Posts Tagged ‘Jon Gearhart’
Saturday, March 4th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One shy hermit with friends on the Net,
Prefers people that he’s never met.
He’s hoping to get a
Nice girlfriend on Meta —
One that comes with a virtual pet.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the CLASS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
He’s an art student — also, an ass.
When he draws a nude model, alas,
He enhances her tits
And her lower-down bits.
He’s advanced to the head of the crass.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.
I make all my own outfits from scratch,
From odd remnants of which I’ve a batch.
Says one friend who’s elite,
“Plaids and stripes are both sweet,
But perhaps you could do with a match.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, Charles Simmons, Tim James, Linda Thompson, Vaughn Fritts, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Jon Gearhart, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bindy Bitterman, and Lisi Nortman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (NET-RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
The hooker was starting to sweat
At the task that she found she’d been set.
Though she said she could toot
On her customer’s flute,
His was more like a bass clarinet.
Terry Marter:
“You’ve won,” said this gal on the net.
“A two-for-one trip to Tibet.”
I sent her the dough
And packed ready to go.
But I haven’t heard back from her yet.
Charles Simmons:
He hit his last ball in the net
And lost the last point in the set.
He started to scream,
Just to let off some steam,
Then noticed his pants getting wet.
Tim James, for his “The State of the Union.”
The question, once Biden got set:
How insane would Republicans get?
Though opinions were varied,
Each Dem should have carried
Some tranqs and a butterfly net.
Linda Thompson:
In winter I wore for a bet
A flimsy pink dress made of net.
My nipples? They froze!
And so did my nose.
They haven’t thawed out, as of yet.
Tim James:
“Be my wingman,” he begged me. “Get set,
’Cause this bar has the hottest girls yet.
Look around. You’ll agree:
Lots of fish in the sea.
Be a pal; help me haul in the net.”
Vaughn Fritts:
A fisherman tossed in the towel
And yelled at the fish with a scowl.
“By hook or by net
You’re too hard to get!
Let this be your funeral cowl!”
Tim James:
He didn’t intend to beget
A child with the barmaid, Yvette.
Still, he’ll “do the right thing”
For his butt’s in a sling
As he faces her dad’s bayonet.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLASS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
“I once took some courses at Bard’s
And went for the darn whole nine yards.
In one music class
I heard Philip Glass
Wrecking music and leaving just shards.”
Dave Johnson:
When students are let out of class,
The beach is one big, teeming mass.
Spring breakers descend;
When will this ever end?
One way to describe it: morass.
Tim James:
A classless Floridian gov
Is competing for right-wingers’ love.
The nonsense he spews
Insults anyone who’s
Got an IQ of 12 or above.
Jean E McEwen:
Though decidedly born middle class,
Dee feels strongly compelled to surpass
Her peers in their standing
But, what a crash landing!
She’s hit a thick ceiling of glass.
Tony Holmes:
“To be born lower-class doesn’t mean
That you have to stay humble, old bean.
You may rise through the ranks,
Make a pile and own banks,
And become nouveau riche – and obscene.”
Vaughn Fritts:
The waitress thought he was an ass
And thoroughly lacking in class.
He picked up the tab
For lobster and crab
But tipped her in belches and gas.
Mike Moulton:
“Being woke,” says DeSantis, “is wrong.”
Being diff’rent means you don’t belong.
By ignoring the past
The future is cast,
So the weak can be crushed by the strong.
Dave Johnson:
The x-rated call-up was crass;
Auditioning actors with sass.
One fellow was sought
For the member he brought
And rose to the head of the class.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.)
Jean McEwen:
In the annals of studs, he’s elite,
For his cock measures nearly two feet!
His dong is so long,
It’s the subject of song
And a treat for all women in heat.
Terry Marter:
Here’s a long story short: We’re a match.
It’s our second time ’round (that’s the catch.)
But we’re over the glitch
And we still got the itch,
So tonight we’ll be starting from scratch.
Jon Gearhart:
The police in my town aren’t discrete.
Their rep is well-known on the street.
In their need to loom large,
(Elite/Pushy/In charge)
They make certain they don’t miss a beat.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
One walrus bull, still in his youth,
Was pushy and often uncouth.
He approached a young cow,
Barking, “Let’s do it NOW —
Before we get long in the tooth!”
Terry Marter:
She was rich; an elite — quite a catch.
For a lowly policeman, no match…
Or so one might think.
But he gave her a wink;
Now they’re married with kids (quite a batch.)
Bindy Bitterman:
The police here are known to be tough.
Arresting you’s just not enough.
You fight back and you’re pushy?
You’ll land on your tushy,
’Cause none of ’em take any guff!
Lisi Nortman, for her “Very Mean Mother.”
“How in hell will you find a good catch,
When all of your outfits don’t match?
Listen up, ‘old maid’ Ruth:
You are long in the tooth.
Get movin’ before your eggs hatch!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bindy Bitterman, Brian Allgar, Charles Simmons, Competition Limerick, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Thompson, Lisi Nortman, Mike Moulton, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Vaughn Fritts, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, January 7th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his funny two-verser:
A limerick writer was blue
’Cause the rhyme word was “blew,” and he knew
That his muse (nasty slut!)
Would produce only smut.
So he caved. What’s an artist to do?
The result:
A couple who drove through St. Lou
Got excited and tried something new.
They went into a roll
When he lost all control;
But it wasn’t a Goodyear that blew.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the RELIGION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“Commandments to get into heaven?”
Said Moses, “Let’s keep it to seven.”
But God said, “No way!
There are ten, and they’ll stay!
You’re lucky there aren’t eleven!”
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.
Eyes half-glazed, up I gazed at a soffit,
When some “crawly” (unnamed) fell right off it.
