Posts Tagged ‘John Peter Larkin’

Limerick of the Week (197)

Saturday, January 10th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Ron B., who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Now as moss, I was “boss,” but as peat
I’m just rotting away in the heat
Till I’m bagged to be spread
On a vegetable bed
And be treated like dirt by a beet.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Diane Groothuis, Jon Gearhart, Ron B., Marty McCullen, Kirk Miller, John Peter Larkin, Brian Allgar, and Allen Wilcox.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A fellow who loved to compete
Took a teacher to bed, quite a feat.
He was drunk. ’Twas unwise,
For he couldn’t arise.
So she graded his work “Incomplete.”

Diane Groothuis:

A gardener needed some peat,
So he went to a house down the street,
Asked a housewife in red
“Can I get in your bed?”
She replied, “You can leave tout de suite.”

Jon Gearhart:

At long last, she was set to compete
With her flower beds fin’ly complete.
All top ribbons she’d take.
When asked, “How, for Pete’s sake?”
She replied it’s cuz SHE forsakes peat!

Ron B.:

A fellow who loved to compete
In races he couldn’t complete
Just entered to stare
At each cute derriere
He gladly chose not to defeat.

Marty McCullen:

A gardener needed some peat
From property just down the street,
So he set about tasking
Without even asking.
He’s now in a small jailhouse suite.

Kirk Miller:

Manufacturers always compete
At a watch-making industry meet.
It should not be a shock
That they all watch the clock.
It’s a race against Timex, quite neat.

John Peter Larkin:

Don’t laugh, but I plan to compete
in your upcoming track and field meet.
I know I’ll prevail.
No way I can fail,
’Cause there’s no one as good as a cheat.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker refused to compete
In the beef-eating contest’s last heat.
She explained “It was fun
For a while, but I’m done —
I’ve had more than enough of jerked meat.”

Allen Wilcox:

Lim’rick contests tempt all to compete.
The meter has rules you must meet.
If you don’t take the time
To make sure that you rhyme,
Mad will throw you right out on the street.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (146)

Sunday, January 5th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A gardener frequently blows
Lots of money on hoes, hose, and hos.
What’s the kind he likes best?
Well, unlike all the rest,
It’s the one that you can’t buy at Lowe’s.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Though my relatives near come to blows,
And my nightmares are filled with red bows,
And my innocent telly
Now knows Megyn Kelly,
I’m sad after everyone goes!

Congratulations to J Cosmo Newbery, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The brav’ry of someone who blows
On bagpipes, is hard to suppose.
As they pump and exhale
It lets out a high wail–
Like a cat in its final death throes.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

So, this Christmas turned out a bit weird:
Last week’s man in the news with a beard
Wasn’t “god’s only son”
Or “the red suited one,”
But ‘a feller that’s homo afeard.’

Seems he said a few words that were rude
About things some folks do in the nude.
Claimed he’s speaking for god.
That’s the part I found odd.
Not as odd though as what then ensued.

The network said “Good grief, O lord,
By this unchristian speech we’re abhorred.”
But they soon got the news
That this good ol’ boy’s views
With Confederate hearts struck a chord.

In a cowardly turn I believe
The old duck guy was given reprieve.
They said “we don’t hate gays
But it’s clear that what pays
Is to give all you hicks ‘by your leave.'”

Now I can’t say what all this portends.
But it’s time that this limerick ends.
So to Phil who sells bait,
Though your words incite hate
Happy New Year to you and my friends.

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Holiday Limerick Division” (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Chris Hansen, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Kirk Miller.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Limerick Blows Division” (in random order) Kathy El-Assal, Will T. Laughlin, Bob Dvorak, and John Peter Larkin.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Honorable Mention Winners — “Holiday Limerick Division”

Tim James:

A fellow of whom I’ve heard tell
Doesn’t write Christmas cards very well:
“I wish you and your wife
Ots of ove and ong ife.”
But it fits, in this time of No el.

Fred Bortz:

It’s a Jewish December tradition
To serve meals at the Save-a-Soul Mission,
Then to nosh some Chinese,
Where pork’s kosher — Oh please,
That is NOT the rabbinic position!

Chris Hansen:

Some resolve on the first day of Jan.
To work out, or abstain, or eat bran.
The gyms are awash
With the poor and the posh.
By the tenth they’re all gone, to a man.

