Posts Tagged ‘Limerick Contest’
Saturday, July 22nd, 2023
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TESTS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TEST-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: DUCK, GIFTED, JITTERY, MERGE, STAR.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on August 20, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 19, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE-Rhyme Limerick:
A woman would always wear suede,
Head to toes, both in sun and in shade.
Her spouse fin’ly snapped
Cuz her nighties were napped:
“Our marriage’s fabric is frayed!”
And here’s my TEST-Themed Limerick:
I once took an aptitude test
To learn what I’d likely do best.
The results? Useless crap!
‘Twas all over the map:
“NEVER NAVIGATE!” That’s what it stressed.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
When a jittery mother was told
That her daughter was gifted, she polled
All the parents she knew:
“Could it really be true,
Or do ALL kids get stickers of gold?”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Aptitude Tests, Children Humor, Clothing Humor, Competition Limerick, Education Humor, Exams Humor, Fashion Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Navigation Humor, Poetry & Prompts, School Humor, Test Humor, Writing Prompts
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Children Humor, Clothing Humor, Contests, Education & School Humor, Fashion Humor, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Marriage Humor, Parenting Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 116 Comments »
Saturday, July 22nd, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
At a lake, standing right at the brink,
An elephant raised a big stink:
“That damn swimming bunny
Is not a bit funny!
I hate when there’s hare in my drink!”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TASTE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I’m becoming increasingly stout,
So my doc has a diet to tout.
“It’s so simple and neat
To decide what to eat:
If you find it tastes good, spit it out.”
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: ACE, AFRAID, FUNCTION, JADED, UPSET.
Doctor Jones said, “Too bad you’re a smoker,
Cuz your heart functions look mediocre.
ACE Inhibitors work.”
Then he said with a smirk,
“Though they might hurt your chances in poker.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman, Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Bob Turvey, Jean McEwen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Justin OConnor, Rudy Landesman, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: DRINK or DRINKS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TASTE-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar
My appetite seems to be jaded;
My taste for fine claret has faded.
I’m afraid I now drink
Mostly plonk, but I think
That the quantity has been upgraded.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRINK or DRINKS-RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
I invited her up for a drink
And to show her my etchings (wink wink.)
But she turned out to be
Not a she but a he —
And from such situations I shrink.
Lisi Nortman:
At “talking the talk,” boy, I stink!
Yet, when walking, my legs are in sync.
Hence, I never should talk
While I’m “walking the walk,”
Though I’ll walk while I’m drinking the drink.
Terry Marter:
Some people, soon after one drink,
Make you wonder how low they can sink.
They’re so stupid and dumb
And appear to become
Evolution’ry scale’s missing link.
Brian Allgar:
I was hovering over the brink:
Should I have yet another stiff drink?
I’d already had six,
And they might not all mix …
What decided me? Hearing “clink, clink.”
Sharon Neeman:
While agrarian life has its charm,
Some country folk cause great alarm:
Those farmhands who think
They can drive while they drink
And not make someone else buy the farm.
Bob Turvey:
In Iran I once ordered a drink,
And the barman said, “All bears are pink?”
I said, “Don’t get arsey
I’m speaking in Farsi.”
And the Persian said, “That’s what YOU think!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
At a bar, when a gentleman winks
At a lady he thinks is a minx,
And she won’t do his bidding,
It means he was kidding,
When he offered to pay for her drinks.
Tim James:
If “drank” is the past tense of “drink”
And “sank” is the past tense of “sink,”
Why did people turn red
When I recently said
“I wank” when describing a wink?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TASTE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“I’m sorry, I know it’s a waste,
But it’s got such a horrible taste.”
So she spat it all out,
Leaving me in no doubt
That she couldn’t stand anchovy paste.
Jean McEwen:
Connoisseurs of fine foods (like flambé)
And fine wines (like, say, Pouilly-Fuissé)
Are convinced it’s debased
And in very bad taste
To hang out at Old Country Buffet.
Lisi Nortman:
Mama’s “batter-chip” cookies demand
A guinea pig who can withstand
Something soft and real gooey
And also quite chewy
Which tastes just like Play-Doh with sand.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I keep track of the girth of my waist —
All indulgences tallied and traced.
But a lick or a sip?
I let those numbers slip,
Since there is no accounting for taste.
Justin OConnor:
He worked as a cook and he toiled
For a queen who liked eggs only boiled.
When she tasted one fried,
She burst out and cried.
So he knew that the royal was roiled.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: ACE, AFRAID, FUNCTION, JADED, UPSET)
Rudy Landesman:
I’m too jaded to still get upset
When I have “senior moments”. But yet,
Do you think I’m afraid
I won’t ace getting laid
By not functioning deftly? You bet!
Terry Marter:
Flashing classified doc’s at a function,
He bragged with no sign of compunction.
Though his MO is jaded,
His ego’s not faded,
As he shrugs off one more court injunction.
Tim James:
“I have full human function,” said she,
“A hot android,” I answered with glee:
“I’m so ready! Let’s boff!”
Then her noggin popped off.
I’m afraid getting head’s not for me.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’m afraid I’ve begun to malfunction,
Since no longer do I feel compunction,
When I skip “Meet The Press”
And replace PBS
With old reruns of “Petticoat Junction.”
David Friedman:
Madeleine got quite upset
At the limericks she had to vet.
“I’m jaded, dismayed,”
She said, “And afraid
That these are as good as they get.”
Rudy Landesman:
A pitcher, who once was an Ace,
Has now, as is often the case,
Lost many a game;
And I fear for his fame.
I’m afraid that he’s also lost face.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award. To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Jean McEwen, Justin OConnor, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, June 24th, 2023
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DRINK or DRINKS at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TASTE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TASTE-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: ACE, AFRAID, FUNCTION, JADED, UPSET.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on July 23, 2023 , right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 22, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my DRINK/DRINKS-Rhyme Limerick:
A nurse who appears on the brink
Of a breakdown stopped seeing her shrink.
“He’s been making me worse,”
She asserts with a curse.
“Plus he claims that I drove him to drink.”
And here’s my TASTE-Themed Limerick:
A gal with a poor sense of style
Hadn’t bought any clothes in a while.
So she purchased a dress,
A bright red, tasteless mess,
Way too ugly and gross to defile.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
I’m afraid that I’m being replaced
Based on nothing important; I’ve aced
All my functions and more,
Yet they’ve shown me the door.
Their grievance? They claim I eat paste.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Alcohol Humor, Competition Limerick, Drinking Limerick, Fashion Humor, Job Humor, Job Loss Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Mental Health Humor, Nurse Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Shrinks, Taste Humor, Workplace Humor, Writing Prompts
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Contests, Fashion Humor, Food & Drink Humor, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Mental Health Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest, Workplace & Career Humor | 131 Comments »
Saturday, June 24th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
At the power plant, newcomer Dwight
Was not very careful or bright;
He shorted the grid,
And, you know, when he did,
It both was and was not a delight.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TEACHER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My mentor at work taught me this:
Never tell the boss something’s amiss.
When he says something dumb,
Shut your mouth and stay mum;
And don’t ever forget what to kiss.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: JOINT, LOVELY, NAP, TAX, CONQUER.
Mused one caveman — a sensitive chap —
Before giving his woman a rap,
“I would take time to conquer
My instinct to bonk her,
But then I’d miss out on my nap.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Paul Haebig, J.OConnor, Terry Marter, Judy Freed, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: LIGHT/DELIGHT-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEACHER-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Tim James:
She pursued and eventually caught him.
It took a full day, but she taught him
All the ways to delight.
For the final that night,
His exam was complete, top to bottom.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHT/DELIGHT-RHYME DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
The dragon beseeched the brave knight:
“Would you help me, kind sir, in my plight?
The fire’s gone out
At the end of my snout.
Could you possibly give me a light?”
J.OConnor, for his “acrostic” limerick:
Look at me and you’ll see that I’m light.
I’m as light as a feather and might
Get airborne with ease,
Head off in the breeze,
Then get stuck in a tree like a kite!
Terry Marter:
If you tend to post lims when you’re pissed,*
Your subtle wit’s ‘gems’ will be missed.
Your talent, so bright,
Will fail to delight,
Cause no one but you, gets the gist.
*Inebriated
Judy Freed:
She thought she was losing her sight.