It dropped onto my iris,
An act undesirous,
From which none but my eye doc will profit.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Keone Morienga, Mark Totterdell, Gennadiy Gurariy, Gail White, Robert Schechter, Edmund Conti, Tim James, Fred Bortz, Steve Benko, Rudy Landesman, Ken Gosse, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BLUE or BLEW-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
Like a bat out of hell, my car flew,
Drifting hard ’round the bends; back-end slew.
Now I always must walk,
So I just talk the talk
Since the two-point-o-four that I blew!
Sharon Neeman:
Oh well, yes, I suppose it is true
That the sky and some flowers are blue,
But my mood’s bluer still
When I see (as I will)
That my tax refund hasn’t come through.
Lisi Nortman:
Dear Santa, I’ve been very kind,
Extremely polite and refined.
Gee, now I am blue
Cuz none of that’s true.
I’m tearing this up. Never Mind!
Terry Marter:
Inspiration has got a clogged vent;
My mojo’s behind with the rent;
My muse is so blue
She hasn’t a clue,
And I can’t coin a phrase, cos I’m spent.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
An untalented flute ingenue,
Good at humming, took up the kazoo.
Buzzed the flautists, “Atrocious!”
Purred Maestro, “Precocious.”
(The kazoo wasn’t all that she blew.)
Keone Morienga:
Are you overwhelmed, stressed out, and blue
’Cause you bit more off than you can chew?
H o O k E r S d R u G s M i N d L e S s s E x
f L e E F r O m H i T – A n D – R u N W r E c K s …
Just like that, you won’t feel so askew!
Mark Totterdell:
So I went as a Smurf to the do,
All dressed up with my skin tinted too,
But I must have, I think,
Used indelible ink,
And for weeks ever since I’ve been blue.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
The past tense of fly? Why it’s flew.
The past tense of blow? Surely blew.
So why did my teacher
(A hard-hearted creature)
Get mad when I said “the car slew?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RELIGION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Gail White:
Said Abraham, “Lord, could you fix
Just one problem before the Law sticks?
We’re devout to the core,
But are you really sure
We must all snip the ends off our dicks?”
Lisi Nortman:
There’s a new handy way to confess.
Go ahead; you’ll relieve all your stress.
You won’t have to wait.
And you’ll still make your date.
Get in line for the “Ten Sins Or Less.”
Sharon Neeman:
Dear Pastor, I know that you pray
For me hundreds of times every day.
Better save that entreaty:
I’m telling you, sweetie,
I plan to stay gay anyway.
Robert Schechter:
The Lord said to Abraham, “Go
And slaughter your son. Don’t be slow!”
Abe said, “Who am I
To refuse to comply?”
But his son said he should have said no.
Terry Marter:
Eve wandered through Eden, in song,
Looking hot in a fresh fig-leaf thong.
She soon was detected
By Homo Erected.
I ask: what, on Earth, could go wrong?
Edmund Conti:
Said Harry, “I’m decent and clean
And my prayers are all prayers that I mean.
I’m now eighty-seven.
I’ll soon be in Heaven.”
Said God, “That remains to be seen.”
Keone Morienga, who describes this as “Off-Label Use for Holy Anointing Oil”
When she paused to discuss a conjunction –
Sought to question an ampersand’s function –
I said, “Miss, please excuse,
But this rub down could use
Fewer ifs, ands, or buts and more unction.”
Tim James:
Do you know my friend Tom, the agnostic?
On the subject of faith he is caustic:
“Utter nonsense! What goof
Believes tales with no proof?”
That’s the story behind this acrostic.
Fred Bortz:
A dyslexic was left in the lurch
On the pulpit, where he had a perch.
He offered his prayers
To the great Dog upstairs
And soon was tossed out of the church.
Steve Benko says:
“Hey buddy, come join the crusade;
We’ll pillage and loot and get laid,”
Said the knight. And the Pope
Says “Don’t sit there and mope;
Get a move on! For conquest I’ve prayed!”
Rudy Landesman:
I went skiing last year up in Maine.
All week long it did nothing but rain.
If God is all good,
I don’t know how He could
Permit evil weather. Explain!
Gennadiy Gurariy:
I admit I can feel the flames lapping
When I start anapestic’ly rapping
With my lim’rickal horde,
Yet even the Lord
(When they’re funny) is secretly clapping.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.)
Ken Gosse:
Alas, silver has no perfect rhyme.
Rhyming profit with prophet’s a crime.
In Jove’s name, please don’t tease—
near-rhyme causes unease—
I get nauseous from rhyme that’s sub-prime.
Lisi Nortman:
We named our new baby girl Iris.
For this miracle, Sue was desirous.
In her fam-il-y way,
She was nauseous each day
A Miracle? Or just a virus?
Sharon Neeman:
That monster whose name rhymes with “frump”
Leaves me nauseous and needing a dump,
But his luck has begun
To run out — oh, what fun! —
And his profits will certainly slump.
Tim James:
Teased a comely young woman named Mae:
“Come and see me! I’ll cook, then we’ll play!
But my cooking may cause ya
A bad bout of nausea.”
We skipped straight to the nookie that day.
Jon Gearhart:
A Shakespearian line, some think keen,
I tease is much too widely seen.
“What’s in a NAME?”
That question is lame–
The answer’s MANE, AMEN and MEAN!
Tim James:
A woman named Jenny, he’s found,
Has a body and face that astound.
She’s a bit of a tease,
But she’s willing to please.
Silver baubles will bring her around.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Secret Santa is always the same,”
Groused The Grinch. “What a profitless game.”
He dug into his hat,
And sighed, “So much for that.”
Once again he had drawn his own name.
Tim James:
They say profits and wealth are a lie;
Silver loses its shine, by and by.
The possession of treasure
Will bring you no pleasure.
(I’m willing to give it a try.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A loner, named Ranger, prized tasks
That were mindless — like washing his masks.
If his doorbell should chime,
He’d tell Tonto, “Say I’m
Cleaning silver, if anyone asks.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Edmund Conti, Fred Bortz, Gail White, Gennadiy Gurariy, Jon Gearhart, Ken Gosse, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (504)
Saturday, March 5th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
My girlfriend prepared me a treat,
Which I tried… and I just couldn’t eat.