Byron Miller:

At the company party this Christmas,
Our boss was a rowdily Pissed Miss,
All smoochy and jolly,
Decked only in holly–-
An under-the-mistletoe-Kissed mess.

Kirk Miller:

At Christmas, what carries some clout
Is mistletoe hanging about.
When I hung some at work,
People said, “Tell me, Kirk,
With mistletoe how’d you make out?”

Honorable Mention Winners — “Limerick Blows Division”

Kathy El-Assal:

From the ship came a loud “There she blows!”
As the white whale from ocean depths rose.
The sea was soon strewn
With crew and harpoon
As Moby de-feeted more foes.

Will T. Laughlin:

We went to “The 400 Blows,”
Which we thought was that film of Truffaut’s.
We found we were wrong:
It starred Annabelle Chong
And four hundred fortunate schmoes.

Bob Dvorak:

A woman who frequently blows
On her horn says her preference it shows.
When asked by a wench
If her horn felt like French
She replied, “Blowing French — la même chose.”

John Peter Larkin:

A woman who’d suffered some blows
From guys whom she thought were her beaus,
Told them all to get lost
In tones filled with frost,
And said their new status was “Foes.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (143)

Sunday, December 8th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to John Peter Larkin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow who’d frequently crab
Complained that his life was too drab.
Though he wasn’t too bright,
I’d say he was right.
Cuz even his house was pre-fab.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Said Brutus, “I don’t mean to crab,
But, dear Caesar, your toga is drab.
You need someone who knows
How to pick out your clothes.
Would you mind if I gave it a stab?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Kathy El-Assal, John Lawrence Ramos, Chris Doyle, Fred Bortz, and Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Steve Whitred:

A gal who was rather a crab
In the bedroom was totally fab.
So, despite all her grousing,
We did so much ‘spousing’
That grey shaded novel seemed drab.

Kathy El-Assal:

Like lobster, its cousin the crab
Is a gourmet delight, so chefs nab
These seafood crustaceans
For bisque-like creations
So rest’rants can soup up their tab.

John Lawrence Ramos:

Three bedbugs, two lice and a crab
Convened for a post-feeding gab.
One thought he had seen
A new tick on their teen,
But turned out, it was only a scab.

Chris Doyle

I’m a gal who does not like to crab,
But your ad said your body was fab.
So explain to me how
What I’m looking at now
Is a guy with a six-pack of flab.

Fred Bortz:

They added the genes of a crab
To a Doberman’s eggs in the lab.
Now here is the clincher:
That dog bore a “Pincher”
With claws on its paws that could grab.

Byron Miller:

He moves sideways at night, like a crab,
While he’s looking for prey he can nab.
So don’t walk home alone;
He’s a dog; you’re the bone;
And he’s quick with his gift of the grab.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (116)

Sunday, June 2nd, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Kirk Miller, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

As you age you may feel rather ill,
But your life needn’t lack for a thrill.
Here’s a message that’s true:
Just remember that you
Pick up speed when you’re going down hill.

Congratulations to Ailsa McKillop, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Ailsa McKillop:

A gal who was feeling quite ill
Said bravely, “I just have a chill.”
But the cause of malaise
Was one Nature obeys
When a woman forgets just one Pill.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Sue Dulley, Scott Crowder, Fred Bortz, John Peter Larkin, Colleen Murphy, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A man who was frequently ill
Was told to eat plenty of krill
Which his doctor, a shark,
Had prescribed as a lark,
Then sent him a whale of a bill.

Byron Miller:

Tis a good wind which blows one no ill
That will swirl ‘neath girls’ dresses and thrill
Passing gents with a peek
At the regions they seek,
Lifting hopes which they long to fulfill.

Sue Dulley:

North Koreans once had Kim Jong-il
Rule their land with his powerful will.
Now it falls to his son,
Who is named Kim Jong-un,
His father’s large flip-flops to fill.

Scott Crowder:

A woman was feeling quite ill
At the thought of that five dollar bill
In the crack of her butt;
She becomes such a slut
When Tequila determines her will.

Fred Bortz:

The mallard was feeling quite ill
So the duck doctor gave him a pill.
But the bird blew his stack,
‘Cause the doc was a quack
And charged him a wing and a bill.

