I swear I’m not making this headline up: “SI Swimsuit Models on National Donut Day.”
Makes sense, cuz after all when you think “donuts,” you think “swimsuit models.”
On the other hand, tomorrow (the first Friday in June) really is National Donut Day. So I figured I’d celebrate with a somewhat more apt stereotype:
“I’m famished — need something to eat,”
Said a cop who was walking the beat.
“My last donut was noon.
I need sustenance soon.
Make it something that’s sugar-replete.”
Sex Post Facto (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
What’s the worst you can say after sex?
That question continues to vex.
But you’ll soon be a loner
With this little boner:
“You’re not even as good as my ex.”
UPDATE: June 9 is National Sex Day.
Okay, this isn’t a major holiday, but still…
Happy Birthday To “Happy Birthday” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“Happy Birthday To You” has a birthday.
Yes, today is its notable mirth day.
But “Good Morning To All”
Was its lyric. Don’t bawl!
I’ll concede it’s less key than, say, “Earth Day.”
The song “Happy Birthday To You” has a strange and complicated history. Its melody was first published on June 27, 1893 as “Good Morning to All,” with lyrics that have nothing to do with birthdays. And its copyright ownership has been the subject of numerous lawsuits. Despite its advanced age, it somehow remains under copyright protection.
Not “In The Pink” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow would frequently sprawl
On the couch as he cursed at the wall.
How he fumed! His complaint
Was its bright color paint:
“Yummy Pink” was his wife’s tasteless call.
Happy National Pink Day!
Limerick Ode To World Music Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It’s Music Day. Toast it with verse.
Do it soon; there’s no time to rehearse.
Play an instrument, sing,
Simply listen, or swing…
Cuz a music-less life is a curse.
Happy World Music Day!
If the thought of dogs at work gives you pause, you might want to play hooky on “Take Your Dog To Work Day.” It’s celebrated each year on the first Friday after Father’s Day, so this year it falls on June 20th.
Limerick Ode To “Take Your Dog To Work Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Do you hear any barking at work?
If so, you’re not going berserk.
“Take Your Dog To Work” days
Can cause canine arrays
Once a year. It’s a white collar perk.
(If you prefer, there’s always Take Your Parents To Work Day.)
Are you celebrating Sushi Day today? Not me!
My Raw Aversion (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The thought of raw fish makes me ill,
And though many love sushi, a drill
That’s invading my tooth
Is more welcome, in truth,
Than such super-rare swill on the bill.
Limerick Ode To The Shopping Cart
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Sylvan Goldman designed something smart;
He invented the food shopping cart.
With its basket, it aids
In a task that pervades
All our lives — buying stuff at the mart.
On June 4, 1937, Humpty Dumpty supermarket chain owner Sylvan Goldman introduced his invention, the shopping cart, in Oklahoma City.
The invention did not catch on immediately. Men found them effeminate; women found them suggestive of a baby carriage. “I’ve pushed my last baby buggy,” offended women informed him. After hiring several male and female models to push his new invention around his store and demonstrate their utility, as well as greeters to explain their use, his folding-style shopping carts became extremely popular and Goldman became a multimillionaire by collecting a royalty on every folding design shopping cart in the United States.
Brace yourself for “I Love My Dentist Day.” (June 2nd)
Limerick Ode to “I Love My Dentist Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Some holidays offer delight,
And others are likely to bite:
Love My Dentist Day’s one
That is NOT packed with fun,
So I brush the day off like a mite.
(You might also enjoy my Dental Deal and my Biting Limerick.)
And don’t forget about National Toothache Day (February 9th) and Dentists Day (March 6th.)
This limerick seems appropriate for International Hot & Spicy Food Day. (January 16)
Hot & Spicy Couple (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Whenever we’re ordering food,
We’re likely to be in the mood
For dishes quite spicy.
We hate to hear, “Dicey!
Our chef is a trifle unglued.”
Note: Mark and I love hot and spicy food. And most chefs will accommodate us, once we convince them that we don’t mean merely “American spicy.” But sometimes we’re warned that the chef is a prima donna who takes “extra spicy” requests as a personal affront.
And while this is most likely to happen when the chef’s French, I still vividly recall this Manhattan Mexican restaurant incident: The waitress said, “Don’t ask for ‘extra spicy,’ or the chef will punish you.”
We ignored her and, alas, she was right.
UPDATE: June 10th is National Herbs And Spices Day.
I’ve decided to post an extra challenge this week, just in case my Limerick-Offs aren’t keeping you busy enough. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write an ACROSTIC poem that has something to do with FOOD, in any form you choose, be it limerick, haiku, quatrain, tanka, etc.
What’s an acrostic poem?
In an acrostic poem, the first letter of each line should, taken together, spell out the topic of your poem. Please note that it’s NOT enough to spell out a word; Your limerick or other poem must describe or otherwise directly relate to that word.
I’ll illustrate with an acrostic limerick, bolding the first letter of each line, for emphasis:
Acrostic Spice (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Sometimes people like food that is bland.
Perhaps some enjoy cooking that’s canned.
I, in case I can’t savor
Cuisine that lacks flavor,
Embellish the dishes, by hand.
UPDATE: June 10th is National Herbs And Spices Day and August 19 is Hot And Spicy Food Day.
Happy Mourn For Your Money Day! (June 10th) Okay, perhaps happy isn’t quite the right word for it.
Limerick Ode To Mourn For Your Money Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Oh, woe to the poor middle class!
Our money has vanished, alas.
Its value each day
Seems to shrink, as we pay
For the sins of the greedy top brass.
Happy National Running Day, celebrated yearly on the first Wednesday in June.
Limerick Ode To National Running Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My joints tend to creak when I walk.
My knees will lock up and then squawk.
I’ll keep shunning my running,
But watching is stunning!
So I hope you won’t mind if I gawk.
Happy National Cheese Day! (June 4th)
Cheesy Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man with a weakness for cheese
Ate some brie and then started to wheeze.
He refused to admit
‘Twas an allergy fit.
His autopsy-doc disagrees.
Note: There’s also a National Cheese Lover’s Day, which is celebrated on January 20th.
A limerick about going to sea, just in time for National Maritime Day:
A Seafarer Returns (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow returned from the sea
And was greeted by tears from mate Leigh.
“I missed you,” she moaned.
“I sure wish you had phoned,
Cuz your absence seemed fishy to me.”
UPDATE: June 25 is the Day of the Seafarer.
Tomorrow, June 19, is National Martini Day. I figured it was best to celebrate with a limerick … before starting on that martini:
Limerick Ode To National Martini Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The martini’s a drink for the tough,
Cuz that cocktail is strong, sometimes rough.
Most favor it gin-filled,
Which leaves me chagrin-filled.
Use tequila instead? Won’t rebuff!
The Astute Dad (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A dad who was very astute
Always yearned for good Father’s Day loot,
But for decades got ties
That were hard on the eyes.
He exchanged forty ties for a suit.
(Linked at Poetry Jam, which asks us to celebrate.)
One Father’s Day Limerick Too Many?
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A pregnant young woman named Kay
Was due to give birth the next day.
So it wasn’t sublime
When her spouse picked that time
To confess that he really was gay.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
