A limerick about going to sea, just in time for National Maritime Day:
A Seafarer Returns (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow returned from the sea
And was greeted by tears from mate Leigh.
“I missed you,” she moaned.
“I sure wish you had phoned,
Cuz your absence seemed fishy to me.”
UPDATE: June 25 is the Day of the Seafarer.
Today, May 12th, is Limerick Day, in honor of Edward Lear’s birthday. So it’s an especially good day for a Limerick-Off. And my own limerick seems particularly appropriate too.
As you all know by now, I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman who’d swim in the buff…*
or
A fellow was trying to buff…*
or
A savvy astronomy buff… (or zoology or economy or gastronomy buff, etc.) *
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Buff (2-Verse)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a limerick buff
Who of rhyming could not get enough.
She would rhyme night and day
In a metrical way,
Writing verse that her spouse labeled fluff.
It was clearly a matter of time
Till their marriage erupted in crime.
Things came to a head;
Now her husband is dead.
Cause of death — spouse aversion to rhyme.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Motherly Angst (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A mom at the end of her rope
Said “It’s hopeless! I simply can’t cope.
Both the food and the band
Appear to be canned.
The rest of my kids must elope!”
Happy Mother’s Day!
Tomorrow is World Laughter Day, celebrated each year on the first Sunday in May.
Limerick Ode To World Laughter Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
This Sunday’s World Laughter Day. Why?
Such occasion I simply can’t buy.
Who could possibly cheer
Laughing just once a year?
Laugh daily, else something’s awry.
Just when you think a problem is unsolvable, a creative company comes up with a solution. I’m referring, of course, to Smarter Socks which, we’re told, “makes sorting socks child’s play” through “interaction between the socks with a communication button, the Sock Sorter and an iPhone app.”
What would Seinfeld have to say about this?
There’s An App For WHAT??? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
If you find that your socks keep cavorting
And consorting with strangers, your sorting
Can be helped with an app:
Smarter Socks fill the gap
When your laundering skills need supporting.
UPDATE: Alternatively, you could ditch the app and celebrate No Socks Day 365 days a year.
In Honor Of World Animal Day, celebrated annually on October 4th, here are three endangered species limericks: Limerick Odes to the Tasmanian Forester Roo, the Hippopotamus, and the African Wild Ass. (I previously posted my Rhino limerick, which is included in the International Poetry Anthology For Rhino in a Shrinking World.)
Limerick Ode To The Tasmanian Forester Roo
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Tasmanian Forester Roo
Is endangered. So here’s what to do:
Sign petitions. Give cash.
Host a fund-raising bash,
Else its time on this earth will be through.
Limerick Ode To The Hippopotamus
By Madeleine Begun Kane
When I look at a hippo I wonder:
What’s the size of its herbivore plunder?
At three point five tons,
It clearly outguns
Any crops as it tears them asunder.
Limerick Ode To The African Wild Ass
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The African Wild Ass, alas,
Is at risk. It may soon come to pass
That the last one dies out.
It’s endangered, no doubt.
This horse-cousin may vanish en masse.
UPDATE: February 15 is Hippo Day and Endangered Species Day falls on the third Friday of May.
Tomorrow, September 22nd, is World Rhino Day. And I’m very pleased to announce that my Limerick Ode To The Rhinoceros is included in the International Poetry Anthology For Rhino in a Shrinking World. And that it was one of five of the anthology’s poems read at a World Rhino Day celebration in Grahamstown, South Africa.
Limerick Ode To The Rhinoceros
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The rhino appears prehistoric,
With a diet that’s vega-caloric.
It’s endangered, alas.
Laws to save it must pass.
This would make all its lovers euphoric.
UPDATE: May 1 is Save The Rhino Day.
May is usually a beautiful month here in New York City. But not this year!
Farewell To May (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It’s June 1st, which means farewell to May,
And good riddance — poor weather each day:
Way too hot, way too cold,
Way too rainy, all told.
Was May ever moderate? Nay!
Today may be National Escargot Day, but I’m still NOT eating them. I don’t care HOW much garlic and wine you slip in:
Limerick Ode To National Escargot Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There are foods I won’t touch on a bet.
They may well be quite tasty, and yet—
Creepy dishes like snails—
I would rather chew nails.
Escargot’s a no-go. Sorry. Nyet!
(You can find more of my food humor here.)
Are you all ready to celebrate National Wine Day?
Limerick Ode To National Wine Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It’s Wine Day on May twenty-five.
Don’t go guzzling your beer in some dive.
Sip a rich cabernet,
Pinot, aligoté,
But mull this: when you drink, do not drive.
(You can find more of my wine and food humor here.)
May 18th is International Museum Day, a holiday founded by ICOM (International Council of Museums) in 1977. So I figured this was as good a time as any for me to post my How To Visit An Art Museum
HOW TO VISIT AN ART MUSEUM
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There are many good reasons to visit an art museum. Impressing a date. Vying for a slot in the cultural elite. Some people actually go because they appreciate art. If you’re a novice art fan, this is how it’s done:
1. Your virgin museum visit should take place while you’re out of town. That way, your displays of ignorance will be witnessed only by strangers.
