Posts Tagged ‘P Diane Schneider’

Limerick-Off Award (518)

Saturday, February 10th, 2024

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said Sir Lancelot “Life’s not so grand
When your date turns you down out-of-hand.”
Said Sir Kay, “Well I hear
That our Queen Guinevere
Always welcomes a quick one-knight stand.”

Congratulations to LISI NORTON, who wins the COACH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My team took a terrible beating,
So I called a “coach candidate” meeting.
I said, “Though you’re all trained,
I picked Joe,” then explained:
“He’s the one who knows most about cheating.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN.

Nubile Florence had searched high and low
For a promising guy (one with dough.)
She was cute and nineteen;
Tom was lush with the green.
He decided to go with the Flo.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Terry Marter, Paul Haebig, Sharon Neeman, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman, P Diane Schneider, J.OConnor, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Phil Woodford, Doug Harris, Brian Allgar, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: GRAND-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COACH-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

A musician whom no one could stand
Was coached NOT to act pompous or grand.
Now he acts like a geek
Who’s both boring and meek.
His new theme song is “Strike Up the Bland.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAND-RHYME DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The concert stage door was unmanned,
So I strolled in, completely as planned.
No need to pull strings
To access the wings,
My job was to tune up the grand.

Paul Haebig:

“This obsession you have with Steve Grand
Is getting a bit out of hand
And becoming a bore.
So, I’m saying, ‘No more!’
From now on in this house, he is banned!”

Sharon Neeman:

“Yuck! I hate this! It’s gross and it’s bland!
You’re not Mom! I won’t eat on demand!”
“No, I’m not — but I say
You must eat anyway,
‘Cause you’re not being mothered, but Gran’d.”

Mark Totterdell:

This latest great poem of mine
Was designed to be truly divine.
From the start it was planned
To be epic and grand,
But it stopped after just the fifth line.

Lisi Nortman, for her “My Chicago Senior Living Apartment Complex”

Poor Jenny can’t move her right hand.
Leon sits, but the poor man can’t stand.
John broke both his hips,
And sweet Winifred drips.
Gertrude falls ev’ry day. Ain’t life grand?

P Diane Schneider:

Abroad in a warm, far-off land,
I lounged on a beach and was fanned.
Alas, I awoke;
It was only a joke.
But tell me, would THAT not be grand?

Terry Marter:

His piano concerto was panned;
The critics said “boring” and “bland.”
Pursued for his views,
He made headline news
When they found him curled up in the grand.

Tim James:

With ambitions excessively grand,
Ronny D. sought to govern the land
By appealing to spite.
Why’d it all turn to shite?
He infringed on The Former Guy’s brand.

J.OConnor:

The father of my father’s dad
Was cruel and made everyone sad.
So I can’t understand
Why he’s called “great” and “grand”
When we know that old bastard was bad.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COACH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

From my seat I could see him approach.
He sat next to me, puffing a roach.
Cradled under one arm
Was a jug of Boone’s Farm.
That’s the last time I’ll travel by coach.

J.OConnor:

I’d rather fly coach than first class.
Don’t try to upgrade me. I’ll pass.
My seat is just fine.
So keep your free wine.
I won’t pay you to pamper my ass.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One “away” team won’t deign to encroach,
On the home team’s aggressive approach.
They don’t care if they lose;
On the bus they’ve stashed booze,
So they’re keeping all eyes on the coach.

Phil Woodford:

Whenever I sit in train coaches
A feeling of dread soon encroaches
There’s a rustling sound
And before long, I’ve found
That my seat is surrounded by roaches.

Doug Harris:

The enthusiasts offer reproaches
As the layman, in their world, encroaches.
There’s many a fuss
If you call it a bus,
And not one of their lovable coaches.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though no promising singer, I know,
I still give karaoke a go.
I sing all night with glee,
And when I lose my key,
I continue to search high and low.

Terry Marter says:

Some lush-sounding songsters from Yonkers
Formed a promising choir, but some honkers
Joined in on their tunes
With wails worse than loons,
Cuz they thought they could sing, but they’re bonkers!

