Posts Tagged ‘Johanna Richmond’
Sunday, July 19th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
“The whole gold-digging life’s a hard sell,
But for me it works out pretty well.
Some don’t like ‘old guy love,’
But when push comes to shove
And I bid them farewell, I fair well!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Stephen Fleming, Brian Allgar, Allen Wilcox, Johanna Richmond, and Pedro Poitevin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Dave Johnson:
A phone with a really hard shell
When dropped, may not do very well.
Perhaps they could place
It inside a foam case;
The market could use a soft cell.
Fred Bortz:
By the seashore, her shells surely sell,
And her business is doing so well
That her Yiddische Mama
Declares with much drama
“Oy, Shirley, you’re making me kvell!”
Stephen B. Fleming:
The Donald believes he can sell
Himself as the Chief — “Do Pray Tell.”
But his immigrant smear
Caused a corp’rate Bronx cheer.
So to much of his fortune, “Farewell.”
Brian Allgar:
Dubya reckoned the deal would be swell,
Even though it meant going to hell,
But the Devil just laughed;
“Buy your soul? Don’t be daft–
You don’t even have one to sell.”
Allen Wilcox:
As he passed through the hot gates of Hell,
The sounds within started to swell.
The pain in his ears
Nearly drove him to tears
From the ringing that came from each cell.
Johanna Richmond:
How I MISS life before Mr. Cell
And his wife, Mrs. Cell, came to dwell
In our home — when our link
Involved warm flesh and kink
And our texting thumbs boldly wore gel.
Pedro Poitevin:
Through a tunnel he dug in his cell,
El Chapo descended to hell
And offered the devil
A lower mid-level
Position within his cartel.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Johanna Richmond, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Pedro Poitevin, Stephen Fleming, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, October 11th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JAMIE HUTCHINSON, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse, as well as the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for the same limerick:
My mouth is shut tight—not a crack—
Till my dentist can prove he’s no hack.
Then I see his degree
On the wall, and then we
Each say “Ah!” at the other one’s plaque.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, Jon Gearhart, Bob Dvorak, Byron Ives, Robert Schechter, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Tim James, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kirk Miller:
In the kitchen, came ants through the crack,
So the homeowner tried to fight back.
The Formica he sprayed;
Their advance was delayed.
Then the ants made a counter-attack.
Brian Allgar:
The dentist made many a crack
Concerning his hygienist’s rack.
He was put in his place
With a punch in the face;
Now his teeth are displayed on her plaque.
Diane Groothuis:
A dancer was trying to crack
A role in “Le cygne du lac”
But the swan flew away
Just turning to say
“The trouble with me is I’m black.”
Jon Gearhart:
Sexual stresses could cause you to crack
When you’re called to perform in the sack.
If you can’t raise your todger
To give her a roger,
You’ll soon know of a lass and a lack.
Bob Dvorak:
A fellow tripped over a crack,
Which caused him to land with a thwack.
This unabashed nut
Took a look at his butt;
Said, “I cracked it!” (Aww. Cut him some slack.)
Byron Ives:
My windshield just suffered a crack
From a dove with a now broken back,
Broken wing, beak, and neck
So I thought, what the heck…
Then I skinned him and grilled me a snack.
Robert Schechter:
My captors believed I would crack
When they stretched out my bones on the rack,
But I did not break
Till they threatened to make
Me eat a McDonald’s Big Mac.
Will Laughlin:
“So what if the aquifers crack,
And the water turns smelly and black?
So what if we’re killing
The earth with our drilling?
We honestly don’t give a frack!”
Allen Wilcox:
The dentist discovered a crack
In a tooth that was way in the back.
He said its small size
Wouldn’t win me a prize,
But he gave me a plaque for my plaque.
Tim James, in Chaucerian mode:
A gallant olde knyghte took a crack
At slaying a dragon. Alack!
For the fyre-breathing beest,
In the mood for a feest,
Made the fellow a well-toasted snack.
Johanna Richmond:
Bottom-line, your selected word “crack”
Has me itching, by god, to talk smack!
Poised to bring in the rear,
I may butt in right here
With this cheeky announcement: I’m baaaccckk!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Diane Groothuis, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Saturday, May 31st, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A woman whose hair is all mussed
Avows that the wind is robust,
Though everyone sees
By the dirt on her knees,
It was caused by a blow, not a gust.
Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for two limericks, each of which received the most Facebook “likes.”
In school, the three R’s were a must,
But at ‘rithmetic I was a bust.
My subtracting is fine,
But when adding, like 9
And 16, I get somehow nonplussed.
and
The Tin Man, like everyone, must
Meet his Maker and wind up as dust,
But unlike you and me,
On his stone “R.I.P.”
Will denote it’s in peace that he’ll rust.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Johanna Richmond, Kirk Miller, Konrad Schwoerke, and Shannon Tucker. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Fred Bortz:
The couple emerged very mussed
From a tryst that had sated their lust.
They enjoyed S and M,
He informed us: “Ahem,
Yes she is the one that I trussed.”
Sue Dulley:
Some weeks I decide that I must
Stop yielding to limerick lust.
Then a quick look, and — yikes —
So many rate “Likes.”
My resolve soon dissolves into dust.
Brian Allgar:
Inga’s clothes were disheveled and mussed;
The wife found her husband and cussed:
“I have told you before,
The au pair’s not a whore,
So you’ve not paid her this time, I trust!”
Robert Basler:
A vat of stomped grapes is called must.
Without it, your wine would go bust.
So squish all that pinot
And make us some vino.
Who knows? It could lead to some lust!
Robert Schechter:
On every piano there must
Be a dignified Beethoven bust
To look down its nose
At the tunes you compose
And to shoot you a look of disgust.
Johanna Richmond:
On my birthday it’s hard but I must
Wear a grin and disguise my disgust.
Though I’m glad to get older,
The ache in my shoulder
Is putting a crimp in my lust.
Kirk Miller:
The man’s horny and knows that he must
Tell his wife that he’s feeling much lust.
If his wife’s in the mood,
He’ll suggest something lewd
And then hope that his wife gets his thrust.
Konrad Schwoerke:
There once was a camel in must
Who could not quench the heat of his lust.
