Posts Tagged ‘Randolph Wagner’
Saturday, May 14th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny three-verse limerick:
A (young) woman who lived in a shoe
Knew perfectly well what to do:
To fulfill her kids’ needs,
She’d resort to misdeeds —
Petty theft; yes, and shoplifting, too.
To ensure that she wouldn’t get caught,
She dissembled far more than she ought;
But she grew so distressed
That, at last, she confessed
To the Chief of Police — who’d have thought?
The old Chief looked her over and said,
“You’re both lovely and clever. Let’s wed!
I’ll forgive your… invention.”
She voiced no dissension…
Now she gets his pension. (He’s dead.)
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special INVENTIONS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The invention of Alex Graham Bell
Has devolved so that some users dwell
In its internet pit
Of lies, rancor, and shit.
It is called the Ninth Circle of Cell.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Konrad Schwoerke, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Jean McEwen, Randolph Wagner, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Joe Williams. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEEDS or MISDEEDS”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A tennis pro known for misdeeds,
With an ego that fame often breeds,
Disrespected his sport —
Sowed wild oats on the court!
He’s the worst of some really bad seeds.
Linda A. C. Fuller:
The widow reclined in her weeds,
While savoring former misdeeds:
Her husband she’d killed,
His kidneys she’d grilled,
And then served up with sesame seeds.
Konrad Schwoerke:
I look through the lens of my time
And see much we might now call a crime.
Were they really misdeeds
Or just differing creeds?
I don’t know, but I got it to rhyme.
Mark Totterdell:
He’s the shittiest shit in creation,
Quite the worst of a bad generation,
With a nature that leads
To appalling misdeeds,
So he ended up leading the nation.
Lisi Nortman:
A judge performs critical deeds
According to ethical creeds.
He’s the one who sets bail.
He can send you to jail.
And he asks lots of “how do you pleads?”
Jean McEwen:
I have found that committing misdeeds,
When done artfully, often succeeds.
Those who mindlessly swallow
Rules other folks follow
Just forfeit, alas, their own needs.
Randy Wagner:
The conjugal date that Will made
For last night had been badly misplayed.
As the darkness recedes,
He discovers misdeeds
Were performed on the maid he’d mislaid.
Brian Allgar:
“We’re imposing a no shilly-shally ban,”
Says America’s own home-grown Taliban.
On this vilest of deeds,
The signature reads
“S. Alito,” as monstrous as Caliban.
Tim James:
A real estate fraudster named Leeds
Said, “The greed of my marks suits my needs.
I sold five diff’rent ducks
Tampa swampland, the schmucks!”
Here endeth this tale of fowl deeds.
Tony Holmes:
“On the whole, I am really quite nice.
And am almost a stranger to vice.
Not for me the misdeeds
That true naughtiness breeds.
Just a bit, now and then, to add spice.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INVENTIONS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
The inventor of Autocorrect
Has died; he deserves our respect,
Cuz he taught us to spell
And he did it so well:
The funnel’s at ate. I have chekked.
Sharon Neeman:
My invention, I’m told, is quite keen:
It bumps pols who are thuggish and mean.
But it knows how to spare
Those with hearts, who do care —
It’s a “Vote Democratic!” machine.
Fred Bortz:
The outcome was nearly the worst.
The inventor believed he was cursed.
All his high hopes were smashed
When his vehicle crashed.
He should have invented brakes first.
Randy Wagner:
Said Bach to young Madam Beauvais,
“Allow me to play, if I may,
A sweet two-part invention.”
(He chose not to mention
‘Twould be contrapuntal foreplay.)
Tim James:
Said a man to be judged by St. Pete:
“Let me pass through these gates, I entreat.
I belong here, it’s clear;
I invented light beer!”
He got sent to The Bad Place, tout de suite.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
She said, “Edison, turn on a light.”
She asked Orville, “You fancy a flight?”
It’s that very same Muse
Some inventors abuse,
Who told Franklin to “Go fly a kite.”
Joe Williams:
I wonder what kind of inventor
Was first to invent a placenta,
And which did decide
It is best when it’s fried,
With a side of delicious polenta.
Konrad Schwoerke:
It was me who invented sham pain.
As an addict, I’d always complain
To the docs in the hope
They’d prescribe me some dope.
I’m just kidding, my drug was cocaine.
Lisi Nortman:
The greatest invention’s a chip,
So I pack some for ev-er-y trip.
The wheel was okay
In many a way.
But it doesn’t pair well with a dip.
Konrad Schwoerke:
The wheel is a wondrous invention,
But the barrel’s my choice for ascension.
There’s its round, bulbous shape,
And a bottom to scrape,
Plus it’s fun due to monkey retention.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Joe Williams, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, April 16th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
After viewing the faces of those
God created, authorities chose,
Not the Cyclops, but Man,
To reflect the Grand Plan.
And the eyes did outnumber the nose.
Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Special SECURITY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
One evening a thief tried his best
To break through the lock on my chest.
I yelled, “you’ll get shot!”
And aimed the red dot,
But then let my cats do the rest.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Randolph Wagner, Tony Holmes, Gennadiy Gurariy, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, Fred Bortz, David Friedman, Sharon Neeman, and Lisi Nortman Ardissone. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOSE or KNOWS or NOES” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SECURITY LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
Putting lips near my ear with such surety,
She mind-read my thoughts of impurity:
“Forget all your prose;
I got nothin’ but Noes,
So zip it, or I’ll call Security.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOSE or KNOWS or NOES”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Randolph Wagner:
A harlot removed all her clothes
And remarked, “Fella, here’s how it goes:
Let my breasts, butt, and thighs
Be a feast for your eyes,
But one touch and you’ll pay through the nose.”
Tony Holmes:
“Yes, your conk is patrician. It shows
You have breeding: it’s more than a nose.
From your soles to your head,
You’re a true thoroughbred.
And another sure sign is six toes.”
Gennadiy Gurariy:
The body’s a palace of woes:
Some think that the pit of the toes
Is the messiest spot,
But I think it’s snot
And must, in all truth, pick the nose.
Doug Harris:
Pinocchio’s (honestly) grows,
And Rudolph’s consistently glows.
While Jimmy Durante
In width upped the ante,
Cyrano de Bergerac knows.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve a theory I wish to propose,
As did Stein with “a rose is a rose”:
A snout and a sniffer
And whiffer may differ,
But a nose is a nose is a nose.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Folks like Trump are America’s foes.
These damned know-nothings cause us great woes,
With their vicious opinions
And vacuous minions.
I’d rather be led by the “knows.”
Tim James:
My limerick muse comes and goes.
How to keep her around, no one knows.
When she goes on the lam,
I can’t rhyme worth a damn.
I should think about sticking to prose.
Fred Bortz, for his two-verse “If Larry David wrote a certain 1960s situation comedy”:
Samantha would wiggle her nose
Whenever she needed new clothes.
But most times that she twitched
On the sitcom Bewitched,
New troubles for Darrin arose.
She was taught by her mother, Endora,
Who learned from her mother before her
How to raise Holy Hell
By casting a spell
With the Yiddish phrase, “Oy! Keinehora!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SECURITY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
Though I type at a reas’nable pace,
And slow-ly-put password in place,
The computer says “No.”
But I’m RIGHT! (I checked “Show.”)
But apparently, that’s not the CASE!
David Friedman:
The locks that Lynn keeps all about
Would keep her secure, there’s no doubt.
“They don’t,” giggles Lynn,
“Stop men getting in;
I use them so men can’t get out!”
Sharon Neeman:
My mother was terribly strict,
Locked me in when I dared contradict –
Till a crook down the block
Gave poor Mom such a shock,
When he proved that my “lock” could be picked.
