Posts Tagged ‘Kathy El-Assal’
Saturday, April 16th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The real estate agent had hissed:
“Another gin – tonic and twist.”
After three or four more,
They showed her the door;
And that’s when she started to list.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special CAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny two-verse limerick:
A friend simply can’t let a friend
Drive a Fiat 500. Pretend
It’s a car if you must,
But believe me: it’s just
A roller-skate/Tupperware blend.
When the time comes for parking it, though,
It has an advantage to show:
Wherever you are,
You can just pop the car
In its own glove compartment, and go.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Jeanine Silverio, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Brian Allgar, Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr, Kathy El-Assal, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Marty Gerendasy, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TWIST” RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
You haven’t read Oliver Twist?
Don’t bother. I’ll give you the gist.
He said, “I want more.”
They showed him the door,
And he then found it hard to subsist.
Jeanine Jamero Silverio:
Her panties are all in a twist,
Though I’d hoped that she wouldn’t be pissed.
Her man’s last martini
Went straight to his weenie…
I found it too HARD to resist!
Will T. Laughlin:
In his pants the geologist pissed
As he felt the cave buckle and twist.
When it fell on his head,
The geologist said,
“Well, I guess I’m in really deep schist.”
Randolph Wagner:
Pled Cecil, “Please cease and desist
Your insipid debasement of Liszt!
You play like it’s Brahms
Or Anglican psalms,
Then add a Wagnerian twist!”
Brian Allgar:
With my hands round her throat as we kissed,
First I squeezed, then I started to twist;
I went mad with my knife
On that doll, large as life –
And as she deflated, she hissed.
Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr:
I never can cease and desist
From giving old saws a new twist.
To tradition I say
(And it’s true every day),
A bird flipped is worth two in the fist.
Kathy El-Assal:
“Please, sir, I want more,” was the gist
That got him expelled, but not missed.
He encountered the Dodger,
Became Fagin’s lodger,
And then — what the dickens? — a twist!
Will T. Laughlin:
In six days, from primordial mist,
God created Creation. The twist?
On the Eighth Day, He woke
From His rest with a choke,
And discovered He didn’t exist.
Fred Bortz, for his 3-verser:
To win on Mad’s limerick list,
Pen a verse that she cannot resist.
For a lim that’s sublime,
Keep tight rhythm and rhyme,
And of course you must end with a twist.
I ended that verse with “a twist,”
So declare–no in fact, I insist–
I must get an award
From the Limerick Board.
If I don’t, it’s a slap on the wrist.
Is my using “a twist” a real twist?
(I hope you are getting the gist.)
I am ever so clever!
I must win! However
By now I think Mad must be pissed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CAR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
In their hippy days, most would agree
That their lifestyles were simple and free.
But now at the mall
In the very next stall,
They’re parking some huge SUV.
Robert Schechter:
In the days before cheap GPSing
A car trip was sometimes distressing.
Some people used maps,
But I think perhaps
Most people relied on blind guessing.
Tim James:
At the speedway they sold me a ride
In a race car. “It’s easy!” they lied.
My top speed was about
One-oh-six. I got out
Just as soon as my trousers had dried.
Marty Gerendasy, whose limerick is also a “twist” limerick:
Pushed the key in and gave it a twist,
Then the engine just sputtered and hissed.
The damned car wouldn’t start
So I had to ride BART,
And you’d better believe I was pissed!
Kirk Miller:
An electric car auto amass
Miles per gallon that surely surpass
A conventional car,
So electric cars are
Said to be ones that really kick gas.
Jeanine Jamero Silverio:
She’s thirty, but still has some spunk,
Though she looks like an old piece of junk.
Still, she runs like a dream.
(Did you hear a scream?
I locked up my wife in the trunk.)
Brian Allgar:
In the back-seat, we did more than pet,
And it seemed we were covered in sweat …
We’d forgotten the brake,
Ended up in the lake –
Wasn’t sex that had made her so wet.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jeanine Silverio, Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, October 24th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Tim James:
Rhett Butler made many heads turn
When he dealt sobbing Scarlett that burn.
A true Southern gent
Would have said as he went:
“Mah dear, Ah just don’t give a durn.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kathy El-Assal, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kathy El-Assal:
The personna for whom viewers yearn
Is a Tina-as-Palin type turn
Who’ll earn kudos and laughs
For quaint quirks and fun gaffes.
That’s why SNL’s feeling the Bern.
Brian Allgar:
Said the preacher, “Just listen and learn –
You sinners are all gonna burn!
Your transgression enrages
The Good Lord – the wages
Of sin will be paid in an urn.”
Dave Johnson:
The candles continue to burn;
She’s intent on fulfilling a yearn.
But his focus instead
Is SportsCenter, not bed;
It looks like he might miss a turn.
Konrad Schwoerke:
She was not one her trainer should spurn,
But he did, and she swore he would learn.
So because of her ire,
She lit him on fire,
Then asked, “Are you feeling the burn?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Kathy El-Assal, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Sunday, September 27th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KATHY EL-ASSAL, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever Acrostic Limerick:
Culled by Carly, the workers got canned.
And at H.P., her tenure was panned.