In that hot desert setting,
With limited sweating,
The beastie was quick to combust.
Shannon Tucker:
“Good grades are an absolute must!”
They say throughout school, but I just
Don’t think that mere grades
Will reward you in spades:
Better, grades and a double D bust.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Before there is wine there is must.
Before there is love there is lust.
This linear flow
Is everywhere, so
Before there are bunnies there’s dust.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, Fred Bortz, Johanna Richmond, Kirk Miller, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Scott Crowder, Shannon Tucker, Sue Dulley, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 6 Comments »
Saturday, March 29th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A fellow whose mortgage was due
Had even more woes than he knew.
His payment, though late,
Was the least of his fate;
His wife and his girlfriend were too.
Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who (in a tie with himself) wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for these two limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”
When a crone caused a London to-do
Hiding blades in the heel of her shoe,
And she carved up a dame
In a lav, she became
The old woman who shivved in a loo.
A wildebeest’s blue, and it’s due
To a shortage of does in the zoo.
He doesn’t know when
He’ll be mating again,
So he waits to go wooing a gnu.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Christopher Finch Reynolds, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Bob Leggett, Chris Doyle, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Johanna Richmond:
Dan’s wife kept her Dippity Do
In a jar on the dresser — Woohoo!
“If it stiffens her hair,”
Wondered Dan, “do I dare?”
Now Dan’s dippity ding-dong is blue.
Christopher Finch Reynolds:
It was foggy and thick was the dew,
And I thought it was time for a screw.
When she climbed into bed
And began to give head,
Then like Adam and Eve we both “knew.”
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
“Stop telling me what I must do!”
The dog thought when caught with a shoe.
“You’ve still got one more
Right there on the floor.
Why not share with me, when there are two?”
Brian Allgar: (“quoting” Moses)
“Stop telling us what we should do!
Commandments? OK, one or two,
But on marble, all ten?
Can’t You just use a pen
On a substance that’s light, like bamboo?”
Colleen Murphy:
The stonehead said, “What shall I do?”
When he looked at his recent tattoo.
See, he realized too late
He had inked the name “Kate,”
But she was the girl, before Sue.
Bob Leggett:
A woman at last got her due
When she got to the head of the queue:
“Your offer I see
Is buy one, get one free.
I would like to buy one single shoe.”
Chris Doyle:
I’m a shepherd with little to do,
As I tend to the flock the night through.
To help me not sleep,
I snuggle a sheep—
My sexy embraceable ewe.
Will T. Laughlin:
His weakness is Tullamore Dew.
If they give him a tumbler or two,
Then his lips will unseal,
And it’s probable he’ll
Tullamore than he knows that he knew.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Leggett, Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, Christopher Finch Reynolds, Colleen Murphy, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, February 2nd, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A baker went into the red
When his payroll costs came to a head:
“I pay Dad and my brother,
Three aunts and my mother!”
It seems his whole fam’ly’s inbread.
Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
My limerick turned my face red
As lascivious thoughts filled my head.
I’m sure you’d be fonder
Of my double entendre
If I dared to reveal what it said.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Johanna Richmond, Michael Moulton, Robert Schechter, Jim Delaney, Tim James, Sallie McKenna, and Jane Shelton Hoffman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kirk Miller:
A newspaper article read:
In his home, a cartoonist found dead.
Cops will try to find out
How his death came about.
All the details are sketchy, they said.
Johanna Richmond:
My computer was sure it had read
The prime booty for which my heart bled.
So to prove that thing wrong
I spent days searching “thong,”
Then bought white cotton panties instead.
Mike Moulton:
A chicken with plumage bright red
Tried to charm all the hens in a shed.
He said, “I’m a great cock.”
But the rest of the flock
Saw that he was a capon and fled.
Robert Schechter:
Most poets write “Roses are red,”
But I started my love poem instead
“A rose is chartreuse,”
Which is why, I deduce,
I never did get her in bed.
Jim Delaney:
A gal who was very well-read
Tried to tempt a young man to her bed.
But such culture can do less
When Emma is Clueless,
And boys watch the movie instead.
Tim James:
A woman was very well-read
And her topic of choice was sex ed.
“Dr. Kinsey’s her guide,”
Beamed her man, grinning wide.
“She just Masters my Johnson,” he said.
Sallie McKenna:
Old fashioned, she always wore red,
Said it kept her from being well bred;
With Tom, Dick, or Harry
The red kept her chary.
Her “stop” won’t go “green” till she’s wed!
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
The canvass was totally red.
“It’s genius!” the art critic said.
How could we agree
When all we could see
Looked the same when we stood on our head?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jim Delaney, Johanna Richmond, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mike Moulton, Robert Schechter, Sallie McKenna, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, January 12th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Our captain appears to be out
Of the closet, without any doubt.
From high up in the rigging,
I spotted him frigging
The cabin boy coming about.
Congratulations to SUE DULLEY and SCOTT CROWDER, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award.
Sue Dulley:
Time was: “If you’d like to go out,
Pick the phone up and give me a shout.”
Then came email, and next
“Just snd me a txt” —
Soon telepathy’s coming, no doubt.
Scott Crowder:
A woman is throwing things out —
Leftovers forgotten about:
A strange purple treat,
Old mystery meat,
And something that’s started to sprout.
Congratulations to JOHANNA RICHMOND, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award for her clever multi-verse limerick about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s press conference concerning the George Washington Bridge lane closure scandal:
“I’m too trusting — my secret is out —
And too genuine, lovable, stout…
But a bully? Vindictive?
My wounded heart fictive?
That’s not what Chris Christie’s about!
“I am sad and so very depressed;
Tell me, how could I EVER have guessed
That my dep chief of staff
Would have made such a gaffe.
I cut loose that dead weight — thought it best.
“As you know, folks, I don’t blow my cork.
To the fellow who differs: Hey dork,
If you think you felt pain
When I shut down your lane
You should see what I do with a fork!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ira Bloom, Tim James, Byron Ives, Aparna Ray, Johanna Richmond, Daisy Mae Simon, Will T. Laughlin, and Sharon L. Smatusek Harris. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Ira Bloom:
In my youth I had cause to go out
With a gal with a merciless pout.
Those lips she would purse
In a manner so terse,
To this day, I can’t look at a trout.
