Posts Tagged ‘Fred Bortz’
Saturday, June 6th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Robert Schechter:
The sexiest instrument’s known
As the brassy and sassy trombone.
It loves to be slid.
There’s no hornier id!
But mostly it loves to be blown.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Janice Canerdy, Ian Graham, Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, Konrad Schwoerke, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
The bounciest girl he had known
Was astride him, and couldn’t be thrown.
But her thrusts were so rough
That he cried “That’s enough —
I think you’ve just broken my bone!”
Janice Canerdy:
Sue’s not in the bedroom alone,
But hubby’s as cold as a stone.
She begs, “Take this pill?”
He says, “Yes, I will.”
Her man is now bad to the bone.
Ian Graham:
Our orchestra’s lonesome trombone
Used to slide in and out on his own.
Now he’s living in sin
With the first violin
And she fiddles until his bone’s blown.
Fred Bortz:
In Genesis, God used a bone
To make Eve, though she wasn’t a clone.
So much for reliance
On DNA science!
Creationist truth has been shown.
Will T. Laughlin:
TO THE BOARD OF REGENTS
You demand explanations be shown
Why I met with my student alone.
Well, her field’s dinosaurs,
So she went through my drawers
‘Til she found my old fossilized bone.
Konrad Schwoerke:
The wifey had started to moan,
“When you’re out every night, I’m alone,
And your mistress gets bed…”
Interrupting, I said,
“Stop your bitching!” and threw her a bone.
Dave Johnson:
He was hired to play the trombone
At a socialite club in Bayonne.
His notes were quite mute
But a bulge in his suit
Caused the standing ovation alone.
Will T. Laughlin:
MEMO FROM THE DEFENSE DEPT.
Dear contractor: We have a bone
To pick. We had ordered a drone.
What you sent us in lieu
Is a didgeridu.
Very funny. Come back when you’re grown.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Ian Graham, Janice Canerdy, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Saturday, May 30th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Most lumberjacks, some say, are brutes,
Built for power from abs, pecs, and glutes.
But in math they do well.
Yes they truly excel.
Cutting logs, they compute all nth roots.
NOTE: I enjoyed the line 5 wordplay so much, that I violated my own general rule against limericks that may need an explanation. So if math humor makes you loggy, here’s Fred’s explanation:
For those who have forgotten or never learned logarithms, you can compute a square root by dividing the log of a number by two then finding the antilog of the result. Cube roots involve dividing the log by three. And in general, you can find the nth root by dividing the log by n.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Stephen Fleming, Kathy El-Assal, Kaye Roberts, and Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
Ten sailors were all in cahoots;
When on leave from their sea-going routes,
They would meet her to bang
As a nautical gang,
And they’d give her their ten-gun salutes.
Scott Crowder:
She never has colored her roots
Or toned-up her once perky fruits.
She’s more than okay
With her hair turning gray
And tucking her tits in her boots.
Colleen Murphy:
Said a carrot to tropical fruits,
“For sight we’re the favored recruits.”
But the kiwi replied,
“We’ve got C on our side.
So there! Now go back to your roots!”
Stephen Fleming:
I question a voter who roots
For the tally of feculent fruits
On the elephant ticket–
A baffling thicket
Of blustering arrogant suits.
Kathy El-Assal:
In Bayside, Mad put down her roots,
Then switched to word play from law suits.
Now Mark and his wife
Live a Queens-style life
With peons who bear pun-ish fruits.
Kaye Roberts:
A weight-lifter worked on his glutes.
His sinews were ropy, like roots.
Once skinny and fragile,
He’s not very agile,
But a mugger just looks, and then scoots.
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
A Scotsman named Ian McKloots
Played bagpipes that skirled squawky toots.
Until one day at last,
With kilt at half-mast,
He disclosed all his Manly McRoots.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Kathy El-Assal, Kaye Roberts, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Scott Crowder, Stephen Fleming, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Saturday, May 9th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Two businessmen plying their trade
Got caught up in an IRS raid.
Seems these ten-year-old crooks
Hadn’t kept proper books:
They were bootlegging pure lemonade.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Michael Alan Rosson, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
She was lying quite nude in the shade
When the soldiers marched by on parade.
One came to attention.
I’d better not mention
The weapon he proudly displayed.
Colleen Murphy:
The troops had conducted the raid
But their targets withstood, unafraid.
Though the Boy Scouts rehearsed,
Foes would not be coerced,
For the Daisies were truly first grade.