Re-emerging to fight,
Lobbing zingers far right,
Yessiree, she could F up the land.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Phil Graham, Diane Groothuis, and ROBERT SCHECHTER. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
Dr. Frankenstein searched through the land
For each muscle, limb, organ and gland.
Yet his beast makes no fist;
Both arms end at the wrist.
Ain’t he great, folks? Let’s give him a hand!
Dave Johnson:
A bottle was found in the sand
With a note from a far-away land.
“We’ll come to your shore
Like so many before…
But not ’till The Trumpster is canned.”
David Reddekopp:
The gift that we gave her was grand.
She no longer relied on her hand.
On the sofa sat Alice
With vibrating phallus,
And Alice was in Wonderland.
Phil Graham:
Just a banjo, no need for a band,
As the embers of justice he fanned.
Folk music’s more meager
Since losing Pete Seeger;
He “hammered all over this land.”
Diane Groothuis:
He came with his hat in his hand,
Apology practiced and planned:
“I am sorry my dear
For bruising your ear.
That blowfly was trying to land.”
Robert Schechter:
In farms found throughout this great land,
There’s a rule that all cows understand,
And it’s so fundamental!
When milking, be gentle.
Don’t yank on the mammary gland.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Diane Groothuis, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phil Graham, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick of the Week (232)
Saturday, September 19th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Robert Schechter:
“I’ve lost my poor beak! Damn my luck!
Without it, my life will just suck.
They’re expensive, but face it:
I need to replace it.
Just send me the bill,” said the duck.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Adam Stern, Will T. Laughlin, Kathy El-Assal, Robert Schechter, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Adam Stern:
A white Pekin with plenty of pluck
To the bartender strode, past the ruck.
“Hey, there! What’ll you choose?”
“I like nuts in my booze.”
“Try a hickory daiquiri, duck!”
Will T. Laughlin:
’Cross the barnyard the miscreant snuck,
And Farmer Buck’s buttocks he struck.
With a furious QUACK!
He began his attack…
Lemme tell you, that’s one piquing duck!
Kathy El-Assal:
Since Obama is now a lame-duck,
The Tea Party’s running amok:
Trumped up boasting’s applauded
While rumors are lauded,
Canards for the Fox crowd to pluck.
Robert Schechter:
When the goose fell in love with the duck,
His mom and his dad went amok.
“We find it distressing
And don’t give our blessing!
She’s American. You’re a Canuck!”
David Reddekopp:
A duck and a rabbit? What luck!
A dilemma – poor Elmer is stuck.
Some believe that Bugs Bunny
Was fiendishly funny
To say it’s the season for duck.
But I reckon the rabbit’s a schmuck.
If you sell out your friend, then you suck.
Shots went by the duck’s head.
Should he drop and play dead?
What I’d do is tell Daffy to duck.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Adam Stern, David Reddekopp, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick of the Week (231)
Saturday, September 12th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
For golfers who’ve struggled in vain
I’ve decided to finally explain
My special golf diet.
I know once they try it
That par snips on greens they’ll retain.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Kathy El-Assal, Les a/k/a Colonialist, Bob Dvorak, Tim James, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kirk Miller:
There once was a woman named Jane,
Who from heroin couldn’t refrain.
She attempted to quit,
But then had to admit
That her efforts were, sadly, in vein.
Kathy El-Assal:
’Twas apparent she wasn’t Mark Twain.
Her attempts to get laughs were in vain.
So she wrote a French thriller
With taxi cab killer
Who drives all his victims in Seine.
Les a/k/a Colonialist:
In vain he consulted the vane
In seeking a windfall to gain;
But how winds will blow,
One never can know,
So, done in that vein, it’s a pain.
Bob Dvorak:
I’ve struggled at length, but in vain:
Is the Donald an ass, or insane?
But what media sells
Ain’t his open-mouthed yells,
But the size of his overdone mane.
Tim James:
Henry Higgins enunciates “rain”
Then he goes on and on in that vein.
His repeated refrain
On the weather in Spain
In the main gives me pain. Is that plain?
Will T. Laughlin:
We get high in a church, me ‘n’ Jane,
And they catch us. We try to explain:
“We’re just trippin’ on Jesus!”
They still come and seize us,
For “taking the Lord’s name in vein.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Colonialist, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, May 30th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Most lumberjacks, some say, are brutes,
Built for power from abs, pecs, and glutes.
But in math they do well.
Yes they truly excel.
Cutting logs, they compute all nth roots.
NOTE: I enjoyed the line 5 wordplay so much, that I violated my own general rule against limericks that may need an explanation. So if math humor makes you loggy, here’s Fred’s explanation:
For those who have forgotten or never learned logarithms, you can compute a square root by dividing the log of a number by two then finding the antilog of the result. Cube roots involve dividing the log by three. And in general, you can find the nth root by dividing the log by n.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Stephen Fleming, Kathy El-Assal, Kaye Roberts, and Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
Ten sailors were all in cahoots;
When on leave from their sea-going routes,
They would meet her to bang
As a nautical gang,
And they’d give her their ten-gun salutes.