Tim James:
A Congressman liked to make out
With the gals in his office, the lout,
‘Til one day when he met
The girls’ boyfriends. I’ll bet
That he’s learned a new meaning of “clout.”
Byron Ives:
This gal had it all figured it out–
Her sex life had long been a drought:
“I’ll visit a tavern,
“Find meat for my cavern,
“But probably settle for trout.”
Aparna Ray:
A woman was throwing things out:
Belongings, her boyfriend’s (a lout.)
“I’m declutt’ring”, said she,
“Getting rid of debris,
And that sure includes him, without doubt.”
Johanna Richmond, inspired by this news item:
A new natural Prozac’s come out,
One your men-friends are likely to tout.
And you won’t go bone dry
If you blow your supply;
It’s renewable — rarely a drought.
Daisy Mae Simon:
A woman would often go out
With a man with an extra large snout.
And though people would stare,
She just didn’t care
‘Cause in bed she would squeal from its clout.
Will T. Laughlin:
Well, I’m glad that my daughter goes out
With a man who is truly devout.
I looked in on them: He’s
Got her down on her knees…
“God! Oh, God!” I keep hearing him shout.
Sharon L. Smatusek Harris:
As a 60ish woman with clout,
It is not worth my while to go out.
Each “grandpa” expects
That a coffee buys sex
Even though there’s no “spring in his sprout.”
(While Sharon’s limerick uses “out” in line 2 instead of line 1, it made me laugh so much I just had to include it.)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Aparna Ray, Byron Ives, Byron Miller, Daisy Mae Simon, Ira Bloom, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Sharon L. Smatusek Harris, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Sunday, January 5th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A gardener frequently blows
Lots of money on hoes, hose, and hos.
What’s the kind he likes best?
Well, unlike all the rest,
It’s the one that you can’t buy at Lowe’s.
Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Though my relatives near come to blows,
And my nightmares are filled with red bows,
And my innocent telly
Now knows Megyn Kelly,
I’m sad after everyone goes!
Congratulations to J Cosmo Newbery, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
The brav’ry of someone who blows
On bagpipes, is hard to suppose.
As they pump and exhale
It lets out a high wail–
Like a cat in its final death throes.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
So, this Christmas turned out a bit weird:
Last week’s man in the news with a beard
Wasn’t “god’s only son”
Or “the red suited one,”
But ‘a feller that’s homo afeard.’
Seems he said a few words that were rude
About things some folks do in the nude.
Claimed he’s speaking for god.
That’s the part I found odd.
Not as odd though as what then ensued.
The network said “Good grief, O lord,
By this unchristian speech we’re abhorred.”
But they soon got the news
That this good ol’ boy’s views
With Confederate hearts struck a chord.
In a cowardly turn I believe
The old duck guy was given reprieve.
They said “we don’t hate gays
But it’s clear that what pays
Is to give all you hicks ‘by your leave.'”
Now I can’t say what all this portends.
But it’s time that this limerick ends.
So to Phil who sells bait,
Though your words incite hate
Happy New Year to you and my friends.
Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Holiday Limerick Division” (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Chris Hansen, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Kirk Miller.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Limerick Blows Division” (in random order) Kathy El-Assal, Will T. Laughlin, Bob Dvorak, and John Peter Larkin.
Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Honorable Mention Winners — “Holiday Limerick Division”
Tim James:
A fellow of whom I’ve heard tell
Doesn’t write Christmas cards very well:
“I wish you and your wife
Ots of ove and ong ife.”
But it fits, in this time of No el.
Fred Bortz:
It’s a Jewish December tradition
To serve meals at the Save-a-Soul Mission,
Then to nosh some Chinese,
Where pork’s kosher — Oh please,
That is NOT the rabbinic position!
Chris Hansen:
Some resolve on the first day of Jan.
To work out, or abstain, or eat bran.
The gyms are awash
With the poor and the posh.
By the tenth they’re all gone, to a man.
Byron Miller:
At the company party this Christmas,
Our boss was a rowdily Pissed Miss,
All smoochy and jolly,
Decked only in holly–-
An under-the-mistletoe-Kissed mess.
Kirk Miller:
At Christmas, what carries some clout
Is mistletoe hanging about.
When I hung some at work,
People said, “Tell me, Kirk,
With mistletoe how’d you make out?”
Honorable Mention Winners — “Limerick Blows Division”
Kathy El-Assal:
From the ship came a loud “There she blows!”
As the white whale from ocean depths rose.
The sea was soon strewn
With crew and harpoon
As Moby de-feeted more foes.
Will T. Laughlin:
We went to “The 400 Blows,”
Which we thought was that film of Truffaut’s.
We found we were wrong:
It starred Annabelle Chong
And four hundred fortunate schmoes.
Bob Dvorak:
A woman who frequently blows
On her horn says her preference it shows.
When asked by a wench
If her horn felt like French
She replied, “Blowing French — la même chose.”
John Peter Larkin:
A woman who’d suffered some blows
From guys whom she thought were her beaus,
Told them all to get lost
In tones filled with frost,
And said their new status was “Foes.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Byron Miller, Chris Hansen, Fred Bortz, J Cosmo Newbery, Johanna Richmond, John Peter Larkin, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Will Lauglin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Sunday, December 1st, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to John Lawrence Ramos, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A colonial thief took a fall
When caught with a big sphagnum haul.
He was trying to clear
A large debt to Revere.
In short, he robbed peat to pay Paul.
Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
On a dark, dreary midnight one fall,
He awoke to a scavenger’s call.
But wouldn’t you know it,
That second-rate poet
Never heard, “Nevermore!” Not at all!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, John Lawrence Ramos, Will T. Laughlin, Chris Doyle, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Craig Dykstra:
I’ve been seeing this girl since last fall.
In the bedroom, she sure does it all!
I’m one testicle shy
But I still can’t deny
That this gal is the Belle of the Ball.
John Lawrence Ramos:
A progressive young man took a fall
When he tripped on a curb at the mall.
He felt like a cad,
For he hated to add
To the problem of more urban sprawl.
Will T. Laughlin:
The Knowledge that came from the Fall
Was not what’s reported at all.