But what could I say,
With her watching that way?
“Ummm, this borscht simply cannot be beet!”
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special EDUCATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A geometry teacher named Brent
Liked to frolic outdoors, so he went
To a place he could play
At the seashore all day.
He returned from the beach a tan gent.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Brian Allgar:
With no brother to help him to cheat,
Jeb admits that he’s finally beat.
And his web site? He blew it,
Forgot to renew it –-
“I bought it!” jeers Trump in a tweet.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Jesse Levy, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jon Gearhart, Allen Wilcox, RJ Clarken, Ian Graham, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BEAT/BEET” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO EDUCATION LIMERICKS)
Tim James:
The philosophy class had him beat.
“I don’t like abstract concepts!” he’d bleat.
“I Kant grasp them at all!”
He then punched a brick wall.
That abstraction’s now much more concrete.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BEAT/BEET” RHYME DIVISION)
Jesse Levy:
The new “superfood” is the beet.
I’ve heard that’s the word on the street.
The ads make it seem
As if beets are a dream.
Well, at least they do not contain wheat.
Brian Allgar, for his Harper Lee limerick:
With one novel, she joined the elite,
Won a Pulitzer (that’s quite a feat)
While Ginsberg and Burroughs
Were ploughing their furrows —
Though, of course, she’s not read as a beat.
Dave Johnson:
I remember when flying was neat;
An adventure that couldn’t be beat.
But if airlines today
Could have it their way,
They’d charge you to lower your seat.
Jon Gearhart:
I enjoy having veggies to eat,
But sometimes I just want some meat.
By replacing the beta
Vulgaris, I made a
Beef borscht and did not miss one beet.
Allen Wilcox:
When Windows won’t work and you’re beat,
And you think you are facing defeat,
Do NOT lose your cool.
Remember the rule:
When in doubt, press Control-Alt-Delete.
Rj Clarken:
The bird was a little offbeat:
Not the norm for a wee parakeet.
He would peck like a lord
On his tiny keyboard
As he’d Facebook and IM and tweet.
Ian Graham:
Thrash wheat if it’s bread you would eat.
Flail rice for a granular treat.
Is smoothness your dream?
Then try whipping cream.
But for sweetness you cannot beat beet.
Dave Johnson:
He saw her – his heart skipped a beat;
Then awkwardly shuffled his feet.
How amazing that he
Could possibly be
Running into a star on the street!
It was just a few seconds or so
That he felt that celebrity glow.
Their eyes barely met,
But he’ll never forget
The moment Adele said “Hello.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (EDUCATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
“Gee, these Texas school textbooks are great!
Let’s use them in every state!
Now, ev’ryone: look
In your Chemistry book
At Leviticus 12, 5 through 8…”
Tim James:
She thinks studying’s hard, so instead
She lures each of her profs into bed
Where she actively crams
For her oral exams:
She’s advanced to the class of the head.
Dave Johnson:
A lively young teacher named Cass
Was showing her dance moves with sass.
But while she was twerking,
Some smart phones were lurking;
A gift for the boys in the class.
Byron Ives:
In bio lab, Gloria Schwerner
Oft tooted, which didn’t concern ’er
But after a flash
Turned her lab coat to ash,
She pointed away from the burner.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Dave Johnson, Ian Graham, Jesse Levy, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, RJ Clarken, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Sunday, December 27th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The Mayor Rob Ford wasn’t wise
Getting filmed smoking crack. His demise
Was assured when he tried
To deny he had lied,
So now he’s the Ford of the Lies.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
When AutoCorrect makes you groan,
Remember that this year alone
More than two thousand dupes
Sold their souls (or their “soups”)
To SANTA, because of their phone.
Congratulations to JUDITH H. BLOCK, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
With a smile on his deathbed, here lies
A guy who had stars in his eyes.
The sex, off the chart,
Was too much for his heart.
It was an ecstatic demise.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order): Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Sue Dulley, Allen Wilcox, Will T. Laughlin, Jim Sullivan, RJ Clarken, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Dave Johnson, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LIES” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO HOLIDAY LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
From the rooftop, old Santa relies
On a chimney to bring his surprise,
But this year, he got stuck,
And they heard him yell “Fuck!
I have eaten too many mince pies!”
Fred Bortz, who notes that his limerick is based on a true story: “Our daughter entered the world on the 366th day of a leap year, about 10 days early.”
A tax refund lights up our eyes;
The onset of labor belies
The o.b.’s prediction.
His date was a fiction.
Our New Year’s Eve baby’s a prize!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LIES” RHYME DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
“All these words that I utter are lies,”
Quips the prankster, “so you would be wise
To refuse to believe
That I always deceive.”
Meanwhile, logic just curls up and dies.
Allen Wilcox:
He has made quite a fetish of ties
On which his dear mistress relies.
He wears them so long
That they tickle his dong
And create a great increase in sighs.
Will T. Laughlin:
The fury; the venom; the lies;
The call for the Others’ demise;
The tribalist hate –
Say, was this a debate,
Or rehearsal for “Lord of the Flies?”
Jim Sullivan:
Some day they’ll be saying, “Here lies . . .”
When they’ve closed up my mouth and my eyes.
My family will sigh. It
Will be very quiet
When I leap up and yell out, “Surprise!”
Rj Clarken:
The media often supplies
News bites they sensationalize,
With candidates who
Hope their viewers will view
The world through their very skewed eyes.
So we often compartmentalize,
Disassociate or else disguise
The fact we can’t face,
Look away or erase
What we’d normally diss otherwise.
Suzanne Heymann:
If you can see through someone’s guise
Just by looking right into their eyes,
You’ll know if they’re ruthless
Mendacious or truthless;
Your real eyes realize real lies.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (HOLIDAY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Down the chimney I saw Santa go
To a brothel; how couldn’t he know?