Lisi Nortman:

Search no more for a shrink; mine is hip.
He will heal you in one single trip.
To cure your depression,
There’s only one session
With JUST these three words: “Get a grip!”

Brian Allgar:

It had seemed like a promising trip,
But his search for the names made him flip.
Telling Nancy from Nikki
Was horribly tricky —
Poor Donald had quite lost his grip.

Jean McEwen:

My once-promising search for the grail
Is all over. The end of the trail
Has been reached. I’m defeated.
My hope’s been depleted.
My coffin’s now seen its last nail.

Lisi Nortman:

I was tired of frequenting bars,
And stopped searching the day I met Lars.
We were wed in a zip.
He is known for his grip;
Lars is gross, but he opens my jars.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Socks, The Horse, on his way to the barn,
Met The Kitten in search of some yarn….
This olde Aesop’s fable,
I’d spin were I able,
But I’m not, and I don’t give a darn.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (517)

Saturday, January 13th, 2024

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off. Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The mole has its hole to patrol,
Where its sole and its ultimate goal
Is to terminate squirms
In the verminous worms
And to jollily swallow them whole.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the PERKS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My boss, her demeanor well ired,
Said “It’s your fault this project’s so mired.
It’s been stuck back in time;
You’ve done naught but this rhyme.
Your perk this year? Not being fired!”

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: CLUMSY, CONDEMNED, ODDS, SHAKE, WAVES.

I’m so klutzy and clumsy, folks fear me —
Objects often go flying, when near me.
Sure, I’ve friends who are brave,
Who’ll do more than just wave,
But there’s no one who’ll ever say, “Beer me.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Paul Haebig, Sjaan VandenBroeder, P Diane Schneider, J.OConnor, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Joan Perrin, Phil Woodford, Tim James, Bob Turvey, Terry Marter, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GOAL/GOALS-RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

This morning I made it my goal
To dig up some “dirt” on the mole.
Upon study, I found
That a mole leaves a mound.
It’s an empty pursuit, on the whole.

Paul Haebig:

To see all fifty states was my goal!
And so, to get ready to roll
I bought E-ZPass.
But I found out, alas,
That using it sure takes a toll!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I buy donuts, but always my goal’s
To keep track of good diet controls.
Once, I said to the gal,
“I need something low-cal,”
So she sold me a bag full of holes.

P Diane Schneider:

I’m cold and have run out of coal,
So getting me warm was the goal.
I ran off with bags,
But tripped on my rags.
They caught me with coal that I stole.

Lisi Nortman says:

It’s time I took care of my goal:
Getting rid of this unsightly mole.
When folks stare, I feel stress,
But I have to confess:
Mr. Maulwurf’s a huggable soul.

Joan Perrin:

The perfect, penned lim’rick’s my goal.
I strive for a gem. I get coal.
I yearn, but in vain,
To win in Mad Kane.
For then, I’d be one happy soul.

Phil Woodford:

Up in Lapland, quite near the North Pole
Lives a man with a singular goal:
He has to remember
To wake in December,
But for now he’s asleep, bless his soul.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Dumb mistakes and misspellings prevail,
When Trump uses his platform for mail.
Once, he asked fans to dole
Out big bucks toward his GOAL,
But unwittingly typed it as GAOL.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PERKS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

“Friends with benefits” isn’t a thing
You should say when describing a fling.
You’ll come off as a creep
And the gal will feel cheap.
“Pals with perks” doesn’t have the same sting.

Paul Haebig:

Work-from-home would drive some folks berserk.
But for me, it’s an excellent perk.
Still, I’m not one to gloat.
I like working remote,
But homing from home’s too much work!

Bob Turvey:

I know a young fellow who works
In a coffee shop run by some Turks.
He is a barista
Who cannot resist a
Free coffee. It’s one of his perks.

Terry Marter:

She was somewhat allergic to work,
But was given a car as a perk.
Jealous workmates would scoff,
“Howd’ya pull that one off?”
“I jerked off the boss for a Merc.”

Jean McEwen:

At our school, all the menfolk are jerks.
They all act as if one of the perks
Of their gender allows
Them to treat us like cows
And to meet our objections with smirks.


Tim James, for his “A Curmudgeon’s Confession.”