Her vision got blurry at night.
Her fears were erased
When her bulbs were replaced.
She could see! It was purely de-light.
Rudy Landesman:
He intended to kiss her that night
By the moon’s bright and silvery light;
But there was an eclipse.
He could not find her lips.
He too, it would seem, wasn’t bright.
Mark Totterdell:
In my youth, life was fun as could be,
But the years have made changes in me.
Now my greatest delight
Would be sleeping all night
With no need to get up for a pee.
Lisi Nortman, who adds that many drivers take the Lincoln Tunnel to get from New Jersey to NYC:
If you’re taking the “Lincoln” tonight,
At the end, you should make a quick right.
Though those hookers don’t know you,
They’re happy to show you:
At the end of the tunnel, there’s light.
Paul Haebig:
I wanted to serve something light,
So I made some fish tacos last night.
But it didn’t work out;
Those ungrateful trout
Swam off without even a bite!
Terry Marter:
Some regard bawdy lim’ricks as trite
And prefer Lim’rick Lite as their rite.
While some others, imbued
With a bent to be crude,
Tend to use words like ‘shite’ with delight.
Mark Totterdell:
A limerick mentioning light
Is a thing I am sure I could write.
I’ve got plenty of time
To come up with a rhyme.
Now just when is that deadline? Oh shite!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEACHER-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“Just explain how to do it,” she begs,
“And I’ll swallow it all to the dregs.”
“Grasp with fingers and thumbs,
Then suck hard till it comes …”
I had taught my old Gran to suck eggs.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’d like to give thanks to those teachers,
Who due to their no-nonsense features,
Helped build a foundation,
While real education,
Was going on under the bleachers.
Judy Freed:
All my life, how I’d hunger and yearn
For a love who would love in return.
Now I offer a course
In avoiding divorce.
’Cause we teach what we most need to learn.
J.OConnor:
Recommended by our local preacher,
She’s also a Sunday school teacher.
And she’ll accept checks
When you call her for sex.
But Sundays may be hard to reach her.
Bob Turvey:
Cried an old Orkney teacher named Stover,
“As a sadist I think I’m in clover.
Perhaps there are laws
On using the tawse,
But they don’t apply here so bend over.”
Lisi Nortman, who adds: “In 1969, I taught 5th grade for one year. One year was enough.”
If you want to teach 5th grade, beware!
You’ll repeatedly say this, I swear:
“Your hands don’t belong
In your pants; it’s just wrong.
And girls, please stop twirling your hair.”
Tony Holmes:
The instructor said, “Indicate right.”
I turned left. (You’ve discerned I’m not bright.)
For my second mistake,
I drove into the lake – –
They’re just keeping him in overnight.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: JOINT, LOVELY, NAP, TAX, CONQUER.)
Tim James:
A lovely girl carp known as Joy
Swiftly conquered the heart of each boy
In the fish pond. She’d flirt,
And then treat them like dirt.
It turned out she was just being koi.
Fred Bortz:
The lovely maid knew what he meant.
His eyes showed his evil intent.
He wouldn’t just conquer.
He’d ravish and bonk her
Until his desire was spent.
J.OConnor:
At night when the lights are down low
And his lovely wife’s watching a show,
He will say in her ear
“Are you napping my dear?”
Then she’ll always snore twice for a “NO.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When I doze with a wrap on my lap,
My young pup chews the thing into pap.
With his nose out of joint,
Soggy fluff makes his point:
“I have had quite enough of this nap!”
Dave Johnson:
When the bad news continues to tax,
We need to know how to relax.
Try napping or play;
Although some spend their day
Immersed in alternative facts.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I would write of the joints I have been to —
Taken women and children and men to —
But it’s best not to tax
My old brain for the facts
That I shouldn’t be putting my pen to.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award. To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, J.OConnor, Judy Freed, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, May 27th, 2023
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using LIGHT or DELIGHT at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TEACHERS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TEACHER-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: JOINT, LOVELY, NAP, TAX, CONQUER.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on June 25, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 24, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my LIGHT/DELIGHT-Rhyme Limerick:
I enjoy writing verse that is light,
Although many poo-poo it as trite.
And I happily slave
Over lim’ricks — my fav.
They’re well worth it, when written just right.
And here’s my TEACHER-Themed Limerick:
The schoolteacher, usually nice,
Could be scary at times – cold as ice.
And her tone, when provoked,
Went from mellow to stoked
With a furious “THAT WILL SUFFICE!”
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
“How I long to be able to nap
Just like those who can sleep in a snap.
As for me, there’s no point
In trying. Each joint
In my body shrieks ‘Don’t bother, chap!'”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Education Humor, Light Verse, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Sleep & Insomnia Humor, Sleep Limerick, Teachers, Teachers Humor, Teachers Limerick, Writing & Publishing Humor, Writing Prompts
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Contests, Education & School Humor, Light Verse Contest, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest, Sleep & Insomnia Humor, Writing & Publishing Humor | 135 Comments »
Saturday, May 27th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Young Billy, as daft as they come,
Kicked a huge grizzly bear on the bum.
It was done as a dare,
But alas, now the bear
Has a Billy-sized bulge in its tum.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the PREPARATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Hans had eaten so much he could burst;
All the schnitzel and beer came up first.
He felt somewhat perplexed,
Thinking, “What will come next?”
While preparing himself for the wurst.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: RATING, BRAVE, BROAD, APPLE, QUARRELSOME.
On her dating app, vying for men,
Joy enhances her profile, and then,
To better compete,
She considers her feet,
And rates herself (broadly) a “ten.”
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins a Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
It began as a light-hearted dare,
That I wouldn’t strip off and walk bare
Down the length of the street
And greet ladies I meet
With, “Good morning! You’re welcome to stare.”
I made sure I was looking my best,
As one does when not wearing one’s vest.
Hearing nothing decried,
As I strode in my pride,
I believe the voyeurs were impressed.
All good things, though, must come to an end,
Lest an overindulgence offend.
It was time to behave.
I had dared and proved brave,
And – who knows? – may have started a trend.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Judy Freed, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Richard Orr, Bob Turvey, Robert Schechter, Tony Holmes, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Jon Nixon, BillR, J.OConnor, Terry Marter, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BEAR or BARE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PREPARATION-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Jean McEwen:
Plan to hike in the woods? Then prepare!
Pack some bug spray and trail mix to share.
To survive, if you can,
Make a getaway plan–
For you’re sure to encounter a bear.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Ranger Rick tells us how to prepare,
If, while hiking, we meet with a bear:
Wield a stick; jump and holler;
Lift arms (you’ll seem taller).
And if none of that works, try a prayer.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BEAR or BARE-RHYME DIVISION)
Judy Freed:
My friends sent me out on a dare,
To a beach where the bathers were bare.
My attempt to join in
Left a burn on my skin.
Can’t blame them. I guess it was fair.
Lisi Nortman:
I told Mama “I need to prepare
For a speech at “The Naturist Fair.”
Her response: “Here’s a trick.
Which is easy and quick:
Just picture your audience bare.”
Richard Orr:
A man at a bar, I declare,
Brought his stuffed support animal there.
Friends cried, “Go pet a skunk
Whilst incredibly drunk!”
In response he just grinned, “Hold my bear.”
Bob Turvey:
Camel drivers who got to the Bosphorus,
All shouted out, “Get glue and moss for us!
All our camels are bare
For we’ve sold all their hair
And we hope moss will cover the loss for us.”
Robert Schechter:
The grizzly announced, “I won’t wear
Any clothing, and simply don’t care
If people are rude
When they see I am nude.
As a grizzly, I have to be bear.”
Tony Holmes:
If you camp in the woods, do beware
That you may well encounter a bear.
He’ll have food on his mind –
You’ll be fine if he’s dined,
But if not, you’re legitimate fare.
Tim James:
Ms. Godiva got naked? Big deal.
As I’ve aged, I’ve discovered I feel
That I don’t really care
If she rode around bare.
But her choc’late? That still has appeal.
Dave Johnson:
Away from the usual glare,
That beach is for nudists to share.
But lately some cold
Weather strengthened its hold;
For many, it’s too much to bare.
Jon Nixon:
A tatty and balding old bear,
Said that life hadn’t treated him fair.
He cried, “on my life,
I swear I’m a Steiff,
But my button fell off with my hair!”
