Posts Tagged ‘Steve Whitred’
Saturday, June 20th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his funny limerick, inspired by this news item: “NYC Health Dept. urges New Yorkers to consider wearing face masks during sex.”
Social distancing leads me to drink;
Into boredom and torpor I sink.
“Take advantage,” they say,
“Of the new games to play!”
A masked ball, though, just isn’t my kink.
Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Special PUNCTUATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Tell me: Why must there be so much drama
Regarding the use of a comma
Instead of a period?
Yee gads! The myriad
Rules give me scholarly trauma.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Wayne Feder Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Tony Holmes, Ken Gosse, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SINK/SYNC” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
How low can the President sink?
Is there nothing from which he will shrink?
All his statements are lies;
That includes (no surprise!)
Any sentence beginning “I think …”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My machines grow increasingly clever,
Well equipped for most any endeavor.
Some will talk, some just think —
Either way, they’re in sync,
And have no use for me whatsoever.
Tim James:
His boat is now deep in the drink.
How’d it happen? He started to link
The computer on board
With his cell phone. “Good lord!”
He cried out as he watched the boat sync.
Wayne Feder:
Four years will pass by in a wink,
Then Don will have more time to think.
My guess, five to ten,
In a six by eight pen,
With just a commode and a sink.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, on Synchronized Swimming:
I felt so dejected and blue
After reading “The Swimming Review.”
Seems one swimmer “in sync”
Sadly drowned from a drink,
So the other ones had to drown too.
Steve Whitred:
My fridge is beginning to stink
And potatoes grow under the sink.
The grass is as high
As a field full of rye,
But I’ll watch one more ‘Ozark’ I think.
Will T. Laughlin:
The name of the band was N’Sync.
I tried them, to see what I’d think,
But I soon had enough
Of such juvenile stuff…
They should call them N’Toilet. They stink.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PUNCTUATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Punctuation in Spanish is cool.
“Put the marks at the start” is the rule.
“Turn them upside-down” too.
¿Es verdad? Is that true?
¡Por supuesto! Of course! I’m no fool!
Tony Holmes:
You can make a good point with a dash;
Gives your writing that something – panache!
But beware of abuse –
Be judicious in use –
Thus avoiding dismissal as “Brash!”
Lisi Nortman:
The Kanes took a walk in the park.
Mad shrieked, “Wow! that dog sure can bark!”
Hubby said, “It’s a deer.
You are wrong. Can’t you hear?”
(Mad knows she should not question Mark.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Semicolons, I think, are intended
For a thought, if it’s split, to be mended.
But I must say “Amen!”
To the semi paren
(Which keeps discourse like this open-ended
Ken Gosse:
A persnickety writer once wrote
Punctuation should help to connote
And to clarify meaning,
Requiring preening
That’s used to enlighten, not smote.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
John painted a beautiful mural,
Depicting a scene that is rural.
It is called “Country View’s.”
But why’d this fool use
An apostrophe right in a plural?
Tim James:
The apostrophes often abused;
Lot’s of people dont know how its used.
They cant grasp, though they try,
All the rule’s that apply.
There are time’s even I get confused.
Fred Bortz:
I’m writing a note to Obama
Asking how to resist all the drama
That comes from Trump’s tweeting,
Protesting, and bleating.
I’ve begun “Dear Barack” and a comma.
Now I’m wondering, as I get rollin’,
Does “Barack” make it sound like I’m trollin’?
It’s clearly not normal
To be so informal.
I’ll start with “Dear Sir” and a colon.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Wayne Feder, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (446)
Saturday, June 6th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
As her dance reached its physical peak,
Her kid brother called out this critique:
“Swing your butt side to side
In an arc high and wide!”
Yes, the twerp thinks her twerk needs a tweak.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special RUDENESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
While tending a gardening chore,
A T-shirt is all that he wore.
His bent-over stance
Drew a passerby’s glance;
An asshole she tried to ignore.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Wayne Feder, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PEAK/PEEK/PIQUE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RUDENESS LIMERICKS)
Steve Whitred:
There’s a woman in Queens, have you guessed?
Puts our limerick skills to the test.
If at her you feel pique
Or the urge to critique,
Just remember she’s doing her best.
So don’t gripe, grumble, grouse, and don’t brood.
Don’t be churlish, self-centered, or rude.
I must say this because
We all love what she does
And don’t like when her good work is booed.
Sharon Neeman:
As the lockdown relaxes this week,
My gray hair’s sticking up in a peak,
All my frocks are too tight,
My complexion’s a fright,
And I haven’t a shred of mystique.
It’s all true, I admit it — but, dude,
Did you honestly buy me a snood?
And what’s THIS thing — a sack?
That’s no dress! Take it back…
No, you KNOW what? Go pack! You’re too rude!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PEAK/PEEK/PIQUE” RHYME DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
“Kiss my ass!” Peter shrieked in fake pique.
So obligingly, Mel, who is meek.
Felt compelled to submit
And to lick it a bit–
Unaware it was all “tongue in cheek.”
Steve Whitred:
Well, I once had a fling with a freak,
And her fetish was fairly unique;
She was awesome in bed,
But what filled me with dread
Was when Polly her parrot would peek.
Cuz, not only did Pollyanne peek,
But my paramour taught her to speak.
She’d say “Squack!” And “Oh blast
Don’t you want this to last?”
And, “I’m not touching that with my beak!”
Lisi Nortman:
On our drive, things were suddenly bleak.
I started to shake and felt weak,
Cuz we noticed a sign
That said, “Crafts By Design,”
Then heard, “Honey, let’s take a quick peek.”
Dave Johnson:
Pelosi unleashed a critique;
That Trump was just wimpy and weak.
On Twitter she found
That her message was sound;
She’d climbed to the top of his pique.
Tim James:
I’m a Luddite, a lazy old chap.
High-tech smart phones? I don’t give a rap.
But my int’rest would peak
If some talented geek
Wrote a program to download a nap.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Grab a Bible, a church, and a cop,
And a camouflage outfit — chop-chop!”
When they heard Kushner speak —
His excitement at peak —
They all knew that it meant Photo Op!
Will T. Laughlin:
From his bunker, King Trump risks a peek…
Then utters a terrified shriek:
“The election’s suspended!
Democracy’s ended!
I just saw a PROTESTOR! Eeek!!”
Brian Allgar:
Donald’s mood is far worse than mere pique;
He’s so angry, he barely can speak.
“I rely on Fox guys
To support all my lies,
But they said something TRUTHFUL this week!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RUDENESS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
My life is much better, I find,
If I’m courteous, thoughtful and kind.
You, who label me rude:
Shove your dumb attitude
Up your BIG STUPID STINKY BEHIND.
Brian Allgar:
I’d invited a girl home to “play,”
And it should have been my lucky day.
She was nude, she was rude,
But she never got screwed,
Since I had to stay six feet away.
Tim James:
“Open up!” screams the mob, right on cue,
And they really don’t care whom they screw.
They’re aggressive and rude
’Cause they want sit-down food
Plus a haircut, massage, and tattoo.
Wayne Feder:
When Trump’s at the journalists’ throats,
Or getting the med experts’ goats,
Is his rudeness the work
Of a maniacal jerk?
Or is Donald just sowing his oats?
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Said the Judge, “You’re an impudent floozy —
A churlish, impertinent doozy!”
“Do go on,” said the wench
While she stood at the bench.
“As compliments go, I ain’t choosy.”
Tony Holmes:
“Quite apart from the fact that you’re crude,
That your speech is with expletives strewed,
What has irked me the most
Is contempt for our host,
And cavorting around in the nude!”
Dave Johnson:
Alexa’s new skill will include
An effort to lighten the mood:
Proclaiming her stress
With the buttons you press;
“Don’t touch me there – you are so rude!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Off with their heads!” screamed the Queen.
Cried Alice, “That’s mean and obscene!”
“No, it’s not — it’s just rude,
’Cause I’m in a bad mood.
You should see what gets lopped when I’m mean.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Wayne Feder, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (445)
Saturday, May 9th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Moaned a mugger while reading a graph,
Showing street crime diminished by half:
“Now that all my marks hide
Under masks when outside,
If I say ‘Stick ’em up!’ they just laugh.”
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special CHALLENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
During Scrabble a challenge is heard,
But a penalty won’t be incurred;
The letter formation
Receives vindication,
’Cause the player’s as good as his word.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
The challenge was born on a dare;
That couple would screw in mid-air.
Their skydiving hump
After making the jump;
An aerial tryst then and there.
Connected, they dropped from the plane;
Then banging like they were insane.
Their downward descent
Was a naughty event,
Unfolding above the terrain.
