Posts Tagged ‘Rudy Landesman’
Saturday, March 5th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
What a beautiful voice, but egad!
She’s so dull that it makes me feel sad.
When she endlessly drones
In those sweet dulcet tones
It’s like “Dancing Queen” played on a Strad.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special REJECTION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
When big Jack said “Let’s Wed” I said “Yup.”
We agreed to forego the prenup.
I should’ve knocked back
Those advances from Jack
But I didn’t, and now I’m knocked up.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DRONES”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Linda A. C. Fuller:
A speaker who mumbles and drones
Will be greeted with hisses and moans
From an audience mainly
Comprised of ungainly
Glass housers who shouldn’t throw stones.
Terry Marter:
The night-show of bright swarming drones
Was wiped out by a storm, amid groans.
Parents cursed ‘Fuck you God’
On their wet homeward plod
While their kids looked up ‘Fuck’ on their phones.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Some people still say they don’t care
About noises that buzz in the air
From those ear-splitting drones
Which rattle my bones.
It’s more peaceful to sleep at O’Hare.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Which is worse — a new suitor who drones
On and on about stuff that he owns,
Or an old one who drums
With his thumbs while he hums
Strange renditions of hits by The Stones?
Tim James:
Tom the deviant currently owns
High-def vid cams that fly on his drones.
He was peeping at Dawn
Till her brother caught on.
Tom’s now sporting a few broken bones.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve heard buzz that some honey bee drones
Can have trysts (even though they lack bones.)
Should a queen bee fly by,
They will take to the sky
In pursuit of erogenous zones.
Mark Totterdell:
If the sounds of loud squeals, honks and groans
And unmusical wavering drones
Aren’t appealing to you,
Then the best thing to do
Is to not buy your children trombones.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (REJECTION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Rejected from Harvard? But why?
I’m such an intelligent guy!
I’ve read poems and prose,
Like “The Sun Also Rose”
And my fav’rite was “Pitcher On Rye.”
Fred Bortz:
Dear Author, Your work I decline,
Though I love every nuance and line.
It’s sexy and funny,
And we pay good money,
But not for our readers, age nine.
Rudy Landesman:
I thought we were great, when in bed.
I loved her and wanted to wed.
Now I can’t understand;
When I asked for her hand,
She gave me the finger instead.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
No one laughed at my yarns at my school.
They rejected my puns, as a rule.
So to cover my hurt
I embroidered a shirt
With big letters that read, “This Is Crewel!”
Bob Turvey:
Said his doc to a fellow called Hewish,
“Your heart’s effed – and that’s why you’re bluish.
But this pig heart is new;
I can give it to you.”
“I’ll reject it,” said Hewish. “I’m Jewish.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A young student done-in by pre med,
Thought he’d ace aeronautics instead.
He said, “I’ll make my bones
By mastering drones!”
But the subject was over his head.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, February 5th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A mathematician cried “Blast!
The age that I’ve reached now is vast.
I’ve lived through such time
That I’m well past my prime.
Eighty-nine is the prime that I’m past!”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special ACCUSATIONS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I pressed the “Dissatisfied” button
And signed it as “Unhappy glutton.”
“What you sold me’s a scam;
Though it’s labelled ‘Spring Lamb,’
From the taste, it is elderly mutton.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sondra Landin, Quarante Quelque Chose, Gennadiy Gurariy, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Wildman, Rudy Landesman, Terry Marter, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRIME”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Since her wisecracks and punchlines were glib,
Eve could poke with a joke (or ad-lib.)
And any old time,
The target most prime
Would be Adam — so easy to rib.
Tim James:
The dish she was planning was prime:
Grade-A beef, marinated in lime,
Parsley, rosemary, sage.
Then it needed to age.
But it failed, ’cause she ran out of thyme.
Byron Miller:
Europeans once found it hysterical
When science said Earth may be spherical.
Ancient Greeks in their prime
Had known this for some time,
Though Columbus would call it Americal.
Lisi Nortman:
I’m the only man here; it’s sublime.
And at 90, I’m still in my prime.
The “Ladies of Gray”
Just can’t stay away.
I keep begging them, “One at a Time!”
Sondra Landin:
I admit that I’m way past my prime;
For that, I blame nothing but time.
My wits are still keen
And I do vent my spleen –
Why the hell can’t I write a great rhyme?
Quarante Quelque Chose:
A primate called Kate turned to crime
With pickpocket skills used part-time.
She spent all her gains
On nuts and plantains…
And now stars in a movie on Prime.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
“Our lives,” spoke the sevens, “are fun,
For nobody under the sun
Has committed the crime
Of dividing a prime,
Unless, of course, you are The One!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ACCUSATIONS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
I confronted him, flushed and irate,
And accused him of bedding my mate.
He said, “That’s a damned lie;
I’m an ethical guy!
Besides… she just isn’t that great.”
Jean McEwen:
When he asks where I’ve been, I reply,
“Why, at church!” He then counters, “You lie!”
Could it be that my cover
For trysts with my lover
Is failing ’cause hubby’s a spy?
Lisi Nortman:
The perception that “hubby” imparts
Is false. (I’m the one with the smarts.)
He blames our Maltese
For cutting the cheese.
Yet he’s the one blowing the farts.
Dave Johnson:
The passenger wouldn’t refrain:
His anti-mask rants were profane.
So back to the gates
Where the F.B.I. waits;
For actions he’ll have to ex-plane.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I was meaning to look up “J’accuse,”
When instead I succumbed to a snooze.
But from all I can glean
As to what it might mean,
It’s a French word for “Trump’s in the news.”
Wildman:
It appeared on my arm in a flash
And my bold accusation was brash.
“Poison oak from your yard
Has me scratching and scarred!”
Neighbor Ned claimed my judgment was rash.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
Whenever I’m blamed or accused,
It truthfully leaves me confused.
My conscience is clean
In fact, it’s pristine-
The damn thing has never been used.
Rudy Landesman:
He goosed her when nobody looked.
She complained, and he duly was booked.
He now stews in jail
And tells his sad tale:
“Had some fun, but my goose now is cooked.”
Terry Marter
The defendant, all battered and bruised,
Denies crimes of which he’s been accused.
Now he’s caught and in court,
Claiming street fights are sport,
Cuz the crowd (placing bets) were amused.
Rudy Landesman:
The hick was grammatically crude.
He was also possessive, that dude.
She, a true New York native,
Didn’t want to be dative.
She was in accusative mood.
Steve Benko:
Said Donald, “I can’t stand rejection,
So I claim that they stole the election.
But I’m still loved by Putin,
And soon, sure as shootin’,
In Moscow I’ll have an erection.”
Dave Johnson:
“I know what you’re up to” she said,
The moment he crawled into bed.
“Those things on your phone
When you think you’re alone
Wind up in my archive instead.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Gennadiy Gurariy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Quarante Quelque Chose, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Wildman, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (488)
Saturday, January 22nd, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
When his “urges” became more resurgent,
Certain pleas to his wife grew more urgent:
“Now that I’m growing old,
I will need to get bold…”
So she bought him a box of detergent.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INJURY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The hitch-hiker’s feeling quite glum,
And he thinks that it may have been dumb –
Stuck his hand out too fast
As a lorry shot past.
Now he’s waving goodbye to his thumb.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Mark Totterdell Sue Dulley, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Bob Turvey, Byron Miller, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Doug Harris, Wildman, Steve Benko, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, David Friedman, Daisy Hyrkas, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BOLD or BOWLED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INJURY-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
A critic, – audacious and bold,
Said my rhymes were all corny and old.
He is now on the floor
With my large Volume Four, –
There’s some blood, and his body’s quite cold.
Mark Totterdell:
To eat a blue cheese, truth be told,
Is an action both risky and bold.
It could lead to your doom,
As that stuff you consume
Is old cow-juice all shot through with mold.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOLD or BOWLED”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
I put on my jacket and strolled
Past the lawn where the lawn-bowlers bowled.
I won’t join their sport
Because life is too short
And I’m not yet sufficiently old.
Kirk Miller:
The magazine’s concept was bold.
Origami designs would be sold.
But subscribers were few,
So the publisher knew
After only one issue, they’d fold.
Tim James:
A publisher’s wife had grown cold
And turned into a bit of a scold.
Did he push back? No way.
It’s a pity to say
That only his typeface is bold.
Roger Haugen:
Said the ram to his pal, “I’ve been told
There’s a flock of hot girls in that fold;
Why screw just one ewe?
I’m up for a few–
No time to be sheepish, but bold!”
Bob Turvey:
No – they can’t replace heroes of old,
Like Fleming. So clever. So bold.
It must have been thrillin’
To find penicillin –
After making him God broke the mould.
Terry Marter:
I dreamt that my lims had all sold,
For their wit and their style oh so bold.
Then awoke minus smile
As my eyes caught the pile, –
All withered and gathering mould.
Byron Miller:
I can’t count all the games that I’ve bowled
In these shoes now all moldy and holed.
But, a buyer I’ll catch
If I glue on a patch;
Time to get them resoled and resold.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Lady Longhorn, one hundred years old,
Breathed her last as her lover took hold.
He, not noticing this,
Said, when planting a kiss,
“Why so cold, if I may be so bold?”
Tim James:
The gal was especially bold.
Of my hands she had taken firm hold
And pressed both to her breast.
I then made a request:
“May I take a brief rest?” (God I’m old.)
Lisi Nortman:
I have frightening feelings of dread.
And unsettling thoughts in my head.
What’s more, I am old.
But today I was bold.
And actually got out of bed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INJURY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
I am secretly pleased that the limb
That I injured today at the gym
Needs a rest, cause truth told,
I’m decrepit and old
And this spandex look’s getting quite grim.
Doug Harris:
There’s many a tendon I’ve nursed
And how often I’ve landed head-first.
But likely dismissed
From the injury list –
A bruised ego is prob’ly the worst!
Terry Marter:
He was proud to be known far and wide
For the lions that lived by his side.
One day (on their whim)
He was torn limb from limb,
But none of it injured his pride.
Wildman:
In my Oculus world of illusion
I selected the game called ‘Confusion.’
Oh, I scored pretty well
Till I spun and then fell;
A new level achieved, called ‘Contusion.’
Steve Benko:
“Are you injured? Hire me, and we’ll sue!”
Said the billboard in red, white, and blue.
“The American way
Is to make someone pay;
You’ll get rich, and your lawyer will, too!”
Dave Johnson:
A porn film director named Rob
Was known for the insults he’d lob.
One time, way back when,
He kept yelling at Ken
For limping along on the job.
Roger Haugen:
The mugger cried out: “No more, please!”
