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Limerick-Off Award (521)

Saturday, May 4th, 2024

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUSAN SETTJE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Every night when the hallway is black,
Naughty children are on the attack.
Is it army-men green?
Tiny marbles unseen?
No, tonight, I have stepped on a jack.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the ANNOYANCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Annoyances?! I’ve quite a few.
For a start, there’s that leak in the loo.
I’ve a regular flow,
As small gripes come and go,
But the big one’s still here, and it’s you!

Congratulations to JUSTIN OCONNOR, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.

My brain – it no longer has space.
There are things I will need to erase.
Yes, it’s time to eject
Stupid facts I collect
And let new pointless stuff take its place.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman, Terry Marter, Anthea Simick, Alice Lam, Bindy Bitterman, Tim James, Doug Harris, Justin OConnor, Jim Strossman, Tim Roberts, Jean McEwen, Marc Davidson, Bob Turvey, and Joan Perrin. Here their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: TACK/ATTACK-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though I sometimes will long to talk smack,
It is pointless to try; I’ve no knack.
When it’s my turn to diss,
I say something like this:
“Tell your Mother, go sit on a tack!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TACK/ATTACK-RHYME DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

My goal was to chill and sit back,
Read the paper, and then hit the sack.
But my plan was in vain
Cuz my OCD brain
Gave rise to this lim’rick attack.

Terry Marter:

At the carpet bugs’ party-time snack,
They heard a loud almighty wack!
When they turned, they saw Fred
Was apparently dead;
Fully hammered, – now under a tack.

Anthea Simick:

Please don’t think this a verbal attack,
But I can’t take much more of your flack.
I have bitten my tongue
At the insults you’ve flung.
Now I’m ready to give it right back.

Alice Lam:

Today, I have gotten off track,
But it’s not motivation I lack.
My cat’s on my lap
And she’s taking a nap.
I’m not lazy, just under attack.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Expecting a frontal attack,
One poor victim when strapped to the rack,
Face down, as it were,
Had no time to demur;
Some have said he was taken aback.

Bindy Bitterman:

Oy, that siren! An air raid attack?
A tornado glimpsed twenty miles back?
Nah, just Mary’s two kids
Doing what she forbids—
It goes off when they sneak in to snack!

Tim James:

He’s a Trumper, so cut him some slack.
He knows nothing but how to talk smack.
Since I don’t wish to carp,
I’ll say only: He’s sharp.
(Like a bowling ball, not like a tack.)

Doug Harris:

My dentist said; “Son, all this plaque
Is something you need to attack.
Start gargling and flossing
And maybe less tossing
Of sweets down your neck for a snack?”

Tim James:

He flexed, and looked forward and back
As he silently planned his attack.
Then he struck, and his prey
Lay in shreds, cold and gray.
Catnip toys cause more mayhem than crack.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ANNOYANCE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

She’s a tenant, about to receive
Legal notice demanding she leave
If she doesn’t get rid
Of her dogs, cats, and kid.*
You could call it her landlord’s pet peeve.

a young goat, of course

Justin OConnor, for his “Annoyed Puppy”

As soon as he gets up to leave,
His dog barks and then nips at his sleeve.
He can’t take her to work,
So she barks, “What a jerk!”
Now that’s what I call a pet peeve.

Jim Strossman, for his “Exotic Pet Dealer’s Lament:”

Raising porcupines has for me been
An enterprise fraught with chagrin,
I occasionally will
Get impaled by a quill.
Man, that really gets under my skin!

Tim Roberts:

“Your hair is annoying,” she said.
“So please shave it all off your head.”
In order to faze her,
I got out my razor
And shaved off my nutsack instead.

Terry Marter:

Living closely with one’s kith and kin,
Was Plan A, but it’s under my skin.
So I’ve turned to Plan B,
Which will soon set me free,
But I’m gonna need more than one bin.

Jean McEwen:

A huge source of vexation, for me,
Is when folks fail to RSVP
To an invite – then show
Up and act just as though
They’re entitled to join in high tea.

Terry Marter:

I deal with those small things in life
That grow large over time, causing strife.
Like the wee gal I wed,
Who has outgrown our bed.
She’s now missing; the rumors are rife.

Marc Davidson:

It’s the cause of no little annoyance
Seeking gems with the proper chatoyance.
This search for a glint
Keeps my eyes in a squint
And calls for a deal of clairvoyance.

Lisi Nortman:

Fin’ly realized without any doubt
What the noise in my car was about.
The sound was so shrill
It was making me ill.
Bit the bullet and pushed my wife out.

Bob Turvey:

When I met a young dog in the street,
He yapped and then bit both my feet.
He then pissed on my shoe,
Dropped a huge smelly poo,
And his owner said, “Isn’t he sweet!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Says a soothsaying senior named Snead,
“As a Seer I’m still up to speed!”
He loves his clairvoyance,
But hates the annoyance
Of relying on glasses to read.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.)

Jim Strossman:

On the golf course from Spring until Fall
I swing at that freaky white ball;
I aim left, it goes right,
Sometimes right out of sight!
It seems pointless to aim it at all.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My cat is a creature prehensile,
And whenever she falls on a pencil,
She gets a good grip,
Then gnaws at its tip,
Till it’s rendered a pointless utensil.

Jean McEwen:

Anne and Victor were hopelessly geeky.
But then Anne, one day, donned a dashiki.
Her new look was so glamorous–
Vic got all amorous.
Kinky sex then ensued. Kind of freaky!

Joan Perrin:

In the mirror I no longer see,
Any vestige of glamorous me.
It is pointless, that’s all,
As I watch my face fall:
Norma Desmond, I turned out to be.

Justin OConnor:

There’s a strange, freaky jellyfish ball.
That takes place underwater each fall.
No longer deemed pointless.
(It’s just for the jointless.)
But glamorous? No, not at all.”

Tim James:

With the ladies I yearn to get freaky,
But old age has crept up on me. Sneaky!
I’d like to get stronger
So I can go longer.
This body’s become a bit creaky.

Terry Marter:

Looking glamorous, dressed for the ball,
Her breasts perky, though not very small,
In her see-through topped gown,
Were the talk of the town,
The word “pointless” heard nowhere at all.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: Alice Lam, Anthea Simick, Bindy Bitterman, Bob Turvey, Doug Harris, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Jim Strossman, Joan Perrin, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Marc Davidson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Susan Settje, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tim Roberts, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »

Limerick-Off Award (520)

Saturday, April 6th, 2024

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In broad daylight he aimed; took the shot.
She lay still, on the deck of his yacht.
When she writhed on the floor,
He shot her twice more
At his favorite fashion pics spot.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the PICTURES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

His new gal was an absolute mess;
He was fully enthralled, nonetheless.
He wised up really quick
When he spotted her pic
On the wall at the USPS.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: AMUSING, DOCTOR, NEUROTIC, POSTPONE, VANITY.

Vain old Donald is having his say again;
With the Bible he’s having his way again.
He amuses his base,
As he says with straight face —
“We will all Make America Prey Again!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Gennadiy Gurariy, Doug Harris, J.OConnor, Trevor Alexander, Susan Settje, Dave Johnson, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman, Mike Monks, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Cried a doctor when one patient fought
An injection, “Just take it or not!”
And he wasn’t amused
When the same guy confused
Him by saying, “I’d rather be shot.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PICTURES-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I like classic old Westerns a lot —
Gritty films where drunk cowboys get shot.
When these tough buckaroos
Take in bullets and booze,
They just grin and say, “That hit the spot.”

Tim James:

She texted her picture. She’s hot,
So I thought I’d give romance a shot.
Then she told me she’s rootin’
For Vladimir Putin.
My internet girlfriend’s a bot!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If The Donald should lose the election,
There’s no reason to stage insurrection.
He should give (while he’s hot)
Making movies a shot.
He’s so awfully good at projection.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME DIVISION)

Gail White:

The day of my hanging was hot
And the amateurs tying the knot
Made a slippery noose
That was really too loose…
So I opted for just being shot.

Jean McEwen:

Sophie figured she’d give it a shot.
So she struck while the iron was hot.
But then promptly she learned
That one’s hand will get burned
When the iron one strikes isn’t wrought.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With a gun pointed straight at his head,
The quarry quick-wittedly said,
“A close-up is not
My favorite shot.
Could you make it a selfie instead?”

Tim James:

She lost track of the number of shots
That she’d downed. (Let’s just say it was lots.)
She will drink you — she’s able —
Way under the table.
She’s Mary, the Queen of the Sots.

Gennadiy Gurariy:

One evening a thief tried his best
To break through the lock on my chest.
I yelled “you’ll get shot!”
And aimed the red dot
But then let my cats do the rest.

Doug Harris:

The Jaeger bombs started the rot;
With whiskies I’ve often been caught.
The Doc’s diagnosis:
(I can’t spell cirrhosis)
My liver is totally shot!

J.OConnor:

He decided that he’d take a shot
At tying his own Windsor Knot.
Though he’d try and he’d try,
He could not tie the tie,
And tie tired is all that he got.

Trevor Alexander:

She had my tongue tied up in knots
And gave me a case of the hots.
My libido was zingin’,
But turned out she’s mingin’.
I’m glad I’ve had all of my shots.

Mark Totterdell:

Having starting the night sipping tots,
I continued with various shots.
After many drinks more,
I was flat on the floor,
Swilling beer out of two-gallon pots.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PICTURES-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

She tried a new app for a date.
Turns out, it was far less than great;
Selecting a guy,
But whose pic was AI,
A zombie who then showed up late.

Gennadiy Gurariy:

At last I pried open my wallet
For that blasted thing… what do kids call it?
The self-serving stick?
The self, selfie trick?
Now can somebody help me install it?

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

There’s the shirt with the Donald T mugshot,
And the Viktor-and-me T, a hug shot.
But I can’t wait to see,
The celebrative tee,
That’s the Donald’s-at-last-in-the-jug shot.

J.OConnor, for his “true home improvement story”

Pulled old wallpaper off of our wall.
Found a picture drawn seven feet tall
Of a majorette dressed
In a way no one guessed:
Besides boots she wore nothing at all.

Bob Turvey:

Said my father, “I think I’ll invest
My spare cash in tattoos for my chest.
I’ve a picture in mind –
Charlie Chaplin’s behind –
It’ll make me laugh when I’m depressed.”

Lisi Nortman:

I rarely take selfies. I lack
The fervor, the zeal and the knack.
Though I cannot deny
That I gave it a try
To examine that zit on my back.

Mike Monks:

A meet & greet held in a bar
Fell terribly lower than par;
While her pic showed a cutie,
There now was no beauty.
Come on, folks! Just show who you are!

Fred Bortz:

For a classical musical treat,
Try Mussorgsky’s evocative suite
That brings to fruition
An art exhibition.
A sensory palate complete!

Lisi Nortman:

This sale is sure not “for the birds.”
The people are coming in herds.
They’ve a very nice staff.
The reduction is “half.”
Each pic is worth 500 words.

Jean McEwen:

Bedecking the walls of Jill’s villa
Are paintings that look just vanilla.
Every piece of her home
Is clichéd – monochrome.
Refined taste? Jill has not a scintilla.

Brian Allgar:

Donald Trump is a blowhard, quite mad,
And I picture a scene, very bad:
To prove he’s a sleaze
And determined to please,
He’s down on his knees blowing Vlad.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: AMUSING, DOCTOR, NEUROTIC, POSTPONE, VANITY.)

Susan Settje:

The pompous young doc lacked humanity.
His godlike self-image, pure vanity.
Like a peacock, he preened,
While his patients all keened.
His murder? I’m pleading insanity.

Terry Marter:

With neurosis eroding her sanity;
Obsessed with her mirror, (and vanity),
She’s applied to herself
The whole beauty bar shelf,
And now looks like a walking profanity!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Jane asked, “Doctor, can I be psychotic?”
When he answered, “No, simply neurotic,
And perhaps a bit vain,”
She complained, “How mundane.
I deserve something much more exotic.”

Tim James:

A neurotic old despot named Don
Told his doctor, “My self-control’s gone.
I’m obnoxious, or vain,
Or just flat-out insane;
It depends on the drugs that I’m on.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The reception you get will be cold,
If you contact your doctor, I’m told,
And try to postpone
Your appointment by phone.
All they do then is put you on hold.

Tim James:

I want to write something amusing.
My Muse, though, won’t help; she’s refusing.
In my vanity, I
Thought at least that she’d try.
I’d do better by taking up boozing.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When Rod needed “amusement” –and quick,
He thought Speed Dating might do the trick.
But the date said, “You’re vain,
And your fast-talk’s inane.”
Then she gave him a really swift kick.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Gail White, Gennadiy Gurariy, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Mike Monks, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Susan Settje, Terry Marter, Tim James, Trevor Alexander, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (520)

Limerick-Off Award (519)

Saturday, March 9th, 2024

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny and timely two-verse limerick:

That passenger flight went awry
While thousands of feet in the sky.
A window seat door
Wasn’t there any more;
Unbolted, it fell from on high.
And now their commercial can say:
“Come fly with us – starting today.
Our Boeing Max 9
Is a new plane so fine;
Its features will blow you away!”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TOOTH/TEETH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

He was trapped when the burglars broke in,
Tied with ropes from his toes to his chin.
But his son heard him call,
And he bit through them all –
He was saved by the teeth of his kin.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever “Venus de Milo” limerick which uses at least two of these five words: LOOK, MESSY, PROOF, RIDDLE, UNFAIR.

What’s up with her schmata? (A dress?)
She sure didn’t “drape” for success!
With no arms, life’s unfair.
You can’t fix your own hair.
Ms. Milo’s a classical mess!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Marc Davidson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Bindy Bitterman, and J.OConnor. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

Observers conject as to why
Mona Lisa’s smile looks kinda wry.
Despite the belief
That she ain’t got no teef
There’s now proof that she’d just screwed her guy.

Tim James:

I looked at the bottle of rye.
It was 86 proof. With a sigh,
I imbibed (to excess)
And woke up in a mess,
Missing teeth. Now the riddle is: Why?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

A gleaming-white-smile kinda guy,
Screwed his dentist’s wife once, on the sly.
Since the dentist’s revenge,
His teeth look like Stonehenge,
Lots of gaps and all angled awry.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

By a fantasy he was inspired
To make love on a bike. This required
That he be fit and spry.
But it all went awry:
When he tried it, it made him two tired.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When it used to be Siri and me,
I was happy as happy can be.
But it all went awry
When this open AI
Started blabbing on ChatGPT.

Bob Turvey:

Said an actress, “Oh my goodness me!
Archbishop – your hand’s on my knee!
You’ve a glint in your eye…
And your vestment’s awry!
And you haven’t yet paid me the fee!”

Marc Davidson:

I’m giving gymnastics a try,
For I’m feeling uncommonly spry.
But I’m booking, you betcha,
Two guys with a stretcher,
in case my attempt goes awry.

Fred Bortz:

There once was an atheist guy
Who decided to give God a try.
What led him to choose
To commune with the Jews?
The kosher dill pickles and rye!

Robert Schechter:

I thought I’d give baking a try.
It didn’t go well. I won’t lie.
The recipe said
I was baking white bread,
But somehow my plans went a rye.

Tim James:

Said a woman whose outlook was wry:
“Why do men always think they must lie?
Seven inches? No way!
Mark my words when I say:
I can measure such objects by eye.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Once, the tooth fairy used to buy back,
Any tooth — be it pearly or black.
The prize for a chomper,
When I wore a romper
Was cash. Now it’s just some old plaque.

Lisi Nortman, for her “Leonardo da Vinci’s Request”

“You look great in that Renaissance style,
But your ugly teeth stick out a mile.
Kindly breathe through your nose
To assume a new pose.
Mona, please try a more subtle smile.”

Robert Schechter:

I thought I was dining on cattle,
But chewing became a great battle.
I found out the truth
When I busted a tooth
On the stud of a fine English saddle.

Terry Marter:

Here’s a tongue-in-cheek tale of a sleuth
Who is well past the prime of his youth.
The defective detective
Is now less effective,
Short of breath, and too long in the tooth.

Bob Turvey:

If you drive in mid-winter in Leith —
GO SLOW — or you may need a wreath;
The council’s so mean
They’ve no gritting machine –
Their advice is to grit your own teeth.

Marc Davidson:

I’m buying my dentist a wreath
For the coming demise of my teeth.
I’m down in the mouth,
For my hygiene’s gone south,
Exposing the rot underneath.

Tim James:

My dentist is cranky and old,
And his manner’s increasingly cold.
What I really can’t stand
Is his unsteady hand.
That’s what gets on my nerves, tooth be told.

Tony Holmes:

My wife’s teeth are like stars in that they
Will come out at the close of each day.
And once toothless – sans bite –
She’s a pitiful sight,
But her tongue’s just as sharp, so, “Oy vey!”

Mark Totterdell:

A fine set of teeth has the ocelot,
Though it’s true that they do make him cross a lot.
When food scraps get stuck
It’s annoying as f*ck
And if only he could he would floss a lot.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A born chiseler, one dentist Keith,
Claims, “Your smile will light up like a wreath!
For ten grand (thereabout),
These new crowns will stand out.”
So his patients all sport big-buck teeth.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A golfer who’s constantly gutting
It out in a rough that needs cutting,
Maybe looks to the green,
To make shots more pristine;
For the proof is (they say) in the putting.

Brian Allgar:

“Look, these charges are really unfair!
They’re riddled with lies and hot air.
The riot that day
Was messy, OK,
But there’s proof I was not even there!”

Jean McEwen:

Though my tresses look messy, the breeze
Is the reason it’s tangled. So please!
Stop critiquing my hair!
You are being unfair.
At least I do not harbor fleas!

Bindy Bitterman:

Good heavens, it’s awfully unfair
To blame ME for the mess that’s up there!
Sure, it’s under my roof
But I rent to that goof
For whom “dress-up” means clean underwear!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I got holes in the lobes of each ear,
And tattoos on my back and my rear.
Then I ventured a look,
At a skin disease book,
And now I am riddled with fear.

Fred Bortz:

An unflattering SNL spoof
Sent that narcissist Trump through the roof.
When he tweeted, “Unfair!!
I have much better hair.”
They countered, “See now we have proof.”

J.OConnor:

They roundly agree she’s a square.
On the hole Peggy’s treatment’s unfair.
If Peg had looked ’round,
I’m sure she’d have found
A square Peg’s never fitting in there!

Terry Marter:

“Visit Scotland,” they said, – look for Nessie.
So we did, – took my dumb cousin Jesse.
He jumped in for a swim,
And soon Nessie found him.
After that, things became rather messy!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: Bindy Bitterman, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Marc Davidson, Mark Totterdell, Robert Schechter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (519)

Limerick-Off Award (518)

Saturday, February 10th, 2024

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said Sir Lancelot “Life’s not so grand
When your date turns you down out-of-hand.”
Said Sir Kay, “Well I hear
That our Queen Guinevere
Always welcomes a quick one-knight stand.”

Congratulations to LISI NORTON, who wins the COACH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My team took a terrible beating,
So I called a “coach candidate” meeting.
I said, “Though you’re all trained,
I picked Joe,” then explained:
“He’s the one who knows most about cheating.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN.

Nubile Florence had searched high and low
For a promising guy (one with dough.)
She was cute and nineteen;
Tom was lush with the green.
He decided to go with the Flo.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Terry Marter, Paul Haebig, Sharon Neeman, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman, P Diane Schneider, J.OConnor, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Phil Woodford, Doug Harris, Brian Allgar, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: GRAND-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COACH-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

A musician whom no one could stand
Was coached NOT to act pompous or grand.
Now he acts like a geek
Who’s both boring and meek.
His new theme song is “Strike Up the Bland.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAND-RHYME DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The concert stage door was unmanned,
So I strolled in, completely as planned.
No need to pull strings
To access the wings,
My job was to tune up the grand.

Paul Haebig:

“This obsession you have with Steve Grand
Is getting a bit out of hand
And becoming a bore.
So, I’m saying, ‘No more!’
From now on in this house, he is banned!”

Sharon Neeman:

“Yuck! I hate this! It’s gross and it’s bland!
You’re not Mom! I won’t eat on demand!”
“No, I’m not — but I say
You must eat anyway,
‘Cause you’re not being mothered, but Gran’d.”

Mark Totterdell:

This latest great poem of mine
Was designed to be truly divine.
From the start it was planned
To be epic and grand,
But it stopped after just the fifth line.

Lisi Nortman, for her “My Chicago Senior Living Apartment Complex”

Poor Jenny can’t move her right hand.
Leon sits, but the poor man can’t stand.
John broke both his hips,
And sweet Winifred drips.
Gertrude falls ev’ry day. Ain’t life grand?

P Diane Schneider:

Abroad in a warm, far-off land,
I lounged on a beach and was fanned.
Alas, I awoke;
It was only a joke.
But tell me, would THAT not be grand?

Terry Marter:

His piano concerto was panned;
The critics said “boring” and “bland.”
Pursued for his views,
He made headline news
When they found him curled up in the grand.

Tim James:

With ambitions excessively grand,
Ronny D. sought to govern the land
By appealing to spite.
Why’d it all turn to shite?
He infringed on The Former Guy’s brand.

J.OConnor:

The father of my father’s dad
Was cruel and made everyone sad.
So I can’t understand
Why he’s called “great” and “grand”
When we know that old bastard was bad.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COACH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

From my seat I could see him approach.
He sat next to me, puffing a roach.
Cradled under one arm
Was a jug of Boone’s Farm.
That’s the last time I’ll travel by coach.

J.OConnor:

I’d rather fly coach than first class.
Don’t try to upgrade me. I’ll pass.
My seat is just fine.
So keep your free wine.
I won’t pay you to pamper my ass.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One “away” team won’t deign to encroach,
On the home team’s aggressive approach.
They don’t care if they lose;
On the bus they’ve stashed booze,
So they’re keeping all eyes on the coach.

Phil Woodford:

Whenever I sit in train coaches
A feeling of dread soon encroaches
There’s a rustling sound
And before long, I’ve found
That my seat is surrounded by roaches.

Doug Harris:

The enthusiasts offer reproaches
As the layman, in their world, encroaches.
There’s many a fuss
If you call it a bus,
And not one of their lovable coaches.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though no promising singer, I know,
I still give karaoke a go.
I sing all night with glee,
And when I lose my key,
I continue to search high and low.

Terry Marter says:

Some lush-sounding songsters from Yonkers
Formed a promising choir, but some honkers
Joined in on their tunes
With wails worse than loons,
Cuz they thought they could sing, but they’re bonkers!

Lisi Nortman:

Search no more for a shrink; mine is hip.
He will heal you in one single trip.
To cure your depression,
There’s only one session
With JUST these three words: “Get a grip!”

Brian Allgar:

It had seemed like a promising trip,
But his search for the names made him flip.
Telling Nancy from Nikki
Was horribly tricky —
Poor Donald had quite lost his grip.

Jean McEwen:

My once-promising search for the grail
Is all over. The end of the trail
Has been reached. I’m defeated.
My hope’s been depleted.
My coffin’s now seen its last nail.

Lisi Nortman:

I was tired of frequenting bars,
And stopped searching the day I met Lars.
We were wed in a zip.
He is known for his grip;
Lars is gross, but he opens my jars.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Socks, The Horse, on his way to the barn,
Met The Kitten in search of some yarn….
This olde Aesop’s fable,
I’d spin were I able,
But I’m not, and I don’t give a darn.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: Brian Allgar, Doug Harris, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, P Diane Schneider, Paul Haebig, Phil Woodford, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (518)

Limerick-Off Award (517)

Saturday, January 13th, 2024

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off. Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The mole has its hole to patrol,
Where its sole and its ultimate goal
Is to terminate squirms
In the verminous worms
And to jollily swallow them whole.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the PERKS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My boss, her demeanor well ired,
Said “It’s your fault this project’s so mired.
It’s been stuck back in time;
You’ve done naught but this rhyme.
Your perk this year? Not being fired!”

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: CLUMSY, CONDEMNED, ODDS, SHAKE, WAVES.

I’m so klutzy and clumsy, folks fear me —
Objects often go flying, when near me.
Sure, I’ve friends who are brave,
Who’ll do more than just wave,
But there’s no one who’ll ever say, “Beer me.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Paul Haebig, Sjaan VandenBroeder, P Diane Schneider, J.OConnor, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Joan Perrin, Phil Woodford, Tim James, Bob Turvey, Terry Marter, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GOAL/GOALS-RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

This morning I made it my goal
To dig up some “dirt” on the mole.
Upon study, I found
That a mole leaves a mound.
It’s an empty pursuit, on the whole.

Paul Haebig:

To see all fifty states was my goal!
And so, to get ready to roll
I bought E-ZPass.
But I found out, alas,
That using it sure takes a toll!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I buy donuts, but always my goal’s
To keep track of good diet controls.
Once, I said to the gal,
“I need something low-cal,”
So she sold me a bag full of holes.

P Diane Schneider:

I’m cold and have run out of coal,
So getting me warm was the goal.
I ran off with bags,
But tripped on my rags.
They caught me with coal that I stole.

Lisi Nortman says:

It’s time I took care of my goal:
Getting rid of this unsightly mole.
When folks stare, I feel stress,
But I have to confess:
Mr. Maulwurf’s a huggable soul.

Joan Perrin:

The perfect, penned lim’rick’s my goal.
I strive for a gem. I get coal.
I yearn, but in vain,
To win in Mad Kane.
For then, I’d be one happy soul.

Phil Woodford:

Up in Lapland, quite near the North Pole
Lives a man with a singular goal:
He has to remember
To wake in December,
But for now he’s asleep, bless his soul.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Dumb mistakes and misspellings prevail,
When Trump uses his platform for mail.
Once, he asked fans to dole
Out big bucks toward his GOAL,
But unwittingly typed it as GAOL.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PERKS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

“Friends with benefits” isn’t a thing
You should say when describing a fling.
You’ll come off as a creep
And the gal will feel cheap.
“Pals with perks” doesn’t have the same sting.

Paul Haebig:

Work-from-home would drive some folks berserk.
But for me, it’s an excellent perk.
Still, I’m not one to gloat.
I like working remote,
But homing from home’s too much work!

Bob Turvey:

I know a young fellow who works
In a coffee shop run by some Turks.
He is a barista
Who cannot resist a
Free coffee. It’s one of his perks.

Terry Marter:

She was somewhat allergic to work,
But was given a car as a perk.
Jealous workmates would scoff,
“Howd’ya pull that one off?”
“I jerked off the boss for a Merc.”

Jean McEwen:

At our school, all the menfolk are jerks.
They all act as if one of the perks
Of their gender allows
Them to treat us like cows
And to meet our objections with smirks.

Tim James, for his “A Curmudgeon’s Confession.”

A perky young woman named Jo
Would spread laughter wherever she’d go.
She was bubbly and bright
And an utter delight.
That’s the reason I hated her so.

J.OConnor:

I take showers when I need to think.
Wakes me up. Makes me feel in the pink.
I can figure things out
When I’m under that spout.
Added perk: It gets rid of the stink!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

You’re taking a pee on the ground,
Behind a wee bush that you’ve found,
When a bus full of wavers
Pulls up, and then savors
The odds you thought “no one’s around.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Ev’ry time that my hair cutter raves,
About “product,” my confidence caves.
In a shaky voice, I
Reply, “Give it a try.”
If I don’t, then she’s sure to make waves.

Tim James:

A jerk has a girlfriend named Inger.
The odds are, with him she won’t linger.
He called her a cow!
Look, there she goes now:
She’s waving goodbye with one finger.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions. In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award. To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: Bob Turvey, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Joan Perrin, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, P Diane Schneider, Paul Haebig, Phil Woodford, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (517)

Limerick-Off Award (516)

Saturday, December 9th, 2023

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

One young lady agreed to a match,
With the richest old man she could catch.
The decision seemed rash,
But she married for cash.
It appears she was itching for scratch.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special Mistake-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

After many loud protests in jail,
His attempt to escape was a fail.
He curled up in a sack
In a truck, out the back
Which (it turned out) was incoming mail.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FAULTY, HUSTLE, MEAN, POT, STICK. (Though it’s certainly NOT required, TIM used all five of those words.)

He’s a hustler who’s mean when on pot,
But just look at the girlfriend he’s got!
She’s so brainy and fine,
Yet she sticks with that swine.
Her judgment’s not faulty; it’s shot.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dallman Ross, Terry Marter, Marieta McGrath, Tim James, Byron Miller, Janice Canerdy, Steven Kent, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Doug Harris, George Larson, Kirk Miller, Tony Holmes, Steve Johnston, J.OConnor, Lisi Nortman, Phil Woodford, Mark Totterdell, William Preston, Gail White, Rudy Landesman, and Jeanine Silverio. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CATCH or CATCHES-RHYME DIVISION)

Dallman Ross:

A subway straphanger named Craig
Took the Metro due East from the Hague.
Though he wanted to catch
This year’s Rotterdam match,
What he caught was the Omicron plague.

Terry Marter:

Little Ricky encountered a catch:
His uniquely small dick was no match
For the fact that the thatch
Of blonde hair on her patch
Made it tricky to access her snatch.

Marieta McGrath:

A man with a peg leg and patch
Used Tinder to find him a match.
His only reply
Was a shark who said, “Hi,
You look like you could be a catch!”

Tim James:

There once was a fellow named Tim
Who met a hot gal at the gym.
She thought him a catch,
So she offered her snatch.
I wish *I* were the Tim in this lim!

Byron Miller:

Lady Guinevere strikes up a match,
Lights a fart near her Knight-weary snatch;
“Ain’t my beautiful ass
Just a natural gas,”
She proclaims, as her thatch starts to catch.

Janice Canerdy, for her “Grandma’s Extra-Special Brownies”

You want brownies? She’ll make you a batch.
They’re fantastic, but there is a catch.
They’ll make you feel good,
Like no brownie should;
She adds pot to those treats made from scratch.

Steven Kent:

I’m aware that my girl is a catch,
So I’ll do what she wants me to, natch:
Wash her car, buy her jewels,
Fix her stuff with my tools,
Snatch her kiss when I can (and vice versa.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When fishing from piers got too old,
Rod tried ice fishing (just to be bold.)
He imagined he’d snatch
From the lake a big catch,
But all that he caught was a cold.

Doug Harris:

The chick from the egg duly hatches,
But mystery quickly attaches:
The process reversed
Ponders which one came first?
A sequel to Schrödinger’s catches …

George Larson:

A fly-tying fool tries to match
The appearance of this morning’s hatch;
Casting over the lake,
He hopes he can fake
Out the big one he’s trying to catch.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MISTAKE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Marieta McGrath:

A scatterbrained girl, Annie Ferrer
Discovered that she’d made an error:
She went out of her house
With only a blouse,
And the neighbourhood boys fled in terror.

Kirk Miller:

A cartographer’s really astute;
Draws relief maps of mountains. He’ll shoot
For perfection each time.
Though his maps are sublime,
When he makes a mistake, it’s a butte.

Tony Holmes:

I am haunted on cold, winter nights,
By the errors of youth. The delights –
Wine and women, fast cars,
Making love ’neath the stars –
These I should have been doing, by rights.

Tim James:

You may think I’m an arrogant flake,
But for years I have managed to make
Not one error or blunder.
I’m really a wonder!
Just think … not a single misteak!

Steve Johnston:

There was a young virgin named Pearl,
Who thought to give childbirth a whirl.
It seems all along,
The plumbing was wrong,
The virgin’s name should have been Earl.

J.OConnor:

There once was a fellow named Jim.
Who often did things on a whim.
When he jumped in the lake
It was a mistake.
He first should have learned how to swim.

Lisi Nortman:

I make countless mistakes, to the MAX!
Do I worry? No sir! I relax!
Not to brag, I’m a pro
Cuz I’ve got this M.O. :
I remember to cover my tracks.

Tim James:

“Mistakes were made.” That’s a cliché.
It’s a passive-voice way not to say
Who screwed up, who’s to blame.
It’s a con artist’s game
Whereby those at fault all get away.

Phil Woodford, for his “Missed Steak”

Young carnivores keen to pitch woo
Had reserved a smart table for two.
But they’d made a mistake,
As the meat was all fake
And their ribeye was made of tofu.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Goddess Gaia was quick to exalt
Her good taste when the Earth rendered salt.
When a bad earthquake came,
Was she stuck with the blame?
No. She claimed that it wasn’t her fault.

Mark Totterdell:

It perhaps was a blunder to get
A large tiger to keep as a pet,
As its claws do so catch
In my flesh with each scratch
That I’m feeling a twinge of regret.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FAULTY, HUSTLE, MEAN, POT, STICK.)

William Preston:

You will never develop some muscle
By failing to get up and hustle;
Instead, you will not
Have a gut, but a pot,
And a gluteus maximus bustle.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Such a lazy boat owner is Russell;
He won’t hasten, or hurry, or hustle.
High on pot, he might mull,
Over thoughts of his hull,
But, alas, without moving a mussel.

Gail White:

With the words “pot” and “stick” on the screen,
I could really write something obscene,
But I think I’d be wise
To pass up the prize
By saying much less than I mean.

Rudy Landesman:

A young ballerina, they say,
Was doing the “Hustle” one day.
Though her critics were mean,
It had to be seen:
She added a sexy plié.

Lisi Nortman:

The hustle of wild County Cork
Is upsetting sweet Patrick O’Rourke.
He claims, “Folks here are mean.
I need a new scene.
Begorra! I’ll move to New York.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A stick bug repeated verbatim:
“I’m a twig, I’m a twig. That’s the datum.”
By this means of illusion,
He hid from intrusion,
Till a termite (who bought the lie) ate him.

Lisi Nortman:

After work Mama hustled to buy
Lots of meals in a large bulk supply.
She divorced Harry Johnson
To marry Clarke Swanson.
In honor of chicken pot pie.

Jeanine Silverio:

With nostalgia for disco, old Russell
Hit the dance floor to do a mean hustle.
But he backed up too quick,
Then collapsed on the kick:
“Oh my God, I done tore my butt muscle!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: Byron Miller, Dallman Ross, Doug Harris, Gail White, George Larson, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jeanine Silverio, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Marieta McGrath, Mark Totterdell, Phil Woodford, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Johnston, Steven Kent, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, William Preston, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (516)

Limerick-Off Award (515)

Saturday, November 11th, 2023

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RUDY LANDESMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Had a dream. What it meant, I don’t know.
A raven or maybe a crow
Flew into my room
And announced gloom and doom.
Gotta stop reading Edgar A. Poe.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special LIST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“I feel languid again — what a chore,”
Laments Lackluster, starting to snore.
His wife, quite the shrew,
Makes a lengthy to-do,
And now Lackluster’s listless no more.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: ADVICE, CHECK, NOTES, SLIDER, SNOBBISH.

At the hamburger joint I espied her,
Twelve boxes of sliders beside her.
Take note of the fact
That because of this act
Her bankroll’s now thinner; she’s wider.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Tim James, Bob Turvey, George Larson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Mark Totterdell, Jean McEwen, Marieta McGrath, J.OConnor, Doug Harris, Lisi Nortman, and Janice Canerdy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CROW-RHYME DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

He tattooed her fine breast; his price low.
After which, to her friends she would crow
About her good deal,
Where she’d offered a feel:
It was all Tit for Tat; quid pro quo.

Tim James:

Thirteen ravens, five jays, and a crow
Caused great terror wherever they’d go;
And they still induce fear
In the people they’re near.
They’re the CORVID 19, as you know.

Bob Turvey:

Here’s a tale that concerns a young peasant;
When he stroked his cock he found it pleasant.
Quite stiff it would grow
And then start to crow –
He can’t wait now to stroke his wife’s pheasant.

George Larson:

His hot-rod was mostly for show;
He bragged to his friends it would go
Like a bat out of hell,
But it didn’t go well.
At the end, the guy had to eat crow.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When some hawks hear the squawks from below,
The caws cause them to sway to-and-fro.
Their most favorite prey,
Isn’t Corvid, per se,
But they love to sing, “I Gotta Crow!”

Mark Totterdell:

Those ugly old crow’s feet that show
Round my eyes are the way that I know
That my youth is behind,
But I just wouldn’t mind
If they weren’t still attached to the crow.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIST-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

My stupidity can’t be denied
’Cause I laughed really hard, till I cried
When my gal split her pants
While attempting to dance.
On her shit list is where I reside.

Jean E McEwen:

I’ve got too many Things to Do lists.
I just can’t keep them straight; each exists
On its own scrap of paper.
It’s too hard a caper
To merge them; thus, chaos persists.

Terry Marter:

On a long windy sailing-boat ride
I was so sick and bored that I cried.
So I wrote a long list
Of life’s “pleasures” not missed
With “A boat with a list to one side.”

Tim James:

Santa’s finished with making his list.
He just checked it, and boy, is he pissed.
Naughty kids are online,
Where they’re bullies and swine.
How he wishes they’d cease and desist!

Marieta McGrath:

I jotted down three things to do.
The first was to buy superglue.
The rest became moot
As I shouted out “Shoot!
I had glued both my hands to my shoe!”

George Larson:

The birder makes lists as he goes
Of all of the species he knows.
But sadly, today
They were all chased away
By a murder of ornery crows.

Terry Marter:

Listen up, lest you don’t get my gist:
You’re as drunk as a skunk; Brahms and Liszt.
You’ve mumbled and stammered
Which shows that you’re hammered…
And a long list of terms that mean pissed.

Bob Turvey:

A lawyer once said to Miss May,
“I will list all your assets today.
Do you have property?”
She answered, “I’ve three;
There’s China, Ceylon and Earl Grey.”

J.OConnor:

Pharma ads all have jingles these days.
For drug sales it’s one of the ways
To get you to think
That their drug doesn’t stink
As the list of each side effect plays.

Doug Harris:

In Pisa the Bishop is pissed;
At the Foreman he’s shaking his fist.
He’s displaying unease
At about four degrees –
The builder’s not finished his list …

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: ADVICE, CHECK, NOTES, SLIDER, SNOBBISH)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Hyde consulted a shrink for advice,
(who took notes and seemed very precise.)
He said, “Doc, this is it:
My poor psyche is split,
So make sure that you’re writing this twice.”

Lisi Nortman, for her “Teaching The Wife About Baseball”

“Take notes, dear, to practice a slider.”
(I gave her a ball, just to guide ’er.)
“Now, it’s all in the grip.
Place your hand on the tip.”
(An approach that might get me inside ’er.)

Jean McEwen:

Let me give you a piece of advice:
Before you mock others, think twice.
Hold your tongue; check yourself.
Leave that taunt on a shelf.
Think whatever you like – but play nice.

Lisi Nortman, for her “Annoying Rebecca”

Here’s advice: don’t go shopping with Beck.
You’ll come home and complain, “I’m a wreck.”
She went shopping with me
At the Town Dollar Tree,
And for one gum drop, Beck paid by check.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When I offered a crumb to a spider,
(Please take note I sought not to deride her),
“Super-size it!” she snapped,
So at once I unwrapped
The whole sandwich and slipped her my slider.

Janice Canerdy:

I’m not snobbish, just misunderstood.
You don’t kowtow to me as you should.
If you’d seek my advice—
Only mine will suffice–
You’d be MORE like me, just not as good.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: Bob Turvey, Doug Harris, George Larson, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Marieta McGrath, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (515)

Limerick-Off Award (514)

Saturday, October 14th, 2023

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off. Congratulations to MICHAEL R. BURCH, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, submitted by him “with abject apologies to Ogden Nash:”

A fly with the flu foully flew
Up my nose—thought I’d die—had to sue!
Was the small villain fined?
An abrupt judge declined
My case, since I’d “failed to achoo!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special FOOT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I have very large feet, so I choose
To buy oversized, custom-made shoes.
When the creek topped its banks,
All my neighbors gave thanks
’Cause those kicks served as first-rate canoes.

Congratulations to J.OCONNOR, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM.

His hair was combed neat and was parted.
His speech on decorum had started.
He straightened his back,
Spoke of manners they lack,
Then glared at the crowd as he farted.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Gail White, Janice Canerdy, Tim James, George Larson, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Jean McEwen, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: FIND/FINED-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FOOT-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

Donald snarls at the judge with a glare:
“You’re corrupter than Biden, I swear!
Are you outa ya mind?
That amount I been fined
Leaves me knocked off my feet everywhere!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FIND/FINED-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FOOT-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Mark Totterdell:

My feet are not neat or refined;
They have toes of some animal kind,
And the skin on each sole
Has the odd crack or hole
Like a cheese with a moldy old rind.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FIND/FINED-RHYME DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

Your intended must be very kind
And LUSTFUL! Please keep that in mind.
When you locate this man,
Grab him fast as you can,
Cuz a good man who’s hard is a “find.”

Terry Marter:

Her new drummer was such a great find;
His rhythm in bed blew her mind!
To his hot paradiddle,
She’d lie there and fiddle,
Singing lim’ricks, all perfectly timed.

Brian Allgar:

The doctors attempted to find
Something vaguely resembling a mind
In Trump’s head, but instead,
Found a short note that read
“OUT TO LUNCH.” With an ‘X’ it was signed.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My old cat has control of his mind,
And if he’s in the bathroom, confined,
He’ll summon his chi,
To shred the TP,
Always doing his best to unwind.

Tim James:

McCarthy was startled to find
That his caucus was out of its mind.
Disgraced and displaced,
He got thoroughly Maced.
Maybe next time he’ll be stiffer-spined.

Gail White:

Says Meghan, “I’m ultra-refined,
So I do hope the staff will not mind
Throwing out the dead tulips
And mixing mint juleps,
while I lie on this sofa reclined.”

Janice Canerdy:

Susie’s skirts now conceal her behind
(Most of it), and she’s not so inclined
To get drunk and start fights
At the bars. She delights
In declaring, “Look, y’all. I’m refined!”

Tim James:

A man from Hawaii opined:
“By my job I’m severely confined.
My plantation, I’ve found,
Needs attention year round.
Growing coffee is really a grind!”

George Larson:

I had a few drinks to unwind
And leave all my troubles behind,
But Officer Stubbs
Saw me pee in the shrubs,
And now I’ve been locked up and fined.

Tony Holmes:

We, the voting for Trump undersigned,
Wish to say even if he’s confined,
We’re still stupid enough
To call ev’ryone’s bluff.
He can rule from his cell – we don’t mind.

Tim James:

A homely young fellow named Nate
Mansplains constantly, irking his mate:
“I was happy to find
That it’s true: love is blind.
Were it deaf as well, that would be great.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FOOT-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

As the fight got increasingly heated,
To ensure that the king was unseated,
He declared that “It rankles
When, clean at the ankles,
With the swipe of a sword I’m de-feeted.”

Tim James:

A podiatrist thought it a thrill
To take up with a mistress until
His wife took him to court,
Cleaned him out just for sport.
For his sins he’s now footing the bill.

Lisi Nortman:

My son’s messy; we had a quite a spat.
And here’s what I said, “Listen Pat!
“Before you walk in
From wherever you’ve been
Wipe your feet on the neighbor’s front mat.”

Bob Turvey:

A toff who broke down in our street
Said, “Look lively, I’ve someone to meet.
You must give me a tow.”
So I said, “Sorry Joe,
I’m afraid they’re attached to my feet.

Jean McEwen:

Dick insists that his prick’s one foot long—
But Charlisse, who has measured his shlong,
Says that when it is lax
It is three inches – max,
And its girth shrinks to naught near the prong.

Lisi Nortman, for her “Fifth Grade Math Test Musings.” *

“Here I sit in the midst of my woe;
With fractions, I’m sure not a pro.
What’s one fifth of a foot!
Now I’m REALLY kaput!
Oh well, I’ll just answer “a toe.”

Terry Marter:

The drummer looked so cool and neat,
With his double kick-drums and gold seat.
He would snare all the chics
With his twirling sticks tricks,
And his sex-cymbal measured two feet.

Brian Allgar:

“They say that I’m tiny of hand.
It’s a lie, but I’ll let that one stand.
They can jeer at my feet,
But for one they can’t beat,
They should just see the size of my gland!”

Bob Turvey:

There’s a tale told in old Montreal,
Which goes, as I’m sure you recall,
That ALL feet are male –
Because, without fail,
Every foot that exists has a ball.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM)

Lisi Nortman:

Hubby no longer has any hair.
He has thrown out his comb in despair.
Now I can’t read in bed
On account of his head,
Which keeps sending a bald, blinding glare.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A snide critic who loved panning plays,
As he combed through his thoughts for a phrase,
Said of one ingenue,
“She can swoon right on cue.”
Alas, damning the girl with faint praise.

Rudy Landesman:

Every night he was combing the street
With the hope that someday he would meet
The love of his life.
(But don’t tell his wife!)
That corrupt guy was truly in heat.

Tim James:

I’m a faint imitation, it seems,
Of her idols, the men of her dreams.
I fall glaringly short
Of the men of the sort
That appear in the movies she streams.

Lisi Nortman, for her Senior Citizen Home Police Report:

“She fainted and fell off her chair,
Then muttered, ‘This Bingo ain’t fair,
Cuz I DID have B2
And I know what is true:
At my seat someone planted a glare.’”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Gail White, George Larson, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Michael R. Burch, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Light Verse Contest, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (514)

Limerick-Off Award (513)

Saturday, September 16th, 2023

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

One political faction –a horde —
Abandoned the pen for the sword.
But its plan was derailed,
And the splinter group failed,
Because no one would sit on the board.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the PITCH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The underdogs pick up the slack.
Neck and neck in the ninth; they’ve come back!
Last play for the cup;
The pitcher winds up,
Then the power goes out, – it’s pitch black.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: SINK, REFUSE, DAWN, ALARMING, CROWD.

Groused Aurora, “The moon sinks anon.”
(But she knew that the show must go on).
“In so many words,
My job’s for the birds!”
There you have it — the first crack of Dawn.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award for his clever Indictment Saga:

Through the years I’d become very jaded.
Would Trump face the music? I waited.
I’d gotten quite bored.
Alvin Bragg then restored
A small measure of justice, belated.
The pitch of Trump’s whining got higher
As Jack Smith held his feet to the fire.
Stolen docs were the crux.
If you ask me, it sucks
They were left in the loo of a liar.
More charges were crowding the field
Because Smith was refusing to yield.
He proceeded to fix
The main blame for 1/6
As Trump’s sanity tottered and reeled.
A new day is beginning to dawn;
It’s alarming to think what went on.
Fani Willis may sink
All these mobsters, I think.
Like the shreds of Trump’s mind, they’ll be gone.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Justin OConnor, Sharon Neeman, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOARD or BORED-RHYME DIVISION)

Paul Haebig:

Long after our water was poured
The waiter appeared, looking bored.
“I can tell by your suit
The specials are moot;
There’s nothing that you could afford.”

Brian Allgar:

They thought the much-feared water-board
Would unlock all the codes that were stored
In the Russian spy’s head,
But he told them instead:
“Most refreshing, that water you poured.”

Robert Schechter:

I’ve been Fermied and Einsteined and floored
By Dirac, and I’ve simply adored
Being Newtoned and Plancked.
All these men should be thanked.
But you asked about Niels? I was Bohred.

Janice Canerdy:

I was feeling neglected and bored.
Hubby kissed me. My low spirits soared.
I cooed, “Let’s go to bed.”
When he said, “Well, instead,
Would you fix me some lunch?” I was floored.

Lisi Nortman:

Her grounds for divorce struck a chord:
I asked, “How may I help you, Ms. Ford?”
Without shedding a tear,
Her answer was clear:
“For 55 years, I’ve been bored.”

Rudy Landesman:

At an opera he truly adored,
He never, no never, got bored.
In his own private box,
He pulled up his socks;
And in tune to the music he snored.

Brian Allgar:

Whenever the actor was bored,
He would dress as the Queen, and a horde
Of his friends came to tea,
Served with great majesty;
He never could reign, but he poured.

Rudy Landesman:

Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall
Made movies, and those were a ball.
Their films never bored.
Were they sexy? Oh, Lord!!
No need for their baring it all.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PITCH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

J.OConnor, for his Acrostic Pitch Limerick:

Prepare for a pitch that is great.
It might curve. It might sink or be straight.
The advice you should heed
Can be simple indeed.
Hit the ball if it’s over the plate!

Lisi Nortman:

Many sports lovers witnessed a pitch
With a very discomforting hitch:
The ball flew in the air
Unmistakably where
The batter would normally itch.

Sharon Neeman:

I’ve been given a Newf pup named Mitch.
When he runs, the whole house seems to pitch;
He barks and he drools
And he pees on my rules…
But (sigh) he’s so easy to scritch!

Terry Marter:

All I’m getting today from my muse,
Is a vacuous silence; no clues.
Each clever new pitch
I attempt, has a glitch
She could fix, put prefers to refuse.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A young rookie developed a glitch:
He’d swear (under his breath) when he’d pitch.
His old manager though,
Said, “Your pitch is too low.”
So he learned to yell, “Son of a bitch!”

Tim James, for his Imperfect Pitch:

A pianist who wasn’t too deft
Checked the key for a piece (to the left),
Saw one flat, and thought, “Gee!
This whole thing is in C!”
The result: his performance was F’ed.

J.OConnor:

He found a new spot, so he switched
From the place where his tent had been pitched.
The new spot he chose
Was where poison oak grows,
So he scratched all night long where it itched.

Terry Marter:

Whenever she tries to sing higher,
The sound she emits is quite dire.
She’s no Di’na Ross,
But she’s loved by her boss
Cuz she’s got the best tits in his choir.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder

A naked street artist named Dowd,
To an onlooker frankly avowed,
“I would never refuse,
To sketch YOU, if you choose,
But I’m happiest drawing a crowd.”

J.OConnor:

I know a nice fellow from Maine.
Who refuses to ever complain.
But a clog in his sink
Has him close to the brink,
’Cause his arm is still stuck in that drain!

Sharon Neeman:

Food pois’ning’s alarming, I think:
It makes an incredible stink!
Bad enough all that poo,
But the puke and the spew…
Come dawn, I must Drano my sink.

Lisi Nortman:

I awakened at dawn and I vowed
“No more lim’ricks!” (I screamed it out loud.)
Well, that lasted ONE day,
Cuz I can’t stay away–
Too far from the MADdening crowd.

Jean McEwen:

Overwhelmed by the mess in my sink
(Dirty dishes, beginning to stink)–
Then, a sudden caprice:
Dawn can handle that grease!
P&G draws me back from the brink.

Lisi Nortman:

I sank low, and I’d do it again;
I bent over backwards for Ken.
You might think it alarming,
But Ken is so charming,
That I helped him escape from the pen.

Tim James:

Said a guy who was amply endowed:
“Sure, this makes me stand out from the crowd.
Though some gals have refused —
They’re alarmed they’ll be bruised —
For the most part, the ladies are wowed.”

Rudy Landesman:

I refuse to get up before dawn.
I’d rather be quartered and drawn.
But don’t worry, my friends.
Before this day ends
I’ll be up and I’ll see you anon.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: Brian Allgar, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Paul Haebig, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Obituary, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (513)

Limerick-Off Award (512)

Saturday, August 19th, 2023

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to J.OCONNOR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

She swung on a swing and was swayed
By the sound of a song in the shade.
The song that was sung
By the swing that was swung
Was a sweet swinging soft serenade.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TEST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Barbie’s got a particular yen,
But her man flunked that test once again.
He said, “Sorry to fail ya;
I’ve no genitalia!”
So sex remains outside her ken.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: DUCK, GIFTED, JITTERY, MERGE, STAR.

There once was a plumber named Jack,
Whose pet duck, you might say, had his back.
When on jobs Jack would bend,
And display his rear end,
The fowl, gifted with hindsight, warned, “Quack!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Terry Marter, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Gail White, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Janice Canerdy, and J.OConnor. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEST-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

Though they told us full tests had been made,
We felt jittery as the thing swayed,
And we ducked, one and all,
When we thought it would fall …
But the Tower of Pisa has stayed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE-RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

When my lottery winnings were paid,
I figured, it’s time to upgrade!
So now I unload
On a golden commode,
Then wipe with a roll of fine suede.

Terry Marter:

I told mum he’d proposed, in my text.
Her reply, left me somewhat perplexed:
I’d remarked “I’ll be swayed,”
But my typo read “spayed.”
She wrote “PLEASE have kids, – DON’T get de-sexed.”

Tim James:

Said a friend of Van Gogh’s: “It’s now clear
Vincent’s case of depression’s severe.
He’s not easily swayed
By mere words, I’m afraid.
Should you see him, just lend him an ear.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A pastor who had no desire,
To threaten of brimstone and fire,
Said, “I’d rather persuade,
With a nice serenade.”
He was preaching, no doubt, to the choir.

Jean McEwen:

Can’t his acolytes see the charade?
Against Trump I have often inveighed.
Yet, I’ve yet to dissuade
Any MAGA folks; they’d
Sooner die than admit they’ve been played.

Terry Marter:

She dressed in the finest kid suede
In her quest to get lucky (that’s laid.)
In an area shaded,
She soon was dis-suede-ed
By a randy old goat in the glade.

Gail White:

The Fates can be hard to persuade,
When I’m hoping my fortune is made.
For I never quite seem
To accomplish my dream
To get rich, or get high, or get laid.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said a tough-skinned and shrewd dairymaid,
To a callow young calf who had strayed,
“Keep your nose in the grass,
And cover your ass,
Or your gonna end up being swayed.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEST-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Bob Turvey:

Herbal cooking is now all the rage
So the wife studied herbs for an age.
If you ask, as a test,
“For this meal, which is best?”
Her answer will always be sage.

Brian Allgar:

The Producer said: “For your screen test,
You must first get completely undressed,
Then demurely recline
On this casting-couch. Fine!
Just relax, and let me do the rest.”

Lisi Nortman:

“Hello Mr. Tense. I’m Joe Shrink.
This test will reveal what you think.”
“Doc, it looks like some klutz
Flipped out and went nuts,
Then knocked over a bottle of ink.”

Tim James:

It’s exam time. Such anguish and woe!
I’ve not studied. I’m naked! Oh no!
Plus I can’t move or scream!
Wait…it’s only a dream.
What the hell? School was DECADES ago!

Bob Turvey:

Cried a lady, “My god what a whopper!
In use it should prove a show stopper!”
But when put to the test
It was lacking in zest
And it turned out to be a real flopper.

Dave Johnson:

His numbers are up as of late;
So Trump thinks indictments are great.
That notion, at best,
Would be put to the test
If “Guilty!” determines his fate.

Janice Canerdy, for her “A Student’s Rant:”

Them ole teechers is always such pests
With there homework and long, stoopid tests.
We already spells good,
And we talks like we should.
Their to mean to be pleezed with our bests!

J.OConnor:

Hermann Rorschach was not a great guest.
In fact, he was rather a pest.
He’d spill ink everywhere.
Stain your rugs and your chair.
Then tell you “It’s only a test.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

My friend was born gifted,- a star,
But I jitter when we’re in his car.
We came close to a merge
With a duck on a verge,
Now we’re three, on the verge, – in a bar.

Lisi Nortman:

When young, I could climb a big boulder.
I was gifted, but now I’m MUCH older.
The last time I merged,
I screamed and then purged,
And made a quick right to the shoulder.

Jean McEwen:

Even though I appear to be brave,
I feel jittery inside this cave.
Should my head fail to duck
I could forthwith get stuck.
Such an outcome would surely be grave.

Brian Allgar:

The film star was down on his luck;
He was not very gifted, the schmuck,
And he quacked when he spoke.
But they said: “Just the bloke!
He’ll be perfect to play Donald Duck!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Nervous Nellie in worry is stuck.
What is bound to befall her? Bad luck.
If she spies from afar
A divine shooting star,
She’ll jump out of her skin and yell, “Duck!”

Tim James:

A gifted young duck named McGee
Yearned to star in a show on TV.
But the nod went instead
To a horse, Mister Ed.
Show biz ain’t all it’s quacked up to be.

Dave Johnson:

The guys were quite nervous and jittery;
That Las Vegas club was so glittery.
Uneasiness surged
Till the showgirls emerged;
It seems they could handle the tittery.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Gail White, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Robert Schechter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (512)

Limerick-Off Award (510)

Saturday, June 24th, 2023

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

At the power plant, newcomer Dwight
Was not very careful or bright;
He shorted the grid,
And, you know, when he did,
It both was and was not a delight.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TEACHER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My mentor at work taught me this:
Never tell the boss something’s amiss.
When he says something dumb,
Shut your mouth and stay mum;
And don’t ever forget what to kiss.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: JOINT, LOVELY, NAP, TAX, CONQUER.

Mused one caveman — a sensitive chap —
Before giving his woman a rap,
“I would take time to conquer
My instinct to bonk her,
But then I’d miss out on my nap.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Paul Haebig, J.OConnor, Terry Marter, Judy Freed, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: LIGHT/DELIGHT-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEACHER-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

She pursued and eventually caught him.
It took a full day, but she taught him
All the ways to delight.
For the final that night,
His exam was complete, top to bottom.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHT/DELIGHT-RHYME DIVISION)

Paul Haebig:

The dragon beseeched the brave knight:
“Would you help me, kind sir, in my plight?
The fire’s gone out
At the end of my snout.
Could you possibly give me a light?”

J.OConnor, for his “acrostic” limerick:

Look at me and you’ll see that I’m light.
I’m as light as a feather and might
Get airborne with ease,
Head off in the breeze,
Then get stuck in a tree like a kite!

Terry Marter:

If you tend to post lims when you’re pissed,*
Your subtle wit’s ‘gems’ will be missed.
Your talent, so bright,
Will fail to delight,
Cause no one but you, gets the gist.
*Inebriated

Judy Freed:

She thought she was losing her sight.
Her vision got blurry at night.
Her fears were erased
When her bulbs were replaced.
She could see! It was purely de-light.

Rudy Landesman:

He intended to kiss her that night
By the moon’s bright and silvery light;
But there was an eclipse.
He could not find her lips.
He too, it would seem, wasn’t bright.

Mark Totterdell:

In my youth, life was fun as could be,
But the years have made changes in me.
Now my greatest delight
Would be sleeping all night
With no need to get up for a pee.

Lisi Nortman, who adds that many drivers take the Lincoln Tunnel to get from New Jersey to NYC:

If you’re taking the “Lincoln” tonight,
At the end, you should make a quick right.
Though those hookers don’t know you,
They’re happy to show you:
At the end of the tunnel, there’s light.

Paul Haebig:

I wanted to serve something light,
So I made some fish tacos last night.
But it didn’t work out;
Those ungrateful trout
Swam off without even a bite!

Terry Marter:

Some regard bawdy lim’ricks as trite
And prefer Lim’rick Lite as their rite.
While some others, imbued
With a bent to be crude,
Tend to use words like ‘shite’ with delight.

Mark Totterdell:

A limerick mentioning light
Is a thing I am sure I could write.
I’ve got plenty of time
To come up with a rhyme.
Now just when is that deadline? Oh shite!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEACHER-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Just explain how to do it,” she begs,
“And I’ll swallow it all to the dregs.”
“Grasp with fingers and thumbs,
Then suck hard till it comes …”
I had taught my old Gran to suck eggs.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’d like to give thanks to those teachers,
Who due to their no-nonsense features,
Helped build a foundation,
While real education,
Was going on under the bleachers.

Judy Freed:

All my life, how I’d hunger and yearn
For a love who would love in return.
Now I offer a course
In avoiding divorce.
’Cause we teach what we most need to learn.

J.OConnor:

Recommended by our local preacher,
She’s also a Sunday school teacher.
And she’ll accept checks
When you call her for sex.
But Sundays may be hard to reach her.

Bob Turvey:

Cried an old Orkney teacher named Stover,
“As a sadist I think I’m in clover.
Perhaps there are laws
On using the tawse,
But they don’t apply here so bend over.”

Lisi Nortman, who adds: “In 1969, I taught 5th grade for one year. One year was enough.”

If you want to teach 5th grade, beware!
You’ll repeatedly say this, I swear:
“Your hands don’t belong
In your pants; it’s just wrong.
And girls, please stop twirling your hair.”

Tony Holmes:

The instructor said, “Indicate right.”
I turned left. (You’ve discerned I’m not bright.)
For my second mistake,
I drove into the lake – –
They’re just keeping him in overnight.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: JOINT, LOVELY, NAP, TAX, CONQUER.)

Tim James:

A lovely girl carp known as Joy
Swiftly conquered the heart of each boy
In the fish pond. She’d flirt,
And then treat them like dirt.
It turned out she was just being koi.

Fred Bortz:

The lovely maid knew what he meant.
His eyes showed his evil intent.
He wouldn’t just conquer.
He’d ravish and bonk her
Until his desire was spent.

J.OConnor:

At night when the lights are down low
And his lovely wife’s watching a show,
He will say in her ear
“Are you napping my dear?”
Then she’ll always snore twice for a “NO.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When I doze with a wrap on my lap,
My young pup chews the thing into pap.
With his nose out of joint,
Soggy fluff makes his point:
“I have had quite enough of this nap!”

Dave Johnson:

When the bad news continues to tax,
We need to know how to relax.
Try napping or play;
Although some spend their day
Immersed in alternative facts.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I would write of the joints I have been to —
Taken women and children and men to —
But it’s best not to tax
My old brain for the facts
That I shouldn’t be putting my pen to.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award. To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, J.OConnor, Judy Freed, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »

Limerick-Off Award (509)

Saturday, May 27th, 2023

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Young Billy, as daft as they come,
Kicked a huge grizzly bear on the bum.
It was done as a dare,
But alas, now the bear
Has a Billy-sized bulge in its tum.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the PREPARATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Hans had eaten so much he could burst;
All the schnitzel and beer came up first.
He felt somewhat perplexed,
Thinking, “What will come next?”
While preparing himself for the wurst.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: RATING, BRAVE, BROAD, APPLE, QUARRELSOME.

On her dating app, vying for men,
Joy enhances her profile, and then,
To better compete,
She considers her feet,
And rates herself (broadly) a “ten.”

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins a Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

It began as a light-hearted dare,
That I wouldn’t strip off and walk bare
Down the length of the street
And greet ladies I meet
With, “Good morning! You’re welcome to stare.”
I made sure I was looking my best,
As one does when not wearing one’s vest.
Hearing nothing decried,
As I strode in my pride,
I believe the voyeurs were impressed.
All good things, though, must come to an end,
Lest an overindulgence offend.
It was time to behave.
I had dared and proved brave,
And – who knows? – may have started a trend.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Judy Freed, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Richard Orr, Bob Turvey, Robert Schechter, Tony Holmes, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Jon Nixon, BillR, J.OConnor, Terry Marter, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BEAR or BARE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PREPARATION-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Jean McEwen:

Plan to hike in the woods? Then prepare!
Pack some bug spray and trail mix to share.
To survive, if you can,
Make a getaway plan–
For you’re sure to encounter a bear.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Ranger Rick tells us how to prepare,
If, while hiking, we meet with a bear:
Wield a stick; jump and holler;
Lift arms (you’ll seem taller).
And if none of that works, try a prayer.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BEAR or BARE-RHYME DIVISION)

Judy Freed:

My friends sent me out on a dare,
To a beach where the bathers were bare.
My attempt to join in
Left a burn on my skin.
Can’t blame them. I guess it was fair.

Lisi Nortman:

I told Mama “I need to prepare
For a speech at “The Naturist Fair.”
Her response: “Here’s a trick.
Which is easy and quick:
Just picture your audience bare.”

Richard Orr:

A man at a bar, I declare,
Brought his stuffed support animal there.
Friends cried, “Go pet a skunk
Whilst incredibly drunk!”
In response he just grinned, “Hold my bear.”

Bob Turvey:

Camel drivers who got to the Bosphorus,
All shouted out, “Get glue and moss for us!
All our camels are bare
For we’ve sold all their hair
And we hope moss will cover the loss for us.”

Robert Schechter:

The grizzly announced, “I won’t wear
Any clothing, and simply don’t care
If people are rude
When they see I am nude.
As a grizzly, I have to be bear.”

Tony Holmes:

If you camp in the woods, do beware
That you may well encounter a bear.
He’ll have food on his mind –
You’ll be fine if he’s dined,
But if not, you’re legitimate fare.

Tim James:

Ms. Godiva got naked? Big deal.
As I’ve aged, I’ve discovered I feel
That I don’t really care
If she rode around bare.
But her choc’late? That still has appeal.

Dave Johnson:

Away from the usual glare,
That beach is for nudists to share.
But lately some cold
Weather strengthened its hold;
For many, it’s too much to bare.

Jon Nixon:

A tatty and balding old bear,
Said that life hadn’t treated him fair.
He cried, “on my life,
I swear I’m a Steiff,
But my button fell off with my hair!”

BillR:

The National Parks’ Smokey Bear
Has been known to go off on a tear.
He’ll smoke up a storm
To keep himself warm
’Cuz he really has no clothes to wear.

HONORABLE MENTIONS PREPARATION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

I soon will be marrying Ken.
I’m counting the minutes till then.
My one sacred vow,
Which I’m pledging right now,
Is “Never plan weddings again!”

Tim James:

“‘Be Prepared’ is our longstanding motto,”
I heard from a Boy Scout named Otto.
“I’ve stocked up on booze,
Which is something I’ll use
If a Girl Scout should want to get blotto.”

J.OConnor says:

The meal was an absolute treat,
A great gastronomical feat.
Took so long to prepare
So it doesn’t seem fair
That it took only minutes to eat.

Terry Marter:

“Be prepared!” I was told as a Scout,
To solve problems when out and about.
But when trouble found Me,
It caused me to pee.
Now my leadership badge is in doubt.

Lisi Nortman:

For tornadoes, our family’s rehearsed.
We all must prepare for the worst.
We put steak in our socks.
This plan really rocks,
Cause the search dogs will find us folks first.

Terry Marter:

Unprepared, he decided last night
To go sailing alone at first light.
A swipe from the boom
Knocked him into the spume
Where he watched his yacht sail out of sight.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: RATING, BRAVE, BROAD, APPLE, QUARRELSOME.)

Tim James:

A quarrelsome woman named Tess
Rates my lims a misogynist mess.
She thinks gals in my verse
Are all airheads or worse.
She’s no fan of broad humor, I guess.

Lisi Nortman:

Don’t stand there and casually view it.
The river is broad; go swim through it.
The essence of “brave”
Is how you behave.
If it scares you, no matter what, Do It.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Hiring female employees, for Rex,
Is hard. All he thinks of is sex.
With each broad it’s the same,
So instead of his name,
He signs every rating with “x.”

Judy Freed:

I once had a quarrelsome friend.
All her points she would bravely defend.
Till she sat on a spoke,
Swearing it was a joke.
Seems she had the last word in the end.

J.OConnor:

I’m painting with rather broad strokes
When I speak about quarrelsome folks
And I say that their skin
Would not be as thin
If they only learned how to take jokes.

Rudy Landesman:

You say you might leave the Big Apple?
With its problems you don’t want to grapple?
I say, pull up your socks,
Have a bagel with lox.
And be brave. Have some borscht. No, not Snapple!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tags: BillR, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Jon Nixon, Judy Freed, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Richard Orr, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Light Verse Contest, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (509)

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