,
Flynn and I will be gushin’.
We love all things Russian
Like borscht, whether cabbage or beet.”
That story’s, of course, incomplete.
Flynn’s now gone from his comfortable seat,
And Spicer, that worm,
Has to spin it and squirm
While the press holds his feet to the heat.
I wish I could say this is sweet,
But revenge is not always a treat.
There’s no joy, I confess,
When our country’s a mess.
We’re living the pain of defeat.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BATTLE of the SEXES LIMERICK DIVISION)
Richard Campbell:
On Twitter, he’d woo and he’d ply ’er
With promises — things he would buy ’er.
But now that they’ve met,
She’s beset with regret.
It’s quite clear he’s a lecherous liar!
Dave Johnson:
While texting an amorous friend,
She shouldn’t have quickly hit “send.”
Because autofill wrote
That he looked like a goat
Which, alas, may have started the end.
Sharon Neeman:
She may well have invented the spark
That woke the world out of the dark,
But although she’s gone far,
Men still look at her car
And assume she can’t parallel park.
Dave Johnson:
A couple quite often would fight
In the morning, or later at night.
With no cuddles or pecks,
The one mention of sex:
“Screw you” as she turned out the light.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Mike Moulton, Richard Campbell, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Sunday, January 22nd, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JESSE LEVY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A broom and his buddy, a mop
Decided that all crime should stop.
The broom did quite well;
Swept out felons pell mell.
But the mop was a flop as a cop.
Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins the Special BLUES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My whole life, fate has thrown me the screws.
All that helps now is drugs, broads, and booze.
Don’t get up before noon;
Drift saloon to saloon.
I sure got me them old 12-bar blues.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Reddekopp, Suzanne Heymann, Craig Dykstra, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, Sue Dulley, Tim James, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“COP” RHYME DIVISION)
David Reddekopp:
There once was a frisky old fop.
For a whore he decided to shop.
So this horny old heel
First tried copping a feel,
’Til he found he was feeling a cop.
Suzanne Heymann:
She thought a low neck line was hotter
If, when speeding, police finally caught her.
Sure enough, soon a cop
Made her zooming car stop,
But what made this a flop – she’s his daughter!
Craig Dykstra:
Wrote a verse that I think coulda won it,
But immediately after I’d run it,
Mad the “Limerick Cop”
Said my rhyme was a flop
Just ’cause someone had already done it!
Konrad Schwoerke:
While selling my lucrative crop,
A policeman enjoined me to stop.
“Sure, I know it’s legit,
But you soon won’t have shit,
And I must be off duty to cop.”
Dave Johnson:
If I were a history cop,
I’d hold up my hand and yell “Stop!”
We’re about to embark
On a horrible lark,
With a carnival huckster on top.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BLUES LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
A limerick’s not like the Blues.
No, a limerick’s not… I can’t use
The same words for line two
As line one. If I do,
It’s a ruse Mad won’t choose to excuse.
Suzanne Heymann:
If music’s a hobby you choose,
Stay on key and please lay off the booze!
But if you keep on flinging
Bad notes, I’ll be bringing
You pain till you’re singing the blues.
Tim James:
If you suffer sometimes from the blues
Don’t try drugs, promiscuity, booze.
Take a tip from my wife:
For those low points in life,
Nothing helps like a new pair of shoes.
Brian Allgar:
The Republicans used to be blue
And the Democrats red. So what’s new?
With the Democrats dead
And Republicans red,
We are all feeling blue through and through.
Tim James, for his Acrostic Limerick:
On Election Day, many were blue.
But take comfort, for this is what’s true:
Although Donald’s an ass,
Mr. O’s act is class
And he’s shown what a good man can do.
Konrad Schwoerke:
The work is depressing at zoos,
So I often go home with the blues.
And it’s getting more bleak,
For example, last week,
We received really terrible gnus.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Jesse Levy, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Richard Campbell, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 3 Comments »
Sunday, January 8th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“The hypotenuse,” he would opine,
“Should connect to each right-angled line.”