As he cowered in pain on his knees;
He was soft in the head,
Or maybe brain-dead,
To think he could injure Louise.
David Friedman:
There once was a fellow named Gore
Whose nuts got shot off in the war.
He said, “Have no fears,
I’m married 10 years
So don’t really need ’em no more.”
Daisy Hyrkas:
I’ve chopped up my wrists with a knife,
But still I am clinging to life.
I’m clutching the note
That I angrily wrote,
Placing all of the blame on my wife.
Rudy Landesman:
Oh meter! Oh meter! Oh meter!
You’re sloppy. You stumble. You teeter
All over the place
And fall flat on your face.
You MUST mind your feet to be neater.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Wildman, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (487)
Saturday, December 25th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I have frown lines too old to erase
From that place where they’re taking up space.
If I cut down on strife,
And say “no” to the knife,
I’ll save money. (Too late to save face).
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special FISH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A tuna whose name was Raúl
Wouldn’t run with a crowd, as a rule.
Off alone on a lark,
He fell prey to a shark.
Here’s the lesson: don’t drop out of school.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Mark Totterdell, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, James Mac Hale, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Steve Benko, Tony Holmes, Fred Bortz, Lorraine Padden, Rudy Landesman, David Friedman, Roger Haugen, and Gennadiy Gurariy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SPACE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FISH-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
The fresh Plaice, placed on ice in a crate
Were still jumping and hard to placate.
I raced to that space,-
Grabbed a Plaice (and a Dace)
And an ace Hollandaise for my plate.
Sharon Neeman:
Said the boss to the fish-seller, “Todd,
Your damn cat just scarfed up all the cod,
Herring, whiting and plaice
That we had in this space!
Take her home or I’ll deck you, by God!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPACE”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Mark Totterdell:
Although there were those who would knock it,
And a few who would openly mock it,
Jeff was shot into space
With a smile on his face
In his massive great cock of a rocket.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
As a student, Josh seemed out of place.
You could tell by the look on his face.
But he’d read any comic
with themes astronomic.
He’s in college now, taking up space.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
An MRI tube’s a cool place.
You can ask for some piano with bass.
But don’t start to groove
Cuz they won’t let you move,
And it clearly has limited space.
Terry Marter:
Drunk one night, he had found a warm space
For a nap (in a chook breeding place).
Then up came the sun
And in more ways than one
He’d awoken with egg on his face.
James Mac Hale:
Blitzen’s teaching the reindeer to brace
When they’re landing in limited space:
“To alight on the roof
You must dig in your hoof,
Or expect Rudolf’s butt in your face!”
Dave Johnson:
When zillionaires blast into space,
One question – so why the big chase?
Does leaving this earth
Help them showcase their worth
To hustle some alien race?
Terry Marter:
A Big Bang! A Black Hole, and much Hissing
(Understand it’s not Einstein I’m dissing),
But you cannot see space
(Though it’s right in your face),
So how can you tell if it’s missing?
James Mac Hale:
I’m named Mars, I’m soliciting Venus.
When gravity pulls on my penis
I say “Let us embrace
In our orbital space
And have asteroids flying between us.”
Tim James:
As we humans move out into space,
We may find it’s a wonderful place:
Ev’ry world full of life,
Free of hatred and strife.
(We’ll set phasers on kill, just in case.)
Steve Benko:
Once John Glenn went around us in space,
JFK said, “With Russia let’s race.
Is the moon made of cheese?
Let’s find out. And now please,
Miss Monroe, come and sit on my face.”
Tony Holmes:
Modern misses defending their space
Should give thanks to the makers of Mace.
Nothing says, “I said no
And I meant it. Please go!”
Like a pepper-spray jet in the face.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FISH-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
Don’t you think it’s the slightest bit odd
That E-pisca-pals worship a god
That resembles some fish
And tastes so delish?
Yes it’s true. I am swearing to Cod!
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“Our Special’s a wonderful dish.
It will answer your fine-dining wish.
The chef’s gone all out
To spruce up the trout,
So you won’t know you’re eating a fish.”
Lorraine Padden:
“A dogfish is really a shark,”
He tells me with no lack of snark.
“If you think it’ll fetch,
You’ll most likely kvetch
’Cuz its bite is much worse than its bark.”
Rudy Landesman:
You accuse me of being quite oafish,
Because I refuse to eat blowfish.
From all that I hear
Some are poisonous, dear.
For my dish, I would wish to have no fish.
David Friedman:
Remember the fish they called Wanda?
Starring Curtis and Kline (but not Fonda).
In the end, Kevin Kline
On Wanda would dine,
A truly unfortunate shanda.
Mark Totterdell:
When chilling with Steve, my pet stickleback,
I’d tickle his fins, he would tickle back,
Then he’d wiggle each spine,
Of which he had nine,
To the post-grungey music of Nickelback.
Roger Haugen:
It’s always my number-one wish
When fishing, to catch a big fish;
I’m hooked in the weeds,
While the osprey succeeds
In grabbing a fresh tasty dish.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When my Rev gave me cod in a dish,
He said, “Eat it all now, if you wish.”
Then he showed me some gear —
Rods and reels (and a spear!)
And I prayed, “Please don’t teach me to fish!”
Tim James:
Two piranhas, named Kevin and Kate,
Made their way down a stream, where they ate.
Then they had a big row.
Kate said, “Don’t have a cow!”
Kevin grinned as he answered, “Too late!”
David Friedman:
There once was an old fish named Sid
Who loved the aquarium lid.
When he was asked why,
“I’ve just,” he would sigh
“Loved tank tops since I was a kid.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Rod takes fish from my dish when we dine,
But he pays for both meals, so it’s fine.
I put up with this blunder,
But doesn’t he wonder
Why I never say, “Your plaice or mine?”
Gennadiy Gurariy:
There once was a cat with a wish-
To learn how to swim with the fish.
He fervidly swore
It was just to explore
While gently caressing his dish.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Gennadiy Gurariy, James Mac Hale, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Lorraine Padden, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Advice Humor & Poems, Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (485)
Saturday, December 11th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A rude nude in a mood, lewd and crude,
Stalked a dude who she thought should be wooed.
But the dude, who’s a prude,
Did not want to be screwed,
Or (for that matter) stalked, so he sued.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CRIME-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“Though we’re poor, let’s get married,” said Nate.
“We’ll pinch pennies and save. Let’s not wait!”
Then he boosted her car,
Though he didn’t get far.
Now he’s doing a nickel upstate.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Michael Moulton, David Friedman, Rudy Landesman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“Your advances, good Sir, are too crude.
Now, pray do not think me a prude,
But you’ll be out of luck
If you say “Babe, let’s fuck!” –
I prefer to be tastefully wooed.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Once a turkey snood’s viewed, prob’ly you’d
Then allude to the fact it looks crude.
But the hot-to-trot hen
On the prowl for fowl men,
Would say, “Tom’s the right dude for my brood.”
Mark Totterdell:
I hope that, with skill and with luck,
This rhyme won’t descend into muck
With a word that is crude
And offensive and rude
At the end of the fifth line. Oh fuck!
Roger Haugen:
Said the hooker, “You think that it’s lewd,
To spend so much time getting screwed?
For me, to be chaste
Would be a big waste–
Just look at the cash I’ve accrued.”
Kirk Miller:
A biologist tried to feed streusel
To a panda; was met with refusal.
The bear spurned the food
’Cause the offer was crude.
He found pandas are hard to bamboozle.
Bob Turvey:
A hungry young child in a cot
Used to pick at its nose quite a lot.
Said its mother, “How crude.
D’you think that stuff’s food?”
“I know,” said the child, “That it’s not.”
Dave Johnson:
Her method’s unfailingly shrewd;
She will say something naughty and crude.
That’s how it begins,
As seductiveness wins.
When lewd sets the mood, then you’re screwed.
Tim James:
In the oil patch she’s done ev’ry dude,
And with many base traits she’s imbued.
Other gals there are kind,
Thoughtful, smart, and refined,
But not her. She’s called “West Texas Crude.”
Brian Allgar:
“That skylark is raucous and crude,”
Complained Shelley. “It’s ruined my mood,
So I’ll trap and de-plume it,
And then I’ll consume it –
But should it be roasted, or stewed?”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Over years, through my tears, I’ve accrued
Female vocals in great plenitude.
So at Christmas (it’s silly)
I always play Billie
To get into the Holiday mood.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CRIME-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
I said “Let’s rob a bank” to my gang.
They replied “Are you MAD!? We could hang.”
They were quite right of course,
All we had was a horse
And toy gun with a flag that said BANG!
Lisi Nortman:
The burglars barged in; they were tough.
Their voices were scary and gruff.
They used filthy expressions.
And stole my possessions…
Then replaced them with up-to-date stuff.
Dave Johnson:
A wrecking ball known as The Donald
Demolished the party of Ronald.
It happened each time
He committed a crime;
Then had his impeachment McConnelled.
Mike Moulton:
A kid with an AR-15
And a loaded hi-cap magazine,
Said, “Who doesn’t bring
A gun to a thing,
Where a protestor might well be mean?”
Lisi Nortman:
We drove through the border with speed.
Then the guard yelled, “You must not proceed!
“Any firearms, knives,
That could harm people’s lives?”
We answered, “How much do you need?”
David Friedman:
Venus could see the Feds nearing
The moment she dropped her damn earring.
In her racquet it nested,
So she was arrested;
The crime was, of course, racketeering.
Rudy Landesman:
When Paris abducted fair Helen,
The Greeks, to a man, all were yellin’:
“That’s a crime in our book!”
But they all failed to look;
’Twas love that those foolish kids fell in.
Mark Totterdell:
It’s no wonder I acted quite stroppily
When accused of a life led improperly.
Yes, there’s truth in the tale
That I spent time in jail,
But it was in a game of Monopoly.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
As a cop, my old man is no honey;
He’s so righteous, it’s not even funny.
I’ll throw pants in the wash
Without checking for dosh,
And he’ll bust me for laundering money.
Dave Johnson:
He wanted to set up a tryst
With one who had barely been kissed.
The meeting was set;
And that’s how he met
A vice cop he couldn’t resist.
Rudy Landesman:
It’s a mystery! Still makes me brood.
Tell me who murdered young Edwin Drood.
’Cause as the plot thickens,
The author, Charles Dickens,
Just went off and died. That was rude.
Jean McEwen:
When you purchase a gun for your son
And he then offs his schoolmates for fun,
Please do not act surprised
When you’re roundly despised
And find out you’ve got nowhere to run.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
At a Mystery Night meet-and-greet,
Where we “crime-solvers” eat and compete,
For being the winner,
I got a free dinner.