BillR:
The National Parks’ Smokey Bear
Has been known to go off on a tear.
He’ll smoke up a storm
To keep himself warm
’Cuz he really has no clothes to wear.
HONORABLE MENTIONS PREPARATION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
I soon will be marrying Ken.
I’m counting the minutes till then.
My one sacred vow,
Which I’m pledging right now,
Is “Never plan weddings again!”
Tim James:
“‘Be Prepared’ is our longstanding motto,”
I heard from a Boy Scout named Otto.
“I’ve stocked up on booze,
Which is something I’ll use
If a Girl Scout should want to get blotto.”
J.OConnor says:
The meal was an absolute treat,
A great gastronomical feat.
Took so long to prepare
So it doesn’t seem fair
That it took only minutes to eat.
Terry Marter:
“Be prepared!” I was told as a Scout,
To solve problems when out and about.
But when trouble found Me,
It caused me to pee.
Now my leadership badge is in doubt.
Lisi Nortman:
For tornadoes, our family’s rehearsed.
We all must prepare for the worst.
We put steak in our socks.
This plan really rocks,
Cause the search dogs will find us folks first.
Terry Marter:
Unprepared, he decided last night
To go sailing alone at first light.
A swipe from the boom
Knocked him into the spume
Where he watched his yacht sail out of sight.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: RATING, BRAVE, BROAD, APPLE, QUARRELSOME.)
Tim James:
A quarrelsome woman named Tess
Rates my lims a misogynist mess.
She thinks gals in my verse
Are all airheads or worse.
She’s no fan of broad humor, I guess.
Lisi Nortman:
Don’t stand there and casually view it.
The river is broad; go swim through it.
The essence of “brave”
Is how you behave.
If it scares you, no matter what, Do It.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Hiring female employees, for Rex,
Is hard. All he thinks of is sex.
With each broad it’s the same,
So instead of his name,
He signs every rating with “x.”
Judy Freed:
I once had a quarrelsome friend.
All her points she would bravely defend.
Till she sat on a spoke,
Swearing it was a joke.
Seems she had the last word in the end.
J.OConnor:
I’m painting with rather broad strokes
When I speak about quarrelsome folks
And I say that their skin
Would not be as thin
If they only learned how to take jokes.
Rudy Landesman:
You say you might leave the Big Apple?
With its problems you don’t want to grapple?
I say, pull up your socks,
Have a bagel with lox.
And be brave. Have some borscht. No, not Snapple!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: BillR, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Jon Nixon, Judy Freed, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Richard Orr, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Light Verse Contest, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (509)
Saturday, April 29th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A baker tried hard to adjust
When his shop was about to go bust.
Just a smidgen of “herb”
Made his products superb.
Now he’s part of the town’s upper crust.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the COURT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
All week I interpret in court,
Which, believe me, is work and not sport —
But I’ll take my (slim) check
To the bakery. Heck!
Not just perps can enjoy a good tort(e)!
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: PLANT, HOBBIES, LEARN, LIKEABLE, WARN.
Rose and Fern yearned to learn how to dance,
Yet they sat by the wall in a trance.
Said their mother, upset,
“Well, that’s what we get,
For naming our kids after plants.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, Sue Dulley, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, Keone Morienga, Terry Marter, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, David Friedman, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: JUST or UNJUST or ADJUST-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COURT-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I hope Trump isn’t limo’d, but bussed
Off to prison –not handcuffed, but trussed.
And when he complains
The Court will take pains
To give him more time to adjust.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JUST or UNJUST or ADJUST-RHYME DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
She pulled and she tugged and she fussed
And made efforts her blouse to adjust,
But the gap in her top
Caught the eye of a cop,
So her cleavage led right to her bust.
Sue Dulley:
My taxes are filed, only just!
They’ve been mailed and I now have to trust
They’ll be judged as correct
And no one will suspect
That I minussed when I should have plussed.
Jean McEwen:
If there’s one thing that gals find unjust,
It’s when guys, in the grip of their lust,
Think they’ve God-given passes
To grab tits and asses.
In a just world, they’d all bite the dust.
Lisi Nortman:
“Henry darling, will you please adjust
The volume? It’s late and I must
Listen right through the wall
To hear Judy and Paul.
I need some vicarious lust.”
Tony Holmes:
Spare a thought for the chap on the wane,
Whose one thought is, “I’ll never again …”
He is forced to adjust,
As his parts start to rust,
And – increasingly – opts to abstain.
Mark Totterdell:
The wife of a man from St Just
Had a truly spectacular bust,
Which she’d swing at his head
As they frolicked in bed
Till it rendered him badly concussed.
Keone Morienga:
If the world can be said to be just,
Then these three simple things are a must:
No more suffering; nor
The raw conflict of war;
Most importantly… flash me your bust?
Terry Marter:
The hooker had such a huge bust,
That her bra straps were hard to adjust.
Boobs suddenly out;
Killed the client – one clout!
’Twas his first try at sex … and his lust!
Brian Allgar:
I may need some time to adjust;
My target was “Seven or bust” –
For one week, I would sin,
Giving each one a spin,
But I still haven’t got beyond Lust.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (COURT-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman, who asks, “Remember this commercial?”
Michael Jordan claimed he won’t resume
His hooping, which triggered much gloom.
Although great on the court
In this fast-moving sport,
I prefer him in Fruit Of The Loom.
Dave Johnson:
“Not guilty, your Honor” he said,
When each of the charges were read.
His case went to trial;
Now there’s reason to smile:
No BLUE suits – just orange instead.
Fred Bortz, who describes it as “a bit of twisted history.”
Long ago in the Royal French Court
Lived a ruler (I’m sad to report)
Who, though having great strength,
Was deficient in length,
So his Queen called him Pepin the Short.
David Friedman:
A judge lacking reason and grace,
Who hates your religion or race,
Who isn’t too smart,
Has no mercy or heart,
Is us’lly the one who you’ll face.
Tim James:
“At the courthouse I saw lots of guys,
Big and strong, and with tears in their eyes,
Saying, ‘Sir, it’s unfair….’”
Wow, I can’t recall where
I’ve heard whoppers of similar size.
Lisi Nortman:
We courted in 1903.
I loved her and knew she loved me.
In 1904
I wanted much more.
So she finally showed me her knee.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: PLANT, HOBBIES, LEARN, LIKEABLE, WARN.)
Brian Allgar:
The enforcer is sent to warn those
Who’ve displeased the Big Boss; when he goes
Around doing his job, he
Indulges his hobby –
Collecting their fingers and toes.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A pretentious young fellow named Bobby,
Claimed he looked up big words as a hobby.
“I don’t like learning words,”
He revealed, “it’s for nerds.
But I really do love sounding snobby.”
Tim James:
There’s a spy at the greenhouse named Grant.
He’s a likeable guy, but he can’t
Learn the diff’rence between
A sweet pea and a bean.
He’s a ringer. You might say a “plant.”
Sue Dulley:
I just learned, and it makes little sense,
Some fine words like Defence and Offence
That seem perfect to me
In my hobby, The Bee,
Need an S, not a C! (Makes me tense.😫)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I was two when I learned that a horse
Could be banged on and beaten with force.
But that was the last time
I tried out this pastime.
(It was only a hobby, of course).
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Competition Limerick, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest, Writing Prompts
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (508)
Saturday, April 1st, 2023
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using JUST or UNJUST or ADJUST at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to COURTS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best COURT-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
PLANT, HOBBIES, LEARN, LIKEABLE, WARN.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 30, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 29, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my JUST or UNJUST or ADJUST-Rhyme Limerick:
“Adulting” requires hard work;
The mundane kind we’re tempted to shirk.
But do it, we must!
So I try to adjust
And pretend I don’t feel like a clerk.
And here’s my COURT-Themed Limerick, a 2-Verser:
A big gun at a law firm brought suit.
He was gunning for those who pollute.
But his target, alas,
Had a limitless mass
Of moolah to fight the dispute.
That’s not all that his target possessed;
It had friends in the courts and was blessed
With political cronies,
Republican phonies
Who impeded his actions with zest.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
I should take up some hobby this week
To ensure my brain works at its peak.
Learning Greek is too hard!
Planting chard in my yard?