Scott Crowder:
She never has colored her roots
Or toned-up her once perky fruits.
She’s more than okay
With her hair turning gray
And tucking her tits in her boots.
Colleen Murphy:
Said a carrot to tropical fruits,
“For sight we’re the favored recruits.”
But the kiwi replied,
“We’ve got C on our side.
So there! Now go back to your roots!”
Stephen Fleming:
I question a voter who roots
For the tally of feculent fruits
On the elephant ticket–
A baffling thicket
Of blustering arrogant suits.
Kathy El-Assal:
In Bayside, Mad put down her roots,
Then switched to word play from law suits.
Now Mark and his wife
Live a Queens-style life
With peons who bear pun-ish fruits.
Kaye Roberts:
A weight-lifter worked on his glutes.
His sinews were ropy, like roots.
Once skinny and fragile,
He’s not very agile,
But a mugger just looks, and then scoots.
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
A Scotsman named Ian McKloots
Played bagpipes that skirled squawky toots.
Until one day at last,
With kilt at half-mast,
He disclosed all his Manly McRoots.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Kathy El-Assal, Kaye Roberts, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Scott Crowder, Stephen Fleming, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Saturday, December 27th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BYRON IVES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A panda, with gun, chowed down peas
From a waitress, then shot at her knees,
Gnashed a bug in his fur,
Then left in a blur.
In essence, he eats, shoots, and fleas?
Congratulations to Mark Kane and Byron Ives, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Mark Kane:
Hot, spicy, wasabi-dried peas
With some cold icy sake might ease
My fair, fussy spouse
To unbutton her blouse,
And let me proceed as I please.
Byron Ives:
So you think hot, wasabi-dried peas
Will get you in good with your squeeze?
A PajamaGram, dude,
Will set the right mood.
Add good scotch and enjoy the striptease!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Kathy El-Assal, Carolyn Henly, Ron B., Steve Whitred, Tim James, and Jon Gearhart, Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Colleen Murphy:
The hiker had tried to appease
A ravenous tiger with cheese,
But the tiger said, “No.
I’d much rather go
With the man and his hand if you please.”
Kathy El-Assal:
“NRA types are hard to appease,”
Said a pacifist sending out pleas.
Trading humor for guns,
He resorted to puns:
“Your aim should be shooting the breeze!”
Carolyn Henly:
An old printer ran short on his p’s,
But the fruit man he wanted to please.
So he turned all aroun’
And then flipped upside down
And spelled “apple” by using two d’s.
Ron B.:
A mom told her kids, “Eat your peas.
Don’t let them roll down on your knees.
Don’t mash them to mush,
Don’t slash them to slush,
And swallow them first, if you sneeze!”
Steve Whitred:
To my daughters I said “Eat your peas,
Use your manners; say thank you and please.
Always pull your own weight,
And when out on a date
Clasp a quarter real tight with your knees.”
Tim James:
With soft words I will try to appease
My drunk gun-totin’ neighbor, ’cause he’s
Seeing Martians advance
As pink elephants dance.
He’s outside right now, shooting the breeze.
Jon Gearhart:
When Santa sets forth to appease
The kids of the world with gifts, he’s
Said to fly in his sleigh
For the length of a day
And give good kids all gifts with great ease.
I think that the reason that he’s
Been able to do this with ease
Is that most kids are naughty
With mouths spouting potty;
Thus, no gifts delivered to these!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Byron Ives, Carolyn Henly, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mark Kane, Ron B., Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Saturday, December 20th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ALLEN WILCOX, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A teller of tales hit a snag
When one tale made his audience gag.
From then on he was screwed,
Because everyone booed.
’Twas a case where the tale dogged the wag.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) C. Adams, Kathy El-Assal, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Matt Regan, Andy Bassett, Byron Ives, and Ron B. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
C. Adams:
A man told his boss, “There’s a snag.
Our servers are starting to lag.
We must pull all the plugs!
Our site selling ‘thick rugs’
Is confused by men wanting a ‘shag!’”
Kathy El-Assal:
Her plans to win votes hit a snag,
Cuz her rival would bluster and brag
Of deeds patriotic
And clearly psychotic,
Then wrap himself up in the flag.
Brian Allgar:
Absent-mindedness can be a snag;
My penis is wrapped in a flag,
And it’s tied in a knot,
To remind me of what? —
Oh, yes – must remember to shag.
Robert Schechter:
My zipper got caught on a snag
When I zigged when I wanted to zag,
And my member popped free
For the whole world to see
As it waved in the wind like a flag.
Matt Regan:
An engineer managed to snag
A ball-gown about which she’d brag:
“I knew in a minute
I’d look perfect in it
With my low co-efficient of drag.”
Andy Bassett:
A man told his boss “There’s a snag —
When you stepped out last night for a drag
Your phrasing so British
Made statesiders skittish,
Cuz you asked the desk clerk for a ‘fag.’”
Byron Ives:
Our golf outing hit a small snag;
Big Stu collapsed tending the flag.
Now what should we do?
We hit, then lugged Stu–
The rest of the round was a drag.
Ron B.:
A brash woman who managed to snag
A young farmer who majored in “Ag”
Said she gladly would yield
To his plow in her field,
If he kept all his seed in the bag.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Andy Bassett, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, C. Adams, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Matt Regan, Robert Schechter, Ron B., Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Sunday, November 30th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ROBERT BASLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Oh honey, please look at my butt.
Does this dress make it bigger, or what?
But before you reply
I am armed, which is why
You shouldn’t just go with your gut.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Kathy El-Assal, Byron Ives, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Robert Schechter:
There were no ifs or ands, just a but
(With only one “t”– this ain’t smut!),
But an editor’s threat
Made me change it to “yet”
And the but was accordingly cut.
Brian Allgar:
Sarah Palin is often the butt
Of deriders who think she’s a nut.
Though she has, it is true,
A one-figure IQ,
Her mouth is quite cute – when it’s shut.
Fred Bortz:
A billy goat shows he can butt,
While a peacock will swagger and strut,
But a macho man here
Will just guzzle his beer
And display his protuberant gut.
Kathy El-Assal:
Derrière is just one word for butt.
Of synonyms there are a glut:
Ass, tochus and heinie
(Bodacious to tiny)
Be cheeky, don’t fall in a rut!
Byron Ives:
Life is sometimes a kick in the butt,
And for most, it’s just not that clear cut.
Oh, sure, you can prove
You’re in a great groove,
And then wonder, is this groove a rut?
Tim James:
A guy had a pain in the butt
When, surprised in the midst of a rut
By the gal’s jealous man,
He got shot in the can,
Thus depriving this cock of his strut.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Fred Bortz, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick of the Week (191)
Saturday, September 6th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The fellow was robbing their nest
Of their eggs, and the hens were distressed.
They were out of their wits,
So they pecked him to bits–
He’d forgotten his pullet-proof vest.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Mad gave us a seven-day stay,
A Labor Day verse to assay.
I may sound like a jerk,
But that’s way too much work!
I’ll bear down when they pass Goof-Off Day.
Congratulations to COLLEEN MURPHY, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
With my daughters now out of the nest,
There’s an issue that need be addressed:
Before it’s too late
I must work with my mate
To rekindle the zest we’ve repressed.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Byron Ives, Bill Klein, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Randy Mazie, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Byron Ives:
The triplets got kicked from their nest,
Two boys and a girl, dispossessed.
They walked, but she faltered,
Her huge boobs, un-haltered.
The brothers then each walked abreast.
Bill Klein:
A woman who’d seen that a nest
Had been built ‘twixt her left and right breast,
Cried “Alas and alack!
There are birds on my rack!”
And with zest swept the pests from her chest.
Jon Gearhart:
I invited her back to my nest
For Monopoly, purely in jest.
But she jumped at the Chance,
Thrust her hand down my pants,
So I grabbed her Community Chest.
Kathy El-Assal:
An eagle took flight from his nest.
“Catch a fish” was his hunger’s request.
Averting bird famine,
He snatched up a salmon
And ere long that fish he fin-essed.
Randy Mazie @ thewritersvillage:
Our children have all flown the nest.
Now my wife and I walk ’round undressed,
Which may sound quite benign,
But it isn’t so fine
When a kid is an unannounced guest.
Konrad Schwoerke:
What’s that syndrome when kids leave the nest,
And your wife will not give you a rest?
I’m no specialist, though
From what little I know
Nymphomania seems to fit best.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bill Klein, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Randy Mazie, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, July 13th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The barkeep’s wife, Tilley, I’d drill
Ev’ry chance I could get — what a thrill!
But I took it too far
Having sex in the bar;
I got caught with my hand in his Till.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Okay ladies, you know the drill:
No diaphragm, condom, or pill
Will be bought by employers
Who have the best lawyers
Like Hobbyin’ Lobbyists will.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Allen Wilcox, Kathy El-Assal, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
My hillbilly gal knew the drill;
She would make the best moonshine until
Fed’ral agents one day
Came and took her away.
Now she’s gone, and I yearn for her still.
Allen Wilcox:
The delegates – they knew the drill.
As they lined up to sign, they were still.
To declare they were free,
Which soon they would be,
They stood tall and were all dressed to quill.
Kathy El-Assal:
In cat houses, girls know the drill:
It’s giving their clients a thrill.
With mirrors revealing
What clothes were concealing,
The need for blue pills will be nil.
Brian Allgar:
Said Shakespeare “Thou knowest the drill.
’Tis said every Jack shall have Jill.
’Twixt thy legs I shall lay me —
Seek not to gainsay me,
For where there’s a way, there’s a Will.”
Colleen Murphy:
The young man repeated the drill
He did with incredible skill.
(He perfected this knowledge
By going to college.)
Pour the beer, chug it down, then refill.
Fred Bortz:
The surgeon perfected the drill.
He made each incision with skill.
He created a hole
Where there once was a pole,
And Ms. Willa was no longer Bill.
Byron Ives:
In boot camp, Will sure knew the drill.
To shoot on the range was a thrill.
He’d never been shot,
But it made his sack taut
When the sergeant yelled, “FIRE AT WILL!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, May 4th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A British lad, Jack, hunts for guys.
When he’s queried on this, he replies:
“I don’t know what it means.
I’m just drawn to their jeans.
Now they’re calling me ‘Lord of the Flies.’”
Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN and COLLEEN MURPHY, who tie in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
He loved his nights out with the guys,
But left early one night — a surprise.
His wife said, “Oh, dear,
Since you were not here,
I tried your best friend on for size.”
Colleen Murphy:
Deliliah kept dating these guys
Who stared at her breasts, not her eyes.
So she wore baggy shirts.
Then if guys were still flirts,
She’d award them the big booby prize.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Judith H. Block, Bob Dvorak, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Kathy El-Assal, and Chris O’Carroll. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kevin Ahern:
The parents of wee girls and guys
Respond with a thousand replies.
Well, here’s a suggestion:
For every question
“Because” is a word to the “whys.”
Judith H. Block:
A woman was dating three guys.
Each one was a gem. What a prize!
One dazzled her mind,
One musically shined,
And one’s cock was a wonderous size!
Bob Dvorak:
A woman was dating three guys:
A doc; a tycoon; but the prize
Was a lama, undoing
The fun in the screwing.
But she’s healthier, wealthy, and wise.
Tim James:
Miss Uhura was dating three guys
And, when asked if she thought that was wise,
Said, “Why not? Kirk will bed
Any chick who’s not dead.
It’s the essence of free Enterprise!”
Steve Whitred:
A woman was dating three guys,
Thinking each would the other despise.
But she one day, it’s said,
Found all three in her bed,
Which was quite the ménage à surprise.
Kathy El-Assal:
Droll master of stealth and disguise,
Boris Badenov told lots of lies.
He’d dress like a pasha
Rush in with Natasha…
Deflecting attempts to diss spies.
Chris O’Carroll:
Said a gal who was dating three guys,
“In their own ways, they’re all sweetie-pies,
But my days and my nights
Need more spicy delights
Than any one lover supplies.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Chris O'Carroll, Colleen Murphy, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Judith H. Block, Kathy El-Assal, Kevin Ahern, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, March 2nd, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
In a fleece, back and forth, the wolf paced,
Sneaking up on some prey which he chased.
He tried ewe, he tried ram,
Finally captured a lamb,
Which he then took the thyme to lamb baste.
Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Their first date had been rather fast-paced
‘Til she slapped him, and ended his haste.
She explained, “There’s a good
Chance you misunderstood
When I said I prefer to be chaste.”
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
If the LGBT are outpaced
And these homophobe laws are embraced
We’ll look back and exclaim
“Where were we when they came
And our rights, one by one, were erased?”
***
I’ve a friend, or I had one, of late.
Things between us are not all that great.
He greets anti-gay laws
With a quiet applause,
Though their logic he never can state.
It’s the bible he says in the end,
A position he cannot defend.
If we legislate ‘sin,’
Tell me where to begin.
Did you know that it’s sinful to lend?
If your haircut is shaped by a bowl,
If your mare and your ass have a foal,
If you eat crab or pork,
Or you live in New York,
‘bomination will be on your soul.
So I say to my friend, not in haste,
“Even though you think ‘gays’ are debased,
It’s hypocrisy’s height
To deny them their right,
For not one of us truly is chaste.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Scott Crowder, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Sue Dulley:
Old photos in albums I paste–
Here’s Grandma, with wasp-worthy waist.
She must be nineteen
(In inches, I mean)
Back then, just as later, strait-laced.
Chris Doyle:
“One, two, three…,” Noah says making paste
With tomatoes, so none go to waste
In his homemade ragout,
Which some cheer and some boo
‘Cause there’s just Noah counting for taste.
Steve Whitred:
The filly “My Father Eats Paste”
Never won, never showed, never placed
Whereas horse number 2
“I Don’t Want To Be Glue”
Is a winner whenever she’s raced.
Brian Allgar:
A woman whose life was fast-paced,
Made some soup that was lacking in taste.
“Forget it!” she yelped.
“Some herbs might have helped,
But I really have no thyme to waste.”
Scott Crowder:
A woman whose life was fast-paced,
And hadn’t the time to be chased,
Was keen on a man,
She called Steely Dan,
Whose batteries could be replaced.
Robert Schechter:
I brush all my teeth with a paste
That’s infused with a fresh minty taste.
It makes a nice foam!
But since Charleston’s my home
I must rinse with industrial waste.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, Craig Dykstra, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Sunday, January 5th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A gardener frequently blows
Lots of money on hoes, hose, and hos.
What’s the kind he likes best?
Well, unlike all the rest,
It’s the one that you can’t buy at Lowe’s.
Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Though my relatives near come to blows,
And my nightmares are filled with red bows,
And my innocent telly
Now knows Megyn Kelly,
I’m sad after everyone goes!
Congratulations to J Cosmo Newbery, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
The brav’ry of someone who blows
On bagpipes, is hard to suppose.
As they pump and exhale
It lets out a high wail–
Like a cat in its final death throes.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
So, this Christmas turned out a bit weird:
Last week’s man in the news with a beard
Wasn’t “god’s only son”
Or “the red suited one,”
But ‘a feller that’s homo afeard.’
Seems he said a few words that were rude
About things some folks do in the nude.
Claimed he’s speaking for god.
That’s the part I found odd.
Not as odd though as what then ensued.
The network said “Good grief, O lord,
By this unchristian speech we’re abhorred.”
But they soon got the news
That this good ol’ boy’s views
With Confederate hearts struck a chord.
In a cowardly turn I believe
The old duck guy was given reprieve.
They said “we don’t hate gays
But it’s clear that what pays
Is to give all you hicks ‘by your leave.'”
Now I can’t say what all this portends.
But it’s time that this limerick ends.
So to Phil who sells bait,
Though your words incite hate
Happy New Year to you and my friends.
Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Holiday Limerick Division” (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Chris Hansen, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Kirk Miller.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Limerick Blows Division” (in random order) Kathy El-Assal, Will T. Laughlin, Bob Dvorak, and John Peter Larkin.
Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Honorable Mention Winners — “Holiday Limerick Division”
Tim James:
A fellow of whom I’ve heard tell
Doesn’t write Christmas cards very well:
“I wish you and your wife
Ots of ove and ong ife.”
But it fits, in this time of No el.
Fred Bortz:
It’s a Jewish December tradition
To serve meals at the Save-a-Soul Mission,
Then to nosh some Chinese,
Where pork’s kosher — Oh please,
That is NOT the rabbinic position!
Chris Hansen:
Some resolve on the first day of Jan.
To work out, or abstain, or eat bran.
The gyms are awash
With the poor and the posh.
By the tenth they’re all gone, to a man.
Byron Miller:
At the company party this Christmas,
Our boss was a rowdily Pissed Miss,
All smoochy and jolly,
Decked only in holly–-
An under-the-mistletoe-Kissed mess.
Kirk Miller:
At Christmas, what carries some clout
Is mistletoe hanging about.
When I hung some at work,
People said, “Tell me, Kirk,
With mistletoe how’d you make out?”
Honorable Mention Winners — “Limerick Blows Division”
Kathy El-Assal:
From the ship came a loud “There she blows!”
As the white whale from ocean depths rose.
The sea was soon strewn
With crew and harpoon
As Moby de-feeted more foes.
Will T. Laughlin:
We went to “The 400 Blows,”
Which we thought was that film of Truffaut’s.
We found we were wrong:
It starred Annabelle Chong
And four hundred fortunate schmoes.
Bob Dvorak:
A woman who frequently blows
On her horn says her preference it shows.
When asked by a wench
If her horn felt like French
She replied, “Blowing French — la même chose.”
John Peter Larkin:
A woman who’d suffered some blows
From guys whom she thought were her beaus,
Told them all to get lost
In tones filled with frost,
And said their new status was “Foes.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Byron Miller, Chris Hansen, Fred Bortz, J Cosmo Newbery, Johanna Richmond, John Peter Larkin, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Will Lauglin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Sunday, December 15th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
In the time I’ve grown old, I’ve grown round.
But here’s a dilemma I’ve found:
The young people swear
That I’ve also grown *square*.
The geometry doesn’t seem sound!
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this news-related limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
The story is getting around
And it’s bound to offend and dumbfound:
That interpreter guy
At Mandela’s goodbye?
A phony! How very unsound!
Congratulations to Mark Kane and Diane Groothuis, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Mark Kane:
We’re eager to both fool around
At a private discreet picnic ground.
So we lie on a table,
Although it’s not stable,
And push past the risks that abound.
Diane Groothuis:
There’s a problem with fooling around
At that somewhat discreet picnic ground.
You forgot about Tom,
The creep peeping scum
Who watches not making a sound.
Mark Kane:
As we rolled onto Tom, round and round,
He then squealed with a very loud sound!
Had he stayed out of sight,
Until day changed to night,
We might well have resumed on the ground.
(This is only a taste of a lengthy picnic limerick exchange on Facebook, including more limericks by Mark and Diane and a limerick by Fred Bortz.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Jon Gearhart,
Kathy El-Assal, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Robert Basler:
The Beach Boys sang, “I Get Around.”
It fit with the rest of their sound.
They went, “Wah wa ooo.”
Yeah, their lyrics were poo.
No one claimed they were ever profound.
Fred Bortz:
The limerick judge came around,
Saw my bribe, and declared I’d be crowned.
But I didn’t ponder
Her double entendre
‘Til her clop on my kopf did resound.
Tim James:
Rush Limbaugh is running around
Spouting nothing but fury and sound.
In view of his “talents”
The budget would balance
If bullsh*t were taxed by the pound.
Sue Dulley, whose limerick relates to this news item:
“Some women whose contours are round
In yoga pants should not be found.”
Goodbye Mr Chip!
This shot from your hip
Was by any stretch rather unsound.
Jon Gearhart:
The circus fat lady is round.
Her walking can punish the ground.
She’ll rise to great fame.
Rotunda’s her name.
Makes tons cause she’s paid by the pound.
Kathy El-Assal:
Affluenza is going around
Amongst those with a wealthy background.
Its symptoms? Not caring,
Great riches not sharing,
And finding that Ayn Rand’s profound.
Will T. Laughlin:
Sarah Palin? Why’s she still around?
She opens her mouth to expound,
And the nonsense spills out
In a meaningless rout,
Like a car never fully unclowned.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Diane Groothuis, Fred Bortz, Jamie Hutchinson, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mark Kane, Robert Basler, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Sunday, December 8th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to John Peter Larkin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A fellow who’d frequently crab
Complained that his life was too drab.
Though he wasn’t too bright,
I’d say he was right.
Cuz even his house was pre-fab.
Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Said Brutus, “I don’t mean to crab,
But, dear Caesar, your toga is drab.
You need someone who knows
How to pick out your clothes.
Would you mind if I gave it a stab?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Kathy El-Assal, John Lawrence Ramos, Chris Doyle, Fred Bortz, and Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Steve Whitred:
A gal who was rather a crab
In the bedroom was totally fab.
So, despite all her grousing,
We did so much ‘spousing’
That grey shaded novel seemed drab.
Kathy El-Assal:
Like lobster, its cousin the crab
Is a gourmet delight, so chefs nab
These seafood crustaceans
For bisque-like creations
So rest’rants can soup up their tab.
John Lawrence Ramos:
Three bedbugs, two lice and a crab
Convened for a post-feeding gab.
One thought he had seen
A new tick on their teen,
But turned out, it was only a scab.
Chris Doyle
I’m a gal who does not like to crab,
But your ad said your body was fab.
So explain to me how
What I’m looking at now
Is a guy with a six-pack of flab.
Fred Bortz:
They added the genes of a crab
To a Doberman’s eggs in the lab.
Now here is the clincher:
That dog bore a “Pincher”
With claws on its paws that could grab.
Byron Miller:
He moves sideways at night, like a crab,
While he’s looking for prey he can nab.
So don’t walk home alone;
He’s a dog; you’re the bone;
And he’s quick with his gift of the grab.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Byron Miller, Chris Doyle, Fred Bortz, John Peter Larkin, John Ramos, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Sunday, November 17th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Ann Martin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A dad who just planned to relax
Didn’t have all the relevant facts;
When his daughter named Lizzie
Said “Dad, are you busy?”
He said, “No, dear, but why do you ax?”
Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Her compliance with rules was so lax,
That Mad gave her lim’rick the ax.
With mission aborted
And craftiness thwarted,
Would syntax require a sin tax?
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Chris Doyle, John Lawrence Ramos, Sue Dulley, Kevin Ahern, Will T. Laughlin, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Craig Dykstra:
Seeking breast augmentation? Relax!
I give cougars like you some great stacks.
So the young men you seek
Will go weak with one peek –
And I call my shop “Oedipus Racks.”
Chris Doyle:
The far right says: “The U.S. is lax,
Letting immigrants slip through the cracks.
Line the border with moats
Filled with crocs big as boats,
And we’ll stop our Hispanic attacks!”
John Lawrence Ramos:
The neighborhood children were lax
In sidestepping boulevard cracks;
By the end of the day,
When they wrapped up their play,
They’d broken twelve mothers’ poor backs.
Sue Dulley:
Once weekly we sit and relax
With a bowlful of buttery snacks.
It is just me and thee
Watching Public TV:
Last Tango in … (wait!) Halifax.
Kevin Ahern:
Marie Antoinette was quite lax,
So the public made HER face the facts.
Her biggest mistake
Was talking of cake,
And for this, they just gave her the ax.
Will T. Laughlin:
To the concert I went, to relax;
But the orchestra’s made up of hacks.
They murdered the fragile
First bars of “Tintagel,”
So I shot ’em all in the Bax.
David Lefkovits:
The Weight Watchers CFO’s lax
In responding to shareholder FAQs.
When a fat guy complains
Of unwanted gains,
He asks: “Is that net or pretax?”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ann Martin, Chris Doyle, Craig Dykstra, David Lefkovits, John Ramos, Kathy El-Assal, Kevin Ahern, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Sunday, November 3rd, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Ah’m a-huntin’ for deer in my truck,
But this air rifle’s brung me no luck.
Grab a shotgun instead,
Shoot a twelve-pointer dead.
Get a little more bang for my buck.
Congratulations to Bruce Niedt, who wins the Special Halloween-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“A Halloween full moon is neat,”
Thought the werewolf, “I’ll go trick-or-treat!
They’ll think it’s a mask,
So they won’t even ask–
I’ll come home with a bag full of meat!”
Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
She hired Two Men And A Truck
When her marriage had run all amok.
As they set up her bed,
To the movers she said,
“Would you under the covers me…tuck?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Jamie Hutchinson, Steve Whitred, Chris Doyle, John Ramos, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, and Craig Dykstra. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Will T. Laughlin:
The immigrant hid in a truck
And over the border he snuck,
Lured by promise of wealth
And good care for his health.
You guessed it. He’s now a Canuck.
Jamie Hutchinson:
A croc said that she’d have no truck
With a toothless old muckety-muck:
“When the waterfowl light
And the time’s right to bite
A good bull puts his rows in a duck.”
Steve Whitred:
Being born in the back of a truck
Up in Canada isn’t bad luck:
In the fall they haul hay.
In the snow, they’re our sleigh.
And in summertime that’s where we … (I’m not writing that word on Mad’s blog.)
Chris Doyle:
“Try the brownies out back in my truck.
They’re the bomb; you’ve no need for Cold Duck,”
Said the host with a wink
To a gal with a drink.
“There’s a reason this party’s potluck.”
John Ramos:
A positive thinker named Steve
Stalked his victims on All Hallows’ Eve;
“To you, it’s an ax,”
He explained between whacks,
“But to me, it’s a goal to achieve.”
Kathy El-Assal:
For Halloween, at her new school,
Should she dress as a zombie or ghoul?
A vampire, a ghost?
Or maybe just boast,
“I’m Coultergeist, Tea Party tool!”
Kirk Miller:
“Anonymous writers don’t like
The wages they’re offered,” said Mike.
“If they don’t get more green,
Then on this Halloween
The ghost writers threaten to strike.”
Craig Dykstra:
I got cookies from guys dressed like genies,
And some Snickers® from girls in bikinis.
But I didn’t want food
From that politics dude–
Carlos Danger was handing out weenies.
Kirk Miller:
I’m spreading the Halloween news
Concerning which party to choose.
Mine’s bound to be dandy
With free food and candy,
But people should bring their own boos.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bruce Niedt, Chris Doyle, Craig Dykstra, Jamie Hutchinson, John Ramos, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Sunday, October 27th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Said a butcher in France slicing ham
For a woman: “I’ll throw in some lamb
And pastrami for free
If with me you agree
To play hide the salami, madame.”
And congratulations to Chris Doyle yet again, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for a second limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
I’ll be frank: where’s the sugar-cured ham?
I’ll be blunt: where’s the glaze on this yam?
I’ll be forthright: this beet
Needs a coating that’s sweet.
(It’s no secret how candied I am.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Phyllis LaVietes, Kathy El-Assal, Tom Harris, Will T. Laughlin, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Craig Dykstra:
My gramps is forever a ham.
He drops trou and rocks out to a jam.
So last night he’s on Skype
(And I don’t mean to gripe)
But he maybe should turn off his cam.
Phyllis LaVietes:
A woman was roasting a ham
Made of soy. She said, “Yes, it’s a sham,
But I’d feel like a dork
If I were to eat pork.
I am vegan – I yam what I yam!”
Kathy El-Assal:
“You are cured,” said the chef to the ham.
“Now it’s time for that patient young lamb.”
While he nursed his red wine,
Chef looked forward to dine
On paella he’d doctored with clam.
Tom Harris:
The man was a terrible ham,
Whose movie career was a sham.
But he did get one part.
His role: Cut a fart.
He stunk, but went out with a blam!
Will T. Laughlin:
Mr. Cruz: Both your Green Eggs and Ham
Down your mis’rable throat I should cram
For making a game
Of my credit and name.
Respectfully yours… Uncle Sam.
Tim James:
A woman was roasting a ham
When her gas stove went off with a blam!
With a flash and a roar
She got blown through a door.
Now she’s caught in a bit of a jamb.
Will T. Laughlin:
Said the Chef, “I’ve a very large ham
Which I’m anxious to show you, Madame.
Though I’m most at my best
With a plump bit of breast,
And I do like to chowder a clam!”
Now, the Chef was a very nice guy.
‘Twas a meal that he meant, and no lie.
He was truly bereft
When she slapped him and left,
And he still doesn’t understand why.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Filed under Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest
Tags: Chris Doyle, Craig Dykstra, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis LaVietes, Tim James, Tom Harris, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Limericks | 3 Comments »
Sunday, October 13th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
In the Marrakech souk, a trained snake
Emerged from his basket, awake.
The snake charmer rose
And offered to pose.
“No fangs!” said the visiting sheik.
Congratulations to Craig Dykstra who, in a tie with HIMSELF, wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for these TWO limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”
She swerved sharply, avoiding a snake,
And her car ended up in the lake.
To the man at the shop,
Said “The damn thing won’t stop –
If you would, sir, please give me a brake.”
and
The guest had a very large snake
And was feeding it pieces of cake.
But the host said, “Ya know
It seems in-apropos
To be bringing your pet to a wake.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, Phyllis LaVietes, Robert Basler, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats:
A woman encountered a snake
And cooed to it, offering cake:
“Your pattern is stunning,
I find you quite cunning.”
Six people attended her wake.
Phyllis LaVietes:
A woman encountered a snake
Which offered her chocolate cake.
“Forbidden! My diet!”
She said, “Or I’d try it.”
Eve’s making no Eden mistake.
Robert Basler:
A woman encountered a snake
In some batter she started to bake.
She gasped, and said, “Whoa!
“I’m baking a boa!
“Prepare to be hugged by a cake!”
Steve Whitred:
A woman encountered a snake,
So a soup she decided to make.
Met a croc, made a stew,
Now her boyfriend’s untrue,
And she’s thinking a brisket she’ll bake.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Craig Dykstra, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Patrice Stewart, Phyllis LaVietes, Robert Basler, Steve Whitred, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
