Posts Tagged ‘Fred Bortz’
Saturday, February 1st, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Ray’s vineyard has gotten much praise,
Although wine’s not produced there these days;
A sweet treat’s all the craze,
Eaten so many ways,
As Ray’s raisins are raised by sun’s rays.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DANCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
As a girl she had studied ballet,
And she practiced her moves ev’ry day.
As she bent to that task,
Other children would ask:
“Can Anna come out and plié?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, William Preston, Sharon Neeman, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Daisy Hyrkas, Roger Haugen, Dave Johnson, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DANCE LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
When we’re dancing, her eyes tend to glaze,
And I bask in their soft, dreamy rays –
Till I tread on her toes!
Then the swearwords she knows
Would outclass all the oaths in Roget’s.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
On Twitter Real Don would repeat
Nasty words he picked up on the street;
He’d use them to raze
Reputations, most days,
Then most nights beat a hasty retweet.
William Preston:
Though the sun and the moon have their rays,
One works nights, and the other works days.
Said the sun to the moon,
“Now, don’t set in a swoon,
But your rays are just merely a phase.”
Brian Allgar:
Once again, I am utterly pissed
By the rhyme-words that “Rhyme Word” has missed.
Disbelieving, I gaze
At the entries for ‘raise,’
But ‘erase’ can’t be found in their list.
Sharon Neeman:
Though the poker joint’s no-smoke these days,
It once reeked of old cigarette haze —
Till the day that Big Mabel
Tipped over the table
And cried, “I can’t see; I won’t raise!”
Byron Miller:
It’s regrettable we’ve had to raze
All your cities to naught but a haze,
But Commander-in-Chief
Loves his burgers of beef
And the cattle need grassland to graze.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My surgeon I’m happy to praise;
He is brilliant in so many ways.
His name’s “Doc Lapoint.”
He replaced my sore joint
And deserves lots of Hip Hip Hoo Rays!
Tony Holmes:
When a winsome young ewe takes his eye,
Farmer Grout isn’t one to be shy.
By the Moon’s eerie rays,
In the old-fashioned ways,
He romances the ‘lass’ on the sly.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DANCE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
The bar on the corner was grand;
You could dance to a real decent band —
Till the barmaid, no sport,
Took the owner to court
For misuse of a too-frisky hand.
Lisi Nortman, for her Hokey Pokey:
First the right foot went in and then out.
At our parties, the kids had no doubt
That the left foot was next —
Never made us perplexed,
And that’s what it all was about.
Daisy Hyrkas:
I stood on the edge of the chair,
Gave a kick and I danced in mid-air.
As I struggled and fought,
An irrelevant thought:
There’s hair on my legs. I need Nair.
Roger Haugen:
Embraced in a slow sexy dance,
She slid her warm hand down his pants;
The cannon was loaded
And promptly exploded–
So much for a one-shot romance.
Lisi Nortman:
When you dance, you must stay with the beat.
It’s the rhythm that makes it so sweet:
It’s “a one an a two,”
Really easy to do,
And sort of like lim’riks for feet.
Dave Johnson:
Some people, convinced they can dance,
Are nothing but preening and prance.
Their singular flair:
Waving hands in the air;
As bad as Sean Spicer? No chance!
Fred Bortz:
He argues as if we are twits.
His dance tears all reason to bits.
His Twist and his Mash
Transform logic to hash,
So we call it the Dersho-half-witz.
Brian Allgar:
She can do an incredible tango,
And wait till you see her fandango!
All this, if you please,
While she grips with her knees
An enormously fat, juicy mango.
Tony Holmes:
“If we dance in the old-fashioned way,
I might mount an unwelcome display.
Should you happen to feel
What I fail to conceal,
And you find it distracting, please say.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, William Preston, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 3 Comments »
Saturday, November 9th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One night, I undid my car’s lock,
Then I watched from afar like a hawk.
Along came a robber.
I smiled, dripping slobber.
With what did I clobber? A rock!
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special JAZZ-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
In a very conservative nation
Where musical improvisation
Is viewed with disdain,
Playing jazz leads to pain
From a sentence of defenestration.
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse:
Tony Holmes:
‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”
“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”
‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’
“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”
The rest of this saga is here.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Suzanne Heymann, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Roger Haugen, John Bergstrom, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOCK” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Delilah!” cried Samson in shock,
“This haircut will make people gawk.”
