Posts Tagged ‘Robert Schechter’
Saturday, March 9th, 2024
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny and timely two-verse limerick:
That passenger flight went awry
While thousands of feet in the sky.
A window seat door
Wasn’t there any more;
Unbolted, it fell from on high.
And now their commercial can say:
“Come fly with us – starting today.
Our Boeing Max 9
Is a new plane so fine;
Its features will blow you away!”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TOOTH/TEETH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
He was trapped when the burglars broke in,
Tied with ropes from his toes to his chin.
But his son heard him call,
And he bit through them all –
He was saved by the teeth of his kin.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever “Venus de Milo” limerick which uses at least two of these five words: LOOK, MESSY, PROOF, RIDDLE, UNFAIR.
What’s up with her schmata? (A dress?)
She sure didn’t “drape” for success!
With no arms, life’s unfair.
You can’t fix your own hair.
Ms. Milo’s a classical mess!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Marc Davidson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Bindy Bitterman, and J.OConnor. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
Observers conject as to why
Mona Lisa’s smile looks kinda wry.
Despite the belief
That she ain’t got no teef
There’s now proof that she’d just screwed her guy.
Tim James:
I looked at the bottle of rye.
It was 86 proof. With a sigh,
I imbibed (to excess)
And woke up in a mess,
Missing teeth. Now the riddle is: Why?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
A gleaming-white-smile kinda guy,
Screwed his dentist’s wife once, on the sly.
Since the dentist’s revenge,
His teeth look like Stonehenge,
Lots of gaps and all angled awry.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
By a fantasy he was inspired
To make love on a bike. This required
That he be fit and spry.
But it all went awry:
When he tried it, it made him two tired.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When it used to be Siri and me,
I was happy as happy can be.
But it all went awry
When this open AI
Started blabbing on ChatGPT.
Bob Turvey:
Said an actress, “Oh my goodness me!
Archbishop – your hand’s on my knee!
You’ve a glint in your eye…
And your vestment’s awry!
And you haven’t yet paid me the fee!”
Marc Davidson:
I’m giving gymnastics a try,
For I’m feeling uncommonly spry.
But I’m booking, you betcha,
Two guys with a stretcher,
in case my attempt goes awry.
Fred Bortz:
There once was an atheist guy
Who decided to give God a try.
What led him to choose
To commune with the Jews?
The kosher dill pickles and rye!
Robert Schechter:
I thought I’d give baking a try.
It didn’t go well. I won’t lie.
The recipe said
I was baking white bread,
But somehow my plans went a rye.
Tim James:
Said a woman whose outlook was wry:
“Why do men always think they must lie?
Seven inches? No way!
Mark my words when I say:
I can measure such objects by eye.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Once, the tooth fairy used to buy back,
Any tooth — be it pearly or black.
The prize for a chomper,
When I wore a romper
Was cash. Now it’s just some old plaque.
Lisi Nortman, for her “Leonardo da Vinci’s Request”
“You look great in that Renaissance style,
But your ugly teeth stick out a mile.
Kindly breathe through your nose
To assume a new pose.
Mona, please try a more subtle smile.”
Robert Schechter:
I thought I was dining on cattle,
But chewing became a great battle.
I found out the truth
When I busted a tooth
On the stud of a fine English saddle.
Terry Marter:
Here’s a tongue-in-cheek tale of a sleuth
Who is well past the prime of his youth.
The defective detective
Is now less effective,
Short of breath, and too long in the tooth.
Bob Turvey:
If you drive in mid-winter in Leith —
GO SLOW — or you may need a wreath;
The council’s so mean
They’ve no gritting machine –
Their advice is to grit your own teeth.
Marc Davidson:
I’m buying my dentist a wreath
For the coming demise of my teeth.
I’m down in the mouth,
For my hygiene’s gone south,
Exposing the rot underneath.
Tim James:
My dentist is cranky and old,
And his manner’s increasingly cold.
What I really can’t stand
Is his unsteady hand.
That’s what gets on my nerves, tooth be told.
Tony Holmes:
My wife’s teeth are like stars in that they
Will come out at the close of each day.
And once toothless – sans bite –
She’s a pitiful sight,
But her tongue’s just as sharp, so, “Oy vey!”
Mark Totterdell:
A fine set of teeth has the ocelot,
Though it’s true that they do make him cross a lot.
When food scraps get stuck
It’s annoying as f*ck
And if only he could he would floss a lot.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A born chiseler, one dentist Keith,
Claims, “Your smile will light up like a wreath!
For ten grand (thereabout),
These new crowns will stand out.”
So his patients all sport big-buck teeth.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A golfer who’s constantly gutting
It out in a rough that needs cutting,
Maybe looks to the green,
To make shots more pristine;
For the proof is (they say) in the putting.
Brian Allgar:
“Look, these charges are really unfair!
They’re riddled with lies and hot air.
The riot that day
Was messy, OK,
But there’s proof I was not even there!”
Jean McEwen:
Though my tresses look messy, the breeze
Is the reason it’s tangled. So please!
Stop critiquing my hair!
You are being unfair.
At least I do not harbor fleas!
Bindy Bitterman:
Good heavens, it’s awfully unfair
To blame ME for the mess that’s up there!
Sure, it’s under my roof
But I rent to that goof
For whom “dress-up” means clean underwear!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I got holes in the lobes of each ear,
And tattoos on my back and my rear.
Then I ventured a look,
At a skin disease book,
And now I am riddled with fear.
Fred Bortz:
An unflattering SNL spoof
Sent that narcissist Trump through the roof.
When he tweeted, “Unfair!!
I have much better hair.”
They countered, “See now we have proof.”
J.OConnor:
They roundly agree she’s a square.
On the hole Peggy’s treatment’s unfair.
If Peg had looked ’round,
I’m sure she’d have found
A square Peg’s never fitting in there!
Terry Marter:
“Visit Scotland,” they said, – look for Nessie.
So we did, – took my dumb cousin Jesse.
He jumped in for a swim,
And soon Nessie found him.
After that, things became rather messy!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bindy Bitterman, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Marc Davidson, Mark Totterdell, Robert Schechter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (519)
Saturday, September 16th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One political faction –a horde —
Abandoned the pen for the sword.
But its plan was derailed,
And the splinter group failed,
Because no one would sit on the board.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the PITCH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The underdogs pick up the slack.
Neck and neck in the ninth; they’ve come back!
Last play for the cup;
The pitcher winds up,
Then the power goes out, – it’s pitch black.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: SINK, REFUSE, DAWN, ALARMING, CROWD.
Groused Aurora, “The moon sinks anon.”
(But she knew that the show must go on).
“In so many words,
My job’s for the birds!”
There you have it — the first crack of Dawn.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award for his clever Indictment Saga:
Through the years I’d become very jaded.
Would Trump face the music? I waited.
I’d gotten quite bored.
Alvin Bragg then restored
A small measure of justice, belated.
The pitch of Trump’s whining got higher
As Jack Smith held his feet to the fire.
Stolen docs were the crux.
If you ask me, it sucks
They were left in the loo of a liar.
More charges were crowding the field
Because Smith was refusing to yield.
He proceeded to fix
The main blame for 1/6
As Trump’s sanity tottered and reeled.
A new day is beginning to dawn;
It’s alarming to think what went on.
Fani Willis may sink
All these mobsters, I think.
Like the shreds of Trump’s mind, they’ll be gone.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Justin OConnor, Sharon Neeman, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOARD or BORED-RHYME DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
Long after our water was poured
The waiter appeared, looking bored.
“I can tell by your suit
The specials are moot;
There’s nothing that you could afford.”
Brian Allgar:
They thought the much-feared water-board
Would unlock all the codes that were stored
In the Russian spy’s head,
But he told them instead:
“Most refreshing, that water you poured.”
Robert Schechter:
I’ve been Fermied and Einsteined and floored
By Dirac, and I’ve simply adored
Being Newtoned and Plancked.
All these men should be thanked.
But you asked about Niels? I was Bohred.
Janice Canerdy:
I was feeling neglected and bored.
Hubby kissed me. My low spirits soared.
I cooed, “Let’s go to bed.”
When he said, “Well, instead,
Would you fix me some lunch?” I was floored.
Lisi Nortman:
Her grounds for divorce struck a chord:
I asked, “How may I help you, Ms. Ford?”
Without shedding a tear,
Her answer was clear:
“For 55 years, I’ve been bored.”
Rudy Landesman:
At an opera he truly adored,
He never, no never, got bored.
In his own private box,
He pulled up his socks;
And in tune to the music he snored.
Brian Allgar:
Whenever the actor was bored,
He would dress as the Queen, and a horde
Of his friends came to tea,
Served with great majesty;
He never could reign, but he poured.
Rudy Landesman:
Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall
Made movies, and those were a ball.
Their films never bored.
Were they sexy? Oh, Lord!!
No need for their baring it all.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PITCH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
J.OConnor, for his Acrostic Pitch Limerick:
Prepare for a pitch that is great.
It might curve. It might sink or be straight.
The advice you should heed
Can be simple indeed.
Hit the ball if it’s over the plate!
Lisi Nortman:
Many sports lovers witnessed a pitch
With a very discomforting hitch:
The ball flew in the air
Unmistakably where
The batter would normally itch.
Sharon Neeman:
I’ve been given a Newf pup named Mitch.
When he runs, the whole house seems to pitch;
He barks and he drools
And he pees on my rules…
But (sigh) he’s so easy to scritch!
Terry Marter:
All I’m getting today from my muse,
Is a vacuous silence; no clues.
Each clever new pitch
I attempt, has a glitch
She could fix, put prefers to refuse.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A young rookie developed a glitch:
He’d swear (under his breath) when he’d pitch.
His old manager though,
Said, “Your pitch is too low.”
So he learned to yell, “Son of a bitch!”
Tim James, for his Imperfect Pitch:
A pianist who wasn’t too deft
Checked the key for a piece (to the left),
Saw one flat, and thought, “Gee!
This whole thing is in C!”
The result: his performance was F’ed.
J.OConnor:
He found a new spot, so he switched
From the place where his tent had been pitched.
The new spot he chose
Was where poison oak grows,
So he scratched all night long where it itched.
Terry Marter:
Whenever she tries to sing higher,
The sound she emits is quite dire.
She’s no Di’na Ross,
But she’s loved by her boss
Cuz she’s got the best tits in his choir.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder
A naked street artist named Dowd,
To an onlooker frankly avowed,
“I would never refuse,
To sketch YOU, if you choose,
But I’m happiest drawing a crowd.”