The landing was soft in the end;
But maybe the start of a trend.
“Fantastic!” they said;
“Way more fun than in bed;
The next time, we’re bringing a friend.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Will T. Laughlin, Patrice Stewart, Steven Frakt, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, and Daisy Hyrkas. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHALLENGES LIMERICKS)
Tim James:
It’s a challenge to stand by the side
Of a guy whose cerebrum is fried.
Take a bow, Dr. Fauci;
Try not to be grouchy.
Don’t fret; it’s not you we deride.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME DIVISION)
Steve Whitred:
In Canada people are smart;
Public health measures taken to heart,
Like the rule that’s applied
When we’re working outside:
“Stay a caribou’s distance apart.”
Brian Allgar:
Donald Trump takes extravagant pride
In his intellect. “Can’t be denied,
I’m incredibly smart!
My IQ’s off the chart –
See, that’s me, on the far left-hand side.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My owner and I used to nuzzle,
But not any more, (what a puzzle!)
At first I just sighed,
Then I broke down and cried…
And also he’s stolen my muzzle.
Will T. Laughlin:
“War President!” Turgid with pride,
Trump trumpets the words far and wide.
But no leader before
In the time of a war
Chose to fight on the enemy’s side.
Patrice Stewart:
’Twas a challenge to turn on her side,
As the double bed wasn’t that wide.
But she lifted one thigh,
Rolled and caught him – first try,
And their passion would not be denied.
Steve Frakt:
The sad chicken just sat there and cried;
Couldn’t cross to the road’s other side.
Though this tale may evoke
The world’s oldest joke,
That highway was just too damn wide.
Tim James:
If there’s one thing I cannot abide
It’s to “shelter in place” (i.e., hide.)
I endure this bad dream
With a pint of ice cream
And an order of fries on the side.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Donald Trump with Mike Pence at his side
Gives new meaning to Jekyll and Hyde.
No, wait – that’s too kind,
So if you don’t mind,
Let’s go with Godzilla and Bride.
Steve Whitred:
On the PornHub she’s kinky and brave.
She has fetishes; master and slave,
Sixty-nine or astride,
On their knees or their side…
But that maskless taboo is her fave.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHALLENGES LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
I’m tensing my muscles with dread
As I think of the challenge ahead.
I push through the hurt,
All my strength to exert —
And… I’VE DONE IT! I got out of bed.
Sharon Neeman:
Although challenges surely abound,
I’m determined to win in this round —
Not just vanquish the tomb
Using masks, soap and Zoom,
But avoid even one extra pound.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“I am speaking to you on behalf
Of the President’s bumbling staff.
The challenge today
Is to hear what he’ll say,
And the winner’s the one who won’t laugh.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
It’s a challenge to follow this credo:
“When in public don’t flaunt your libido.”
But now that our tasks
Involve wearing masks,
We can flaunt all we want incognito!
Will T. Laughlin:
From watching Trump’s briefings, we’ve seen
The infection is deadly and mean.
Though the threat is severe,
We’ll defeat it — no fear!
(Then go on to fight COVID-19…)
Daisy Hyrkas:
The challenge is how to stay fit;
My muscle tone’s taken a hit.
I lay in my bed
And remain in my head.
In other words, I don’t do shit.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Patrice Stewart, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Frakt, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (444)
Saturday, April 25th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
After thinking about it, I choose
To accept that Corona’s no ruse.
Why is that? I’ll explain:
I’ve a functioning brain.
Right-wing refuse I firmly refuse.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special PLAN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The romantic encounter he’d planned
Turned out to be way less than grand.
As things went awry,
He was left with “Goodbye…”
Along with “Hello Mr. Hand.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Susan Settje, Wayne Feder, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim Gray. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FUSE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PLAN LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
“To ensure my election success,
There’s a thing that I plan to suppress –
Postal voting! I’d lose,
So I’m gonna refuse
Any bailout for USPS.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSE” RHYME DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
“I’m planning a dinner,” said she;
“How very delightful!” said we,
“But the rules in the news
Say we have to refuse…”
“No,” she shrugged, “it’s just ramen, for me.”
Steve Whitred:
What a mystery needs is some clues,
And what dynamite needs is a fuse.
Coming later this Fall,
For the sake of us all:
What the GOP needs is to lose.
Susan Settje:
Gone are days when the only fake news
Was in tabloids and meant to amuse;
When Cronkite and Rather
Didn’t simper or blather
Or tell lies that are meant to confuse.
Wayne Feder:
Some folks are just learning the news
That Trump has a very short fuse.
It shouldn’t surprise;
Just look at the size
Of his hands and his very small shoes.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Another acrostic? Admit:
When it comes to this task, you’re unfit.
For your own good, refuse,”
Uttered one honest Muse.
“Look, you’re bad at this, REALLY. Now quit.”
Jean McEwen:
Several months ago, Carnival Cruise
Had a deal that we couldn’t refuse.
But I fear the damn virus
Will, sadly, require us
To bail (and fend off those “ah-choos.”)
Steve Whitred:
Told the barkeep some humorous news,
And she listened; she couldn’t refuse.
But instead of applause
Giggles, grins, or guffaws,
All I got from the barmaid was booze.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PLAN LIMERICK DIVISION)
John Shardlow:
From a Potus who rates himself ‘great,’
This plan ought to carry some weight:
For Covid infection,
A Clorox injection.
Make sure that his jacket is ‘strait.’
Sharon Neeman:
On “Dancing with Stars” Jim had fans,
But an accident ruined his plans.
Hearing “Rrrrrrip!” in the final,
He found his tights (vinyl)
Were really his dance partner Ann’s.
Steve Whitred:
“For the people”, Ms. Harris began,
And Ms. Warren said “I have a plan.”
Amy Klobs made a plea,
But what scuttled all three
Was that none of these gals is a man.
Tim James:
He had planned on a cruise, the poor schlub.
Then the virus came. Ay, there’s the rub.
He is now quite bereft.
There’s but one option left:
That’s to play with toy boats in the tub.
Roger Haugen:
While thinking deep thoughts on the can,
He delivered himself of a plan:
He’d leave his old wife
To start a new life
And indulge in his yen for Japan.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Here is something to do when depressed:
Make nice plans, so you won’t feel distressed.
But remember, my friend,
I do recommend
That at some point, you need to get dressed.
Tim James, for his “A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.”
When my limerick effort began —
On this man, the canal, and his plan —
I emitted a curse
While constructing the verse:
That damn palindrome just wouldn’t scan.
Tim Gray:
If you think that you can’t, you are right.
Of this fact you must never lose sight.
The obvious plan
Is to think that you can,
And the chances increase that you might.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Susan Settje, Tim Gray, Tim James, Wayne Feder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, April 11th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Social distancing now is my thing.
I’ve a mask I secure with a string.
But until there’s a cure,
With my hands I’m unsure:
Should I sanitize, wash, or just wring?
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special FEAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Fearful rabbis declare we’ll be dead
If we celebrate Pesach with bread.
I say: “God has more sense
(Well, He must; He’s not Pence…);
Can He kill superstition instead?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Susan Settje, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Thomas Vincent, Tony Holmes, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Dale S. Biggs, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Steve Whitred, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RING/WRING” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FEAR LIMERICKS)
Susan Settje:
We know Stoker and Lovecraft and King.
We’ve seen Jackson and Poe do their thing.
Lock the door, dim the light,
And prepare for a fright,
For ev’ry last quiver they’ll wring.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Shouted Thal, “I’ve invented the ring!”
Said Neander, “Go hide that damn thing.
Chiseled rocks with round holes —
What if one of them rolls?
Thal, I fear what the future will bring!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RING/WRING” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
A boxer with insight to spare
Fought a bout, then was heard to declare:
“It’s a curious thing.
We all call this a ‘ring’ —
So why is it shaped like a square?”
David Reddekopp:
There once was a man from Quebec,
Who proposed to his girl on the deck.
What he brought, for the bling,
Was a cheap plastic ring,
So the girl started wringing his neck.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
The mini-bar’s stocked with libation;
The fluffed pillows suggest hibernation;
There’s a bell I can ring
Should I need anything.
Who will answer? Just me on staycation.
Thomas Vincent:
Said a wizened prize fighter named Bing,
“You can cover your body with bling.
But it won’t change a thing,
If you ain’t got no swing;
They’ll be carting you out of the ring.”
Tony Holmes:
My new girl is an old-fashioned thing
And as such, is averse to a fling.
She will kiss – and we pet,
But no nookie: “Not yet!