At the bottom were three
Lovely ladies, so he
Put new spin on the phrase “Ho ho ho.”
Dave Johnson:
The holiday season is here
With greetings and lots of good cheer.
Our spirits will lift
Since we get to re-gift
That crap from the previous year.
David Reddekopp:
It’s realized – Santa’s worst fear;
The reindeer are striking this year.
Fatigue was a factor,
So he bought a tractor,
For nothing can run like a Deere.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Jim Sullivan, Jon Gearhart, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, RJ Clarken, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (242)
Saturday, December 12th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to RAPHAEL HARRIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse:
There once was a gibbon named Flake,
Whose chimpanzee wife baked a cake.
He grabbed a big hunk.
His wife said, “You skunk,
Our marriage is all gibbon take.”
Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Sue Dulley:
The unit of snow is the ‘flake’
With six points; otherwise it’s a fake.
“No two are the same,”
Is the weatherman’s claim.
But who looks at them all, for Pete’s sake?
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Daisy Mae Simon, Brian Allgar, Jesse Frankovich, Ira Bloom, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jon Gearhart, Dave Johnson, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
The paint on the ceiling would flake
When she screamed. Then her body would quake,
With her toes curling tight.
It capped off quite a night.
You know what? I don’t *care* if it’s fake.
Daisy Mae Simon:
Our neighbor is nice, but a flake.
Each December she makes us fruitcake.
We smile. (She means well.)
We re-gift it (Don’t tell!)
To a GOP-Tea Party snake.
Brian Allgar:
It was snowing, huge flake after flake,
And my windscreen was growing opaque.
She was giving good head,
But she bit me instead
When I hit the emergency brake.
Jesse Frankovich’s Acrostic Limerick:
Four meanings I’ll offer for flake:
Loose, small piece that from something may break;
A unit of snow;
Kooky fruitcake you know;
Early tool that from stone one can make.
Ira Bloom:
A grey goose, a bit of a flake,
Humped a duck in the dark, by mistake.
“I don’t want to pander,
You stupid old gander,”
The duck said. “Besides, I’m a drake.”
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
She discovered her necklace was fake
When the gold on it started to flake.
The fur was not real,
Her ring, stainless steel,
But her spouse was a genuine snake.
Jon Gearhart:
Now Bob is a bit of a flake.
Goes to sea in a rowboat (a caique).
O’er the side he goes golfin’
Hits eggs at the dolphin
Who’re caught in his fin eggin’ wake.
Dave Johnson
Aunt Martha will quite often bake
Some brownies or maybe a cake.
With her Saturday stop
At the cannabis shop,
There’s magic in every flake.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Seems a break ain’t the same as a brake,
And a sheikh ain’t the same as a shake,
And a stake ain’t the same
As a steak—what a shame!—
But a flake is a flake is a flake.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Mae Simon, Dave Johnson, Ira Bloom, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jesse Frankovich, Jon Gearhart, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Raphael Harris, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Saturday, November 14th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Your mama’s the sexual type.
She likes to go hunting for SNIPE
And she thinks SNIPE is PENIS.
(SEX DAILY between us
Is more than DYSLEXIA hype!)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Robert Schechter, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
Every day she would snivel and snipe:
“Must you smoke that unspeakable tripe?”
So he smoked the old bag,
Got a new tin of shag,
And contentedly puffed on his pipe.
Tim James:
I’m so jealous I can’t even snipe.
His gal Friday, according to hype,
With her hands, mouth, and *that*
Laid the fellow out flat;
With her toes she’d concurrently type.
David Reddekopp:
Amazed at the size of my pipe,
My girlfriend would snicker and snipe:
“Now that you have revealed it
I ask, can you wield it?
Let’s hope it lives up to the hype.”
Robert Schechter:
The Donald is nothing but hype,
A blowhard. We all know the type.
He boasts and he struts
But he’s simply a putz
Who has mastered the Art of the Snipe.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Though I swear I do not mean to snipe,
There are rules for those times that we Skype.
No one wants to see ass
In the bathroom — it’s crass—
And, for God’s sake, don’t stand there and wipe!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, David Reddekopp, Jon Gearhart, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 6 Comments »
Saturday, September 12th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
For golfers who’ve struggled in vain
I’ve decided to finally explain
My special golf diet.
I know once they try it
That par snips on greens they’ll retain.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Kathy El-Assal, Les a/k/a Colonialist, Bob Dvorak, Tim James, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kirk Miller:
There once was a woman named Jane,
Who from heroin couldn’t refrain.
She attempted to quit,
But then had to admit
That her efforts were, sadly, in vein.
Kathy El-Assal:
’Twas apparent she wasn’t Mark Twain.
Her attempts to get laughs were in vain.
So she wrote a French thriller
With taxi cab killer
Who drives all his victims in Seine.
Les a/k/a Colonialist:
In vain he consulted the vane
In seeking a windfall to gain;
But how winds will blow,
One never can know,
So, done in that vein, it’s a pain.
Bob Dvorak:
I’ve struggled at length, but in vain:
Is the Donald an ass, or insane?
But what media sells
Ain’t his open-mouthed yells,
But the size of his overdone mane.
Tim James:
Henry Higgins enunciates “rain”
Then he goes on and on in that vein.
His repeated refrain
On the weather in Spain
In the main gives me pain. Is that plain?
Will T. Laughlin:
We get high in a church, me ‘n’ Jane,
And they catch us. We try to explain:
“We’re just trippin’ on Jesus!”
They still come and seize us,
For “taking the Lord’s name in vein.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Colonialist, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, July 19th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
“The whole gold-digging life’s a hard sell,
But for me it works out pretty well.
Some don’t like ‘old guy love,’
But when push comes to shove
And I bid them farewell, I fair well!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Stephen Fleming, Brian Allgar, Allen Wilcox, Johanna Richmond, and Pedro Poitevin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Dave Johnson:
A phone with a really hard shell
When dropped, may not do very well.