Dave Johnson:
They’re down in the county of Dade;
To Haulover Beach they have strayed.
Clothing-optional’s where
They’ll wander and stare
At the boobies and butts on parade.
Fred Bortz:
“Our Mother’s Day special parade
Will be canceled,” he said, “I’m afraid.
But our scheduling guy
Was a little bit high,
And his calendar left us dis-Mayed.”
Michael Alan Rosson:
’Round the house the old man was dismayed
When his semi-nude wife would parade.
He did not so much care
What she did/did not wear–
He just hated the brass band that played.
Dave Johnson:
A bagpiper — Angus Kincaid
Had his moment at this year’s parade.
He was over a vent,
Way up his kilt went;
Three ladies then rushed to his aid.
Will T. Laughlin: (for his BAD DATE)
“Sigh. I’ll bet he wants nookie in trade
For the horrible meal that he made…
I’ll lay odds ten to one
That he’ll grin when he’s done
Like he wants me to throw a parade!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Michael Alan Rosson, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 25th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to GARY HENDERSON, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Since her kitty was always quite wet,
She consulted the neighborhood vet.
He prodded and poked.
“I’d do more,” he half joked,
“But really, we’ve only just met!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sue Dulley, Kirk Miller, Fred Bortz, Charley Simmons, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Dave Johnson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
He was famed for superb “Crepes Suzette”;
All the food critics loved him, and yet
In his “Beef Cannelloni”
Were kitten and pony –
The chef bought supplies from a vet.
Sue Dulley:
A man tours the world on a jet
While thousands of dollars in debt.
“Thank goodness” he smiles
“For aeroplan miles,
Or I might have to sell the Corvette.”
Kirk Miller:
In southeastern Asia I met
A veterinarian, Brett.
He has moved to the States.
His competitor hates
That he says he’s a Vietnam vet.
Fred Bortz:
A vigorous volatile vet
Had a vibrating viperous pet.
Voracious for voles,
It victimized moles.
His rattler’s named “Rodents’ Regret.”
Charley Simmons:
A gal took her hound to the vet
With a story he hadn’t heard yet:
“I bent over this morning.
He jumped me — no warning.
Trim his nails. He’s my favorite pet.”
Will T. Laughlin:
When the kids go to bed, don’t forget:
We must always take care not to let
Grandpa put ’em to sleep.
Though his kindness runs deep,
He’s forgetful … and once was a vet.
Allen Wilcox:
Those running so far are all wet.
We know little about them, and yet,
They’re all dogs, one can see–
Almost all GOP.
It’s clear that they all need a vet.
Dave Johnson:
The sax player wanted to vet
A new drummer to join his quintet.
Her style was just right
And he hoped that he might
One day soon get to play with her set.
Tim James:
She’s a sight that I’ll never forget:
Lean and muscular, curvy and wet.
I caress her, and she
Opens up, welcomes me.
I so loves me that cherry-red ’Vette.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Charley Simmons, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Gary Henderson, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick of the Week (210)
Saturday, March 21st, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
I’ve been lost in the desert all day,
And my clothes are beginning to fray.
Now the vulture team dips,
And they’re smacking their lips
As the biggest one quips “Let us prey.”
Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Kevin Ahern, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Will T. Laughlin:
Those folks cause my temper to fray,
Who claim it’s a choice to be gay.
But I’ll lower my voice:
Being dumb is no choice,
And you can’t pray the Stupid away.
Kevin Ahern:
A sex-changing Swede in the fray
Said the surgery all went OK.
This ex-woman wrote
In a notable quote
“I sure wasn’t Bjorn yesterday.”
Brian Allgar:
The skydiver found with dismay
That his chute was beginning to fray.
It was no use at all
When he entered free fall,
And he ended his dive as purée.
Fred Bortz:
I’ve been watching my good nature fray
As climate deniers delay.
That Tea Party faction
Blocks government action.
All we need, they profess, is to pray.
Dave Johnson:
He insisted on having his way,
And her nerves were beginning to fray.
So she said “OK, fine
Then you pick the wine;
But please, no more boxed Chardonnay!”
Byron Ives:
We met at a Waikiki fray.
I fetched us Mai Tais right away.
She said with a wink,
“Gee, thanks for the drink.
I suppose you’re expecting a lei?”
And congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Does the thought of a nuclear fray
On your mind ever heavily weigh?