‘Twasn’t Evil and Good;
Rather, both understood
Adam’s penis was laughably small.
Chris Doyle:
A great deli has had a great fall,
Serving meats now that truly appall.
Their pastrami, paté,
And corned beef all dismay.
And their wurst? It’s the worst of them all!
Craig Dykstra:
When the debutante took a bad fall,
The resulting unladylike sprawl
Made it clear in a flash
That the “belle” of that bash
Wasn’t even a lady at all!
Will T. Laughlin:
A boy had a terrible fall –
In the fountain he fell in a sprawl
(For this is what comes
From doing one’s sums
While walking on top of a wall).
Whatever the future may bring,
We’ve now seen a marvelous thing:
I think you’ll agree
How rare it must be
For a summer to fall in the spring!
Johanna Richmond:
Submissions on holidays fall,
While you geniuses shop at the mall.
Just WATCH how I slip in
And give you a whippin’.
You can’t put a price on sheer gall.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chris Doyle, Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Johanna Richmond, John Ramos, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, November 24th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
If you’re tired at the wheel, I suggest
That you stop at a trooper’s behest.
And if ordered to nap,
Don’t refuse, because . . . zap!
You’ll be tased for resisting a rest.
Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
I know I just said, not in jest,
That I planned to give lim’ricks a rest,
But that promise won’t mute me:
I’m back! OK, shoot me—
I’m wearing my bullet-proof vest.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) John Lawrence Ramos, Brenda Bryant a/k/a Rinkly Rimes, Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred, Johanna Richmond, and Craig Dykstra. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
John Lawrence Ramos:
At the diner, a man would ingest
His romaine without pants, shirt or vest;
When the waitress looked pained,
He politely explained
He preferred his green salad undressed.
Brenda Bryant:
A woman was speaking in jest
When she said, “All my sins are confessed.”
She’d forgotten a few.
That’s what girls tend to do
When their past simply can’t pass the test.
Chris Doyle:
A beekeeper tells me in jest
That he plans, when he’s laid to his rest,
To give all that he owns
To his Queen and her drones,
Thus completing his final bee-quest.
Steve Whitred:
I once knew a girl who’d suggest
She was better in bed than the rest.
I said “Don’t mean to boast,
But I’m better than most.
We should challenge ourselves to a test!”
Johanna Richmond:
Don’t you hate it when folks say,”I jest!”
After putting your pride to the test?
Hell, “I Jest!” just won’t do
When “How was it for you?”
Is rejoined by “You looked better dressed!”
Craig:
My gal went out joggin’ but jest
Wasn’t close to approprit’ly dressed.
Guys would run along side her
As soon as they spied her—
‘Cause her top failed at keepin’ abreast.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brenda Bryant, Chris Doyle, Craig Dykstra, Johanna Richmond, John Ramos, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, September 22nd, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Mick Jagger’s indeed in a fix
When St. Peter looks up and says “Nix!”
And the next thing Mick knows
He’s in Hell, where he rows
For eternity playing the Styx.
Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
My cat often gets in a fix;
He got crushed by a pile of bricks,
He got burned in a fire,
And squished by a tire –
I think his nine lives are at six.
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
Pig One’s in a terrible fix:
Lost his home (made of hay-and-straw mix)
When a Wolf wandered by
With a gleam in his eye,
And blew the house down just for kicks.
Pig Two had no time to affix
The mezuzah to *his* house (of sticks)
When the Wolf came to town
And he blew the house down…
(He was up to his usual tricks).
Said the Third Pig, “This problem I’ll fix
By building my house out of bricks.”
But the Wolf (Bad and Big)
Just foreclosed on the pig
And moved on to Pigs Four, Five and Six.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Craig Dykstra, Jamie Hutchinson, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, and Hogarth Hippolyte. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Johanna Richmond:
A man who demands a quick fix
(We’re talking down south in the sticks)
May ask for a “Hoover” —
A tricky maneuver —
Sounds cleaner than what it depicts.
Craig Dykstra:
A daredevil got in a fix
Because breakfast and highways don’t mix.
Now the poor guy is dead
And his epitaph read:
“Got his Kix® out on Route 66.”
Jamie Hutchinson:
A matchmaker needed a fix
When the matches she made didn’t mix.
So she set up online
And now business is fine:
Every match is a couple that clicks.
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
Bernanke is trying to fix
The economy, which he predicts
Will keep going sideways
Unless they provide ways
To goose it with stimulus tricks.
Will T. Laughlin:
Roger Ailes cried, “Please somebody, fix
This FAX machine. Something there sticks.”
You can fix the Fox FAX,
But a much better tack’s
To fix the faux facts that Fox picks.
Colleen Murphy:
A fellow got into a fix;
He was due home for dinner at six,
But he got home at eight,
Says his work made him late.
Then his wife saw the Instagram pics.
Hogarth Hippolyte:
A woman who needed a fix
Decided to fund it with tricks.
She went on the street
Hoping Johns she would meet,
But scored with a couple of Knicks.
Will T. Laughlin:
Cried the madam, “Well, we’re in a fix:
Of eight clients, you’ve scared away six.
You pull a live bunny
Right out of your… Honey,
You’re turning the wrong kind of tricks!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, David Lefkovits, Hogarth Hippolyte, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 7 Comments »
Sunday, September 8th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The young actress was pretty indeed.
(And the men she seduced all agreed.)
Though she read from the heart,
She did not get the part.
But she did, I am told, get the lead.
Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, Konrad Schwoerke, and Mark Kane who are in a three-way tie for this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:
Colleen Murphy:
The bloke did a dastardly deed
When he laced Henry’s cupcakes with weed.
“I wanted the fellow
To feel a bit mellow.
Be grateful it wasn’t with speed!”
Konrad Schwoerke:
The daft Duke did a dangerous deed.
’Twas ungraciously gauche most agreed,
An unthinkable thing
In the court of a king.
Not the place I’d’ve picked to have peed!
Mark Kane:
A baker had done a good deed.
Turned a young man away from his greed:
“Sure you’re chasing the bread,
But don’t be mislead,
You just might find you’ll get what you knead.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Scott Crowder, Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, and Cyn. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Johanna Richmond:
“Which one of you dogs did this deed?”
Bess barks out in a well-rehearsed screed.