The real mystery, though, was the meat.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Mike Moulton, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, November 13th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A musically gifted Italian
Was a farmer who won a medallion
For a novel technique
Of marketing leek,
Which earned him the title “rapscallion.”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special COMPLAINT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A couple were bitchin’ and moanin’
That airplanes they’d recently flown in
Had rest rooms so cramped
That they thoroughly damped
Expectations of aerial bonin’.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Diane Groothuis, Bob Turvey, Dane Paulsen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Christine Frier, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, David Friedman, Mark Totterdell, and Gennadiy Gurariy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LEAK or LEEK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COMPLAINT LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
My toilet continues to leak,
And the neighbours complain of the reek.
But the plumber can’t come,
He has broken his thumb,
So we’re calling our bathroom “Shit Creek.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEAK or LEEK”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Roger Haugen:
A camper on break took a leak
In an outhouse made wholly of teak;
He finished his whizz–
“What a nice place this is!”
And stayed there the rest of the week.
Diane Groothuis:
A woman whose taste was unique,
Collected all objects antique.
While in Paris she got
A crystal piss pot,
So she now takes a leak in Lalique.
Bob Turvey:
A woman who fancied a Greek,
Stole into his garden last week.
He said, “I can see
You are taking a pea.”
And she said, “No. I’m taking a leek.”
Dane Paulsen:
My mustache is wide and quite thick,
So the corners aren’t easy to lick.
When it’s freezing and bleak
And my nose starts to leak,
My stache-cycles hang past my dick.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
It’s true, I can’t swallow a leek;
It could stay in my mouth for a week.
This practice is fine
When in private I dine,
But in public, it takes too much cheek.
Brian Allgar:
Our cat ate my goldfish, the sneak!
But I fooled the damned pussy this week.
She caught one again,
Took one bite, yowled with pain –
I’d bought a glass fish by Lalique.
Lisi Nortman:
For vichyssoise, here’s my technique:
Potatoes, of course, at their peak.
Chicken broth and some cream,
Then imagine a stream
To remember you must add a leek.
Brian Allgar:
I was making some bubble-and-squeak,
When my wife said “I wish you would speak
In a less vulgar way!”
I had happened to say
“There’s no cabbage – I’ll just take a leek.”
Terry Marter:
As the planet gets hotter each summer,
Pollies spew CO2 and seem dumber.
It’s the bullshit they speak,
While they silently leak
More methane. We’re doomed!– What a bummer!
Mark Totterdell:
Cock-a-Leekie’s no cause for submission
To the care of a trusted clinician.
It’s a soup that’s unique,
Made from chicken and leek,
Not an older man’s penile condition.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Upon testing the broth, Chef cried, “Eek!
Who among you has made my soup reek?!”
When the whole stinking mess
Then got spilled to the press,
Although pressed, none confessed to the leek.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (COMPLAINTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
A concupiscent woman named Trask
Took her clueless young boyfriend to task:
“You don’t know very much
About where you should touch.
If you need some directions, just ask!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When a guy likes to argue and wrangle
Over topics too vague to untangle,
If he claims his mystique
Stems from being oblique,
You can bet he’s a guy with an angle.
Dave Johnson:
She said to the manager, Shane:
“I am not really one to complain,
But your wait-staffer spilled
As my wine glass was filled;
And gave me the look of this stain.”
Christine Frier:
To get an appointment, it’s weeks?
My body has creaks, and it squeaks.
The complaint that’s the worst,
I should have said first.
That e-ver-y orifice leaks!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A stoic was hit by a train,
Then dragged through the rain by a chain,
Limbs askew, black and blue,
He was asked “How are you?”
His simple reply: “Can’t complain.”
Rudy Landesman:
My beagle named Bagel won’t fetch.
She’s just a cantankerous wretch.
All day in the park
She’ll sit there and bark.
Oy vey! Where’d that bitch learn to kvetch?
Lisi Nortman:
Thanksgiving is coming; it’s wise
To avoid all those real yummy pies.
If you don’t, you will whine,
“Though the sweets were divine,
They seem to have fused with my thighs.”
Terry Marter:
“I’m a man of few words: You’re a HON!
Let’s have sex now – I want you – a ton!”
After one moment’s pause
She said “My place or yours?”
He said “Quibbling!? – Forget it! – I’m Done!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Trick or Treat” at our neighborhood coven
Is the day for their annual love-in.
But one hitch makes me bitch —
It’s that witch with the glitch
Always itching to light up the oven.
Tony Holmes:
“I am loath to complain…, but here goes:
I object to you picking your nose.
Avoid contact with snout
When you’re peeling a sprout,
And the same holds for picking your toes.”
David Friedman:
A sad married couple from Sonnet
Sought couns’ling to do work upon it:
“I know,” the man said,
“Her complaint is in bed,
But I can’t put my finger quite on it.”
Terry Marter, for his “Philosophical Physics Test”
An imagin’ry eel’s dropped in batter:
Find displacement and calculate spatter.
Don’t ‘Ethics’ appeal.
This eel isn’t real;
It will writhe and will reel, – but won’t “matter.”
Gennadiy Gurariy:
The complaint is an art and a science,
A lackluster form of defiance.
So go find your victim,
Deliver your dictum,
Then pester him into compliance.
Rudy Landesman:
I’d booked an exotic vacation
At a gay S&M destination.
But damn! What a bummer!
They shut down last summer.
Gotta settle for self-flagellation.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Christine Frier, Dane Paulsen, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Diane Groothuis, Gennadiy Gurariy, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, October 30th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this limerick and its unusually clever use of homonyms:
Willie the Wharf is in tiers.
He’s been dammed for the rest of his years.
No longer a dock,
He’ll be kept under lock
By a jury of all of his piers.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special LIMB-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Said Adam, “Lord, be a good egg
And give me a woman, I beg.”
God replied, “I can try,
But the price will be high –
She will cost you an arm and a leg.”
“Well, I don’t need some posh memsahib,
And she mustn’t support Women’s Lib.
But I just can’t afford
To lose two limbs, dear Lord,
So what could I get for a rib?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Sondra Landin, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Steve Benko, Doug Harris, Mark Totterdell, Sally Rosoff, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Diane Groothuis, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DOCK or DOC”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
While looking for ducks off my dock,
You’ll see turtles, both real ones and mock,
And not too much later
You may see a ’gator!
I promise, this isn’t a croc.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
An annoyed, anti-Freud kind of Doc,
Said my Oedipus Complex was schlock.
“You’ll never get happy
By marrying Pappy.
This fixation is pure poppycock!”
Terry Marter:
You stand to be judged in my dock
For indecently flashing your cock.
While I’m not a condoner
Of pervs with a boner
I DO like the style of your frock.
Sondra Landin:
An imposing fine figure, my doc;
He is thorough and caring – my rock.
When those five words I hear –
“Come see me next year,”
I think “Whew, not yet time to take stock!”
Bob Turvey:
“Hydrocephalus,” said an old Dane,
“Is a head full of water and pain.
To drain it, a doc
Transplanted my cock.
But now I have sex on the brain.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Lost my laptop, my job — I’m in hock.
Even Hightail, my dog, took a walk.
My canoe’s in the slough,
And my paycheck’s gone, too.
Now I haven’t one thing left to dock.
Sue Dulley:
I cooked some chow mein in my wok
Using two kinds of choy – pak and bok –
And some fungi I found
In the woods on the ground,
Now I’m dying to talk to my doc.
Tim James:
They won’t listen to Fauci the doc;
COVID science they cluelessly mock.
Get the jab? Wear a mask?
That’s just too much to ask!
What they’re full of they spew by the crock.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Said a clown to his shrink, “I’ve a block,
And sound fuddier each time I talk.”
Urged the psych with a poke,
“So then let’s hear a joke.”
“Okay!” Cried the comic, “Doc Doc…”
Brian Allgar:
I had opened a vintage Medoc;
My first glass was a terrible shock.
My precious old red
Was a fraud, for instead,
It was nothing but watery hock!
Steve Benko:
“The Titanic is leaving the dock;
To believe it could sink is a crock,”
Said the captain. A clue,
Though, alarmed the whole crew,
For the man had a hole in his sock.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIMB-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Doug Harris:
I tripped on a simple tent peg:
Broke ankle and wrist, now I beg
For your limberick vote
For this punchline I wrote –
Coz it’s cost me an arm and a leg!
Tim James:
Want a lim about limbs? Here you are:
She has legs like a hot movie star,
Firmly muscled and tanned.
Oh, I bet they’d feel grand
Wrapped around me (no luck there so far.)
Mark Totterdell:
I had to return my pet starfish,
It was truly a well below par fish.
It had met with some harm
And had only one arm
Out of five, which is not even halfish.
Sally Rosoff:
He bragged about skill unsurpassed,
As a climber – we watched, all aghast.
The mistake made by him?
Going out on a limb.
Now he’s walking around in a cast.
Rudy Landesman:
The defendant walked out of the court
With a laugh and a sneer and a snort.
As he had predicted,
He was not convicted.
The long arm of the law was too short.
Jean McEwen:
I prefer that not all the world see
Every limb of my family tree
Because not too far out
You’ll find many a lout.
(In fact, one is my dad – first degree.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder, for her “The First Garden?”
In a tree, as serene as a chapel,
As the sun on its leaves paints a dapple,
A lone man on a limb
Hears a girl call to him —
“Hey, Stupid-head, bring me an apple!”
Terry Marter:
His new Guillotine’s gone to his head,
Cost an arm and a leg (so he said.)
He expected a slice
To be cut off the price.
Now he’s still very much in the red.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Dad was shot. Lost his legs. Had the blues.
But he smiled when he read last week’s news:
“Here at ‘Wooden Leg Mart’
Come today, if you’re smart.
Buy the legs, and we’ll throw in the shoes.”
Diane Groothuis:
When her boyfriend got down on one knee,
It sure was a fine sight to see.
He looked up at the sky
And then told her why:
“In my sock there’s a troublesome flea.”
Dave Johnson:
They said she went out on a limb;
Predicted her chances were slim.
Since “they” were all males,
This is one of those tales
With a “her” outperforming a “him.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Diane Groothuis, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sally Rosoff, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (481)
Saturday, October 16th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
White priv’lege has gone to my head:
I eat mayo on white bread in bed.
I’m renowned for my wealth
And enjoy vibrant health;
What’s my secret, you ask? I’m white-bred.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special SELF-CONTROL-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The sensation is driving me mad!
What a feeling, – so good yet so bad.
It’s coming on strong,
Can’t hold it for long.