Lisi Nortman:
In our neighborhood, there have been four
Sneaky break-ins, and ev’ryone’s sore.
But calm we remain,
Cuz our kids and Great Dane
Throw Legos all over the floor.
Fred Bortz:
He invested his savings in stock,
And now he is deeply in hock.
Our language is funny
When speaking of money.
Securities? What a huge crock!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A man who owned gold and would hide it
(always fearful that others had spied it),
Dug a hole six feet deep,
Where his treasure would keep.
In the end he was buried beside it.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: David Friedman, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Gennadiy Gurariy, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 14th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“I’m sure you’re much bigger than Clark,”
Murmured Lois. They stripped in the dark.
“Now, do me in doggy.”
On sex, he was foggy,
So Superman started to bark.
Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Birds chirp with great gusto. Bees hum.
Jack caresses Jill’s well-rounded bum.
These are signs of the season,
Both bawdy and pleasin’,
Since Jack, Jill, and spring have all come.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
“It’s Springtime! I’m gonna embark
On destroying each national park.
Instead of birds trilling,
You’ll hear only drilling.
Signed, X” (the illiterate’s mark)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Doug Harris, Bruce Niedt, John Bergstrom, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARK” RHYME DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
In my favorite botanical park
There’s a sign someone wrote on a lark:
“This tree’s no magnolia.
It’s dogwood, I tol’ ya.
I know by the sound of its bark.”
Marty Gerendasy:
Every night the young man would embark
To a nice cozy spot in the park.
In a place cool and shady
He’d meet a young lady
Who’d do her best work after dark.
Sharon Neeman:
They had started to “park” in the dark
When her Peke nipped his hand — left a mark!
“Damn that pooch!” he complained;
She shrugged, “Why? He’s well trained!
Did you notice? Not even a bark!”
Jean McEwen:
I’ve been ratted out bad by a narc.
Now they’re raiding the damn trailer park.
Toss the stash in the trash!
Stuff the cash in the cache!
ATTACK, useless mutt! Don’t just bark!
Konrad Schwoerke:
My paranoid neighbor named Mark
Once had dogs that would constantly bark.
Then the law came and caught ’em;
I cheered when they got ’em,
But now there’s a moat with a shark.
Doug Harris:
He played with black holes for a lark,
His matter essentially dark.
And still we’re uncorking
The theories of Hawking,
With infinite bytes to his bark …
Bruce Niedt:
A frustrated beaver named Clark
Gnawed at trees, leaving nary a mark.
Said his dentist, “It’s clear
What is going on here –
Your bite is much worse than your bark.”
John Bergstrom:
Some sailors debarked in the dark
And hurried downtown for a lark.
It’s not like you heard –
They just wanted a bird
To sing to them back on the barque.
Byron Miller:
Skipper sailed round the point in the dark;
We’d been blown by the gale, off the mark.
Though we tried a broad reach,
We washed up on the beach:
And the bight did its worst to the barque.
Tony Holmes:
“Yes, our dogs like to roam after dark,
And we give them the run of the park.
It’s unwise to intrude;
If you do, then you’re food.
And a dog busy bitin’ don’t bark.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPRING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Marty Gerendasy:
Frigid blasts from the north, they still blow,
And the sidewalks are buried in snow.
It’s supposed to be spring,
But that don’t mean a thing
When the wind chill is forty below!
Fred Bortz:
It’s springtime. The world is bucolic,
And lovers are eager to frolic.
That’s the goal of the chase,
But prepare, just in case,
With a bev’rage (of course, alcoholic.)
Jean McEwen:
From the slammer, I’m planning to spring.
But first, I need someone to bring
Me a shiv, drill, and wrench.
Then I’ll dig a deep trench.
And make sure that my cellmate don’t sing.
Dave Johnson:
It’s springtime – we’re Marching away
From snowy and blowy each day.
We’ll put up with showers
That grow April flowers;
And hope to warm up, come what May.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Is it April in Paris again?
I fondly remember just when
The trees were in bloom,
They smelled like perfume,
And I drowned that damn cheat in the Seine.
Tim James:
Do you know what I hate about Spring?
It’s this “paying the IRS” thing.
What’s OK to deduct?
(Oh my God, I’m so fuct.)
It all ends with my ass in a sling.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce Niedt, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Bergstrom, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (295)
Saturday, March 17th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to RANDY WAGNER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A laptop who loved to cavort
With connective devices for sport
Gushed, “I’ll always enable
A USB cable
Adapted to turn on my port.”
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special CLOCK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A mouse had been warned of the clock:
“It’s electric and likely to shock.”
This advice went unheeded,
So now what is needed
Is a hickory dickory doc.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mike Shulman, Kirk Miller, John Bergstrom, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Kathleen Bartoletti, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PORT” RHYME DIVISION)
Mike Shulman:
Claimed a windbag in Bankruptcy Court:
“I’m a stud in a ladies resort.”
But on spying his tool,
The judge ruled the fool
Had no visible means of support.
Kirk Miller:
At a nuclear plant, they abort
Operations while trying to thwart
Radiational leaks.
An inspector then speaks,
And he gives them a glowing report.
John Bergstrom:
De pirates were drinking de port.
They were down to their very last quart.
But de porter came by
And renewed their supply –
He re-ported ’em, ’fore they ran short.
Fred Bortz:
They frolicked at Trumpster’s resort
And elsewhere, the papers report.
A tryst in Chicago?
Perhaps Mar-a-Lago?
Then Stormy says, “See you in Court!”
Kirk Miller:
A yoga instructor named Mort
Gave students some extra support.
“Do you have time to meet
One-on-one?” asked young Pete.
“I’m flexible,” came the retort.
Tim James:
A sailor, a free-spending sort,
Hired a hooker for sexual sport.
He said, between sighs
As she straddled his thighs,
“Lean a bit more to starboard! Now port!”
Dave Johnson:
With climate change, time’s running short;
That ice melt will fail to abort.
Proceeding this way,
In Phoenix some day
They’ll have to establish a port.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOCK LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
Daylight Saving Time’s playing its tricks:
I’m in Israel; my cuz from the sticks
Of New Jersey just phoned;
“Five AM here!” I groaned.
“Oh no, really? I thought it was six!”
Jean McEwen:
Their functions are fairly routine:
Sound alarms, say when meetings convene.
The typical clock
Just goes tick and then tock,
But YOUR clock? Now, that one I’ll clean!
Kathleen Bartoletti:
She heard her bi’logical clock
Loud and clear, and with ev’ry tick tock,
She cried and thought maybe
Instead of a baby,
She’d be forced to adopt a Pet Rock.
Brian Allgar:
She sighed. She’d been sucking his cock
For a couple of hours by the clock,
But the guy was still limp.
“Fake news!” cried the wimp.
“I’m the Donald. I’m hard as a rock!”
Sharon Neeman:
My clocks used to tick on the wall,
And a grandfather chimed in the hall.
Now they hide, half unseen,
At the edge of my screen,
With no ticking or chiming at all.
Dave Johnson:
It looked like the win was a lock;
So coaches said “Run out the clock.”
But things happened fast,
Their lead wouldn’t last;
Which won them some papers that walk.
Tim James:
“Spring forward, fall back.” He had mocked
That old bromide, but now he was shocked.
He was one hour late
For his meeting at eight.
With the time change, he’d gone off half-clocked.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Bergstrom, Kathleen Bartoletti, Kirk Miller, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mike Shulman, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (294)
Saturday, March 3rd, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
When the doc said, “Ovarian cyst,”
She added his name to the list
Of clueless physicians
Who fail in their missions.