To allay your concern
It might help if you learn
From a story I’d like to convey.
We were close, in a land far away
To a plan that Iran would obey.
But before they could sign
The proverbial line
Junior Cotton stepped into the fray.
Cotton’s hope was to cause a delay
Or to side-track, unsettle, and fray
Global nuclear talks
While congressional hawks
Rattle sabers and bluster and bray.
Junior Cotton contends by the way
That the presidency is passé,
That a deal with ‘The Chief’
Would be worthless and brief
And in statecraft the Senate holds sway.
But his stupid seditious display
Caused the Tea Party caucus to fray.
And while they’re walking back
His subversive attack
Saner statesmen will Kerry the day.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Kevin Ahern, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, March 14th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny acrostic limerick:
Plutocracy claims wealth’s a prize,
Rewarding hard work. It’s all lies:
In fact, many show
Zero skill making dough,
Except when a relative dies.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Dave Johnson, Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James, whose limerick is directed to a Benjamin Franklin quote:
Mr. Franklin, you need to apprise
Ev’ry man: if he’s early to rise
After early to bed,
He’s got rocks in his head
’Cause his lady will date other guys.
Dave Johnson:
She thought she might win the big prize
On that show with those glamorous guys.
But a singer she ain’t;
Her voice blistered paint.
Now she’s back once again serving fries.
Allen Wilcox:
All members of Congress must rise
To show that they know that it’s wise
To continue all fights
For strong civil rights,
By keeping their ayes on the prize.
Brian Allgar:
Dr. Spooner said: “I must apprise
My detractors – your jokes are unwise.
I tell you,” he grumbled,
“My stung never tumbled;
It’s all been a great lack of pies.”
Fred Bortz:
He cannot believe what he spies.
What a rack, what great ankles and thighs!
But the view from behind
Is what’s blowing his mind.
Callipygian gals win the prize!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, March 7th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
I’ve a fetish for moisture: a moat,
Or some pond, or a pool gets my vote.
Any sex is way better
When things are way wetter;
It’s water that’s floating my boat.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Allen Wilcox, Scott Crowder, Will T. Laughlin, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kevin Ahern:
It’s with sorrow I send you this note.
The repairmen has said and I quote,
“The TV’s in danger;
With no channel changer
Its recovery chance is remote.”
Fred Bortz:
Santorum is known to emote,
“First man-on-man, then man-on-goat!”
Said a goatherd named Thomas,
“If that is a promise,
Then Rick will be getting my vote!”
Brian Allgar:
The actress could never emote;
On the screen, she recited by rote.
But the girl was no slouch
On the old casting-couch,
So they chose her by popular vote.
Colleen Murphy:
My five-year old left us a note:
“I’m heading to places remote
Cause father and mother
You gave me a brother
And no one considered my vote.”
Allen Wilcox:
With chances of winning remote,
The head of the party took note,
“Put away all your tissues;
Can’t win on the issues,
So let’s try suppressing the vote.”
Scott Crowder:
I asked her last night and I quote,
“Where the hell is that fucking remote?”
It soon came to pass,
It’s so far up my ass,
I change channels by clearing my throat.
Will T. Laughlin:
We got in our vessel to float
Far away to an island remote
Where there’s no damned TV.
Hold it — who’s this I see?
Is that Gilligan? BACK TO THE BOAT!
Steve Whitred:
She said “Dear, we’ve become so remote,
And I fear on the nanny you dote.”
He said “Darling, I swear
I’ve not touched the Au Pair,
But I have been beguiled by the goat.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Kevin Ahern, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest | 4 Comments »
Saturday, January 31st, 2015
It’s time to announce the TWO-HUNDREDTH Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to PATRICE STEWART A/K/A PATRICE OF THE MANYCATS, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The crew was refusing to clap
For the actors and muttered, “What crap.
We feel sick – lunch was bad!
We’re not sure what we had.”
And were told, with disgust, “It’s a wrap.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Tim James, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose.
Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Scott Crowder:
A gal heard a thunderous clap
And felt something warm in her lap.
She’d found, so it seems,
The man of her dreams,
But sadly, awoke from her nap.
Colleen Murphy:
I really had wanted to clap
When the speaker stopped moving her yap,
But her speech was so boring
I guess I was snoring.
She’d lectured me into a nap.
Jon Gearhart:
Sherlock Holmes was inspecting the gap
Twixt the legs of yo mama when, “Snap!”
Her legs clamped around him.