My geometry prof
Would proceed to go off
On a tangent of cosine and sine.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Resolution-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I’d resolved not to vote for a chump;
Now we’re cursed with one Donald J. Trump.
So I need a new pledge;
If I’m close to a ledge,
Resist the temptation to jump.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, David Reddekopp, Sue Dulley, Diane Groothuis, Suzanne Heymann, Marty Gerendasy, and Wendy Playter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIGN” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Is it love that is making her whine?
Can her soft, pleading gaze be a sign
Of unfailing devotion?
No, I have a notion
My dog is impatient to dine.
Craig Dykstra:
I really don’t mean to malign,
But our logo’s a crappy design.
Legibility’s wanting
From poor choice of fonting –
I fear it’s the Times of our Sign.
David Reddekopp:
A pious man drove by a field,
Looked up and to God he appealed;
He beseeched the divine
To send him a sign,
And he saw one. It told him to yield.
Sue Dulley:
Some quilts I design I will sign
On the back, but the choice there is mine.
I will not write my name
So I don’t get the blame
If the quilt turns out lame (like this line.)
Diane Groothuis:
An architect went out to dine,
In hopes that his client would sign.
But his plan was rejected
In mode unexpected;
“Your erection just can’t equal mine.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RESOLUTIONS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
“Resolutions – be more like your brother!”
Blurts my bossy, but well-meaning mother.
She can scream, she can shout,
But it does, without doubt,
Go in one year and then out the other.
Marty Gerendasy:
Resolutions, both written and spoken
All too often turn out to be token.
Though our thoughts are sincere,
All our plans disappear.
Resolutions were meant to be broken!
Wendy Playter:
When last year had started anew,
I listed what I’d like to do:
Make twice as much cash,
And lose my fat stash.
But sadly, I mixed up the two.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Diane Groothuis, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Wendy Playter, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (268)
Saturday, December 24th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
It’s clear that I haven’t a clue
How to clean out a chimney. It’s true;
When I tried, it instead
Just collapsed on my head.
Now I’m laid up in bed from the flue.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special PARTY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A beekeeper friend of mine, Marty,
Remarked with a laugh that was hearty:
“When a new hive is done,
Bees and I have some fun.
I throw them a house swarming party.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Ken Gosse, Mike Burch, Judith H. Block, David Reddekopp, Richard Campbell, Wendy Playter, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FLU” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARTY LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar
They were partying; he was so high,
LSD made him think he could fly.
Well, it’s true that he flew
For a second or two,
Till the moment he ran out of sky.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FLU” RHYME DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
’Tis the season for saying, “Achoo!”
What to do for a cold or a flu?
Drink some honey and lemon
And rest till it’s stemmin’
The coughin’ and phlegmin’ in you.
Tim James:
It was Christmas Eve. Santa was due,
Bearing goodies and gifts, a whole slew.
All my hopes, though, were dashed:
In the chimney he crashed.
I’d forgotten to open the flue.
Ken Gosse:
An old woman who lived in a shoe
Lost her health when they all caught the flu,
Found a book in her cupboard
By ol’ L Ron Hubbard,
And soon lost her life savings too.
Brian Allgar:
The hooker appeared ill at ease;
Her client had started to sneeze.
He was catching the flu!
Far too risky to screw,
So she stayed at arm’s length on her knees.
Mike Burch:
A fly with the flu foully flew
Up my nose — thought I’d die — had to sue!
Now I’m out of my mind
Cuz the trial judge declined
My lawsuit; I’d “failed to achoo.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARTY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Judith H. Block:
The parties! The booze and the food!
The laughter; The fun, festive mood!
More platefuls? Why, YES!
Though it’s all in excess.
Can’t refuse them ’cause that would be rude!
Tim James:
We met at a New Year’s soirée,
Drinking wine till we got enivré.
Such a sweet mademoiselle,
And a fille oh so belle!
And the way she could French made my day.
David Reddekopp
We thought that the party was super
And we drank ourselves into a stupor.