She’s trans, which he somehow had missed.
Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special HAIR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Before her Brazilian, Miss Claire
Grew a raggedy thicket down there.
Although follicly taxing,
Its waning by waxing
Left Claire’s hairy lair fairly bare.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Mike Shulman, Bob Dvorak, Kirk Miller, John Bergstrom, Ailsa McKillop, Mike Burch, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Judith H. Block, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST” RHYME DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
Hubby checked out his phone while he pissed,
And — pre-dick-tably — some of it missed.
Now the loo stinks like hell,
But he claims there’s no smell!
Oh, I wish he would cease and desist!
David Reddekopp:
I was nearing the end of my rope.
Would the government give me some hope?
Their reply left me pissed:
“If these problems persist
They’re built into the system, so cope.”
Mike Shulman:
A ribald gent liked to insist
He could come with a flick of the wrist.
He flicked when a cop
Made a brief traffic stop,
And was slapped with a “cease and desist.”
Sharon Neeman:
“My brother’s disgusting!” she hissed.
“Did you hear what he said? I’m so pissed:
‘If adding E-R
Takes a word twice as far,
Then a sister’s just worse than a cyst’!”
Bob Dvorak:
Some readers will find themselves pissed
When on viewpoints I loudly insist.
’Twould be better, I say,
To debate, than say “Nay!”
Present FACTS that one cannot resist.
Kirk Miller:
Charles Dickens could never resist
A martini; the yearn would persist.
So the bartender spoke
Seven words as a joke:
“Hey there Charlie, want Olive or Twist?”
John Bergstrom:
There was a young man who’d insist
He could shop without making a list.
“For the last seven weeks
I’ve bought nothing but leeks.
I don’t care if my girlfriend gets pissed!”
Ailsa McKillop:
The round table game did persist.
Ev’ry man held some cards in his fist.
With expressionless mien
I’d have savoured the scene,
If how poker was played I had wist.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (HAIR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Mike Burch:
The hair flap was truly a scare:
Trump’s bald as a billiard back there!
The whole nation laughed
At the state of his graft;
Now the man’s wigging out, so beware!
Jean McEwen:
I thought that I’d reached for shampoo,
But now the damn comb won’t go through.
Although properly tagged,
The wrong bottle I grabbed.
And that’s why my hair is now goo.
Tim James:
I try to take aging with grace,
Despite wrinkles and sags in my face.
Things have slowed down a lot.
But there’s one thing that’s not:
It’s my hairline, retreating apace.
Dave Johnson:
Rapunzel, please let down your hair;
A fellow from Guinness is there.
He’ll measure your tresses,
And my simple guess is
The record, with inches to spare.
Brian Allgar:
“So waddya think of my hair?”
Said the Donald. She gave him a stare.
“Well, the color – bright yellow –
Is odd for a fellow,
And most of it just isn’t there.”
Judith H. Block:
The guy was as huge as a bear,
So drunk, he slid off the bar chair;
He took a large swig,
Then he grabbed at her wig,
She truly escaped by a hair.
Byron Miller:
Though his trumped-up successes, he’ll flaunt,
Saying, “Let’s make the deal that YOU want.”
I just can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.
Dave Johnson:
While Elvis was known for his hair,
His fans were more likely to stare
At the gyrating show
Going on down below;
A pelvis with follicle flair.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Bergstrom, Judith H. Block, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mike Burch, Mike Shulman, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 3 Comments »
Saturday, November 25th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DIANE GROOTHUIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a whined-rhyme and a revenge limerick:
The neighbor’s dog whimpered and whined,
Till it drove me quite out of my mind.
To stop it I stoned it,
Then shredded and boned it.
“A doggy bag? You are so kind!”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special REVENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
He filmed their encounter for kicks;
Then secretly posted the pics.
Her father, a pro
With intelligence flow,
Pursued a conviction that sticks.
To those who would purposely shame
For revenge or just playing a game,
Remember this tale;
You could wind up in jail
As well as the Dick Hall of Fame.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Graham Lester, Kirk Miller, Steve Whitred, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO REVENGE LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar
“To take action or not?” Hamlet whined.
“Avenging my Dad would be kind;
There are arguments for,
But against, there are more….
I simply can’t make up my mind.”
Sharon Neeman’s 2-Verser:
He scratched and he howled and he whined
As she did a full strip, bump and grind.
When she shed the last bits
And revealed quim and tits,
He thought he’d go out of his mind…
On the phone, she revealed to her sister
That her husband had wronged her and dissed her.
“But I used that old spell
That you taught me so well —
Now he’s such a good doggie, my Mister!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME DIVISION)
Graham Lester:
A little while after I’ve dined,
I do something quite unrefined,
But don’t say I “puked” —
You’ll be sternly rebuked!
I’d prefer you to say I “un-wined.”
Kirk Miller:
When the judge arrived home, his wife, Kay,
Told their kids, “From your dad, stay away.
He just needs to unwind,
’Cause we’re likely to find
He is stressed from a long, trying day.”
Steve Whitred:
I’ve been whiskied, tequila’d and wined.
Inspiration’s been easy to find.
Poured out lims by the score,
Even some you’d adore,
But they all were just 3 or 4 lined.
Marty Gerendasy:
A young man was delighted to find
An exciting new way to unwind;
Had it all well in hand
Till one day it was banned.
Mom said “Stop it or else you’ll go blind!”
Randolph Wagner:
With his crotch rubbing Helen’s behind,
Paris relished their hot bump and grind.
But his Trojan attire
Sheathed virile desire.
“Bareback buggery’s better!” she whined.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (REVENGE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
As their Thanksgiving dinner drew nigh,
The turkey was starting to cry.
But revenge would be sweet
When they chewed on her meat –
She had bird flu! The diners would die.
David Reddekopp:
There’s no end to the trouble you’re in
If, Mad, you commit this great sin:
Take heed what I say
You WILL rue the day
If you don’t pick my limerick to win.
Dave Johnson:
A road-rager flashing his light
Flipped them off as he passed on the right.
Moments later they saw
He’d been stopped by the law;
“That’s him!” she said. “Thanks and good night.”
Tim James:
There once was a weirdo named Moore
Who cruised high schools and malls. But what for?
Teenage girls! If he knew them,
He wanted to screw them.
With luck, they’ll now even the score.
Brian Allgar:
He was grabbed by a fist hard as steel;
The Donald emitted a squeal
Like a pig at the slaughter.
“Hey, Dad!” said his daughter,
“This grabbing thing – how does it feel?”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Diane Groothuis, Graham Lester, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Sunday, October 29th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
My two titties were built like a tank.
I had dear Mother Nature to thank.
But I’m way past my prime
And can thank Father Time
For the ultimate crime – they both sank.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Vegetable-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Did you hear about Ruthie Ann Rickles?
She used cukes for her intimate tickles,
’Til poor Ruthie (all heedless
Of sticking to seedless)
Gave birth to a jarful of pickles.
Congratulations to SUE DULLEY, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
One veggie that I love to hate: (oh,
Apart from the cherry tomato) –
More bland than wax beans
And less tasty than greens,
Is the boring-as-hell mashed potato.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Marty Gerendasy, Daniel Ari, Randolph Wagner, Sue Dulley, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TANK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO VEGETABLE LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
“Your Honor,” said bank robber Reggie,
“My wife said we had to go veggie.
She threw out my steaks
And fed me kale shakes,
Which I guess made me feel kind of edgy.
Then she took all my cash and my plastic,
So I had to go do something drastic.
