Posts Tagged ‘Jamie Hutchinson’
Saturday, October 11th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JAMIE HUTCHINSON, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse, as well as the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for the same limerick:
My mouth is shut tight—not a crack—
Till my dentist can prove he’s no hack.
Then I see his degree
On the wall, and then we
Each say “Ah!” at the other one’s plaque.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, Jon Gearhart, Bob Dvorak, Byron Ives, Robert Schechter, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Tim James, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kirk Miller:
In the kitchen, came ants through the crack,
So the homeowner tried to fight back.
The Formica he sprayed;
Their advance was delayed.
Then the ants made a counter-attack.
Brian Allgar:
The dentist made many a crack
Concerning his hygienist’s rack.
He was put in his place
With a punch in the face;
Now his teeth are displayed on her plaque.
Diane Groothuis:
A dancer was trying to crack
A role in “Le cygne du lac”
But the swan flew away
Just turning to say
“The trouble with me is I’m black.”
Jon Gearhart:
Sexual stresses could cause you to crack
When you’re called to perform in the sack.
If you can’t raise your todger
To give her a roger,
You’ll soon know of a lass and a lack.
Bob Dvorak:
A fellow tripped over a crack,
Which caused him to land with a thwack.
This unabashed nut
Took a look at his butt;
Said, “I cracked it!” (Aww. Cut him some slack.)
Byron Ives:
My windshield just suffered a crack
From a dove with a now broken back,
Broken wing, beak, and neck
So I thought, what the heck…
Then I skinned him and grilled me a snack.
Robert Schechter:
My captors believed I would crack
When they stretched out my bones on the rack,
But I did not break
Till they threatened to make
Me eat a McDonald’s Big Mac.
Will Laughlin:
“So what if the aquifers crack,
And the water turns smelly and black?
So what if we’re killing
The earth with our drilling?
We honestly don’t give a frack!”
Allen Wilcox:
The dentist discovered a crack
In a tooth that was way in the back.
He said its small size
Wouldn’t win me a prize,
But he gave me a plaque for my plaque.
Tim James, in Chaucerian mode:
A gallant olde knyghte took a crack
At slaying a dragon. Alack!
For the fyre-breathing beest,
In the mood for a feest,
Made the fellow a well-toasted snack.
Johanna Richmond:
Bottom-line, your selected word “crack”
Has me itching, by god, to talk smack!
Poised to bring in the rear,
I may butt in right here
With this cheeky announcement: I’m baaaccckk!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Diane Groothuis, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Sunday, January 19th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Bob Dvorak, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A fellow was warned in advance
That she’d had every guy wearing pants.
“Sounds like my kind of quest,
This Community Chest.”
He got dressed, leaving nothing to Chance.
Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
An author’s substantial advance
For a book on carnivorous plants
Alas led him to doom
When consumed by a bloom.
All they found was a shoe and his pants.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Steve Whitred, Craig Dykstra, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Sallie McKenna, Jamie Hutchinson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kevin Ahern:
In Eden the way to advance
Was surely not just happenstance.
For Adam, his brief
Was a tiny fig leaf.
The man of the house wore the plants.
Steve Whitred:
Her sensual, sultry advance
And her walk, which was more like a dance,
The soft light on her hair
All gave wings to my care
That a package was there in her pants.
Craig Dykstra:
Vegetarians learn in advance
All those “don’t eat the animals” rants.
But I don’t avoid meat
‘Cause I like things with feet –
No, it’s just that I LOVE killing plants!
Byron Miller:
I rebuffed a flirtatious advance
From a wraith at a séance in France.
I could see through her clearly:
She did not love me dearly–
We hadn’t a ghost of a chance.
Sallie McKenna:
A fellow was warned in advance
To be sober when placing his plants;
He ignored what they said,
Then when sodding his bed,
Face-planted, his balance askance.
Jamie Hutchinson:
A waltzer turned down the advance
Of a fellow in tight-fitting pants:
“The place is so packed,”
She observed with great tact,
“We don’t have enough ballroom to dance.”
Tim James:
A gal lost a tidy advance
From some monks at an abbey in France
To compose something choral.
She couldn’t. The moral:
Don’t compete when you know you’ve no chants.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Byron Miller, Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Jamie Hutchinson, Kevin Ahern, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sallie McKenna, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, December 15th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
In the time I’ve grown old, I’ve grown round.
But here’s a dilemma I’ve found:
The young people swear
That I’ve also grown *square*.
The geometry doesn’t seem sound!
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this news-related limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
The story is getting around
And it’s bound to offend and dumbfound:
That interpreter guy
At Mandela’s goodbye?
A phony! How very unsound!
Congratulations to Mark Kane and Diane Groothuis, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Mark Kane:
We’re eager to both fool around
At a private discreet picnic ground.
So we lie on a table,
Although it’s not stable,
And push past the risks that abound.
Diane Groothuis:
There’s a problem with fooling around
At that somewhat discreet picnic ground.
You forgot about Tom,
The creep peeping scum
Who watches not making a sound.
Mark Kane:
As we rolled onto Tom, round and round,
He then squealed with a very loud sound!
Had he stayed out of sight,
Until day changed to night,
We might well have resumed on the ground.
(This is only a taste of a lengthy picnic limerick exchange on Facebook, including more limericks by Mark and Diane and a limerick by Fred Bortz.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Jon Gearhart,
Kathy El-Assal, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Robert Basler:
The Beach Boys sang, “I Get Around.”
It fit with the rest of their sound.
They went, “Wah wa ooo.”
Yeah, their lyrics were poo.
No one claimed they were ever profound.