Perhaps they could place
It inside a foam case;
The market could use a soft cell.
Fred Bortz:
By the seashore, her shells surely sell,
And her business is doing so well
That her Yiddische Mama
Declares with much drama
“Oy, Shirley, you’re making me kvell!”
Stephen B. Fleming:
The Donald believes he can sell
Himself as the Chief — “Do Pray Tell.”
But his immigrant smear
Caused a corp’rate Bronx cheer.
So to much of his fortune, “Farewell.”
Brian Allgar:
Dubya reckoned the deal would be swell,
Even though it meant going to hell,
But the Devil just laughed;
“Buy your soul? Don’t be daft–
You don’t even have one to sell.”
Allen Wilcox:
As he passed through the hot gates of Hell,
The sounds within started to swell.
The pain in his ears
Nearly drove him to tears
From the ringing that came from each cell.
Johanna Richmond:
How I MISS life before Mr. Cell
And his wife, Mrs. Cell, came to dwell
In our home — when our link
Involved warm flesh and kink
And our texting thumbs boldly wore gel.
Pedro Poitevin:
Through a tunnel he dug in his cell,
El Chapo descended to hell
And offered the devil
A lower mid-level
Position within his cartel.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Johanna Richmond, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Pedro Poitevin, Stephen Fleming, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, June 27th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Astronomers once had the gall
To proclaim, “The world’s round, like a ball.”
But soon findings empirical
Proved it non-spherical;
Slightly deflating them all.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Dave Johnson, Jon Gearhart, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Fred Bortz:
The cannibals started a brawl
Over who got what portion of Paul.
They battled for dibs
On the meatiest ribs,
While the chieftain was having a ball.
Kirk Miller:
When making some holes rather small,
A leather punch started to bawl.
“We’re stuck in this job,”
It said with a sob,
“And that is the fate of us awl.”
Brian Allgar:
She was wearing a costly mink shawl,
And the bimbo explained to them all:
“It’s a gift from a guy
Who just wanted to cry,
Cuz he said to me, “Baby, let’s bawl.”
Will T. Laughlin:
Oh, please don’t disturb Doctor Hall.
Cutting gonads in slices so small
May yet give the answer
To testicle cancer,
And right now, he’s halving a ball.
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
When Sally slipped down in a fall
She really had reason to bawl.
But balling for Sally
Is right up her alley
For Sally has no shame at all.
Dave Johnson:
Scalia and Thomas will bawl
“This week has been no fun at all.
Our cadre of five
Did no longer strive
To answer the G.O.P.’s call.”
Jon Gearhart:
Found her name in a men’s bathroom stall
And decided I’d give her a call,
But I feel quite misled
By these words that I read:
“Call Caitlyn and you’ll have a ball!”
Allen Wilcox:
A WEEK OF BALLS, WITH REFRAIN
We’re having a civil rights ball.
The Confederate flag has to fall.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?
And then? – the Obamacare ball
With Roberts explaining it all.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?
And then? – well, the gay marriage ball
With Kennedy telling it all.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Saturday, June 20th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
On Craig’s List, Chris posted his lust
For a tryst with a lass to be trussed.
Alas, though: Chris missed
His delicious truss tryst.
He was tied up at work. How unjust!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Jon Gearhart, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Kaye Roberts, Phil Graham, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
She withdrew from the Savings & Trust
All her cash. It’s not much; now she must
Choose ’twixt breast augmentation
And West Coast vacation.
The choice: California or bust.
Robert Schechter:
The essence of love is to trust.
So trust me. I’m able to thrust
Without letting go.
Believe me! . . . Uh oh . . .
Remember that son we discussed?
Brian Allgar:
He stuffed her with thrust after thrust
Like a man half-demented with lust,
Then he bound her with string,
Legs and breast, everything,
Till the Thanksgiving turkey was trussed.
Jon Gearhart:
As I cussed and discussed in disgust
My mistrust with my siblings, we fussed
How the lawyer had still
Not found part of Dad’s will.
My disgust rose from my misplaced trust.
Fred Bortz:
Chez Marquis de Sade is a must
To couple with parry and thrust.
There maidens will tryst
While bound at the wrist,
As long as you’re someone they trussed.
Lisi Nortman:
A marriage is based upon trust,
But if driven by wild carnal lust,
You’ll probably cheat.
So be very discreet.
Don’t come home with your hairdo all mussed.
Kaye Roberts:
Ev’ry man she’d encountered with lust
Had betrayed her, demolished her trust.
So she found a belle chère
And began lez affaire
And left all les hommes in the dust.
Phil Graham:
A ski racer you couldn’t trust
Would consume pork and beans ’fore he shussed.
And to go a bit faster
He’d use his ass blaster
And gain MPH from each gust.
Allen Wilcox:
He was proud that they showed him the trust
To move “David” to clean off the dust.
It fell and it shattered.
He cried, bruised and battered,
“I can only say ‘This was a bust’.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Kaye Roberts, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Phil Graham, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, May 2nd, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
His face was beginning to slide;
Transformation could not be denied.
As each blotch and each freckle
Appeared, Dr Jekyll
Had nowhere to turn but to Hyde.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Jon Gearhart, Will T. Laughlin and Judith H. Block. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Colleen Murphy:
My favorite waterpark ride
Is where folks are propelled down a slide.
It tickles my heart
To see man and suit part,
Then scramble to cover his hide.
Sue Dulley:
As a student of Pure and Applied
Mathematics, I had to decide
Which of these two would Rule
While I stayed at that school –
I regret that I let them both Slide.
Brian Allgar:
Our host showed us slide after slide
Of the day that he married his bride,
Till a bang and a spark
Put us all in the dark —
Thank the Lord, his projector was fried.