I **did** rob that bank —
Just so I could tank
Up on roast beef — and it was fantastic!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TANK” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Said the hooker to Trump: “I’ll be frank;
Though you claim that you’re built like a tank,
It’s a tank with a belly
That shakes like a jelly,
And a weapon whose charges are blank.”
Will T. Laughlin:
“I’ve the Second Amendment to thank
For keeping me safe,” hollered Hank.
“It’s my right to bear arms,
So who cares who it harms?”
Then he drove off to church… in his tank.
Marty Gerendasy:
After spending the night with a skank,
He awoke with the drunks in the tank.
Blinked his eyes, said “Oh dear,
What am I doing here?
Guess it must have been something I drank!”
Daniel Ari:
A robber fresh out of the tank
Walked into First National Bank.
“We’ve met,” said the greeter.
The con pulled his heater
And said, “I’m not drawing a blank.”
Sharon Neeman:
A conceited new sergeant named Hank
Took a selfie while driving his tank.
Pride precedeth a fall —
He steered into a wall…
Thirty days and demotion in rank.
Randolph Wagner:
A saucy pert lass, when alerted
To breezes blown nippingly, flirted.
Her bearing was frank
As she donned a sheer tank:
It was pointedly quite extroverted.
Sue Dulley:
I tried to put gas in my tank
But the screen showed no numbers, just blank.
Then my credit card stuck
’Til a tourist (such luck!)
Pulled it out – all it took was a Yank.
Steve Whitred:
Once again in the hoosegow or tank.
How I got here is somewhat a blank.
But I know that in part
I blame René Descartes;
I am and so therefor I drank.
Sue Dulley, for her “Atheist’s Lament”
I’ve plenty of gas in the tank
Of my car, and some cash in the bank;
Some fabric for stitchin’,
And food in the kitchen
But no idea whom I should thank.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (VEGETABLE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“I am sick of my vegetable diet,”
The bimbo complained. “I don’t buy it –
It’s protein I need!”
And her doctor agreed:
“Just blow me, and I can supply it.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Why can’t vegetables taste more like candy?
Why, that sure would be dandy and handy!
If I pull a few strings,
Let us see what that brings –
I’ll just cook the damn things in some brandy!
Dave Johnson:
Organic is better, they say;
For some, there is no other way.
Still, others resist,
It’s not on their list;
They really don’t care what you spray.
Steve Whitred, who says: “Don’t ask how I know.”
With cucumber coitus take care.
Fresh corn cobs and carrots forswear.
Those little zucchinis
Resembling weenies
Or peppers; don’t put ’em up there!
David Reddekopp:
There once was a man from Beirut
Who was paralyzed, deaf, and a mute.
He was also quite gay,
So the bigots would say
“He’s a vegetable, and he’s a fruit.”
Stephen Whitred:
This rumor is true folks, I swear it:
A brand new Vegas line, let me share it.
You can gamble on who
Has the higher IQ.
Is it Tillerson (Rex) or a carrot?
Tim James:
My new diet’s all veggies. I make
The best seaweed and pressed tofu cake.
It’s quite easy to do it:
You have to … oh, screw it!
Won’t someone please make me a steak?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daniel Ari, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Saturday, October 14th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A brewer’s wife, hastily wed,
Came to dread joyless hops into bed.
And so she went down
On each fellow in town.
And that’s how things came to a head.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special GLASSES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
On the naturist beach, he loves staring
At flesh that the ladies are baring.
He even makes passes
At girls who wear glasses,
Provided that’s all that they’re wearing.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ and STEVE WHITRED, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Fred Bortz:
Dear Madeleine Kane, you should dread
If my limerick’s not at the head.
Prepare for the worst
If my poem’s not first.
Your friendly extortionist, Fred.
Steve Whitred:
Don’t let Fred put a gun to your head.
You should pick one of MY lims instead;
They’re insightful and funny.
I’ll wire you money.
Ignore what that scientist said.
Fred Bortz:
Mad’s caught between two different tribes;
Arm-twisters and those who use bribes.
She can’t win for losing.
The answer is boozing.
And that’s why our leader imbibes.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Neal Starkman, Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Bruce Niedt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HEAD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GLASSES-Themed LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy:
“Hey, I can’t find my glasses!” he said.
“Could it be they fell under the bed?”
Then she gave him a look
And said “Don’t be a schnook.
“They’re still sitting on top of your head!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAD” RHYME DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
Since faces should never be smacked,
My friends and I made a nice pact
To give noogies instead
On the top of each head,
Even though it’s a knucklehead act.
Neal Starkman:
“Be nice now; I’ll give you some head.”
At least, that’s what I thought she had said.
I climbed into bed
But, dammit, instead,
She brought me a platter of bread.
Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:
Said Marie Antoinette at her wedding,
Let’s slip out dear and get to the bedding.
I’ll give you some head,
And I’d love to get spread,
Plus, my maidenhead needs a beheading.
Tim James:
A powerful media head
Uttered “Rosebud” before dropping dead.
So for hours on screen
They ask, “What did that mean?”
Here’s a spoiler alert: it’s a sled.
Steve Whitred:
The ex-lawyer, ex-oboist said
To her wooer, who’d just been misled:
“When I boasted, ‘You know,
I still blow like a pro,’
I was not at all proffering head.”
Will T. Laughlin:
The French executioner said,
As he mopped up a puddle of red:
“Madame Guillotine
May be wicked and mean,
But she really knows how to give head!”
Randolph Wagner:
An heiress flirtatiously said,
“All philanthropy starts in one’s bed.”
When she found a poor knave,
She indulgently gave
Him the shirt off her back and great head.
Jane Hoffman:
To lose weight, buy just one lettuce head
And with it eat one slice of bread.
That’s it for the day.
You’ll love what you weigh,
But you’ll never again feel well-fed!
Dave Johnson:
The madame quite proudly has said
“My ladies were properly bred.
Attentive and smart,
They’re well versed in the art
Of giving while getting ahead.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Do you suffer night terrors in bed?
And believe something’s wrong in your head?
Here’s a cure – sex and booze
And don’t stop! The good news?
You will probably snooze or drop dead.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GLASSES LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
I am fed up with Hollywood lasses
Who are “plain” ’til they take off their glasses;
Put that in your script,
And you ought to be shipped
To remedial screenwriting classes.
Brian Allgar:
Said the Donald, “I’m YUGE! It surpasses
The cock of your dreams! It outclasses – ”
The hooker said “Yes,
But to find it, I guess
That I’ll just have to put on my glasses.”
Sharon Neeman:
My near-sighted, shy friend Bill Shear
Solved both of his problems this year:
He got three different glasses
For meeting with lasses —
Martini, Old-Fashioned and beer.
Fred Bortz:
The rat was a pervert whose passes
Made friends think he needed new glasses.
He pursued the wrong genus–
Declared, “For my penis,
There’s nothing as sweet as mole asses.”
Tim James:
A fellow once said with a frown:
“Wearing specs makes me look like a clown;
Besides, you can tell
I see perfectly well…”
…Then walked into a door, and fell down.
Dave Johnson:
Fox News – where they sit on their asses
And blather voluminous gasses.
Each morning they’ll drool
Over Donald Trump’s rule
With a pile that would steam up your glasses.
Will T. Laughlin:
As nice as things tend to appear
Through rose-colored glasses, I fear
That it’s time to dispose
Of those glasses of rose,
And replace them with glasses of BEER.
Dave Johnson:
With Lasik, I wanted to boast
Great vision – much better than most.
It was that way indeed;
But now I’ve a need
For readers when writing this post.
Bruce Niedt:
Guys never make serious passes
(Goes the saying) at girls who wear glasses.
