Posts Tagged ‘Stephen Fleming’

Limerick-Off Award (297)

Saturday, May 12th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

It isn’t an absence of will
That makes pelicans gorge till they’re ill:
They acquired great fame
In the fish-catching game,
And they have to keep filling the bill.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BEAUTY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Oh, those contests! The Donald would feast
With his lecherous hands (at the least)
On each startled young cutie;
Each barely-clad beauty
Was grabbed by a waddling beast.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ira Bloom, Armchair Poet, Jean McEwen, Val Fish, Patrice Stewart, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, and Stephen Fleming. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BILL” RHYME DIVISION)

Ira Bloom:

“Do these jeans make my butt look big, Bill?”
Asked the wife, in a voice that was shrill.
“Not at all,” he replied,
In a tone that was snide,
“But you might want to lay off the krill.”

Armchair Poet:

On 5th Ave, with a gun, he could kill.
And his base would blame Hillary, still.
Trump’s affairs and assaults,
They just call minor faults.
Something MUCH worse was done first by Bill.

Jean McEwen:

Someone snorted cocaine for a thrill,
And left snot on this ten dollar bill.
I’m imploring you, honey,
Please launder the money.
Scrub it well, ’cause I’m feeling quite ill.

Val Fish:

The cigar trick had proved a great thrill.
It was all going well up until
He came on her dress,
A warm sticky mess,
But she saved on the dry cleaning bill.

Patrice Stewart:

Yvonne went prepared for it all:
Whip, stilettos, red lips, six feet tall.
Clients gasped at her skill,
Meekly paying the bill
On those evenings when she was on call.

Tim James:

For decades, O’Reilly’s big thrill
Was harassing the ladies, until
Fox figured it out.
Then they booted the lout.
’Twas one hell of an overdue Bill.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BEAUTY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

I’m wondering just what they think —
Those people who preen, primp and prink,
Who make it their duty
To spend cash on beauty,
Ignoring the fact that they stink.

Brian Allgar:

Said the Donald, “That girl was a beaut!
A Russian musician, so cute.
Though she played the viola,
Some good ol’ payola
Soon taught her to blow on my flute.”

Lisi Nortman:

Ms. Senior America’s soon,
And I want all the judges to swoon.
The winner will be
(And all must agree)
The gal who looks least like a prune.

Dave Johnson:

Her beauty is known far and wide;
So many have been by her side.
Majestic and tall,
She has welcomed them all;
Our symbol of national pride.

Armchair Poet:

A girl who starts out as a cutie,
And yearns to become a great beauty,
Must read Glamour and Elle,
Vogue and Harper’s as well;
A chore, but it’s really her duty.

Stephen B. Fleming:

Letitia, the loveliest lass,
Has a glorious bosom and ass.
Either coming or going,
Her best side is showing.
Take a gander; it’s truly first-class.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (297)

Limerick of the Week (222)

Sunday, July 19th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

“The whole gold-digging life’s a hard sell,
But for me it works out pretty well.
Some don’t like ‘old guy love,’
But when push comes to shove
And I bid them farewell, I fair well!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Stephen Fleming, Brian Allgar, Allen Wilcox, Johanna Richmond, and Pedro Poitevin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Dave Johnson:

A phone with a really hard shell
When dropped, may not do very well.
Perhaps they could place
It inside a foam case;
The market could use a soft cell.

Fred Bortz:

By the seashore, her shells surely sell,
And her business is doing so well
That her Yiddische Mama
Declares with much drama
“Oy, Shirley, you’re making me kvell!”

Stephen B. Fleming:

The Donald believes he can sell
Himself as the Chief — “Do Pray Tell.”
But his immigrant smear
Caused a corp’rate Bronx cheer.
So to much of his fortune, “Farewell.”

Brian Allgar:

Dubya reckoned the deal would be swell,
Even though it meant going to hell,
But the Devil just laughed;
“Buy your soul? Don’t be daft–
You don’t even have one to sell.”