No, my marred mind needs more than a tweak.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Adulting, Brain Humor, Brain Limerick, Competition Limerick, Gardening Humor, Hobby Humor, Hobby Limerick, Law Humor, Lawyer Humor, Lawyer Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Litigation Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Workplace & Career Humor, Workplace Limerick, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest, Writing Prompts
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 125 Comments »
Saturday, April 1st, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
When I was a very young man
I loved tractors as much as folk can.
An air-moving machine
Then came onto the scene –
And now I’m an extractor fan.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Wheels-Themed Limerick Award for his funny Limerick Travel Guide:
The folks are free-wheeling in Wheeling;
In Steele there’s a fair bit of stealing.
There’s NO fun at all
To be found in Blue Ball,
But in Fucking there’s lots of good feeling.
(Tim adds: “These are all real places. Wheeling is in West Virginia, Steele is in Missouri, Blue Ball is in Pennsylvania, and Fucking is in Austria (though they changed the name a couple of years ago because their street signs kept getting stolen.”)
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP.
Said a rock star whose cool name was Sloopy,
“My bedroom’s so hot, I feel loopy.”
Called his new PA man:
“I can’t sleep; need a fan.”
He was promptly supplied with a groupie.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Keone Morienga, Terry Marter, Mark Totterdell, Gail White, Tony Holmes, Jeremy Andrew, Lisi Nortman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE–RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
I was falling asleep on the can,
When into my mind this thought ran:
Are Mad’s lim’ricks obscene?
“FUCK!” See what I mean?
That’s probably why I’m a fan.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE–RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
The actors are doing a scene
Where one of them gets in between
Two others in bed;
Then there’s laughter instead.
(How threesomes make PG-13.)
Tim James:
I once stiffed a psychic named Jeanne.
I feel guilty, so now I’ll come clean.
She had billed me a grand
But I told her, “Pound sand!” —
Which was something she should have foreseen.
Keone Morienga, for his “127 Hours.”
When a boulder dislodged and then landed,
Aron Ralston thus found himself stranded.
Not the stickiest scene
In which he’s ever been,
He got out of that jam single-handed!
(An avid climber and adventurer, Aron Ralston cut off his own arm in 2003 to escape from 127 hours stuck in Utah’s Bluejohn Canyon.)
Terry Marter:
The forensic department is keen
To solve murders with info they glean.
They’ve just found a box
With six locks, under rocks.
Its contents? – Remains to be seen.
Brian Allgar:
For a limerick, smutty’s okay,
But scatology’s best kept away.
No point if they’re clean,
So they should be obscene
But not turd, is what I always say.
Mark Totterdell:
So a couple have sex on the screen,
It’s explicit, in close-up, obscene.
Well I guess you should know
It’s a BBC show
And a couple of rabbits I mean.
Tim James:
A sailor I’ve frequently seen
Has a noteworthy posture and mien.
One leg’s long, one leg’s short;
So she lists some to port.
Apropos, since her name is Eileen.
Dave Johnson:
When someone exclaims “that’s obscene!”
I’ll try to discern what they mean.
Expressing dismay
At some naughty display?
Okay, let me look at your screen…
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WHEELS–THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Gail White:
Said Grok, “I’ve invented the wheel.”
Said his fellow stone-agers, “Big deal:
Can’t eat it or throw it
Or play it or blow it…
Though at least it’s not easy to steal.”
Tony Holmes:
“Mistress Fortune, when spinning her wheel,
Seems to favor the blackguards with spiel:
Not the kind and the meek,
Who deserve a good week,
But the blighters who lie, cheat and steal.”
Jeremy Andrew:
When I’m driving, the passengers feel
Quite nervous as four tires squeal.
But they really turn white,
When I close my eyes tight
And I shout, “Jesus, please take the wheel!”
Lisi Nortman:
That scooter is great at the mart.
Sit down, press the button, then start.
Walking used to be fun,
But now I am done,
Cuz I can’t even wheel the damn cart.
Dave Johnson:
He purchased a self-driving car
For traveling both near and far.
As part of his deal,
They pre-programmed the wheel
To steer him back home from the bar.
One night on the way, he was stopped.
The officer noticed he’d propped
His feet on the dash;
Then an offer of cash
Was made by the car – Charges dropped.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A male cheetah with amorous zeal,
Watched the females, then made his appeal.
One gal saw a gazelle,
And replied, “Very well.
But first you must spring for a meal.”
Sharon Neeman:
My nutritionist, Dr. Jane Smith,
Says: “The need for big meals is a myth.
Watch your portions, I say,
And sleep eight hours a day —
But I surely won’t tell you who with.”
Jean McEwen:
My Apple Watch tells me I sleep
Like a log, never hearing a peep.
But I think it is lying
’Cause lying there, trying
To sleep, I just keep counting sheep.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A somnambulist said to a shrink,
“I’m a sleepwalker. What do you think?”
Said the doc, “I’m a fan
Of walking, so can
We meet up Friday night for a drink?”
Dave Johnson:
An airliner dumping its can
Flew over the house where a man
Was watching a game.
Through his ceiling it came;
And that’s when the shit hit the fan.
(True story – A few years ago, a Seahawks fan was watching a game
when a frozen block of lavatory waste discharged by an airliner
came crashing through his ceiling. Luckily, no one was hurt.)
Tim James:
A businessman thought he’d get far
As he watched a hot gal in a bar.
His attempt was a loss;
She was wed to his boss.
Now he sleeps and takes meals in his car.
Tony Holmes:
“I was roused from a very deep sleep,
Much annoyed at an incessant bleep
Which, invading my dreams,
Had undone all my schemes
To watch football in bed with Ms. Streep.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When a King feared his food had been basted,
With a poison, he’d have it pre-tasted.
If the taster fell dead,
The King watched him and said,
“What a pity — another meal wasted.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Jeremy Andrew, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (507)
Saturday, March 4th, 2023
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WHEELS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WHEEL-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 2, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 1, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE-Rhyme Limerick:
A young fellow, no more than nineteen,
Would steal golf carts and often be seen
Careening around
On his campus. He’d found
A trump card: His dad was the Dean.
And here’s my WHEELS-Themed Limerick:
When I ask for the wheel, you refuse me.
“Backseat driver,” you say? Don’t accuse me!
I’m in front, so your claim
Is abusive and lame.
It’s so foolish, you almost amuse me.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
Ever been to a bus’ness lunch? Yuk!
You’ve one scheduled? You’re stuck? Well, good luck!
I’m no fan of such meals,
Where you’re s’pposed to make deals,
Watch your manners, and NEVER say “Fuck!”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Business Humor, Business Limerick, Competition Limerick, Dining Humor, Driving Humor, Driving Limerick, Food Humor, Food Limerick, Golf Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest, Poetry Prompt, Theft Humor, Theft Limerick, Wheels Humor, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest, Writing Prompts
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Business Humor, Car & Driving Humor, Contests, Crime & Punishment Humor, Food & Drink Humor, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 148 Comments »
Saturday, March 4th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One shy hermit with friends on the Net,
Prefers people that he’s never met.
He’s hoping to get a
Nice girlfriend on Meta —
One that comes with a virtual pet.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the CLASS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
He’s an art student — also, an ass.
When he draws a nude model, alas,
He enhances her tits
And her lower-down bits.
He’s advanced to the head of the crass.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.
I make all my own outfits from scratch,
From odd remnants of which I’ve a batch.
Says one friend who’s elite,
“Plaids and stripes are both sweet,
But perhaps you could do with a match.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, Charles Simmons, Tim James, Linda Thompson, Vaughn Fritts, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Jon Gearhart, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bindy Bitterman, and Lisi Nortman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (NET-RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
The hooker was starting to sweat
At the task that she found she’d been set.
Though she said she could toot
On her customer’s flute,
His was more like a bass clarinet.
Terry Marter:
“You’ve won,” said this gal on the net.
“A two-for-one trip to Tibet.”
I sent her the dough
And packed ready to go.
But I haven’t heard back from her yet.
Charles Simmons:
He hit his last ball in the net
And lost the last point in the set.
He started to scream,
Just to let off some steam,
Then noticed his pants getting wet.
Tim James, for his “The State of the Union.”
The question, once Biden got set:
How insane would Republicans get?
Though opinions were varied,
Each Dem should have carried
Some tranqs and a butterfly net.