If you want me, just give me a ring.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A loud voice to the chorus he’ll bring,
But his notes have a flat, hollow ring:
“Dough dough dough!” – out they roll,
“Me me me!” — but where’s soul?
So I tune out when Trump starts to sing.
Tim James:
A soprano, a devious thing,
Was a part of a criminal ring.
She got busted, but knew
How to rat out her crew;
So when questioned, she started to sing.
Roger Haugen:
They conducted a passionate fling
That lasted through most of the Spring;
“I’m pregnant,” she cried,
He laughed and replied,
“I suppose you’re expecting a ring?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FEAR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“I’m pregnant! I’m frightened to tell
My old man – he’ll be angry as hell!”
“Just lie to the guy –
Say an angel stopped by,
And some Heavenly Spirit as well.”
Dale S. Biggs:
Said a priest to his flock, “Never fear…
For to God you are precious and dear.
Though a pain in the ass,
COVID-19 will pass–
With assistance from pizza and beer.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Now folks, let me say something brief
’Bout my honest and solid belief:
Let your fright disappear;
There is nothing to fear…
(Except the “Commander-In-Chief.”)
Brian Allgar:
Am I writing a foul villanelle? No!
A pantoum or a French kyrielle? No!
These forms simply suck;
Compared to such muck,
Do limericks frighten me? Hell, no!
Dave Johnson:
It has now become perfectly clear
That our nation has plenty to fear.
To fuel our demise,
Trump incessantly lies
While nitwit Repugnicans cheer.
David Reddekopp:
With a bellow that sounds insincere
Says the Prez: “Lo, the Donald is here!
With the brains that I bring
I will fix everything!”
Mr. Trump, that is what we all fear.
Steve Whitred:
In those horror films, girls are dispatched,
But I’ve never thought I would get snatched,
Cuz their endings get met
In a lingerie set,
Whereas none of my underwear’s matched.
Steve Benko:
Until now, I quite happily paid
When the need would arise to get laid.
With protection, the risk
Was just slipping a disc,
But mere breathing now makes me afraid.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dale S. Biggs, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Steve Whitred, Susan Settje, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, March 28th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Just the thought of my girlfriend’s name, Iris,
Freaks me out in this time of the virus.
I know it’s not fair,
But I’m filled with despair,
And of Iris, no longer desirous.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special SCAM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“We must cut Covid numbers by half!”
Warned the head of Trump’s Re-elect Staff.
“Just give me a minute,”
Said Donald. “I’ll spin it–
Now hand me that Sharpie and graph.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Steve Whitred, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FAIR or FARE or AFFAIR” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
His blind date was an awkward affair.
They had said, “She has brains; she has flair
And, by God, can she sing!”
The unfortunate thing:
She looked much more like Sonny than Cher.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Got a dog for my wife at “Town Square.”
It’s a dachshund with black and white hair.
He sits and he stays
And always obeys.
I must say that the trade was quite fair.
Dave Johnson:
The film was a sexy affair;
It’s actors were chosen with care.
But one would resist
As she tried to insist
Her partner was too hard to bare.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Life was more than Rapunzel could bear.
From her tower she cried, “It’s not fair!
I’m expecting the Prince,
But I’ve run out of rinse,
And I can’t do a thing with my hair!”
Tim James:
Debussy wrote a piece called “La Mer”
(Which is French for “The Sea,” if you care.)
When I first heard it played,
The impression it made
Was so real that I tossed that night’s fare.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCAM LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
First he swore we would have a great time,
But he fleeced me of every last dime.
Then I found I was sick —
Not just COVID, but tick-
Borne disease… yes, Corona with Lyme.
Brian Allgar:
I was broke till last summer, but since,
I’ve grown rich. Here’s a couple of hints
For a scheme that can’t fail:
Offer money by mail,
And pretend you’re an African prince.
Tim James:
Charles Ponzi let pyramids crash.
Michael Milken sold bonds that were trash.
S&L mogul Keating
Got busted for cheating,
And Bernie Madoff with the cash.
Steve Whitred:
Blah, blah, blah, [insert word salad here.]
Blah, blah, blah, you have nothing to fear.
It’s a scam. It’s a hoax.
Let’s get back to work folks.
Kiss your Granny while you can still see ’er.
Steve Benko:
When I heard of Nigerian oil,
It sounded according to Hoyle.
Turns out I got fleeced,
But when mad I’m a beast;
As a hit man I’ve hired a mohel.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (441)
Saturday, March 14th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A pilot was taken aback
By a sudden, fierce counterattack.
He approached with great care
On a wing and a prayer —
And got slapped in the face by a WAC.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special TOY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
After both of the kids were asleep,
Buzz Lightyear would quietly creep
Into Mom’s private room
For a quick va-va-voom!
(Did he tire of little Bo Peep?)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Steven Frakt, Thomas Vincent, Delano Britt, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BACK/ABACK” RHYME DIVISION)
Stephen Whitred:
Said the cannibal holding a sack,
“Here’s a hussy to cook us a snack.”
But her lumbar tattoo
Would just ruin the stew,
So I doubt they’ll be having her back.
Suzanne Heymann:
Her ex beat her up, blue and black,
But her brothers would soon pay him back;
On a railroad they’d heap
(And tie up) this dumb creep.
You could say that they kept him on track.
Daisy Hyrkas:
Since I just can’t afford a Big Mac,
I check out the dumpster in back.
I sift through the litter
And fight off a critter,
Before giving up on my snack.
Dave Johnson:
She called him a liberal hack;
“You Trump-loving shill!” he shot back.
They’re at it again;
That’s the dialogue when
The Conways are hitting the sack.
Steven Frakt:
A flea and a fly ventured back
To the flue they had fled through a crack;
They did not much care
For the cold outside air.
Now they’re happy, for those keeping track.
Thomas Vincent:
Donald says that we have to strike back,
Cuz the White House is under attack.
For recession or flu,
It is clear what to do:
We will just blame it all on Barack.
Delano Britt:
There once was a gal with a knack.
For lying all day on her back.
Though I know it is cheesy
To say she is easy,
Even God couldn’t keep her on track.
Fred Bortz:
A bimbo who wanted a “rack”
Found out that her doc was a quack
When she woke from her op
And discovered her top
Had voluptuous breasts in the back.
Tim James:
When he heard that a gal in a shack
Did her job lying flat on her back,
He guffawed like a schmuck.
(She was fixing a truck.)
He’s a jerk with a mind that’s one-track.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
The Pandemic we’re currently braving
Has required new ways of behaving:
Do not greet with a smack,
If you’re breathing, stand back,
And trade foreplay for long-distance waving.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.
Jean McEwen:
As much as I hate to be crass,
I have to come clean, doc. Alas,
I got carried away.
With some intimate play.
Now a butt plug has lodged up my ass.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Most toddlers are not at all coy,
And we watch them with pleasure and joy.
They will play with a box
Or with Grandpa’s old socks,
Cause anything serves as a toy.
Ken Gosse:
A birthday’s a time of great joy
For ev’ry good girl and good boy,
But as we get older
And joints get much colder,
We feel like a kid’s broken toy.
Suzanne Heymann:
If you’re poor and your children are boys
When they can’t have some fun, they make noise.
So without acting chilly,
Say, “Play with your willy;
You don’t need some silly old toys.”
Brian Allgar:
I started to strip her with glee,
But I knew she was toying with me
When the object I felt
Was a chastity-belt,
And she claimed she’d forgotten the key.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Delano Britt, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Frakt, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (440)
Saturday, February 29th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
They are stripping the mountaintops bare
And polluting the streams and the air.
Mining makes a huge gash,
So small payments of cash
Are coaled comfort for residents there.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CLOTHING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A spy sent a note to her chief.
How’d she do it? It beggars belief:
She inscribed it with care
On her guy’s underwear.
That’s the way she conveyed it, in brief.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Tim James, Beri Caram, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Diane Groothuis, Daisy Hyrkas, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CASH/CACHE” RHYME DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Here’s a TSA warning to heed:
If your state’s not yet legalized weed,
Expect agents to trash
All the hash in your cache.
(You’d best smoke it beforehand. Agreed?)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When Ogden was asked why he sought to
Write more lim’ricks than any man ought to:
“Not unlike earning cash,
It’s like breathing,” said Nash–
“It’s better to do it than not to.”
Tim James:
She’s a beauty, with style and panache,
And I know that my ardor is rash.
Oh, to lie in her arms
And enjoy her sweet charms!
It turns out, though, I haven’t the cash.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOTHING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Beri Caram:
I gathered the leaves of a fig
To wear on my prominent rig.
My wife said, “That stuff
Is barely enough
To cover up something that big.”