Oh Yes – YES! It’s the best sneeze I’ve had.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Gennadiy Gurariy, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Terry Marter, Bob Turvey, Roger Haugen, Jesse Levy, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BREAD/BRED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SELF-CONTROL LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
“Since they tell me I’m quite overfed,
I’m determined to diet,” he said.
“Though I’ll still eat by tons
Greasy burgers and buns,
I shall make myself give up stale bread.”
Gennadiy Gurariy:
The carbs that are lurking in bread
Admittedly fill me with dread.
I once tried to veto
The strictures of keto,
But ended up breaking the bed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BREAD or BRED”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
That gal is well read and well bred.
She’d never (she said) be caught dead
With a book that was porn.
She dismissed those with scorn.
She’d watch X-rated movies instead.
Kirk Miller:
Our baker’s a man of renown
Who’s awarded the bread-making crown.
All the judges have said
That his prize-winning bread
Is superb. It’s the toast of the town.
Tim James:
Said the scion, so suave and well-bred,
To his lady: “It’s time that we wed.
I’ll be needing a mare
To provide me an heir.”
So she did what she had to. She fled.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
At the bakery, Crumb Bros & Sons,
Female bakers were treated like nuns.
“All the brothers,” gals said,
“When they’re testing our bread,
Make a habit of squeezing our buns.”
Lisi Nortman:
I used to call Johnny a “sleaze”
Cuz he constantly begged for “Trapeze.”
Since I’m very well-bred,
One night in our bed,
I agreed cuz he fin’ly said, “please.”
Ken Gosse:
My parents both look like each other.
Their parents were sister and brother.
My kids were inbred
In my own sibling’s bed,
Like we learned from our father and mother.
Brian Allgar:
“Beware of that woman!” they said
To the baker who hoped to be wed.
“She just happens to know
That you’re rolling in dough –
She’s a gold-digger, after your bread.”
Terry Marter
The seagulls all perched on the shed,
Set for dive-bombing many a head.
Then Jonathan said
“See that woman in red?
Don’t crap on her; she’s got the bread.”
Bob Turvey:
There was a young lady named Flo,
Whose boyfriend said, “Women can’t throw.”
So she threw at his head,
A loaf of stale bread;
But she missed and she fractured her toe.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
This appeal from my doctor sufficed
To reveal his advice over-priced:
“Cut down on your bread.”
That’s all that he said.
And I had to explain, “It comes sliced.”
Tim James:
She employed him to help her make bread,
But his nature she badly misread.
She found out that the oaf
Would consistently loaf.
“I’ve no knead for this goof-off,” she said.
Roger Haugen:
“My family’s extremely well-bred,”
He smirked with a toss of his head;
When a DNA test
Put that fiction to rest,
He keeled over in shock and fell dead.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SELF-CONTROL-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Gennadiy Gurariy:
If life is indeed like a box
Full of chocolate, it ought to have locks,
Or I know what I’ll get:
Upset stomach, regret,
Chocolate stains and intestinal blocks.
Tony Holmes:
Those who advocate strict self-control
Are a miserable lot, on the whole.
Not for them the delights
Of those drink sodden nights,
Or the head hanging over the bowl.
Lisi Nortman:
I wanted to be so much thinner,
My plan? It sure wasn’t a winner:
For breakfast and lunch,
A salad to munch.
Then loss of control for my dinner.
Jesse Levy
I really can’t stop my loud crying
Because of my profligate buying.
It sure isn’t funny
’Cause I’m out of money…
But at least I own all I’ve been eyeing.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Said my sneaky, (yet lovable) spouse:
“I’ve ordered just one pretty blouse.”
“Oh really?” said I.
“Then please tell me why
Eve’ry day there’s a box in the house.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
If shooting yourself is your goal,
Then before you get ready to roll,
As you suck your cheeks in,
Also cover your chin.
It’s called practicing selfie control.
Dave Johnson:
He thought that they should, though she wouldn’t;
Her feeling was “could, but we shouldn’t.”
Their evening spent,
She began to relent;
And told him they would…then he couldn’t.
Steve Benko:
Said the priest, “You must use self-control;
In the Church, that’s how altar boys roll.
Keep a stiff upper lip
While my pants I unzip;
Three Hail Mary’s will then save your soul.”
Rudy Landesman:
When I was a boy wearing nickers,
My favorite candy was “Snickers.”
I still get the jones
Right down to my bones.
I control them imbibing sweet liquors.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Joan was raised to be pure, without taint,
And was praised for demure self-restraint.
So she took it quite hard
When she found out Bernard,
Their old dog, was the family Saint.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Gennadiy Gurariy, Jesse Levy, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, October 2nd, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I once caught the flu from a fly
Who flew on my pie from on high.
I put down the coup
By slamming my shoe
Into what has become shoefly pie.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special BRAGGING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
After scaring up “Friends” coast-to-coast,
Casper boasts on a post, “I’ve the most!
Countless followers boo me,
And thousands see through me —
Not to mention the millions I ghost!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Ken Gosse, Rudy Landesman, Gennadiy Gurariy, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FLY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BRAGGING LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar
“I’m a yugely-equipped kinda guy,”
Boasted Donald, unzipping his fly.
So the hooker went down,
Gave a mystified frown.
“I can’t find it,” she said with a sigh.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FLY”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sue Dulley
The shock made me think I would die;
A bug in my fabric supply!
I started to froth
At the mouth – “Help! a moth!!”
But it turned out to be but-a-fly.
Dave Johnson:
A math teacher learned how to fly;
The skill that allowed him to try
His brand-new technique.
Now some students may seek
To learn about pi in the sky.
David Friedman:
There once was a young fly named Whit
Who hated his life quite a bit.
“To be,” he would sigh,
“A bee, not a fly,
And fly among flowers, not shit!”
Sue Dulley:
I am stuck in this treetop so high,
Just a chick; I don’t know how to fly.
I attest that it’s best
That I rest in this nest,
Egg me on, kick me out and I’ll die.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I said, as I pawed through the rack,
For a baseball mitt (something I lack),
To the clerk standing by,
“Soon I’ll catch my first fly!”
He said, “Why not just give it a whack?”
Brian Allgar:
My wife hates the food when we fly;
She complains: “Gourmet food? What a lie!”
On our journey to Sydney
They served steak-and-kidney.
“You see? It’s just pie in the sky.”
Dave Johnson:
While under a microscope’s eye,
This subject has secrets to pry.
Entomologists know
That it just goes to show
There’s stuff you can learn on the fly.
Robert Schechter:
I looked up by chance at the sky
When a pigeon pooped crap in my eye.
I let out a curse,
But it could have been worse:
Imagine if hippos could fly!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Always failing when aiming too high,
I was flailing with each futile try.
So I set my sights lower,
And learned to go slower.
Now I’m skillful at killing a fly.
Tim James:
His pick-up lines just didn’t fly.
“You’re a pig!” said the gal in reply,
Then got mad (who’d have guessed?)
When he asked her in jest:
“Would you like to come up to my sty?
Robert Schechter:
I swear that it wasn’t a lie
When I said I would not hurt a fly,
But you, as you know,
Are a human, and so
Prepare, motherf*cker, to die.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BRAGGING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Ken Gosse:
While I stood in the checkout line, bragging,
The speed of the line started dragging.
My stories were bold,
But were too often told.
They begged me to “Please, finish bagging!”
Sue Dulley:
I am old and I live on a pension;
I have few ways to get your attention.
So permit me to say
In a (non-)bragging way:
Mad once gave me an hon’rable mention.
Rudy Landesman:
My wife, not to brag, is just grand.
She answers my every demand.
When we are in bed,
She gives me great head
And does wonderful things with her hand.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
When posting my profile on Bumble,
I’m hoping that I didn’t fumble
By laying out raw
My only grave flaw
Of being exceedingly humble.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone: (on Covid Rules)
For the last two darn years, we have sat
Alone in our house or our flat.
Like we fell in a hole,
Never went near one soul.
Not to brag, but I’ve ALWAYS done that.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
About boasting, I needed advice,
And my minister said, “It’s not nice.
You like praise, and want more?
That’s what fun’rals are for.”
I guess bragging rites come with a price.
Tim James:
At the bake-off we all heard her boast
That the judges would like her bread most.
She committed a goof
And her dough failed to proof —
So now it appears that she’s toast.
Byron Miller:
“Only I have the deal that you want,”
Says the braggart with ego to flaunt,
But I can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Gennadiy Gurariy, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, September 18th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Went out for a bike ride today;
Some fairly steep hills on the way.
Now it hurts when I walk;
If my muscles could talk,
They’d tell me that climb doesn’t pay.
Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Special REPAIRS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I’ve promised to fix the veneer, dear;
I’ve told you I would loud and clear, dear.
Do try to be kinder
And skip the reminder
You give me in August each year, dear.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE and SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“Your mechanic did not fix my heat!
It still doesn’t work! What deceit!
He’s surely to blame.
What the hell is his name?
All I know is this guy’s got 2 feet”.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Well, you’re not the first person to whine
About Gregor’s Repair Shop on Vine.
I’ve had work done by Greg —
Cost an arm and a leg!
In fact, one of those feet may be mine.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Rudy Landesman, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, Jean McEwen, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO REPAIRS LIMERICKS)
Rudy Landesman:
From your dreams of true love you’ve awoken,
And your poor tender heart has been broken.
Confucius would say:
“Just throw it away.
I don’t know what the hell you’ve been smokin’.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Tim James:
What’s a tuffet? Seems no one can say,
Though Miss Muffet besat one that day.
Also, what is a curd?
That’s a gross-sounding word.
Would YOU ever eat one? No whey!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
In a warehouse near Richmond, VA,
Is a statue of Lee, stored away.
So huge is its torso —
The head even more so —
Is there room for those big feet of clay?
Bob Turvey:
There was a young lady named Mona —
So pretty that you’d want to clone her.
Said da Vinci, “I’m gay.
You attract me? No way.”
She smiled at the size of his boner.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
A cruise is a grand way to float.
You can travel to places remote.
But you’ll sure feel dismay
When it’s over; you’ll weigh
The very same weight as the boat.
Dave Johnson:
Paul Simon, way back in the day,
Recorded “Slip Slidin’ Away.”
Perhaps that refrain
Was the key to explain
Why Garfunkel never would stay.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A guy whom she’d snubbed ev’ry day,
Was finally prompted to say,
“So would it be better
To write you a letter?”
“Oh yes,” she said, “Far and away.”
Mark Totterdell:
In a rage at the freedom forbidd’n’er,
I released from her cage the echidna,
And I took her away,
And I just wouldn’t say
To her keepers just where I had hidd’n’er.
