Posts Tagged ‘Jane Shelton Hoffman’
Saturday, November 5th, 2011
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. (I’m a bit early this time because I’m not sure if I’ll have any Internet access Sunday.) I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to BRUCE NIEDT who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:
A fellow who just let it slip –
“I’m the captain on this ocean trip!” –
Caught the ear of a minx,
So that if the boat sinks,
You might say she’ll go down with the ship!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Robert Schechter, and Madeleine Sara Maddocks. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A woman who just let it slip
To her boyfriend that she used to strip.
Heard him shout ,”How’d you dare
Dance and lay it all bare
When for me you won’t even unzip!”
Robert Schechter:
A fellow who just let it slip
That the moyel took too big a snip,
Said, “Now my son Earl
Is my dear daughter, Pearl.
That does it! The man blew his tip.”
Madeleine Sara Maddocks:
A fellow who just let it slip
That he liked nothing more than to strip
Was arrested one day
With his parts on display
When he failed to remember his zip.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Tags: Bruce Niedt, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Limerick Of The Week, Madeleine Sara Maddocks, Robert Schechter, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week | 7 Comments »
Sunday, October 30th, 2011
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to DAVID MCCORMICK a/k/a AdamantYves who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:
A woman was telling a tale
Of a date with a flesh-grabbing male:
‘Told him, “You with the paws!
“Don’t go thinking because
“This date’s ‘blind’ it’s okay to use Braille!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Bruce Niedt, Emily a/k/a Looking For Roots, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Ira Bloom, Robert Schechter, and Ruth Henson Feder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Robert Basler:
A fellow was telling a tale
On his big application to Yale:
He had biked across France,
Taught the lame how to dance,
And drunk rum from the real Holy Grail.
Bruce Niedt:
A fellow was telling a tale
Of a wolf bite he got on the trail.
“I’ll feel much better soon —
Hey, is that the full moon?”
Now he’s growing a snout and a tail.
Emily a/k/a Looking For Roots:
A fellow was telling a tale,
But the plot had the pace of a snail.
His friends all walked out,
And he started to pout
‘Cuz his whale of a tale was a fail.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A woman was telling a tale
Of the crowds at an underwear sale.
She pushed, shoved, and hit
Just for one bra that fit
And emerged much more perky, but pale.
Ira Bloom:
A fellow was telling a tale,
Of a harlot he’d chanced to impale:
“I had this erection;
Alas! No protection!
Next I knew, I was lifting her veil.”
Robert Schechter:
A fellow was telling a tale
Which he tried hard to peddle. No sale,
For the folks in his state
Learned he’d gone on a date
Though he’d claimed he’d been hiking a trail.
Ruth Henson Feder:
A woman was telling a tale
‘Bout a piss-poor excuse for a male
Who was three hours late
On their very first date,
Stiffed the bill, and was thrown into jail.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Tags: Bruce Niedt, David McCormick, Emily a/k/a Looking For Roots, Ira Bloom, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Ruth Henson Feder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week | 9 Comments »
Saturday, October 22nd, 2011
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A woman who’d taken a shot
At the bar with a tall, rugged Scot
Was just starting to flirt
When she peeked up his skirt
And exclaimed, “Is that all that you’ve got?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jesse Levy, Johanna Richmond, Shawn Thorsen, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Colleen Murphy, and RJ Clarken. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jesse Levy:
A fellow who’d taken a shot
At an opened up Senator’s slot
Got caught in a scandal
Involving a sandal.
A shoe-in I guess he is not!
Johanna Richmond:
A fellow who’d taken a shot
At his neighbor’s antique flower pot
Got a nasty surprise
For that move-not-so-wise:
Steamin’ St Bernard poop through his slot.
Shawn Thorsen:
A woman who’d taken a shot
Of some brew from a simmering pot
Grew a prehensile tail
And oozed slime like a snail …
T’was a gastropod monkey, begot!
Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:
A fellow who’d taken a shot
At writing still searched for a plot.
“I am sure I”ll be fine
When I find that first line!”
Do editors wait? They do not!
Colleen Murphy:
A fellow who’d taken a shot
Had practiced his shooting a lot.
But he still had no aim
When he shot at his game,
So he ended with naught in his pot.
RJ Clarken:
A fellow who’d taken a shot
At crashing a chi-chi night spot
Paid a thou for a drink
And much more for ‘wink-wink.’
The next day? Just a sot with no pot.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Tags: Colleen Murphy, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jesse Levy, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, RJ Clarken, Shawn Thorsen, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 8 Comments »
Sunday, October 16th, 2011
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:
A fellow at work on a case
Dressed his client in white pearls and lace.
But her prints on the gun
Proved she was the one.
“Burn in hell!” shrieked the host Nancy Grace.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, Johanna Richmond, and Rachel Hoyt a/k/a Rhyme Me A Smile. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
A woman at work on a case
Of a guy who was gone with no trace
Was intrigued by the clue
That his sexy wife, Sue,
Wore a satisfied smirk on her face.
David McCormick:
A fellow at work on a case
Yelled, “What hamfister sketched out this face?!
“Suspect’s eyes/ears transposed?!
“Two-tone lips?! Double-nosed?!” …
“Name’s Picasso, he’s new round the place.”
Johanna Richmond:
A fellow at work on a case
Galactic’ly tumbled from grace:
Through judicial robe zipper
Out slipped the big dipper
When “All rise!” reverbed through the place
Rachel Hoyt a/k/a Rhyme Me A Smile: (related news story)
A woman at work on a case
Had Batman show up at her place.
Said he saw in the sky
The bat signal (no lie)
But she just didn’t trust his thin face.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Tags: David Lefkovits, David McCormick, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Of The Week, Rachel Hoyt, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week | 6 Comments »
Saturday, October 8th, 2011
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog, on Facebook, and on GooglePlus) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to J COSMO NEWBERY who wins Limerick of the Week for this very clever verse:
A guy in the mood for a bite
Ate a candle and half a flashlight.
“I’m on a new diet,
I urge you to try it,
Now I’m lighter but not very bright.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Veralynne Bosko Pepper, RJ Clarken, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Mark Megson, and Pari Cooper. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Veralynne Bosko Pepper:
A guy in the mood for a bite
Stepped out, in a cape, for the night.
It was foggy and gray.
WOW! He LOVED it that way!
Let’s see now … whose neck’s the right height?
RJ Clarken:
A gal in the mood for a bite
Gets a call for a dinner invite.
Andrew Zimmern’s her date:
Bizarre food’s on the plate.
Change of mood. She says, “Fasting tonight.”
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A guy in the mood for a bite
Told a gal who was not very bright,
“Just give me a taste
Of your soft, little waist,
and I promise that’s all for the night.”
Mark Megson:
A guy in the mood for a bite
Found a tasty one during his flight:
The air hostess’s rear
Was deliciously near.
He gave the poor girl quite a fright.
Pari Cooper:
A gal in the mood for a bite
Thought she’d thaw something out for that night.
When she opened the freezer,
The sight didn’t please her.
In fact she lost all appetite.
When the stench from the box hit the air,
She thought she saw something like hair!
A whole body dismembered,
But then she remembered,
She’d bought Dahmer’s old Frigidaire!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Tags: J Cosmo Newbery, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Limerick Of The Week, Mark Megson, Pari Cooper, RJ Clarken, Veralynne Bosko Pepper, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week | 6 Comments »
Saturday, September 24th, 2011
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to RJ CLARKEN who wins Limerick of the Week for this very clever verse:
A guy who was fast on his feet
Courted courtesan gal Marguerite.
He danced her, romanced her
And then he unpantsed her.
Camille? Il est très bittersweet.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Earlybird, Scott Crowder, Daisy Mae Simon, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A guy who was fast on his feet
Was viewed as a sexual treat.