Said one spectacled cutie,
“They can’t see my beauty –
Their heads are all up in their asses!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce Niedt, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Neal Starkman, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, May 27th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, inspired by real events:
The balloons that he tied to his chair
Contained hydrogen (lighter than air.)
He soared up for a ride,
Lit a cig, and then died.
That’s a Darwin Award win, right there.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special SNOBBISHNESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“My parents are snooty.” she said
To her male-stripper boyfriend named Jed.
He answered this way:
“Let’s simply just say
I’m a mover and shaker instead.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Randolph Wagner, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, Patrice Stewart, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RIDE/DERIDE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SNOBBISHNESS LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
“Far be it for me to deride
Your grammar and spelling,” he sighed.
“Though no snob, I feel faint
When I hear you say “ain’t” –
It’s a thing that I cannot abide.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Soon after their overseas ride
As Melania stood near his side,
To her, he allotted
His hand, which she swatted;
That promptly bespotted his pride.
The old snob, one day, has to admit
As a husband, he’s fully unfit.
He deserves all the strife
Coming soon in his life;
That’s for treating his wife like pure shit!
Tim James:
A cowboy took way too much pride
In his bronc-busting talents. He tried
To impose by brute force
His mad skills on a horse
(Which he promptly commenced to de-ride).
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RIDE/DERIDE” RHYME DIVISION)
Randolph Wagner:
“Your ladies lack toned buns of steel,”
Quipped a patron who wasn’t genteel.
“I will never deride
Derrières that are wide,”
Answered Peter Paul Rubens with zeal.
Suzanne Heymann:
The prostitute, skirt short and tight
Got picked up by some guy, not too bright.
She had put sex aside
But said, “Thanks for the ride!”
Then away she would slide in the night.
Brian Allgar:
The Groom was sarcastic and snide;
Her wishes he’d just override.
He was brutal and shitty;
The Best Man felt pity,
And so I eloped with the Bride.
Sue Dulley:
When a person is hitching a ride
With his thumb sticking out to the side
I mouth “NOT going far”
(Speeding by in my car)
But I’m sure that he knows that I lied.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SNOBBISHNESS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
Some very rich people agree
They’re better – it’s so plain to see;
And should be admired
For how they’ve acquired
The golden commodes where they pee.
Patrice Stewart:
Many years had the Haughty One reigned,
During which all her friends had refrained
From revealing the truth
About Jennifer Ruth:
Her connections to blue blood were feigned.
Fred Bortz:
Born to wealth, having blood that runs blue,
You treat me like dirt on your shoe.
But no-sirree-Bob,
I’m the one who’s the snob,
For I know I’m far better than you.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Patrice Stewart, Randolph Wagner, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (278)
Saturday, July 9th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BARBARA MILLIKAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick. (It was inspired by her daughter’s very successful rugby team in Lane County, Eugene, Oregon, known as the “Reign.”)
Rough and rowdy “Reign” ruggers, the bane
Of all other gal ruggers from Lane;
When it poured like a flood
All were buried in mud,
But no rain ever reined in the “Reign.”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BIRD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The bird-watcher peered through his glasses,
Believing he’d seen in the grasses
The movement of plovers.
In fact, they were lovers;
He stared at two fine, naked asses.
The girl quickly covered her bits
With a towel, and yelled out “Hey, Fritz!
What d’you think you are doing?”
“Dear lady, I’m viewing
A magnificent pair of Great Tits.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, Kathleen Bartoletti, Will T. Laughlin, Barry Solomons, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RAIN/REIGN/REIN RHYME DIVISION)
Randolph Wagner:
The Habsburgs who ruled over Spain
Were an inbreeding unsightly strain.
Since their gene pool was rotten,
Good looks weren’t begotten:
In Spain on the plain fell the reign.
Dave Johnson:
The Donald is making it plain;
He thinks that he’s ready to reign.
So what if he fails?
From all the hat sales
His wallet is posting a gain.
Brian Allgar:
At tea-time, the Queen would complain:
“The tea-pot is empty again;
I know that I filled it,
But somehow I spilled it —
I can’t pour, but I know how to reign.
Marty Gerendasy:
Tell me, what good is trav’ling by plane,
When it won’t leave the ground in the rain?
Yet another delay!
Happens day after day!
From now on, I’ll be going by train.
Judith H. Block:
You have just washed the car? It will rain.
On a picnic? It’s pouring again.
But plants need the showers.
It’s true, we love flowers.
I guess it’s not smart to complain.
Tim James, for his limerick homage to “MacArthur Park.”
The cake got left out in the rain.
And the recipe? Never again
Will I have it, that’s true.
(What’s that mean? Not a clue.
Maybe drugs make the meaning more plain.)
Kathleen Bartoletti:
A limerick writer named Kane
Loved bathing outside in the rain;
When it started to fall
She ran out, baring all,
With her washcloth, imported from Spain.
I hope this rhyme doesn’t offend.
That’s not something I’d ever intend.
I just saw it so plain;
Kane’s a fine rhyme for “rain”
And too good to resist, in the end.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BIRDS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
My bird-watching uncle admits
His blog would get millions of hits,
Overwhelming his host
Any time he would post
New pictures of boobies and tits.
Barry Solomons:
An ostrich let out a big sigh
And pleaded with God asking why,
You would want me to stand
With my head in the sand
When I’d love to be able to fly.
Ken Gosse, who entitles his limerick “Copy Writer,” and who was inspired by a children’s poem.
A woman who swallowed a spider,
Ended up with a bird deep inside her.
She wrote, “How absurd,
To swallow a bird,”
But not first, so the rights were denied her.
Brian Allgar:
His Lordship had picked up a girl
And he paid her to give him a whirl.
But next day, the poor chap
Had contracted the clap —
The wormy bird catches the Earl.
Tim James:
A parrot, apparently spurred
By an urge to repeat all he heard,
Spent a night by the bed
Of a gal. She turned red
When “Oh God! Oh my God!” screamed the bird.
Will T. Laughlin:
We saw a strange bird in the street.
“That’s a Fake-Crested Trump,” muttered Pete.
“How on earth can you tell?”
I inquired. Pete said, “Well,
It just let out a horrible Tweet.”
Suzanne Heymann:
When a bird and a dog had a fight,
I could not tell who had the first bite.
But an eagle so regal
Made off with a beagle
Who’d eaten a seagull last night.
Kirk Miller, whose 3-verser is (he swears) based on personal experience:
The gardener wore a big scowl,
And emitted an ear-piercing howl.
He had reason to gripe:
Birds ate fruit that was ripe.
’Twas a crime he considered most fowl.
To tomatoes the birds had been treatin’
Themselves. He refused to be beaten.
Since the gardener’s wise,
A nice plan he’ll devise
To keep birds from his garden of eatin’.
There is little expense he incurred.
Get some net; make a tent; he’s insured
That tomatoes are safe.
While the mockingbirds chafe,
He just smiles and then flips them the bird.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Barbara Millikan, Barry Solomons:, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Judith H. Block, Kathleen Bartoletti, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (256)
Saturday, June 25th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
A detective entreated Bernice
’Tween the sheets of the Chief of Police,
“Keep this tryst undercover.
My boss, who’s your lover,
Can’t know that you’ve fingered my piece.”
She laughed, “We’re discreet. Hold your peace.
Since that cuckolded Chief of Police
Lacks the vim and the vigor
I feel when your trigger
Is pulled, let the firing increase.”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Money-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Mad’s ”Limerick-Off” is iconic,
But MONEY’s a theme that’s ironic.
Cash prize? In your dreams!