Tony Holmes:
If it’s true that, ‘Clothes maketh the man,’
I must get some as soon as I can.
Oh, it’s all very well
Living au naturel,
But it sucks for my seven-year plan.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
All the guys used to give me a wink
When I’d sit at “The Lounge” for a drink.
But I’ve stopped going there
Cuz I’ve nothing to wear;
Seems that choc’late made all my clothes shrink.
Brian Allgar:
My new Y-fronts are horribly wrong,
Manufactured no doubt in Hong Kong.
They are useless and silly,
Unless you’ve a willy
That’s Z-shaped and twelve inches long.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Well, Lady Godiva was clutch,
Riding naked for causes and such,
Butt rubbed raw by her horse.
One conclusion, of course,
Is the Lady doth protest too much.
Steve Whitred:
There once was a man, quite a prude.
In his nightmares he went around nude,
But exposing his skin
Caused him so much chagrin,
That he had himself fully tattooed.
Tim James:
An ecdysiast, smart as a whip,
Trolled the crowd with the following quip:
“In exchange for your payment,
I’ll doff my scant raiment.”
A fellow yelled, “THEN will you strip?”
Diane Groothuis:
A Scot in a very short kilt
Said “You see I am very well built,
And in my tight trews
You’ll get plenty of views
Of the sword which I keep in my hilt.”
Daisy Hyrkas:
There once was a gal named Louise
Whose clothes were infested with fleas.
They caused such an itch,
She removed ev’ry stitch
And called it the vermin striptease.
Suzanne Heymann:
A brassiere is a curse-worthy thing,
An uncomfortable harness — tit sling.
I get home and then boom;
Free my boobs from their tomb.
Whip the thing ’cross the room with a fling!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Beri Caram, Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Diane Groothuis, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest Filed under Contests
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (339)
Saturday, July 21st, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Poor Billy. He fell for the spell
Of the belle of the ball. All was well,
’Til he swung her and tripped
At the moment they dipped,
And we all heard the bawl of the belle.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Punishment-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Kinky punishment’s part of her act,
And at times she wears costumes. In fact,
With one client, for fun,
She dressed up like a nun.
But it wasn’t his knuckles she whacked.
Congratulations to Sharon Neeman and Brian Allgar, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange, written because they apparently found my limerick theme choice to be punishing:
Sharon Neeman:
This week’s challenge is far from sublime:
Mad has found us a verb with no rhyme!
Not “astonish” or “banish”
Or “donnish” or “vanish” –
Just “nunnish,” which wastes all our time.
Brian Allgar:
Poor Sharon complains that this week
The lack of a rhyme-verb is bleak,
And to seek one for “punish”
Could only be funnish
For one with a masochist streak.
Madeleine Begun Kane:
Please don’t punish the judge for her theme-choice.
(One might modishly call it her meme-choice.)
For you’re free as a bird
To select any word
And determine your own rhyming scheme-choice.
Brian Allgar: (written, Brian claims, after a few drinks)
Dear Mad –
I washn’t intending to critishize
But shimply attempting to wittishize
Poor Sharon’s shad plight
As besht as I might
Through whishky-befuddled old British eyes
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners, in random order: Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Steve Whitred, Tony Holmes, Will T. Laughlin, Mark Westin, Lisi Nortman, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Ken Gosse, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BELL / BELLE / REBEL-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PUNISHMENT LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
“Come lie down and be whipped,” hissed the “pastor;”
“You have shown disrespect to your master.”
His “disciple,” sweet Belle,
Grinned and answered “Like hell!
Though you’re older and bigger, I’m faster.”
Brian Allgar:
An athletic young hooker called Belle
Said “You’ve been a bad boy, I’ve heard tell.”
So she spanked and she spanked
While the President wanked,
Till his bum was bright orange as well.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BELL / BELLE / REBEL-RHYME DIVISION)
David Reddekopp:
There once was a fellow named Mel,
Whose date was proceeding quite well;
He was baring it all
With the belle of the ball –
Then he saw the two balls of the belle.
Dave Johnson:
He’s dating a true Southern belle
Who’s gracious and gorgeous as well.
We talked for a while
And he said with a smile:
“She’s horny and I’m feeling swell.”
Stephen Whitred:
Neither ask who is tolling the bell,
Nor for whom is its sorrowful knell,
Cuz the answer you see
Is it’s ringing for thee,
And you’re Donne for, or so I hear tell.
Tony Holmes:
When I ponder the night I met Belle
All the veins in my neck start to swell.
She was coy, I had gold;
She took charge, I got rolled –
But ’twas ME spent the night in a cell!
Will T. Laughlin:
From the depths of Political Hell
Came the sharp, metaphorical yell
Of a crotch-grabbing schmuck
With his short fingers stuck
In the crack of the Liberty Bell.
Dave Johnson:
When someone says “clear as a bell”
My question is: how does it knell?
Does transparency bring
A much zingier ding,
With a dong that is longer as well?
Mark Westin:
In the old days ’twas telephone hell
When the circuits were ruled by Ma Bell,
Till a wireless coup
Promised freedom anew.
But we wound up enslaved by the cell.
Lisi Nortman:
Ten items at checkout? Oh hell!
I’ve eleven, but no one can tell.
I just must buy that treat
Or my doggie won’t eat.
(And what a cool way to rebel!)
Stephen Whitred says:
What I said was as clear as a bell,
And our summit was super and swell.
He’s my biggily bear,
And I really don’t care
That he calls me his mademoiselle.
Tim James:
A woman was hotter than hell,
But she couldn’t do math very well.
“Four plus four’s forty-four.
Maybe less? Maybe more?”
She’s well-known as a true ding-dong belle.
Konrad Schwoerke:
In high school, I always did well,
But my shyness made being there hell.
My virginity loomed
(I’d have sworn I was doomed);
Then, at prom, I was saved by the belle.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PUNISHMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
And now, for his manifold sins,
Trump’s punishment truly begins:
His dreadful remarks
Got the man who hates sharks
In hot water, surrounded by Fin(n)s.
Ken Gosse:
Trump would punish potential rebellion
By demanding that each wanton hellion
Watch his face night and day,
And hear all that he’d say.
His draconian touch was Orwellian.
Sharon Neeman:
Snatching kids makes America big?
Throw the Snatcher-in-Chief in the brig!
Make him pay for his fun:
Give that immigrant’s son
A new jumpsuit — same shade as his wig.
Jean McEwen:
You’ve committed a terrible crime,
But you’d rather not serve lots of time.
Disinclined to repentance?
Then ponder this sentence:
Old Sparky is truly sublime!
Sharon Neeman:
At dinner, if ever I said
Something nasty, they sent me to bed —
So I often was rude:
“Reading’s better than food;
Let my brothers do dishes instead!”
Konrad Schwoerke:
I’m emotional during my time,
And I sob at the drop of a dime.
I was wailing when nailed;
Now I’m wailing while jailed.
I-I’m putting the cry-y in crime.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Westin, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, June 9th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
He was shipwrecked, and swam for a mile
Before reaching a small desert isle.
Three huge natives appeared,
And the mariner feared
For his life, till one said with a smile:
“Though we used to be cannibals – vile!
Human flesh is no longer our style.
So Fee, Fo and Fum
Won’t be eating you, chum …
But I’m sorry to say Grandpa Fi’ll.”
Congratulations to ARMCHAIR POET, who wins the Special Parenting-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 3-verse limerick:
As a father, he isn’t so great.
His own daughter, he deigned once to rate.
Donald said of his lass,
“She’s a nice piece of ass!
Were I younger, we’d probably date.”
Donald Jr.’s a chip off the block.
His divorce didn’t come as a shock.
“Why not cheat like my Dad?
Surely I won’t be sad,
’Cause my next wives are certain to rock.”
Poor Eric’s not brilliant, it’s true:
His deep thoughts, far between, and quite few.
While his musings are lame,
He’s not really to blame;
He inherited Donald’s IQ.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Mike Shulman, Konrad Schwoerke, Bob Dvorak, Byron Miller, a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Daphne Steinberg, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FILE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARENTING LIMERICKS)
Steve Whitred:
Raising children is often a trial,
Like you’re stuck behind bars for a while;
Every birthday you ache
As you search through their cake
For a lock-pick, a key, or a file.
Sharon Neeman:
A black parent’s advice to a son:
“Don’t scare white kids — not even in fun;
Don’t pretend you’re on crack;
Never carry a sack;
And don’t dare turn your back on a gun.
Never shove — stand in line, single file;
Don’t let insolence show in your smile;
Study hard; never fail;
Go to Harvard or Yale —
And you’ll stay out of jail… for a while.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FILE” RHYME DIVISION)
Mike Shulman:
A fetishist hacker named Kyle
Fancied footwear no matter the style.