J.OConnor:
I know a nice fellow from Maine.
Who refuses to ever complain.
But a clog in his sink
Has him close to the brink,
’Cause his arm is still stuck in that drain!
Sharon Neeman:
Food pois’ning’s alarming, I think:
It makes an incredible stink!
Bad enough all that poo,
But the puke and the spew…
Come dawn, I must Drano my sink.
Lisi Nortman:
I awakened at dawn and I vowed
“No more lim’ricks!” (I screamed it out loud.)
Well, that lasted ONE day,
Cuz I can’t stay away–
Too far from the MADdening crowd.
Jean McEwen:
Overwhelmed by the mess in my sink
(Dirty dishes, beginning to stink)–
Then, a sudden caprice:
Dawn can handle that grease!
P&G draws me back from the brink.
Lisi Nortman:
I sank low, and I’d do it again;
I bent over backwards for Ken.
You might think it alarming,
But Ken is so charming,
That I helped him escape from the pen.
Tim James:
Said a guy who was amply endowed:
“Sure, this makes me stand out from the crowd.
Though some gals have refused —
They’re alarmed they’ll be bruised —
For the most part, the ladies are wowed.”
Rudy Landesman:
I refuse to get up before dawn.
I’d rather be quartered and drawn.
But don’t worry, my friends.
Before this day ends
I’ll be up and I’ll see you anon.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Paul Haebig, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Obituary, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (513)
Saturday, August 19th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to J.OCONNOR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
She swung on a swing and was swayed
By the sound of a song in the shade.
The song that was sung
By the swing that was swung
Was a sweet swinging soft serenade.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TEST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Barbie’s got a particular yen,
But her man flunked that test once again.
He said, “Sorry to fail ya;
I’ve no genitalia!”
So sex remains outside her ken.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: DUCK, GIFTED, JITTERY, MERGE, STAR.
There once was a plumber named Jack,
Whose pet duck, you might say, had his back.
When on jobs Jack would bend,
And display his rear end,
The fowl, gifted with hindsight, warned, “Quack!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Terry Marter, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Gail White, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Janice Canerdy, and J.OConnor. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEST-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
Though they told us full tests had been made,
We felt jittery as the thing swayed,
And we ducked, one and all,
When we thought it would fall …
But the Tower of Pisa has stayed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE-RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
When my lottery winnings were paid,
I figured, it’s time to upgrade!
So now I unload
On a golden commode,
Then wipe with a roll of fine suede.
Terry Marter:
I told mum he’d proposed, in my text.
Her reply, left me somewhat perplexed:
I’d remarked “I’ll be swayed,”
But my typo read “spayed.”
She wrote “PLEASE have kids, – DON’T get de-sexed.”
Tim James:
Said a friend of Van Gogh’s: “It’s now clear
Vincent’s case of depression’s severe.
He’s not easily swayed
By mere words, I’m afraid.
Should you see him, just lend him an ear.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A pastor who had no desire,
To threaten of brimstone and fire,
Said, “I’d rather persuade,
With a nice serenade.”
He was preaching, no doubt, to the choir.
Jean McEwen:
Can’t his acolytes see the charade?
Against Trump I have often inveighed.
Yet, I’ve yet to dissuade
Any MAGA folks; they’d
Sooner die than admit they’ve been played.
Terry Marter:
She dressed in the finest kid suede
In her quest to get lucky (that’s laid.)
In an area shaded,
She soon was dis-suede-ed
By a randy old goat in the glade.
Gail White:
The Fates can be hard to persuade,
When I’m hoping my fortune is made.
For I never quite seem
To accomplish my dream
To get rich, or get high, or get laid.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Said a tough-skinned and shrewd dairymaid,
To a callow young calf who had strayed,
“Keep your nose in the grass,
And cover your ass,
Or your gonna end up being swayed.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEST-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Bob Turvey:
Herbal cooking is now all the rage
So the wife studied herbs for an age.
If you ask, as a test,
“For this meal, which is best?”
Her answer will always be sage.
Brian Allgar:
The Producer said: “For your screen test,
You must first get completely undressed,
Then demurely recline
On this casting-couch. Fine!
Just relax, and let me do the rest.”
Lisi Nortman:
“Hello Mr. Tense. I’m Joe Shrink.
This test will reveal what you think.”
“Doc, it looks like some klutz
Flipped out and went nuts,
Then knocked over a bottle of ink.”
Tim James:
It’s exam time. Such anguish and woe!
I’ve not studied. I’m naked! Oh no!
Plus I can’t move or scream!
Wait…it’s only a dream.
What the hell? School was DECADES ago!
Bob Turvey:
Cried a lady, “My god what a whopper!
In use it should prove a show stopper!”
But when put to the test
It was lacking in zest
And it turned out to be a real flopper.
Dave Johnson:
His numbers are up as of late;
So Trump thinks indictments are great.
That notion, at best,
Would be put to the test
If “Guilty!” determines his fate.
Janice Canerdy, for her “A Student’s Rant:”
Them ole teechers is always such pests
With there homework and long, stoopid tests.
We already spells good,
And we talks like we should.
Their to mean to be pleezed with our bests!
J.OConnor:
Hermann Rorschach was not a great guest.
In fact, he was rather a pest.
He’d spill ink everywhere.
Stain your rugs and your chair.
Then tell you “It’s only a test.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
My friend was born gifted,- a star,
But I jitter when we’re in his car.
We came close to a merge
With a duck on a verge,
Now we’re three, on the verge, – in a bar.
Lisi Nortman:
When young, I could climb a big boulder.
I was gifted, but now I’m MUCH older.
The last time I merged,
I screamed and then purged,
And made a quick right to the shoulder.
Jean McEwen:
Even though I appear to be brave,
I feel jittery inside this cave.
Should my head fail to duck
I could forthwith get stuck.
Such an outcome would surely be grave.
Brian Allgar:
The film star was down on his luck;
He was not very gifted, the schmuck,
And he quacked when he spoke.
But they said: “Just the bloke!
He’ll be perfect to play Donald Duck!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Nervous Nellie in worry is stuck.
What is bound to befall her? Bad luck.
If she spies from afar
A divine shooting star,
She’ll jump out of her skin and yell, “Duck!”
Tim James:
A gifted young duck named McGee
Yearned to star in a show on TV.
But the nod went instead
To a horse, Mister Ed.
Show biz ain’t all it’s quacked up to be.
Dave Johnson:
The guys were quite nervous and jittery;
That Las Vegas club was so glittery.
Uneasiness surged
Till the showgirls emerged;
It seems they could handle the tittery.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Gail White, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Robert Schechter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (512)
Saturday, May 27th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Young Billy, as daft as they come,
Kicked a huge grizzly bear on the bum.
It was done as a dare,
But alas, now the bear
Has a Billy-sized bulge in its tum.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the PREPARATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Hans had eaten so much he could burst;
All the schnitzel and beer came up first.
He felt somewhat perplexed,
Thinking, “What will come next?”
While preparing himself for the wurst.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: RATING, BRAVE, BROAD, APPLE, QUARRELSOME.
On her dating app, vying for men,
Joy enhances her profile, and then,
To better compete,
She considers her feet,
And rates herself (broadly) a “ten.”
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins a Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
It began as a light-hearted dare,
That I wouldn’t strip off and walk bare
Down the length of the street
And greet ladies I meet
With, “Good morning! You’re welcome to stare.”
I made sure I was looking my best,
As one does when not wearing one’s vest.
Hearing nothing decried,
As I strode in my pride,
I believe the voyeurs were impressed.
All good things, though, must come to an end,
Lest an overindulgence offend.
It was time to behave.
I had dared and proved brave,
And – who knows? – may have started a trend.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Judy Freed, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Richard Orr, Bob Turvey, Robert Schechter, Tony Holmes, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Jon Nixon, BillR, J.OConnor, Terry Marter, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BEAR or BARE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PREPARATION-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Jean McEwen:
Plan to hike in the woods? Then prepare!
Pack some bug spray and trail mix to share.
To survive, if you can,
Make a getaway plan–
For you’re sure to encounter a bear.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Ranger Rick tells us how to prepare,
If, while hiking, we meet with a bear:
Wield a stick; jump and holler;
Lift arms (you’ll seem taller).
And if none of that works, try a prayer.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BEAR or BARE-RHYME DIVISION)
Judy Freed:
My friends sent me out on a dare,
To a beach where the bathers were bare.
My attempt to join in
Left a burn on my skin.
Can’t blame them. I guess it was fair.
Lisi Nortman:
I told Mama “I need to prepare
For a speech at “The Naturist Fair.”
Her response: “Here’s a trick.
Which is easy and quick:
Just picture your audience bare.”
Richard Orr:
A man at a bar, I declare,
Brought his stuffed support animal there.
Friends cried, “Go pet a skunk
Whilst incredibly drunk!”
In response he just grinned, “Hold my bear.”
Bob Turvey:
Camel drivers who got to the Bosphorus,
All shouted out, “Get glue and moss for us!
All our camels are bare
For we’ve sold all their hair
And we hope moss will cover the loss for us.”
Robert Schechter:
The grizzly announced, “I won’t wear
Any clothing, and simply don’t care
If people are rude
When they see I am nude.
As a grizzly, I have to be bear.”
Tony Holmes:
If you camp in the woods, do beware
That you may well encounter a bear.
He’ll have food on his mind –
You’ll be fine if he’s dined,
But if not, you’re legitimate fare.
Tim James:
Ms. Godiva got naked? Big deal.
As I’ve aged, I’ve discovered I feel
That I don’t really care
If she rode around bare.
But her choc’late? That still has appeal.
Dave Johnson:
Away from the usual glare,
That beach is for nudists to share.
But lately some cold
Weather strengthened its hold;
For many, it’s too much to bare.
Jon Nixon:
A tatty and balding old bear,
Said that life hadn’t treated him fair.
He cried, “on my life,
I swear I’m a Steiff,
But my button fell off with my hair!”
BillR:
The National Parks’ Smokey Bear
Has been known to go off on a tear.
He’ll smoke up a storm
To keep himself warm
’Cuz he really has no clothes to wear.
HONORABLE MENTIONS PREPARATION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
I soon will be marrying Ken.
I’m counting the minutes till then.
My one sacred vow,
Which I’m pledging right now,
Is “Never plan weddings again!”
Tim James:
“‘Be Prepared’ is our longstanding motto,”
I heard from a Boy Scout named Otto.