Then he tried to stand tall
For his manhood and all,
But went limp when she lopped the last lock.
Brian Allgar:
The voters, a gullible flock,
Had swallowed unthinkingly, lock,
Stock, and barrel, that guy’s
Endless boasting and lies –
Including the size of his cock.
Tim James:
An apparel firm pumped up their stock:
“It’ll double in price! It’s a lock!
Our source of success is
Our fine women’s dresses!”
The truth is, I don’t give a frock.
Daisy Hyrkas:
Miss Caroline stood on the dock
And dipped her toes into the loch.
Her foot probed the murk,
And she felt a sharp jerk.
Seems Nessie had pulled off her sock.
Suzanne Heymann:
My house is a place I don’t lock,
But burglars are in for a shock.
It’s booby-trapped well
And a nightmarish hell;
They’ll get crushed by a cell concrete block!
David Friedman
“Dear Guinevere,” Lance said in shock,
“This chastity belt thing’s a crock!
For why such attire
When each knight and squire
Has got his own key to the lock?!”
David Reddekopp:
The president boasts, “Man, I rock!
My victory next year’s a lock.
Of that fact I’ve no doubt –
I’ll win in a rout!
This I swear by my fifteen-inch cock.”
Roger Haugen:
Groaned Raul to the old Cuban doc,
“What’s causing my stomach to lock?”
As the man poked and prodded,
He solemnly nodded:
“It’s a Castro-intestinal block.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JAZZ-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Daisy Hyrkas:
She’s a big fan of jazz and the blues.
She lounges at bars sucking booze.
She channels Miss Ella
And sings a cappella…
While her boyfriend just sits home and stews.
John Bergstrom:
Messrs. Satchmo and Dizzy and Miles
All blew in their various styles.
Now up in the sky
In that sweet bye and bye,
They’re playing together at Ryles.
Jean McEwen:
While some jazz buffs get into a tizzy
Over bebop and swing, I think Dizzy
Gillespie is King
And Glenn Miller’s the Thing!
(Yes, it’s true: I still drive a Tin Lizzie.)
Roger Haugen:
What’s great about music called jazz
Is what the art hasn’t and has:
No thunderous din
For ears made of tin;
Just rhythmic/harmonic pizzazz.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Still groovin’ although he was blind,
He was certainly one of a kind.
Not a thing could compare
To his brilliant despair
When Georgia was still on his mind.
Dave Johnson:
The singer, a drummer, and bass
Recorded with smoldering grace.
It didn’t take long;
Peggy Lee’s biggest song
Took off at a Feverish pace.
Lisi Nortman:
We swayed and we spun and we twirled.
We hopped and we bopped and we swirled.
We danced with pizzazz
To something called jazz;
America’s gift to the world.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Bergstrom, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (333)
Saturday, October 12th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I said, “Sigmund, you must get a grip!
I’m not watching a cross-dresser strip.”
But he tuned out my plea;
Now I cannot unsee
What was under his Freudian slip.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Boss-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Mid-management suck-ups are worst;
Indulging their own selfish thirst.
Don’t ask for a raise,
Any guidance or praise;
The backsides they’re smooching come first.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “GRIP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BOSS-Themed LIMERICKS)
Fred Bortz:
The sailors all started to shirk
’Cause the man at the helm was a jerk.
He soon lost his grip
On the crew of the ship.
He was more Captain Hook than James Kirk.
Tim James:
My boss says, “I run a tight ship,”
As we’re crushed in his power-mad grip.
When I quit one fine day
I’ll look over his way;
The proverbial bird I will flip.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIP” RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
I swallowed the ’shrooms, took a trip
On a glorious, mystical ship,
And words cannot say
What I gained on that day
From the lesson of losing my grip.
Roger Haugen:
When the sickly old man took a sip
Of a potion with unsurpassed zip,
The flu quickly fled–
He leapt from his bed,
So glad he was losing his grippe.
Jean McEwen:
Dick just should have bitten his lip,
But, enraged, he tripped up (lost his grip),
So he shrieked at his shrink,
“Bitch, you drive me to kink!”
(Then regretted his Freudian slip).
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOSS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Though I work every day at a loss,
My company won’t come across:
“There’s no money for you.”