Linda Thompson:
In winter I wore for a bet
A flimsy pink dress made of net.
My nipples? They froze!
And so did my nose.
They haven’t thawed out, as of yet.
Tim James:
“Be my wingman,” he begged me. “Get set,
’Cause this bar has the hottest girls yet.
Look around. You’ll agree:
Lots of fish in the sea.
Be a pal; help me haul in the net.”
Vaughn Fritts:
A fisherman tossed in the towel
And yelled at the fish with a scowl.
“By hook or by net
You’re too hard to get!
Let this be your funeral cowl!”
Tim James:
He didn’t intend to beget
A child with the barmaid, Yvette.
Still, he’ll “do the right thing”
For his butt’s in a sling
As he faces her dad’s bayonet.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLASS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
“I once took some courses at Bard’s
And went for the darn whole nine yards.
In one music class
I heard Philip Glass
Wrecking music and leaving just shards.”
Dave Johnson:
When students are let out of class,
The beach is one big, teeming mass.
Spring breakers descend;
When will this ever end?
One way to describe it: morass.
Tim James:
A classless Floridian gov
Is competing for right-wingers’ love.
The nonsense he spews
Insults anyone who’s
Got an IQ of 12 or above.
Jean E McEwen:
Though decidedly born middle class,
Dee feels strongly compelled to surpass
Her peers in their standing
But, what a crash landing!
She’s hit a thick ceiling of glass.
Tony Holmes:
“To be born lower-class doesn’t mean
That you have to stay humble, old bean.
You may rise through the ranks,
Make a pile and own banks,
And become nouveau riche – and obscene.”
Vaughn Fritts:
The waitress thought he was an ass
And thoroughly lacking in class.
He picked up the tab
For lobster and crab
But tipped her in belches and gas.
Mike Moulton:
“Being woke,” says DeSantis, “is wrong.”
Being diff’rent means you don’t belong.
By ignoring the past
The future is cast,
So the weak can be crushed by the strong.
Dave Johnson:
The x-rated call-up was crass;
Auditioning actors with sass.
One fellow was sought
For the member he brought
And rose to the head of the class.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.)
Jean McEwen:
In the annals of studs, he’s elite,
For his cock measures nearly two feet!
His dong is so long,
It’s the subject of song
And a treat for all women in heat.
Terry Marter:
Here’s a long story short: We’re a match.
It’s our second time ’round (that’s the catch.)
But we’re over the glitch
And we still got the itch,
So tonight we’ll be starting from scratch.
Jon Gearhart:
The police in my town aren’t discrete.
Their rep is well-known on the street.
In their need to loom large,
(Elite/Pushy/In charge)
They make certain they don’t miss a beat.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
One walrus bull, still in his youth,
Was pushy and often uncouth.
He approached a young cow,
Barking, “Let’s do it NOW —
Before we get long in the tooth!”
Terry Marter:
She was rich; an elite — quite a catch.
For a lowly policeman, no match…
Or so one might think.
But he gave her a wink;
Now they’re married with kids (quite a batch.)
Bindy Bitterman:
The police here are known to be tough.
Arresting you’s just not enough.
You fight back and you’re pushy?
You’ll land on your tushy,
’Cause none of ’em take any guff!
Lisi Nortman, for her “Very Mean Mother.”
“How in hell will you find a good catch,
When all of your outfits don’t match?
Listen up, ‘old maid’ Ruth:
You are long in the tooth.
Get movin’ before your eggs hatch!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bindy Bitterman, Brian Allgar, Charles Simmons, Competition Limerick, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Thompson, Lisi Nortman, Mike Moulton, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Vaughn Fritts, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, February 4th, 2023
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using NET at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CLASS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CLASS-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 5, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 4, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my NET-Rhyme Limerick:
Though you claim that you’re sorry, it’s clear
That you’re saying it just out of fear,
And you’re hoping to net
Some forgiveness. Bad bet!
You are poor at appearing sincere.
And here’s my CLASS-Themed Limerick:
If you’re totally lacking in class
And you always behave like an ass,
Then kindly don’t whine
And call someone a swine
Who’s responded in kind with some sass.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
A pushy young fellow named Pete
Had a longing to join the elite.
He was far from a saint,
And showed little restraint,
So Peter’s now under concrete.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Apology Limerick, Class Humor, Class Limerick, Competition Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Sincerity, Writing Prompts
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 141 Comments »
Saturday, February 4th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A stripper whose outlook was screwed,
With her crowds got increasingly rude.
So she took some time off.
(Not a thread did she doff.)
Then returned to work, fresh and re-nude.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the DESTRUCTION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
One cat, with just four little paws
And some teeth in her two tiny jaws,
Pushed three plates off the table,
Ate all she was able,
And puked on the rest. Why? Because.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL.
To keep this year’s diet on track,
I’ve developed a three-step attack;
Not a punishing stride,
but a nice, easy slide–
One step forward, another two back.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Tim James, Doug Harris, Don Lazarre, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, Jean McEwen, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RUDE, RUED or ROOD-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
A starving philosopher rued
That day when he busked in the nude.
Naked truth in the street
Didn’t help make ends meet,
But it DID give him more thought for food.
Lisi Nortman:
As a carpenter, I could tell tales
Of all of my sweat and travails.
Standing here, at the rood,
I’m beginning to brood,
Cause they’re using the wrong kind of nails.
Terry Marter:
When the Haiku police came, I rued
The day that I wrote one ’bout food:
The subject was Thyme,
But I’d slipped in a rhyme.
I must now eat my words or be sued.
Rudy Landesman:
From Russia, that much troubled nation,
There’s news that has caused a sensation.
When folks there allude
To Putin as rude,
They’re subject to defenestration.
Tim James:
While in England, and looking for food,
I sought help from a whimsical dude.
He said, “Eighty roods down,
Take a left into town.”
Thanks a lot. What the hell is a rood?
Doug Harris:
The media hypers are glued
To Prince Harry’s pulp fiction and feud.
It’s a sorry affair
That he feels like a Spare,
But to blame his old dad is just rude!
Don Lazarre:
To Santa, she wrote “I ask you:
‘When sleeping, you SEE us. That true?
If you do, that is rude
Cuz I sleep in the nude!
And ain’t THAT worth a present or two?’”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
There once was a lamplighter dude,
Whose career choice was one that he rued.
His one true desire?
To be the town crier;
So he stood in the street and boo-hooed.
Dave Johnson:
Some kind of morality nut
Described it as “vertical smut.”
Though seemingly lewd,
It’s not meant to be rude;
Cuz twerking is anything butt.
Mark Totterdell:
I hope that, with skill and with luck,
This rhyme won’t descend into muck
With a word that is crude
And offensive and rude
At the end of the fifth line. Oh f**k!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DESTRUCTION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
At the altar of Mammon he kneeled
And prayed for some bonds with high yield.
In this God he did trust,
But the market went bust;
And no longer is he so well-heeled.
Jean McEwen:
Matt Goetz has set out to destroy
Civil order; he’ll use any ploy
To help burn down the House.
He’s a certified louse,
With disdain for the mass hoi polloi.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I asked a Republican pundit:
“Our Democracy, sir, have you shunned it?”
“We’ve destroyed it,” he said,
“But it isn’t quite dead,
So we’re passing a bill to defund it.”
Tim James:
The crew of a starship took stock
Of the Earth. They regarded in shock
War, destruction, and hate.
Their report home will state:
“No intelligent life on this rock.”
Dave Johnson:
His brainchild was nervy and brash;
Investing in digital cash.
While some made a buck,
Many others were stuck;
Invited to join in the crash.
Rudy Landesman:
A concern in the bedroom was key
In destroying my marriage for me.
She left me one day.
So, what’s there to say?
My dildo was cursed with E.D.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION – STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL)
Lisi Nortman:
The masochist “I Love Pain” Flo
Begged “Punish me, dear darling, Joe.”
In a very swift stride
“Sadist Joe” went outside.
(Before closing the door, he said, “No!”)
Jean McEwen:
Denied bail, Stu was fit to be tied,
Refusing to take it in stride,
As the price to be paid
When one murders the maid
And then boils and ingests her raw hide.
Brian Allgar:
I decided to punish the fly.
“You’ve annoyed me too long, you must die!”
I attempted to swat it,
And thought I had got it –
Instead, it flew into my eye.