Fred Bortz:
The limerick judge came around,
Saw my bribe, and declared I’d be crowned.
But I didn’t ponder
Her double entendre
‘Til her clop on my kopf did resound.
Tim James:
Rush Limbaugh is running around
Spouting nothing but fury and sound.
In view of his “talents”
The budget would balance
If bullsh*t were taxed by the pound.
Sue Dulley, whose limerick relates to this news item:
“Some women whose contours are round
In yoga pants should not be found.”
Goodbye Mr Chip!
This shot from your hip
Was by any stretch rather unsound.
Jon Gearhart:
The circus fat lady is round.
Her walking can punish the ground.
She’ll rise to great fame.
Rotunda’s her name.
Makes tons cause she’s paid by the pound.
Kathy El-Assal:
Affluenza is going around
Amongst those with a wealthy background.
Its symptoms? Not caring,
Great riches not sharing,
And finding that Ayn Rand’s profound.
Will T. Laughlin:
Sarah Palin? Why’s she still around?
She opens her mouth to expound,
And the nonsense spills out
In a meaningless rout,
Like a car never fully unclowned.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Diane Groothuis, Fred Bortz, Jamie Hutchinson, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mark Kane, Robert Basler, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Sunday, November 10th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Scott Crowder, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A woman who frequently strips
In CGI video clips
Will steal all your cache,
And your hard drive will crash
From her implanted silicon chips.
Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A nimble ecdysiast strips,
Crosses hands as she bends at the hips,
Grabs her feet, and then hears
The topologists’ cheers
At the Möbius championships.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Jamie Hutchinson, Chris Doyle, Ira Bloom, Will T. Laughlin, Craig Dykstra, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
Said a woman who frequently strips
To a man who tried fondling her nips:
“When my clothing I doff
You just keep your hands off!”
With that concept he can’t come to grips.
Jamie Hutchinson:
My bathroom needs anti-skid strips,
A safety mat, grab bars, and grips.
Gotta write down that list
Because — you get the gist —
My other head’s memory slips.
Chris Doyle:
A young nymphomaniac strips
As her therapist watches, then quips,
“See that couch over there?
Go lie down and prepare
For your very first Freudian’s lips.”
Ira Bloom:
A mohel, while pealing some strips,
During bris, is well known for his quips:
“For cheap circumcision,
There’s lots of derision.
I mostly just work for the tips.”
Will T. Laughlin:
I know of a rose bush that strips
Each night for the aphids and thrips.
You’ll say, “Will’s lost his mind;
Bushes can’t bump and grind!”
Well, rose bushes can. They’ve got hips.
Craig Dykstra:
She seeks men at the club where she strips,
To indulge her asphyxiate trips.
She says “Here’s what you do:
Grasp my throat ’til I’m blue.”
Yes, she really likes coming to grips.
David Lefkovits:
A woman who frequently strips
Was a dancer for stock market tips.
While she’d shake and she’d shimmy,
A trader named Jimmy
Would say what to buy on the dips.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chris Doyle, Craig Dykstra, David Lefkovits, Ira Bloom, Jamie Hutchinson, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Sunday, November 3rd, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Ah’m a-huntin’ for deer in my truck,
But this air rifle’s brung me no luck.
Grab a shotgun instead,
Shoot a twelve-pointer dead.
Get a little more bang for my buck.
Congratulations to Bruce Niedt, who wins the Special Halloween-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“A Halloween full moon is neat,”
Thought the werewolf, “I’ll go trick-or-treat!
They’ll think it’s a mask,
So they won’t even ask–
I’ll come home with a bag full of meat!”
Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
She hired Two Men And A Truck
When her marriage had run all amok.
As they set up her bed,
To the movers she said,
“Would you under the covers me…tuck?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Jamie Hutchinson, Steve Whitred, Chris Doyle, John Ramos, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, and Craig Dykstra. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Will T. Laughlin:
The immigrant hid in a truck
And over the border he snuck,
Lured by promise of wealth
And good care for his health.
You guessed it. He’s now a Canuck.
Jamie Hutchinson:
A croc said that she’d have no truck
With a toothless old muckety-muck:
“When the waterfowl light
And the time’s right to bite
A good bull puts his rows in a duck.”
Steve Whitred:
Being born in the back of a truck
Up in Canada isn’t bad luck:
In the fall they haul hay.
In the snow, they’re our sleigh.
And in summertime that’s where we … (I’m not writing that word on Mad’s blog.)
Chris Doyle:
“Try the brownies out back in my truck.
They’re the bomb; you’ve no need for Cold Duck,”
Said the host with a wink
To a gal with a drink.
“There’s a reason this party’s potluck.”
John Ramos:
A positive thinker named Steve
Stalked his victims on All Hallows’ Eve;
“To you, it’s an ax,”
He explained between whacks,
“But to me, it’s a goal to achieve.”
Kathy El-Assal:
For Halloween, at her new school,
Should she dress as a zombie or ghoul?
A vampire, a ghost?
Or maybe just boast,
“I’m Coultergeist, Tea Party tool!”
Kirk Miller:
“Anonymous writers don’t like
The wages they’re offered,” said Mike.
“If they don’t get more green,
Then on this Halloween
The ghost writers threaten to strike.”
Craig Dykstra:
I got cookies from guys dressed like genies,
And some Snickers® from girls in bikinis.
But I didn’t want food
From that politics dude–
Carlos Danger was handing out weenies.
Kirk Miller:
I’m spreading the Halloween news
Concerning which party to choose.