That’s where Watson found him;
He died in “The Case of the Clap.”
Brian Allgar:
“How on earth did I pick up the clap?”
She beseeched a young medical chap.
“If you really don’t know,”
He said, “Well, let me show
You this human anatomy map.”
Fred Bortz:
Said Ludwig, “Four notes make a clap
Of thunderous fate that will wrap
Your soul in a tower
Of musical power.”
Said his musical rival, “What crap!”
Tim James:
A paradigm shift’s when you scrap
All your old preconceptions as crap.
With Mad’s new rhymes appearing,
It’s akin to my hearing
Rice Krispies go pock, snapple, clap.
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
It’s considered uncultured to clap
At the symphony during a gap.
When the fiddlers pause
Just hold your applause
And don’t wake me up from my nap.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Patrice Stewart, Scott Crowder, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Sunday, January 18th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A man fell in love with a tart
@ lonely dot com backslash heart.
He craved her affection,
Yet used no protection,
And now his computer won’t start.
Congratulations to Allen Wilcox on winning the Limerick Saga Award for his clever 3-verser:
A man fell in love with a tart
Who thought that tattooing was art.
He, being quite daft,
Let her practice her craft
And proceed on his most private part.
As you might well imagine, the tart
Needed firmness before she could start.
So she used an injection
For proper erection
And pain pills brought in by the cart.
Her masterpiece finished, the tart
Explained that her tatting might smart,
And whenever he “sinned,”
He would always break wind,
Which made it a true work of fart.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ron B., Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
The waitress had brought him a tart,
But Count Dracula fancied her heart.
So although at this venue
Blood’s not on the menu,
He just served himself à la carte.
Ron B.:
A fellow had picked up a tart
– At least so he thought at the start –
Until gasping for air
He announced with despair,
“’Twas a quiche with an art…uh…choke heart.”
Jon Gearhart:
Are philosophers’ words sweet or tart?
“I think so I am,” said Descartes.
Berkeley said, “If I am,
So is God.” “Life’s a sham.
Yes, it is. No it’s not.”– Jean-Paul Sartre.
Colleen Murphy:
If ever you’re dating a tart,
Precaution with sex would be smart.
You don’t know where she’s been.
To ignore’d be akin
To battling a gun with a dart.
Fred Bortz:
Marge Simpson was baking a tart
For Homer and Lisa and Bart.
She cried out, “Oh, no!
I’ve no yeast for the d’oh.”
But at least it gave Pesach a start.
Ron B.
Men madly will fall for a tart
Who, shallow of mind and of heart,
Will claim her vows taken
Have long been forsaken
By death never doing its part.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Ron B., Scott Crowder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Sunday, December 14th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Brian Allgar, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The hooker was playing her grand
While caressing her customer’s gland.
When he asked “How d’you do it?”
She said “Nothing to it —
It’s a piece by Ravel for Left Hand.”
Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Byron Ives, C. Adams, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Richard Diakun, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, Ron B., and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Byron Ives:
He told her he’d charge just a grand
For a castle, built just as she planned.
She scowled, “You’re a leech,
Get off of this beach!
Take your bucket and cups and pound sand!”
C. Adams:
A woman had hopes that were grand.
Get rich, that is what she had planned.
She became a celeb,
From some pics on the web.
I must stop now. Can’t type with one hand.
Fred Bortz:
To Creationists, mankind is grand.
At life’s pinnacle, that’s where we stand.
But I say if it’s true
We’re the best God can do
Then the deity needs to re-brand.
Robert Schechter:
There’s just one piano, the grand,
Upon which I’d deign lay a hand.
Don’t think for a minute
I’d play a damn spinet.
Such keyboards are banned from my band.
Richard Diakun:
I owed my old bookie nine grand
The games didn’t go as I planned
Now, Tony wants bank
Or his boys break my crank–
It’s useless since they broke my hand!
Will T. Laughlin, for his acrostic limerick:
“We the Jury (not trial, but Grand)
Have decided to NOT reprimand.
In fact, you might say
That we functioned today
Exactly the way we were planned.”
Colleen Murphy:
He claimed the ring cost him a grand.
“The finest in all of the land.”
But I felt some distrust
When is started to rust
And it left a green mark on my hand.
Ron B., for his “No Grander Philanderer:”
A man whose delusions were grand
expected that just as he planned
his wife and his lover
would gladly discover
that neither could meet his demand.