Then in came the dog
To drop a large log;
That bitch was a big party pooper.
Richard Campbell:
It’s a party, a bash, and a binge;
An affair and a fête — but I cringe.
And my ire will ignite,
If Trump dares to invite
All his friends from the lunatic fringe.
Wendy Playter:
A party is not where it’s at
When you’re wearing an introvert’s hat.
So when it gets loud,
I exit the crowd
And I sneak off to go pet the cat.
Dave Johnson:
Her mother said “Yes, you should go;
Perhaps you might meet a new beau.”
At the party, she sighs;
The available guys
Act like Larry and Curly and Moe.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Judith H. Block, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mike Burch, Richard Campbell, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, December 10th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I know you’ve been naughty, not nice,
By indulging your energy vice.
My traditional role
Is to leave you some coal,
But you’d burn it and there goes the ice.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHOPPING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
On Black Friday they heeded the call
To Go Buy! They jammed in, wall-to-wall.
Trampling, mayhem and fights
Are the ample delights
Of tradition: The Great Shopping Maul.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Jeanine Silverio, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Linda Ann Nickerson, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“ICE” RHYME DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
The new skating rink blueprints are nice,
But they carry a very high price.
Funding’s frozen and they
Say expect a delay,
So the architect’s put it on ice.
Robert Schechter:
An Eskimo asked, “What advice
Would you give me to help me entice
A woman in Gnome
To come into my home?”
I said, “You must first break the ice.”
Brian Allgar:
If your wife asks for helpful advice
About jeans she’s just purchased, think twice.
“Do they make me look fat?”
“Only slightly.” Then, splat!
Now I’m soothing my eye with some ice.
Suzanne Heymann:
I once had a head full of lice,
And a friend said, “Just freeze ’em with ice.
Simply stick your whole head
On the Knik River bed.”
Now I’m buried and dead. (Great advice!)
Jeanine Jamero Silverio:
For you couples all looking to spice
Up your love life, well here’s some advice:
Think your wife’s down to earth
And cares not for net worth?
She’ll get hot for two carats of ice.
Konrad Schwoerke:
My mail-order bride wasn’t nice.
Said my legerdemain was a vice,
And magicians are lame,
So I’m hardly to blame
For turning the bitch into ICE.
Tim James:
A plumber tried breaking the ice
With the lady next door. She was nice,
And she made her needs plain.
So he snaked out her drain.
She was thoroughly satisfied. Twice.
Wendy Playter:
A mob boss named Sugary Ned
Liked baked goods and one day he said,
“It would be very nice
If this cake got some ice!”
(And later the cake turned up dead.)
Robert Schechter:
When you die, if you pay a high price
They avow they will put you on ice
And thaw you someday
The moment that they
Are able, so you can live twice.
But don’t bother, my friend. I will bet you
There’s little this process will net you,
For even if they
Could cure you someday
It’s more likely by far they’d forget you.
Linda Ann Nickerson:
My neighbor’s demeanor’s like ice.
He gives answers unkind, imprecise.
He’ll stop, stand, and stare
With nary a care,
And he won’t take his own bad advice.
When pigs fly, he’ll pick up his trash,
And he may even burn up his stash.
The scents from his deck
Bounce like a bad check,
So daily our teeth we do gnash.
And still, as he passes, I wave,
But hope he’ll go back in his cave.
He won’t be ignored,
For he’s head of the Board,
So all of us have to behave.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOPPING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
The shop-lifting queen often gloats
Of the number of items she totes.
“I’m thin before thieving,
But fat when I’m leaving –-
Five sweaters, four skirts, and three coats.”
Dave Johnson:
They ordered a fancy new phone
Delivered by Amazon drone.
The service was fast,
But left them aghast;
Their chimney’s a dropping-off zone.
Suzanne Heymann:
Have you ever seen some woman shopping,
While her man tags along with store-hopping?
He’s there holding her bags,
While she tries on new rags.
On and on he just lags without stopping!