Mine’s bound to be dandy
With free food and candy,
But people should bring their own boos.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bruce Niedt, Chris Doyle, Craig Dykstra, Jamie Hutchinson, John Ramos, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Sunday, September 29th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
As she gathered the sheets in a wrap,
A lover spoke true to her chap:
“Your performance? — no cause
For thund’rous applause.
But it’s likely I gave you the clap.”
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A Sapphic was trying to wrap
A toy to be worn with a strap.
Then she wrote on the label:
“My dear darling Mabel,
D’ya wanna pretend you’re a chap?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Diane Groothuis, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Craig Dykstra:
The thief saw her fine ermine wrap
And her neckline that plunged to her lap.
Twixt her breasts was some bling,
But the thing was a sting;
He got caught in the ol’ booby-trap.
Diane Groothuis:
When the goy in the shul wore a wrap
And a blue and white yarmulke (cap),
Rabbi said in surprise,
“That is just a disguise.
Your book’s upside down my dear chap.”
Colleen Murphy:
Before you try learning to rap,
You should test out your skills with the snap.
If you can’t hold a beat
With your fingers or feet,
Then it’s likely the same with your yap.
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
A gal in an elegant wrap
Woke up from a 20-year nap.
She turned on the news
And shouted out: “Who’s
This White House mahogany chap?”
Patrice of the ManyCats:
She lunged for his knuckles: rap, rap!
“You know I won’t take any crap
When I’m your mean teacher!
You wanna play preacher?”
They grinned, then she sat on his lap.
Diane Groothuis:
Miss Muffett was eating a wrap
While sitting on Jack Horner’s lap.
She had finished two thirds
And gave some to the birds,
But to Jack said “No whey you poor sap.”
Tim James:
A guy used aluminum wrap
Tightly set on his head as a cap.
And just why’s that the case?
It blocks mind beams from space.
(His campaign to be Prez is on tap.)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, David Lefkovits, Diane Groothuis, Jamie Hutchinson, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Patrice Stewart, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest | 4 Comments »
Sunday, September 22nd, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Mick Jagger’s indeed in a fix
When St. Peter looks up and says “Nix!”
And the next thing Mick knows
He’s in Hell, where he rows
For eternity playing the Styx.
Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
My cat often gets in a fix;
He got crushed by a pile of bricks,
He got burned in a fire,
And squished by a tire –
I think his nine lives are at six.
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
Pig One’s in a terrible fix:
Lost his home (made of hay-and-straw mix)
When a Wolf wandered by
With a gleam in his eye,
And blew the house down just for kicks.
Pig Two had no time to affix
The mezuzah to *his* house (of sticks)
When the Wolf came to town
And he blew the house down…
(He was up to his usual tricks).
Said the Third Pig, “This problem I’ll fix
By building my house out of bricks.”
But the Wolf (Bad and Big)
Just foreclosed on the pig
And moved on to Pigs Four, Five and Six.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Craig Dykstra, Jamie Hutchinson, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, and Hogarth Hippolyte. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Johanna Richmond:
A man who demands a quick fix
(We’re talking down south in the sticks)
May ask for a “Hoover” —
A tricky maneuver —
Sounds cleaner than what it depicts.
Craig Dykstra:
A daredevil got in a fix
Because breakfast and highways don’t mix.
Now the poor guy is dead
And his epitaph read:
“Got his Kix® out on Route 66.”
Jamie Hutchinson:
A matchmaker needed a fix
When the matches she made didn’t mix.
So she set up online
And now business is fine:
Every match is a couple that clicks.
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
Bernanke is trying to fix
The economy, which he predicts
Will keep going sideways
Unless they provide ways
To goose it with stimulus tricks.
Will T. Laughlin:
Roger Ailes cried, “Please somebody, fix
This FAX machine. Something there sticks.”
You can fix the Fox FAX,
But a much better tack’s
To fix the faux facts that Fox picks.
Colleen Murphy:
A fellow got into a fix;
He was due home for dinner at six,
But he got home at eight,
Says his work made him late.
Then his wife saw the Instagram pics.
Hogarth Hippolyte:
A woman who needed a fix
Decided to fund it with tricks.
She went on the street
Hoping Johns she would meet,
But scored with a couple of Knicks.
Will T. Laughlin:
Cried the madam, “Well, we’re in a fix:
Of eight clients, you’ve scared away six.
You pull a live bunny
Right out of your… Honey,
You’re turning the wrong kind of tricks!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, David Lefkovits, Hogarth Hippolyte, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 7 Comments »
Sunday, August 25th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Scott Crowder, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The pressure was taking its toll.
I had neither a bong, nor a bowl,
And was sick to my heart
When my joint fell apart.
Regrettably, that’s how I roll.
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
The golf course had taken its toll
On a fellow whose lover was droll:
“You missed every green
And got drunk on nineteen.
Now you’ve bogeyed the twentieth hole.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Tim James, and Colleen Murphy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Steve Whitred:
Swimming circles was taking its toll,
Round and round in the same silly bowl.
She had only one wish:
To escape from her dish.
What she had was a clear bold fish goal.
David Lefkovits:
The Koreans may put in a toll
On the highway from Pyongyang to Seoul.
If the south side you’re on,
You could pay it in won;
In the north you can barter with coal.
Tim James:
There are some things I just have to thole:
When Mad’s rhyme words imbue me with dole.
(To decode: I must bear
Awful grief and despair.
Pompous speech here’s my primary goal.)
Colleen Murphy:
Too much smoking and sun take a toll.
Ask my girlfriend from Queens, bless her soul.
She was born a real cutie,
Turned into a beauty,
And now she resembles a troll.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Jamie Hutchinson, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Sunday, August 18th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
When asked why he dated a pair,
The bowler said “Don’t be a square:
My sex drive’s too much
For one girl so, as such,
I will frequently pick up a spare.”