But the ladies agreed
His incredible speed
Disappointed them under the sheet.
Earlybird:
A gal who was fast on her feet
Decided to learn how to tweet.
Her fingers are fitter
From learning to Twitter.
But she never gets up from her seat.
Scott Crowder:
A guy who was fast on his feet,
Took the sportscaster gal to his suite,
And made hot, dirty love,
With the soon to be Guv.
Just a wild mama grizzly in heat.
Daisy Mae Simon:
A guy who is fast on his feet
Will appear on TV to compete
Despite onemillionmoms
Raising outrageous qualms.
A huge win for Chaz B. would be sweet!
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
A gal who was fast on her feet,
When caught in a clinch indiscreet,
Said: “My dear, I am told
That the cure for a cold
Is to heighten one’s bodily heat.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Tags: Daisy Mae Simon, David Lefkovits, Earlybird, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Limerick Of The Week, RJ Clarken, Scott Crowder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week | 6 Comments »
Sunday, September 11th, 2011
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to Ira Bloom who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:
A fellow was trying to dine
On a meat which he couldn’t define.
It was beaten with mallets
And sauteed with shallots;
For roadkill, he thought it divine.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, Johanna Richmond, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Linda Scheller, Charles Mashburn a/k/a Marbles In My Pocket, and Neal Pattison. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
David McCormick:
A fellow was trying to dine.
Of his sirloin, there still was no sign;
Told the waiter his plight,
“Will I sit here all night?”
“Oh no, sir, we close up at nine.”
Johanna Richmond:
A woman was trying to dine
When her date, a bit touched by the wine,
Took dessert down below
Where she heard him cry, “Whoa,
Crème brûlée never tasted so fine!”
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A woman was trying to dine
When he whispered, “These breasts are so fine.”
Her face got beet red.
From the table she fled.
But he just meant his Chicken Divine.
Linda Scheller:
A fellow was trying to dine
On his caviar, fois gras and wine.
He looked through the glass,
Saw a match-selling lass
And then muttered, “Oh well. I’ve got mine.”
Charles Mashburn:
A fellow was trying to dine
But mostly he drank lots of wine,
Became quite unstable,
Slipped under the table.
His wife said, “Oh no, he’s not mine.”
Neal Pattison:
A man who was trying to dine.
Saw his fork had a speck on one tine.
Was it pepper or spice?
Was it rats? Was it mice?
He decided to stick with the wine.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions. It was an especially strong group of poems, and I had a very tough time choosing.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Tags: Charles Mashburn, David McCormick, Ira Bloom, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Scheller, Neal Pattison, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week | 3 Comments »
Sunday, September 4th, 2011
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:
A fellow who felt he’d been had
Complained of a misleading ad.
“It never did rise
Or double its size
Even though she was scantily clad!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Amy Barlow Liberatore a/k/a Sharp Little Pencil, David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, Kerri Anderson, and RJ Clarken. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Johanna Richmond:
A woman who thought she’d been had
By her dubious date, “Man from Glad,”
Found his fetish for plastic
Sincere, not bombastic:
His meatballs were sandwich bag clad.
Amy Barlow Liberatore:
A woman who felt she’d been had
Gazed out of the window, quite sad.
Her millionaire dream,
A big Ponzi scheme.
Her slick lover was two times a cad.
David McCormick:
A woman who felt she’d been had
Told the Judge, “Kissed some frog on a pad.
“Well, next thing I seen
“Was this ugly, old queen
“Not the ‘handsome, young prince’ in his ad”.
Kerri Anderson:
A woman who felt she’d been had
Did say to her mother, “I’m sad.
“I’ve cooked and I’ve cleaned,
“I’ve primped, pressed and preened,
“But the only man ’round here is Dad.”
RJ Clarken:
A fellow who felt he’d been had
Re buying a dubious ‘Strad’
Found his authentication
Lacked substantiation.
Oh fiddlesticks! He was sure mad.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Tags: Amy Barlow Liberatore, David McCormick, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Kerri Anderson, Limerick Of The Week, RJ Clarken, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week | 9 Comments »
Saturday, August 27th, 2011
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to DAVID MCCORMICK a/k/a AdamantYves who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:
A fellow who tended to brag
Blustered, “Ski slalom Gold? In the bag!”
But he met a sad fate
When, at the last gate,
He zigged when he needed to zag.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, RJ Clarken, and Jane Shelton Hoffman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Johanna Richmond:
A woman who tended to brag
Hoped her bra hid her sizable sag,
But the long straps and clips
She hooked up to her hips
Bobbed her boobs with each derriere wag.
RJ Clarken:
A woman who tended to brag
All about her ‘Kate Spade’ shoulder bag
Discovered … a fraud!
Yes, she saw it was flawed:
The name was misspelled on the tag.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A woman who tended to brag
Said she’d been in a bachelor mag
As not only the cover,
But Most Wanted Lover,
Even though she was starting to sag.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Tags: David McCormick, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Of The Week, RJ Clarken, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Sunday, July 3rd, 2011
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. (This limerick challenge apparently got you all fired up because your submissions were unusually strong.) I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to ALTONIAN who wins Limerick of the Week for this very clever verse:
A fellow was playing with fire
When asked to milk cows in the byre.
He gave a great pull.
‘Twas no cow but a bull.
That’s how you end up in the mire.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Altonian. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Johanna Richmond: (Two Honorable Mentions for Johanna this week)
A woman was playing with fire
When she sought to rekindle desire;
Though she turned up the heat
Sex was strictly Dutch Treat;
Seems her man didn’t like to perspire.
Johanna Richmond:
Old Midas was playing with fire
By insulting the guy on the lyre;
When that guy is Apollo,
Best shut up and follow
Or donkey ears you shall acquire.
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
A fellow was playing with fire
In transferring money by wire
In hundreds of G’s
To a bank in Belize,
Where he secretly hoped to retire.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A fellow was playing with fire
And burned down the church in his shire.
When Robin Hood came,
He said, “I’m not to blame!
It must have been your friend, the friar!”
Altonian: (A double win for Altonian too)
A woman was playing with fire
When she thought she was all men’s desire.
She tried vamping one day
With a man who was gay
It was easy for him to deny her.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Tags: Altonian, David Lefkovits, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Of The Week, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 6 Comments »
Sunday, May 8th, 2011
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and five Honorable Mentions:
Congratulations to Robert Basler who wins Limerick of the Week for this charming, not to mention artistic, verse:
A gal had to cancel her plan
To purchase some art by Rodin.
It turned out some stinkers
Made counterfeit Thinkers
Which they sold from the back of a van.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, Ron Mardix, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A guy had to cancel his plan
To make love on his girlfriend’s divan.
Her parents walked in
Shouting, “This is a sin!
Get your hands off our daughter, young man!”
Johanna Richmond:
A gal had to cancel her plan
To demolish the gingerbread man
When his raisin eyes pleaded
And pink lips proceeded
To yell, “Put me back in the pan!”
Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats:
A man had to cancel his plan
To relax on the beach, get a tan;
He was called in to work
(Yeah, the boss was a jerk)
So he’s still pasty white, in his van.
Ron Mardix:
A gal had to cancel her plan
To marry her boyfriend named Stan.
She has certain needs.
He “barely” succeeds.
Instead, off she ran with Sue-Ann.
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
A pol had to cancel his plan
For the banner beneath which he ran,
Which read that “Obama
Cannot find Osama,”
When now it appears: Yes, he can.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions. There were so many good ones, narrowing them down to the best six was big challenge.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
Tags: David Lefkovits, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Of The Week, Patrice Stewart, Robert Basler, Ron Mardix, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week | 13 Comments »