He’d rub and he’d sniff,
Save the flats as a GIF
And the heels as a video file.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Philanderer Phineas Phial
Is a marathon runner from Lyle.
When this horndog is training,
He’s never abstaining:
“Cuz a miss is as good as a mile.”
Bob Dvorak:
I write limericks once in a while,
Trying hard to elicit a smile.
Wrote my best one last night,
But a mischievous sprite
Hacked my drive and deleted the file.
Byron Miller:
When they find a new boy to defile,
Papal priests will line up for a mile;
The occasional deacon
Is likely to sneak in
And leave with a devious smile.
Tim James:
He got thrown into jail for a while
When they caught him at something quite vile.
In a library nook
He made love to a book.
You could say he’s a bibliophile.
Steve Whitred:
There’s a quirk in my limerick style
That’s been irking me now for a while;
They all scan pretty well,
But they’re blander than hell.
So they’re tossed in the circular file.
Daphne Steinberg, for her Note from Melania to Number Four:
Before you two walk down the aisle,
In my shoes you would well walk a mile.
He’s a cheat and a louse
And a horrible spouse.
Have doubts? Check my private eye’s file.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARENTING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Even though my kids don’t start their day
Eating oatmeal and yogurt, I say:
Fuck the dental technician
And rules of nutrition!
Count Chocula says it’s OK!
Dave Johnson:
Her parents were gone for the day,
So Alex came over to play.
But they didn’t know
That Alexa would glow
And record what was coming her way.
Then contacts were found on a list;
She sent them the sounds of their tryst.
Reactions were fast;
The folks were aghast.
If only they’d cuddled and kissed…
Lisi Nortman:
My toddler’s extremely cute,
And we’ve never had any dispute,
But she talks a blue streak,
So for only one week
I’d love a control that says “mute.”
Brian Allgar:
Trump’s parents, I’m sorry to say,
Abandoned the old-fashioned way.
He sucked on a dummy
Instead of his mummy;
That’s why he’s a dummy today.
Lisi Nortman:
“Take it easy, my sweet darling, Leigh.
I’ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see.”
“Thanks, the twins just like cheese,
But our Gail’s hard to please.”
(To which he replied, “We’ve got THREE?”)
Brian Allgar:
“This parenting sometimes can vex,”
She complained, “when you find you’ve had sex
With your son. And it’s sad
That he killed his own Dad –
I have to say, Oedipus wrecks.”
Dave Johnson:
With little ones out of the way,
The parents decided to play.
They later found out
That the kids were about;
And Snapchat can ruin your day.
Tony Holmes:
Dad insisted, ‘You’ll do as I say!’
I absconded the very next day.
’Twas many years later
I found out that Pater
Had rigged things to work out that way.
Tim James:
My son is a bully named Mitch.
He’s defiant, a sneak and a snitch.
When I ask who’s to blame,
Dad says I was the same.
Isn’t karma an absolute bitch?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Armchair Poet, Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Daphne Steinberg, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mike Shulman, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Sunday, January 21st, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this 2-verse limerick:
A fellow was trying to steal
A kiss (and much more) from Lucille.
Though he coaxed and cajoled,
It just didn’t take hold.
In his spiel she found little appeal.
Well, he’s only sixteen. My own line
At that age wasn’t polished or fine.
I remember the urge
When those hormones would surge…
STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER, YOU SWINE!
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TEEN-Themed Limerick Award for this 2-verse limerick:
Roy Moore has a craving for teens;
Oh, the charm of those tight little jeans
On the sweetly pubescent!
He’s always tumescent,
And getting his under-age greens.
“I’ve been libelled by sick magazines,”
He insists. “So I go for fourteens?
‘Let the little kids cum’,
Jesus said. I ain’t dumb –
That’s what true Christianity means.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Konrad Schwoerke, Fred Bortz, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STEAL/STEEL” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
A welder who lived in Mobile,
Was known for his fingers of steel.
When lovers were bruised
From his fondles, he mused:
“I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel.”
Sharon Neeman:
If I were a robot of steel,
I wouldn’t eat chicken or veal.
Plugged in for an hour,
I’d rest and re-power.
Electrons: the true vegan meal.
Steve Whitred:
A dossier authored by Steele
Could confirm that collusion was real
But the part on page three
Where those women go wee
Made the FSB laugh in a peal.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Take a hair, and at most, I might squeal,
But a kidney’s a much bigger deal.
Though a lung is too dear,
I will lend you an ear,
And my heart you are welcome to steal.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEEN LIMERICK DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
“Dear parents,” advises the sage,
“You know that your teens will engage
In actions erotic.
Just don’t be despotic.
Remember you once were their age.”
David Reddekopp:
To be sixteen again! I’ll explain
Why a wish of that sort is in vain:
I would spend ev’ry week
Of my sexual peak
With my gland in my hand, once again.
Sharon Neeman:
In this foul wintry storm that I dread,
As I work with sick joints and sore head,
I recall: in my teens,
When I woke to such scenes,
I’d feign fever and go back to bed.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, December 23rd, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MIKE SHULMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this limerick:
A wicked and goatish old coot,
Although brazen and horny to boot,
Had along with his gumption,
Erectile dysfunction,
Which rendered his naughtiness moot.
Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Special HYPOCRISY-Themed Limerick Award for this limerick:
Steve Whitred:
They hate trannies with all of their might,
Think that heaven is straight, male, and white,
Claim they’re children of god,
But then give Trump the nod;
They’re the smug sanctimonious right.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kathleen Bartoletti, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Ann Martin, Sue Dulley, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOOT” RHYME DIVISION)
Kathleen Bartoletti:
“Your disease, I’m afraid, is acute,”
Said the doc, “and all treatment is moot;
Here’s my bill, pay it fast,
For odds are you won’t last
Long enough to lace up that tall boot.”
Steve Whitred:
There was an old gal in a boot
Who had children. Their number is moot.
Gave them broth and some bread,
Sent them straight off to bed,
Then exchanged them on eBay for loot.
Tim James:
The new intern was really quite cute,
And the boss copped a feel, the old brute.
Then a well-aimed right boot
Put a dent in his glute.
And the shiner she gave him? A beaut!
Dave Johnson:
She married a wealthy, old coot,
Who’s gruff as the sole of a boot.
Asked why, she’d contend:
“I’m just helping him spend
Some quality time with his loot.”
Ann Martin:
There are people who don’t give a hoot
For our planet, but choose to pollute;
As we wade through the flood
With our shoes caked in mud,
Let’s give those old Trumpsters the boot!
Sue Dulley:
In Britain, the “trunk” is the “boot.”
The “hood” is the “bonnet.” (How cute!)
They burn “petrol.” Not “gas!”
“Overtake,” never “pass”
While the “horn” (still a “horn”) goes “toot-toot.”
They sit in the rightmost front seat
To cruise the left side of the street.
When they drive a new route
First their “sat nav” they boot,
Then shift gears using clutches and feet.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (HYPOCRISY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Health or wealth? Dr. Carson has both,
And his bank account shows healthy growth.
Why are homeless folk crying
And sick people dying?
The Doc’s hypocritical oath.
Dave Johnson:
The minister started to yell:
“You sinners are going to Hell!”
That night at the ranch,
To a madam named Blanche,
He asked “Where is that sweet Annabelle?”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ann Martin, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Kathleen Bartoletti, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mike Shulman, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (288)
Saturday, December 9th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The golfer whose game hit a snag
And whose shots landed far from the flag,
Said his caddy’s to blame
For advice on his game.
So the caddy’s left holding the bag.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special COWARDICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Donald thinks he’s one hell of a fellow.
“Nothing scares me!” the braggart will bellow.
But as Mueller draws near,
Donald trembles with fear;
Both his hair and his belly are yellow.
Congratulations to MARK KANE, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Turning tricks in hotels was her game.
And with most johns the work was the same:
They’d agree on a price
For his pleasures and vice,
Then she’d leave shortly after he came.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award for her 3-verse limerick. Here’s how she describes her puzzle challenge: “Find the ‘hidden’ names of what are mostly board games. (Some use dice/die or cards.) There are 13 in total.”
You know, being a spy and a dame
Is a scary and dangerous game.
If I fail in my mission,
I soon will be fishin’
For a graveyard position (oh shame!)
I am sorry; that boat ain’t a yahtzee.
I risk boarding that battleship nazi.
Though it seems so taboo,
I just hadn’t a clue
What the dirty minds knew of a plot, see?
My plan was no trivial pursuit.
I must scrabble for facts and then scoot.