Brian Allgar:
Said Abbott: “I’m happy to say
That abortion is banned from today.
A son or a daughter
Aborted? Report her!
Ten thousand’s the bounty we’ll pay.
We’ve made it illegal to slay
The unborn – no exceptions, okay?
Life is sacred, we’ve sworn …
But once they are born,
Protect them from Covid? No way!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (REPAIRS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
My car fell apart when I floored it.
That estimate! Couldn’t afford it.
Oh, man! Did I groan!
Promptly took out my phone.
But “Auto-Correct” just ignored it
Terry Marter:
She transformed it, – the gown of her dreams
Reconstructed in white, beige and creams.
I shouldn’t disparage
But like her first marriage
It’s falling apart at the seams.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve this habit so fixed, I can’t nix it:
Something breaks, so I buy parts to fix it.
I remake and re-break it
Until I must take it
Away. Then I pay to deep-six it.
Jean McEwen:
I am trying to snake out the shit
From my toilet, but get but a bit
To go down. Must I plunge
To expunge all the grunge?
(I’m no plumber, I’ll have to admit.)
Bob Turvey:
There was a young chappie called Mike
Who went out for a ride on his bike.
At the thirty-mile juncture
KER-BLAM – what a puncture!
(Repair kit at home – what a hike!)
Lisi Nortman:
Broke my mirror, it fell to the floor.
Couldn’t fix it, I screamed and I swore.
7 years of Bad Luck!
That surely did suck.
But my lawyer reduced it to four.
Dave Johnson:
The sound engineer has been bragging
’Bout all of the women he’s “bagging”.
Extolling his kicks,
He now has to fix
Distortion from band members gagging.
Steve Benko:
“So limp? Lie right down, this I’ll fix,”
Said the hooker. “I know some good tricks.”
And ’twas all systems go
In the hands of a pro;
His old willy had not crossed the Styx.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (478)
Saturday, August 7th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I went to a door store to see
What choices were open to me.
A sign on their stock
Read, “Pick Your Own Lock.”
But I want one that comes with a key.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Writing Style-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Mark Twain’s language: an erudite treat.
Ernest Hemingway’s prose: short and sweet.
Written discourse and wit
Then went wholly to shit
As the “President” babbled by tweet.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Rudy Landesman, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Byron Miller, Brian Allgar, Steve Benko, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “KEY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WRITING STYLE LIMERICKS)
Rudy Landesman:
e.e. cummings wrote verse that was “free”
and no capital letters used he
and the reason for that
keep it under your hat
a malfunctioning typewriter key
Brian Allgar:
Split infinitives irritate me,
Like a singer who’s singing off-key
And can’t hit the right note,
Or as if Shakespeare wrote
“To be, or instead, to NOT be.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“KEY”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
To enter my swanky new flat,
I just punch in a code, – and that’s that!
The fourth fail with my “key”
Triggered voicemail to me:
“Your new key-code is under the mat.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I thought I would go into shock.
(Took a breather and walked ’round the block.)
I at last found the key
To success, but poor me,
Seems somebody changed the damn lock.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I have just run aground, pity me.
I’m okay — just a cay in the sea.
But what other snags lurk
In semantical murk?
Is a lake but a loch with no key?
Dave Johnson:
Their singer was slightly off-key;
The crowd made his band hard to see.
Most covers they played
Were so moldy and frayed;
“Free concert” – no bargain for me.
Kirk Miller:
To identify dogs, we agree
That a strap ’round the neck is the key;
Has the owner’s last name,
The phone number of same.
This technique is named “collar ID.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
After Ponce de Leon sailed the main
From the Florida coast back to Spain,
He cried, “Izzy, it’s me!
I’ve discovered a key!”
She said, “Keep it. I just want the chain.”
Tim James:
It starts low, with “Oh say, can you see…”
Then goes high, to a crazy degree.
By “the rockets’ red glare”
You’ll be gasping for air.
You can’t possibly sing it on-Key.
Byron Miller:
Though beguiled, when Fay’d flipped me the key
To her new Maserati GT,
I soon felt like a jerk
When the key wouldn’t work:
For, Fay’d fobbed off a faux fob on me.
Brian Allgar:
This device seemed just perfect for me,
Since I’m always mislaying my key.
I press the thing here,
And my keys, far or near,
Will respond with ‘beep, beep …’ endlessly.
It worked well until, several days later,
In need of my beep-generator,
I looked all around,
But it couldn’t be found –
Like a fool, I’d mislaid the locator!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRITING STYLE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I write. Like I speak. Not much drama.
I Never. Have use. For a Comma.
My phrasing. Concise.
With real. Sound advice.
Respect. Fully. Yours. B. Obama.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
In a manner excessively florid,
I pen horror tales grisly and torrid.
All my critics agree
I have mastered the key
To a writing style perfectly horrid.
Brian Allgar:
English spelling is hell. Readers wish
The word “ghoti” were not pronounced “fish”.
And they wonder if “quay”
Should be spoken as “kay”?
No, it’s “key”! As for Lillian Goti …
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When I’m writing a narrative book,
Stream-of-consciousness works as my “hook.”
But for pamphlets or tracts,
Or a thesis with facts,
I prefer to use Gobbledygook.
Dave Johnson:
Her method for teaching us cursive
Would often be somewhat immersive.
She hasn’t a hint,
But today I just print;
A practice she’d view as subversive.
Lisi Nortman:
“In conclusion, I just have to say,
In closing, don’t use a cliche.
Haste always makes waste
So write in good taste.
Writing’s hard at the end of the day.”
Rudy Landesman:
For really a very long while
I struggled with one author’s style:
“Ulysses” by Joyce;
That book is my choice
To start a new “Do Not Read” pile.
Steve Benko:
In poetry form or in prose,
There is no other writing like Poe’s.
For a frightening word
From a sinister bird,
He finds ravens more scary than crows.
Jean McEwen:
When you’re writing a brief, don’t just say
The court “should” or “should not”; that won’t sway
Any judge. No, instead
Explain WHY what they’ve read
Should incline them to see things your way.
Tim James:
“Your style with parentheses stinks,”
Said my prof (I don’t care what she thinks
(Though she’s smart (she’s from Yale
(Maybe Harvard; I fail
To recall (I’ve had too many drinks))))).
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (475)
Saturday, July 24th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, which is both a Tail-Rhyme and a Vanity-Themed limerick:
Though he thought he had style and urbanity,
Hugh’s bid for success was all vanity.
With broad flippers and tail
And wet whiskers, he’d fail.
How I wept for the fate of Hugh Manatee!
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special VANITY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny “Soprano Vanity” limerick:
Most op’ra performers agree
That it’s hard to sustain a “High C.”
In the great tragic “Norma”
The star will perform a
Dry run of a “me me me me.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Bob Slapcoff, John Davison, Sjaan VandenBroeder, David Friedman, Bob Turvey, Sondra Landin, Terry Marter, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Steve Benko, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO VANITY LIMERICKS)
Bob Slapcoff:
A peacock parading his tail,
Or a gaudily carapaced snail;
I’ll emulate these
With bravado and ease,
As soon as I get out of jail.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Tim James:
The Lone Ranger (so goes a tall tale)
Saw some Natives and let out a wail:
“They’re all hostile! We’re dead!”
Tonto grinned as he said:
“What’s this ‘we,’ you with face that is pale?”
John Davison:
Whilst out for a walk with my snail
We dined on fresh cabbage and kale,
But when the rain fell
He just hid in his shell,
Thus precluding a riveting tale.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
One tale of a tail might entail,
A PI with some guy to surveil;
Add a shade of film noir
To a steamy boudoir,
Plus a dame for Mike Hammer to nail.
David Friedman:
There once was a Chief of Police
Who tried to spread love, joy, and peace…
If you buy that tale,
I’ve swampland for sale
And several golden egg geese.
Bob Turvey:
Said a languid young freshman at Yale,
“Target shooting – what does that entail?”
Said a Prof., “Well now son,
You are given a gun,
If you kill anyone – that’s a fail.”
Sondra Landin:
Plot ideas come pelting like hail;
I try to corral them — and fail.
I rail and I wail
To no great avail;
Just can’t seem to finish my tale.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Ev’ry night Mack, the Manx, starts to wail
A long saga of loss and travail.
Then the end is cut short,
And he stops with a snort.
Seems that Mack has lost track of his tale.
Tim James:
Said a drunk who was headed to jail:
“Hey! Her Honor’s a nice piece of tail!”
It’s a shame that she heard
Ev’ry odious word;
Now he’s looking at REALLY high bail.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (VANITY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
He reflects at the pool where he’s lying.
He’s in love with himself (can’t stop sighing) —
The youthful Narcissus
With no loving Missus
To prevent him from tragic’ly dying.
Tony Holmes:
Only vanity mirrors are kind,
As they don’t show the truth but remind
Of those days sans chagrin –
You had only one chin –
And your features were taut and unlined.
Lisi Nortman:
“I’m not showy in any which way.
And I never put on a display.
But ev’ry one tries
To spread nasty lies,
Cuz I’m much more alluring than they.”
Tim James:
A Captain whose name is James Kirk
Is an egomaniacal jerk.
He’s God’s gift to the dames.
Still, the sexual games
That he tries indisputably work.
Terry Marter:
She was vain, sexy, slinky and sleek.
On her “look” she spent almost a week.
Then she dated a lout
Who did not beat about
The proverbial bush (so to speak.)
Tim James:
If to beauty I want to be nearer,
The path couldn’t be any clearer.
I’m under its spell
(You can probably tell)
When I gaze, quite bewitched, in the mirror.
Dave Johnson:
Trump’s dinnerware – always first-rate;
With one special feature that’s great.
’Tween steak and some peas,
His reflection he sees
In that BEAUTIFUL vanity plate!
Steve Benko:
With my talent, square jaw, and strong chin,
It is I who these contests should win.
Once MadKane takes a look,
Every other poor schnook
Who submits will become a has-been.
Rudy Landesman:
My need to make love was perennial.
But now as I reach my centennial,
I will not complain.
I can’t be that vain.
I’m glad that it still is biennial.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
If a woman with beauty that’s lush
Likes to tally the hearts she can crush,
When it seems there’s a trace
Of chagrin on her face,
It’s her makeup providing the blush.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Slapcoff, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, John Davison, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (474)
Saturday, July 10th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I’m so square, I get dizzy on gin —
Just one round and my head starts to spin.
Then I circle about,
Quite obtusely, no doubt,
Wond’ring what kind of shape I am in.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ETIQUETTE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which is also a Spin-Rhyme limerick:
Tim James:
Here’s some dating advice with no spin:
Treat the gal with respect, and you win!