And I know that it’s true,
Because actually, I’m my own boss.
Robert Schechter:
“Come here. Brush my teeth,” said my boss.
I did so and did not grow cross.
But I threw a big fit
And I threatened to quit
When he opened his mouth and said, “Floss!”
Dave Johnson:
A crabby, mean boss in Seattle
Grew sick of employees he’d battle.
But lately the word
Is he’s driving a herd;
He thinks he’ll do better with cattle.
Tim James:
His boss and he frequently clash,
And he suffers, as under the lash.
Here she comes, and he’s sure
There’s fresh hell to endure:
“If you would, dear, please take out the trash.”
Lisi Nortman: (Advice to the New Girl)
“Don’t get yourself into a tizzy;
You’re so nervous, you’re making me dizzy.
Remember, I said:
‘You must keep a cool head.
When the boss walks in, act like you’re busy.’”
Konrad Schwoerke:
The top dog at my firm is a jerk,
Always leering and touching at work.
But they laughed sans restraint
At my HR complaint;
Now the bitch makes me bump, grind, and twerk.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, September 7th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Nitroglycerin’s touchy, although
It’s quite safe in the hands of a pro.
Which I am. So don’t fret;
I’ve had no problems yet.
I’ve no fear it will ever explo―
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INTERNET HAZARD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
You ask, “Why does Donald use Twitter
To govern?” Well, what could be fitter?
With his phone on his lap,
He can spew out some crap,
While the rest of it goes in the shitter.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tanja Cilia, Suzanne Heymann, Mike Moulton, John Shardlow, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PRO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
In translation, I’ve earned my good name;
I have reaped recognition and fame —
Ah, but even a pro
Can be dealt a grave blow
By an innocent Internet game:
“Only 10,000 words for today?
Fine! I’ll just take a moment to play…”
But those “moments” can cost —
No words done! Six hours lost!
And now all I can say is “Oy, vey.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRO” RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
At a high-school debate long ago,
My opponent, alas, didn’t show,
But I was unfazed
And the crowd was amazed
As I argued both sides, con and pro.
Tim James:
His writing was that of a pro ―
A bit morbid and skin-crawly, though.
Talking birds, howling cats:
Stuff like that is just bats!
(A description that’s most aproPoe.)
Dave Johnson:
Some people are wearing GoPro;
Real handy for filming a show.
But here’s where its charm
Might be viewed with alarm:
Not turning it off when you go.
Tanja Cilia:
I bought a palatial chateau
For a long-lasting tryst with my beau.
But the plumbing was bust;
There was mold, rot, and dust,
And the place was all cons and no pro.
Dave Johnson:
My Labor Day burgers will show
I’m running the grill like a pro.
But knobs turned in vain
Showed a lack of propane;
It’s off to McDonald’s we go.
Suzanne Heymann:
If a worker says “Oops!” or “Oh no!”
Or appears to be nervous or slow,
Gives you sass or acts crass,
Has the brass to pass gas,
You can bet your sweet ass he’s no pro.
Mike Moulton:
One ev’ning, Melania said, “No,
My headaches do trouble me so,
And the baby won’t sleep.
Your urges will keep.”
Said Donald, “I‘ll hire a pro.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICK DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
Her message exclaimed, “You’re so hot!”
I was flattered. I said, “Thanks a lot!”
We chatted. I fell
Quite under her spell
Till I learned it was love at first bot.
John Shardlow:
I’ve heard from an African Prince
Who’s doing his best to convince
Me to share in his wealth
And transfer by stealth
Dirty money he’s trying to rinse.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
The Internet sure does “entice.”
(I’m obsessed with my wondrous device.)
But when networking broke,
I went downstairs and spoke
To my fam’ly; they seem really nice.
Fred Bortz:
The virus arrived undetected
In a message I never suspected.
The disguise was so slick.
All it took was one click.
My computer’s now sick. I’m infected!
Dave Johnson:
Some people we happened to meet
From an Airbnb up the street
Were full of despair;
Zero linens in there.
That really did happen – no sheet.
Sharon Neeman:
A Facebook ad showed Jim a blouse
That he thought he should buy for his spouse:
“She’s size ‘M'” — but what came
In the mail (to his shame)
Would have fit on an av’rage-sized mouse.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, John Shardlow, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mike Moulton, Robert Schechter, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Tanja Cilia, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, July 27th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
His pie made with herbs and key lime
Was disgusting, a cul’nary crime.