“I’ve stocked up on booze,
Which is something I’ll use
If a Girl Scout should want to get blotto.”
J.OConnor says:
The meal was an absolute treat,
A great gastronomical feat.
Took so long to prepare
So it doesn’t seem fair
That it took only minutes to eat.
Terry Marter:
“Be prepared!” I was told as a Scout,
To solve problems when out and about.
But when trouble found Me,
It caused me to pee.
Now my leadership badge is in doubt.
Lisi Nortman:
For tornadoes, our family’s rehearsed.
We all must prepare for the worst.
We put steak in our socks.
This plan really rocks,
Cause the search dogs will find us folks first.
Terry Marter:
Unprepared, he decided last night
To go sailing alone at first light.
A swipe from the boom
Knocked him into the spume
Where he watched his yacht sail out of sight.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: RATING, BRAVE, BROAD, APPLE, QUARRELSOME.)
Tim James:
A quarrelsome woman named Tess
Rates my lims a misogynist mess.
She thinks gals in my verse
Are all airheads or worse.
She’s no fan of broad humor, I guess.
Lisi Nortman:
Don’t stand there and casually view it.
The river is broad; go swim through it.
The essence of “brave”
Is how you behave.
If it scares you, no matter what, Do It.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Hiring female employees, for Rex,
Is hard. All he thinks of is sex.
With each broad it’s the same,
So instead of his name,
He signs every rating with “x.”
Judy Freed:
I once had a quarrelsome friend.
All her points she would bravely defend.
Till she sat on a spoke,
Swearing it was a joke.
Seems she had the last word in the end.
J.OConnor:
I’m painting with rather broad strokes
When I speak about quarrelsome folks
And I say that their skin
Would not be as thin
If they only learned how to take jokes.
Rudy Landesman:
You say you might leave the Big Apple?
With its problems you don’t want to grapple?
I say, pull up your socks,
Have a bagel with lox.
And be brave. Have some borscht. No, not Snapple!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: BillR, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Jon Nixon, Judy Freed, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Richard Orr, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Light Verse Contest, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (509)
Saturday, January 7th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his funny two-verser:
A limerick writer was blue
’Cause the rhyme word was “blew,” and he knew
That his muse (nasty slut!)
Would produce only smut.
So he caved. What’s an artist to do?
The result:
A couple who drove through St. Lou
Got excited and tried something new.
They went into a roll
When he lost all control;
But it wasn’t a Goodyear that blew.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the RELIGION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“Commandments to get into heaven?”
Said Moses, “Let’s keep it to seven.”
But God said, “No way!
There are ten, and they’ll stay!
You’re lucky there aren’t eleven!”
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.
Eyes half-glazed, up I gazed at a soffit,
When some “crawly” (unnamed) fell right off it.
It dropped onto my iris,
An act undesirous,
From which none but my eye doc will profit.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Keone Morienga, Mark Totterdell, Gennadiy Gurariy, Gail White, Robert Schechter, Edmund Conti, Tim James, Fred Bortz, Steve Benko, Rudy Landesman, Ken Gosse, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BLUE or BLEW-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
Like a bat out of hell, my car flew,
Drifting hard ’round the bends; back-end slew.
Now I always must walk,
So I just talk the talk
Since the two-point-o-four that I blew!
Sharon Neeman:
Oh well, yes, I suppose it is true
That the sky and some flowers are blue,
But my mood’s bluer still
When I see (as I will)
That my tax refund hasn’t come through.
Lisi Nortman:
Dear Santa, I’ve been very kind,
Extremely polite and refined.
Gee, now I am blue
Cuz none of that’s true.
I’m tearing this up. Never Mind!
Terry Marter:
Inspiration has got a clogged vent;
My mojo’s behind with the rent;
My muse is so blue
She hasn’t a clue,
And I can’t coin a phrase, cos I’m spent.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
An untalented flute ingenue,
Good at humming, took up the kazoo.
Buzzed the flautists, “Atrocious!”
Purred Maestro, “Precocious.”
(The kazoo wasn’t all that she blew.)
Keone Morienga:
Are you overwhelmed, stressed out, and blue
’Cause you bit more off than you can chew?
H o O k E r S d R u G s M i N d L e S s s E x
f L e E F r O m H i T – A n D – R u N W r E c K s …
Just like that, you won’t feel so askew!
Mark Totterdell:
So I went as a Smurf to the do,
All dressed up with my skin tinted too,
But I must have, I think,
Used indelible ink,
And for weeks ever since I’ve been blue.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
The past tense of fly? Why it’s flew.
The past tense of blow? Surely blew.
So why did my teacher
(A hard-hearted creature)
Get mad when I said “the car slew?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RELIGION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Gail White:
Said Abraham, “Lord, could you fix
Just one problem before the Law sticks?
We’re devout to the core,
But are you really sure
We must all snip the ends off our dicks?”
Lisi Nortman:
There’s a new handy way to confess.
Go ahead; you’ll relieve all your stress.
You won’t have to wait.
And you’ll still make your date.
Get in line for the “Ten Sins Or Less.”
Sharon Neeman:
Dear Pastor, I know that you pray
For me hundreds of times every day.
Better save that entreaty:
I’m telling you, sweetie,
I plan to stay gay anyway.
Robert Schechter:
The Lord said to Abraham, “Go
And slaughter your son. Don’t be slow!”
Abe said, “Who am I
To refuse to comply?”
But his son said he should have said no.
Terry Marter:
Eve wandered through Eden, in song,
Looking hot in a fresh fig-leaf thong.
She soon was detected
By Homo Erected.
I ask: what, on Earth, could go wrong?
Edmund Conti:
Said Harry, “I’m decent and clean
And my prayers are all prayers that I mean.
I’m now eighty-seven.
I’ll soon be in Heaven.”
Said God, “That remains to be seen.”
Keone Morienga, who describes this as “Off-Label Use for Holy Anointing Oil”
When she paused to discuss a conjunction –
Sought to question an ampersand’s function –
I said, “Miss, please excuse,
But this rub down could use
Fewer ifs, ands, or buts and more unction.”
Tim James:
Do you know my friend Tom, the agnostic?
On the subject of faith he is caustic:
“Utter nonsense! What goof
Believes tales with no proof?”
That’s the story behind this acrostic.
Fred Bortz:
A dyslexic was left in the lurch
On the pulpit, where he had a perch.
He offered his prayers
To the great Dog upstairs
And soon was tossed out of the church.
Steve Benko says:
“Hey buddy, come join the crusade;
We’ll pillage and loot and get laid,”
Said the knight. And the Pope
Says “Don’t sit there and mope;
Get a move on! For conquest I’ve prayed!”
Rudy Landesman:
I went skiing last year up in Maine.
All week long it did nothing but rain.
If God is all good,
I don’t know how He could
Permit evil weather. Explain!
Gennadiy Gurariy:
I admit I can feel the flames lapping
When I start anapestic’ly rapping
With my lim’rickal horde,
Yet even the Lord
(When they’re funny) is secretly clapping.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.)
Ken Gosse:
Alas, silver has no perfect rhyme.
Rhyming profit with prophet’s a crime.
In Jove’s name, please don’t tease—
near-rhyme causes unease—
I get nauseous from rhyme that’s sub-prime.
Lisi Nortman:
We named our new baby girl Iris.
For this miracle, Sue was desirous.
In her fam-il-y way,
She was nauseous each day
A Miracle? Or just a virus?
Sharon Neeman:
That monster whose name rhymes with “frump”
Leaves me nauseous and needing a dump,
But his luck has begun
To run out — oh, what fun! —
And his profits will certainly slump.
Tim James:
Teased a comely young woman named Mae:
“Come and see me! I’ll cook, then we’ll play!
But my cooking may cause ya
A bad bout of nausea.”
We skipped straight to the nookie that day.
Jon Gearhart:
A Shakespearian line, some think keen,
I tease is much too widely seen.
“What’s in a NAME?”
That question is lame–
The answer’s MANE, AMEN and MEAN!
Tim James:
A woman named Jenny, he’s found,
Has a body and face that astound.
She’s a bit of a tease,
But she’s willing to please.
Silver baubles will bring her around.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Secret Santa is always the same,”
Groused The Grinch. “What a profitless game.”
He dug into his hat,
And sighed, “So much for that.”
Once again he had drawn his own name.
Tim James:
They say profits and wealth are a lie;
Silver loses its shine, by and by.
The possession of treasure
Will bring you no pleasure.
(I’m willing to give it a try.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A loner, named Ranger, prized tasks
That were mindless — like washing his masks.
If his doorbell should chime,
He’d tell Tonto, “Say I’m
Cleaning silver, if anyone asks.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Edmund Conti, Fred Bortz, Gail White, Gennadiy Gurariy, Jon Gearhart, Ken Gosse, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (504)
Sunday, November 13th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Once, a gentleman bought me a dress,
With a size label bigger than “s.”
In spite of its cost,
The garment got tossed,
While I muttered, “So much for largesse.”
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special SINGING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Poor Dorothy asks with a cry,
“If 𝑏𝑖𝑟𝑑𝑠 can fly, why then can’t I?”
How sweetly she sings!
But she doesn’t have wings,
And to answer her question, that’s why.
Congratulations to KEN GOSSE, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL. (Somehow KEN GOSSE managed to use all five of them.)
Ken Gosse:
Miss Muffet’s quick eye spied a spider
In a rush to the seat right beside her.
She soon left this vale
Not by snail, but speed rail,
With a bite from that tiny, pale rider.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Edmund Conti, Lydia Porter a/k/a Cabbie Monaco, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Bob Turvey, Elizabeth M. Baker, Sue Dulley, Gail White, Brian Allgar, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: DRESS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
I was sure that she gave me the eye,
So I took the next seat; squeezed her thigh.
Then she let me caress;
Slide my hand up her dress,
Where I quickly found out, she’s a guy!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRESS-RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
I’m really not bright, I confess,
And my brain’s an embarrassing mess.
My neurons are spent!
I thought “Gettysburg” meant
Not a speech, but a type of a “dress.”
Tim James says:
When she gave him the slightest caress,
He embraced her and pawed at her dress.
“What a creep!” you may say.
But it’s really OK:
He’s a pup. They excel at excess.
Edmund Conti:
Excuse me, I’m under some stress,
Having made my last lim’rick a mess.
You see, I must squint
When I read the fine print–
Please use “dress,” please use “dress,” please use “dress!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Many deeds in my past had tongues wagging,
And for years my atonement’s been lagging.