But she sits when ears wilt
In confederate guilt—
Bassets know how to make your heart bleed.
Scott Crowder:
I was late to the party indeed,
Yet decided to join the stampede.
So I watched Breaking Bad,
Found it dreadful and sad—
I’ve never been quite up to Speed.
Patrice of the ManyCats:
Oh yes, he had just done the deed;
He heeded “the call” and he peed.
“Another disaster!
Bud, can’t you learn faster?”
Remember, your puppy can’t read.
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
“Damascus is guilty indeed,”
Says Kerry to those who would heed,
While Obama, in Sweden,
Is beggin’ and pleadin’
For those who would follow his lead.
Cyn:
A teen told her father, “Indeed,
You texted me. That I’ll concede.
But I’ve not the skill
Of texting while still—
I have to be driving to read.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Cyn, David Lefkovits, Johanna Richmond, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mark Kane, Patrice Stewart, Scott Crowder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest | 4 Comments »
Sunday, June 16th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A woman quite often arose
In wrath at her sisters and bros.
They arranged her blind dates
With prospective soul mates.
So her life was all butt-ins and beaux.
Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
From “The Vacuum,” The Cosmos arose,
As every good physicist knows.
I’d explain in this verse,
But the form is too terse.
The Big Bang requires Big Prose.
Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Magnificently, he arose,
He’s a Greek god right down to his toes…
His serpent allures;
To say he endures
Is to liken the phoenix to crows.
I look up — in his teeth there’s a rose;
What he holds in his hand damn near glows;
Let me die by this stake…
Crap, that’s Ralph: “You awake?
I don’t know where this old flashlight goes.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Jane Shelton Hoffman, J Cosmo Newbery, Steve Whitred, Scott Crowder, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Sue Dulley:
With fabric, a pale shade of rose,
She made up some curtains and throws.
They didn’t look smart
So she took them apart–
It’s sad when she rips what she sews.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A fellow who frequently rows
Never tells his wife just where he goes.
And her brother’s wife, Sue,
Often disappears too.
A family affair we suppose.
J Cosmo Newbery:
A woman was holding a rose
And the prize that it won in the shows.
And no-one suspected
Her win was connected
With the spot where she buried her beaux.
Steve Whitred:
His first tattoo says “I Love Rose.”
But another says “Bros before Hoes.”
So, his new girl, Inez
Wears a T-shirt that says,
“I’m with stupid”, wherever she goes.
Scott Crowder:
A woman was poked by a rose
And sent into orgasmic throes.
If one little prick,
Can do such a trick,
There’s hope for me too, I suppose.
Will T. Laughlin:
Rose planted her roses in rows,
Her garden to fully enclose.
Rose’s rosy rows rose,
And now nobody knows
When she goes through the rows with her beaux.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Fred Bortz, J Cosmo Newbery, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 6 Comments »
Sunday, June 9th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Robert Schechter, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
In Montana, a man with a suit
Is laughed at. They think he’s a hoot!
And they holler with glee
If by chance they should see
That he’s wearing a necktie to Butte.
Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
My neighbor was filing a suit,
Claimed I’d sealed up the holes in his flute.
So I entered a plea,
“With the charge I agree,
But it sounds so much better on mute.”
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick. (Here’s some info about the case Steve’s describing in his limerick.)
My fav’rite Nebraskan filed suit
Against God, with intent to impute
That he caused to transpire
Floods, earthquakes and fire.
For his part, the Yahweh was mute.
The judge promptly threw out the suit,
Saying God had no street or rur’l route,
And the bench then observed
Though the lord must be served,
“We’ve no viable means of pursuit.”
So the plaintiff’s appealing the suit,
Says “The grounds for dismissal are moot.
We’re subpoena foregoing.
Jehovah’s all knowing.
We shouldn’t his presence dispute.”
Then the high court vacated his suit,
Though the brief they reviewed was astute.
Now he’s known as the hater
Who sued the Creator
From Oshkosh to Lincoln to Butte.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Johanna Richmond, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Scott Crowder:
If you see me dressed up in a suit
And looking refined and astute,
With pants neatly creased,
I must be deceased,
In which case I won’t give a hoot.
Colleen Murphy:
A tomato was filing a suit,
Claimed the farmer had called him a “Fruit.”
The judge said, “True ref’rence,
Though not as to pref’rence.
The point of the matter is moot.”
Johanna Richmond:
No matter the price of the suit;
When that back-talking Maximus (Glute)
Throws his cares to the wind,
Rich and poor are chagrined.
Mighty mouth of the south, I salute.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A Senator wearing a suit
Was a right wing, religious old coot.
He’d profess, “Guns don’t kill!
But if you’ve got some skill,
When a thug comes around, you should shoot!”
Sue Dulley:
A man all dressed up in a suit
Caught the train for his morning commute.
His outfit, so formal,
Was looked on as normal
By others who took the same route.
Robert Schechter:
Said a man who was hit by a suit:
“I suppose I was far from astute.
I taunted, ‘So sue me!’
He did. Now I’m gloomy.
It’s wiser, at times, to stand mute.”
Will T. Laughlin:
Our limerick rhyme-word is “suit”:
Here’s the worst one — and that’s absolute.
It’s intended in fun,
So I beg: when I’m done,
Would you kindly not hurl rotten fruit?
I’m told that some Hollywood suit
Pitched a biopic: “Hawley and Smoot”.
Smoot never would bend
To the Hollywood trend,
But Hawley would. Ain’t THAT a beaut?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Colleen Murphy, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Sunday, May 26th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ANN MARTIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A philosopher covered in ink
Claimed “I know I exist ’cause I think,”
But René was so grubby
His wife told her hubby,
“I know you exist, ’cause you stink.”
Ann Martin’s philosophy limerick is also in a tie with this funny limerick by SUE DULLEY to jointly win the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:
My fountain pen’s run out of ink,
My VCR’s gone on the blink.
I think one fine day
I’ll just sail away
And pray that my raft doesn’t sink.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Will T. Laughlin, Fred Bortz, Johanna Richmond, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Colleen Murphy:
We’re anxiously watching the ink
In hopes it confirms what we think.
We erupt into cheers
When the plus sign appears.
Now’s the question of blue or of pink.