Konrad Schwoerke:
“For your hit, I was paid fifty grand.
Do you want to know what I’ve got planned?”
“No, oblivion’s best;
I don’t want to be stressed.”
So I buried his head in the sand.
And congratulations to Jon Gearhart and Jonathan Jensen, who jointly win a special Political Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Jon Gearhart:
Aren’t those bendy contortionists grand?
I’ve seen one that for 6 years can stand
With one foot in his mouth,
His head stuffed up down south,
Still golfing and leading our land!
Jonathan Jensen:
Oh, political potshots are grand,
But your mindset I don’t understand.
It’s not “44”
Who took us to war
And laid waste to a far distant land.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, C. Adams, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Jonathan Jensen, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Richard Diakun, Robert Schechter, Ron B., Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Sunday, November 30th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ROBERT BASLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Oh honey, please look at my butt.
Does this dress make it bigger, or what?
But before you reply
I am armed, which is why
You shouldn’t just go with your gut.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Kathy El-Assal, Byron Ives, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Robert Schechter:
There were no ifs or ands, just a but
(With only one “t”– this ain’t smut!),
But an editor’s threat
Made me change it to “yet”
And the but was accordingly cut.
Brian Allgar:
Sarah Palin is often the butt
Of deriders who think she’s a nut.
Though she has, it is true,
A one-figure IQ,
Her mouth is quite cute – when it’s shut.
Fred Bortz:
A billy goat shows he can butt,
While a peacock will swagger and strut,
But a macho man here
Will just guzzle his beer
And display his protuberant gut.
Kathy El-Assal:
Derrière is just one word for butt.
Of synonyms there are a glut:
Ass, tochus and heinie
(Bodacious to tiny)
Be cheeky, don’t fall in a rut!
Byron Ives:
Life is sometimes a kick in the butt,
And for most, it’s just not that clear cut.
Oh, sure, you can prove
You’re in a great groove,
And then wonder, is this groove a rut?
Tim James:
A guy had a pain in the butt
When, surprised in the midst of a rut
By the gal’s jealous man,
He got shot in the can,
Thus depriving this cock of his strut.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Fred Bortz, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick of the Week (191)
Saturday, November 22nd, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The Republicans now see the light!
Executive orders aren’t right!
Yet when I remind them
That Ron Reagan signed them,
They answer, “But Reagan was white!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Colleen Murphy, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Robert Basler, Jon Gearhart, Konrad Schwoerke, and Fred Bortz, for his four-verse science saga. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
A criminal pun came to light
When a bedbug decided one night
To hold a church wedding
Right there in the bedding:
An example of mite making rite.
Colleen Murphy:
“The trouble with traveling light
Is I won’t know which outfit is right,”
Said my daughter while packing.
No clothes was she lacking,
As she filled up two bags for one night.
Brian Allgar:
Though his needs for nutrition were light,
The vampire felt peckish that night,
And invited a maid
Who had foolishly strayed:
“My dear, do you fancy a bite?”
Robert Schechter:
My girlfriend is so impolite!
In the course of one glorious night
Of unbridled ardor,
She said, “Were it harder,
Perhaps you’d be doing it right.”
Robert Basler:
A music motif that is leit
Is a common Wagnerian sight.
It’s a theme that’s recurring
In opera, all during–
If you miss it, you can’t be too bright.
Jon Gearhart:
A damp cellar can make the heart light
As an entymological site
For a group that elects
To study in sects
With their peers, a combined show of mite.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Our waitress is such a delight,
But the diners are sometimes a fright.
One tried copping a feel;
Now he’s wearing his meal,
So we think she has served the guy right.
Fred Bortz:
Though Planck’s math used quanta of light,
He still did not think that was right.
Young showed light behaves
Exactly like waves.
Then Maxwell’s math made that case tight.
Herr Einstein, of course, saw the light:
In photoelectrics, you might
Need only one quantum
(Or more if you want ’em)
To eject an electron. That’s right!
Then deBroglie declared that if light
Is both wavelike and grainy, you might
Find electrons the same,
And when Schrödinger came,
We saw Quantum Mechanics take flight.
Though limericks make this tale light,
The science behind it is quite
A profound undertaking
And foundation-shaking.
That’s why we call physicists bright.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, October 4th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:
As companies downsize and trim,
The outlook for some folks is grim.
Those in theater? Don’t be
Too surprised if you see
That it’s curtains for you (likely scrim.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Way2fractious a/k/a Noisemaker, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Fred Bortz:
When he went to the mohel for a trim,
He avowed, “My conversion’s no whim.
It’s for wedding night pride.”
Said the mohel, “Bless your bride!”
The groom winked and replied, “It’s for him.”
Kirk Miller:
When some branches of bushes I trim,
I am hit in the eye by a limb.
The impact imparts
A whacking that smarts.
I’ve been bushwhacked. I’m feeling quite grim.
Brian Allgar:
She was elegant, pretty and trim;
I was bursting with sexual vim,
But my hard-on regressed
When the hooker undressed
And I found that the “her” was a “him.”
Byron Ives:
Crazy Kim was out painting her trim
When a sheriff showed up, very grim:
“Since you shot at John Dunn
With a blank starter gun,
You’ll be charged with a race crime, Miss Kim.”
Way2fractious:
Her body was svelte, sleek and trim,
For herself (and to look good for him),
Lest her frame become dense
And he stray o’er the fence–
Such domestic noblesse that we limn!
Allen Wilcox:
The pilot was trying to trim,
And the margin of error was slim.
He leveled off ’round
Twenty feet underground –
A landing admittedly grim.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Way2fractious, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, September 27th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The comic made jokes that were lame.
“I’ll tell you why Caesar’s my name:
I was set in a whirl
By this beautiful girl —
I saw her, I conquered, I came.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Jon Gearhart, Brendan Powers, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
Mother’s sister is just a bit lame,
But she has quite a powerful frame.
She encountered a mugger
And laid out the bugger.
Since then she’s been called “Auntie Maim.”
Byron Miller:
If while hunting, you leave your prey lame,
Please don’t make it your new claim to fame.
It’s not cool when you brag
About wounding a stag…
Unless aiming to maim is your game.
Jon Gearhart:
Do you want to know what I think’s lame?
I’m sick of our Congress’s game.
Are political folk
In all countries a joke?
I’ll bet Poland has more of the Sejm.
Brendan Powers:
My boss, he tells jokes that are lame.
“You’re so funny!” I falsely proclaim.
That’s the way it must go
Until I’m CEO
And can give him a dose of the same!
Fred Bortz:
Brigitte’s lingerie isn’t lame,
But that’s what her posts oft proclaim.
I declare here today
That she’s hot in lamé.
It’s the “accent aigu” that’s to blame!
Kirk Miller:
My TV has a setting that’s lame.
It’s a shame they mislabeled the name.
I set “brightness” to “max”
And then gave a few whacks,
But intelligence stayed just the same.
Tim James:
A fellow, incredibly lame,
Cried in rapturous joy when he came:
“I love you, Liz, madly!”
It ended quite badly
’Cause Elizabeth wasn’t her name.
Sue Dulley:
The earliest lim’ricks were lame:
“There once was a man (insert name)
Who did (such-and-such,
Not amounting to much)…”
And line 5 as line 1 was the same.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brendan Powers, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, August 23rd, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The King found it more to his taste
That his wives have their noggins displaced,
So when Anne Boleyn said
“May I offer thee head?”
Henry grinned, and assured her “Thou may’st.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Edmund Conti, Frank Osen, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Susan Settje, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
The meal had a savory taste
And the cooking-show judges embraced
And enjoyed ev’ry course
With no clue it was horse.
Did it win? It did not, but it placed.
Edmund Conti:
You’re finding you’re using poor taste
In composing these lim’ricks post-haste.
Don’t get angry, get Mad.
She’ll critique just a tad
And adjust a syl-LA-ble misplaced.
Frank Osen:
A fellow with terrible taste,
Said, when asked why he ate only paste:
“Well, I used to make stews
From the stuff in my loos,
but I found that a horrible waste.”
Colleen Murphy:
The gigolo thought he should taste
For a bit, what it’s like to be chaste.
But with minutes gone by
He then asked himself why
He would put his fine package to waste.
Fred Bortz:
That Congressman left a bad taste
Of obstruction, corruption, and waste.
“So he lost?” You’re mistaken.
He brought home the bacon,
So he beat each opponent he faced.
Susan Settje:
As a school girl, I sought out the taste
in that sweet little jar of white paste.
Then I caught my first scent
Of some rubber cement
And all thoughts of that paste were erased.
Jon Gearhart:
The recipe’s terrible taste
Was in need of a change, and posthaste.
I found that the dish
Had the taste of bad fish,
So I found a good fish and re-plaiced!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Edmund Conti, Frank Osen, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Susan Settje, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, August 9th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A psychic impaled on a post,
Who was weary of being a host,
Said: “I’m not at all mad;
It’s a boon to me, Vlad,
Cuz I’m ready to give up the ghost.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Allen Wilcox, Byron Ives, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
The bugler had played the Last Post,
And they’d drunk a memorial toast.
But they heard a faint shout
From the grave: “Lemme out!”
For the Colonel was far from a ghost.
Fred Bortz:
The priest was removed from his post
For creating a fraudulent host.
The substitute cracker
With nary a backer
Was leftover stale garlic toast.
Allen Wilcox:
A woman decided to post
Facebook pictures revealing the most
Private parts of her bod
With no text – why, how odd?
She was way, way too bashful to boast.
Byron Ives:
With zits like a knotty pine post,
She repulsed all her peers, at least most.
But brainy Jerome
Held her hand, walked her home.
She had netted much more than she grossed
Jon Gearhart:
My wife may be dumb as a post,
But that’s not what matters the most.
Her heart’s golden pure,
She’s loyal for sure,
And spreads quicker than butter on toast!
Brian Allgar:
“You’ll find I’m as stiff as a post,”
Was the hopeful Lothario’s boast.
But the girl, unimpressed,
Said “You’re just like the rest,
Except that you’re shorter than most.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, August 2nd, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Fred Bortz:
A competitor of the first rank
Took his speed-eating prize to the bank.
He never got flustered.
With relish, he mustered
The courage to swallow each frank.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Diane Groothuis, Brian Allgar, Konrad Schwoerke, and Sancho Panza. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Diane Groothuis:
A lady of very high rank
Gave her butler a check that was blank,
Saying “Spend what you will.
The sex was a thrill,
And remember to re-fill my tank.”
Brian Allgar:
The General tried to pull rank
On a female cadet in his tank.
She was eager to please
And went down on her knees,
But the charge in his cannon was blank.
Konrad Schwoerke:
An artist, whose sketches would rank
With the best, was forthcoming and frank:
“It would seem that my muse
Is providing no cues,
So right now, I am drawing a blank.”
Sancho Panza:
A woman was trying to rank
The men who would lay by her flank,
But she couldn’t decide
If the time of the ride
Trumped the length and the width of their shank.
Brian Allgar:
The Captain, abusing his rank,
Exclaimed as the ship hit a bank,
“Forget children and women.
They’ll have to try swimmin’,”
Then jumped in the lifeboat … which sank.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sancho Panza, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Sunday, July 13th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The barkeep’s wife, Tilley, I’d drill
Ev’ry chance I could get — what a thrill!
But I took it too far
Having sex in the bar;
I got caught with my hand in his Till.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Okay ladies, you know the drill:
No diaphragm, condom, or pill
Will be bought by employers
Who have the best lawyers
Like Hobbyin’ Lobbyists will.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Allen Wilcox, Kathy El-Assal, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
My hillbilly gal knew the drill;
She would make the best moonshine until
Fed’ral agents one day
Came and took her away.
Now she’s gone, and I yearn for her still.
Allen Wilcox:
The delegates – they knew the drill.
As they lined up to sign, they were still.
To declare they were free,
Which soon they would be,
They stood tall and were all dressed to quill.
Kathy El-Assal:
In cat houses, girls know the drill:
It’s giving their clients a thrill.
With mirrors revealing
What clothes were concealing,
The need for blue pills will be nil.
Brian Allgar:
Said Shakespeare “Thou knowest the drill.
’Tis said every Jack shall have Jill.
’Twixt thy legs I shall lay me —
Seek not to gainsay me,
For where there’s a way, there’s a Will.”
Colleen Murphy:
The young man repeated the drill
He did with incredible skill.
(He perfected this knowledge
By going to college.)
Pour the beer, chug it down, then refill.
Fred Bortz:
The surgeon perfected the drill.
He made each incision with skill.
He created a hole
Where there once was a pole,
And Ms. Willa was no longer Bill.
Byron Ives:
In boot camp, Will sure knew the drill.
To shoot on the range was a thrill.
He’d never been shot,
But it made his sack taut
When the sergeant yelled, “FIRE AT WILL!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, June 28th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse, which he calls “HEIDI-HO.”
Attracted by Hollywood vice,
Men swarmed to her brothel like mice.
So, what kept them staying?
You know the old saying:
“Time’s fun when we’re all having Fleiss.”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
The Captain gave friendly advice:
“Drink up, folks, it’s all in the price!”
The party was manic
Aboard the “Titanic”;
The guests were all breaking the ice.
Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, KONRAD SCWOERKE, BRIAN ALLGAR, and WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Chris Doyle:
“Writing lim’ricks, my love, is a vice,”
Says my wife, “And you’ll pay a stiff price.
Spending all of your time
Crafting meter and rhyme
Means that I’m growing colder than ice.”
Konrad Schwoerke:
Writing lim’ricks just might be a vice,
And will seldom add amorous spice,
But my wife is sure glad
I’m not out being bad
Like the past, where I had (once or twice).
Brian Allgar:
Just tell her that you’d never cheat her,
But honestly, nothing is sweeter
For limerick-writers
Than spending all-nighters
With girls who admire your meter.
Will T. Laughlin:
Gee, Brian: it could be my age,
But I seem to have bypassed that stage.
If I’m hoping for action,
I don’t get much traction
From words that I put on a page.
I’ll ask my wife, “What do you think
Of this verse I just wrote?” First she’ll blink;
Then she’ll hand me some cash
From her personal stash,
And say, “Find some loose women. Or drink.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Konrad Schwoerke, Kevin Ahern, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, and Paula R. Moore. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Konrad Schwoerke:
Truth be told, I have only one vice,
A small quirk that, for me, adds some spice.
It’s not thousand foot drops,
Or a fistfight with cops;
What I love is to skate on thin ice.
Kevin Ahern:
The dog pound gives out this advice
In a clever attempt to entice:
“Leasing dogs is a way
To test out a stray.
You should check out our low cur rent price.”
Brian Allgar:
Miranda knew nothing of vice,
And her swimsuit was modestly nice.
But the guys queued for fucks:
“Special offer, five bucks!”
She’d forgotten to take off the price.
Fred Bortz:
My inner boss has this advice.
You may limerick-off once or twice.
Any more and he curses:
“I’ll choke your vice, verses!”
I can’t let my book pay the price.
Jon Gearhart:
Politicos share the same vice.
It’s power, whatever the price.
They’ll cater their views
Depending on who’s
In the crews they must schmooze and entice.
Paula R. Moore:
A fellow had bought a device
Which was sold to make gold out of rice.
He cooked it and milled it
And blanched it and grilled it.
No gold, but it did entice mice.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Kevin Ahern, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Paula R. Moore, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Saturday, June 7th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Her eyes were the color of slate.
And her oral endurance? First-rate.
Half a dozen and two
Guys collapsed while she blew.
It all proved that she sure could fell eight.
Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Her eyes were the color of slate.
Her breasts would increase my heart’s rate.
And now that I think
Of the part that was pink,
This last line will just have to wait.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Konrad Schwoerke, Chris Doyle, Jen Harris, Brian Allgar, CJ@ProArtz, Sue Dulley, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Konrad Schwoerke:
The sea was the color of slate
When we spied her afloat on a crate.
Once aboard our small ship
She began a slow strip,
So we drew to see who she’d first mate.
Chris Doyle:
With an Aussie tour topping his slate,
William tended to matters of state.
He could not have foretold
What the world would behold
On his trip — the “down under” of Kate.
Jen Harris:
I’m forgetful — my mind’s a blank slate.
But poetry can carry weight.
Now – what was I writing?
For what am I fighting?
Please apprize me, before it’s too late.
Brian Allgar:
His teeth are the colour of slate;
He walks with a simian gait;
He has a huge belly
That shakes like a jelly —
Which is why he prefers a blind date.
CJ@ProArtz:
I’m aging — my mind’s a blank slate.
My hair loss reveals a bald pate.
I’m so ready to squeal
Over lost sex appeal.
My only gain, lately, is weight.
Sue Dulley:
The menu, scrawled out on a slate
In the pub, let us choose what we ate.
The food was not ‘light’
And the staff took all night,
But the dinner was well worth the weight.
Fred Bortz:
With Agnew on Tricky Dick’s slate,
The country would first have to wait
For Crook 2 to resign.
Then the boss was in line
To receive his appropriate fate.
But Gerry Ford then cleared the slate,
Leaving us in a dubious state.
But there’s one thing for sure,
When a pol is impure,
The scandal will end with a “gate.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, CJ@ProArtz, Fred Bortz, Jen Harris, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