How about, at the end of the day,
She should let him just have his own way;
He will tell her, “I dare
You to put on and wear
Just your birthday suit there on display!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jeanine Silverio, Kirk Miller, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Ann Nickerson, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Sunday, November 27th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
My smartphone, though lightweight and small,
Has thousands of ‘apps’; got them all —
Facebook, Twitter, TV …
But it’s too smart for me,
For I’ve never worked out how to call.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ANXIETY-Themed Limerick Award for this clever limerick:
Anxiety hangs like a pall
Round the world, as it grips one and all.
Other nations ask why
We would vote for that guy.
(I hear Canada’s building a wall.)
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special THANKSGIVING-Themed Limerick Award for this clever limerick:
We’ve elected a hideous elf,
Who’s pushing us off of the shelf.
It’s suddenly clear
For Thanksgiving next year,
This turkey will pardon himself.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Diane Groothuis, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Wendy Playter, Tim James, Suzanne Heymann, Jeanine Silverio, Dave Johnson, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CALL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ANXIETY LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy:
High anxiety’s what I would call
The bad feeling I’m getting this fall.
’Cause the stakes are so high,
It’s for sure do or die;
We could find ourselves climbing the wall.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CALL” A-RHYME DIVISION)
Diane Groothuis:
Cinderella received a nice call
Inviting her out to a Ball,
But found it alarming
On seeing Prince Charming
In pants with no ball-room at all.
Sue Dulley:
Black bears sometimes pay me a call
In spring and in summer and fall.
So I wonder if they
Might be willing to pay
If this winter I build a great wall.
Brian Allgar:
The young hooker who answered his call
Said “Well, Donald, I’m willin’ to ball,
But you claim that your peter
Is more than a metre,
So why can’t I find it at all?”
Wendy Playter:
A muscular lass from St. Paul
Enlisted to answer the call.
She said, “Though this rifle
Is no little trifle,
My guns are the biggest of all!”
Tim James:
When she cries, men fall into her thrall;
It’s a powerful, strange siren call.
So why’s her heart breaking?
It isn’t. She’s faking.
It’s all just a masquerade bawl.
HONORABLE MENTION (“CALL” B-RHYME DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
Mother Nature, who knocks at my door
Knows the strength of my bladder is poor;
If I don’t rise at all
To go answer her call,
She will soil my pants to the core!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ANXIETY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James: (Be sure to read Tim’s asterisked comment right below his limerick.)
His anxiety led him astray,
And he bungled his very first lay.*
He pumped hard and too fast,
So he just couldn’t last
While conducting the choir that way.
* Tim James explains: “A lay is a ballad or narrative poem set to music. What did you think I meant?”
Jeanine Silverio:
I’m so shy and with women I worry,
I can’t speak and my sight becomes blurry.
But I met a coquette.
(She is just like a pet!)
We can bark, howl and mate. (She’s a Furry!)
HONORABLE MENTIONS (THANKSGIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
This Thanksgiving, we might sit and chat;
Or maybe we’ll go to the mat.
It’s something we dread;
If old Uncle Fred
Shows up with that God-awful hat.
Jeanine Jamero Silverio
On Thanksgiving, I vow to be grateful,
For my husband, our boys and this plateful.
I pray that they thrive,
Love and hope kept alive,
In a world that’s becoming more hateful.
Konrad Schwoerke:
At Thanksgiving, I’m cranberry boss.
I abominate canned berry dross.
Why is mine so damned dandy?
Fresh berries and brandy
Give new meaning to hitting the sauce.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, Jeanine Silverio, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 3 Comments »
Saturday, October 29th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
He poured her a very nice Cab,
But she didn’t drink any, or gab.
And the sex later flopped:
When he poked her, she popped.
It’s no fun when the gal is pre-fab.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special FRUIT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“Would you care for an apple?” she cooed.
He didn’t. But not to be rude,
He took a small bite.
God forgave him? Not quite.
Our merciful Lord came unglued.
God raged, and his anger was vicious.