“Operation Titanium”
Don’t boggle my cranium.
I found the uranium! Let’s shoot!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Suzanne Heymann, Dave Johnson, Mike Shulman, David Reddekopp, Ailsa McKillop, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GAME” RHYME DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
I was watching young people play Twister
With some body parts grabbed by some mister.
But the twist in the game
Unexpectedly came
When his gonads were squeezed by his sister.
Dave Johnson:
Her boyfriend just wasn’t the same,
His excuses – increasingly lame.
Then later she found
He was playing around;
Maintaining his skin in the game.
Mike Shulman:
A sportsman with mis’rable aim
Hunted roadkill in place of real game.
When he bagged a flat skunk,
His wife growled in her funk:
“That’s gamy, which isn’t the same.”
David Reddekopp:
The hunter went out with his daughter.
He thought it was time that he taught her,
So she said “Sure, I’m game!”
He then turned and took aim
With his gun, pulled the trigger, and shot her!
Ailsa McKillop:
On the wall it hung, stitched, in a frame,
The fond motto of Scots to proclaim:
“East or West, Hame is Best.”
The American guest
Said “This Hame guy—just what is his game?”
Sharon Neeman:
A young woman, Lorena by name,
Had a man with a really bad game;
In disgust, she one day
Cut his joystick away.
(Though repaired, it was never the same.)
Mike Shulman:
Mary Lou felt her passions enflame
Playing handball with men without shame.
Saying, “Can we be besties?”
She’d fondle their testes.
“Isn’t handball the name of this game?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (COWARDICE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Call it bravery, gumption or guts;
You’ll find none among GOP sluts.
While they sell out the poor,
Corporations get more.
They’re all cowards. No ifs, ands or buts.
Steve Whitred:
To our shame we’re the ones who empowered
A bully, a boor, and a coward.
And I know time will come
We’ll be rid of the bum.
I just wish it was happening now-ward.
Sue Dulley:
When I’m out for a walk or a jog
And approached by a big off-leash dog,
My saunter is soured.
I’m cowed, I’m a coward;
My jog soon turns into a slog.
Brian Allgar:
At the dentist, I’m really quite brave,
But each morning, I gibber and rave
At the blood and the pain,
Swearing “Never again!”
I’m a coward when having to shave.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mark Kane, Mike Shulman, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 4 Comments »
Saturday, November 25th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DIANE GROOTHUIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a whined-rhyme and a revenge limerick:
The neighbor’s dog whimpered and whined,
Till it drove me quite out of my mind.
To stop it I stoned it,
Then shredded and boned it.
“A doggy bag? You are so kind!”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special REVENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
He filmed their encounter for kicks;
Then secretly posted the pics.
Her father, a pro
With intelligence flow,
Pursued a conviction that sticks.
To those who would purposely shame
For revenge or just playing a game,
Remember this tale;
You could wind up in jail
As well as the Dick Hall of Fame.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Graham Lester, Kirk Miller, Steve Whitred, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO REVENGE LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar
“To take action or not?” Hamlet whined.
“Avenging my Dad would be kind;
There are arguments for,
But against, there are more….
I simply can’t make up my mind.”
Sharon Neeman’s 2-Verser:
He scratched and he howled and he whined
As she did a full strip, bump and grind.
When she shed the last bits
And revealed quim and tits,
He thought he’d go out of his mind…
On the phone, she revealed to her sister
That her husband had wronged her and dissed her.
“But I used that old spell
That you taught me so well —
Now he’s such a good doggie, my Mister!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME DIVISION)
Graham Lester:
A little while after I’ve dined,
I do something quite unrefined,
But don’t say I “puked” —
You’ll be sternly rebuked!
I’d prefer you to say I “un-wined.”
Kirk Miller:
When the judge arrived home, his wife, Kay,
Told their kids, “From your dad, stay away.
He just needs to unwind,
’Cause we’re likely to find
He is stressed from a long, trying day.”
Steve Whitred:
I’ve been whiskied, tequila’d and wined.
Inspiration’s been easy to find.
Poured out lims by the score,
Even some you’d adore,
But they all were just 3 or 4 lined.
Marty Gerendasy:
A young man was delighted to find
An exciting new way to unwind;
Had it all well in hand
Till one day it was banned.
Mom said “Stop it or else you’ll go blind!”
Randolph Wagner:
With his crotch rubbing Helen’s behind,
Paris relished their hot bump and grind.
But his Trojan attire
Sheathed virile desire.
“Bareback buggery’s better!” she whined.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (REVENGE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
As their Thanksgiving dinner drew nigh,
The turkey was starting to cry.
But revenge would be sweet
When they chewed on her meat –
She had bird flu! The diners would die.
David Reddekopp:
There’s no end to the trouble you’re in
If, Mad, you commit this great sin:
Take heed what I say
You WILL rue the day
If you don’t pick my limerick to win.
Dave Johnson:
A road-rager flashing his light
Flipped them off as he passed on the right.
Moments later they saw
He’d been stopped by the law;
“That’s him!” she said. “Thanks and good night.”
Tim James:
There once was a weirdo named Moore
Who cruised high schools and malls. But what for?
Teenage girls! If he knew them,
He wanted to screw them.
With luck, they’ll now even the score.
Brian Allgar:
He was grabbed by a fist hard as steel;
The Donald emitted a squeal
Like a pig at the slaughter.
“Hey, Dad!” said his daughter,
“This grabbing thing – how does it feel?”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Diane Groothuis, Graham Lester, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, November 11th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The lascivious, lewd, lazy lord
Had a harem, one hell of a horde.
Lots of sex (his sole goal)
Stopped his heart, took its toll,
As too many a hole was explored.
Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Special CHAOS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Steve Whitred:
With Max on the case we all knew
That the phone ringing came from his shoe,
That he’d miss ‘by that much’
But come through in the clutch,
And that KAOS would always ensue.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
“Please tell me, of those who’ve been whored,
Which sluts might a beggar afford
For a sexual tryst?”
He gave me a list
With the name of your mom underscored.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER and BRIAN ALLGAR, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Robert Schechter:
The Devil, no less than the Lord,
Is looking for souls he can hoard.
I’ve heard both their pitches
But still don’t know which is
The team I’ll be hopping aboard.
Brian Allgar: (The Devil replies)
If you’ve had a good time, if you’ve whored,
If when sinning, your spirits have soared,
Then you’re welcome. If not,
Maybe Heaven’s your spot,
But I warn you – you’re gonna be bored.
Robert Schechter:
All my life I have partied and whored
Since the day my umbilical cord
Was snipped, till the day
I could no longer pay,
So my virtue was sadly restored.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHAOS LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
I’ve searched through my limerick hoard
For a piece about “chaos”. I’m floored!
I know there must be one,
So why can’t I see one?
My files are chaotically stored!
Sharon Neeman:
Disorder she’d always abhorred;
When the hurricane came, she was floored!
Her possessions were scattered
And ruined and shattered.
“Just take me now, Lord!” she implored.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME DIVISION)
David Reddekopp:
There once was a woman, quite bored.
She went out on the street and she whored.
But she wasn’t a looker,
And no one would book her;
Her night as a hooker: ignored.
Sue Dulley:
My nose started bleeding – good lord!
It’s blood I can little afford.
From nostrils it issues –
Now where are my tissues?
They’ve hidden themselves in my hoard.
Dave Johnson:
On display, an unusual hoard
Of artifacts nicely restored.
Erotic in style,
They remind with a smile
How debauchery scored with the bored.
Fred Bortz:
With the whole Red Light District explored,
Where each one of the horde had been whored,
The warriors returned
To their base where they learned
About STD treatments ignored.
Robert Schechter:
A group of Norwegians, a horde,
Once offered a prayer to the Lord:
“Before our life ends,
Won’t you send us a Benz
Instead of a broken-down Fjord?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHAOS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
“Chaotic” can only describe
A trip with the family tribe.
From “Gotta go potty!”
To “STOP BEING NAUGHTY!”
3:30? It’s time to imbibe.
Suzanne Heymann:
On my lap, my cute Shih Tzu had pooed.
I freaked out and then chaos ensued.
It was much worse a sin
Than just stuck to my skin;
That’s because I had been in the nude!
Sharon Neeman:
The supplies were delivered today,
And the work starts tomorrow, they say;
Now I can’t close my door —
No, nor walk on the floor —
For the boxes of tiles in the way.
I’ve just had the nastiest fall
On the sink that is blocking my hall;
There’s a tap in my hat,
And I can’t find the cat,
And there’s no room to sleep here at all.
Tim James for his “Acrostic” Limerick:
Pay heed to what’s up in D.C.:
Utter chaos ’round hookers who pee.
