An Orthodox woman was shakin’;
She’d been saved by a stranger from breakin’
Sev’ral bones in a fall.
The stranger (quite tall)
Said “No handshake? I just saved your bacon.”
******
“International Bacon Day” is celebrated on the first Saturday in September each year.
A boy was bawled out by the nuns
For his sly use of off-color puns.
But he swore “I’m not punning!”
(The fellow was cunning.)
“Besides baking, just what’s done with buns?”
I was inspired to write this limerick by the many male-written limericks I’ve read about priests:
I’m a female and Jewish, so never
Had priest problems – none whatsoever.
I don’t mean to be caustic.
I’m deeply agnostic;
Dodging clergy at large — my endeavor.
Rosh Hashanah is early this year.
The calendar (Jewish) does veer
Just enough to confuse me,
Confound and bemuse me.
I must labor to get back in gear.
When someone’s depicted as “poor
As a church mouse,” I want to know more:
Are mice in a church
Always left in the lurch?
And if so, why not forage next door?
“I am sick of the snow! Make it stop,”
I complained to a neighborhood cop.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Kane.
Weather’s NOT my domain.
Try that guy in the sky — it’s HIS op.”
Limerick Ode To Holiday Fasters
By Madeleine Begun Kane
To those who are fasting right now,
It is best not to think about chow.
And I hope that this tip
Doesn’t strike you as flip:
Though it’s stressful, please don’t have a cow.
Mark (unlike me) follows the Passover dietary rules. And now that the end’s in sight, he’s practically panting in anticipation of pizza and pasta.
Pasta Dreams (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My husband’s excitement is rising.
His mood’s leavened, which isn’t surprising.
Cuz Passover week
Is soon ending its streak;
Bread and pasta-decriminalizing.
Passing Over Some Rules (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Though I’m Jewish, I’m still eating bread
And refuse to munch matzo instead.
I spurn rules all the time,
Except canons of rhyme
And of meter … so don’t be misled.
May your seder be lovely,
A holiday treat.
May it not be too late
Till you finally eat.
Happy Passover to all who celebrate it!
My limerick was inspired by this news item:
Group of observant Brooklyn drug dealers told customers they were closed for Shabbat: The five men would text customers with warnings that they were about to stop dealing around sundown Friday, according to a criminal complaint…
“The men are accused of peddling heroin, oxycodone, cocaine and other drugs from their Bedford Ave. drug warehouse…”
Observant Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
If you plan to sell drugs and break laws,
It seems God will forgive all your flaws,
And you won’t be a goner
So long as you honor
Shabbat with a crime-breaking pause.
Since I’m a devout agnostic, my response to Writer’s Digest’s latest poetry prompt essentially wrote itself. Here’s the prompt:
For this week’s prompt, take the phrase “Holy (blank),” replace the blank with a word or phrase, make the new phrase the title of your poem, and then, write your poem.
And here’s my limerick:
Holy Proselytizing (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Holy proselytizing’s annoying,
Whatever technique you’re employing.
I have one strong belief:
Way too much of our grief
Has been caused by religion-deploying.
People aren’t the only ones in Seattle enjoying weed; BB Ranch butcher William von Schneidau’s “pot pigs” are partaking in cannabis too. According to von Schneidau, adding “weed to the feed,” makes the pig meat more savory.
Pigging Out On Weed (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Feeding weed to your pigs, you’ll agree
Seems a little bit odd, but you see
There’s a butcher who’ll swear
It makes tastier fare.
This doesn’t sound kosher to me.
Passover practice:
Cut leavening from your bread.
Add it to your life.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner plus the Honorable Mentions.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow was way off his game…*
or
A woman was way off her game…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Off One’s Game (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow was way off his game
And was looking for someone to blame.
He concluded that God
Had given the nod
To his nemesis — talk about lame!
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner plus the Honorable Mentions.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman who always seemed game…
or
A fellow who always seemed game…
Here’s mine:
Game Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman who always seemed game
To attempt any venture you’d name
Resisted just one:
French kissing a nun.
Her excuse? “I can’t kiss an old flame.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, in the “Author” section just below my Limerick-Offs button. Thanks!
AWOL Angel (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I guess guardian angels are fine.
I don’t know, cuz I’ve never met mine.
If I have one, it’s hiding—
No guarding, no guiding.
What I’m missing, I can not divine.
(Written for the We Write Poems Guardian Angel prompt.)
UPDATE: August 22 is Be An Angel Day, and October 2 is Guardian Angels Day.
As I’ve mentioned previously, my pal Patrick McGuire runs a weekly Unfinished Limerick Contest. The latest finished oddly, as explained in this … uh … press release. And I’m proud to say I garnered an Honorable Mention, despite having broken just about all of the contest’s rules. How did I pull off this feat? You’ll just have to read Patrick’s blog.
Here’s my entry:
Limerick Ode To Greed
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Tis the season to make lots of cash
For business, for God. Got a stash?
Yes, ain’t it ironic
That greed is so chronic?
We worship the gods of mall trash.
When I was growing up, my mother used to joke that “Christmas isn’t such Jewish holiday.”
We Jews do tend to feel left out of things this time of year. After all, Chanukah may be really, really long, but it just doesn’t have that Christmas panache. Ask Jon Stewart, if you don’t believe me.
So I think we Jews need a Christmas limerick, and I’ve written one in my late mom’s honor:
A Jewish Christmas Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
You’re Jewish and feeling left out?
We have holy days too we can tout.
So enjoy and feel chipper.
We’ve still got Yom Kippur.
On second thought, go ahead — pout.
Update: For those who pronounce Yom Kippur the other way, I’ve written an alternative B-rhyme for the 3rd and 4th lines. Here’s the alternate version:
A Jewish Christmas Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
You’re Jewish and feeling left out?
We have holy days too we can tout.
Ain’t you thrilled to your core
By the great Yom Kippur?
On second thought, go ahead — pout.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