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
When my eagle-eyed kid spied a pair
Of “bunny” ears high in the air,
I commended her keenness
But doubted the genus:
“It’s Chicago —- that must be a hare.”
Congratulations to Mark Kane, Sue Dulley, and Steve Whitred, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Mark Kane:
A Bartlett and Bosc, what a pair
Of pears for your pie, if you dare?
Or instead, bake a tart.
Enter both if you’re smart,
As your fare for this year’s country fair.
Sue Dulley:
If you’re baking a pie using pear
To compete in your county Fall Fair,
Bake another to eat
Just to check that it’s sweet,
And a third one – you may wish to share.
Steve Whitred:
To be fair to Mark, pies made with pear
Are a waste if they’re just made to share:
Mad’s averse to pies based
On their texture and taste,
As she’ll swear to all yet unaware.
Sue Dulley:
If our Mark baked a spare filled with pear
Or apple or peach, just to share,
And Mad wouldn’t bite,
It might still be all right—
Friends would flock to their flat for such fare.
Mark Kane:
Did they come for the laughs or the pear?
As they eat, it is clear what we share.
When I run out of pie,
And they leave, I’ll know why:
It’s not me but the fare. That’s not fair!
But one stays, and look at her pair!
I’m grinning, but try not to stare.
She puts down her plate,
And she soon seals my fate,
By getting us both very bare.
(Note from Mad Kane: For anyone suspecting marital bias in Mark’s getting this award, I gave him one, not because we’re married, but in spite of it.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Cyn, Kevin Ahern, Ira Bloom, Kirk Miller, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Steve Whitred, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Sue Dulley:
A woman was trying to pare
Her collection of dresses to wear,
For since she’s retired
They won’t be required
(Unless she begins an affair.)
Cyn:
A fellow who tried to repair
A couch that had seen too much wear
Got the job done so wrong
That he claimed, “All along
I was planning to make it a chair.”
Kevin Ahern:
On my trip to Helsinki — despair!
This story I’ve told everywhere:
Our luggage was lost
At a terrible cost.
It vanished right into Finn Air.
Ira Bloom:
A fellow who needed a pair,
(His had shrunk, in his wife’s angry glare!)
Was resolved to save face,
And put her in her place,
In his mind. But out loud? Au contraire.
Kirk Miller:
“The national budget I’ll pare,”
Said Dubya, who used lots of flair.
“It makes lots of sense
To cut our defense.
Change the Pentagon into a square!”
Jane Shelton Hoffmann:
A fellow had ordered a pair
Of women to come to his lair:
One blonde, one brunette,
But he seemed to forget
‘Twas a weekend his kids would be there.
Steve Whitred:
Forlornly she fondled his pair.
Then she said with her eyes all a-glare,
“In light of the linkage
Of old age to shrinkage,
I’ll bet that you color your hair.”
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
A fastidious English au pair
With a family who lived in Bel Air
Told the handyman, Paul,
That his tool was too small:
“In love,” she said, “awl is not fair.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Craig Dykstra, Cyn, David Lefkovits, Ira Bloom, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kevin Ahern, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mark Kane, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Sunday, July 7th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
You could plead, if you sat on the board
Of GM or Chrysler or Ford,
That they set as their bar
A dependable car,
But you never would reach an Accord.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
As a bride, Mrs Milton was bored.
To her dear husband John she implored:
“You wrote Paradise Lost.”
Then her legs she uncrossed.
“Now find paradise yet unexplored.”
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, sometimes given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
One day, when King Alfred was bored,
He put down his scepter and sword.
Forthwith the King called
To Bard Bertram the Bald:
“Soothe my soul with a comforting chord!”
The Bard began singing his song,
And the comforted King hummed along…
‘Til a jealous vizier
Whispered into his ear,
“Oh, Your Majesty! Something is wrong!”
“A rumor I’ve heard — a humdinger –
Says that Bertram is really a ringer!”
He continued, “I’ve heard
In his beard is a bird,
And the bird (not the Bard) is the singer!”
Cried King Alfred, “How thoroughly weird…
A Bard with a bird in his beard!”
So he gave a command
To the men close at hand
That the Bard should be taken and sheared.
Poor Bertram. It soon came to pass
That they shaved his face smoother than glass.
But the story absurd
Of the bearded Bard’s bird
Was just so much chin-music, alas.
Once Bertram was shaven, the King
Knew he’d done a regrettable thing.
The King had been careless,
And Bertram (the Hairless)
Was never again heard to sing.
So here is the moral, milord:
It’s a lesson that can’t be ignored.
If your Bard has a bird
In his beard, mum’s the word…
Or you’ll end up eternally bored.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, Ailsa McKillop, Sue Dulley, and Madeleine Sara Maddocks. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Craig Dykstra:
The newlyweds never got bored.
The bride often found herself floored.
And sofa’d, and bedded,
And dining room setted,
And once got mahogany doored.
Fred Bortz:
He insists, “No, my dear, I’m not bored.
In fact, I would say that I scored.”
She replies, “I’ve concluded
You must be deluded.
In less than a minute, you snored.”
Will T. Laughlin:
One day, when Jehovah was bored,
Deep shit on his servant he poured.
Cried Job, in his pain,
“I don’t mean to complain,
But you need a new hobby, O Lord!”
Colleen Murphy:
The newlywed said he was bored.
His statement could not be ignored.
The fellow, in truth,
Had wed Dr. Ruth.
She preached what she could not accord.
Ailsa McKillop:
Oh, I was so heartily bored!