There’s just one man who scores
In this tale of the whores.
Now look left, and you’ll see who’s the key.
Suzanne Heymann:
On climate change, Trump wants to ban it.
The ember of chaos – he’ll fan it.
He refuses to listen
To facts that he’s missin’
With actions dismissin’ the planet.
The scientists have all the proof.
All their work done got scrapped by him – Poof!
He believes there is worth
In destroying the earth.
How’d his momma give birth to that goof?!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (285)
Sunday, October 29th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
My two titties were built like a tank.
I had dear Mother Nature to thank.
But I’m way past my prime
And can thank Father Time
For the ultimate crime – they both sank.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Vegetable-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Did you hear about Ruthie Ann Rickles?
She used cukes for her intimate tickles,
’Til poor Ruthie (all heedless
Of sticking to seedless)
Gave birth to a jarful of pickles.
Congratulations to SUE DULLEY, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
One veggie that I love to hate: (oh,
Apart from the cherry tomato) –
More bland than wax beans
And less tasty than greens,
Is the boring-as-hell mashed potato.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Marty Gerendasy, Daniel Ari, Randolph Wagner, Sue Dulley, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TANK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO VEGETABLE LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
“Your Honor,” said bank robber Reggie,
“My wife said we had to go veggie.
She threw out my steaks
And fed me kale shakes,
Which I guess made me feel kind of edgy.
Then she took all my cash and my plastic,
So I had to go do something drastic.
I **did** rob that bank —
Just so I could tank
Up on roast beef — and it was fantastic!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TANK” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Said the hooker to Trump: “I’ll be frank;
Though you claim that you’re built like a tank,
It’s a tank with a belly
That shakes like a jelly,
And a weapon whose charges are blank.”
Will T. Laughlin:
“I’ve the Second Amendment to thank
For keeping me safe,” hollered Hank.
“It’s my right to bear arms,
So who cares who it harms?”
Then he drove off to church… in his tank.
Marty Gerendasy:
After spending the night with a skank,
He awoke with the drunks in the tank.
Blinked his eyes, said “Oh dear,
What am I doing here?
Guess it must have been something I drank!”
Daniel Ari:
A robber fresh out of the tank
Walked into First National Bank.
“We’ve met,” said the greeter.
The con pulled his heater
And said, “I’m not drawing a blank.”
Sharon Neeman:
A conceited new sergeant named Hank
Took a selfie while driving his tank.
Pride precedeth a fall —
He steered into a wall…
Thirty days and demotion in rank.
Randolph Wagner:
A saucy pert lass, when alerted
To breezes blown nippingly, flirted.
Her bearing was frank
As she donned a sheer tank:
It was pointedly quite extroverted.
Sue Dulley:
I tried to put gas in my tank
But the screen showed no numbers, just blank.
Then my credit card stuck
’Til a tourist (such luck!)
Pulled it out – all it took was a Yank.
Steve Whitred:
Once again in the hoosegow or tank.
How I got here is somewhat a blank.
But I know that in part
I blame René Descartes;
I am and so therefor I drank.
Sue Dulley, for her “Atheist’s Lament”
I’ve plenty of gas in the tank
Of my car, and some cash in the bank;
Some fabric for stitchin’,
And food in the kitchen
But no idea whom I should thank.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (VEGETABLE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“I am sick of my vegetable diet,”
The bimbo complained. “I don’t buy it –
It’s protein I need!”
And her doctor agreed:
“Just blow me, and I can supply it.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Why can’t vegetables taste more like candy?
Why, that sure would be dandy and handy!
If I pull a few strings,
Let us see what that brings –
I’ll just cook the damn things in some brandy!
Dave Johnson:
Organic is better, they say;
For some, there is no other way.
Still, others resist,
It’s not on their list;
They really don’t care what you spray.
Steve Whitred, who says: “Don’t ask how I know.”
With cucumber coitus take care.
Fresh corn cobs and carrots forswear.
Those little zucchinis
Resembling weenies
Or peppers; don’t put ’em up there!
David Reddekopp:
There once was a man from Beirut
Who was paralyzed, deaf, and a mute.
He was also quite gay,
So the bigots would say
“He’s a vegetable, and he’s a fruit.”
Stephen Whitred:
This rumor is true folks, I swear it:
A brand new Vegas line, let me share it.
You can gamble on who
Has the higher IQ.
Is it Tillerson (Rex) or a carrot?
Tim James:
My new diet’s all veggies. I make
The best seaweed and pressed tofu cake.
It’s quite easy to do it:
You have to … oh, screw it!
Won’t someone please make me a steak?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daniel Ari, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Saturday, October 14th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A brewer’s wife, hastily wed,
Came to dread joyless hops into bed.
And so she went down
On each fellow in town.
And that’s how things came to a head.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special GLASSES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
On the naturist beach, he loves staring
At flesh that the ladies are baring.
He even makes passes
At girls who wear glasses,
Provided that’s all that they’re wearing.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ and STEVE WHITRED, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Fred Bortz:
Dear Madeleine Kane, you should dread
If my limerick’s not at the head.
Prepare for the worst
If my poem’s not first.
Your friendly extortionist, Fred.
Steve Whitred:
Don’t let Fred put a gun to your head.
You should pick one of MY lims instead;
They’re insightful and funny.
I’ll wire you money.
Ignore what that scientist said.
Fred Bortz:
Mad’s caught between two different tribes;
Arm-twisters and those who use bribes.
She can’t win for losing.
The answer is boozing.
And that’s why our leader imbibes.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Neal Starkman, Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Bruce Niedt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HEAD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GLASSES-Themed LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy:
“Hey, I can’t find my glasses!” he said.
“Could it be they fell under the bed?”
Then she gave him a look
And said “Don’t be a schnook.
“They’re still sitting on top of your head!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAD” RHYME DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
Since faces should never be smacked,
My friends and I made a nice pact
To give noogies instead
On the top of each head,
Even though it’s a knucklehead act.
Neal Starkman:
“Be nice now; I’ll give you some head.”
At least, that’s what I thought she had said.
I climbed into bed
But, dammit, instead,
She brought me a platter of bread.
Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:
Said Marie Antoinette at her wedding,
Let’s slip out dear and get to the bedding.
I’ll give you some head,
And I’d love to get spread,
Plus, my maidenhead needs a beheading.
Tim James:
A powerful media head
Uttered “Rosebud” before dropping dead.
So for hours on screen
They ask, “What did that mean?”
Here’s a spoiler alert: it’s a sled.
Steve Whitred:
The ex-lawyer, ex-oboist said
To her wooer, who’d just been misled:
“When I boasted, ‘You know,
I still blow like a pro,’
I was not at all proffering head.”
Will T. Laughlin:
The French executioner said,
As he mopped up a puddle of red:
“Madame Guillotine
May be wicked and mean,
But she really knows how to give head!”
Randolph Wagner:
An heiress flirtatiously said,
“All philanthropy starts in one’s bed.”
When she found a poor knave,
She indulgently gave
Him the shirt off her back and great head.
Jane Hoffman:
To lose weight, buy just one lettuce head
And with it eat one slice of bread.
That’s it for the day.
You’ll love what you weigh,
But you’ll never again feel well-fed!
Dave Johnson:
The madame quite proudly has said
“My ladies were properly bred.
Attentive and smart,
They’re well versed in the art
Of giving while getting ahead.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Do you suffer night terrors in bed?
And believe something’s wrong in your head?
Here’s a cure – sex and booze
And don’t stop! The good news?
You will probably snooze or drop dead.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GLASSES LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
I am fed up with Hollywood lasses
Who are “plain” ’til they take off their glasses;
Put that in your script,
And you ought to be shipped
To remedial screenwriting classes.
Brian Allgar:
Said the Donald, “I’m YUGE! It surpasses
The cock of your dreams! It outclasses – ”
The hooker said “Yes,
But to find it, I guess
That I’ll just have to put on my glasses.”
Sharon Neeman:
My near-sighted, shy friend Bill Shear
Solved both of his problems this year:
He got three different glasses
For meeting with lasses —
Martini, Old-Fashioned and beer.
Fred Bortz:
The rat was a pervert whose passes
Made friends think he needed new glasses.
He pursued the wrong genus–
Declared, “For my penis,
There’s nothing as sweet as mole asses.”
Tim James:
A fellow once said with a frown:
“Wearing specs makes me look like a clown;
Besides, you can tell
I see perfectly well…”
…Then walked into a door, and fell down.
Dave Johnson:
Fox News – where they sit on their asses
And blather voluminous gasses.