Though the chef’s name was Basil,
His dish failed to dazzle —
In fact, a complete waste of thyme.
Congratulations to ROGER HAUGEN, who wins the Special Investment-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The investments that pay off are not
What traditional wisdom has taught;
This wide-open field
Offers maximum yield,
Where the smart money’s going to pot.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
To save for retirement these days,
We rely on our 401(k)s.
But the people we trust
To invest (as we must)
Like to fleece us in devious ways.
Chances are that your broker has glossed
Over fees and expenses and cost.
He describes them as small,
But in no time at all,
Huge chunks of your money get lost.
We’ve none of us time to be scholars
Of the market, so nobody hollers
When the loss — over years
Of our working careers —
Mounts to multiple thousands of dollars.
Plus, here’s a conundrum that’s funny:
Let the climate be stormy, or sunny;
Be it bull, be it bear:
Still, your money’s not there
’Til you sell! Call it Schroedinger’s Money.
So your gains in the market you plot:
You think it’s real money. It’s not.
While you tally in vain
Theoretical gain,
Your broker’s off buying a yacht.
The truth is, although you may feel
That your agent’s small fees are a steal,
The money you make
In the market is fake…
And your broker’s commission is real.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Konrad Schwoerke, Jean McEwen, Steve Benko, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, Tim James, Bruce McGuffin, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and John Cooney. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TIME/THYME” RHYME DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Pete and Pam, perfect partners in crime,
Swindled suckers galore in their prime.
They attained great acclaim
In the Thieves’ Hall of Fame,
But today they are serving hard time.
Steve Benko:
A large gin and tonic with lime
May be needed to help pass the time,
For the Donald, I fear,
Still has over a year
To drain swamps and refill them with slime.
Byron Miller
To create pasta sauce that’s sublime,
Correct seasoning usage is prime.
Basil adds to the blend,
Plus oregano, friend,
And remember, good sauces take thyme.
Fred Bortz:
In Congress, some cheered, “Mueller time!”
Yet to hear him was far from sublime.
He seemed “long in the tooth,”
But delivered this truth:
Obstruction by Trump was a crime.
Will T. Laughlin:
I feel I’m committing a crime
By subscribing to Amazon Prime,
Where the workers must fight
With a quota so tight
That they have to go backwards in time.
Tim James:
She and I, in a warm sunny clime,
In a citrus grove had a good time.
’Neath a fruit-laden tree
She made sweet love with me.
The delight of that day was sub lime.
Bruce McGuffin:
I have given up wasting my time
In the search for that one perfect rhyme.
Literati raise hell
But most people can’t tell.
And the slant rhymes I choose work out fine.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INVESTMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Konrad Schwoerke:
I put all of my money in stocks
That I kept in a drawer with my socks.
This, my wife and her lover
Were quick to discover;
I should’ve invested in locks.
Lisi Nortman:
“Don’t invest all your money, dear Tommy.
Rainy days might just come,” said my mommy.
So I did what she said,
And I’m still in the red
Cuz I didn’t expect a tsunami.
Will T. Laughlin:
I thought my investment was sound,
But my 404(k) hit the ground.
“Don’t you mean four-oh-one?”
You may ask. Oh, my son:
404 means the File Can’t Be Found.
John Cooney:
There once was an old guy who said,
To his sexy young wife, so well bred:
“Wait up for me, honey.
Invest all our money
In cryonics, as soon as I’m dead!”
Tim James:
My financial adviser put me
In a pyramid scheme (for a fee.)
I wised up, dropped a dime,
And he’s now doing time.
In the end, though, I’m broker than he.
Steve Benko:
Said my grandpa, “Forget about stocks;
Put your money in bagels and lox.
You can make lots of mammon
By smoking a salmon;
My boy, opportunity knocks.”
Fred Bortz:
In the market some folks try their luck
When hoping to make a big buck.
But I’d rather play poker
Than buy from a broker
And hear him explaining, “Oh f*ck.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“What’s a Stock Broker?” asked my dear son.
“I’ve heard that the job can be fun.”