Lisi Nortman:
I hired your handyman Phil.
He walked in, but it wasn’t a thrill,
Cuz he opened his fly,
And I said, with a sigh,
“That does NOT take the place of a drill.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“I would send a nice letter — oh, fie!”
Charlotte scrawled, “But no paper have I.
It was handy last year,
But I’ve lost it, I fear.
So I’m writing to you on the fly.”
Tim James:
“I know art, lit, and science,” said I.
“I’m a suave, cultured Renaissance guy.”
Said my date, “Epic fail!
One last thing, then I’ll bail:
Leonardo, please zip up your fly.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Don Lazarre, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | 3 Comments »
Saturday, January 7th, 2023
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using RUDE, RUED or ROOD at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to DESTRUCTION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best DESTRUCTION-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 5, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 4, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my RUDE, RUED or ROOD-Rhyme Limerick:
I am stunned by the way you behave.
It appears you were raised in a cave.
You’ve a terrible tude
And you’re crude, lewd, and rude.
So there’s only one word for you: KNAVE!
And here’s my DESTRUCTION-Themed Limerick:
Here’s a factoid not everyone knows:
Perfectionist Brahms alas chose
To destroy some great stuff
He thought NOT up to snuff.
How I wish that he di’n’t decompose!
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
I tried to play “stride,” but I failed.
My small hands lacked the reach, so I bailed.
But I still remain sold
On stride pianists of old,
Whose fingers would fly, as they wailed.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brahms Humor, Brahms Limerick, Competition Limerick, Composer Humor, Composer Limerick, Composers, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Music, Music Humor & Verse, Music Limerick, Pianist Humor, Pianist Limerick, Piano Humor, Piano Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Rudeness Humor, Rudeness Limerick, Stride Pianist, Stride Piano, Writing Prompts
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Music Humor & Verse, Music Poems, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 173 Comments »
Saturday, January 7th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his funny two-verser:
A limerick writer was blue
’Cause the rhyme word was “blew,” and he knew
That his muse (nasty slut!)
Would produce only smut.
So he caved. What’s an artist to do?
The result:
A couple who drove through St. Lou
Got excited and tried something new.
They went into a roll
When he lost all control;
But it wasn’t a Goodyear that blew.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the RELIGION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“Commandments to get into heaven?”
Said Moses, “Let’s keep it to seven.”
But God said, “No way!
There are ten, and they’ll stay!
You’re lucky there aren’t eleven!”
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.
Eyes half-glazed, up I gazed at a soffit,
When some “crawly” (unnamed) fell right off it.
It dropped onto my iris,
An act undesirous,
From which none but my eye doc will profit.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Keone Morienga, Mark Totterdell, Gennadiy Gurariy, Gail White, Robert Schechter, Edmund Conti, Tim James, Fred Bortz, Steve Benko, Rudy Landesman, Ken Gosse, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BLUE or BLEW-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
Like a bat out of hell, my car flew,
Drifting hard ’round the bends; back-end slew.
Now I always must walk,
So I just talk the talk
Since the two-point-o-four that I blew!
Sharon Neeman:
Oh well, yes, I suppose it is true
That the sky and some flowers are blue,
But my mood’s bluer still
When I see (as I will)
That my tax refund hasn’t come through.
Lisi Nortman:
Dear Santa, I’ve been very kind,
Extremely polite and refined.
Gee, now I am blue
Cuz none of that’s true.
I’m tearing this up. Never Mind!
Terry Marter:
Inspiration has got a clogged vent;
My mojo’s behind with the rent;
My muse is so blue
She hasn’t a clue,
And I can’t coin a phrase, cos I’m spent.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
An untalented flute ingenue,
Good at humming, took up the kazoo.
Buzzed the flautists, “Atrocious!”
Purred Maestro, “Precocious.”
(The kazoo wasn’t all that she blew.)
Keone Morienga:
Are you overwhelmed, stressed out, and blue
’Cause you bit more off than you can chew?
H o O k E r S d R u G s M i N d L e S s s E x
f L e E F r O m H i T – A n D – R u N W r E c K s …
Just like that, you won’t feel so askew!
Mark Totterdell:
So I went as a Smurf to the do,
All dressed up with my skin tinted too,
But I must have, I think,
Used indelible ink,
And for weeks ever since I’ve been blue.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
The past tense of fly? Why it’s flew.
The past tense of blow? Surely blew.
So why did my teacher
(A hard-hearted creature)
Get mad when I said “the car slew?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RELIGION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Gail White:
Said Abraham, “Lord, could you fix
Just one problem before the Law sticks?
We’re devout to the core,
But are you really sure
We must all snip the ends off our dicks?”
Lisi Nortman:
There’s a new handy way to confess.
Go ahead; you’ll relieve all your stress.
You won’t have to wait.
And you’ll still make your date.
Get in line for the “Ten Sins Or Less.”
Sharon Neeman:
Dear Pastor, I know that you pray
For me hundreds of times every day.
Better save that entreaty:
I’m telling you, sweetie,
I plan to stay gay anyway.
Robert Schechter:
The Lord said to Abraham, “Go
And slaughter your son. Don’t be slow!”
Abe said, “Who am I
To refuse to comply?”
But his son said he should have said no.
Terry Marter:
Eve wandered through Eden, in song,
Looking hot in a fresh fig-leaf thong.
She soon was detected
By Homo Erected.
I ask: what, on Earth, could go wrong?
Edmund Conti:
Said Harry, “I’m decent and clean
And my prayers are all prayers that I mean.
I’m now eighty-seven.
I’ll soon be in Heaven.”
Said God, “That remains to be seen.”
Keone Morienga, who describes this as “Off-Label Use for Holy Anointing Oil”
When she paused to discuss a conjunction –
Sought to question an ampersand’s function –
I said, “Miss, please excuse,
But this rub down could use
Fewer ifs, ands, or buts and more unction.”
Tim James:
Do you know my friend Tom, the agnostic?
On the subject of faith he is caustic:
“Utter nonsense! What goof
Believes tales with no proof?”
That’s the story behind this acrostic.
Fred Bortz:
A dyslexic was left in the lurch
On the pulpit, where he had a perch.
He offered his prayers
To the great Dog upstairs
And soon was tossed out of the church.
Steve Benko says:
“Hey buddy, come join the crusade;
We’ll pillage and loot and get laid,”
Said the knight. And the Pope
Says “Don’t sit there and mope;
Get a move on! For conquest I’ve prayed!”
Rudy Landesman:
I went skiing last year up in Maine.
All week long it did nothing but rain.
If God is all good,
I don’t know how He could
Permit evil weather. Explain!
Gennadiy Gurariy:
I admit I can feel the flames lapping
When I start anapestic’ly rapping
With my lim’rickal horde,
Yet even the Lord
(When they’re funny) is secretly clapping.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.)
Ken Gosse:
Alas, silver has no perfect rhyme.
Rhyming profit with prophet’s a crime.
In Jove’s name, please don’t tease—
near-rhyme causes unease—
I get nauseous from rhyme that’s sub-prime.
Lisi Nortman:
We named our new baby girl Iris.
For this miracle, Sue was desirous.
In her fam-il-y way,
She was nauseous each day
A Miracle? Or just a virus?
Sharon Neeman:
That monster whose name rhymes with “frump”
Leaves me nauseous and needing a dump,
But his luck has begun
To run out — oh, what fun! —
And his profits will certainly slump.
Tim James:
Teased a comely young woman named Mae:
“Come and see me! I’ll cook, then we’ll play!
But my cooking may cause ya
A bad bout of nausea.”
We skipped straight to the nookie that day.
Jon Gearhart:
A Shakespearian line, some think keen,
I tease is much too widely seen.
“What’s in a NAME?”
That question is lame–
The answer’s MANE, AMEN and MEAN!
Tim James:
A woman named Jenny, he’s found,
Has a body and face that astound.
She’s a bit of a tease,
But she’s willing to please.
Silver baubles will bring her around.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Secret Santa is always the same,”
Groused The Grinch. “What a profitless game.”
He dug into his hat,
And sighed, “So much for that.”
Once again he had drawn his own name.
Tim James:
They say profits and wealth are a lie;
Silver loses its shine, by and by.
The possession of treasure
Will bring you no pleasure.