Buy her choc’late and bling.
Oh, there’s one final thing:
Just make sure that she isn’t your kin.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Daisy Hyrkas, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Doug Harris, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, Steve Benko, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Sondra Landin, Roger Haugen, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SPIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ETIQUETTE LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
After eating his kith and his kin,
Sweeney asked Mrs. L for her spin
On the practice of such.
She said, “Don’t eat too much,
Because gluttony, luv, is a sin.”
Daisy Hyrkas:
I drank a small bathtub of gin
And felt my head starting to spin.
I got a rebuke
Cuz Mom saw me puke
Two steps before I reached the bin.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPIN”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
When a college boy gave you his “pin,”
You went into a jubilant spin.
So un-worldly were we,
We just didn’t foresee
That the pin was a pass to get in.
Sue Dulley:
I can’t wait for my life to begin.
Mom’s a skater, and with ev’ry spin
I get dizzy; I groan
To myself all alone –
If I had one, I’d moan to my twin.
Doug Harris:
I dated a ballet brunette.
Drove me wild did that lissome coquette.
When I said, “Please jump in
And let’s go for a spin,”
She surprised with a long pirouette.
Terry Marter:
So what kind of guilt-laden spin
Is this bullshit, – Original Sin?
We fools should believe
It’s from Adam and Eve?
It’s a ‘Cult’ that I’m glad I’m not in.
Rudy Landesman:
Cole Porter and Irving Berlin.
And Gershwin? Let’s do throw him in.
These guys were prolific.
Their songs were terrific.
To count them would make your head spin.
Steve Benko:
“This indictment’s a kick in the shin,
And I can’t get a pardon like Flynn,”
Groaned Weisselberg. “Allen,”
Said Trump, “Here’s a gallon
Of bullshit to give it good spin.”
Tim James:
A guy took a gal for a spin.
They parked, and committed a sin.
Then the car wouldn’t start,
So she fixed it. (She’s smart.)
She puts out and knows autos? Win-win!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ETIQUETTE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Daisy Hyrkas:
My father is groping my ma.
In public! It’s quite the faux pas.
But my mom acts no better;
She whips off her sweater
And leashes his neck with her bra.
Terry Marter:
My opinion is Doc you’ve got guts,
If you think that with no ifs or buts,
You can check out my glands
With your freezing cold hands.
The price of such folly? Your Nuts!
Lisi Nortman:
“Now listen here, know-it-all chap:
I’ve deaf ears to your old-fashioned crap!
At 90 years old,
I’m feelin’ real bold,
And will NOT fold my hands on my lap.”
Jean McEwen:
When dining with others, please chew,
And then swallow your food before you
Try to talk prematurely,
’Cause otherwise, surely,
You’ll spray those around you with goo.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
With proboscis upturned she will pace,
As she sniffs with disdain at my place.
Acting snooty (it stinks),
It’s her duty (she thinks).
It’s as plain as the nose on her face.
Tim James:
I used to let people incite me;
I’d yell and invite them to fight me.
Good manners I learned
From the beat-downs I earned.
Now I calmly tell folks just to bite me.
Sondra Landin:
’Twas a must-attend ‘manners’ oration,
With dull discourse and scant information.
But then we could chug
Champagne from a mug!
That ‘manner’ sparked much jubilation!
Roger Haugen:
A blooming but bashful coquette
Bit into a luscious baguette;
The roll was so sweet,
She barfed on her feet.
A societal queen? Not just yet.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“Darling daughter, you must act with grace.
Keep a sweet, pleasant smile on your face.
Use a tissue to sneeze.
Say ‘thank you’ and ‘please.'”
“Thank you, Mama. Please get off my case!”
Tony Holmes:
In the etiquette stakes meine frau
Has the lead by a nose. This is how:
When in flatulent mode,
She will clench, as per code,
Then discreetly release as a sough.
Steve Benko:
Amy Vanderbilt once made a rule
That a gentleman never should drool.
But where topless girls prance
On the beaches of France,
To enforce it would surely be cruel.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Daisy Hyrkas, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (473)
Saturday, June 26th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
She crafted brassieres by request,
And her products were known as the best.
They were comfy all day,
All her clients would say.
Of their needs she was keeping abreast.
But she needed a loan. It was just
At that time that her Savings and Trust
Jacked their int’rest rates high
So her cash flow went dry.
And her company, sadly, went bust.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special TIMING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
It’s always just after I ‘send,’
That I think of a far better end.
The amended appendage
With much improved endage
Is finally mended and penned.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick:
She was small and demure, and his quest
Was to get her completely undressed.
When it happened, though, he
Was astounded to see
A Marine Corps tattoo on her chest.
As he came to this part of his quest
He screwed up, as perhaps you have guessed.
As they made love that day
He cried, “Anchors aweigh!”
“That’s the NAVY!” she yelled, unimpressed.
His timing could not have been worse.
The wrong words at that moment? Perverse.
(Maybe next time he’ll try
The right phrase: “Semper Fi.”)
He was stunned by how well she could curse.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Diane Groothuis, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Roger Haugen, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TIMING LIMERICKS)
Steve Benko:
I dreamed I received this bequest
From no less of a star than Mae West:
“As my time is now up,
For the way he would schtupp,
I am leaving Steve Benko my chest.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
With a saxophone solo my quest,
First, I ready my reed for the test.
With my embouchure tight,
And the timing just right,
Then I blow my own horn through each rest.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
To the waiter I made this request:
“On my chicken dish, please make it breast.”
Said the server (named Dale)
“All our chickens are male;
We have thigh, wing or drumstick, or chest.”
Terry Marter:
They played crap at the disco last night.
The DJ was high as a kite.
“Do we have a request?”
I said “Give it a rest!”
And that’s how I got in the fight.
Lisi Nortman:
The firing squad was about
To kill Peter, who started to shout:
“I have one last request.
Will you all do your best
To forget about wiping me out?”
Kirk Miller:
When the stripper’s on stage fully dressed,
You can bet that she’ll be on a quest
To remove blouse and bra
With some moves that are raw.
She has something to get off her chest.
Sondra Landin:
My friend thinks that I’m a big pest;
I repeatedly state, not in jest,
“Don’t toss out your mask,
That’s all that I ask,
’Cause from you I don’t want a bequest!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I write with this acrid request:
Don’t say MUSTARD — not even in jest.
Now I’m smelling the stuff!
Yes, phantosmia’s rough.
(Well, at least I got that off my chest).
Tony Holmes:
There are ladies who call by request
And oblige, doing what they do best.
I’ve a laundress, Ms. Took;
Wields an iron, can cook,
And another, Ms. Vamp, for the rest.
Diane Groothuis:
A youngish gal made a request
To Cupid to give it a rest:
“I have had hubbies three
Who were no good to me,
And your arrows have damaged my breast”
Jean McEwen:
When you give two new sex toys a test
To see which, for a bang, works the best,
You most surely will fail
’Cause there’s no holy grail.
So you may as well give up the quest.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Greedy heirs will not rest till they wrest,
From my breast, closely pressed, my bequest.
Holy moly, Amen!
I have played them again —
No one guessed this was only a test!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TIMING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
Mr. Louis Pasteur calmed his woes
When he told all the docs, “Don’t expose
Your patients to dirt.
I’ve put out an alert:
“Close ’em up first, and THEN pick your nose.”
Steve Benko:
In physics, the term “multiverse”
Won’t earn from your rivals a curse.
But the deadline is looming
And Tim James is blooming;
He thinks that one stanza’s too terse.
Dave Johnson:
His job at the factory dock
Was strenuous – hard as a rock.
But hip-hip-hooray,
It’s retirement day!
He started by punching the clock.
Roger Haugen:
What is it about the word “timing”
That resists all my efforts at rhyming?
I sit here in sorrow,
Can’t beg, steal or borrow–
I guess my poor brain just needs priming.
Tim James:
I attempted to hit on a nurse
But my timing could not have been worse.
I had started to flirt
When she jabbed me. It hurt,
Thereby causing my zeal to disperse.
Terry Marter:
When my crazy aunt hits the dance floor
Inhibitions go straight out the door.
She’ll flail and she’ll sing
To that Dave Brubeck swing,
While trying to waltz in 5/4!
Mark Totterdell:
His new jet power system, he reckoned,
Would make him a fortune. Fame beckoned.
He crouched, legs apart
And set fire to a fart
And flew forward at six miles a second.
Rudy Landesman:
There once was a sleazy old wanker
For sex slightly kinky he’d hanker.
His timing was great.
He found a new date,
Who was glad he just wanted to spank her.
Bob Turvey:
1960 – a record is climbin’
The charts – and the title’s GOOD TIMIN’.
On TV, Jimmy Jones,
Prances dances and moans –
His mis-timin’s show that he’s mimin’.
Lisi Nortman:
A one an’ a two, just keep dribbling.
The coach knows what’s best, so no quibbling.
Your team’s lost the game.
And you are to blame.
You cannot just stop and start nibbling.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (472)
Saturday, June 12th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
For those who think tennis is boring,
Here’s a point that you may be ignoring:
If you stay in each set,
There’s a chance you can get
An abundance of love without scoring.
Congratulations to RUDY LANDESMAN, who wins the Special TRENDs-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Rudy Landesman:
The Australian Ballet’s been in town
With a dance trend that brought on a frown.
But try to be kind,
And please keep in mind
That at home they must dance upside down.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Terry Marter, Sue Dulley, Rudy Landesman, Martin Galpin, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SET or BeSET or UpSET” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TREND LIMERICKS)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I’ll be getting a nice wash and set.
In the dryer, I’ll wear a black net,
Then use rollers each night,
Making sure that they’re tight.
(A trend I shall never forget.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SET or BeSET or UpSET”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Tim James:
Two ladies, Yvonne and Yvette,
In the sack are a perfect matched set.
They are double the fun.
And in fact, when I’m done,
I need more than just one cigarette.
Dave Johnson:
The former guy’s really upset;
His wonderful blog hasn’t met
The threshold of views
Like the one people use
To ask about finding a pet.
Terry Marter:
As dinner guests walked through the door,
My dog just threw up on the floor.
And was I upset?
Quite frankly, you bet!
Then the dog grinned and threw up some more.
Sue Dulley:
My wake-up alarm has been set.
I’ll arrive right on time, don’t you fret.
We’ll have a great hike
On that trail that you like,
But text me in case I forget.
Dave Johnson:
When cast for a porn movie fling,
An actor decided to bring
Some fun to the set;
But the laughter he’d get
Was all about one little thing.