But I still can’t redress,
All my sins and confess,
Because God always knows when I’m bragging.
Lisi Nortman:
Although she enjoyed her success,
Working “retail” gives rise to much stress.
Selling women’s wear’s tough,
And what makes it so rough
All day long it’s re-dress and redress.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Once, a fierce fashionista named Zach,
Told his boss, “I am on the attack!”
But he made a big mess
When creating a dress
Out of gunny. So Zach got the sack.
Tim James:
I’m a dud with the ladies, I guess.
When I asked for a date, lovely Jess
Told me, “Meet me at eight
At my place. Don’t be late.”
Then she gave me a bogus address.
Robert Schechter:
You’re correct that my clothes are a mess.
Yours are better, I freely confess.
But I have you beat
If we’re asked to compete
For the title “Most Fun to Undress.”
Cabbie Monaco:
Applying for jobs, gurus stress
That at interviews you must impress.
Don’t make a mistake
Like my bearded mate, Jake.
He turned up in a scarlet silk dress.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SINGING DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
We ladies at “Sunset” are shrewd.
We don’t sing in the shower; it’s lewd.
Cause then we will dance,
Likely slip, and perchance
The Medics will notice we’re nude.
Mark Totterdell:
Any time I attempt karaoke,
Whether poppy or rocky or folky,
Though I think I’m a star
With the best voice by far,
I am really all tuneless and croaky.
Paul Haebig:
Our feelings, I know, differ vastly,
But I’ve always been fond of Rick Astley.
He is awfully cute!
We can watch him on “mute,”
Since you think that his singing is ghastly.
Terry Marter:
I am singing a beautiful song;
My voice sounds so good; can’t go wrong.
Then my friend’s voice breaks in:
“What the fuck is that din?
Quit the wailing, – and put down that bong.”
Sjaan Vandenbroeder:
My attempts to learn lyrics fell flat.
Karaoke, though, took care of that.
I mouth into the mike,
Any jabber I like,
And there’s always some guy who’ll yell, “Scat!”
Tim James:
When she sings, the collection of “notes”
She emits as she squirms and emotes
Is as soothing and sweet
As an ungulate’s bleat.
Oh my God, that’s an insult to goats.
Terry Marter:
On the shore; through the storm, I would sing.
As waves crashed, to love’s mem’ries I’d cling.
Held my pearls to the sky,
With a tear in my eye, –
Then they broke, and I swallowed some bling.
Tim James:
A chordophone-plucking jamoke
Crooned his ballads for Renaissance folk.
His gal gave him the boot
And made off with his lute —
Thereby leaving the guy flat baroque.
Rudy Landesman:
So now that I’m no longer young,
I’ve sharpened the bite of my tongue.
But don’t ask me why
I let sour notes fly.
It’s best we leave that song unsung.
Bob Turvey:
In China when springtime is young
And shoots from the ground have just sprung
To help them along
Folk sing them a song
And the singer is often called Sung.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL) .
Edmund Conti:
Whenever you rush for a seat
You’ll find some young girl has you beat.
But don’t make a fuss
You are not on a bus.
It’s Musical Chairs, so compete!
Sjaan VandenBroeder
Snidely Whiplash, a dastardly male,
Rushed to tie lovely Nell to the rail.
I am bound to feel pain,”
She said, hearing the train,
“But I’d rather do this than eat kale.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
At the show, first in line for the loo,
Aesop’s hare eyed a snail in the queue.
Why’d the rabbit retreat,
And rush back to his seat?
Some might say that he sensed déjà vu.
Elizabeth M. Baker says:
The post office “rushes” my mail,
But slowness will always prevail.
In mail-time we speak;
One day is a week,
And that’s ‘cause the mailman’s a snail!
Sue Dulley:
She left the north-west in a gale
And travelled to London by rail.
She needed to rush
(Ask her why and she’ll blush)
But the train was as slow as a snail.
Gail White:
A snail took a seat on a rail
And watched as the sunrise grew pale,
When a snail in the grass
Shouted, “Watch it, you ass!
Behind you a train’s coming! Bail!
Brian Allgar:
This eye-catching race never fails;
All the seats were jam-packed to the rails.
Bang! The starting-gun shot,
But a rush it was not –
The event was a race between snails.
Terry Marter:
On a bright winter’s day, a cute snail
Warmed himself on a sunlit steel rail.
Then along came the rain,
And a rather large train.
Sunbathe Fail. End of snail. End of tale.
Lisi Nortman:
“Take a seat”, said the eye doctor, Scott.
Heard he’s thorough, I liked him a lot.
I asked, “Can I see
Your notes about me?”
He smiled and said, “Probably not.”
Jean McEwen:
A letter, these days, sent by mail
Seems to move at the pace of a snail.
Ask the postman to rush?
He will just retort: “Hush!”–
And annoyingly, then, drag his tail.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Cabbie Monaco, Edmund Conti, Elizabeth M. Baker, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (502)
Saturday, October 2nd, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I once caught the flu from a fly
Who flew on my pie from on high.
I put down the coup
By slamming my shoe
Into what has become shoefly pie.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special BRAGGING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
After scaring up “Friends” coast-to-coast,
Casper boasts on a post, “I’ve the most!
Countless followers boo me,
And thousands see through me —
Not to mention the millions I ghost!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Ken Gosse, Rudy Landesman, Gennadiy Gurariy, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FLY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BRAGGING LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar
“I’m a yugely-equipped kinda guy,”
Boasted Donald, unzipping his fly.
So the hooker went down,
Gave a mystified frown.
“I can’t find it,” she said with a sigh.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FLY”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sue Dulley
The shock made me think I would die;
A bug in my fabric supply!
I started to froth
At the mouth – “Help! a moth!!”
But it turned out to be but-a-fly.
Dave Johnson:
A math teacher learned how to fly;
The skill that allowed him to try
His brand-new technique.
Now some students may seek
To learn about pi in the sky.
David Friedman:
There once was a young fly named Whit
Who hated his life quite a bit.
“To be,” he would sigh,
“A bee, not a fly,
And fly among flowers, not shit!”
Sue Dulley:
I am stuck in this treetop so high,
Just a chick; I don’t know how to fly.
I attest that it’s best
That I rest in this nest,
Egg me on, kick me out and I’ll die.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I said, as I pawed through the rack,
For a baseball mitt (something I lack),
To the clerk standing by,
“Soon I’ll catch my first fly!”
He said, “Why not just give it a whack?”
Brian Allgar:
My wife hates the food when we fly;
She complains: “Gourmet food? What a lie!”
On our journey to Sydney
They served steak-and-kidney.
“You see? It’s just pie in the sky.”
Dave Johnson:
While under a microscope’s eye,
This subject has secrets to pry.
Entomologists know
That it just goes to show
There’s stuff you can learn on the fly.
Robert Schechter:
I looked up by chance at the sky
When a pigeon pooped crap in my eye.
I let out a curse,
But it could have been worse:
Imagine if hippos could fly!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Always failing when aiming too high,
I was flailing with each futile try.
So I set my sights lower,
And learned to go slower.
Now I’m skillful at killing a fly.
Tim James:
His pick-up lines just didn’t fly.
“You’re a pig!” said the gal in reply,
Then got mad (who’d have guessed?)
When he asked her in jest:
“Would you like to come up to my sty?
Robert Schechter:
I swear that it wasn’t a lie
When I said I would not hurt a fly,
But you, as you know,
Are a human, and so
Prepare, motherf*cker, to die.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BRAGGING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Ken Gosse:
While I stood in the checkout line, bragging,
The speed of the line started dragging.
My stories were bold,
But were too often told.
They begged me to “Please, finish bagging!”
Sue Dulley:
I am old and I live on a pension;
I have few ways to get your attention.
So permit me to say
In a (non-)bragging way:
Mad once gave me an hon’rable mention.
Rudy Landesman:
My wife, not to brag, is just grand.
She answers my every demand.
When we are in bed,
She gives me great head
And does wonderful things with her hand.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
When posting my profile on Bumble,
I’m hoping that I didn’t fumble
By laying out raw
My only grave flaw
Of being exceedingly humble.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone: (on Covid Rules)
For the last two darn years, we have sat
Alone in our house or our flat.
Like we fell in a hole,
Never went near one soul.
Not to brag, but I’ve ALWAYS done that.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
About boasting, I needed advice,
And my minister said, “It’s not nice.
You like praise, and want more?
That’s what fun’rals are for.”
I guess bragging rites come with a price.
Tim James:
At the bake-off we all heard her boast
That the judges would like her bread most.
She committed a goof
And her dough failed to proof —
So now it appears that she’s toast.
Byron Miller:
“Only I have the deal that you want,”
Says the braggart with ego to flaunt,
But I can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Gennadiy Gurariy, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, December 5th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“To my girlfriend,” wrote ardent Bernard
(Who considered himself quite the bard),
“You’re a treasure, sweet Jo;
You make love like a pro.”
He got dumped. Writing poetry’s hard!
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special LITIGATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I’m poor now, but boy, if you knew me
When I was still rich, that’s the true me!
I said, “I’m the king!
Bow down! Kiss my ring!”
But I shouldn’t have added, “So sue me!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Mark Mironer, Brian Allgar, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Terry Marter, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Konrad Schwoerke, Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARD, BARRED, DISBARRED, or BOMBARD” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
You can use it for salads or stock;
You can smoke it like pot (that’s no crock.)
You can even bombard
Streets with petrified chard
To keep leaf blowers off of your block.
Dave Johnson:
Our nation is limping and scarred
By his criminal lack of regard.
With Trump on the way
Out the door, I do pray
That his next house is walled-off and barred.
Mark Mironer:
Poor Donnie is taking it hard
So he’s hunting for votes to discard.
Sent his crooked A.G.
On a fraud faking spree.
Certifiably Barr’ll be disbarred.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Would you care for a piece of my chard?”
(But by “piece” I was sure he meant “shard.”)
“Not one fragment, one sliver,”
Said I with a shiver.
(From my table these days Sade is barred.)
Brian Allgar:
The windows were padlocked and barred.
The detectives were stumped; Scotland Yard
Called a private detective
Who’d prove more effective:
“Sherlock Holmes” was the name on his card.
Inspector Lestrade was quite shocked
By how quickly the case was unblocked.
Said Holmes, “Element’ry!
The burglar gained entry
By op’ning this door – it’s not locked!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LITIGATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tony Holmes:
Two confectioners rushed into court,
Each demanding, “You must try my torte!”