John Peter Larkin:

A gal was convinced she was ill
After eating an off-tasting dill.
She asked her poor spouse
Why he’s still in the house
And not fetching a curative pill.

Colleen Murphy:

A drunkard was feeling quite ill
After reading his credit card bill.
“On the first of September
The flight I remember,
But not where I spent half a mil!”

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A woman was suddenly ill
When she glanced at the theater’s playbill,
And found it quite odd;
She’d reserved Sweeney Todd,
But the Barber was now in Seville.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (102)

Sunday, February 24th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

William Tell and his son on a roll
At the Lucky Strike Lanes set a goal:
At least spare every frame.
But their team had no name,
So we don’t know for whom the Tells bowl.

Congratulations to Kevin Ahern, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman is playing a role.
Getting tourists to Asia’s her goal.
The simple idea:
Advance her Korea,
Making bucks while she’s selling her Seoul.

And congratulations to Craig Dykstra and Johanna Richmond, who jointly win this special Limerick Repartee Award for their limerick exchange:

Craig Dykstra:

I just couldn’t get on a roll.
This week I fell short of my goal,
Which is: “Be so damn funny
That Mad gives me money.”
(Or at least get the ol’ gal to LOL.)

Johanna Richmond:

Craig D says he’s not on a roll,
But be careful, Craig, show some control:
Might get only *one win*
For committing the sin
Of calling our lovely host ol’!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Gary Hallock, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, John Peter Larkin, and David McCormick.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Gary Hallock:

A woman frets over her roll:
“Fine dining,” she says, “took its toll.
Over par at each course,
For I eat like a horse.
Now I look like I’m ready to foal.”

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was playing a role
Of being a merry old soul,
But found he’s not very
Inspired as merry
And asked, “Would you settle for droll?”

Jamie Hutchinson:

Some fossil requested a roll
Of film from a digital soul,
A green little brat,
Who said, “Batt’ry with that?
Or’s your camera powered by coal?”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A woman tossed in a fresh roll
When she hadn’t the change for her toll.
It jammed the machine.
She was chased from the scene,
But she then buttered up the patrol.

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

An actor was playing the role
Of nasty pugnacious old troll
By shaking his spear
At everyone near
With Shakespeare his ultimate goal.

John Peter Larkin:

A fellow was eating a roll
While trying to pay a bridge toll.
The car hit a bump,
Which made his arm jump,
And that’s why he swallowed it whole.

David McCormick:

When a singer’s rehearsing a role,
“Know every song backwards!” he’s tol’.
That is why tenors hunger
For “Springtime Than Younger”
And basses for “River Man Ol’.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (80)

Sunday, September 23rd, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow was trying his hand
At arranging a hot one-night stand.
Said the lady: “Reports are,
Your Calvin Klein shorts are,
At best, insufficiently manned.”

Congratulations to Scott Crowder, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow was trying his hand
At teaching his dog a command.
But he slurred just a bit,
And when he said “Sit,”
He got a bit more than he planned.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Tim James, Brendan Beary, Richard Diakun, Carolyn Henly, and John Peter Larkin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

A friend of mine once tried his hand
Selling frozen treats down by the sand.
But the end of the summer
Killed business – a bummer!
Last night it was Custard’s Last Stand.

Tim James:

A fellow was trying his hand
At building a nudie bar brand.
But he made too few hires
For clients’ desires;
Supply was outstripped by demand.

Brendan Beary:

A fellow was trying his hand
On the Tokyo stage, but was canned —
The director yelled, “Cut!”
Then reproached him with, “What
Part of Noh do you not understand?”

Richard Diakun:

The lady again played her hand,
And this time the pot was a grand.
She got quite a rush
As she showed off her flush.
Her cleavage distracted as planned.

Carolyn Henly:

A poet was trying her hand
At a lim’rick that wouldn’t get panned.
The rhymes were a breeze;
She contrived them with ease.
If only the doggone-son-of-a-jumping-frog last line had scanned.

John Peter Larkin:

A fellow was trying his hand
At making his member expand.
It worked rather well.
He said, “This is swell
To know I can grow on-demand.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (64)

Sunday, June 3rd, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow came forth to be wed
By a judge before whom he had pled
So often that now,
When asked for his vow,
By habit “Not guilty!” he said.