Will T. Laughlin:
I’m changing my name to “Will, Inc.”
As a corporate person, I think
I can do as I please:
Pay no taxes or fees,
And take dumps in the water you drink.
Fred Bortz:
A limerick written in ink
Requires the writer to think.
If instead, he just scribbles
There’s bound to be quibbles:
Both meter and rhyming will stink.
Johanna Richmond:
I devoted today’s bit of ink
To that well-endowed, trash-tweeting fink
Who, OK, likes to sext,
But maintains he’s the next
Mayor Koch (squeeze an “r” in, wink, wink).
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A woman was trying to ink
A diet to make people shrink.
But this was a dream
For her love of ice cream
Meant without it she just could not think!
Tim James:
The GOP gets lots of ink
As they try with great effort to link
The prez to a scandal
(A job they can’t handle).
Who’s running this crew? Colonel Klink?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ann Martin, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 7 Comments »
Saturday, May 11th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Peter dates an old lady who trips
When she hears Gladys Knight and the Pips;
And knowing he’s scored
When she shouts “All aboard!”
Peter prays that her Poligrip grips.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who win the Special Mother’s Day-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
On Mom’s Day she’ll act mild and meek,
But I know that before I can speak
She’ll say “Thanks for the call.”
Then she’ll make me feel small
With “Your brother phones two times a week.”
Congratulations to Mike Moulton, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A hippie who took lots of trips
With reality came not to grips,
As the acid he tried
Left his brain nearly fried
And subject to memory slips.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award, occasionally given to a very clever puzzle in limerick form:
Here’s a puzzle for taking on trips:
At a fork, the path rises or dips.
Pick the one you should take
To arrive at the lake.
In verse two I’ll supply you with tips.
There’s two guides, but be careful, one trips.
Only lies ever come from her lips.
Th’ other guide in the booth
Always tells you the truth.
Which is which? You don’t know, and that rips.
But with guilt, on me, don’t lay your trips.
Both guides know which path’s right and which gyps.
Since these girls are both sibs,
They know which of them fibs
And which sis tells the truth in her quips.
To arrive at the lake on these trips,
It’s now time that we all come to grips.
What’s the question to pose
To one guide, so it shows
Down which path to be pointing your hips?
(Steve provides the answer to his fun puzzle here.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, J Cosmo Newbery, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Craig Dykstra:
My career lets me take lots of trips.
I tend bar on some cruise-liner ships.
I like it a lot
‘Cause there’s nothing so hot
As a drunk girl with really big tips.
Fred Bortz:
The astronomer’s too frequent trips
To savor Miss Moonbeam’s sweet lips
Were the proximate cause:
He forgot Kepler’s Laws
And was late for the solar eclipse.
J Cosmo Newbery:
A fellow who took many trips
To clubs where a young lady strips
Got the fright of his life
Recognizing his wife
Both dancing and pulling large tips.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A writer would take frequent trips
To research how each country strips.
“Geisha girls drop their fans.
French nudes do can-cans.
And Middle East girls show their lips.”
Sue Dulley
A comet makes regular trips
Round its orbit, a long thin ellipse.
What to do on the day
Our earth gets in its way?
We’ll need some apocalypse tips.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, J Cosmo Newbery, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mike Moulton, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 9 Comments »
Sunday, May 5th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The party was starting to hum
On a fishing boat well-stocked with rum,
Till the captain’s friend, drunk,
With the sharks took a dunk.
Now he’s known as the skipper’s best chum.
Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Someone’s limerick made me go hummm…
When I think of a frown on a bum,
My mind goes to farce —
Painted lips on an arse
And a mouth ill-equipped to chew gum.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred and Will T. Laughlin, who jointly win a special Limerick Puzzle/Repartee Award for this limerick exchange, which begins with Steve’s puzzle in multi-verse limerick form and ends with Will’s solution, also in multi-verse limerick form:
Steve Whitred:
So this week when the rhyme word is hum
And I’ve o’er used ‘cum’, ‘dum’, ‘thumb’, and ‘bum’.
A conundrum I’ll pose.
Will you solve it, who knows?
I suspect though, it’s too tough for some.
Now the gears in my head start to hum,
As the clues for this puzzle forth come.
You’ve got 12 coins of gold,
But there’s one that is old.
It’s weight’s off from the rest, by a crumb.
You’ve a scale (not of music to hum).
It’s two pans on a chain, and it’s plumb.
With this scale weigh the gold
‘Till at last you behold
The coin others are different from.
If at this point you’re all thinking hummm…,
Here’s a clue to begin, don’t be glum.
Place some coins in each pan.
If they balance you can
Safely say that it’s not in that scrum.
Since you now see this isn’t ho-hum,
One more thing, please don’t think I’m a bum.
The odd coin may be light
Or just overweight, slight.
And three weighing’s the goal. Good luck chum.
Will T. Laughlin:
Here’s the method that I would employ:
Choose *any* two coins, Steve my boy…
Take one coin (your choice),
Weigh it avoirdupois,
And then measure the other in troy.
No, no: please don’t give me a beating.
I know that this method is cheating.
If you’d rather instead,
I’ll try using my head…
(Quite a change from my usual bleating).
– ahem –
Put six and six pieces of eight
On the scales, and determine their weight.
You’ll notice one side
Slightly higher will ride:
That’s the side we’ll be working with. Great:
Take the coins from the light side, and see
How they measure up, weighed three and three.
Once again you’ll behold
That there’s one tray of gold
Slightly lighter, comparatively.
Now the answer’s so clear it could bite one:
The lighter half must have the right one.
So compare one and one.
If they’re equal, you’re done;
If they’re not, then you just choose the light one.
(You can read Steve’s solution to his own puzzle here in prose form.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Colleen Murphy, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Johanna Richmond, Sue Dulley, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
Beethoven first started to hum
As a child when he still sucked his thumb.
As he crawled on the floor,
He’d come up with a score.
His FIRST tune was “Dot dot dot dum.”
Colleen Murphy:
My brother would constantly hum,
Crack knuckles, blow bubbles, and drum.
Then wonder why dating
Was so darned deflating,
As girlfriends would leave when he’d come.