I replied, “He’s a brute
Who will take all your loot
And invest it until there is none.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce McGuffin, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Cooney, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Steve Benko, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 5 Comments »
Saturday, June 15th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
An airliner flushing its can
Flew over a sports-loving man.
While watching the game,
Through his roof it all came;
And that’s how the shit hit the fan.
(Dave notes that this actually happened during a 1992 Seahawks/Raiders game.)
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special PEST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Before you kill rodents, it’s best
To consider who’s host and who’s guest.
From their point of view
It’s most certainly true
That you and not they are the pest.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Charles Mousseau, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Ailsa McKillop, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, David Miller, Roger Haugen, and Bruce McGuffin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PEST LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
I bought and installed a big fan.
“Keeps mosquitoes away,” said the man.
They were false guarantees,
For the pests loved the breeze,
And the bloodsucking banquet began.
Brian Allgar:
Said an angry, disgruntled ex-fan:
“That swamp-draining promise? Oh, man!
Instead of de-pested,
The swamp’s more infested
Than even the day you began!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FAN” RHYME DIVISION)
Charles Mousseau:
“I’m sweltering on this divan;
Swirl the air just as fast as you can,”
She begged of her friend,
Who declined in the end,
With “I’m sorry; I’m just not a fan.”
Sharon Neeman:
An autograph-seeker named Stan
To invade a star’s flat had a plan:
He had come there, said he,
“To replace your A/C” —
Which made sense, because Stan was a fan.
Tim James:
Herb the gardener couldn’t abide
That he got no sweet love from his bride.
She hooked up with a man
Who’s a big oral fan.
Consequently, she tossed Herbicide.
Robert Schechter:
In twenty-sixteen when he ran,
The fall of our nation began.
The fires of hate
Did NOT make us great
But consumed us as Trump held the fan.
Ailsa McKillop, who notes that this is a true story about thinking one’s found a fellow Gilbert & Sullivan enthusiast:
The ticket evoked old Japan;
A geisha it showed, with a fan.
“‘The Mikado!’ The best!”
But the judge said: “You jest!
It’s Puccini, La Scala, Milan.”
Fred Bortz:
On his feet sore from bone spurs, he ran
From that war. (He was never a fan.)
An excuse, finely crafted,
Meant Trump wasn’t drafted,
And taught him that lies make the man.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PEST LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Settle down! It is only a roach!
Just do this: As he makes his approach
Up your thigh toward your tush,
And then heads for your bush,
Grab the Raid Spray and dole out a dose!
Sharon Neeman:
Not the blood, not the frogs, not the lice,
Nor wild beasts and diseases not nice,
Could faze Pharaoh — but when
He hit Plague #10,
He grew weary of paying the price.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
With pests that are big, you say, “SHOO,”
But when they are small, that’s not true;
In our water bed we
Thought there might be a flea
When we noticed a tiny canoe.
David Miller:
I have smoked hairy spiders and slugs.
I have snorted crushed beetles off rugs.
I’ve injected some bees
And I’ve popped lots of fleas.
Yes I should have just said “no” to bugs.
Tim James:
I once knew a fellow named Riley
Whose bosses regarded him highly.
I thought him a pest
’Cause of what he did best:
Kissing management’s butts very slyly.
Roger Haugen:
The cops made a slew of arrests
In notorious criminal nests;
When asked why the fuss,
The Chief said “That’s us–
“We detest those pestiferous pests.”
Bruce McGuffin:
I’m a garrulous poetry rogue on
My way to verse worse than a Vogon.
My iambs suggest
Out-of-whack anapest.
Would it help if I put a fake brogue on?
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Who thought of the words “Pest Control?”
I think they are laughingly droll.
With these bugs I’m not thrilled,
And I just want them killed,
But to govern them isn’t my role.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Brian Allgar, Bruce McGuffin, Charles Mousseau, Dave Johnson, David Miller, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (324)
Saturday, May 18th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
She was short, came from Maine, and she drank,
But by golly, in bed she could crank.
Her man’s love life was flat,
But she cured him of that.
All he needed was one little Yank.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Intimidation-Themed Limerick Award for this clever limerick, which is also a Crank-Rhyme limerick:
The lenders who ran Deutsche Bank
Decided to finance a crank;
A son of a bitch
Who claimed he was rich,
Though his bankruptcy record just stank.