You’ll win nothing, it seems,
Not even a small gin and tonic.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Brian Allgar, Tiel Aisha Ansari, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Dave Johnson, Randolph Wagner, Kirk Miller, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEASE” RHYME DIVISION)
Marty Gerendasy:
A slimy young dude named Maurice
Met a widow he thought he could fleece.
But his try was for naught,
For he quickly got caught.
Now he hopes for an early release.
Brian Allgar:
His grammatical errors increase;
Wrong apostrophes litter each piece.
Then last night, around four,
Came a knock at his door:
“Open up! It’s the grammar police!”
Tiel Aisha Ansari:
When Jason returned with the Fleece
He put his whole crew on release
And all that he tendered
For services rendered–
At most, half an obol apiece.
Tim James:
“Lots of fish in the sea!” is a piece
Of old “wisdom” he cites without cease.
He beds ladies one night;
After that, he takes flight.
His philosophy: catch and release.
Brian Allgar:
There was never a moment of peace;
She could talk like a gaggle of geese;
She would scold and she’d nag
Till a large plastic bag
Brought him silence – a blessed release.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MONEY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
To understand money, be sure
You are not some rich entrepreneur,
For tell me, how shall you
Conceive its true value
Unless and until you’ve been poor?
Dave Johnson:
Though her wealthy old lover is gruff,
He buys her a lot of nice stuff.
But when ready for sex,
There is no time for checks;
Just a blindfold while he’s in the buff.
Randolph Wagner:
A sad, tawdry saga is Mitch’s
Beginning with staggering riches
To which he fell heir.
They were squandered with flair
Since his tool couldn’t stay in his britches.
Brian Allgar: (Donald Trump begs for contributions)
“Please send me some money – you must,
’Cause you know I’m the guy you can trust.
As Prez, I will show how
My bankruptcy knowhow
Can make the whole country go bust.”
Kirk Miller:
If money to me you’d disburse
For odes that were raunchy or worse,
’Twould allow me to say,
In my deviant way,
“I guess that my pay’d be per verse.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Have you ever walked down any street
And found cash in your path at your feet?
A thrill tends to flow
From your head to your toe
Whenever the two of you meet.
Dave Johnson:
Las Vegas, that desert oasis,
Was built on an interesting basis.
You lose all your dough,
Then booze while they show
Bare boobies in big, glitzy places.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, Tiel Aisha Ansari, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (255)
Saturday, June 11th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The Success Model Two will impress
As it draws out the pits with finesse.
It will not bruise the fruit,
And it’s quiet to boot,
’Cause nothing sucks seeds like Success!
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special ANGER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My wife and my best friend in bed!
In my anger, I shot them both dead,
Then I buried them deep
In my composting heap.
Now my garden is very well fed.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Marty Gerendasy, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Pedro Poitevin, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRESS” RHYME DIVISION)
Randolph Wagner:
His bright “Hallelujahs” impress,
But his musical flair and finesse
Truly can’t hold a candle
To how George can “Handel”
D major, his key to success.
Marty Gerendasy:
Now I really must clean and must press
My good suit ’cause it’s clearly a mess!
Gotta have it by noon,
Better be ready soon,
Or I’ll have to start wearing a dress!
Fred Bortz:
All aboard! It’s the Quantum Express
Where the route’s well-defined, more or less,
’Til you pass through the tunnel.
And then what you’ve done’ll
Be just a statistical guess.
Tim James:
A novitiate tried to express
Her regret, for she’d made quite a mess.
She had made it a habit
To kill off the rabbit.
She cried, but she’s gone, nuntheless.
Brian Allgar:
Those bastards who cynically mess
With your head, causing untold distress,
Spreading lies, propaganda,
False rumours and slander,
Are collectively known as “The Press.”
Pedro Poitevin:
I ask for a threesome and “Yes,”
My wife and her friend acquiesce.
Then I notice my mood—
God, I’ve shrunk like a prude!
Now I’m anxious, I guess, to impress.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ANGER LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James, for his Acrostic Limerick:
The rage in today’s GOP
Rots the party’s insides. We can see
Ugly insults fly thick.
Might a small, stubby dick
Prompt such crap? No, his brain is what’s wee.
Konrad Schwoerke:
I’m thinking divorce, I’m so mad:
To rekindle the romance we had,
I suggested a date night,
A hot, sexy late night—
So she’s out with some actor named Brad.
Fred Bortz:
If Trump makes you angry, just note
That the lies that spew out of his throat,
Though vicious and vile,
Are only a pile
Of bullshit. So get out and vote!
Dave Johnson:
He’s claiming his Trump U was shrewd,
But students cried fraud and they sued.
Court documents show
What the plaintiffs all know:
You don’t have to undress to get screwed.
Suzanne Heymann:
When he joined anger management classes
Along with the ill-tempered masses
He felt he was cursed,
Being fully immersed
In a room with the worst bunch of asses.
So what else could he bloody well do?
He tried Prozac, booze, pot and sex too.
Waves of madness were tidal,
A touch homicidal,
Perhaps suicidal – snafu!
As he went to apply for some pogey,
He met a strange man, some old fogey
Who wore a fedora
And had a bright aura.
It’s hard to ignore a great yogi.
The old wise man could see through his pain
And he sought to unshackle his chain.
Meditation he taught,
And it helped him a lot.
Peace and sanity came back again.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Pedro Poitevin, Randolph Wagner, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, May 28th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
My gal’s faithful and true and won’t stray
And she’s there at the end of the day
With a warm, loving kiss.
In addition to this,
She can sit, fetch, roll over and stay.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special SCIENCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The scientist wrote many theses
On cloning unusual species.
What challenged the most
Was the right-wing talk host;
For that one, you’d have to use feces.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Fred Bortz, Ian Graham, Brian Allgar, Daniel Ari, Marty Gerendasy, Tim James, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STAY” RHYME DIVISION)
Randy Wagner:
When that plucky Miss Muffet would stay
On the tuffet, the spider would say,
“If you choose to remain,
Let me clearly explain:
Spiders bite! Go ahead, make my day.”
Fred Bortz:
A “fabulous” drag queen would say,
“My very large organ must stay.
It earns me a ten
When I’m bedded by men
Who joyously find that I’m gay.”
Ian Graham:
Though straitlaced, she said, “Well, OK.
“We’ll play – once I’ve loosened my stay.”
Said he in a daze:
“I suppose you mean ‘stays’?”
She said, “No, just the one for today.”
Brian Allgar:
He invited the bimbo to stay
For the night. She replied “Well, okay;
But I need to be sure
You don’t think I’m a whore.”
“Don’t worry,” he said, “I won’t pay.”
Daniel Ari:
A couple who lived by the bay
Engaged in some furry role play.
Said the girl to her chum,
“You won’t hear me say ‘come,’
’Til you’ve learned to roll over and stay.”
Marty Gerendasy:
She begged of me, “Don’t go away,
’Cause I really would like you to stay.”
What followed was pleasure
That’s too great to measure,
And for once I did not have to pay.
Tim James:
She had wanted the farmhand to stay
In the barn for a roll in the hay.
Then she cringed in disgust:
He was covered in dust.
It’s a truism: grime doesn’t pay.
Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly
When the farmhand suggested she stay
In the barn for a roll in the hay,
She said, “Sit on my stool
And I’ll straddle your tool–
I can finish the milking that way.”
Suzanne Heymann:
The roof of his cabriolet
Got stuck on a cold rainy day.
She’d fret, get upset
As her hairdo got wet,
And he just couldn’t get her to stay.
A convertible’s only okay
If the sun in the sky’s on display.
But if snow, rain or ice
Comes, then take my advice;
Get her flowers and nice lingerie.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCIENCE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
“Evolution is fact!” said the right.