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
Just as things were beginning to hum,
Along came a fellow so dumb:
He chose a fine cello
With tone sweet and mellow.
With pick he then started to strum.
David Lefkovits:
A fellow would constantly hum
The chorus from “Under My Thumb.”
He said, with a swagger,
“My moves are like Jagger;
Just see how I’m shaking my bum.”
Johanna Richmond:
To the dentist who’d constantly hum
While poking and prodding her gum:
She cried, “Hate to sound sore
But just how much more
Anesthesia would make my ears numb?”
Sue Dulley:
The lobby was starting to hum.
Reporters closed in for the scrum.
But soon all were vexed
When “No comment” and “Next?”
Were the closest to answers they’d come.
Robert Schechter:
My girlfriend would constantly hum
During sex, and it bothered me some.
One day I asked why,
And she said with a sigh,
“I’ll sing you the words when I come.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Robert Schechter, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 7 Comments »
Sunday, April 14th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The ardent date’s blowing his stack
Cuz his signals were all out of whack.
He said “What can I do
That will satisfy you?”
So she asked, “Can you fix me a snack?”
Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A reader was offered a stack
Of books going several years back.
A few were hard cover
Like “Lady C’s Lover,”
While some were soft porn (paperback).
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Diane Groothuis, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Craig Dykstra, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Sue Dulley, and Will T. Laughlin
Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Diane Groothuis:
A woman was blowing her stack,
Cuz her husband did not have the knack
Of withholding the gas
He’d repeatedly pass,
And she said “If I want it I’ll frack”.
Jamie Hutchinson:
A plumber was blowing her stack
At a fellow who thought her a quack:
“The proof’s in my work!
And anatomy, jerk,
Is the reason you can’t see my crack!”
Johanna Richmond:
A woman was blowing her stack:
“I want my virginity back!
After only one squeeze,
He spilled his valdez.
That romeo isn’t worth jack!”
Craig Dykstra:
To his wife, the ex-Gov blew his stack
‘Cause their two-person costume was whack.
He gave her the front
And said “Hate to be blunt
But I’m Ahnuld and so … I’ll be back.”
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
A woman was blowing her stack
When she heard that her stalker was back.
“When I get up each morn
I go garden my corn.
I will cut off his stalk with a whack!”
Sue Dulley:
A glamorous gal has a stack
Of nightgowns, short, silky and black.
But her beau (he’s confessed)
Likes her burlap-bag dressed.
Why? “Because she’s the best in the sack.”
Will T. Laughlin:
A fellow was trying to stack
His triplets, each one on its back,
Saving trouble and toil
For the visiting mohel–
Circumcising all three in one whack.
(There once was a klutz of a mohel
Who sneezed in the midst of his tohel.
He peered down at the boy,
Then turned pale, and said: “Oy,
Mrs. Greenbaum? You now have a gohel.”)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Craig Dykstra, Diane Groothuis, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 7 Comments »
Sunday, April 7th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A baker I met buying bread
Must love how I treat him in bed:
Has “Fredrico Fellini”
Tattooed on his weenie,
But his wife thinks it only says Fred.
Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Do lim’ricks attract the ill-bred?
I can only infer from Craig’s spread:
If your reader can’t chew it
Tattoo it or screw it,
Forget it, you ain’t got no cred.
Congratulations to Sue Dulley and Will T. Laughlin, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Sue Dulley:
A guy from the States, not ill-bred,
To a person from Canada said:
If you must pronounce Zee
Like it’s spelt Z-E-D,
Then why not say “A-Bed-Ced-Ded?”
Will T. Laughlin:
Dear Sue: In the U.S. we’re bred
To say ‘zee’ where all others say ‘zed’:
“A-Bed-Ced” is absurd,
Or our hymn would be heard
At the ball game: “Oh, say, can you said?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) RJ Clarken, Fred Bortz, Jim Gallagher Stephen Gold, Will T. Laughlin, Bone, Steve Whitred, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Rj Clarken:
A gal who was rather ill-bred
Sought lessons, since she was unread.
So with rain found in Spain
She became more urbane,
‘Though the song is still stuck in her head.
Fred Bortz:
A limerick contest on bread
Hurts this Pesach observer’s poor head.
Let’s revolt against Kane
For causing such pain
And write some on matzo instead.
Jim Gallagher:
He wryly de-floured her bread,
Then kneaded her sweet rolls instead.
He started to tickle
Her sweet pumpernickel,
Carawaying her right into bed.
Stephen Gold:
A man who was rather ill-bred
Told his girl he would love to be wed.
When she sighed,”I would too,”
He replied, “Not to you!”
And went off with her sister instead.
Will T. Laughlin:
They woke up their roommate ill-bred:
“Get up! Carpe diem!” they said.
He replied, “Carpe NOCTEM,”
Rolled over, and shocked ‘em:
Their girlfriends were with him in bed!
Bone:
A fellow who liked to bake bread
Was suddenly filled with great dread.
His wife’s yeast infection
Cause great circumspection.
Now he uses self-rising instead.
Steve Whitred:
A woman who liked to bake bread
Met a pottery artist named Ted.
Now he butters her rolls
And she fondles his bowls,
While his kiln and her oven glow red.
Sue Dulley:
Some people lived mostly on bread
And much of the time went unfed.
They appealed to ‘la reine’
To help with their pain.
All she told them was, eat cake instead.
I went to the Safeway for bread.
It made sense what Marie A. had said!
The pound cake cost less
Than a loaf, so I guess…
No more toast, I’ll make trifle instead.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bone, Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Jim Gallagher, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, RJ Clarken, Stephen Gold, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 8 Comments »
Sunday, March 31st, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A bell-ringer, lusty and bold,
Wished a lass in his arms to enfold.
But a bell made of brass
Fell and flattened his ass:
Said the girl, “Now his tail has been tolled!”
Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who win the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Spring is sprung, can the snow now please vanish,
And sunshine our discontent banish?
As of now it makes sense
To get ourselves hence
Somewhere warm where the people speak Spanish.
Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who also wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A woman was terribly bold,
Catching looks on the street as she strolled.
She made some eyes pop
In a skimpy crop-top,
With her jeans hanging low and be-holed.