Rudy Landesman:
That question of whether to be—
Or not, and of troubles be free,
Has never beset,
Nor ever has let
The fardels I bear bother me.
( He adds: “Fardels? Don’t ask me. Ask Shakespeare.”)
Martin Galpin:
A nurse in Ohio was set
On proving the vaccine’s a threat.
But claims it’s magnetic
Are weak and pathetic:
The key’s clearly stuck on by sweat.
(Here’s a link, for those unfamiliar with this news story.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRENDS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman, for her “Covid Trends”
A new way of touching’s the key,
And it works for my hubby and me.
No more feelings of dread;
When we’re both in our bed,
We have sex that is fully hands-free.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Through my house, sporting bedhead, I roam.
Around noon I find toothbrush and comb.
I enjoy a loud yawn;
Later I might log on.
It’s the trend we call “working from home.”
Tim James:
“The trend is your friend”? That’s not true.
Don’t believe me? Then here’s what to do:
Read what’s trending on Twitter.
You’ll find that stuff’s fitter
For flushing, since most of it’s poo.
Steve Benko:
Today, wearing pants is old hat;
With Zoom, there is no need for that.
We can now scratch our balls
While on conference calls;
All hint of decorum’s gone ‘splat.’
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her “The New Owner Of Coffeebucks”
“Here’s your coffee. Please don’t drink it slow.
Nothin’ like a real quick cup a joe.
Close that laptop, my friend;
We don’t care for that trend.
Your time is now up, so please go.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Whispered Adam to Eve at the end,
“I’m so glad you are MORE than a friend.”
Then the earth began quaking —
Their apple tree shaking —
And they feared they had started a trend.
Mark Totterdell:
My platform-heeled boots are like bricks,
And my high-waisted jeans (I have pics!)
Flap-flap-flap as I stride
As they’re half a yard wide.
My excuse is, it’s ’76!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dave Johnson, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Martin Galpin, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (471)
Saturday, May 29th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A driver of engines named Dodd
Liked sex any place that was odd –
’Til he lay on his back
After sex on the track
And a train squashed his coupling rod.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special PHONE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
We belong to a rigid religion;
We tithe till we’ve only a smidgen.
We can’t pay for a phone,
Cuz we’re down to the bone.
So our carrier’s Charlie The Pigeon.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, P Diane Schneider, David Friedman, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRACK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PHONE-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I had faith my new smartphone would track
Where I’m going and how to get back,
But for two nights (so far)
I have slept in my car,
On a street quaintly named, “Cul-de-sac.”
Tim James:
D.C. rioters had no success;
Now they’re all in a hell of a mess.
It turned out their attack
Was quite easy to track;
All it took was their phones’ GPS.
Rudy Landesman:
I was phoning my bookie, irate,
Afraid I was calling too late.
I said, “Call me right back.
I am here at the track.
The horses are still at the gate.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRACK” RHYME DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
Amtrak railway is getting some flack.
Clientele say the line’s out of whack.
They must soon engineer
Lots of change; that is clear.
Riders claim that they’re on the wrong track.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My thoroughbred, Gert, runs with force.
In the stands, I’ll be cheering, (of course.)
And today, at the track,
I shall dress all in black,
So I won’t look like Astor’s Pet Horse.
Tim James:
With my bingeing on Prime, I’ve lost track
Of reality. Woe and alack!
Streaming comes at a price.
How I wish for a vice
That’s a lot less addictive — like crack.
Mark Totterdell:
There was a young man from St Blazey,
And he did some odd stuff but it’s hazy.
(I would get this one back
On the right kind of track
But I’m feeling incredibly lazy.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Note to self: keep your meter on track;
Never let your rhymes get out of whack;
Let thy words make thee proud;
(There’s no “twin talk” allowed);
Hitting “SEND” means you can’t take it back.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PHONE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
These “smartphones” are not smart at all!
They’re almost unreadably small;
Of “apps” there’s a pile,
But no rotary dial –
How the hell do I just make a call?
Mark Totterdell:
When the very first phone call was staged,
AG Bell was completely enraged,
Most exceedingly vexed,
All confused and perplexed,
When he found that the line was engaged.
Bob Turvey:
To the wife I said over the phone,
“I’ve a riddle – it’s hard – can be blown.
When it slides in and out
You’ll jump and you’ll shout
And it’s in my hand now!” “Your trombone?”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Though the Luddite was lacking in cred,
On the subject of cell phones he said,
“I’ll buy in a snap
The one with an app
That allows me to talk with the dead.”
Tim James:
They used to put phones in a booth
In the long-ago days of my youth.
You would drop in a dime
For a few minutes’ time.
I remember! (I’m long in the tooth.)
P Diane Schneider:
The call came when I was in bed.
“You’ve ordered an iPhone,” it said.
Of course I did not!
(Despicable bot!)
These calls really mess with my head.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
To my friend, as I’m driving us through
A strange town neither one of us knew,
I said, “Help me here, Lars.
Check my phone. Are there bars?”
He said, “No, but will liquor stores do?”
David Friedman:
There was a corona cell, Cyrile,
All covered with spikes in a spiral.
As he and his clones
Coated everyone’s phones,
“I’m hoping,” he said, “to go viral!”
Terry Marter:
Phoned my shrink ’bout my troubles and strife.
He advised me to start a new life:
“Seek out mountains and streams
With the girl of your dreams.”
I flew out the next day – with his wife!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, P Diane Schneider, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (470)
Sunday, May 16th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A young bride had her wedding gown planned:
She’d create it herself — make it grand!
To her groom she said, “You’ll
Help me stiffen the tulle.”
He said, “Sure, I can do it by hand.”
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special ZOO-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
In the zoo, an old elephant, Ernie,
Long deprived of his freedom to journey
By the bars on his cage,
Was so maddened by rage,
He demanded to see his attorney.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Rudy Landesman, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Roger Haugen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Steve Benko, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TOOL/TULLE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
She’s a baker; her son is a fool.
(Bluntly stated, he’s not a sharp tool.)
She caught him one day
In her kitchen, at play:
“Hey, a Frisbee that ain’t! It’s a boule!”
Rudy Landesman:
Poor Oliver Twist ate his gruel.
That watery slop was the tool
To keep kids in line.
Did Oliver whine?
What the Dickens, that kid was no fool.
Terry Marter:
When the trash man drank all his wife’s gin
His chance of survival was thin.
She diced up the fool
With a very sharp tool
But he still wouldn’t fit in the bin.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
One tool that I use when I polish
My lim’ricks is handy and smallish.
Using lead as its fuel,
It’s a rubber-tipped tool,
With two settings: “Rub Out” and “Demolish.”
Sondra Landin:
The little girl perched on a stool,
So prettily dressed in blue tulle,
And now how would she do?
Would they clap, would they boo?
She played and soon wowed the whole school!
Tim James:
Said a gal to her guy: “Though you’re cool,
I like circumcised men, as a rule.”
He’s not keen on it, but
He’s agreed to get cut.
Thus their love life he’s gonna re-tool.
Roger Haugen:
The porn king sat down on the stool
And whipped out his thirteen-inch tool;
The girls were in shock–
The sight of his cock
Was enough to make all of them drool.
Lisi Nortman:
I write limericks ev-er-y day.
With words, I consistently play.
But I do use a tool.
To make them sound cool:
I hammer and hammer away.
Steve Benko:
“For digging up graves,” said the ghoul,
“This shovel is too minuscule.
For cadaver retrieval,
It’s truly medieval;
A backhoe is my kind of tool.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ZOO LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The mysterious unicorn’s fate.
Has for years been a cause for debate.
Never seen in a zoo,
The researchers best clue
Is that Noah declared they taste great.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
At the petting zoo, there in the crowd,
Stood a boy looking gloomy and cowed.
“Go on, touch them,” I said,
To which he shook his head,
“There’s a sign that says, ‘no pets allowed.’”
Lisi Nortman:
Although the zoo culture forbids
Divorce, they were still on the skids.
Through all kinds of weather,
The Goats stayed together,
But only because of the kids.
Mark Totterdell:
When the animals down in the zoo
Want to do what all animals do,
They have nowhere to meet
Private, safe and discreet,
So they do it right there in full view.
Brian Allgar:
A gorilla with bright orange skin
And a vast hippopotamus chin,
A rhinoceros rump …
It’s the one-man zoo, Trump!
(Did I mention his crocodile grin?)
Kirk Miller:
All the doves that are housed at the zoo
Are upset and decide to pursue
A revolt; overthrow
The zookeepers, so
The doves will be staging a coo.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (469)
Saturday, May 1st, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Although gone, she was strangely alert.
Still a nudge, even under the dirt.
Right there at her plot,
A voice said, “Do not
Come visit me wearing that shirt.”
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special DRONES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Robbers looting two royalty zones
(Later caught by police using drones)
Tried to hide their hot gear
In a hothouse. It’s clear! –
Thieves in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, Clay Wild, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Mark Totterdell, and Neil Greenberg. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PLOT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DRONE LIMERICKS)
Dave Johnson:
The part of the beach that was sought,
Would hide them from view, so they thought.
But during their tryst,
Came a drone through the mist;
Its lenses unraveled their plot.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLOT” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Said a hack on creating a plot:
“I put into my work all I’ve got.
When it starts to mature,
Then I add more manure.
And that’s how I come up with this rot.”
Jean McEwen:
The clots some folks got from the shot
Have hit only a few – not a lot.
Yet some dopes – their views aided
By Fox – are persuaded
The shot is some Faucian plot.
Tony Holmes:
At the junction, the cause for delay
Rushed right past us, and anger held sway.
“It’s a mob.” “That’s a lot!”
“And they’ve all lost the plot –
At the moment, they’ve riot of way.”
Rudy Landesman:
Apples fall off a tree quite a lot,
And gravity’s in on the plot.
So, there’s little disputin’:
It WAS Isaac Newton
Concocting that sauce sold by Mott.
Lisi Nortman:
Mr. Hokey H. Pokey would shout:
“Hey, gravediggers, what’s this about?
I’m here in a plot,
It can’t be the right spot.
Cuz my left foot is still stickin’ out.
Tony Holmes:
“Boy meets girl has been done. We need plot!”
“What if boy loves girl’s mum, cos she’s hot?
Then the father, ignored,
Kills them all cos he’s bored—”
“Okay, now I’m on board—” “Then gets shot?”
“It’s too tame. You were doing so well.
Sex and murder, all great. That will sell.
But the ending – it’s lame.
Try again – up your game.”
“He’s redeemed by a vision of hell.”
Terry Marter:
Storm at sea wrecked our charts, – took the lot;
Blown away, fair to say “lost the plot.”