Perhaps they were cowed by his power
And funded his ego-fueled tower.
Though they used other words,
The deal soon turned to turds,
And the stench sent them all to the shower.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, Bruce McGuffin, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jack Ritter, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, and Lisi Nortman Ardissone. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRANK” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
The Donald, a clown and a crank,
Played Russian Roulette as a prank.
But no harm was done
When he fired the gun —
Both his brain and the bullet were blank.
Craig Dykstra:
Looks like Mad is becoming a crank;
And her patience runs thin, to be frank.
This lim-writing geezer
Would like to appease her
But my brain keeps on drawing a … um … damn.
Bruce McGuffin:
Donald T. went on Twitter to crank
That his businesses didn’t all tank.
“For plebeians a loss
May be bad but a boss
Like me laughs all the way to the bank.”
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A seafaring man was a crank,
And the crew finally yelled, “Walk the plank!”
He died still complaining
Because it was raining,
While into the water he sank.
Jack Ritter:
Kane said the last word must be “crank.”
So I tried, but I just drew a blank.
You rivals, I’ve heard,
Have solved the last word.
No doubt, you will earn higher rank.
Brian Allgar:
“My sex life is over!” moaned Hank.
“I guess I forgot how to wank.”
Said his old buddy, Buck,
“Well, it’s just like my truck —
To start it up, give it a crank.”
Tim James:
A man who was known as a crank
Gave a woman a pat on the flank.
What she said was so foul
In her subsequent howl,
To convey it, I’d have to say [blank].
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTIMIDATION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
That Black Angus is pawing the ground
As if warning: “Beware – I’m unbound!”
But I’m simply unbowed–
Won’t be bullied or cowed
By that stare or that loud snorting sound.
Ken Gosse:
You’ll fail to intimidate me,
Though you stare while I water this tree,
Because I must make haste
In displacing the waste
Of traditional afternoon tea.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I QUIT! I have reached the finality!
I’m lost in my quest for normality!
What intimidates me
(It’s now so clear to see)
Is ev-er-y part of reality.
Tim James:
Multitalented polyglot Sue’s
Got a math Ph.D. Her IQ’s
Genius-level, sky-high.
But that threatened her guy,
So he now dates a gal at Fox News.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce McGuffin, Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Jack Ritter, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (322)
Saturday, April 20th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“I am not apathetic,” said Lydia.
“That is not why I have to get rid o’ ya.
So don’t be confused
If I seem unenthused;
It’s cause YOU fucking gave me chlamydia!”
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special LEMON-Themed Limerick Award for this clever acrostic limerick:
Low in fat, rich in vitamin C,
Especially good with iced tea;
Must try it on fish
Or a nice salad dish.
Not to worry; lots more on the tree!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sim Smailes, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Fred Bortz, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Kat Irving, Alan Hochbaum, Brian Allgar, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSED/CONFUSED” RHYME DIVISION)
Sim Smailes:
Led Zepp’lin could not be accused
Of letting themselves be abused.
Yet one angry fan
Let fly with a pan
And left them all “Dazed and Confused.”
Tim James:
A dude was extremely confused
When he heard the term “cowpuncher” used.
He thought: “Punch? Is that how
I get milk from that cow?”
So he tried it. That bull’s not amused.
Robert Schechter:
I went to sleep happy. It’s done!
The end of Trump’s day in the sun!
I was shocked and confused
When I woke and perused
The papers. The bastard had won!
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Sweet Granny was very enthused
And eager to read “The Accused.”
When I said, “It’s online,”
She remarked, “That sounds fine;
But where is the book? I’m confused.”
Fred Bortz:
“Your Honor,” he said, “I’m confused;
Was there something I missed while I snoozed?
The attorneys are boring.
That’s why I was snoring.”
So the judge glared and said, “You’re excused.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“EYES” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
I looked deep into Stephanie’s eyes,
And I knew she’d been telling me lies.
’Twas a blow to my pride
That she felt, deep inside,
I fell short of her standards for size.
Ken Gosse:
I become quite confused when I write,
Once my brain cells have fused for the night.
But that’s not a surprise,
Since the blur in my eyes
Comes from lemonade, whiskey, and Sprite.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My old teacher was not very wise;
She would drink and steal all the supplies.
And as blitzed as could be,
She insisted that we
Dot our t’s and then cross all our eyes.