Jon Gearhart:
My last girlfriend was music’ly tied
To a brass group, and when she applied
Her whole mouthpiece just right,
She could trombone all night
Making use of each inch of your slide!
All her musical talents aside
She was s’posed to become my young bride.
But alack and alas
Such a fine piece of brass
Always keeps other mates on the slide.
Will T. Laughlin:
A coy Early Music fan sighed
For a man with a very long slide.
“Oh please,” cried the miss,
“Won’t you give us a gliss?”
“My sackbut’s Baroque,” he replied.
Judith H. Block, who also illustrates her limerick:
He stared at the Waterworld slide:
“This is something I’d never abide,
Unless smoking some herbal,
For I am a gerbil!
On dry land is where we reside.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, February 7th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A race home between tortoise and hare
Is essentially not very fair.
Though the hare is quite quick,
It’s a shell game. That prick,
The tortoise, is already there!
Congratulations to JONATHAN JENSEN, on winning the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick:
When I look at the gray in my hair,
I never give way to despair.
Though I long for a ’do
With a more youthful hue,
I’m mostly just glad it’s still there.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Lisi Ardissone, Konrad Schwoerke, Byron Ives, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Val Fish, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
For the fancy-dress ride, what to wear?
Her husband said “Go as a bear.”
But Godiva misheard,
So she mounted and spurred
And rode forth wearing only her hair.
Colleen Murphy:
Said the hunter, “I won fair and square
And with no double-counting, I swear.
It is not a mistake.
When they tallied my take,
They told me I’d won by a hare.”
Lisi Ardissone:
I altered the shade of my hair
To give it a little more flair.
When my husband came home,
He said, “Oh, Marone!
Are you planning to have an affair?”
Konrad Schwoerke:
A new ’do? Why the hell would I care
What you do to your own freakin’ hair?
Though I do wish you’d learn
That my only concern
Is it’s not an obstruction down there.
Byron Ives:
She sported long, sexy, blonde hair
And worked at the fresh produce fair.
I reckoned her peaches
Were out of my reaches,
But jeepers, she had a nice pear!
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
With a toss of her silvery hair,
She said to him: “Now then, mon cher;
While we wait for your phallus
To go and Cialis,
There’s much you can do below there.”
Val Fish:
Last night, I shaved off all my hair.
No, not on my head, but ‘down there.’
When faced with the sight,
My hubby took flight.
My bald patch was too bare to bear.
Allen Wilcox:
The fruit vendor’s wife was a bear:
“Shape up and get out of my hair.”
He took it in stride,
Although, puzzled, he sighed,
“But why did she say ‘get a pear?’”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Jon Gearhart, Jonathan Jensen, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Ardissone, Val Fish, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 8 Comments »
Saturday, January 31st, 2015
It’s time to announce the TWO-HUNDREDTH Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to PATRICE STEWART A/K/A PATRICE OF THE MANYCATS, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The crew was refusing to clap
For the actors and muttered, “What crap.
We feel sick – lunch was bad!
We’re not sure what we had.”
And were told, with disgust, “It’s a wrap.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Tim James, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose.
Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Scott Crowder:
A gal heard a thunderous clap
And felt something warm in her lap.
She’d found, so it seems,
The man of her dreams,
But sadly, awoke from her nap.
Colleen Murphy:
I really had wanted to clap
When the speaker stopped moving her yap,
But her speech was so boring
I guess I was snoring.
She’d lectured me into a nap.
Jon Gearhart:
Sherlock Holmes was inspecting the gap
Twixt the legs of yo mama when, “Snap!”
Her legs clamped around him.
That’s where Watson found him;
He died in “The Case of the Clap.”
Brian Allgar:
“How on earth did I pick up the clap?”
She beseeched a young medical chap.
“If you really don’t know,”
He said, “Well, let me show
You this human anatomy map.”
Fred Bortz:
Said Ludwig, “Four notes make a clap
Of thunderous fate that will wrap
Your soul in a tower
Of musical power.”
Said his musical rival, “What crap!”
Tim James:
A paradigm shift’s when you scrap
All your old preconceptions as crap.
With Mad’s new rhymes appearing,
It’s akin to my hearing
Rice Krispies go pock, snapple, clap.
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
It’s considered uncultured to clap
At the symphony during a gap.
When the fiddlers pause
Just hold your applause
And don’t wake me up from my nap.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Patrice Stewart, Scott Crowder, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Saturday, January 24th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ALLEN WILCOX, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A fellow was trying to pass
A lass who was swinging her ass
Side to side (super-sized).
He was quite hipnotized,
And his privates went public en masse.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, Scott Crowder, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jon Gearhart:
For my birthday, my son bought a pass
To go fishing. They stock them en masse.
They’ll replaice what you like.
We caught walleye, carp, pike,
But they cut us off, right at the bass.
Colleen Murphy:
A student who struggled to pass
Had trouble with volume and mass.
“Fill it in, fill it up?
Is it pounds or a cup?
I’m too dense for this matter, alas.”
Scott Crowder:
A man made an unfruitful pass
At a gal in his calculus class.
And now he knows why
When you’re solving for pie,
You don’t want to mention her mass.
Jon Gearhart:
When a quarterback drops back to pass,
The refs need a spy on his ass
To make sure that his balls
Are the right size. If all’s
Not the same, they’ve been letting off gas!
Konrad Schwoerke:
A fellow who made a lewd pass
Has confirmed for his wife he’s an ass
And a two-timing prick,
So she severs his dick–
Now it lies, like a snake, in the grass.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Sunday, January 18th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A man fell in love with a tart
@ lonely dot com backslash heart.
He craved her affection,
Yet used no protection,
And now his computer won’t start.
Congratulations to Allen Wilcox on winning the Limerick Saga Award for his clever 3-verser:
A man fell in love with a tart
Who thought that tattooing was art.
He, being quite daft,
Let her practice her craft
And proceed on his most private part.
As you might well imagine, the tart
Needed firmness before she could start.