(I’m willing to give it a try.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A loner, named Ranger, prized tasks
That were mindless — like washing his masks.
If his doorbell should chime,
He’d tell Tonto, “Say I’m
Cleaning silver, if anyone asks.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Edmund Conti, Fred Bortz, Gail White, Gennadiy Gurariy, Jon Gearhart, Ken Gosse, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (504)
Saturday, December 10th, 2022
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BLUE or BLEW at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to RELIGION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best RELIGION-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 8, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 7, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my BLUE or BLEW-Rhyme Limerick:
A litigious old fellow was blue.
His friends (he had only a few)
Asked “Why the bad mood?”
The response from that dude
Was “I’ve run out of people to sue!”
And here’s my RELIGION-Themed Limerick:
A man of the cloth would not share
His frank with his date at the fair.
“That’s unfair,” she cried out.
“I gave you my kraut.
So canoodle tonight? Not a prayer!”
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
There is someone I could (but won’t) name
Who makes me feel nauseous. My aim
Isn’t testing or teasing;
He’s just so displeasing,
I’d rather not add to his fame.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Law Humor, Law Limerick, Lawyer Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Litigation Humor, Litigation Limerick, Litigation Poem, Mood Humor, Mood Limerick, Mood Swings, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
Posted in Battle of the Sexes, Behavior & Personality, Contests, Dating Humor, Friendship Humor, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest, Religion Verse | 187 Comments »
Saturday, December 10th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
An Irish expatriate male
Yearned for Limerick gals, so set sail
To those faraway shores,
Where he found British whores,
All beyond the proverbial Pale.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GOSSIP-Themed Limerick Award. In his trio of limericks, Tim imagines a world where children’s rhymes and songs are the subjects of gossip.
Mother Hubbard missed meals and she knew
That her doggy would go hungry too.
Now the word on the street
Is: in order to eat,
She’s been cooking herself canine stew.
That old farmer who lives in the dell
Torched his buildings in town, I hear tell.
Cow and cheese prices crashed
And his cash flow was slashed —
But the payout from Allstate was swell!
Have you heard the hot news about Jill?
Someone told me she went up the hill
With that ne’er-do-well Jack,
Then got down on her back.
I sure hope she’s been taking the Pill.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: CLASS, CATCH, FLASHY, STARE, GAIN.
When a lower-class lout (quite the potterer),
Wed a crone twice his age (thought a lot o’ her),
Said his Pappy, “What fun!
While I’m losing a son,
It appears I am gaining a dotterer!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, Edmund Conti, Bob Turvey, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SALE or SAIL-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Moby’s ladylove cried up a gale,
When she caught her man out chasing sail.
Upon hearing her blubber,
One classy landlubber,
Said, “Good God, that’s one hell of a wail!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SALE or SAIL-RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
A mariner’s spinning a tale:
“How not to prepare for a gale.
It’s known from the past
That removing the mast
Will render a boat not for sail.”
Jean McEwen:
Those large bags of Tostitos, on sale
For $4.99 rarely fail
To draw in the shoppers
Who also love Whoppers–
Preferring them, greatly, to kale.
Lisi Nortman:
At Target, I’d hoped to succeed
In purchasing items I’d need.
But this “Black Friday” sale
Was more like a trail
That led to the Klondike Stampede.
Tim James:
Once again, with the ladies I fail.
When I asked for a night out with Gail,
She said, “Hate to be rude;
You’re a hapless old dude.”
What’s this “hap” and who’s got some for sale?
Mark Totterdell:
In that tale, when the whaler sets sail
On the trail of the palest old whale,
You hope it’ll so be
A win for old Moby,
And pray that the sailors will fail.
Terry Marter:
Archeologists dug hill and dale,
Found an ancient note; fragile and pale.
Spending millions (they said)
We’ve revealed that it’s red
And says: “half off marked price in this sale.”
Lisi Nortman:
I went with my bosom friend, Gail
To “Plus-Size” to check out their sale.
I tried to be kind
When I saw a “great find”
And said, “This would fit YOU or a whale.
Rudy Landesman:
My girlfriend, I’m told, has set sail.
Therein, as you’ve guessed, lies a tale.
She went off to float
In some other guy’s boat.
And I’m glad; I’ve been wanting to bail.
Tony Holmes:
Legend tells of a seafaring snail
Which went cruising traversing a sail.
In the time that it took
To return from Cape Cook
It had learned how to reef in a gale.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GOSSIP-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Edmund Conti:
Did you hear what I heard about Mary
And her deeds that were rather contrary
To our town’s moral code?
(Yes, I’m gonna explode.)
Psst, psst, also Tom, Dick and Harry.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
As for gossip these days, I want none of it;
Though it seems that I’m mired in a ton of it.
How I miss the old days,
With their civilized ways,
When we picked on folks just for the fun of it.
Bob Turvey:
There’s a gossip-mad lady called Fay
Who is gullible too, I would say.
She once started a rumour
That she had a tumour –
And believed it when told the next day!
Terry Marter:
Those who gossip can be such a pain.
They’ve no class, and their views are inane.
E.G: Trump’s a good case;
Gossip spews from his face,
Yet he thinks he’ll be Prez once again.
Jean McEwen:
Prying quidnuncs persistently wish
To find dirt on their foes, so they fish!
They’re expert consumers
Of bruit, tales, and rumors
That yentas reliably dish.
Lisi Nortman, for her “Juicy Gossip:
Did you hear that Mad’s led us astray?
She pilfered our verses last May!
Put them ALL in a book
You can find at “Book Nook”
Titled, “Never Write Lim’ricks This Way!”
Dave Johnson:
Whenever we go for a ride
On horseback, Sue’s quick to confide
Some secret she heard;
Now she’s spreading the word.
Her gossip is taken in stride.
Fred Bortz:
In Yiddish, they call her a Yenta.
She’s the one who believes virtue sent her.
Others’ favor she wins
By recounting your sins,
And there’s naught you can do to prevent her.
Tim James, a 2-verser:
There’s a statue of Zeus in the square,
Where the townsfolk have gathered to stare.
He’s buck naked, you see,
And his package is wee.
(He’s a god, though; that doesn’t seem fair.)
The chatter’s intense. “By my soul,
What poor loser would pose with that pole?”
“This was sculpted from life
By the mayor’s ex-wife!”
Idol gossip is out of control.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: CLASS, CATCH, FLASHY, STARE, GAIN.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When my last Class Reunion was done,
Someone nudged me to say that I’d won
At both “Glassy-eyed Stare”
And “Eat Muesli in Chair.”
See, you’re never too old to have fun.
Jean McEwen:
So you wonder why boys gape and stare
At your ass? Well, it’s practically bare!
Listen: Girls who dress flashy
Get treatment that’s trashy.
Attend to the clothes that you wear!
Lisi Nortman for her “Senior Citizen Mahjong Club”
Hot flashes are something we share.
We’ve no eyebrows, but lots of chin hair.
We’ve abandoned romance,
Cause we might wet our pants.
Yet, we still have that come-hither stare.
Edmund Conti:
There once was a golfer so flashy,
A bystander stared and said “Trashy.”
When she heard that oaf mutter,
She threw down her putter
And gave him a whack with her mashie.
Fred Bortz:
The laddie would stare at the lass,
Admiring the curve of her ass.
The way she was built
Got a rise ’neath his kilt,
Showing all that this Scot had no class.
Tim James:
Herschel Walker, a flashy young man
(Years ago), has been part of a plan
For a GOP gain.
It’s become very plain
He’s now only a flash in the pan.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When I catch a rude stare from some lout,
Then I ponder, “What’s that all about?”
I prefer a good leer.
It may leave me in fear,
But at least it won’t leave me in doubt.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Competition Limerick, Dave Johnson, Edmund Conti, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Poetry & Prompts, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest, Writing Contests, Writing Prompts
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (503)
Sunday, November 13th, 2022
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SALE or SAIL at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. Here’s the last contest’s winners list.
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GOSSIP, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GOSSIP-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: CLASS, CATCH, FLASHY, STARE, GAIN.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 11, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 10, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SALE or SAIL-Rhyme Limerick:
Playing Wordle, for me, is a sport,
Though it doesn’t use balls or a court,
And it fails to entail
Racing skills, or a sail.
(I am more of a “sitting down” sort.)