“Let the jury decide,”
Said the judge. “I’ll preside.
We’re in session. Let counsel exhort!”
Brian Allgar:
Rudy cries “I’ll continue to sue
Ev’ry state that attempts to vote blue!
And as for my face,
It’s a total disgrace,
So I’m suing those dye-makers too.”
Sharon Neeman:
It behooves the American nation,
In this era of grave infestation,
To wash hands and wear masks,
Avoid crowds and shared flasks,
And refrain from inane litigation.
Terry Marter:
It’s goodbye to that house you’re vacating
And straight to that cell block awaiting.
You can pout, you can frown,
But you’re still goin’ down.
It’s over, — no courtroom debating.
Tim James:
A man filing suit after suit
Found that none of them bore any fruit.
Plus, his client, a jerk,
May not pay for the work.
Rudy couldn’t have been less astute.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“Did you kill that girl some folks called Flo?
Whose cheeks were so pink that they’d glow?”
“Well, I chopped off her head
And then left her for dead.”
“Mr. Johnson, please say, “yes” or “no.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A young con man who knew no chagrin,
Told his dad, “I’m so practiced at spin,
I should go into Law.”
“That sounds good,” said his paw.
“I was hoping you’d turn yourself in.”
Konrad Schwoerke:
I’d not promised a thing when she blew me,
So her lawyer’s curt letter sure threw me.
I don’t fathom what HE meant
By “oral agreement,”
But I’ll lick her in court should she sue me.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Mironer, Robert Schechter, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, October 12th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I said, “Sigmund, you must get a grip!
I’m not watching a cross-dresser strip.”
But he tuned out my plea;
Now I cannot unsee
What was under his Freudian slip.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Boss-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Mid-management suck-ups are worst;
Indulging their own selfish thirst.
Don’t ask for a raise,
Any guidance or praise;
The backsides they’re smooching come first.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “GRIP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BOSS-Themed LIMERICKS)
Fred Bortz:
The sailors all started to shirk
’Cause the man at the helm was a jerk.
He soon lost his grip
On the crew of the ship.
He was more Captain Hook than James Kirk.
Tim James:
My boss says, “I run a tight ship,”
As we’re crushed in his power-mad grip.
When I quit one fine day
I’ll look over his way;
The proverbial bird I will flip.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIP” RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
I swallowed the ’shrooms, took a trip
On a glorious, mystical ship,
And words cannot say
What I gained on that day
From the lesson of losing my grip.
Roger Haugen:
When the sickly old man took a sip
Of a potion with unsurpassed zip,
The flu quickly fled–
He leapt from his bed,
So glad he was losing his grippe.
Jean McEwen:
Dick just should have bitten his lip,
But, enraged, he tripped up (lost his grip),
So he shrieked at his shrink,
“Bitch, you drive me to kink!”
(Then regretted his Freudian slip).
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOSS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Though I work every day at a loss,
My company won’t come across:
“There’s no money for you.”
And I know that it’s true,
Because actually, I’m my own boss.
Robert Schechter:
“Come here. Brush my teeth,” said my boss.
I did so and did not grow cross.
But I threw a big fit
And I threatened to quit
When he opened his mouth and said, “Floss!”
Dave Johnson:
A crabby, mean boss in Seattle
Grew sick of employees he’d battle.
But lately the word
Is he’s driving a herd;
He thinks he’ll do better with cattle.
Tim James:
His boss and he frequently clash,
And he suffers, as under the lash.
Here she comes, and he’s sure
There’s fresh hell to endure:
“If you would, dear, please take out the trash.”
Lisi Nortman: (Advice to the New Girl)
“Don’t get yourself into a tizzy;
You’re so nervous, you’re making me dizzy.
Remember, I said:
‘You must keep a cool head.
When the boss walks in, act like you’re busy.’”
Konrad Schwoerke:
The top dog at my firm is a jerk,
Always leering and touching at work.
But they laughed sans restraint
At my HR complaint;
Now the bitch makes me bump, grind, and twerk.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, September 7th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Nitroglycerin’s touchy, although
It’s quite safe in the hands of a pro.
Which I am. So don’t fret;
I’ve had no problems yet.
I’ve no fear it will ever explo―
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INTERNET HAZARD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
You ask, “Why does Donald use Twitter
To govern?” Well, what could be fitter?
With his phone on his lap,
He can spew out some crap,
While the rest of it goes in the shitter.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tanja Cilia, Suzanne Heymann, Mike Moulton, John Shardlow, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PRO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
In translation, I’ve earned my good name;
I have reaped recognition and fame —
Ah, but even a pro
Can be dealt a grave blow
By an innocent Internet game:
“Only 10,000 words for today?
Fine! I’ll just take a moment to play…”
But those “moments” can cost —
No words done! Six hours lost!
And now all I can say is “Oy, vey.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRO” RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
At a high-school debate long ago,
My opponent, alas, didn’t show,
But I was unfazed
And the crowd was amazed
As I argued both sides, con and pro.
Tim James:
His writing was that of a pro ―
A bit morbid and skin-crawly, though.
Talking birds, howling cats:
Stuff like that is just bats!
(A description that’s most aproPoe.)
Dave Johnson:
Some people are wearing GoPro;
Real handy for filming a show.
But here’s where its charm
Might be viewed with alarm:
Not turning it off when you go.
Tanja Cilia:
I bought a palatial chateau
For a long-lasting tryst with my beau.
But the plumbing was bust;
There was mold, rot, and dust,
And the place was all cons and no pro.
Dave Johnson:
My Labor Day burgers will show
I’m running the grill like a pro.
But knobs turned in vain
Showed a lack of propane;
It’s off to McDonald’s we go.
Suzanne Heymann:
If a worker says “Oops!” or “Oh no!”
Or appears to be nervous or slow,
Gives you sass or acts crass,
Has the brass to pass gas,
You can bet your sweet ass he’s no pro.
Mike Moulton:
One ev’ning, Melania said, “No,
My headaches do trouble me so,
And the baby won’t sleep.
Your urges will keep.”
Said Donald, “I‘ll hire a pro.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICK DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
Her message exclaimed, “You’re so hot!”
I was flattered. I said, “Thanks a lot!”
We chatted. I fell
Quite under her spell
Till I learned it was love at first bot.
John Shardlow:
I’ve heard from an African Prince
Who’s doing his best to convince
Me to share in his wealth
And transfer by stealth
Dirty money he’s trying to rinse.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
The Internet sure does “entice.”
(I’m obsessed with my wondrous device.)
But when networking broke,
I went downstairs and spoke
To my fam’ly; they seem really nice.
Fred Bortz:
The virus arrived undetected
In a message I never suspected.
The disguise was so slick.
All it took was one click.
My computer’s now sick. I’m infected!
Dave Johnson:
Some people we happened to meet
From an Airbnb up the street
Were full of despair;
Zero linens in there.
That really did happen – no sheet.
Sharon Neeman:
A Facebook ad showed Jim a blouse
That he thought he should buy for his spouse:
“She’s size ‘M'” — but what came
In the mail (to his shame)
Would have fit on an av’rage-sized mouse.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, John Shardlow, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mike Moulton, Robert Schechter, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Tanja Cilia, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, August 10th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A fellow was high as a kite
’Cause his girlfriend had made him that night
Special brownies and cakes.
Yes, she knows what it takes
For a guy to feel love at first bite.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special THREAT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A director whose films are quite lewd,
Would tell a new actor, “I’m rude
If somehow I fail
To disclose one detail:
Show up and you’re gonna get screwed.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Val Fish, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Kirk Miller, John Cooney, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BITE/BYTE” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
I am teaching our doggy to bite
Any yellow-haired morons on sight,
So both Johnson and Trump
Will be nipped in the rump
As our dog wags his tail with delight.
Val Fish:
’Twas a nightmare, a terrible fright;
Count Dracula taking a bite.
But then I awoke;
It was hubby’s sick joke.
He slept DOWNSTAIRS the rest of the night.
Jean McEwen:
“Fear not!” Trixie said. “Just sit tight!
Buster’s bark is much worse than his bite!”
And so, trusting her word,
I sat tight — but incurred
Twelve deep gashes I’m nursing tonight.
Brian Allgar:
I roamed through the forest at night;
One tree was surprisingly bright.
Two eyes in the bark
That gleamed in the dark–
Who could know that the critter would bite?
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I got rid of those bed bugs that bite
And now I can fin’ly sleep tight.
But what’s that I hear
Climbing into my ear?
Did something just say “Nighty Night?”
Tim James:
With the racism, rancor, and spite
From a dimwit whose head just ain’t right,
It’s depressing to know:
Eighteen months still to go.
May I please have a bullet to bite?
Robert Schechter:
What’s that? What you say isn’t right.
Though a dog when it barks is not quite
Being friendly, the cur
That I’ll always prefer
Is the one who just barks but won’t bite.
Kirk Miller:
A computer store owner named Wright
Has a good sense of humor and might
Post a sign when he’ll go
Out to lunch so folks know:
“Be Wright back, went to get a quick byte.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (THREAT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
He said nothing, made no idle chat,
But the threat was still clear, for all that:
“Great and mighty am I;
Disobey me and die!”
(That’s a typical ’tude for a cat.)
John Cooney:
“Hello, I’m not in at the minute.
Be brief with your message. Begin it
With age, sex, location,
And key information:
Your address and when no one is in it!”
Lisi Nortman:
We’ve only just recently met,
But already I’m starting to sweat;
She proclaimed, “Let’s get married!”
And now I am harried
Cuz that is one serious threat!
Dave Johnson:
To kiddies, a parent would drone:
“Behave – or you’ll sit all alone!”
That’s back in the day;
Now they’re likely to say:
“Enough – or I’m taking your phone!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, John Cooney, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Val Fish, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (328)
Saturday, June 15th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
An airliner flushing its can
Flew over a sports-loving man.
While watching the game,
Through his roof it all came;
And that’s how the shit hit the fan.
(Dave notes that this actually happened during a 1992 Seahawks/Raiders game.)
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special PEST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Before you kill rodents, it’s best
To consider who’s host and who’s guest.
From their point of view
It’s most certainly true
That you and not they are the pest.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Charles Mousseau, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Ailsa McKillop, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, David Miller, Roger Haugen, and Bruce McGuffin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PEST LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
I bought and installed a big fan.
“Keeps mosquitoes away,” said the man.
They were false guarantees,
For the pests loved the breeze,
And the bloodsucking banquet began.
