Posts Tagged ‘Ron B.’

Limerick of the Week (198)

Sunday, January 18th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A man fell in love with a tart
@ lonely dot com backslash heart.
He craved her affection,
Yet used no protection,
And now his computer won’t start.

Congratulations to Allen Wilcox on winning the Limerick Saga Award for his clever 3-verser:

A man fell in love with a tart
Who thought that tattooing was art.
He, being quite daft,
Let her practice her craft
And proceed on his most private part.

As you might well imagine, the tart
Needed firmness before she could start.
So she used an injection
For proper erection
And pain pills brought in by the cart.

Her masterpiece finished, the tart
Explained that her tatting might smart,
And whenever he “sinned,”
He would always break wind,
Which made it a true work of fart.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ron B., Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The waitress had brought him a tart,
But Count Dracula fancied her heart.
So although at this venue
Blood’s not on the menu,
He just served himself à la carte.

Ron B.:

A fellow had picked up a tart
– At least so he thought at the start –
Until gasping for air
He announced with despair,
“’Twas a quiche with an art…uh…choke heart.”

Jon Gearhart:

Are philosophers’ words sweet or tart?
“I think so I am,” said Descartes.
Berkeley said, “If I am,
So is God.” “Life’s a sham.
Yes, it is. No it’s not.”– Jean-Paul Sartre.

Colleen Murphy:

If ever you’re dating a tart,
Precaution with sex would be smart.
You don’t know where she’s been.
To ignore’d be akin
To battling a gun with a dart.

Fred Bortz:

Marge Simpson was baking a tart
For Homer and Lisa and Bart.
She cried out, “Oh, no!
I’ve no yeast for the d’oh.”
But at least it gave Pesach a start.

Ron B.

Men madly will fall for a tart
Who, shallow of mind and of heart,
Will claim her vows taken
Have long been forsaken
By death never doing its part.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 1 Comment »

Limerick of the Week (197)

Saturday, January 10th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Ron B., who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Now as moss, I was “boss,” but as peat
I’m just rotting away in the heat
Till I’m bagged to be spread
On a vegetable bed
And be treated like dirt by a beet.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Diane Groothuis, Jon Gearhart, Ron B., Marty McCullen, Kirk Miller, John Peter Larkin, Brian Allgar, and Allen Wilcox.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A fellow who loved to compete
Took a teacher to bed, quite a feat.
He was drunk. ’Twas unwise,
For he couldn’t arise.
So she graded his work “Incomplete.”

Diane Groothuis:

A gardener needed some peat,
So he went to a house down the street,
Asked a housewife in red
“Can I get in your bed?”
She replied, “You can leave tout de suite.”

Jon Gearhart:

At long last, she was set to compete
With her flower beds fin’ly complete.
All top ribbons she’d take.
When asked, “How, for Pete’s sake?”
She replied it’s cuz SHE forsakes peat!

Ron B.:

A fellow who loved to compete
In races he couldn’t complete
Just entered to stare
At each cute derriere
He gladly chose not to defeat.

Marty McCullen:

A gardener needed some peat
From property just down the street,
So he set about tasking
Without even asking.
He’s now in a small jailhouse suite.

Kirk Miller:

Manufacturers always compete
At a watch-making industry meet.
It should not be a shock
That they all watch the clock.
It’s a race against Timex, quite neat.

John Peter Larkin:

Don’t laugh, but I plan to compete
in your upcoming track and field meet.
I know I’ll prevail.
No way I can fail,
’Cause there’s no one as good as a cheat.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker refused to compete
In the beef-eating contest’s last heat.
She explained “It was fun
For a while, but I’m done —
I’ve had more than enough of jerked meat.”

Allen Wilcox:

Lim’rick contests tempt all to compete.
The meter has rules you must meet.
If you don’t take the time
To make sure that you rhyme,
Mad will throw you right out on the street.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »

Limerick of the Week (195)

Saturday, December 27th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON IVES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A panda, with gun, chowed down peas
From a waitress, then shot at her knees,
Gnashed a bug in his fur,
Then left in a blur.
In essence, he eats, shoots, and fleas?

Congratulations to Mark Kane and Byron Ives, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Mark Kane:

Hot, spicy, wasabi-dried peas
With some cold icy sake might ease
My fair, fussy spouse
To unbutton her blouse,
And let me proceed as I please.

Byron Ives:

So you think hot, wasabi-dried peas
Will get you in good with your squeeze?
A PajamaGram, dude,
Will set the right mood.
Add good scotch and enjoy the striptease!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Kathy El-Assal, Carolyn Henly, Ron B., Steve Whitred, Tim James, and Jon Gearhart, Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

The hiker had tried to appease
A ravenous tiger with cheese,
But the tiger said, “No.
I’d much rather go
With the man and his hand if you please.”

Kathy El-Assal:

“NRA types are hard to appease,”
Said a pacifist sending out pleas.
Trading humor for guns,
He resorted to puns:
“Your aim should be shooting the breeze!”

Carolyn Henly:

An old printer ran short on his p’s,
But the fruit man he wanted to please.
So he turned all aroun’
And then flipped upside down
And spelled “apple” by using two d’s.