Congratulations again to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
PRINTER’S DEVIL (A typographical soap opera)
There once was a Courier Bold
Who was, at Times, Roamin’, I’m told;
For he had that Type Face
That led gals to disgrace,
And his Serifs? A joy to behold.
At the end of the line, smooth as talcum,
He’d find Widows and Orphans, and stalcum.
Then he’d woo them a while
In a Goudy Old Style,
‘Til at home he was no longer walcum.
His wife Arial, sick with frustration,
Was burning with humiliation.
“I’ll Gill him!” she cried,
And went flush on each side
(For she knew she had Justification).
Her husband soon learned to beware her,
And went all italic in terror.
Claimed he, “What you’ve heard
Is completely absurd:
It’s a mere typographical error!”
But his wife cried, “Too late! I don’t care if
You deny it, or call for the sheriff!”
Her fury still burning,
She tightened his kerning…
(Her husband is now a Sans-Serif).
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kathy El-Assal, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Johanna Richmond, Robert Schwarztrauber, Tom Hale, Charley Simmons, Colleen Murphy, and Jared Wright. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kathy El-Assal:
Old Man Winter’s been blust’ry and bold,
Causing many complaints about cold:
“We miss seeing green
So stop being mean
And let global warming unfold!”
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
Spring flutters in, fabulous flirt,
Flicks winter’s last snows from her skirt.
Released from storm’s prison,
Our garden hopes risen,
We neighbors are sharing the dirt.
Johanna Richmond:
As metaphors go, this one’s bold,
But it’s time, guys, our story is told.
You want your gal peaking?
Hold off headline seeking –
The best news is under the fold.
Robert Schwarztrauber:
A girl who was terribly bold,
Picked the pockets of men as she strolled.
The men were all pleased
When their butt cheek got squeezed,
‘Til they found later on they’d been rolled.
Tom Hale:
A woman who frequently bowled,
Got frostbitten fingers—that’s cold.
Said, “I ain’t defeated:
My toes were well heated!”
And boldly with tootsies she rolled.
Charley Simmons:
A man who was terribly bold
Rolled nine strikes in a row, I’ve been told.
He leaped in the air,
With arrogant flair,
Racked his balls, now his game is on hold.
Colleen Murphy:
The first time I went out and bowled
My strike count, it tallied ten-fold.
My shocked friends inquired
Just what had transpired.
I answered, “Well, that’s how I rolled!”
Jared Wright:
A Catholic terribly bold
One day from the pulpit extolled
The Jacks and the Jills
Who didn’t use pills
Affirming their births uncontrolled.
“And condoms one ought to refuse,”
He added, expounding his views.
“Leave sex ‘open-ended’
The way God intended,
Don’t ‘cover your head’ like the Jews!”
But some of the women who heard
Considered the teachings absurd.
So when their brave knights
Sought conjugal rights,
The womenfolk boldly demurred.
Still as we all know God endows
The menfolk whom women espouse
With failures to purge
Themselves of the urge,
Or add celibacy to their vows.
So one may behold the effects
Of following @pontifex:
As sure as my nose
The Cath’lic Church grows
When billions of faithful have sex!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Charley Simmons, Colleen Murphy, Jared Wright, Johanna Richmond, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Robert Schwarztrauber, Sue Dulley, Tom Hale, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contests
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 6 Comments »
Sunday, March 24th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Jeff Davis was angered to read
Not so much that the slaves had been freed,
But that Unionists were
On the To-line—O slur!—
And secessionists only cc’d.
Congratulations to Sue Dulley and Marty McCullen, who tied to win this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Sue Dulley:
A student, while trying to read
In the bathroom (the book was “Candide”)
Heard “Come play this game
Testing balance and aim!”
So he put down his novel and Wii’d.
Marty McCullen:
A fellow was trying to read
The Bio of great Sammy Snead,
But he would just stutter
When using the putter.
At best he was fit to be teed.
Congratulations to Ailsa McKillop, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
A fellow was trying to read
And make sense of instructions decreed
In the cookbook: “With glove on
“Take joint from the oven.
“To now baste the meat you will need.”
At your peril true meaning ignore.
Do not do what he did, I implore!
At the critical point
He took out the joint
And a rolling pin out of the drawer.
With common sense no more than fleeting
And eager to improve on the eating,
In mistaken belief
This would tenderize beef,
He gave it an out-and-out beating!
So there is the beef, on its platter
Misshapen, askew (and much flatter.)
He should at this point
With its juices anoint
The roast dinner – to “baste”, not to “batter”!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Edmund Conti, Will T. Laughlin, Sue Dulley, Colleen Murphy, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, and Nelderini. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Edmund Conti:
A fellow was trying to read
Of a man who was trying to breed
On someone’s behalf
(and here you can laugh)
Intercede? Yes indeed. Enter seed.
Will T. Laughlin:
The Bishop was trying to read
The words of the Catholic Creed.
But the words “unum Deum”
Came out, “Iam Gayum” –
A stunning confession indeed.
Sue Dulley:
In a joke I once happened to read:
Descartes and a friend drank some mead.
Said the friend: “One more, eh?”
“I think not,” said René,
Then vanished with infinite speed.
Colleen Murphy:
My stepson was wanting to read,
An abnormal desire indeed,
Until I discovered
The girls were uncovered.
Seems his “book” met a less learned need.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A fellow was trying to read
The book “What to Do When You’re Treed.”
He looked down at the bear
And he thought, “Do I dare
Ask HIM for the glasses I need?”
Johanna Richmond, who sends a “get well” limerick to our friend and fellow Limerick-Offer, Steve Whitred:
Dear Steve, I’m so sorry to read
You’ve been ill — that’s a pity indeed.
Wishing speedy relief;
Hope your absence is brief
Or our lim’rick-off might go to seed!
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
A farmer was trying to read
Of hybrids, a skill he might need.
“Two plants get together
But will I know whether
Each seed will be glad to con-seed?”
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
A woman was trying to read
The stocks that may lag or may lead.
Said she: “I don’t care
For the bull or the bear,
As long as I’m in the stampede.”
Nelderini:
A woman was trying to read
The number of caplets she’d need
To clear her congestion.
“‘How bany?’s da question
To stob wit da cough an’ da sneed!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty McCullen, Nelderini, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 10 Comments »