Brian Allgar:
Said an angry, disgruntled ex-fan:
“That swamp-draining promise? Oh, man!
Instead of de-pested,
The swamp’s more infested
Than even the day you began!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FAN” RHYME DIVISION)
Charles Mousseau:
“I’m sweltering on this divan;
Swirl the air just as fast as you can,”
She begged of her friend,
Who declined in the end,
With “I’m sorry; I’m just not a fan.”
Sharon Neeman:
An autograph-seeker named Stan
To invade a star’s flat had a plan:
He had come there, said he,
“To replace your A/C” —
Which made sense, because Stan was a fan.
Tim James:
Herb the gardener couldn’t abide
That he got no sweet love from his bride.
She hooked up with a man
Who’s a big oral fan.
Consequently, she tossed Herbicide.
Robert Schechter:
In twenty-sixteen when he ran,
The fall of our nation began.
The fires of hate
Did NOT make us great
But consumed us as Trump held the fan.
Ailsa McKillop, who notes that this is a true story about thinking one’s found a fellow Gilbert & Sullivan enthusiast:
The ticket evoked old Japan;
A geisha it showed, with a fan.
“‘The Mikado!’ The best!”
But the judge said: “You jest!
It’s Puccini, La Scala, Milan.”
Fred Bortz:
On his feet sore from bone spurs, he ran
From that war. (He was never a fan.)
An excuse, finely crafted,
Meant Trump wasn’t drafted,
And taught him that lies make the man.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PEST LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Settle down! It is only a roach!
Just do this: As he makes his approach
Up your thigh toward your tush,
And then heads for your bush,
Grab the Raid Spray and dole out a dose!
Sharon Neeman:
Not the blood, not the frogs, not the lice,
Nor wild beasts and diseases not nice,
Could faze Pharaoh — but when
He hit Plague #10,
He grew weary of paying the price.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
With pests that are big, you say, “SHOO,”
But when they are small, that’s not true;
In our water bed we
Thought there might be a flea
When we noticed a tiny canoe.
David Miller:
I have smoked hairy spiders and slugs.
I have snorted crushed beetles off rugs.
I’ve injected some bees
And I’ve popped lots of fleas.
Yes I should have just said “no” to bugs.
Tim James:
I once knew a fellow named Riley
Whose bosses regarded him highly.
I thought him a pest
’Cause of what he did best:
Kissing management’s butts very slyly.
Roger Haugen:
The cops made a slew of arrests
In notorious criminal nests;
When asked why the fuss,
The Chief said “That’s us–
“We detest those pestiferous pests.”
Bruce McGuffin:
I’m a garrulous poetry rogue on
My way to verse worse than a Vogon.
My iambs suggest
Out-of-whack anapest.
Would it help if I put a fake brogue on?
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Who thought of the words “Pest Control?”
I think they are laughingly droll.
With these bugs I’m not thrilled,
And I just want them killed,
But to govern them isn’t my role.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Brian Allgar, Bruce McGuffin, Charles Mousseau, Dave Johnson, David Miller, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (324)
Saturday, April 20th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“I am not apathetic,” said Lydia.
“That is not why I have to get rid o’ ya.
So don’t be confused
If I seem unenthused;
It’s cause YOU fucking gave me chlamydia!”
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special LEMON-Themed Limerick Award for this clever acrostic limerick:
Low in fat, rich in vitamin C,
Especially good with iced tea;
Must try it on fish
Or a nice salad dish.
Not to worry; lots more on the tree!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sim Smailes, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Fred Bortz, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Kat Irving, Alan Hochbaum, Brian Allgar, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSED/CONFUSED” RHYME DIVISION)
Sim Smailes:
Led Zepp’lin could not be accused
Of letting themselves be abused.
Yet one angry fan
Let fly with a pan
And left them all “Dazed and Confused.”
Tim James:
A dude was extremely confused
When he heard the term “cowpuncher” used.
He thought: “Punch? Is that how
I get milk from that cow?”
So he tried it. That bull’s not amused.
Robert Schechter:
I went to sleep happy. It’s done!
The end of Trump’s day in the sun!
I was shocked and confused
When I woke and perused
The papers. The bastard had won!
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Sweet Granny was very enthused
And eager to read “The Accused.”
When I said, “It’s online,”
She remarked, “That sounds fine;
But where is the book? I’m confused.”
Fred Bortz:
“Your Honor,” he said, “I’m confused;
Was there something I missed while I snoozed?
The attorneys are boring.
That’s why I was snoring.”
So the judge glared and said, “You’re excused.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“EYES” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
I looked deep into Stephanie’s eyes,
And I knew she’d been telling me lies.
’Twas a blow to my pride
That she felt, deep inside,
I fell short of her standards for size.
Ken Gosse:
I become quite confused when I write,
Once my brain cells have fused for the night.
But that’s not a surprise,
Since the blur in my eyes
Comes from lemonade, whiskey, and Sprite.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My old teacher was not very wise;
She would drink and steal all the supplies.
And as blitzed as could be,
She insisted that we
Dot our t’s and then cross all our eyes.
Kirk Miller:
Said a young buxom gal to two guys,
“What I say should be no big surprise.
Here’s what I would like best
To get off my chest:
It’s simple — your four staring eyes.”
Steve Benko:
We made contact at first with our eyes,
Then in bed came her passionate cries;
By this Hollywood star
I got blown in my car.
What? You think that I’m telling you lies?
Kat Irving:
As she dances, I watch my sweet prize.
She has tender, young breasts; meaty thighs.
I’m a cannibal, me,
And all I can see
Is a truly great feast for the eyes.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LEMON LIMERICK DIVISION)
Alan Hochbaum:
Oh, let me not stammer nor hedge
’Bout my clunker that froze like a veg;
When I next need a lift
My new model will shift…
And that, folks, is my lemon pledge.
Tim James:
She sliced lemons to rub on her chest,
Neck and shoulders, then made a request
Of her man: “Be a peach;
Rub the parts I can’t reach.”
It’s a task he’s approaching with zest.
Brian Allgar:
“Them ‘oranges’ Darwin invented?
The guy musta been quite demented.
His theory is feces –
‘The Lemons of Species’
Would make as much sense,” Trump dissented.
Dave Johnson:
I owned a mid-Seventies car;
It managed to show me how far
(With handles that broke
And performance a joke),
That Mustang had lowered the bar.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My favorite flavor of Jell-O
Is orange; it makes me feel mellow.
The name of that fruit
Is its color (how cute!)
So why ain’t a lemon called “yellow?”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Alan Hochbaum, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Kat Irving, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Sim Smailes, Steve Benko, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (320)
Sunday, April 7th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to THOMAS VINCENT, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:
Tough love may be fine when you’re grown,
But for children, best leave it alone;
If you raise kids or chard
With a heart that is hard,
You will soon reap just what you have sown.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DIVORCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A newlywed couple I know
Will divorce in a few weeks or so.
What’s the cause of their split?
He’s not yet found her clit.
If he can’t make her come, then she’ll go.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Brian Allgar:
Said King Henry, “I’m dying to wed
Anne Boleyn – she gives really great head.
So first I must ditch
My last wife – frigid bitch!
But the Pope says ‘You’re married till dead.'”
“I’ve begged him until I am hoarse,
But he simply won’t budge. Well, of course,
I am nobody’s dope –
I’ve outsmarted the Pope
By inventing a thing called ‘Divorce.'”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, David Reddekopp, Steve Benko, Margie Nairn, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Kat Irving and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GROWN or GROAN” RHYME DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
When ice cream is sold in a cone
That can’t hold a scoop on its own,
Let alone two or three
I’ll say “Kids’ size for me,”
And ignore how much up I have grown.
David Reddekopp:
I’ve made lim’ricks an art all my own
And as time has gone on, it has shown
That my poetry runs
With many more puns
As my lim’rick collection has groan.
Steve Benko:
My children are now fully grown,
But I still don’t much care for their tone.
By me they’re embarrassed,
And visits? The rarest,
Except when in need of a loan.
Margie Nairn:
She hopped from the bed with a groan:
“Where’s that condom? It seems to have flown!”
“Don’t be daft,” said her mate.
“But please rush! Oops, too late,”
He said with a smile and a moan.
Tim James:
A misogynist let out a groan
At how “ugly” he found an old “crone.”
No one’s told the big creep
Beauty’s only skin deep;
As for stupid, that goes to the bone.
Brian Allgar:
When Trump showed the hooker his bone,
She giggled. “Think THAT can be blown?”
Returning his dough,
She said “You’d better go –
Come back when your dick’s fully grown.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
That document sure made me groan;
It’s wording, to me, was unknown.
So I saw Rabbi Hunt,
And he read back to front.
Then explained The Reverse Mortgage Loan.
Dave Johnson:
A stripper club dancer is known
To bring down the house on her own.
Her circle of fans
Never sit on their hands;
She’s seen how its members have grown.
Robert Schechter:
A pun’s like a seedling that’s sown,
So fragile, its future’s unknown.
Most die in the ground,
But sometimes it’s found
That a pun will survive till full groan.
Roger Haugen:
The athlete delivered a groan
When struck in the crotch by a stone;
Like all macho jocks
He’s proud of his rocks:
“They’re the most precious things that I own.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DIVORCE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
He’s made off with the dogs and the house,
Yet he still feels empowered to grouse
That I wouldn’t condone
His crass cheating (well known)–
As if I, and not he, were the louse.
Robert Schechter:
Our love for each other was true.
We were married. Our love only grew.
But the day she said “MAGA!”
Our amorous saga
Was over. Our marriage was through.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
For years I was suff’ring with grief.
I’ll tell you my story, real brief:
I got wed (then remorse),
So I got a d-i-v-o-r-c-e,
And that is how I spelled relief.
Steve Benko:
Said Henry the Eighth, “My new church
Leaves no man with a plan in the lurch.
If your wife gives you grief,
You can turn a new leaf
And be free while for pussy you search.”
Kat Irving:
He cried when the judge looked his way.
“Divorce me?” he groaned in dismay.
Then the judge wiped his tear
With my checkbook. It’s clear
That my Ex won the jackpot that day.
Kirk Miller:
Though both of the Cyclops did try
Hard to make marriage work, theirs did die;
Said the new divorcee,
“We just couldn’t agree
At all. Didn’t see eye to eye.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Jean McEwen, Kat Irving, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Margie Nairn, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (319)
Saturday, February 23rd, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a Deal-rhyme limerick and an Argument-themed limerick:
Though the guy had seduction in view,
She had argued the whole evening through.