He said what they did was pernicious!
But Adam told Eve,
“Well, I guess we must leave,
But boy was that apple delicious!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Steve Earp, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, Kirk Miller, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CAB” RHYME DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
Said the doctor to Barney McNabb,
“Your results have come back from the lab.
Your ataxia’s worse.”
Barney turned to the nurse:
“Did the doctor just call me a cab?”
Brian Allgar:
“I can’t go to the ball, I’m so drab!”
“Don’t worry, dear – Abracadab!”
With a soft, swishing sound
Cinderella was gowned,
And the pumpkin transformed to a cab.
Steve Earp:
Said a girl Trump attempted to grab,
“Get your hands off and call me a cab.”
On encircling her waist
With bravado misplaced,
He was floored by her brutal left jab.
Sue Dulley:
On too many a cold marble slab
In a med school anatomy lab
With a tag on its toes
Lies another of those
Who refused to go home in a cab.
Robert Schechter:
My mother says, “Don’t pick a scab.”
“If you’re drunk, do not drive. Call a cab.”
And she tells Donald Trump,
“When you see a nice rump,
Remember: just look, do not grab!”
Will T. Laughlin:
“I’m drunk,” muttered Rita to Mab,
“You should probably get me a cab.”
Mab, pouring more wine,
Said, “A Cab would be fine,
But this Chardonnay, honey, is fab!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FRUIT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
I’ll make money. How hard could it be
To grow fruit upon many a tree?
So an orchard I bought,
But the profits were naught.
’Twas a fruitless endeavor for me.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
My body is shaped like a pear.
At other girls’ chests guys would stare.
But I watched their boobs drop,
While mine stayed on top.
Sometimes life does end up being fair.
Tim James:
Out in public the guy was a brute,
And his legions of fans followed suit.
Grabbing privates? That’s lewd.
Though I hate to waste food,
One response crossed my mind: throwing fruit.
Suzanne Heymann:
Cherimoya and Damson and Jambul
And the Salak may seem like a gamble.
There’s the Longan, the Nance–
Go ahead, take a chance.
But you’re wondering, why do I ramble?
The Satsuma will cleanse, not pollute,
And the Yuzu, which smells nice to boot.
All these, plus Rambutan
Don’t have any gluten,
For each of these words is a fruit!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Steve Earp, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (264)
Sunday, October 16th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to STEVE EARP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this timely limerick:
He says if you’re famous you’ll find
It’s easy to bump and to grind.
So you, Trump supporter,
Just think of your daughter,
And question with whom you’re aligned.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Autumn-Themed Limerick Award for this clever limerick:
If you’re wondering what you should call
The season when Eve “had a ball,”
It used to be Autumn
Until the Lord caught ’em;
Since then, it’s been known as the Fall.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Robert Schechter, Allan Eastman, Fred Bortz, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIND” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
She’s known to be wholesome and kind,
And possesses a wondrous behind.
While she doesn’t hold grudges,
To dancing club judges
She does have a big ass to grind.
Kirk Miller:
Christmas shopping can be quite a grind.
The best presents? I think you will find
If you want a big lift,
Meditation’s the gift
That’s the best. You get presence of mind.
Tim James:
No woman would give him a grind,
So his sex life was all in his mind.
He knew well his own touch,
Although maybe too much:
He’s grown hair on his palms and gone blind.
Wendy Playter:
The cornmeal I ruthlessly grind
Make tacos that taste more refined.
But although higher-class,
There’s just as much gas,
And music soon follows behind.
Robert Schechter:
As a Starbucks barista I find
It’s helpful to clear out my mind
With occasional breaks,
But that’s all that it takes
To ease me back into the grind.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (AUTUMN LIMERICK DIVISION)
Allan Eastman:
A nudist group once had the gall
To protest the oncoming Fall.
“We WON’T Wear No Pants!”
They swore in their chants.
(Bet they wished they’d at least brought a shawl.)