As each actor received their award,
Such thespian gush
Heard in reverent hush—
Take me now, if it pleases you, Lord!
Sue Dulley:
In England, “I’m bawd” means they’re bored,
And when the tea’s “pawed” it’s been poured.
They only say R’s
That aren’t there (Mar and Pa’s).
If you told them that’s flawed, they’d be floored.
Madeleine Maddocks:
A woman felt terribly bored
By each conquest she entered and scored.
On a scale one to ten,
She would judge all her men
With a zero for any who snored!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Jamie Hutchinson, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Madeleine Sara Maddocks, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 9 Comments »
Saturday, June 29th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A peeping Venetian was fined,
So he hired a lawyer who whined:
“Your honor, that maid
Had adjusted her shade–
In effect, the Venetian was blind!”
Congratulations to Scott Crowder, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A fellow was trying to find
Why bigots can be so unkind.
It doesn’t take glasses
To see those big asses
Are more than a little behind.
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a Limerick Saga Award:
Mr. Rencible came home to find
His wife and his best friend entwined–
Man’s Best Friend, I should say,
An enormous Shar-Pei–
And the sight of it troubled his mind.
“Please stop it,” cried poor Mr. Rencible;
“Bestiality’s quite indefensible.
Oh, why go to hell
For a sin you can’t spell?
My darling, it just isn’t sensible!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Ailsa McKillop, Steve Whitred,
Tim James, and Danielle Nowlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Colleen Murphy:
I frequently wish I could find
The thoughts I have stored in my mind,
But when I hit play
Each thought’s gone away.
What I need is a stop and rewind.
Craig Dykstra:
“You got banned from the dance club and fined?
For tardiness? Why would they mind?”
“No, you misunderstand me–
I said that they banned me
For feeling a little behind.”
Ailsa McKillop:
A woman was thrilled with her find–
A skirt of pure silk, fully lined!
In the thrift shop—dirt cheap!
But oh, she could weep–
‘Twas unflatt’ring, when viewed from behind.
Steve Whitred:
Quite often her fingers would find
There’s a spot where the sun rarely shined,
And she might have got blisters
If not that the sisters
Had warned her, “It makes you go blind.”
Tim James:
A woman was angered to find
When driving, and hit from behind,
That the shock of the bump
Made her breast implants jump.
So now her front end’s misaligned.
Danielle Nowlin:
A girl on an airplane did find
She was feeling quite tightly confined.
She asked, “Sir, could you sit
With your seat up a bit?”
Said he rudely, “I’m not too inclined.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Danielle Nowlin, Jamie Hutchinson, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 8 Comments »
Sunday, April 14th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The ardent date’s blowing his stack
Cuz his signals were all out of whack.
He said “What can I do
That will satisfy you?”
So she asked, “Can you fix me a snack?”
Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A reader was offered a stack
Of books going several years back.
A few were hard cover
Like “Lady C’s Lover,”
While some were soft porn (paperback).
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Diane Groothuis, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Craig Dykstra, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Sue Dulley, and Will T. Laughlin
Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Diane Groothuis:
A woman was blowing her stack,
Cuz her husband did not have the knack
Of withholding the gas
He’d repeatedly pass,
And she said “If I want it I’ll frack”.
Jamie Hutchinson:
A plumber was blowing her stack
At a fellow who thought her a quack:
“The proof’s in my work!
And anatomy, jerk,
Is the reason you can’t see my crack!”
Johanna Richmond:
A woman was blowing her stack:
“I want my virginity back!
After only one squeeze,
He spilled his valdez.
That romeo isn’t worth jack!”
Craig Dykstra:
To his wife, the ex-Gov blew his stack
‘Cause their two-person costume was whack.
He gave her the front
And said “Hate to be blunt
But I’m Ahnuld and so … I’ll be back.”
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
A woman was blowing her stack
When she heard that her stalker was back.
“When I get up each morn
I go garden my corn.
I will cut off his stalk with a whack!”
Sue Dulley:
A glamorous gal has a stack
Of nightgowns, short, silky and black.
But her beau (he’s confessed)
Likes her burlap-bag dressed.
Why? “Because she’s the best in the sack.”
Will T. Laughlin:
A fellow was trying to stack
His triplets, each one on its back,
Saving trouble and toil
For the visiting mohel–
Circumcising all three in one whack.
(There once was a klutz of a mohel
Who sneezed in the midst of his tohel.
He peered down at the boy,
Then turned pale, and said: “Oy,
Mrs. Greenbaum? You now have a gohel.”)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Craig Dykstra, Diane Groothuis, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 7 Comments »
Sunday, March 24th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Jeff Davis was angered to read
Not so much that the slaves had been freed,
But that Unionists were
On the To-line—O slur!—
And secessionists only cc’d.
Congratulations to Sue Dulley and Marty McCullen, who tied to win this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Sue Dulley:
A student, while trying to read
In the bathroom (the book was “Candide”)
Heard “Come play this game
Testing balance and aim!”
So he put down his novel and Wii’d.
Marty McCullen:
A fellow was trying to read
The Bio of great Sammy Snead,
But he would just stutter
When using the putter.
At best he was fit to be teed.
Congratulations to Ailsa McKillop, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
A fellow was trying to read
And make sense of instructions decreed
In the cookbook: “With glove on
“Take joint from the oven.
“To now baste the meat you will need.”
At your peril true meaning ignore.
Do not do what he did, I implore!
At the critical point
He took out the joint
And a rolling pin out of the drawer.
With common sense no more than fleeting
And eager to improve on the eating,
In mistaken belief
This would tenderize beef,
He gave it an out-and-out beating!