Congratulations to John Peter Larkin who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman was planning to wed
And visions of bliss filled her head.
But it all came to naught
When her lover was caught
With the wife he’d neglected to shed.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Richard Schear, Linda Fuller, Elaine Spall, Johanna Richmond, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A fellow was planning to wed
Till he found out they’d both been misled.
She said she was Doris.
Turned out she was Horace.
And he was an Alice, not Fred!

Richard Schear:

A fellow was planning to wed
A girl who was all in his head.
He thought, “No big deal
If she is unreal.
At least she won’t nag me in bed.”

Linda Fuller:

A woman was nervous to wed
A man with a nose cherry red.
Was it booze? Inflammation?
A freaky mutation?
Or should he be pulling a sled?

Elaine Spall:

A fellow was planning to wed
And pleased when his fiance said,
“I don’t think I can swap.
I just must be on top.”
Then he found out she bought a bunk bed.

Johanna Richmond:

Mister Romney will now try to wed
Mainstream views to extreme things he’s said,
But Ayn Randian mean
Is a bitch to scrub clean;
Ain’t no hosing that tea from his bed.

Robert Schechter:

A woman was planning to wed
A man who was thoroughly dead.
“The long and the short is
I love rigor mortis,”
She winked. “It’s so useful in bed.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (61)

Saturday, May 12th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Craig Dyskstra who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Met a blonde in a bar with a tan;
As we danced, she purred “I’m Maryanne.”
But the bar’s in Key West
So the rest you’ll have guessed:
That my tan Maryanne was a man.

And further congratulations go to Craig Dykstra who also wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award, but for a different limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My freckle-faced girl can’t get tan,
So she sits in the shade with a fan.
She finally learned
That she’d only get burned.
She’s a ginger, she’s not Mary Ann.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Elaine Spall, John Peter Larkin, Linda Fuller, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Robert Schechter, and Patrick McKeon. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Elaine Spall:

A guy with a very deep tan
Caught his tie on a new celing fan.
Such a costly mistake:
‘Cause his colour was fake
He spray painted the walls as he span.

John Peter Larkin:

A guy with a very deep tan
Tried out to be Marlboro’s man.
But, because of his cough,
His name was crossed off,
And that was the end of his plan.

Linda Fuller:

A gal with a very deep tan
Ate nothing but oatmeal and bran.
She tie-died her clothing
And felt a strong loathing
For food that came out of a can.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A guy with a very dark tan
Had left his four wives in Iran.
To be very specific,
They’d been too prolific
And he couldn’t afford a big van.

Robert Schechter:

A gal with a very deep tan
Encountered a dirty old man,
So brash and obscene he
Asked, “‘Does your bikini
Hide bronze, or a lily white can?”

Patrick McKeon:

A gal with a very deep tan
Had a different last testament plan.
Since her skin just like leather
Would hold out all weather,
It was left to a tent making man.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (39)

Sunday, December 11th, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A man who was frequently prone
To sitting all day on the throne,
Said, “It’s great to be king,
But there’s only one thing:
It’s a toilet, and I’m in Bayonne.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Kathy El-Assal, Edmund Conti, Elaine Spall,
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Drew Nicholson, and John Peter Larkin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Johanna Richmond:

A gal who was frequently prone
To engaging in sex on the phone
Found repeat business hard
Since her number was barred
By the women whose husbands she’d blown.

Kathryn El-Assal:

A gal who was frequently prone
To a French existentialist tone
Hung out with Camus
And Jean-Paul Sartre, too.
To her friends, she was known as Simone.

Edmund Conti:

A guy who was frequently prone
To lying face down when alone
Said, “It may not show class
When exposing my ass,
But it beats out what else could be shown.”

Elaine Spall:

A fellow was frequently prone
To be licking and chewing a bone.
When he started to nibble
Some leftover kibble
The doghouse was where he was thrown.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A gal who was frequently prone
From indulging in much Côtes du Rhône
Raised a glass (in a dream)
At a bistro in Nîmes,
While asleep on the floor in Bayonne.

Drew Nicholson:

A guy who was frequently prone
To refusing to spend time alone
Said “My name’s Herman Cain.
I suspend my campaign,
But I’ll take VP offers by phone.”

John Peter Larkin:

A guy who was frequently prone
Was happy his seed had been sown.
His girl had said no
But she gave him the go
When he found her erogenous zone.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.