Robert Schechter:
When autumn arrives, trees turn bare
And I’m filled with my yearly despair
That winter will come
And put frost on my bum,
And I can’t stand a cold derriere!
Fred Bortz, who celebrates the Autumn holiday known as Election Day:
From Tuesday the eighth of November
We’ll celebrate on through December
That women saw through
What that grabber would do,
And their votes soon deflated his member.
Dave Johnson:
The colorful look of the trees;
A slight little chill in the breeze.
Yes, Autumn’s sublime,
In advance of the time
When ice brings us all to our knees.
Tim James:
In late autumn, I never forego
A Thanksgiving Day feast. This year, though,
I’ll give thanks, say “Amen”
Two full weeks before then
When I see Donald Trump gobbling crow.
Suzanne Heymann:
It’s autumn, the midst of October,
When the wind blows each tree to disrobe her.
The summer did end,
And the cold’s ’round the bend,
So I don’t recommend being sober.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allan Eastman, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Steve Earp, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, October 1st, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Their exertions in bed bent the frame,
Then her charley horse threatened their game.
But she shrugged the pain off
And they finished their boff.
She was lame but she came just the same.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Exercise-Themed Limerick Award, as well as the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award, for this funny limerick:
Take exercise? Nah, it’s too risky;
Even sex is alarmingly frisky.
But my right hand is fit
As a fiddle, for it
Is the one that I raise to drink whisky.
Congratulations to Dave Johnson and Suzanne Heymann, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Dave Johnson:
One painting that hangs in a frame,
No kidding – it strikes me as lame.
I don’t understand
What makes it so grand;
That farmer and plain-looking dame.
Suzanne Heymann:
The one with the pitchfork in hand?
And expressionless faces so bland?
That’s my granny and gramps.
They were national champs
As the grumpiest folks in the land.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Wendy Playter, Jesse Levy, William Kendall, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Kirk Miller, Tim James, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FRAME” RHYME DIVISION)
Wendy Playter:
I gazed at the muscleman’s frame
And the toilet from whence he just came.
The seat of the loo
Made me ponder anew:
What good is great strength without aim?
Jesse Levy:
My wife said, “Hey, let’s bowl a frame.”
But I answered, “It’s just not your game.”
“The last time,” I mutter,
“All went in the gutter.”
And now I am sleeping in same.
William Kendall:
To parse the political game
And assign the appropriate blame
It’s important to look
Inside of the book;
At the picture instead of the frame.
Brian Allgar:
The explorer was after big game.
He had sighted a lion, took aim,
Then he happily shot it.
Success! He had got it
Right there in the camera frame.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (EXERCISE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Marty Gerendasy:
Many folks like to go for a run,
But to me, that’s just not any fun.
’Cause to over-exert
Only makes my bod hurt,
So I’d rather go lie in the sun.
Kirk Miller:
If you’re fat, then the facts must be faced:
To poor health extra weight has been traced.
Get in shape. Kindly try it,
’Cause exercise, diet
Are ways to fight hazardous waist.
Tim James:
What’s the source of my lim’ricks? Not drink;
I just run till I’m gasping and pink.
When these verses I brew,
My brain’s starved of O2.
It explains quite a lot, don’t you think?
Dave Johnson:
He was trying to work up a sweat
And impress the hot girl he’d just met.
In spin class they spun;
But when over and done,
He was left high and dry – sopping wet.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jesse Levy, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Wendy Playter, William Kendall, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Sunday, September 4th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A loud unmistakable quack
Could be heard from inside of the sack.
Well, there’s my potluck;
Just a small Peking duck
Through the opening, looking right back.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special HEAT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
When it’s hot, he removes all his clothes,
Which is not so bizarre I suppose.
Then he’ll oil his bod,
Which is still not too odd,
But he does the same thing when it snows.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Charley Simmons, Will T. Laughlin, Dave Johnson, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Lien Bazardien, and Marty Gerendasy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SACK” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“He was trapped in a tight cul-de-sac
With the Mafia hot on his back.
With one bound, he was free …”
I am sure you’ll agree
That the author’s a second-rate hack.