So she used an injection
For proper erection
And pain pills brought in by the cart.
Her masterpiece finished, the tart
Explained that her tatting might smart,
And whenever he “sinned,”
He would always break wind,
Which made it a true work of fart.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ron B., Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
The waitress had brought him a tart,
But Count Dracula fancied her heart.
So although at this venue
Blood’s not on the menu,
He just served himself à la carte.
Ron B.:
A fellow had picked up a tart
– At least so he thought at the start –
Until gasping for air
He announced with despair,
“’Twas a quiche with an art…uh…choke heart.”
Jon Gearhart:
Are philosophers’ words sweet or tart?
“I think so I am,” said Descartes.
Berkeley said, “If I am,
So is God.” “Life’s a sham.
Yes, it is. No it’s not.”– Jean-Paul Sartre.
Colleen Murphy:
If ever you’re dating a tart,
Precaution with sex would be smart.
You don’t know where she’s been.
To ignore’d be akin
To battling a gun with a dart.
Fred Bortz:
Marge Simpson was baking a tart
For Homer and Lisa and Bart.
She cried out, “Oh, no!
I’ve no yeast for the d’oh.”
But at least it gave Pesach a start.
Ron B.
Men madly will fall for a tart
Who, shallow of mind and of heart,
Will claim her vows taken
Have long been forsaken
By death never doing its part.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Ron B., Scott Crowder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, January 10th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Ron B., who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Now as moss, I was “boss,” but as peat
I’m just rotting away in the heat
Till I’m bagged to be spread
On a vegetable bed
And be treated like dirt by a beet.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Diane Groothuis, Jon Gearhart, Ron B., Marty McCullen, Kirk Miller, John Peter Larkin, Brian Allgar, and Allen Wilcox.
Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
A fellow who loved to compete
Took a teacher to bed, quite a feat.
He was drunk. ’Twas unwise,
For he couldn’t arise.
So she graded his work “Incomplete.”
Diane Groothuis:
A gardener needed some peat,
So he went to a house down the street,
Asked a housewife in red
“Can I get in your bed?”
She replied, “You can leave tout de suite.”
Jon Gearhart:
At long last, she was set to compete
With her flower beds fin’ly complete.
All top ribbons she’d take.
When asked, “How, for Pete’s sake?”
She replied it’s cuz SHE forsakes peat!
Ron B.:
A fellow who loved to compete
In races he couldn’t complete
Just entered to stare
At each cute derriere
He gladly chose not to defeat.
Marty McCullen:
A gardener needed some peat
From property just down the street,
So he set about tasking
Without even asking.
He’s now in a small jailhouse suite.
Kirk Miller:
Manufacturers always compete
At a watch-making industry meet.
It should not be a shock
That they all watch the clock.
It’s a race against Timex, quite neat.
John Peter Larkin:
Don’t laugh, but I plan to compete
in your upcoming track and field meet.
I know I’ll prevail.
No way I can fail,
’Cause there’s no one as good as a cheat.
Brian Allgar:
The hooker refused to compete
In the beef-eating contest’s last heat.
She explained “It was fun
For a while, but I’m done —
I’ve had more than enough of jerked meat.”
Allen Wilcox:
Lim’rick contests tempt all to compete.
The meter has rules you must meet.
If you don’t take the time
To make sure that you rhyme,
Mad will throw you right out on the street.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, John Peter Larkin, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty McCullen, Ron B., Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, January 3rd, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
There’s a cop with a dog that is mine
At my door, which could be a bad sign.
“By the roadside,” he said,
“Dog gave birth.” Why my dread?
I’ll be getting a littering fine.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, Sue Dulley, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Allen Wilcox, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jon Gearhart:
This new hot, kinky girlfriend of mine
Has a fetish for feet, which is fine.
She likes squatting on toes,
And you’re right to suppose
That for her I’ll be toeing the line.
Colleen Murphy:
A well-to-do uncle of mine
Still active at aged ninety-nine
Finds women adore him;
For dates they implore him,
Allured by his big dollar sign.
Sue Dulley:
The depths of my psyche I’ll mine;
I’ll even resort to red wine
To dredge up a verse,
Be it florid or terse,
With an actual rhyme in each line.
Jon Gearhart:
If I had a big diamond mine,
I’d make your life truly divine.
If our love life went daft,
I’d get stuck with the shaft,
But my rocks would remain wholly thine.
Byron Miller:
“My diction’s just fine, in the mine,”
Thought Eliza, repeating her line:
“Dr. Iggins’ all weht,
And I’ll mike you a beht
That it doh even rine up in Spine.”
Allen Wilcox:
“I play football. My future is mine.
My knowledge of logic is fine.
I now will give voice
To my difficult choice;
I’ll either resign or re-sign.”
Tim James:
At times, sweet indulgence is mine;
With a French gal I get to entwine.
It’s always a pleasure,
No matter the measure.
(In metric, it’s still sixty-nine.)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Byron Miller, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, December 27th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BYRON IVES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A panda, with gun, chowed down peas
From a waitress, then shot at her knees,
Gnashed a bug in his fur,
Then left in a blur.
In essence, he eats, shoots, and fleas?
Congratulations to Mark Kane and Byron Ives, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Mark Kane:
Hot, spicy, wasabi-dried peas
With some cold icy sake might ease
My fair, fussy spouse
To unbutton her blouse,
And let me proceed as I please.
Byron Ives:
So you think hot, wasabi-dried peas
Will get you in good with your squeeze?
A PajamaGram, dude,
Will set the right mood.
Add good scotch and enjoy the striptease!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Kathy El-Assal, Carolyn Henly, Ron B., Steve Whitred, Tim James, and Jon Gearhart, Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Colleen Murphy:
The hiker had tried to appease
A ravenous tiger with cheese,
But the tiger said, “No.
I’d much rather go
With the man and his hand if you please.”
