It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off. Congratulations to MICHAEL R. BURCH, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, submitted by him “with abject apologies to Ogden Nash:”
A fly with the flu foully flew
Up my nose—thought I’d die—had to sue!
Was the small villain fined?
An abrupt judge declined
My case, since I’d “failed to achoo!”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special FOOT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I have very large feet, so I choose
To buy oversized, custom-made shoes.
When the creek topped its banks,
All my neighbors gave thanks
’Cause those kicks served as first-rate canoes.
Congratulations to J.OCONNOR, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM.
His hair was combed neat and was parted.
His speech on decorum had started.
He straightened his back,
Spoke of manners they lack,
Then glared at the crowd as he farted.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Gail White, Janice Canerdy, Tim James, George Larson, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Jean McEwen, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: FIND/FINED-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FOOT-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
Donald snarls at the judge with a glare:
“You’re corrupter than Biden, I swear!
Are you outa ya mind?
That amount I been fined
Leaves me knocked off my feet everywhere!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FIND/FINED-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FOOT-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Mark Totterdell:
My feet are not neat or refined;
They have toes of some animal kind,
And the skin on each sole
Has the odd crack or hole
Like a cheese with a moldy old rind.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FIND/FINED-RHYME DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
Your intended must be very kind
And LUSTFUL! Please keep that in mind.
When you locate this man,
Grab him fast as you can,
Cuz a good man who’s hard is a “find.”
Terry Marter:
Her new drummer was such a great find;
His rhythm in bed blew her mind!
To his hot paradiddle,
She’d lie there and fiddle,
Singing lim’ricks, all perfectly timed.
Brian Allgar:
The doctors attempted to find
Something vaguely resembling a mind
In Trump’s head, but instead,
Found a short note that read
“OUT TO LUNCH.” With an ‘X’ it was signed.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My old cat has control of his mind,
And if he’s in the bathroom, confined,
He’ll summon his chi,
To shred the TP,
Always doing his best to unwind.
Tim James:
McCarthy was startled to find
That his caucus was out of its mind.
Disgraced and displaced,
He got thoroughly Maced.
Maybe next time he’ll be stiffer-spined.
Gail White:
Says Meghan, “I’m ultra-refined,
So I do hope the staff will not mind
Throwing out the dead tulips
And mixing mint juleps,
while I lie on this sofa reclined.”
Janice Canerdy:
Susie’s skirts now conceal her behind
(Most of it), and she’s not so inclined
To get drunk and start fights
At the bars. She delights
In declaring, “Look, y’all. I’m refined!”
Tim James:
A man from Hawaii opined:
“By my job I’m severely confined.
My plantation, I’ve found,
Needs attention year round.
Growing coffee is really a grind!”
George Larson:
I had a few drinks to unwind
And leave all my troubles behind,
But Officer Stubbs
Saw me pee in the shrubs,
And now I’ve been locked up and fined.
Tony Holmes:
We, the voting for Trump undersigned,
Wish to say even if he’s confined,
We’re still stupid enough
To call ev’ryone’s bluff.
He can rule from his cell – we don’t mind.
Tim James:
A homely young fellow named Nate
Mansplains constantly, irking his mate:
“I was happy to find
That it’s true: love is blind.
Were it deaf as well, that would be great.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FOOT-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
As the fight got increasingly heated,
To ensure that the king was unseated,
He declared that “It rankles
When, clean at the ankles,
With the swipe of a sword I’m de-feeted.”
Tim James:
A podiatrist thought it a thrill
To take up with a mistress until
His wife took him to court,
Cleaned him out just for sport.
For his sins he’s now footing the bill.
Lisi Nortman:
My son’s messy; we had a quite a spat.
And here’s what I said, “Listen Pat!
“Before you walk in
From wherever you’ve been
Wipe your feet on the neighbor’s front mat.”
Bob Turvey:
A toff who broke down in our street
Said, “Look lively, I’ve someone to meet.
You must give me a tow.”
So I said, “Sorry Joe,
I’m afraid they’re attached to my feet.
Jean McEwen:
Dick insists that his prick’s one foot long—
But Charlisse, who has measured his shlong,
Says that when it is lax
It is three inches – max,
And its girth shrinks to naught near the prong.
Lisi Nortman, for her “Fifth Grade Math Test Musings.” *
“Here I sit in the midst of my woe;
With fractions, I’m sure not a pro.
What’s one fifth of a foot!
Now I’m REALLY kaput!
Oh well, I’ll just answer “a toe.”
Terry Marter:
The drummer looked so cool and neat,
With his double kick-drums and gold seat.
He would snare all the chics
With his twirling sticks tricks,
And his sex-cymbal measured two feet.
Brian Allgar:
“They say that I’m tiny of hand.
It’s a lie, but I’ll let that one stand.
They can jeer at my feet,
But for one they can’t beat,
They should just see the size of my gland!”
Bob Turvey:
There’s a tale told in old Montreal,
Which goes, as I’m sure you recall,
That ALL feet are male –
Because, without fail,
Every foot that exists has a ball.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM)
Lisi Nortman:
Hubby no longer has any hair.
He has thrown out his comb in despair.
Now I can’t read in bed
On account of his head,
Which keeps sending a bald, blinding glare.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A snide critic who loved panning plays,
As he combed through his thoughts for a phrase,
Said of one ingenue,
“She can swoon right on cue.”
Alas, damning the girl with faint praise.
Rudy Landesman:
Every night he was combing the street
With the hope that someday he would meet
The love of his life.
(But don’t tell his wife!)
That corrupt guy was truly in heat.
Tim James:
I’m a faint imitation, it seems,
Of her idols, the men of her dreams.
I fall glaringly short
Of the men of the sort
That appear in the movies she streams.
Lisi Nortman, for her Senior Citizen Home Police Report:
“She fainted and fell off her chair,
Then muttered, ‘This Bingo ain’t fair,
Cuz I DID have B2
And I know what is true:
At my seat someone planted a glare.’”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