Charley Simmons:
When the drunk got a gal in the sack,
He laughed and said “Babe you’ve no rack.
There’s no hair on your cookie,
But give me some nookie.”
She answered him: “GET OFF MY BACK!”
Will T. Laughlin:
A Dudelsackpfeifer* (a hack)
Played for years without getting the knack.
One morning his wife
Got her hands on a knife
And cut off both his Dudel and Sack.
*Dudelsackpfeifer = bagpipe player
Dave Johnson:
A ranch-owning gal from Omak*
Spends most afternoons on her back.
Young cowboys her steed,
To her spread they stampede
For the ride of their lives in the sack.
*The Omak Stampede is a famous rodeo held in Washington state.
Konrad Schwoerke:
We all wanted to shag this guy Zack,
So we four took him back to our shack.
I felt somewhat forsaken;
His good parts were taken.
I was left, sadly, holding the sack.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (HEAT-LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Young Nellie, a beauteous belle,
Was more lovely than any could tell.
She was fine, without doubt,
But the word soon got out
That her sister was hotter than Nell.
David Reddekopp:
The couple upstairs, always sweating
Is making a mess of their bedding.
But our bedding is neat;
We don’t generate heat,
And it really is rather upsetting.
Will T. Laughlin:
I’d a lim’rick, believe it or not,
With a double-entendre on “hot.”
But the heat of the day
Burned my wits all away,
And — whatever it was — I forgot.
Lien Bazardien:
A nudist called Bella Corelli
Had multiple rolls on her belly.
Her very best treat
In the Summer’s great heat
Was posing for Sir Botticelli.
Marty Gerendasy:
When the temps hit a hundred degrees,
And you long for a nice cooling breeze,
You can feel that it seems
There are just two extremes;
It’s like either you swelter or freeze!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Charley Simmons, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Konrad Schwoerke, Lien Bazardien, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, August 6th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Mrs. Frankenstein, lissome and lean,
Had as perfect a bod as I’ve seen.
Husband Vic, from the start,
Took her hand, stole her heart,
And her liver, both lungs, and her spleen.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BOREDOM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
To stave off his feelings of boredom,
He thought he would sample some whoredom.
The call-girls looked nice,
But on learning their price,
He found that he couldn’t afford ’em.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) J Cosmo Newbery, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Dave Johnson, Val Fish, Suzanne Heymann, Kathleen Bartoletti, David Reddekopp, Grzegorz Gigol,
Ian Graham, Fred Bortz, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEAN/LIEN” RHYME DIVISION)
J Cosmo Newbery:
A man who’d developed a lean,
Put the blame on some lousy cuisine.
But his breakfast was fine,
And his dinner, benign—
It was all of the drinks in between.
Brian Allgar:
I showed her my new trampoline.
“Shall we give it a spin?” She was keen,
But I’m hereby renouncing
A blowjob while bouncing –
The reason, I’m sure you can glean.
Marty Gerendasy:
A young poet whose name was Marlene,
Said “I don’t like a verse that’s obscene.
But if I just suggest,
You can fill in the rest,
And then you can decide what I mean!”
Dave Johnson:
The actors are healthy and lean
In ev’ry McDonald’s ad scene.
Big profits they’d blow
If they were to show
Real fans of their fast-food cuisine.
Val Fish:
The wife, she’s as thin as a bean.
Her sister, not nearly so lean.
For a nice piece of rump,
It’s ‘big sis’ that I’d hump.
Such a shame that she’s only fifteen.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOREDOM-LIMERICK DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
“Oh Mummy, school’s out, what a bore!”
“I’ll fix THAT! Now you each get a chore:
Dust and vacuum, do dishes,
Clean rooms, feed the fishes!”
They never complain anymore.
Kathleen Bartoletti:
A fisherman caught a big trout,
Which he wouldn’t stop talking about;
So year after year
He bored ev’ryone near
Till, in tears, his wife fin’ly moved out.