At the end of the meal,
She explained: “Here’s the deal –
If you want me, my girl-friend comes too.”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ARGUMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
People argue online quite a bit;
Many tweets are just quarrelsome shit.
I have one thing to say
About Twitter today:
The emphasis lies on the “Twit.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and CRAIG DYKSTRA, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Sharon Neeman:
“Let’s play cards,” said my date. “Look, I’ll deal
One card each; if you lose, you must peel.”
He drew ten; I drew nine;
He snapped “Well?” I said “Fine!” —
And prepared all the spuds for our meal.
Craig Dykstra:
Then he said “I propose something greater:
To your sexual whims I will cater.
Skip the kitchen ordeal,
We’ll make love with great zeal –
And if time allows, cook taters later!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, John Shardlow, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Thomas Vincent, Doug Harris, Victor Hood, Robert Schechter, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Judith H. Block, Jean McEwen, and Margie Nairn. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ARGUMENT LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
“I’ll make dinner all week,” said my spouse,
“If you let me off cleaning the house.”
“Are you crazy? No deal!
Your idea of a meal
Is cold hot dogs! Start scrubbing, you louse!”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her acrostic limerick:
A tiff can be quite an ordeal.
Remember it takes time to heal.
Get a bottle of wine;
Uncork — don’t decline.
End your fight and go have a nice meal.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME DIVISION)
John Shardlow:
A money mad girl from Great Billing
Was for coins of the realm always willing;
For just three pence, the deal
Would give you a feel.
Now think what she’d do for a shilling!
Tim James:
You think Stone has cojones? Get real.
He’ll take one look at Mueller and deal.
When he’s finished, this crook
Will have written a book
With the title “The Art of the Squeal.”
Brian Allgar:
The hooker gave Donald her spiel:
“Oh, your penis is simply ideal!
What a wonderful dick!
Not too long, not too thick!”
(Thinks: “It’s more of a snack than a meal.”)
Thomas Vincent:
The truth has become an ordeal,
And the facts have all lost their appeal.
Like Salvador Dali,
You betcha by golly,
Reality’s turning surreal.
Doug Harris:
“Two-for-one on new lenses, a steal,”
The optometrist said with appeal,
Through his monocle stare.
“I buy mine by the pair,”
I replied. “So it’s hardly eye-deal!”
Victor Hood:
The neophyte gambler had zeal,
So he said to the dealer, “Just deal!”
With his purse soon consumed,
He said as he fumed:
“This game has lost all its appeal.”
Robert Schechter:
I have heard people say, “Wheel and deal,”
And I know the word “deal” to be real.
In commonplace jargon
It just means to bargain,
But what does it mean when we “wheel”?
Tim James:
Achilles got quite the raw deal:
He got shot in the foot. The appeal
Went from Greece to on high:
“O you gods! Will he die?”
The response from Olympus: “Yes, he’ll.”
Byron Miller:
Social media’s such an ordeal;
It compels me to tweet how I feel.
Now I can’t sit alone
Without holding my phone
And I won’t face a book that is real.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ARGUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
The toilet roll’s really a wonder
When properly pulled from way under.
But John turned it around,
So it dropped to the ground,
And that is what tore us asunder.
Dave Johnson:
They went to a party last night
That led to a late-evening fight.
His wandering eyes
Earned a painful surprise:
“The couch!” as she reached for the light.
David Friedman:
Ann Marie argued daily with Joel,
Who would leave the seat up on the bowl.
Joel had to leave town
On the day Ann sat down
And got her ass wedged in the hole.
Judith H. Block:
The bistro had soft candle lighting.
Her smile was come-hither, inviting.
But her throat got a lump
When he praised Donald Trump,
And they ended up angry and fighting.
Jean McEwen:
Do you think I should marry my beau?
There are arguments — both con and pro.
He’s obnoxious and loud,
But he’s SO well endowed,
And it’s hard to resist all of that dough.
Dave Johnson:
They sometimes may quarrel at night;
Declaring who’s wrong and who’s right.
But then he will say
“Let’s just call it a day.”
He would much rather dicker than fight.
Margie Nairn:
I’m done with the Sunday talk shows
That feature political foes.
They will argue and spin
Over which one will win,
When the truth is that nobody knows.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Craig Dykstra, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Margie Nairn, Robert Schechter, Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Victor Hood, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (316)
Saturday, August 4th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Now, a word that’s not easy to peg,
Is the word for the white of an egg.
Repeat “joke joke joke joke”
And you’ll think the word’s “yolk.”
But it’s not: I’ve been pulling your leg.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special SPAM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I tried on-line dating, but since
I’m finding it hard to convince
Any girls to reply,
I suppose I shall die
A lonely Nigerian Prince.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ken Gosse, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Will T. Laughlin, Robert Schechter, Tony Holmes, David Franks, Tim James, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “YOKE/YOLK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SPAM-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Ken Gosse:
One morning, my egg had a yolk
Which was green, like a St. Patrick’s joke.
And so was my ham,
So I wrote, “Spam I Am.”
Dr. Seuss sued, so now I am broke.
Sharon Neeman:
I’m allergic — Fate’s cruelest joke:
If you offer me peanuts, I’ll choke;
I get rashes from fruit
And from dairy I toot,
And I eat neither egg white nor yolk.
I throw up from salami and Spam;
I can’t touch chicken, duck, beef or ham;
I break out from tomatoes —
What’s left? Sweet potatoes
Thrice daily. I yam what I yam.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“YOKE/YOLK” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
He made a mistake when he spoke;
He said “would”, but meant “wouldn’t,” poor bloke.
Now he sulks in disgrace
With egg on his face —
Dumb Donald just can’t take a yolk.
Lisi Nortman:
In order to get to the yolk,
You give that cute sucker a poke.
Then gook will spill out
Like a damn gushing spout.
Cooking sucks. Just eat out. Go for broke.
Sharon Neeman:
“First you iron the sleeves, then the yoke,”
Grandma taught me, and “Sprinkle — don’t soak!”
Now I wear crinkle cotton,
But haven’t forgotten
The love in her voice when she spoke.
Dave Johnson:
Humpty Dumpty, like regular folk,
Would sit on the wall for a smoke.
But after his splat,
Said a fellow named Pratt:
“I told you that guy was a yolk.”
Will T. Laughlin:
I’m afraid I’m not one of those folk
Whose “yoke” sounds the same as their “yolk.”
Oh, I could pretend;
But I know, in the end,
I’d regret it the moment I… spolk?
Robert Schechter:
To those who are hip, wise and woke,
The white’s not as healthy as yolk,
So if you’re consumin’
Not yolk, but albumen,
It’s likely that soon you will croak.
Tony Holmes:
Svedish businessman, Jurgenson Svolke,
Was so large all his clothes were bespoke.
“Ven you’re sefen feed tall,
Normal clothes is too schmall;
Gedding trousers dat fit is no yoke.”
David Franks:
We’re a team, as if joined by a yoke,
And our “marital bond” we invoke,
But my wife made a noose,
For she didn’t deduce
That “the old ball and chain” is a joke.
Dave Johnson:
In rowing, he’s known as The Stroke;
Then there’s Starboard, another big bloke.
They power the shell
When it’s all going well
Like oxen attached to a yoke.
The rest of us try to keep pace;
Intent upon winning the race.
If we manage a burst
And we wind up in first,
Our coxswain gets launched into space.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPAM-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Did you know that The Donald loves Spam?
I’m totally shocked. (Yes I am.)
But now on reflection,
There is a connection.
Of course! He’s the world’s biggest HAM!
Tim James:
What’s in Spam? Here, I’ll give it a stab:
Salt and nitrite (both more than a dab),
Sugar, water, starch, meat.
It won’t hurt you to eat,
Though it looks like it’s grown in a lab.
Konrad Schwoerke:
From my snooze, I awoke to the stews’
Cries for women and children, in queues.
What could cause all this panic?
Was this the Titanic?
It was Spam on our Carnival cruise.
Dave Johnson:
This P.O.T.U.S. is such a big sham;
He embodies the flim and the flam.
Dr. Seuss would prescribe
One fate for his tribe:
A diet of green eggs and Spam.
David Franks:
It’s not marmoset, egret or lamb;
Neither lizard, nor hagfish, nor clam;
Not giraffe, worm, dog, cat,
Yeast, turducken or bat,
Nor planarian. I’m guessing Spam.
Lisi Nortman:
Even though it was clearly a sham,
I opened this e-mail. (Oh damn!)
It said, “Here’s a great plan:
It’s called ‘Pork In A Can'”
(Any jerk could just tell it was Spam.)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Franks, Ken Gosse, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Robert Schechter, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (303)
Saturday, November 11th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The lascivious, lewd, lazy lord
Had a harem, one hell of a horde.
Lots of sex (his sole goal)
Stopped his heart, took its toll,
As too many a hole was explored.
Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Special CHAOS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Steve Whitred:
With Max on the case we all knew
That the phone ringing came from his shoe,
That he’d miss ‘by that much’
But come through in the clutch,
And that KAOS would always ensue.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
“Please tell me, of those who’ve been whored,
Which sluts might a beggar afford
For a sexual tryst?”
He gave me a list
With the name of your mom underscored.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER and BRIAN ALLGAR, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Robert Schechter:
The Devil, no less than the Lord,
Is looking for souls he can hoard.
I’ve heard both their pitches
But still don’t know which is
The team I’ll be hopping aboard.
Brian Allgar: (The Devil replies)
If you’ve had a good time, if you’ve whored,
If when sinning, your spirits have soared,
Then you’re welcome. If not,
Maybe Heaven’s your spot,
But I warn you – you’re gonna be bored.
Robert Schechter:
All my life I have partied and whored
Since the day my umbilical cord
Was snipped, till the day
I could no longer pay,
So my virtue was sadly restored.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHAOS LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
I’ve searched through my limerick hoard
For a piece about “chaos”. I’m floored!
I know there must be one,
So why can’t I see one?
My files are chaotically stored!
Sharon Neeman:
Disorder she’d always abhorred;
When the hurricane came, she was floored!
Her possessions were scattered
And ruined and shattered.
“Just take me now, Lord!” she implored.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME DIVISION)
David Reddekopp:
There once was a woman, quite bored.
She went out on the street and she whored.
But she wasn’t a looker,
And no one would book her;
Her night as a hooker: ignored.
Sue Dulley:
My nose started bleeding – good lord!
It’s blood I can little afford.
From nostrils it issues –
Now where are my tissues?