A perky young woman named Jo
Would spread laughter wherever she’d go.
She was bubbly and bright
And an utter delight.
That’s the reason I hated her so.

J.OConnor:

I take showers when I need to think.
Wakes me up. Makes me feel in the pink.
I can figure things out
When I’m under that spout.
Added perk: It gets rid of the stink!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

You’re taking a pee on the ground,
Behind a wee bush that you’ve found,
When a bus full of wavers
Pulls up, and then savors
The odds you thought “no one’s around.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Ev’ry time that my hair cutter raves,
About “product,” my confidence caves.
In a shaky voice, I
Reply, “Give it a try.”
If I don’t, then she’s sure to make waves.

Tim James:

A jerk has a girlfriend named Inger.
The odds are, with him she won’t linger.
He called her a cow!
Look, there she goes now:
She’s waving goodbye with one finger.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions. In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award. To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (470)

Saturday, May 29th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A driver of engines named Dodd
Liked sex any place that was odd –
’Til he lay on his back
After sex on the track
And a train squashed his coupling rod.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special PHONE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We belong to a rigid religion;
We tithe till we’ve only a smidgen.
We can’t pay for a phone,
Cuz we’re down to the bone.
So our carrier’s Charlie The Pigeon.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, P Diane Schneider, David Friedman, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRACK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PHONE-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I had faith my new smartphone would track
Where I’m going and how to get back,
But for two nights (so far)
I have slept in my car,
On a street quaintly named, “Cul-de-sac.”

Tim James:

D.C. rioters had no success;
Now they’re all in a hell of a mess.
It turned out their attack
Was quite easy to track;
All it took was their phones’ GPS.

Rudy Landesman:

I was phoning my bookie, irate,
Afraid I was calling too late.
I said, “Call me right back.
I am here at the track.
The horses are still at the gate.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Amtrak railway is getting some flack.
Clientele say the line’s out of whack.
They must soon engineer
Lots of change; that is clear.
Riders claim that they’re on the wrong track.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My thoroughbred, Gert, runs with force.
In the stands, I’ll be cheering, (of course.)
And today, at the track,
I shall dress all in black,
So I won’t look like Astor’s Pet Horse.

Tim James:

With my bingeing on Prime, I’ve lost track
Of reality. Woe and alack!
Streaming comes at a price.
How I wish for a vice
That’s a lot less addictive — like crack.

Mark Totterdell:

There was a young man from St Blazey,
And he did some odd stuff but it’s hazy.
(I would get this one back
On the right kind of track
But I’m feeling incredibly lazy.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Note to self: keep your meter on track;
Never let your rhymes get out of whack;
Let thy words make thee proud;
(There’s no “twin talk” allowed);
Hitting “SEND” means you can’t take it back.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PHONE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

These “smartphones” are not smart at all!
They’re almost unreadably small;
Of “apps” there’s a pile,
But no rotary dial –
How the hell do I just make a call?

Mark Totterdell:

When the very first phone call was staged,
AG Bell was completely enraged,
Most exceedingly vexed,
All confused and perplexed,
When he found that the line was engaged.

Bob Turvey:

To the wife I said over the phone,
“I’ve a riddle – it’s hard – can be blown.
When it slides in and out
You’ll jump and you’ll shout
And it’s in my hand now!” “Your trombone?”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though the Luddite was lacking in cred,
On the subject of cell phones he said,
“I’ll buy in a snap
The one with an app
That allows me to talk with the dead.”

Tim James:

They used to put phones in a booth
In the long-ago days of my youth.
You would drop in a dime
For a few minutes’ time.
I remember! (I’m long in the tooth.)

P Diane Schneider:

The call came when I was in bed.
“You’ve ordered an iPhone,” it said.
Of course I did not!
(Despicable bot!)
These calls really mess with my head.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my friend, as I’m driving us through
A strange town neither one of us knew,
I said, “Help me here, Lars.
Check my phone. Are there bars?”
He said, “No, but will liquor stores do?”

David Friedman:

There was a corona cell, Cyrile,
All covered with spikes in a spiral.
As he and his clones
Coated everyone’s phones,
“I’m hoping,” he said, “to go viral!”