Ron B.:

A mom told her kids, “Eat your peas.
Don’t let them roll down on your knees.
Don’t mash them to mush,
Don’t slash them to slush,
And swallow them first, if you sneeze!”

Steve Whitred:

To my daughters I said “Eat your peas,
Use your manners; say thank you and please.
Always pull your own weight,
And when out on a date
Clasp a quarter real tight with your knees.”

Tim James:

With soft words I will try to appease
My drunk gun-totin’ neighbor, ’cause he’s
Seeing Martians advance
As pink elephants dance.
He’s outside right now, shooting the breeze.

Jon Gearhart:

When Santa sets forth to appease
The kids of the world with gifts, he’s
Said to fly in his sleigh
For the length of a day
And give good kids all gifts with great ease.

I think that the reason that he’s
Been able to do this with ease
Is that most kids are naughty
With mouths spouting potty;
Thus, no gifts delivered to these!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »

Limerick of the Week (194)

Saturday, December 20th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ALLEN WILCOX, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A teller of tales hit a snag
When one tale made his audience gag.
From then on he was screwed,
Because everyone booed.
’Twas a case where the tale dogged the wag.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) C. Adams, Kathy El-Assal, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Matt Regan, Andy Bassett, Byron Ives, and Ron B. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

C. Adams:

A man told his boss, “There’s a snag.
Our servers are starting to lag.
We must pull all the plugs!
Our site selling ‘thick rugs’
Is confused by men wanting a ‘shag!’”

Kathy El-Assal:

Her plans to win votes hit a snag,
Cuz her rival would bluster and brag
Of deeds patriotic
And clearly psychotic,
Then wrap himself up in the flag.

Brian Allgar:

Absent-mindedness can be a snag;
My penis is wrapped in a flag,
And it’s tied in a knot,
To remind me of what? —
Oh, yes – must remember to shag.

Robert Schechter:

My zipper got caught on a snag
When I zigged when I wanted to zag,
And my member popped free
For the whole world to see
As it waved in the wind like a flag.

Matt Regan:

An engineer managed to snag
A ball-gown about which she’d brag:
“I knew in a minute
I’d look perfect in it
With my low co-efficient of drag.”

Andy Bassett:

A man told his boss “There’s a snag —
When you stepped out last night for a drag
Your phrasing so British
Made statesiders skittish,
Cuz you asked the desk clerk for a ‘fag.’”

Byron Ives:

Our golf outing hit a small snag;
Big Stu collapsed tending the flag.
Now what should we do?
We hit, then lugged Stu–
The rest of the round was a drag.

Ron B.:

A brash woman who managed to snag
A young farmer who majored in “Ag”
Said she gladly would yield
To his plow in her field,
If he kept all his seed in the bag.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »

Limerick of the Week (193)

Sunday, December 14th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Brian Allgar, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The hooker was playing her grand
While caressing her customer’s gland.
When he asked “How d’you do it?”
She said “Nothing to it —
It’s a piece by Ravel for Left Hand.”

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Byron Ives, C. Adams, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Richard Diakun, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, Ron B., and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Byron Ives:

He told her he’d charge just a grand
For a castle, built just as she planned.
She scowled, “You’re a leech,
Get off of this beach!
Take your bucket and cups and pound sand!”

C. Adams:

A woman had hopes that were grand.
Get rich, that is what she had planned.
She became a celeb,
From some pics on the web.
I must stop now. Can’t type with one hand.

Fred Bortz:

To Creationists, mankind is grand.
At life’s pinnacle, that’s where we stand.
But I say if it’s true
We’re the best God can do
Then the deity needs to re-brand.

Robert Schechter:

There’s just one piano, the grand,
Upon which I’d deign lay a hand.
Don’t think for a minute
I’d play a damn spinet.
Such keyboards are banned from my band.

Richard Diakun:

I owed my old bookie nine grand
The games didn’t go as I planned
Now, Tony wants bank
Or his boys break my crank–
It’s useless since they broke my hand!

Will T. Laughlin, for his acrostic limerick:

“We the Jury (not trial, but Grand)
Have decided to NOT reprimand.
In fact, you might say
That we functioned today
Exactly the way we were planned.”

Colleen Murphy:

He claimed the ring cost him a grand.
“The finest in all of the land.”
But I felt some distrust
When is started to rust
And it left a green mark on my hand.

Ron B., for his “No Grander Philanderer:”

A man whose delusions were grand
expected that just as he planned
his wife and his lover
would gladly discover
that neither could meet his demand.

Konrad Schwoerke:

“For your hit, I was paid fifty grand.
Do you want to know what I’ve got planned?”
“No, oblivion’s best;
I don’t want to be stressed.”
So I buried his head in the sand.

And congratulations to Jon Gearhart and Jonathan Jensen, who jointly win a special Political Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Jon Gearhart:

Aren’t those bendy contortionists grand?
I’ve seen one that for 6 years can stand
With one foot in his mouth,
His head stuffed up down south,
Still golfing and leading our land!

Jonathan Jensen:

Oh, political potshots are grand,
But your mindset I don’t understand.
It’s not “44”
Who took us to war
And laid waste to a far distant land.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »