Posts Tagged ‘Kat Irving’

Limerick-Off Award (320)

Saturday, April 20th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I am not apathetic,” said Lydia.
“That is not why I have to get rid o’ ya.
So don’t be confused
If I seem unenthused;
It’s cause YOU fucking gave me chlamydia!”

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special LEMON-Themed Limerick Award for this clever acrostic limerick:

Low in fat, rich in vitamin C,
Especially good with iced tea;
Must try it on fish
Or a nice salad dish.
Not to worry; lots more on the tree!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sim Smailes, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Fred Bortz, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Kat Irving, Alan Hochbaum, Brian Allgar, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSED/CONFUSED” RHYME DIVISION)

Sim Smailes:

Led Zepp’lin could not be accused
Of letting themselves be abused.
Yet one angry fan
Let fly with a pan
And left them all “Dazed and Confused.”

Tim James:

A dude was extremely confused
When he heard the term “cowpuncher” used.
He thought: “Punch? Is that how
I get milk from that cow?”
So he tried it. That bull’s not amused.

Robert Schechter:

I went to sleep happy. It’s done!
The end of Trump’s day in the sun!
I was shocked and confused
When I woke and perused
The papers. The bastard had won!

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Sweet Granny was very enthused
And eager to read “The Accused.”
When I said, “It’s online,”
She remarked, “That sounds fine;
But where is the book? I’m confused.”

Fred Bortz:

“Your Honor,” he said, “I’m confused;
Was there something I missed while I snoozed?
The attorneys are boring.
That’s why I was snoring.”
So the judge glared and said, “You’re excused.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“EYES” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

I looked deep into Stephanie’s eyes,
And I knew she’d been telling me lies.
’Twas a blow to my pride
That she felt, deep inside,
I fell short of her standards for size.

Ken Gosse:

I become quite confused when I write,
Once my brain cells have fused for the night.
But that’s not a surprise,
Since the blur in my eyes
Comes from lemonade, whiskey, and Sprite.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My old teacher was not very wise;
She would drink and steal all the supplies.
And as blitzed as could be,
She insisted that we
Dot our t’s and then cross all our eyes.

Kirk Miller:

Said a young buxom gal to two guys,
“What I say should be no big surprise.
Here’s what I would like best
To get off my chest:
It’s simple — your four staring eyes.”

Steve Benko:

We made contact at first with our eyes,
Then in bed came her passionate cries;
By this Hollywood star
I got blown in my car.
What? You think that I’m telling you lies?

Kat Irving:

As she dances, I watch my sweet prize.
She has tender, young breasts; meaty thighs.
I’m a cannibal, me,
And all I can see
Is a truly great feast for the eyes.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LEMON LIMERICK DIVISION)

Alan Hochbaum:

Oh, let me not stammer nor hedge
’Bout my clunker that froze like a veg;
When I next need a lift
My new model will shift…
And that, folks, is my lemon pledge.

Tim James:

She sliced lemons to rub on her chest,
Neck and shoulders, then made a request
Of her man: “Be a peach;
Rub the parts I can’t reach.”
It’s a task he’s approaching with zest.

Brian Allgar:

“Them ‘oranges’ Darwin invented?
The guy musta been quite demented.
His theory is feces –
‘The Lemons of Species’
Would make as much sense,” Trump dissented.

Dave Johnson:

I owned a mid-Seventies car;
It managed to show me how far
(With handles that broke
And performance a joke),
That Mustang had lowered the bar.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My favorite flavor of Jell-O
Is orange; it makes me feel mellow.
The name of that fruit
Is its color (how cute!)
So why ain’t a lemon called “yellow?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (320)

Limerick-Off Award (319)

Sunday, April 7th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to THOMAS VINCENT, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:

Tough love may be fine when you’re grown,
But for children, best leave it alone;
If you raise kids or chard
With a heart that is hard,
You will soon reap just what you have sown.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DIVORCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A newlywed couple I know
Will divorce in a few weeks or so.
What’s the cause of their split?
He’s not yet found her clit.
If he can’t make her come, then she’ll go.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Brian Allgar:

Said King Henry, “I’m dying to wed
Anne Boleyn – she gives really great head.
So first I must ditch
My last wife – frigid bitch!
But the Pope says ‘You’re married till dead.'”

“I’ve begged him until I am hoarse,
But he simply won’t budge. Well, of course,
I am nobody’s dope –
I’ve outsmarted the Pope
By inventing a thing called ‘Divorce.'”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, David Reddekopp, Steve Benko, Margie Nairn, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Kat Irving and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GROWN or GROAN” RHYME DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

When ice cream is sold in a cone
That can’t hold a scoop on its own,
Let alone two or three
I’ll say “Kids’ size for me,”
And ignore how much up I have grown.

David Reddekopp:

I’ve made lim’ricks an art all my own
And as time has gone on, it has shown
That my poetry runs
With many more puns
As my lim’rick collection has groan.

Steve Benko:

My children are now fully grown,
But I still don’t much care for their tone.
By me they’re embarrassed,
And visits? The rarest,
Except when in need of a loan.

Margie Nairn:

She hopped from the bed with a groan:
“Where’s that condom? It seems to have flown!”
“Don’t be daft,” said her mate.
“But please rush! Oops, too late,”
He said with a smile and a moan.

Tim James:

A misogynist let out a groan
At how “ugly” he found an old “crone.”
No one’s told the big creep
Beauty’s only skin deep;
As for stupid, that goes to the bone.

Brian Allgar:

When Trump showed the hooker his bone,
She giggled. “Think THAT can be blown?”
Returning his dough,
She said “You’d better go –
Come back when your dick’s fully grown.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

That document sure made me groan;
It’s wording, to me, was unknown.
So I saw Rabbi Hunt,
And he read back to front.
Then explained The Reverse Mortgage Loan.

Dave Johnson:

A stripper club dancer is known
To bring down the house on her own.
Her circle of fans
Never sit on their hands;
She’s seen how its members have grown.

Robert Schechter:

A pun’s like a seedling that’s sown,
So fragile, its future’s unknown.
Most die in the ground,
But sometimes it’s found
That a pun will survive till full groan.

Roger Haugen:

The athlete delivered a groan
When struck in the crotch by a stone;
Like all macho jocks
He’s proud of his rocks:
“They’re the most precious things that I own.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DIVORCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

He’s made off with the dogs and the house,
Yet he still feels empowered to grouse
That I wouldn’t condone
His crass cheating (well known)–
As if I, and not he, were the louse.

Robert Schechter:

Our love for each other was true.
We were married. Our love only grew.
But the day she said “MAGA!”
Our amorous saga
Was over. Our marriage was through.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

For years I was suff’ring with grief.
I’ll tell you my story, real brief:
I got wed (then remorse),
So I got a d-i-v-o-r-c-e,
And that is how I spelled relief.

Steve Benko:

Said Henry the Eighth, “My new church
Leaves no man with a plan in the lurch.
If your wife gives you grief,
You can turn a new leaf
And be free while for pussy you search.”

Kat Irving:

He cried when the judge looked his way.
“Divorce me?” he groaned in dismay.
Then the judge wiped his tear
With my checkbook. It’s clear
That my Ex won the jackpot that day.

Kirk Miller:

Though both of the Cyclops did try
Hard to make marriage work, theirs did die;
Said the new divorcee,
“We just couldn’t agree
At all. Didn’t see eye to eye.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (319)

Limerick-Off Award (318)

Saturday, March 23rd, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Two pencils set off on erase,
Looking sharp as they scratched out a pace;
The number one led,
Then the two got ahead,
But it ended a draw for first place.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Conductor-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

An ancient conductor named Tim
(Not me) met that Reaper most Grim.
He was well past his prime
Up on stage, beating time,
Till today, when time fin’lly beat him.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Thomas Vincent, Kat Irving, John Edwards, Lisi Nortman, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RACE or ERASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

When the demagogue entered the race
Scary changes began to take place.
People took great delight
Showing hatred and spite,
Meeting two definitions of “base.”

Fred Bortz:

“It’s time that we cut to the chase,”
Said the lad in a sweaty embrace.
“Your body’s so supple.
I’m eager to couple.”
She replied, “Wait, this isn’t a race.”

Thomas Vincent:

When viewed from a ship out in space,
Humanity’s such a disgrace.
If evolving’s the test,
And Trump is the best,
We surely aren’t winning the race.

Kat Irving:

I’m in love with a dashing young fellow
Who plays an enormous red cello.
When he picks up the pace,
My heart starts to race.
And I swoon when his touch becomes mellow.

Tim James:

He was awed by her body and face,
So he went with her, back to her place,
Where he found out that “she”
Was hung better than he.
That’s an image he’d like to erase.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONDUCTOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

John Edwards:

To a cellist, a maestro from Datchet
Said, “This is the tempo – please match it!
Your instrument lies
Between your two thighs;
And you just seem to sit there and scratch it.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The conductor seemed very forlorn:
He told me, “I’m terribly torn;
Though this job is first-rate,
Today wasn’t great
Cause Ms. Dinah would not blow my horn.”

Brian Allgar:

“That flautist!” recalled the conductor.
“She was hot, and I tried to instruct her
In ‘playing the flute,’
But my flute had gone mute,
So, regrettably, I never … what’s the phrase I’m looking for?”

John Edwards:

The conductor stepped onto the stand.
A lady said, “Isn’t he grand!
He looks pretty slick
With his cute little stick.
And he waves it in time with the band.

Fred Bortz:

I’m thinking of writing these tomes:
For building things, “Bucky’s Great Domes”;
For Quantum Mechanics,
“Why Schrödinger Panics”;
For conductors, “There’s No Law Like Ohm’s.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Musicians will often expound
A philosophy, very profound:
“The conductor’s unkind,
But we do keep in mind
That at least that damn stick makes no sound.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »

Limerick-Off Award (317)

Saturday, March 9th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

He gave scullers a recommendation
That they ought to use synchronization
To improve their boat’s speed,
Because what rowers need
Is a great deal of co-oar-dination.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special POULTRY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My chicken was glum in her coop;
She was coughing and had a bad croup.
So we called Doc Elixir,
Who told us to fix’er
By giving her hot people soup.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Charles Simmons, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Tim James, Victor Hood, John Shardlow, Thomas Vincent, Brian Allgar, Kat Irving, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NEED OR KNEAD OR KNEED” RHYME DIVISION)

Charles Simmons:

A knight galloped up on his steed
To rescue a maiden in need.
But his horse hit a rut,
He lit on his butt,
And the fair damsel laughed till she peed.

Dave Johnson:

A baker’s assistant must heed
Instructions to get up to speed.
Now here’s my advice:
Be direct and concise;
Then give them the dough that they knead.

Fred Bortz:

My Prof warned, “There’s one thing you need
In order to be PhDed:
Your thesis committee
Must grill without pity.
It’s time that you be third-degreed.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In “Defense Class” the ladies agreed
To follow the famed Kick-Box Creed:
“Keep real careful watch,
Go right for the crotch,
And make sure he is properly kneed.”

Tim James:

A guy with a strong carnal need
Told the girls who showed up for the deed:
“What I want, I don’t know.
Let’s just go with the flow.”
Since the gals were Trump hookers, they peed.

Victor Hood:

She said to me, “I’m in great need
Of a very large dose of some speed.
Though my body is yours,
To get into my drawers
The deal is the speed for the deed.

John Shardlow:

The Lord said to Onan, “Indeed,
I’ll slay you for spilling your seed.”
He replied “There’s no waste;
It’s wallpaper paste.
It happens when I feel the knead.”

Thomas Vincent:

An indigent baker named Reid,
Made loaves with some illegal weed.
Soon the profits did grow;
He was rolling in dough.
Not bad for a baker in knead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (POULTRY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Doctor Spooner had verbal bad luck,
For his tongue all too often got stuck,
And he gave them a shock
At the rest’rant “Thai Wok” –
He’d intended to order Fried Duck.

Kat Irving:

The handsome young rooster was loosed
On the young of the brood. He seduced
A hen called Matilda.
The shock nearly killed her!
His chickens will come home to roost.

Mike Moulton:

A handsome young chicken named Fred
Tried to charm all the hens in the shed;
He said “I’m a great cock.”
But the hens in the flock
Saw that he was a capon and fled.

Tim James:

The detective, his face in a scowl,
At the murder scene let out a growl:
“These dead turkeys and chickens ―
The sight of them sickens!
Indeed, this is murder most fowl!”

Brian Allgar:

I enjoy a nice partridge or pheasant;
Though small, they are tasty and pleasant.
But when I am starving,
I’d rather be carving
A swan, which I’m eating at present.

Jean McEwen:

As a vegan, I follow a creed:
I shall never eat poultry; indeed,
Even eggs are taboo,
So I’ve really no clue
Why those fowl all cry foul when I feed.

Tim James:

My poultry plant foreman averred
That I’m worthless. He spat out each word:
“If that hen you just plucked
Isn’t spotless, you’re f*#%ed!
Give it here!” So I flipped him the bird.

David Friedman:

The chicken was mad and it showed:
“I’m old and forgetful,” it crowed.
“Forgotten have I
The whole reason why
I crossed this proverbial road.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (317)