David Reddekopp for his Acrostic Limerick:
I’m lazy; it’s rather overt.
No energy will I exert.
Essentially, null.
Relaxed, but it’s dull
To sit here, in essence, inert.
Brian Allgar:
The girl was convinced she had scored
With a hunk, but her needs were ignored.
Though he stayed the whole night,
There was no sex in sight;
She didn’t get drilled, only bored.
Grzegorz Gigol:
U.S. people ooze love by the fother,
And say ev’ryone there is their brother.
But when bored, they resort
To their national sport,
Which is going and suing each other.
Ian Graham:
I once struck a most happy medium
At a séance both dull and quite seedy. Um,
Just after my slap he
Was rather less happy,
But it did help to lessen the tedium.
Fred Bortz:
Jack yawns. “I think soccer is boring.
I prefer to watch games with more scoring.”
Still Jill feels a thrill
When the tally’s nil-nil,
While beside her, her boyfriend is snoring.
Tim James:
A farmer who’d gotten quite bored
With his job struck the following chord:
“I raise squash every year.
It’s increasingly clear
I’m about to go out of my gourd!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Grzegorz Gigol, Ian Graham, J Cosmo Newbery, Kathleen Bartoletti, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Val Fish, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award Winner (258)
Saturday, July 23rd, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny, musical limerick:
Five fishermen lived hereabout,
But their talents were somewhat in doubt.
Though five lines they would spin,
Just one fish was reeled in.
This quintet became known as “The Trout.”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Allergy-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
She was to be one of the “perks”
At the office where Roger Ailes works.
But started to sneeze
As he fondled her knees;
Turns out, she’s allergic to jerks.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Will T. Laughlin, Kathleen Bartoletti, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, Judith H. Block, Brian Allgar, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOUT/ABOUT” RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
Some things are exact, not “about.”
They are what they are, without doubt.
A worm’s not a snake,
A cookie’s no cake,
And a salmon’s not “almost” a trout.
Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:
It appears that the captain is out
Of the closet without any doubt.
From up high in the rigging
I spotted him frigging
The cabin boy, coming about.
Will T. Laughlin, for his “AND IN THIS CORNER, KID IONESCO!”
In the very first round of the bout,
The Kid knocked the champion out.
But they stopped him, they did,
When they noticed the Kid
Had four legs, and a horn on his snout.
Kathleen Bartoletti:
A turtledove flying about
Was afraid that his luck had run out
When he noticed one day
A hawk headed his way;
He was quickly relieved of all doubt.
Robert Schechter:
You don’t know what you’re talking about?
No problem. Just act like a lout.
Refuting your betters,
Use CAPITAL LETTERS,
THE FACEBOOK-APPROVED WAY TO SHOUT!
Ken Gosse:
His dyslexia sometimes came out
When the Drill Sergeant started to shout,
But he knew how to cope:
He could walk that tightrope,
Though they grinned when he yelled, “Face About!”
Suzanne Heymann:
If you don’t know what life’s all about
Don’t worry, relax, just chill out.
Live life fully and know
When it’s your turn to go
You’ll no longer be living in doubt.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ALLERGY-LIMERICK DIVISION)
Judith H. Block:
I’m allergic to most politicians
With their multiple bullshit positions.
And although I’m not sneezing,
I’m certainly wheezing;
I’m sick of their toxic emissions.
Brian Allgar:
As they loaded the Ark’s floating zoo,
It appeared they were missing a few.
“Those unicorns? Banned ’em,”
Said Noah. “Can’t stand ’em.
I’m allergic to dinosaurs, too.”
Diane Groothuis:
Now mustard’s my bête noire, by God.
My reaction is terribly odd.
With rashes and hives,
My blood pressure dives,
And I give old St Peter the nod.
Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:
There’s a trick-turning floozy, long fallen,
Who’s bothered, in springtime, by pollen.
Along with her sneezes,
Come vaginal squeezes–
“God bless you!” her clients keep callin’.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, Judith H. Block, Kathleen Bartoletti, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