Kathy El-Assal:
“NRA types are hard to appease,”
Said a pacifist sending out pleas.
Trading humor for guns,
He resorted to puns:
“Your aim should be shooting the breeze!”
Carolyn Henly:
An old printer ran short on his p’s,
But the fruit man he wanted to please.
So he turned all aroun’
And then flipped upside down
And spelled “apple” by using two d’s.
Ron B.:
A mom told her kids, “Eat your peas.
Don’t let them roll down on your knees.
Don’t mash them to mush,
Don’t slash them to slush,
And swallow them first, if you sneeze!”
Steve Whitred:
To my daughters I said “Eat your peas,
Use your manners; say thank you and please.
Always pull your own weight,
And when out on a date
Clasp a quarter real tight with your knees.”
Tim James:
With soft words I will try to appease
My drunk gun-totin’ neighbor, ’cause he’s
Seeing Martians advance
As pink elephants dance.
He’s outside right now, shooting the breeze.
Jon Gearhart:
When Santa sets forth to appease
The kids of the world with gifts, he’s
Said to fly in his sleigh
For the length of a day
And give good kids all gifts with great ease.
I think that the reason that he’s
Been able to do this with ease
Is that most kids are naughty
With mouths spouting potty;
Thus, no gifts delivered to these!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Byron Ives, Carolyn Henly, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mark Kane, Ron B., Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Sunday, December 14th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Brian Allgar, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The hooker was playing her grand
While caressing her customer’s gland.
When he asked “How d’you do it?”
She said “Nothing to it —
It’s a piece by Ravel for Left Hand.”
Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Byron Ives, C. Adams, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Richard Diakun, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, Ron B., and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Byron Ives:
He told her he’d charge just a grand
For a castle, built just as she planned.
She scowled, “You’re a leech,
Get off of this beach!
Take your bucket and cups and pound sand!”
C. Adams:
A woman had hopes that were grand.
Get rich, that is what she had planned.
She became a celeb,
From some pics on the web.
I must stop now. Can’t type with one hand.
Fred Bortz:
To Creationists, mankind is grand.
At life’s pinnacle, that’s where we stand.
But I say if it’s true
We’re the best God can do
Then the deity needs to re-brand.
Robert Schechter:
There’s just one piano, the grand,
Upon which I’d deign lay a hand.
Don’t think for a minute
I’d play a damn spinet.
Such keyboards are banned from my band.
Richard Diakun:
I owed my old bookie nine grand
The games didn’t go as I planned
Now, Tony wants bank
Or his boys break my crank–
It’s useless since they broke my hand!
Will T. Laughlin, for his acrostic limerick:
“We the Jury (not trial, but Grand)
Have decided to NOT reprimand.
In fact, you might say
That we functioned today
Exactly the way we were planned.”
Colleen Murphy:
He claimed the ring cost him a grand.
“The finest in all of the land.”
But I felt some distrust
When is started to rust
And it left a green mark on my hand.
Ron B., for his “No Grander Philanderer:”
A man whose delusions were grand
expected that just as he planned
his wife and his lover
would gladly discover
that neither could meet his demand.
Konrad Schwoerke:
“For your hit, I was paid fifty grand.
Do you want to know what I’ve got planned?”
“No, oblivion’s best;
I don’t want to be stressed.”
So I buried his head in the sand.
And congratulations to Jon Gearhart and Jonathan Jensen, who jointly win a special Political Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Jon Gearhart:
Aren’t those bendy contortionists grand?
I’ve seen one that for 6 years can stand
With one foot in his mouth,
His head stuffed up down south,
Still golfing and leading our land!
Jonathan Jensen:
Oh, political potshots are grand,
But your mindset I don’t understand.
It’s not “44”
Who took us to war
And laid waste to a far distant land.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, C. Adams, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Jonathan Jensen, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Richard Diakun, Robert Schechter, Ron B., Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Saturday, November 22nd, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The Republicans now see the light!
Executive orders aren’t right!
Yet when I remind them
That Ron Reagan signed them,
They answer, “But Reagan was white!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Colleen Murphy, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Robert Basler, Jon Gearhart, Konrad Schwoerke, and Fred Bortz, for his four-verse science saga. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
A criminal pun came to light
When a bedbug decided one night
To hold a church wedding
Right there in the bedding:
An example of mite making rite.
Colleen Murphy:
“The trouble with traveling light
Is I won’t know which outfit is right,”
Said my daughter while packing.
No clothes was she lacking,
As she filled up two bags for one night.
Brian Allgar:
Though his needs for nutrition were light,
The vampire felt peckish that night,
And invited a maid
Who had foolishly strayed:
“My dear, do you fancy a bite?”
Robert Schechter:
My girlfriend is so impolite!
In the course of one glorious night
Of unbridled ardor,
She said, “Were it harder,
Perhaps you’d be doing it right.”
Robert Basler:
A music motif that is leit
Is a common Wagnerian sight.
It’s a theme that’s recurring
In opera, all during–
If you miss it, you can’t be too bright.
Jon Gearhart:
A damp cellar can make the heart light
As an entymological site
For a group that elects
To study in sects
With their peers, a combined show of mite.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Our waitress is such a delight,
But the diners are sometimes a fright.
One tried copping a feel;
Now he’s wearing his meal,
So we think she has served the guy right.
Fred Bortz:
Though Planck’s math used quanta of light,
He still did not think that was right.
Young showed light behaves
Exactly like waves.
Then Maxwell’s math made that case tight.
Herr Einstein, of course, saw the light:
In photoelectrics, you might
Need only one quantum
(Or more if you want ’em)
To eject an electron. That’s right!
Then deBroglie declared that if light
Is both wavelike and grainy, you might
Find electrons the same,
And when Schrödinger came,
We saw Quantum Mechanics take flight.
Though limericks make this tale light,
The science behind it is quite
A profound undertaking
And foundation-shaking.
That’s why we call physicists bright.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