Allen Wilcox:

As he passed through the hot gates of Hell,
The sounds within started to swell.
The pain in his ears
Nearly drove him to tears
From the ringing that came from each cell.

Johanna Richmond:

How I MISS life before Mr. Cell
And his wife, Mrs. Cell, came to dwell
In our home — when our link
Involved warm flesh and kink
And our texting thumbs boldly wore gel.

Pedro Poitevin:

Through a tunnel he dug in his cell,
El Chapo descended to hell
And offered the devil
A lower mid-level
Position within his cartel.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »

Limerick of the Week 215

Saturday, May 30th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Most lumberjacks, some say, are brutes,
Built for power from abs, pecs, and glutes.
But in math they do well.
Yes they truly excel.
Cutting logs, they compute all nth roots.

NOTE: I enjoyed the line 5 wordplay so much, that I violated my own general rule against limericks that may need an explanation. So if math humor makes you loggy, here’s Fred’s explanation:

For those who have forgotten or never learned logarithms, you can compute a square root by dividing the log of a number by two then finding the antilog of the result. Cube roots involve dividing the log by three. And in general, you can find the nth root by dividing the log by n.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Stephen Fleming, Kathy El-Assal, Kaye Roberts, and Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

Ten sailors were all in cahoots;
When on leave from their sea-going routes,
They would meet her to bang
As a nautical gang,
And they’d give her their ten-gun salutes.

Scott Crowder:

She never has colored her roots
Or toned-up her once perky fruits.
She’s more than okay
With her hair turning gray
And tucking her tits in her boots.

Colleen Murphy:

Said a carrot to tropical fruits,
“For sight we’re the favored recruits.”
But the kiwi replied,
“We’ve got C on our side.
So there! Now go back to your roots!”

Stephen Fleming:

I question a voter who roots
For the tally of feculent fruits
On the elephant ticket–
A baffling thicket
Of blustering arrogant suits.

Kathy El-Assal:

In Bayside, Mad put down her roots,
Then switched to word play from law suits.
Now Mark and his wife
Live a Queens-style life
With peons who bear pun-ish fruits.

Kaye Roberts:

A weight-lifter worked on his glutes.
His sinews were ropy, like roots.
Once skinny and fragile,
He’s not very agile,
But a mugger just looks, and then scoots.

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A Scotsman named Ian McKloots
Played bagpipes that skirled squawky toots.
Until one day at last,
With kilt at half-mast,
He disclosed all his Manly McRoots.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »

Limerick of the Week (209)

Saturday, April 18th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHANNON TUCKER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Shannon Tucker:

I begged of her, “Please let me stick
“My tongue deep inside it real quick.”
She replied with a wink,
“Of course!” and turned pink
Cotton candy t’ward me for a lick.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Stephen B. Fleming, Konrad Schwoerke, and Nate Levin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

If Jack wasn’t nimble or quick
When vaulting that flame-yielding stick,
He’d have damaged his pride,
Disappointed his bride,
And there’d be no Jack Junior or Nick.

Dave Johnson:

She met a new fella named Nick
Who wanted to show her a trick.
With a pill called Cialis,
His two-minute phallus
Turned into a four-hour stick.

Tim James:

A proton attempted a trick:
He pulled others close-in to him, thick.
That’s a problem, because
It breaks physical laws.
Not to worry: the charges won’t stick.

Brian Allgar:

I was proud of my magical trick,
And her clothes disappeared double-quick.
Then I pulled out my wand,
But she laughed, that young blonde,
At my minuscule conjurer’s stick.

Will T. Laughlin:

After shooting the bear, hunter Vic
Stood poking the beast with a stick.
What would happen, we said,
If it wasn’t quite dead?
And Vic replied, “Don’t be ridic–”

Stephen B. Fleming:

A reply to a hot, friendly chick
Who asked for ride to a flick
Was much misconstrued
And considered quite lewd
When I asked, “ Can you handle a stick?”.