And here’s my GOSSIP-Themed Limerick:
A gal who was known for her chutzpah
Owned a pricey and popular foot spa.
But she gossiped about
Ev’ry foot-fetish lout,
So alas it’s become a kaput spa.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
In class, I expelled a loud yawn.
(Its eight o’clock start felt like dawn.)
I stared at the clock
And got caught. Said Prof Locke,
“Bored? Then leave!” In a flash, I was gone.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Foot Humor, Games Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, School Humor, Spa Humor, Sports, Wordle, Wordle Humor, Wordle Limerick, Writing Prompts
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Contests, Games Humor, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest, Sports Humor | 132 Comments »
Sunday, November 13th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Once, a gentleman bought me a dress,
With a size label bigger than “s.”
In spite of its cost,
The garment got tossed,
While I muttered, “So much for largesse.”
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special SINGING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Poor Dorothy asks with a cry,
“If 𝑏𝑖𝑟𝑑𝑠 can fly, why then can’t I?”
How sweetly she sings!
But she doesn’t have wings,
And to answer her question, that’s why.
Congratulations to KEN GOSSE, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL. (Somehow KEN GOSSE managed to use all five of them.)
Ken Gosse:
Miss Muffet’s quick eye spied a spider
In a rush to the seat right beside her.
She soon left this vale
Not by snail, but speed rail,
With a bite from that tiny, pale rider.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Edmund Conti, Lydia Porter a/k/a Cabbie Monaco, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Bob Turvey, Elizabeth M. Baker, Sue Dulley, Gail White, Brian Allgar, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: DRESS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
I was sure that she gave me the eye,
So I took the next seat; squeezed her thigh.
Then she let me caress;
Slide my hand up her dress,
Where I quickly found out, she’s a guy!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRESS-RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
I’m really not bright, I confess,
And my brain’s an embarrassing mess.
My neurons are spent!
I thought “Gettysburg” meant
Not a speech, but a type of a “dress.”
Tim James says:
When she gave him the slightest caress,
He embraced her and pawed at her dress.
“What a creep!” you may say.
But it’s really OK:
He’s a pup. They excel at excess.
Edmund Conti:
Excuse me, I’m under some stress,
Having made my last lim’rick a mess.
You see, I must squint
When I read the fine print–
Please use “dress,” please use “dress,” please use “dress!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Many deeds in my past had tongues wagging,
And for years my atonement’s been lagging.
But I still can’t redress,
All my sins and confess,
Because God always knows when I’m bragging.
Lisi Nortman:
Although she enjoyed her success,
Working “retail” gives rise to much stress.
Selling women’s wear’s tough,
And what makes it so rough
All day long it’s re-dress and redress.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Once, a fierce fashionista named Zach,
Told his boss, “I am on the attack!”
But he made a big mess
When creating a dress
Out of gunny. So Zach got the sack.
Tim James:
I’m a dud with the ladies, I guess.
When I asked for a date, lovely Jess
Told me, “Meet me at eight
At my place. Don’t be late.”
Then she gave me a bogus address.
Robert Schechter:
You’re correct that my clothes are a mess.
Yours are better, I freely confess.
But I have you beat
If we’re asked to compete
For the title “Most Fun to Undress.”
Cabbie Monaco:
Applying for jobs, gurus stress
That at interviews you must impress.
Don’t make a mistake
Like my bearded mate, Jake.
He turned up in a scarlet silk dress.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SINGING DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
We ladies at “Sunset” are shrewd.
We don’t sing in the shower; it’s lewd.
Cause then we will dance,
Likely slip, and perchance
The Medics will notice we’re nude.
Mark Totterdell:
Any time I attempt karaoke,
Whether poppy or rocky or folky,
Though I think I’m a star
With the best voice by far,
I am really all tuneless and croaky.
Paul Haebig:
Our feelings, I know, differ vastly,
But I’ve always been fond of Rick Astley.
He is awfully cute!
We can watch him on “mute,”
Since you think that his singing is ghastly.
Terry Marter:
I am singing a beautiful song;
My voice sounds so good; can’t go wrong.
Then my friend’s voice breaks in:
“What the fuck is that din?
Quit the wailing, – and put down that bong.”
Sjaan Vandenbroeder:
My attempts to learn lyrics fell flat.
Karaoke, though, took care of that.
I mouth into the mike,
Any jabber I like,
And there’s always some guy who’ll yell, “Scat!”
Tim James:
When she sings, the collection of “notes”
She emits as she squirms and emotes
Is as soothing and sweet
As an ungulate’s bleat.
Oh my God, that’s an insult to goats.
Terry Marter:
On the shore; through the storm, I would sing.
As waves crashed, to love’s mem’ries I’d cling.
Held my pearls to the sky,
With a tear in my eye, –
Then they broke, and I swallowed some bling.
Tim James:
A chordophone-plucking jamoke
Crooned his ballads for Renaissance folk.
His gal gave him the boot
And made off with his lute —
Thereby leaving the guy flat baroque.
Rudy Landesman:
So now that I’m no longer young,
I’ve sharpened the bite of my tongue.
But don’t ask me why
I let sour notes fly.
It’s best we leave that song unsung.
Bob Turvey:
In China when springtime is young
And shoots from the ground have just sprung
To help them along
Folk sing them a song
And the singer is often called Sung.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL) .
Edmund Conti:
Whenever you rush for a seat
You’ll find some young girl has you beat.
But don’t make a fuss
You are not on a bus.
It’s Musical Chairs, so compete!
Sjaan VandenBroeder
Snidely Whiplash, a dastardly male,
Rushed to tie lovely Nell to the rail.
I am bound to feel pain,”
She said, hearing the train,
“But I’d rather do this than eat kale.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
At the show, first in line for the loo,
Aesop’s hare eyed a snail in the queue.
Why’d the rabbit retreat,
And rush back to his seat?
Some might say that he sensed déjà vu.
Elizabeth M. Baker says:
The post office “rushes” my mail,
But slowness will always prevail.
In mail-time we speak;
One day is a week,
And that’s ‘cause the mailman’s a snail!
Sue Dulley:
She left the north-west in a gale
And travelled to London by rail.
She needed to rush
(Ask her why and she’ll blush)
But the train was as slow as a snail.
Gail White:
A snail took a seat on a rail
And watched as the sunrise grew pale,
When a snail in the grass
Shouted, “Watch it, you ass!
Behind you a train’s coming! Bail!
Brian Allgar:
This eye-catching race never fails;
All the seats were jam-packed to the rails.
Bang! The starting-gun shot,
But a rush it was not –
The event was a race between snails.
Terry Marter:
On a bright winter’s day, a cute snail
Warmed himself on a sunlit steel rail.
Then along came the rain,
And a rather large train.
Sunbathe Fail. End of snail. End of tale.
Lisi Nortman:
“Take a seat”, said the eye doctor, Scott.
Heard he’s thorough, I liked him a lot.
I asked, “Can I see
Your notes about me?”
He smiled and said, “Probably not.”
Jean McEwen:
A letter, these days, sent by mail
Seems to move at the pace of a snail.
Ask the postman to rush?
He will just retort: “Hush!”–
And annoyingly, then, drag his tail.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Cabbie Monaco, Edmund Conti, Elizabeth M. Baker, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (502)
Saturday, October 15th, 2022
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DRESS or adDRESS or reDRESS at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SINGING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SINGING-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on November 13, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 12, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my DRESS-Rhyme Limerick:
My sister just bawled out my niece:
“You’re unkempt and too sloppy, Elise.
You look like a mess!
Did you sleep in that dress?
I’m fed up! You must learn to de-crease.”
And here’s my SINGING-Themed Limerick:
A fellow who sang in a chorus
Tried out for the lead role in Boris.
“You are NOT good enough!”
Was the speedy rebuff.
“You sound like a sick stegosaurus.”
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
A fellow who moved like a snail
Couldn’t help it; the old man was frail.
He’d been eyeing a seat
On the train, but was beat
By a boor also trav’ling by rail.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Audition Humor, Audition Limerick, Competition Limerick, Dress Humor, Dress Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Mother Humor, Mother Limerick, Opera Humor, Opera Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Rail Humor, Rush Humor, Singing Humor, Singing Limerick, Train Humor, Train Limerick, Voice Humor, Voice Limerick, Writing Prompts
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 179 Comments »