2. When you’re a safe distance from home, ask a concierge, cabby, or vagrant to suggest a show. It doesn’t matter whom you ask. At any given time, the entire population of any given city is racing to see some highly hyped, limited-engagement exhibit which is over tomorrow. This is the show everyone will recommend.
3. Arrive at the museum blissfully unaware that the show’s been sold out for months. Do so by car. In order to save time, drop your spouse off to buy tickets. Spend an hour touring the parking lot. Worry about what your mate will do to you when and if you ever see her again.
4. Coax your car into a quasi-legal spot. Sprint towards a distant building which presumably houses art. Remind yourself, once again, to join a gym.
5. Encounter an unruly mob of art aficionados awaiting admission. Hear rumors that the exhibit is sold out. Ascertain rumors are true. Curse out museum. Curse out vagrant. Wonder how you’ll ever locate diminutive spouse in horde of lanky art lovers. Wonder whether finding her is such a good idea.
6. Encounter a couple arguing about whether to leave. One mate insists this is no way to see art. (You’re inclined to agree.) The other gripes about the wasted admission cost. Save their marriage by purchasing tickets.
7. Wend your way through throngs in quest of spouse. Miraculously find her commiserating with sisterhood of women who lost mates to parking lot abyss. Proudly display tickets just as spouse proudly displays hers.
8. Talk about selling extra tickets. Argue that you should have checked with each other before buying tickets. Talk about selling all four tickets and abandoning art for a mall.
9. Notice that one pair of tickets is for one o’clock show and the other isn’t good until four. Decide that since it’s nearly one now, you’ll worry about unloading second set later.
10. Find out the museum is two hours behind schedule; you won’t make it beyond lobby before three. Ask yourselves, yet again, why exactly you came.
11. Wait on line. Learn it’s the wrong line. Fight way onto another line which will presumably get you into exhibit you no longer want to see.
12. Wait another half-hour in sweltering firetrap. Ask spouse to save your place on line while you contend with the coat-check. Dispose of jackets. Ask guard what kind of lunatic runs the museum.
13. Reclaim spot in front of spouse. Ignore belligerent patrons, badgering you to go to the end of the line.
14. Gain entry into crammed room that ostensibly holds priceless works of art. Strain neck in vain attempt to view paintings. Get a random glimpse of what may or may not be an Impressionistic work. Watch height-impaired spouse try to crawl her way to the front. Rescue her from enraged mob.
15. Overhear artsy noises about the exhibit. Comments like “Pointillism is a lot like connect the dots.” After an hour of this, gratefully spy an exit sign — the only mounted object in plain view.
16. Consider using the museum restrooms until you see the lines. Embark on parking lot trek, praying your car hasn’t been ticketed or towed.
When you return home, you’ll want to impress family and friends with your new found erudition. So don’t leave the museum without lots of literature. Then be sure to study the brochures and reviews intently … so you can describe every painting you failed to see.
Limerick Ode To Memorial Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Memorial Day falls on Monday—
It’s a time to recall lives undone day.
Sadly, some folks ignore
What this holiday’s for
And behave like it’s just a good fun day.
(You can find my holiday humor here.)
May 25th is a big day for wine lovers — National Wine Day. So I thought I’d celebrate with an acrostic limerick:
Acrostic Limerick To Celebrate National Wine Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Whatever your regular pick
In selecting a drink with a kick,
Never let any ice
Enter wine — it ain’t nice,
Said a wine snob, who poured it on thick.
I just found out that this week (May 1 through May 7) is National Pet Week. So I thought I’d celebrate with a canine limerick:
A Limerick About Nothing
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow who owned a pet dog
Took him out for a walk in the fog.
Soon the man and his hound
Were back home safe and sound,
Where he wrote up their walk on his blog.
UPDATE: Happy “Walking The Dog Day.” (February 22)
I had such a good time with my Clichéd Limerick the other day, I thought I’d write another:
A Fit Over Fiddles
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I hope you don’t think this a nit,
But cliché buffs should surely admit
That we need to part ways
With certain clichés:
Just how often do fiddles sound fit?
UPDATE: Happy Cliché Day, November 3rd!
UPDATE 2: World Fiddle Day falls on the Saturday closest to May 19.
Once again, it’s Limerick-Off time. I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A frazzled new father named Jim…
Here’s mine:
Frazzled Limerick (Frazzled Limerick Audio)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A frazzled new father named Jim
Bought his baby toy trains on a whim.
When his wife saw the gift,
She was terribly miffed,
So she yelled, “That’s for you. What’s for him?”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, right above my photo. Thanks!
Update: May 2 is Baby Day.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman who worked for her dad…
Here’s mine:
Family Business
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman who worked for her dad
Sure needed that job really bad.
Though she did have a skill,
Most employers don’t thrill
At a waitress who’s mastered her Strad.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Limerick-Offs.
Update: Happy National Waiters and Waitresses Day! (May 21)
Update 2: Happy National Violin Day! (December 13)
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