Each morning they’ll drool
Over Donald Trump’s rule
With a pile that would steam up your glasses.
Will T. Laughlin:
As nice as things tend to appear
Through rose-colored glasses, I fear
That it’s time to dispose
Of those glasses of rose,
And replace them with glasses of BEER.
Dave Johnson:
With Lasik, I wanted to boast
Great vision – much better than most.
It was that way indeed;
But now I’ve a need
For readers when writing this post.
Bruce Niedt:
Guys never make serious passes
(Goes the saying) at girls who wear glasses.
Said one spectacled cutie,
“They can’t see my beauty –
Their heads are all up in their asses!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce Niedt, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Neal Starkman, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, September 30th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny REST-rhyme limerick:
I decided I needed a rest
From that evil fake-President pest,
So I tried to compose
A sweet Ode to a Rose,
But my keyboard is Donald-obsessed.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special GUILT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which one might argue is also a REST-rhyme limerick.
Sharon Neeman:
“Are you sure it’s OK? I’m so stressed,”
Murmured Tom as they kissed and caressed.
“Don’t feel guilty,” said James;
“Mad likes homophone games —
So come here, dear; let’s show her our best!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Kirk Miller, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Dean Geier, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Steve Benko, Bruce Niedt, Will T. Laughlin, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Steve Whitred, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “REST/WREST/ARREST” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GUILT LIMERICKS)
Dave Johnson:
Hugh Hefner is lying at rest;
To his legacy I can attest.
A lascivious smile
Embodied the style
Where pleasure, when guilty, is best.
Brian Allgar:
The Donald is under arrest!
“I am guilty as charged,” he confessed.
Now he’s rotting in jail
Sewing bags for the mail …
Then I woke from my dream, quite depressed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“REST/WREST/ARREST” RHYME DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
At the chance for a nap I am leaping;
Into dreamland I soon will be creeping.
As my friends will attest,
I get plenty of rest.
I just never get tired of sleeping.
Byron Miller/aka Errol Nimbly:
When he puts his binocs to the test,
Mr. Thomas can peep with the best.
While concealing his boners,
This deviant loner’s
Adept at evading arrest.
Dean Geier (whose limerick also falls into the “flattery gets you everywhere” category:
From lim’ricks we’ve taken a rest,
But now with a fresh lively zest
We welcome you back.
Let us get back on track!
Mad Kane, you are simply THE BEST!
Sharon Neeman:
Said the cat to the writer hard-pressed:
“Who works harder? I have the best test:
I keep chasing my mouse
All around the damn house,
While yours stays on its pad, safe at rest.”
Brian Allgar:
“Ten commandments on stone! What a pain!
My back is on fire again!
Though thy name shall be blest,
Could you give me a rest?”
“Shut the fuck up! THOU SHALT NOT COMPLAIN!”
Tim James:
Miss Temple’s films weren’t the best,
Though she said they outranked all the rest.
“They were fun, sweet and warm,
And the art’s highest form!”
So I said to her, “Shirley, you jest.”
Steve Benko:
Said the sheriff, “You’re under arrest,
For I’m free at the Donald’s behest.
We’re Knights of the Grail
Putting wetbacks in jail
And we won’t be deterred in our quest.”
Bruce Niedt:
The anchor’s a little distressed –
She wants to stand out from the rest.
She’ll go under the knife
To be larger than life –
With the news she will keep us abreast!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GUILT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
Oh, Macbeth! Don’t you feel any guilt
At the ocean of blood you have spilt?
Said Macbeth, “I do not.
For you see, I’m a Scot,
And in Scotland it’s kill or be kilt.”
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
Early home, I surprised husband Milt.
I could tell right away he felt guilt.
For although he sure tried,
He just couldn’t hide
That curvaceous lump under the quilt.
Kirk Miller:
When the judge stroked his dick out of view
From the lawyers, it steadily grew.
The judge stroked with fury.
“Not guilty,” said jury.
The defendant got off; the judge, too.
Brian Allgar:
Trump’s gold-lust can never be sated;
Just touching it makes him elated.
Every loo he’s had built
Is the proof of his gilt,
And even his shit is gold-plated.
Sharon Neeman:
Drinking cocoa and petting the cat,
Hearing Bach and crocheting a hat,
When it’s rainy and chill
And the boss thinks you’re ill —
What a great guilty pleasure is that!
Steve Whitred:
Some people are weak, some are good
Some do chores in the order they should
Some give in to the yen
To put paper to pen
When they ought to be bucking up wood.
Fred Bortz:
In the sporran’s where he hid the loot,
A goblet, gold plated–a beaut!
But his kilt came unsealed
And his guilt was revealed.
Or was it his gilt? (The point’s moot.)
Dave Johnson:
Their overnight fling ran its course;
How it ended, she wouldn’t endorse.
Awoken alone
By a text on her phone:
“I’m guilty of boner’s remorse.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce Niedt, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Dean Geier, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sharon Neeman, Steve Benko, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 6 Comments »
Saturday, March 21st, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
I’ve been lost in the desert all day,
And my clothes are beginning to fray.
Now the vulture team dips,
And they’re smacking their lips
As the biggest one quips “Let us prey.”
Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Kevin Ahern, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Will T. Laughlin:
Those folks cause my temper to fray,
Who claim it’s a choice to be gay.
But I’ll lower my voice:
Being dumb is no choice,
And you can’t pray the Stupid away.
Kevin Ahern:
A sex-changing Swede in the fray
Said the surgery all went OK.
This ex-woman wrote
In a notable quote
“I sure wasn’t Bjorn yesterday.”
Brian Allgar:
The skydiver found with dismay
That his chute was beginning to fray.
It was no use at all
When he entered free fall,
And he ended his dive as purée.
Fred Bortz:
I’ve been watching my good nature fray
As climate deniers delay.
That Tea Party faction
Blocks government action.
All we need, they profess, is to pray.
Dave Johnson:
He insisted on having his way,
And her nerves were beginning to fray.
So she said “OK, fine
Then you pick the wine;
But please, no more boxed Chardonnay!”
Byron Ives:
We met at a Waikiki fray.
I fetched us Mai Tais right away.
She said with a wink,
“Gee, thanks for the drink.
I suppose you’re expecting a lei?”
And congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Does the thought of a nuclear fray
On your mind ever heavily weigh?
To allay your concern
It might help if you learn
From a story I’d like to convey.
We were close, in a land far away
To a plan that Iran would obey.
But before they could sign
The proverbial line
Junior Cotton stepped into the fray.
Cotton’s hope was to cause a delay
Or to side-track, unsettle, and fray
Global nuclear talks
While congressional hawks
Rattle sabers and bluster and bray.
Junior Cotton contends by the way
That the presidency is passé,
That a deal with ‘The Chief’
Would be worthless and brief
And in statecraft the Senate holds sway.
But his stupid seditious display
Caused the Tea Party caucus to fray.
And while they’re walking back
His subversive attack
Saner statesmen will Kerry the day.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Kevin Ahern, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, March 7th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
I’ve a fetish for moisture: a moat,
Or some pond, or a pool gets my vote.
Any sex is way better
When things are way wetter;
It’s water that’s floating my boat.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Allen Wilcox, Scott Crowder, Will T. Laughlin, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kevin Ahern:
It’s with sorrow I send you this note.
The repairmen has said and I quote,
“The TV’s in danger;
With no channel changer
Its recovery chance is remote.”
Fred Bortz:
Santorum is known to emote,
“First man-on-man, then man-on-goat!”
Said a goatherd named Thomas,
“If that is a promise,
Then Rick will be getting my vote!”
Brian Allgar:
The actress could never emote;
On the screen, she recited by rote.
But the girl was no slouch
On the old casting-couch,
So they chose her by popular vote.
Colleen Murphy:
My five-year old left us a note:
“I’m heading to places remote
Cause father and mother
You gave me a brother
And no one considered my vote.”
Allen Wilcox:
With chances of winning remote,
The head of the party took note,
“Put away all your tissues;
Can’t win on the issues,
So let’s try suppressing the vote.”
Scott Crowder:
I asked her last night and I quote,
“Where the hell is that fucking remote?”
It soon came to pass,
It’s so far up my ass,
I change channels by clearing my throat.
Will T. Laughlin:
We got in our vessel to float
Far away to an island remote
Where there’s no damned TV.
Hold it — who’s this I see?
Is that Gilligan? BACK TO THE BOAT!
Steve Whitred:
She said “Dear, we’ve become so remote,
And I fear on the nanny you dote.”
He said “Darling, I swear
I’ve not touched the Au Pair,
But I have been beguiled by the goat.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Kevin Ahern, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest | 4 Comments »