“Climate science? We’ve now seen the light!”
After that, Heidi Klum
Showed up, nude, in my room.
‘Twas one hell of a dream Friday night.
Brian Allgar:
Creationists place great reliance
On bibles, and little on science.
As they slurp countless beers,
They say “Six thousand years
Is the world’s age!” with drunken defiance.
Fred Bortz:
The physicists had a huge spat
In their quantum entanglement chat.
One delivered this lesson:
“If you are caught messin’,
You’ll end up like Schrödinger’s cat.”
Then Heisenberg entered the fray.
“I’m uncertain it’s true what you say.
You have no compunction
To use your wave function.
My matrices carry the day.”
Was one of them on the right track?
I admit I was taken aback
When Pauli was puzzled
And both men were muzzled.
He said, “We must query Dirac.”
“Let’s add Relativity here,”
The Englishman said to a cheer.
But his math raised a clatter.
“What is this? Antimatter?
Outlandish, and yet it is clear.”
The squabbling continues today.
Quantum weirdness is true. It must stay.
The results provide traction.
That famed “spooky action”
That Einstein decried won’t go ’way.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Daniel Ari, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Ian Graham, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Sunday, May 15th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said the dentist, “Your teeth need a brace,
But I fear it’s a difficult case.
Though the work is cosmetic,
It needs anaesthetic —
You’ll feel a small prick in your face.”
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special STUBBORNNESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I am fed up with people who choose
To be stubborn — who can’t change their views.
I’m telling you flat
I will NOT be like that.
I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE!!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Allen Wilcox, Judith H. Block, Brian Allgar, Carolyn Henly, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Jeanine Silverio, Tim James, David Reddekopp, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CASE” RHYME DIVISION)
Allen Wilcox:
Good limerick writing’s a race
To a sadly anonymous place.
Perhaps I should mention
To get more attention,
I’ve decided to use UPPER CASE.
Judith H. Block:
Dear Jury, this trial’s a disgrace.
My client was not at that place.
He was busy in bed,
As the Judge’s wife said.
So thus I do now rest my case!
Brian Allgar:
The coffin took up lots of space,
But he gave it a prominent place.
“Though my wife is no more,
She has fooled me before,
So I keep her around just in case.”
Carolyn Henly:
There once was a fishwife who’d race
’Round her shop guarding ev’ry glass case.
If you hear the old trout
Give a shout, best get out
Or she’ll chase you all over the plaice.
Will T. Laughlin’s SLOUCHING TOWARD CLEVELAND (written before everyone dropped out except Trump)
The candidates left in the race
Promise terrible things to their base.
But forget about tact:
They’re ignoring the fact
That they can’t just make laws by ukase.
Randolph Wagner:
Sherlock’s fetishes swayed every case
As he sleuthed and prepared to give chase.
“‘The game is afoot!’
Is extremely well put,”
Quipped this bootlicking wearer of lace.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (STUBBORNNESS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar’s Stubbornness of Sisyphus:
He was rolling a rock up a hill,
But the bloody thing wouldn’t keep still.
It would roll down again –
What a bore, what a pain! –
Rock and roll was a pastime worth nil.
Jeanine Jamero Silverio:
I’ve the typical Taurean pique
(Also known as a mean stubborn streak).
Once my way is revealed,
I’ll hold fast and not yield.
It’s just part of my bullish mystique.
Tim James:
He’s not stubborn, he’s “principled.” See?
Not obsessed, “laser-focused” is he.
It’s the same old refrain:
Life involves much less pain
When it’s viewed euphemistically.
David Reddekopp:
I’m as stubborn as stubborn can be.
Show me proof and aloofly, I flee.
No concessions to science,
No facts, just defiance–
That’s why I remain YEC*.
*Young Earth Creationist.
Dave Johnson:
He refuses to honor their wishes
And scale back the garbage he dishes.
The pathway’s now clear
For the ending they fear:
Their party will swim with the fishes.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Carolyn Henly, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Jeanine Silverio, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Randolph Wagner, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (252)
Saturday, April 30th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I knew that her passion was real
When she started to bark like a seal,
Moaning, squirming with bliss.
And the reason for this?
Gucci pumps at half price! Such a deal!
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special FRIENDSHIP-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
There once was a fellow named Hutton
(For punishment surely a glutton)
Who’d travel the land
Giving notes out by hand,
Since he wouldn’t “Unfriend” with a button.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
The bimbo could barely conceal
Her surprise when the pastor said “Kneel!
And now let us pray,”
For she thought he said “play,”
And she did so with lip-smacking zeal.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Andy Sewina, Brian Neil, Randolph Wagner, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CONCEAL/SEAL” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
To “seal with a kiss” has appeal
For expressing affection you feel.
As a phrase or an act,
There’s no doubting the fact
That it’s better than kissing a seal.
Brian Allgar:
The hooker tried hard to conceal
Her disdain at the sight of his “eel,”
So pathetically small;
When he said “Take it all,”
It was more of a snack than a meal.
Andy Sewina:
The conjurer tried to conceal
An ace up his sleeve but no deal,
For the audience saw
That the rookie was raw,
And the magical deal wasn’t real.
Brian Neil:
Intending a partial reveal,
The stripper applied too much zeal;
Whilst dancing she tripped.
Her knickers, they ripped.
Twas way more than she could conceal.
Randolph Wagner:
The thong Thelma wears can’t conceal
Her stupendously hot buns of steel.
Thelma warns, “Since they’re bare
You’re invited to stare
But I’ll pummel those copping a feel!”
Fred Bortz, for his 4-Verse Saga:
The draperies split to reveal
The lectern and Prez with his seal.
It’s Donald J. Trump,
That YUGE horse’s rump,
Declaring that he’s made a deal:
“Sarah Palin’s now Russia’s Big Wheel.
In a straight-up trade, Vlad said that he’ll
Be glad to be Veep
And he promised to keep
Snowden’s secrets. Yes this is all real.
“You see, Vlad and I had this urge
For the US and Russia to merge.
And there’s truth to the rumor:
We will soon have a Duma.
We’ve begun the Congressional purge.”
I awoke with a start and a scream.
Now I know that I never should stream
“Dr. Strangelove” in bed.
It plays tricks with my head.
What a terrible, horrible dream!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FRIENDSHIP LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
Two fishing guides – Brody and Gator;
School buddies from down in Decatur.
They both have a skill
To jack up the bill;
One troller and one master baiter.
Fred Bortz:
Though surprised when he learned that his pal
Would be living his life as a gal,
He extended his arms
To her new female charms
’Cause his wife had just said, “Call me Al!”
Brian Allgar:
Said my friend, “I’m away for the night;
Please check that my wife is all right.”
Well, what are friends for?
So I knocked on her door,
And she offered me more than a bite.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Andy Sewina, Brian Allgar, Bruce Neil, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Randolph Wagner, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 5 Comments »
Saturday, April 16th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The real estate agent had hissed:
“Another gin – tonic and twist.”
After three or four more,
They showed her the door;
And that’s when she started to list.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special CAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny two-verse limerick:
A friend simply can’t let a friend
Drive a Fiat 500. Pretend
It’s a car if you must,
But believe me: it’s just
A roller-skate/Tupperware blend.
When the time comes for parking it, though,
It has an advantage to show:
Wherever you are,
You can just pop the car
In its own glove compartment, and go.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Jeanine Silverio, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Brian Allgar, Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr, Kathy El-Assal, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Marty Gerendasy, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TWIST” RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
You haven’t read Oliver Twist?
Don’t bother. I’ll give you the gist.