Terry Marter:

Phoned my shrink ’bout my troubles and strife.
He advised me to start a new life:
“Seek out mountains and streams
With the girl of your dreams.”
I flew out the next day – with his wife!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (313)

Saturday, January 5th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

Men are taken with all types of tits –
And with buttocks. They’re perfect for mitts.
Why would anyone peer
At a face? It’s unclear,
But bosoms and buns? They’re huge hits.

Why are bosoms so cute to us chaps?
It’s the thrill of releasing the straps.
And the hooks, eyes, or lace,
Till we come breast to face
With the sight that turns men into saps.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Jewelry-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The love of my life was called Pearl,
A delightful, intelligent girl.
But she left me – I’d “dissed” her
By giving her sister,
The sexy young Ruby, a whirl.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Diane Groothuis, P Diane Schneider, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Peer or Pier or Appear” RHYME DIVISION)

Bob Dvorak:

Well, what to my eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and some deer.
I truly must stop
Downing tasty brown slop,
Ere I end up flat down on my rear.

Brian Allgar:

Said the hooker, “Your Lordship, I fear
There is nothing that I can do here.
Your ducal regalia
Is frankly a failiah –
I’m sorry, I must diss a peer.”

Tim James:

A yachtsman had drunk too much beer,
And it rendered his vision unclear.
He rammed into the dock,
Which collapsed from the shock.
As a seaman he’s quite without pier.

Sharon Neeman, for her limerick she calls “How Melania Trump Returned Safely from Africa:”

Said the cannibal chef with a sneer,
“Things are not always what they appear.
That one’s flesh has no taste;
Cooking her’s just a waste —
So don’t bring that Melania here!”

Diane Groothuis:

A woman consulted a seer
To see if her hubby was queer.
And the seer said “He’s gay.
Get yourself a new lay.
Don’t wait for his peer to appear.”

P Diane Schneider:

The jury box stifled a jeer,
And kitty cat shuddered in fear.
There’s word in the air
This trial is not fair;
No canine here looks like a peer.

Byron Miller:

My kitchen sink’s leaking. Oh dear!
And an overweight tradesman is here.
The one thing with a plumber
That’s always a bummer
Is having his butt crack appear.

Tony Holmes:

It is time I revealed what took place
On the day I was whisked into space.
They don’t probe, poke, or peer,
Or indeed, interfere;
But they push pretty hard for first base.

Lisi Nortman:

In the afterlife, I shall appear
As a ghost to some “pains in the rear.”
I know who I’ll haunt
And certainly taunt.
My list’s getting longer each year.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A big fellow who drank lots of beer
Took pride in his skill as a pee-er.
His incredible aim
Gained the man bar room fame,
Till he once hit a cop in the rear.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (JEWELRY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Jake gave Cindy a ring set with jade,
Not with diamonds–so Cindy, dismayed
Gave to Jake, in return,
An asparagus fern.
(Seemed a pretty fair balance of trade.)

Dave Johnson:

“I know what to say when they call me.”
Says a popular gal from Snoqualmie.
She told her friend Mike:
“We can smooch, if you like;
Bring bling if you’re looking to ball me.”

Brian Allgar:

The Professor would constantly whine:
“How I loathe all those students of mine!
It is hell everlasting
To spend my life casting
Fake pearls before genuine swine.”

Sharon Neeman:

Clooney offered fair Bridget a necklace
If she’d come to his bed and be reckless.
“Why, begorrah, it’s glass!”
Cried the sweet Irish lass;
“Get ye gone, now — ye’ll always be feckless!”

Tony Holmes:

Her best friends are all diamonds, it’s said;
She has one for each time she’s been wed.
By a very old trick,
Without shovel or pick,
She has mined all her carbon in bed.

Tim James:

She has rings on her fingers and toes;
There are studs in her ears, tongue and nose.
But her guy doesn’t mind.
And there’s more bling to find
If down’s the direction he goes.

Lisi Nortman:

To find the right man, I’ve been told,
He should not be too young or too old.
But regardless of age,
My dear mother the “sage,”
Said “Honey, just go for the gold.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!