Konrad Schwoerke:

There once was a caveman named Glick
Who in rage gave a tree a swift kick.
To the ground fell a bough
That he grabbed yelling, “Yow!
Dudes, come quick—me invented the stick!”

Nate Levin:

All that mud thrown at Hill, will it stick?
Is she raving, quite power-mad, sick?
Well with iron for skin,
Raining barbs won’t dig in–
She’s hard-baked to repel every brick!

Will T. Laughlin:

Poor Jack is too nimble and quick
Finding places his candle to stick.
Now his candle is burning…
He’s finally learning
Where not to be dipping his wick.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »

Limerick of the Week (208)

Saturday, April 4th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

They were sunbathing out on their deck,
Tanned all over, not wearing a speck.
Through binocular glasses
I ogled their asses,
And soon had a very stiff … neck.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Scott Crowder, Stephen Fleming, Dave Johnson, Kaye Roberts, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

The woman had wanted to deck
The fellow who wrote her a check.
“For one, I’m a looker,
But clearly no hooker
And two, that’s the price for a peck!”

Scott Crowder:

My right cheek is burning like heck.
It’s red all the way to my neck.
I misspoke a word,
Or perhaps she misheard
When I asked her to sit on my deck.

Stephen Fleming:

A captain was striving to check
His foundering seafaring trek,
As his mutinous crew
Formed a startling queue
To punch him out square on the deck.

Dave Johnson:

While out on a wilderness trek,
They’ll sleep on a cold, craggy deck.
But at home she will say
“I’m hurting today;
Our mattress is lumpy as heck!”

Kaye Roberts:

A gambler once salted the deck
With aces, thus risking his neck.
But he won all the cash
Which he put in his stash
And gen’rously picked up the check.

Will T. Laughlin:

Poor Cap’n Jack’s barge is a wreck:
He tried to say, “All hands on DECK…”
But the order that Jack sent
Was spoiled by his accent.
They thought he was saying… (oh, blecch!)

Old Cap’n Jack’s eyes, they grew large
When he saw what went on in his barge.
I’m told upon landing
The misunderstanding
Resulted in seaman discharge.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick of the Week (208)

Limerick of the Week (77)

Sunday, September 2nd, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Bill Klein who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A farm wife was peeved at her mate
And his personal hygiene of late.
The stench so extended,
The pigs were offended
And threatened to move out of state.

Congratulations to Jim Delaney who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman was peeved at her mate,
So she packed all his stuff in a crate
In the dark before dawn,
Set it out on the lawn,
And abandoned it all to its fate.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Richard Diakun, Stephen Fleming, Johanna Richmond, Jim Sullivan, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, and Bruce Niedt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Richard Diakun:

A woman was peeved at her mate,
Who thought when she said she was late
That all of their lovin’
Left one in the oven,
Instead of her plane at the gate.

Stephen Fleming:

A woman was peeved at her mate
For constantly putting on weight.
But “the bigger the cushion,
The better the pushin’,”
He said as he cleaned off his plate.

Johanna Richmond:

A woman’s been peeved at her mate
Since their date back in seventy eight
When a finger of rum
Shot his plan not to come;
Now she rues the words “I’ll take it straight.”

Jim Sullivan:

A woman was peeved with her mate,
An actor who loved to orate.
She said, “Clint, if you dare
Yell at one more damn chair,
Pack your bags, and I’ll show you the gate!”

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A woman was peeved that her mate
Spent their cash at a scandalous rate.
“It isn’t the cars
Or the Cuban cigars;
It’s the tips for the strippers I hate!”

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

A husky was peeved at a mate.
He growled, “She’s not pulling her weight.
I was shocked at the sight
As she crept out last night
And went with a Wolf on a date!”

Bruce Niedt:

A woman was peeved at her mate,
A Saudi oil-rich potentate:
“We had a big fight
‘Cos he’s drilling tonight,
But by that he means wife number eight!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »