Yet Another Valentine’s Day Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
St. Valentine’s Day can be risky
Cuz the men folk do tend to get frisky.
And watch out for the pious:
They sure like to try us
Before and yes after their whiskey.
*****
St. Valentine’s Day
may be over in theory–
never in spirit.
Ms. Legal Person returns by popular demand with advice for the holiday season. “Your free help was worth every penny,” wrote one satisfied reader. “Do you have malpractice insurance?” wrote … oops, wrong letter.
Okay, enough with the accolades and on with your questions:
Q: They hung mistletoe in my office, and I’m highly offended.
A: Why?
Q: It’s sexual harassment.
A: I see. Has anyone ever kissed you while you were standing under the mistletoe?
Q: No.
A: What about when you weren’t standing under the mistletoe.
Q. Certainly not.
A: That’s what I thought.
*****
Q: My birthday falls right before Christmas and I always get short-changed. Do I have any legal recourse?
A: You suffer from Badly Timed Birthday Syndrome. Fortunately, last year’s Anti-Discrimination and Mental Health Care Reform Bill included the Birthday Rehabilitation Act. It allows you to petition any federal judge to modify your birthday by no more than 30 days.
Q: That’s great news!
A: You need only prove that your birthday coincides with a key holiday, causing pain and suffering and depriving you of your fair share of attention and gifts.
Q: Wow! Can I also modify my birth year?
A: How old are you?
Q: 37.
A: I’m afraid not. But you’re free to lie like everyone else.
*****
Ms. Legal Person answers more of your holiday questions here.
(You can find more holiday humor here.)
Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing.
And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn’t buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it’s on sale.
But there is a cure for the holiday gift blues. Just substitute this agreement for those subtle hints — the ones that are always either missed or misconstrued. Then kiss that Returns Counter good-bye. This year’s gifts are for keeps.
AGREEMENT entered into this ___________ (Date) by Husband and Wife, hereafter called “Couple.”
WHEREAS, Couple often argues over ill-chosen gifts; and
WHEREAS, a gift giving agreement may save Couple’s marriage and/or reduce return trips to the mall.
NOW, THEREFORE, Couple hereby agrees to these provisions:
GIFTS FOR WIFE:
1. Self-serving gifts shall be avoided. For example, Husband shall not buy Wife the following:
a. Chocolate when Wife is on a diet.
b. Tight clothing meant to encourage Wife to diet.
c. Anything transparent.
2. Husband shall not give Wife practical gifts such as an iron, a dish washer, or a vacuum cleaner… unless husband plans to use them. … (My Mad Gift Giving Guide is continued here.)
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