Now we’re in a fine mess;
We must send SOS:
Dot dot DOT, dash dash DASH, dot dot DOT.
Clay Wild:
Fragile campers in woods, deep and dense
Wolves and grizzlies and greed, self-defense
Murder myst’ry the plot
Twists and turns, like a knot
Safe to say, story line was ‘in tents’!
Tim James, who offers his “apologies to Mr. Shakespeare:”
Hamlet’s reading a book that he got —
Which he says he’s enjoying a lot —
About Yorick, alas!
As a read, it’s first-class
And he really is digging the plot.
Ms. Macbeth was the wife of a Scot
Who contrived a nefarious plot
To kill Duncan, the king.
Her dog saw the whole thing.
“You’re a BAD dog!” she said. “Out, damned Spot!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRONE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.
Tim James:
Could your local delivery guy
Be replaced by a thing that can fly?
Might you order by phone
Pizza drop-off by drone?
I think not. That’s just pie in the sky.
Rudy Landesman:
A mother right down to the bone,
She’d lecture, she’d scold, and she’d drone.
She called ev’ry day
And then passed away.
Her grave, she regrets, has no phone.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve relinquished the Edsel I own,
In exchange for a nice, compact drone.
Warn the Regs, “FLY UNMANNED!”
Which is what I have planned.
They say nothing about an old crone.
Jean McEwen:
The dullards I work with – such bores!
All their monotone rants about chores
Like their timesheets, their filing
And in-boxes piling
Induce in me nothing but snores!
Mark Totterdell:
The queen, that most key of all key bees,
Commands a whole army of she-bees
Who do all the work,
While the drones, who just shirk
And have sex are, you’ve guessed it, the he-bees.
Neil Greenberg:
There’s hardly a sound that is known
To bedevil us down to the bone
Like the buzz overhead
That fills me with dread:
Die and dissipate, damnable drone!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Clay Wild, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Neil Greenberg, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (468)
Saturday, April 17th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“Free verse” was invented by hacks
Whose grasp on poetics is lax.
Without meter or rhyme,
What they write is a crime –
The law should impose a syntax.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHEEP-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Little Bo, as she tended her sheep,
Smoked a bowl and then fell fast asleep.
Her whole flock, at high cost,
Wandered off and got lost —
While from Bo there’s been nary a Peep.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER and LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When his fleece got too curly and twee,
Lambert bawled, “Maa! What’s happ’ning to me?”
Ewenice answered him, “Bah!
Que sera que sera —
Whatever wool be, lamb, wool be.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Dear Sjaan, this might sound a bit odd.
I’ve advice for you, (so help me God)
That lim’rik was fab,
Yet a little bit drab.
Cuz puns about sheep are so baaa-d.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Dear Lisi, I know I’ve descended
Into maaa-dness; it can’t be defended.
I have lambasted bovid —
I blame it on Covid.
Signed, Sheepish One. (No pun intended).
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, David Friedman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHEEP LIMERICKS)
Sue Dulley:
Unlike sheep, moose and elk males have racks
Known as ‘antlers’ for rutting attacks.
Ev’ry Bighorn sheep mourns:
“Why are mine just called ‘horns’
Like a trumpet, trombone and a sax?”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
An accountant I know can’t relax.
He hallucinates papers in stacks.
He has tried counting sheep,
But he still can not sleep,
Due to fabled 1040 attacks.
Brian Allgar:
Oh, damn it! I’ve just popped a button!
It’s my own fault for being a glutton.
I get hunger attacks
And I need little snacks,
So I’ve gobbled a whole leg of mutton.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
Grown weary of right-wing attacks?
Here’s something to help you relax:
Experience Fox
And those radio jocks
With volume turned down to the max.
Sondra Landin:
The boy at the piano attacks
The music of Brit Arnold Bax.
He pounds and he stumbles,
Then finally grumbles,
“I’d rather be playing the sax!”
Kirk Miller:
The Venus de Milo is charming,
But some think it’s rather alarming.
Beneath shoulders she lacks
Any limbs, so attacks
Are made that the statue’s disarming.
Tim James:
Corporations avoid paying tax
While they pile up the money in stacks.
“But it’s legal!” they say
As it’s all waved away
By a phalanx of flunkies and flacks.
Brian Allgar:
The killer goes mad with an ax,
And his victims are bundled in sacks.
But none of them bleeds;
All the corpses are weeds,
The results of his garden attacks.
Terry Marter:
In my beautiful dream nothing lacks.
We drift, so relaxed, on our backs.
Then a tongue in my ear
Says reality’s here;
It’s our Dog’s friendly “Wake up!” attacks.
Doug Harris:
As through this mad life we make tracks –
Uncertainty wielding its axe,
There are two things for sure
(It’s so simple, so pure)
That you’ll shortly be dead and pay tax!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Lizzie Borden, indicted by hacks,
For her heinous (unproven) attacks,
Is notorious still
As the goriest thrill
In one famous Museum of Whacks.
Rudy Landesman:
The op’ra’s been under attacks
In Rome, by vociferous claques.
They shout and they boo,
Throw tomatoes — that too.
What’s become of that old Roman Pax?
Tim James:
A collection of ignorant hacks
Runs around spewing stuff anti-vax.
Although prospects are dim,
We could pay for the stim
If we passed a stupidity tax.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
When I have my “insolvent attacks”
I use a great trick to relax.
I breathe into a bag,
Till I feel I will gag.
Then skedaddle right over to Saks.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHEEP LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tony Holmes:
Sid and Elsie a-shivering stood,
Sporting crew-cuts from old farmer Good.
Elsie said, “You look blue.”
Sid replied, “So will you.
I’m no longer a ram who packs wood.”
Mark Totterdell:
A cultured and civilized leopard
Ate a whole flock of sheep and their shepherd.
It did not eat them raw,
But pot-roasted, with slaw
And some garlic potatoes, well-peppered.
David Friedman:
There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Take sheep dip with sugar — one lump.
Or inject it right into your rump.
It works against Covid,
Just ask any bovid.
I read this in “Cure-alls” by Trump.
Jean McEwen:
It seems I’ve been fleeced by Lee Lamb
And her parents (Ma Ewe and Dad Ram.)
’Cause their pledge of fine wool,
It turns out, was pure bull–
And I gullibly fell for their scam.
Terry Marter:
Couldn’t sleep so I picked up my pen,
But decided to practice my Zen.
Then I wondered if sheep,
(When they can’t get to sleep)
Prefer to count women or men.
Rudy Landesman:
A lamb chop, as cute as a button,
Was eaten by one greedy glutton.
Its mommy, the sheep,
No longer could sleep;
Her baby would never be mutton.
Tim James:
“On the lam from some mobsters is he,”
Said the girl, “So he can’t marry me.”
Said her dad, “Those are lies;
Pull the wool from your eyes!”
And she sheepishly had to agree.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My young son wants to nourish his brain;
Asks me questions, and some I explain.
“Is the moon made of cheese?”
And “Who built the trees?”
And “Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?”
Kirk Miller:
The shepherd said sheepishly, “Damn!
I find that I’m in a big jam.”
And an ewe knew he’d cry
When he said with a sigh,
“The young sheep have all gone on the lam.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (467)
Saturday, March 27th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Population stats brought up to date,
Were one misanthrope’s happiest state.
His old heart filled with joy,
And he hollered, “Oh boy!
Nearly eight billion people to hate!”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Co-Worker-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Dave Johnson:
Those folks on the 21st floor
Decided to even the score.
Their break room was bare;
Chairs and tables not there.
Now our bathroom stalls – nary a door.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, David Friedman, Gail White, Rudy Landesman, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “STATE/ESTATE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CO-WORKER LIMERICKS)
Dave Johnson:
Our office assistant was great;
She came from a northeastern state.
She’d talk about “caahs,”
Her favorite “baahs,”
And that baseball team Yankee fans hate.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STATE or ESTATE” RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The Covid’s been spreading by stealth
And severely affecting our health.
We all can relate
That the health of our state
Is affecting the state of our wealth.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, who notes that pursuant to a 1949 New Jersey statute, it’s illegal to pump your own gas:
I’m a lady from Jersey with class.
I drink wine from a Waterford glass.
I own an estate,
Which of course is first-rate,
And I don’t have to pump my own gas.
Tony Holmes:
“Fare thee well, cruel world. Life’s too tough.
I am beaten. Enough is enough.
I bequeath my estate
To my dog. Let my fate
Be a warning – No! Wait! It’s a bluff!”
Bob Turvey:
Let’s consider the blood-sucking tick.
When gorged it is half an inch thick.
If squeezed in this state
By yourself, or a mate,
It explodes. It’s a great party trick.
Tim James:
“Legal reefer? The prospects aren’t great,”
Said my neighbor, who just couldn’t wait.
Wanting things to improve,
He decided to move.
Now he lives in a mellower state.
Terry Marter:
My beautiful country estate
I bequeath to my very best mate,
Plus some CCTV,
So at times he can see
All my relatives camped by the gate.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CO-WORKER LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
My assistant is clumsy and fat.
Today on my laptop he sat,
Knocked over my cup
And would not wipe it up…
It’s lucky for him he’s a cat.
Ken Gosse:
Deep silence fell over the crowd
When the boss started thinking aloud.
Phones came to a stop—
You could hear a pin drop—
For his mind was as blank as a shroud.
Lisi Nortman offers “Advice For The New Co-Worker:”
“I’d like you to be my good friend,
So there’s something you must comprehend:
To do well at this place,
Pose that “hard-working” face
And remember the key word “PRETEND.”
David Friedman:
In these days of Covidian doom
There’s a silver edge lining the gloom:
The folks we’re employing
Are far less annoying
When miles away on a Zoom.
Tim James:
Our salesmen are miserable guys.
All their revenue numbers are lies.
They imbibe to excess.
And promiscuous? Yes.
But there’s worse: they steal office supplies.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Oh, please get me out of this room.
My co-worker’s fully in bloom.
I cough and I sneeze
And I’m never at ease.
So I call her “Miss Too Much Perfume.”
Gail White:
Whenever my office-mates gather
At break-time for coffee and blather,
I add my two cents
Which are brief but intense,
And do I get bored with it? Rather!
Rudy Landesman, who calls it “The Mikado Redux.”
We’re three little maidens, are we.
Three street workers, out for a fee.
Without long delays
Sir Sullivan pays,
But Gilbert, he gets it for free.
Mark Totterdell:
There was a young chemist called Bess
Who, to her co-workers’ distress,
Farted CO2, N,
CH4, H, and then
Finished off with some pure H2S.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Gail White, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (466)