So there is the beef, on its platter
Misshapen, askew (and much flatter.)
He should at this point
With its juices anoint
The roast dinner – to “baste”, not to “batter”!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Edmund Conti, Will T. Laughlin, Sue Dulley, Colleen Murphy, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, and Nelderini. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Edmund Conti:
A fellow was trying to read
Of a man who was trying to breed
On someone’s behalf
(and here you can laugh)
Intercede? Yes indeed. Enter seed.
Will T. Laughlin:
The Bishop was trying to read
The words of the Catholic Creed.
But the words “unum Deum”
Came out, “Iam Gayum” –
A stunning confession indeed.
Sue Dulley:
In a joke I once happened to read:
Descartes and a friend drank some mead.
Said the friend: “One more, eh?”
“I think not,” said René,
Then vanished with infinite speed.
Colleen Murphy:
My stepson was wanting to read,
An abnormal desire indeed,
Until I discovered
The girls were uncovered.
Seems his “book” met a less learned need.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A fellow was trying to read
The book “What to Do When You’re Treed.”
He looked down at the bear
And he thought, “Do I dare
Ask HIM for the glasses I need?”
Johanna Richmond, who sends a “get well” limerick to our friend and fellow Limerick-Offer, Steve Whitred:
Dear Steve, I’m so sorry to read
You’ve been ill — that’s a pity indeed.
Wishing speedy relief;
Hope your absence is brief
Or our lim’rick-off might go to seed!
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
A farmer was trying to read
Of hybrids, a skill he might need.
“Two plants get together
But will I know whether
Each seed will be glad to con-seed?”
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
A woman was trying to read
The stocks that may lag or may lead.
Said she: “I don’t care
For the bull or the bear,
As long as I’m in the stampede.”
Nelderini:
A woman was trying to read
The number of caplets she’d need
To clear her congestion.
“‘How bany?’s da question
To stob wit da cough an’ da sneed!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty McCullen, Nelderini, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 10 Comments »
Sunday, March 3rd, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Ira Bloom, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A gay fellow often will drone,
How his Android, on ‘vibe,’ makes him groan.
“As in ‘moan?'” asks his guys,
“Also ‘large'” he replies.
“‘Groan’ and ‘grown;’ it’s a fab homophone.”
Congratulations to Tim James and Sue Dulley, who jointly win the Special Oscar-Themed Limerick Award for their respective funny limericks:
Tim James:
Though “Lincoln” showed craft and élan,
And by critics was much smiled upon,
Despite all the spinning
Its chances of winning
Argoing, Argoing, Argone.
Sue Dulley:
The nominees, spruced up and styled,
Past red carpet cam’ras have filed.
They sit in their places
With faux-serene faces,
While the audience goes Oscar-wild.
Congratulations to Edmund Conti, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick.
A fellow would constantly drone
On and on in the same monotone.
And to make matters worse,
He would do it in verse
In the voice of Sylvester Stallone.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) SisterAE, Jim Gallagher, Craig Dykstra, Jamie Hutchinson, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Robert Schwarztrauber, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Sister AE:
A fellow who’d constantly drone
On the bagpipes when he was alone,
Had offended his girl
With the squeak and the skirl.
But he now tries his best to atone.
Jim Gallagher:
The airman maneuvered the drone
At his desk in an office, alone.
He struck them all dead
In an impulse of dread,
While he ordered Chinese on the phone.
Craig Dykstra:
Met this prig who just tended to drone
About surveys that “clearly have shown”
True New Yorkers have class,
But this wannabe ass
Really drives in each day from Bayonne.
Jamie Hutchinson:
Bend an ear to the paperclip drone:
By hook or by crook there’s a tone.
Those hairpins are bound
To report with some sound.
Why else would the French say “trombone”?
David Lefkovits:
A fellow who’d constantly drone
Of all the wild seeds he had sown
Increasingly found
That, as an old hound,
It’s harder to dig up a bone.
Robert Schwarztrauber:
A fellow who felt like a drone,
Rang the President up on the phone.
Said he wanted to spy
On his neighbor from high
When she’s out by the pool all alone.
Steve Whitred:
A woman would constantly drone
To her sis “Get a beau of your own”
Because, if she arose
To go powder her nose,
She’d return, and her date would be blown.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Craig Dykstra, David Lefkovits, Edmund Conti, Ira Bloom, Jamie Hutchinson, Jim Gallagher, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schwarztrauber, Sister AE, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 16 Comments »
Sunday, February 24th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
William Tell and his son on a roll
At the Lucky Strike Lanes set a goal:
At least spare every frame.
But their team had no name,
So we don’t know for whom the Tells bowl.
Congratulations to Kevin Ahern, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A woman is playing a role.
Getting tourists to Asia’s her goal.
The simple idea:
Advance her Korea,
Making bucks while she’s selling her Seoul.
And congratulations to Craig Dykstra and Johanna Richmond, who jointly win this special Limerick Repartee Award for their limerick exchange:
Craig Dykstra:
I just couldn’t get on a roll.
This week I fell short of my goal,
Which is: “Be so damn funny
That Mad gives me money.”
(Or at least get the ol’ gal to LOL.)
Johanna Richmond:
Craig D says he’s not on a roll,
But be careful, Craig, show some control:
Might get only *one win*
For committing the sin
Of calling our lovely host ol’!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Gary Hallock, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, John Peter Larkin, and David McCormick.
Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Gary Hallock:
A woman frets over her roll:
“Fine dining,” she says, “took its toll.
Over par at each course,
For I eat like a horse.
Now I look like I’m ready to foal.”