He said, “I want more.”
They showed him the door,
And he then found it hard to subsist.
Jeanine Jamero Silverio:
Her panties are all in a twist,
Though I’d hoped that she wouldn’t be pissed.
Her man’s last martini
Went straight to his weenie…
I found it too HARD to resist!
Will T. Laughlin:
In his pants the geologist pissed
As he felt the cave buckle and twist.
When it fell on his head,
The geologist said,
“Well, I guess I’m in really deep schist.”
Randolph Wagner:
Pled Cecil, “Please cease and desist
Your insipid debasement of Liszt!
You play like it’s Brahms
Or Anglican psalms,
Then add a Wagnerian twist!”
Brian Allgar:
With my hands round her throat as we kissed,
First I squeezed, then I started to twist;
I went mad with my knife
On that doll, large as life –
And as she deflated, she hissed.
Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr:
I never can cease and desist
From giving old saws a new twist.
To tradition I say
(And it’s true every day),
A bird flipped is worth two in the fist.
Kathy El-Assal:
“Please, sir, I want more,” was the gist
That got him expelled, but not missed.
He encountered the Dodger,
Became Fagin’s lodger,
And then — what the dickens? — a twist!
Will T. Laughlin:
In six days, from primordial mist,
God created Creation. The twist?
On the Eighth Day, He woke
From His rest with a choke,
And discovered He didn’t exist.
Fred Bortz, for his 3-verser:
To win on Mad’s limerick list,
Pen a verse that she cannot resist.
For a lim that’s sublime,
Keep tight rhythm and rhyme,
And of course you must end with a twist.
I ended that verse with “a twist,”
So declare–no in fact, I insist–
I must get an award
From the Limerick Board.
If I don’t, it’s a slap on the wrist.
Is my using “a twist” a real twist?
(I hope you are getting the gist.)
I am ever so clever!
I must win! However
By now I think Mad must be pissed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CAR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
In their hippy days, most would agree
That their lifestyles were simple and free.
But now at the mall
In the very next stall,
They’re parking some huge SUV.
Robert Schechter:
In the days before cheap GPSing
A car trip was sometimes distressing.
Some people used maps,
But I think perhaps
Most people relied on blind guessing.
Tim James:
At the speedway they sold me a ride
In a race car. “It’s easy!” they lied.
My top speed was about
One-oh-six. I got out
Just as soon as my trousers had dried.
Marty Gerendasy, whose limerick is also a “twist” limerick:
Pushed the key in and gave it a twist,
Then the engine just sputtered and hissed.
The damned car wouldn’t start
So I had to ride BART,
And you’d better believe I was pissed!
Kirk Miller:
An electric car auto amass
Miles per gallon that surely surpass
A conventional car,
So electric cars are
Said to be ones that really kick gas.
Jeanine Jamero Silverio:
She’s thirty, but still has some spunk,
Though she looks like an old piece of junk.
Still, she runs like a dream.
(Did you hear a scream?
I locked up my wife in the trunk.)
Brian Allgar:
In the back-seat, we did more than pet,
And it seemed we were covered in sweat …
We’d forgotten the brake,
Ended up in the lake –
Wasn’t sex that had made her so wet.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jeanine Silverio, Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 2nd, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny two-verse limerick:
Brian Allgar:
My wife phoned to say: “I’m delayed;
We have guests, so I’ve hired a maid
To set out the table,
And start, if she’s able,
Preparing the beef marinade.”
Well, I have to confess that I strayed.
Though I’m fond of my wife, I’m afraid
That I’m tempted to roam;
By the time she got home,
Both the maid and the table were laid.
Congratulations to PATRICK MCKEON, who wins the Special GREED-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
As they led him to jail he decreed:
“It was all done for love and not greed.
It’s a passion I feel
Which compels me to steal,
Though that passion’s for cash I concede.”
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
It’s not “I have lain” but “I’ve laid,”
If you lured her to bed and then played,
But if in that same bed
You were sleeping instead
You have lain but not laid, I’m afraid.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Randolph Wagner, Patrick McKeon, Mary McGarvey, Jeanine Silverio, Brian Allgar, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LAID” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GREED LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy:
There was a young lady who made
Lots of money with guys getting laid.
But insatiable greed
Made her do one more deed,
Which is how she got caught in a raid.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LAID” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
Since I hate buying cars, I delayed
Going down to the lot. But I made
The deal of my life:
A new Ford for my wife.
I thought it a pretty good trade.
Dave Johnson:
Their accountant was handsomely paid;
But in time, he apparently strayed.
Many thousands, they say,
Went a prostitute’s way;
It looks like those funds were miss laid.
Fred Bortz:
The bishop knew how to get laid.
He’d have fun with a nun in the glade.
His number one Sister
Was really a Mister.
He glowed when the truth was displayed!
Robert Schechter:
They said I’d be handsomely paid
If I marched in the Virgin Parade.
I was game for a buck,
But damn my bad luck!
Before the check cleared, I got laid.
Will T. Laughlin:
Oh, when did my sex appeal fade?
I stare at my breakfast, dismayed:
Orange juice gets a squeeze;
Bacon strips (such a tease!),
And the eggs, unlike me, have been laid.
Allen Wilcox:
It was down on his couch that he laid
On a fine APRIL day, and he prayed
That he not wake too soon.
But he woke up in JUNE,
Which left him completely disMAYed!
Randolph Wagner:
His ex, at his funeral, laid
A rose on his corpse. Quite dismayed,
She sighed, “Only if
You had been half as stiff
While living, I’d surely have stayed.”
Patrick McKeon:
On his deathbed an old pilot prayed
For a post mortem heaven upgrade.
But he couldn’t go straight
To that great pearly gate,
Since his final approach was delayed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GREED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
The billionaire’s bluster and babble;
A cringe-worthy gift to the rabble.
Unhinged and absurd,
His bleating is heard
And reads like a bad game of Scrabble.
Will T. Laughlin:
A candidate, out on his tours,
Said this as he spoke to “the poors”:
“I have money, and stuff,
But it isn’t enough –
I won’t rest ’til I take away YOURS.”
Mary McGarvey:
San Francisco’s Directors of BART
All get fat while the trains fall apart;
These crooks full of hooey
Let BART go Ka-blooey
With grand theft as a great noble art.
Tim James:
Gordon Gekko, film crook, didn’t care;
He praised greed. So does Trump. Let’s compare!
The guy from the flick
Was much less of a dick;
In addition, he had better hair.
Jeanine Silverio:
Though he dressed in a monk’s humble habit,
Vows of poverty displeased the abbot.
The sheer weight of his tax
Broke the peasantry’s backs.
He lusted for gold and to grab it.
Brian Allgar:
He would gorge himself, heap after heap,
Every moment he wasn’t asleep.
This greedy young glutton
Ate huge bowls of mutton
Until he had wolfed the whole sheep.
Suzanne Heymann:
Those Black Fridays are days filled with greed
Where the shoppers create a stampede.
Boxing Day’s not enough?
Life may get tough and rough
As you buy all this stuff you don’t need.
Tempting bargains would help you forget
That there’s int’rest on top of the debt.
While you think you will ‘save’
You’ll find out you’re a slave
As you’re hit with a wave of regret.
So live under your means; give up greed.
Pay off all of your debts; then you’re freed.
A belly well-fed
And a roof o’er your head
And some love in your bed’s all you need.
Your big debt load at least will have ONE dent
Till it’s vanished, becoming redundant.
The stress will stop seething.
You’re once again breathing
And living a life that’s abundant!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jeanine Silverio, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Mary McGarvey, Patrick McKeon, Randolph Wagner, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (249)