They’ve hidden themselves in my hoard.
Dave Johnson:
On display, an unusual hoard
Of artifacts nicely restored.
Erotic in style,
They remind with a smile
How debauchery scored with the bored.
Fred Bortz:
With the whole Red Light District explored,
Where each one of the horde had been whored,
The warriors returned
To their base where they learned
About STD treatments ignored.
Robert Schechter:
A group of Norwegians, a horde,
Once offered a prayer to the Lord:
“Before our life ends,
Won’t you send us a Benz
Instead of a broken-down Fjord?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHAOS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
“Chaotic” can only describe
A trip with the family tribe.
From “Gotta go potty!”
To “STOP BEING NAUGHTY!”
3:30? It’s time to imbibe.
Suzanne Heymann:
On my lap, my cute Shih Tzu had pooed.
I freaked out and then chaos ensued.
It was much worse a sin
Than just stuck to my skin;
That’s because I had been in the nude!
Sharon Neeman:
The supplies were delivered today,
And the work starts tomorrow, they say;
Now I can’t close my door —
No, nor walk on the floor —
For the boxes of tiles in the way.
I’ve just had the nastiest fall
On the sink that is blocking my hall;
There’s a tap in my hat,
And I can’t find the cat,
And there’s no room to sleep here at all.
Tim James for his “Acrostic” Limerick:
Pay heed to what’s up in D.C.:
Utter chaos ’round hookers who pee.
There’s just one man who scores
In this tale of the whores.
Now look left, and you’ll see who’s the key.
Suzanne Heymann:
On climate change, Trump wants to ban it.
The ember of chaos – he’ll fan it.
He refuses to listen
To facts that he’s missin’
With actions dismissin’ the planet.
The scientists have all the proof.
All their work done got scrapped by him – Poof!
He believes there is worth
In destroying the earth.
How’d his momma give birth to that goof?!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (285)
Saturday, December 10th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I know you’ve been naughty, not nice,
By indulging your energy vice.
My traditional role
Is to leave you some coal,
But you’d burn it and there goes the ice.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHOPPING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
On Black Friday they heeded the call
To Go Buy! They jammed in, wall-to-wall.
Trampling, mayhem and fights
Are the ample delights
Of tradition: The Great Shopping Maul.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Jeanine Silverio, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Linda Ann Nickerson, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“ICE” RHYME DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
The new skating rink blueprints are nice,
But they carry a very high price.
Funding’s frozen and they
Say expect a delay,
So the architect’s put it on ice.
Robert Schechter:
An Eskimo asked, “What advice
Would you give me to help me entice
A woman in Gnome
To come into my home?”
I said, “You must first break the ice.”
Brian Allgar:
If your wife asks for helpful advice
About jeans she’s just purchased, think twice.
“Do they make me look fat?”
“Only slightly.” Then, splat!
Now I’m soothing my eye with some ice.
Suzanne Heymann:
I once had a head full of lice,
And a friend said, “Just freeze ’em with ice.
Simply stick your whole head
On the Knik River bed.”
Now I’m buried and dead. (Great advice!)
Jeanine Jamero Silverio:
For you couples all looking to spice
Up your love life, well here’s some advice:
Think your wife’s down to earth
And cares not for net worth?
She’ll get hot for two carats of ice.
Konrad Schwoerke:
My mail-order bride wasn’t nice.
Said my legerdemain was a vice,
And magicians are lame,
So I’m hardly to blame
For turning the bitch into ICE.
Tim James:
A plumber tried breaking the ice
With the lady next door. She was nice,
And she made her needs plain.
So he snaked out her drain.
She was thoroughly satisfied. Twice.
Wendy Playter:
A mob boss named Sugary Ned
Liked baked goods and one day he said,
“It would be very nice
If this cake got some ice!”
(And later the cake turned up dead.)
Robert Schechter:
When you die, if you pay a high price
They avow they will put you on ice
And thaw you someday
The moment that they
Are able, so you can live twice.
But don’t bother, my friend. I will bet you
There’s little this process will net you,
For even if they
Could cure you someday
It’s more likely by far they’d forget you.
Linda Ann Nickerson:
My neighbor’s demeanor’s like ice.
He gives answers unkind, imprecise.
He’ll stop, stand, and stare
With nary a care,
And he won’t take his own bad advice.
When pigs fly, he’ll pick up his trash,
And he may even burn up his stash.
The scents from his deck
Bounce like a bad check,
So daily our teeth we do gnash.
And still, as he passes, I wave,
But hope he’ll go back in his cave.
He won’t be ignored,
For he’s head of the Board,
So all of us have to behave.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOPPING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
The shop-lifting queen often gloats
Of the number of items she totes.
“I’m thin before thieving,
But fat when I’m leaving –-
Five sweaters, four skirts, and three coats.”
Dave Johnson:
They ordered a fancy new phone
Delivered by Amazon drone.
The service was fast,
But left them aghast;
Their chimney’s a dropping-off zone.
Suzanne Heymann:
Have you ever seen some woman shopping,
While her man tags along with store-hopping?
He’s there holding her bags,
While she tries on new rags.
On and on he just lags without stopping!
How about, at the end of the day,
She should let him just have his own way;
He will tell her, “I dare
You to put on and wear
Just your birthday suit there on display!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jeanine Silverio, Kirk Miller, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Ann Nickerson, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, October 29th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
He poured her a very nice Cab,
But she didn’t drink any, or gab.
And the sex later flopped:
When he poked her, she popped.
It’s no fun when the gal is pre-fab.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special FRUIT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“Would you care for an apple?” she cooed.
He didn’t. But not to be rude,
He took a small bite.
God forgave him? Not quite.
Our merciful Lord came unglued.
God raged, and his anger was vicious.
He said what they did was pernicious!
But Adam told Eve,
“Well, I guess we must leave,
But boy was that apple delicious!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Steve Earp, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, Kirk Miller, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CAB” RHYME DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
Said the doctor to Barney McNabb,
“Your results have come back from the lab.
Your ataxia’s worse.”
Barney turned to the nurse:
“Did the doctor just call me a cab?”
Brian Allgar:
“I can’t go to the ball, I’m so drab!”
“Don’t worry, dear – Abracadab!”
With a soft, swishing sound
Cinderella was gowned,
And the pumpkin transformed to a cab.
Steve Earp:
Said a girl Trump attempted to grab,
“Get your hands off and call me a cab.”
On encircling her waist
With bravado misplaced,
He was floored by her brutal left jab.
Sue Dulley:
On too many a cold marble slab
In a med school anatomy lab
With a tag on its toes
Lies another of those
Who refused to go home in a cab.
Robert Schechter:
My mother says, “Don’t pick a scab.”
“If you’re drunk, do not drive. Call a cab.”
And she tells Donald Trump,
“When you see a nice rump,
Remember: just look, do not grab!”
Will T. Laughlin:
“I’m drunk,” muttered Rita to Mab,
“You should probably get me a cab.”
Mab, pouring more wine,
Said, “A Cab would be fine,
But this Chardonnay, honey, is fab!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FRUIT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
I’ll make money. How hard could it be
To grow fruit upon many a tree?
So an orchard I bought,
But the profits were naught.
’Twas a fruitless endeavor for me.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
My body is shaped like a pear.
At other girls’ chests guys would stare.
But I watched their boobs drop,
While mine stayed on top.
Sometimes life does end up being fair.
Tim James:
Out in public the guy was a brute,
And his legions of fans followed suit.
Grabbing privates? That’s lewd.
Though I hate to waste food,
One response crossed my mind: throwing fruit.
Suzanne Heymann:
Cherimoya and Damson and Jambul
And the Salak may seem like a gamble.
There’s the Longan, the Nance–
Go ahead, take a chance.
But you’re wondering, why do I ramble?
The Satsuma will cleanse, not pollute,
And the Yuzu, which smells nice to boot.
All these, plus Rambutan
Don’t have any gluten,
For each of these words is a fruit!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Steve Earp, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (264)
Sunday, October 16th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to STEVE EARP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this timely limerick:
He says if you’re famous you’ll find
It’s easy to bump and to grind.
So you, Trump supporter,
Just think of your daughter,
And question with whom you’re aligned.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Autumn-Themed Limerick Award for this clever limerick:
If you’re wondering what you should call
The season when Eve “had a ball,”
It used to be Autumn
Until the Lord caught ’em;
Since then, it’s been known as the Fall.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Robert Schechter, Allan Eastman, Fred Bortz, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIND” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
She’s known to be wholesome and kind,
And possesses a wondrous behind.
While she doesn’t hold grudges,
To dancing club judges
She does have a big ass to grind.
Kirk Miller:
Christmas shopping can be quite a grind.
The best presents? I think you will find
If you want a big lift,
Meditation’s the gift
That’s the best. You get presence of mind.
Tim James:
No woman would give him a grind,
So his sex life was all in his mind.
He knew well his own touch,
Although maybe too much:
He’s grown hair on his palms and gone blind.
Wendy Playter:
The cornmeal I ruthlessly grind
Make tacos that taste more refined.
But although higher-class,
There’s just as much gas,
And music soon follows behind.
Robert Schechter:
As a Starbucks barista I find
It’s helpful to clear out my mind
With occasional breaks,
But that’s all that it takes
To ease me back into the grind.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (AUTUMN LIMERICK DIVISION)
Allan Eastman:
A nudist group once had the gall
To protest the oncoming Fall.
“We WON’T Wear No Pants!”
They swore in their chants.
(Bet they wished they’d at least brought a shawl.)
Robert Schechter:
When autumn arrives, trees turn bare
And I’m filled with my yearly despair
That winter will come
And put frost on my bum,
And I can’t stand a cold derriere!
Fred Bortz, who celebrates the Autumn holiday known as Election Day:
From Tuesday the eighth of November
We’ll celebrate on through December
That women saw through
What that grabber would do,
And their votes soon deflated his member.
Dave Johnson:
The colorful look of the trees;
A slight little chill in the breeze.
Yes, Autumn’s sublime,
In advance of the time
When ice brings us all to our knees.
Tim James:
In late autumn, I never forego
A Thanksgiving Day feast. This year, though,
I’ll give thanks, say “Amen”
Two full weeks before then
When I see Donald Trump gobbling crow.
Suzanne Heymann:
It’s autumn, the midst of October,
When the wind blows each tree to disrobe her.
The summer did end,
And the cold’s ’round the bend,
So I don’t recommend being sober.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allan Eastman, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Steve Earp, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