Edmund Conti:
A fellow was playing a role
Of being a merry old soul,
But found he’s not very
Inspired as merry
And asked, “Would you settle for droll?”
Jamie Hutchinson:
Some fossil requested a roll
Of film from a digital soul,
A green little brat,
Who said, “Batt’ry with that?
Or’s your camera powered by coal?”
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A woman tossed in a fresh roll
When she hadn’t the change for her toll.
It jammed the machine.
She was chased from the scene,
But she then buttered up the patrol.
Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:
An actor was playing the role
Of nasty pugnacious old troll
By shaking his spear
At everyone near
With Shakespeare his ultimate goal.
John Peter Larkin:
A fellow was eating a roll
While trying to pay a bridge toll.
The car hit a bump,
Which made his arm jump,
And that’s why he swallowed it whole.
David McCormick:
When a singer’s rehearsing a role,
“Know every song backwards!” he’s tol’.
That is why tenors hunger
For “Springtime Than Younger”
And basses for “River Man Ol’.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Craig Dykstra, David McCormick, Edmund Conti, Gary Hallock, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, John Peter Larkin, Kevin Ahern, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Steve Whitred, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 6 Comments »
Sunday, February 10th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A man who’d been recently canned
Was steamed to be dealt a bad hand.
After stewing inside,
He went out & got fried,
And ended up pickled as planned.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred who wins the Special Super Bowl-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The Super Bowl’s finally here.
Seems the hype has been building all year.
And while some think the game
Is exceedingly lame,
They’ll use any excuse to drink beer.
Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A man who was recently canned
Had squeezed a gal’s mammary gland.
He’d tried to insist
That he had just missed.
“I thought I was shaking her hand.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jim Gallagher, Johanna Richmond, Elaine Spall, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Steve Whitred, Bruce Niedt, Sue Dulley, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jim Gallagher:
My cat cannot bear food that’s canned,
Out of season, unseasoned or bland.
She won’t have a nibble
Or soupçon of kibble.
But gophers are gruesomely grand.
Johanna Richmond:
A senior home worker was canned
For thoughtfully lending a hand
To the ladies — their files
He kept in two piles:
“Still stressed” and “sufficiently manned.”
Elaine Spall:
Chef Ramsay, when served something canned
In a rest’rant he once thought was grand,
Showed his utter disdain
Using words quite profane.
Both the language and food should be banned.
Edmund Conti:
A fellow was recently canned
For being too high paid a hand.
And as he was fired,
A new man was hired.
And that’s how a Walmart is manned.
Jamie Hutchinson:
A limericker recently canned
As a stock clerk had one last demand:
She said she would need her
Handheld barcode reader
To ensure that her poetry scanned.
Steve Whitred:
To paraphrase Donald, “You’re canned!”
Pointing finger, mock pistol in hand.
It’s no TV show lout
That he’s talking about,
But his face in the mirror all tanned.
Bruce Niedt:
Says Charlie, who’s recently canned,
“It’s a fate that I do understand,
Though my hour is darkest,
I once worked for Star-Kist —
We tuna are much in demand.”
Sue Dulley:
A gambler was recently canned
And banned from the MGM Grand.
He made all his wins
Masquerading as twins,
While holding a queen in each hand.
Diane Groothuis:
An elephant had to be canned
For refusing to go on the stand.
He embarrassed the clown,
Disappointed the town,
And squirted green slime at the band.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bruce Niedt, David Lefkovits, Diane Groothuis, Edmund Conti, Elaine Spall, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jim Gallagher, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 7 Comments »
Sunday, February 3rd, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A mother steps out in the hall
As she breast-feeds her teenager Paul.
Well aware of the glares
And disparaging stares,
She declares, “Hey, you can’t wean ’em all!”
Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who also wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for a different limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
If a specter is haunting your hall
Or a wraith has you climbing the wall,
There’s a Ghostbuster crew
With a liquified goo
That will dampen your spirits—just call!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Jamie Hutchinson, Chris Doyle, Tim James, Ann Martin, Johanna Richmond, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A young thief was attempting to haul
The loot he’d obtained at the mall.
But he wasn’t too wise
Cause police know that guys
Won’t be pregnant and wearing a shawl.
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
Said a corpulent fellow named Hall,
Who was portlier than he was tall:
“It’s a myst’ry to me
How I came by E.D.;
In fact, I can’t grasp it at all.”
Jamie Hutchinson:
The mayor was out in the hall,
Getting high on his back by the wall.
“To judge from his manner,”
Suggested the planner,
“He won’t try to stop herb-and-sprawl.”
Chris Doyle:
A chorine who performs in a hall
In Paree has no booty at all.
She’s a kicking machine
And a dancer who’s lean.
(In the can can, your can can be small.)
Tim James:
Larry Craig entered Congress’s hall,
Backing right-wing designs above all.
But it stopped his advance
When he took a wide stance.
His career then went into a stall.
Ann Martin:
A student stepped into the hall
For he claimed he must heed Nature’s call;
But he whipped out his cell,
Phoned a friend: “Can you tell
The precise date of dear old Rome’s fall?”
Johanna Richmond:
An elderly bride in the hall
Married “Stretchy Tri-testicle Saul.”
’Twas her last day — they say
One went down the wrong way;
Well, at least she died having a ball.
Sue Dulley:
I’ve given up pacing the hall
And now I’ll just stare at the wall.
I have no Aleve
To help me conceive
A verse fit to share with you all.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ann Martin, Chris Doyle, David Lefkovits, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 9 Comments »
Sunday, January 27th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A woman would always come clean
With the truth to the men she had seen:
“I’ll say Yes but—don’t hate me—
The best way to date me
Is to measure my carbon 14.”
Congratulations to Bob Dvorak, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A woman who hated to clean
Checked the room of her typical teen,
Where she found seven plates,
Peanuts, walnuts, and dates,
And some ham, biologically green.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order): Johanna Richmond, Scott Crowder, Chris Doyle, Kathy El-Assal, Edmund Conti, Kirk Miller, Steve Whitred, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Johanna Richmond:
A president chose to come clean
In a red, white and very blue scene,
And the subtext was this:
Here’s my rear for a kiss,
GOP, if you think I’m still green.
Scott Crowder:
A woman who hated to clean,
Was a sex-hungry, lovin’ machine.
And the men she’d been dating,
Are anxiously waiting
For someone to find a vaccine.
Chris Doyle:
A leatherneck never comes clean
When he romps around town as a queen
In a dress and high heels
Getting liquored-up SEALs
To unwittingly do a marine.
Kathy El-Assal:
A librarian liked her books clean,
Preferring her pages pristine.
As for S&M porn,
She only had scorn
Fifty shades of bad writing? Obscene!
Edmund Conti:
Said a fellow who hated to clean
The gunk off his new guillotine,
“It’s a pain in the neck
Cleaning all of this dreck
Just to peel a small ripe tangerine.
Kirk Miller:
A comedian planned to come clean
In his stand-up. “My future routine
Won’t have cussing from me
‘Cause my humor,” said he,
“Unlike kids, should be heard, not obscene.”
Steve Whitred:
A fellow who hated to clean
Has created a washing routine.
Now he schedules each bath
Using log’rithmic math
So they’re fewer and farther between.
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
A young actress who wished to be “clean”
Was embarrassed to read on the screen
That it rated an X
Just because she had sex
In a scene that was seen as obscene!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Chris Doyle, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 11 Comments »
Sunday, January 20th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Kirk Miller, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
“There’s a raven that’s dead down below,”
Said the vulture. The eagle said, “No,
You are wrong as can be.”
So they flew down to see,
And the vulture was forced to eat crow.
(Please note that Kirk’s limerick technically violates my rules, by using my first line as his last line. But I liked his limerick so much, I chose it anyway.)
Congratulations to Robert Basler, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick:
A woman refused to eat crow
Or haggis, or broiled escargot.
The quite picky maven
Said, “Once I ate raven,
But never again! Never-mo!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Chris Doyle, Kathy El-Assal, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Steve Earp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Sue Dulley:
A baker refused to eat crow
For letting her business run low:
The bread wouldn’t rise
To a suitable size
Cuz the banker had frozen her dough.
Chris Doyle:
A caterer never ate crow
Though she served an hors d’oeuvre that caused woe.
Her “caviar emptor”
Was ruled to exempt her
If customers upchucked the roe.
Kathy El-Assal:
Ann Coulter refused to eat crow,
Finding left-wing critique oh-so-faux.
She just doubled down,
Knowing Fox News renown
Was the source from whence fortune would flow.
Jamie Hutchinson:
A blowhard who wouldn’t eat crow
Was convinced he was someone you’d know—
So much that he coughed
An objection (though soft)
When the coroner tagged him “John Doe.”
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A woman would frequently crow:
“Plastic surgery’s THE way to go.”
But her skin was so tight
She could not smile or bite.
And when folks saw her breasts, they’d say, “Whoa!”
Steve Earp:
A raven was mocked by a crow:
“You don’t know Mark Twain from van Gogh.”
But the crow could have cried
When the raven replied,
“Have you been the subject of Poe?”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chris Doyle, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Basler, Steve Earp, Sue Dulley, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 8 Comments »
Sunday, January 6th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A woman had made a long list
Of scents that were hard to resist.
She doused and she sprayed,
But never got laid
Cause a bath was a step she had missed.
Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins the Special New Year’s-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
New Year’s Eve is a time to reflect
On the things we would like to perfect,
So I vow, here and now,
If my lim’ricks don’t wow,
Then at least they will leave you erect.
This week, we have a Facebook Friends’ Choice Award tie between Jane Shelton Hoffman and Craig Dykstra. So congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, whose scent-filled limerick gets this additional recognition. And congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who co-won this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick:
The guests had been checked off the list.
Vows were read, bride and groom had been kissed.
Said the priest: “With these kisses,
You’re legally Mrs.
As of now, you are hereby dis-Miss’d.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Konrad Schwoerke, Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred,
Jamie Hutchinson, and Doug Harris. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Colleen Murphy:
A five-year-old read through his list
And noted what Santa had missed:
“No laptop computer,
Nor motorized scooter.”
Then thought, “Does he really exist?”
Konrad Schwoerke:
As Santa was checking his list,
He discovered a thing he had missed.
“Financiers, as a whole,
Should receive only coal.”
Read the latest North Poll — folks are pissed!
Chris Doyle:
Chubby Checker was making a list
Of the groupies he’d more than just kissed.
He grew wistful recalling
One evening of balling–
His very first Peppermint Tryst.
Steve Whitred:
There’s a new actuarial list
For some claims that will soon be dismissed.
In fact, now we are told
The disease “getting old”
Is among those we know pre-exist.
Jamie Hutchinson:
Said a doc, “At the top of my list—
My greatest success, I insist—
Was the time, with my knife,
When I saved a young life
By removing a man from a cyst.”
Doug Harris:
2012 left your body abused —
Cholesterol-ridden and boozed.
Can’t invent evolutions
Of new resolutions?
Use last year’s — still wrapped and un-used!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Doug Harris, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 6 Comments »