Kirk Miller:
Said a young buxom gal to two guys,
“What I say should be no big surprise.
Here’s what I would like best
To get off my chest:
It’s simple — your four staring eyes.”
Steve Benko:
We made contact at first with our eyes,
Then in bed came her passionate cries;
By this Hollywood star
I got blown in my car.
What? You think that I’m telling you lies?
Kat Irving:
As she dances, I watch my sweet prize.
She has tender, young breasts; meaty thighs.
I’m a cannibal, me,
And all I can see
Is a truly great feast for the eyes.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LEMON LIMERICK DIVISION)
Alan Hochbaum:
Oh, let me not stammer nor hedge
’Bout my clunker that froze like a veg;
When I next need a lift
My new model will shift…
And that, folks, is my lemon pledge.
Tim James:
She sliced lemons to rub on her chest,
Neck and shoulders, then made a request
Of her man: “Be a peach;
Rub the parts I can’t reach.”
It’s a task he’s approaching with zest.
Brian Allgar:
“Them ‘oranges’ Darwin invented?
The guy musta been quite demented.
His theory is feces –
‘The Lemons of Species’
Would make as much sense,” Trump dissented.
Dave Johnson:
I owned a mid-Seventies car;
It managed to show me how far
(With handles that broke
And performance a joke),
That Mustang had lowered the bar.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My favorite flavor of Jell-O
Is orange; it makes me feel mellow.
The name of that fruit
Is its color (how cute!)
So why ain’t a lemon called “yellow?”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Alan Hochbaum, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Kat Irving, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Sim Smailes, Steve Benko, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (320)
Saturday, March 23rd, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Two pencils set off on erase,
Looking sharp as they scratched out a pace;
The number one led,
Then the two got ahead,
But it ended a draw for first place.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Conductor-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
An ancient conductor named Tim
(Not me) met that Reaper most Grim.
He was well past his prime
Up on stage, beating time,
Till today, when time fin’lly beat him.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Thomas Vincent, Kat Irving, John Edwards, Lisi Nortman, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RACE or ERASE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
When the demagogue entered the race
Scary changes began to take place.
People took great delight
Showing hatred and spite,
Meeting two definitions of “base.”
Fred Bortz:
“It’s time that we cut to the chase,”
Said the lad in a sweaty embrace.
“Your body’s so supple.
I’m eager to couple.”
She replied, “Wait, this isn’t a race.”
Thomas Vincent:
When viewed from a ship out in space,
Humanity’s such a disgrace.
If evolving’s the test,
And Trump is the best,
We surely aren’t winning the race.
Kat Irving:
I’m in love with a dashing young fellow
Who plays an enormous red cello.
When he picks up the pace,
My heart starts to race.
And I swoon when his touch becomes mellow.
Tim James:
He was awed by her body and face,
So he went with her, back to her place,
Where he found out that “she”
Was hung better than he.
That’s an image he’d like to erase.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONDUCTOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
John Edwards:
To a cellist, a maestro from Datchet
Said, “This is the tempo – please match it!
Your instrument lies
Between your two thighs;
And you just seem to sit there and scratch it.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
The conductor seemed very forlorn:
He told me, “I’m terribly torn;
Though this job is first-rate,
Today wasn’t great
Cause Ms. Dinah would not blow my horn.”
Brian Allgar:
“That flautist!” recalled the conductor.
“She was hot, and I tried to instruct her
In ‘playing the flute,’
But my flute had gone mute,
So, regrettably, I never … what’s the phrase I’m looking for?”
John Edwards:
The conductor stepped onto the stand.
A lady said, “Isn’t he grand!
He looks pretty slick
With his cute little stick.
And he waves it in time with the band.
Fred Bortz:
I’m thinking of writing these tomes:
For building things, “Bucky’s Great Domes”;
For Quantum Mechanics,
“Why Schrödinger Panics”;
For conductors, “There’s No Law Like Ohm’s.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Musicians will often expound
A philosophy, very profound:
“The conductor’s unkind,
But we do keep in mind
That at least that damn stick makes no sound.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, John Edwards, Kat Irving, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest Filed under Contests
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, March 9th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
He gave scullers a recommendation
That they ought to use synchronization
To improve their boat’s speed,
Because what rowers need
Is a great deal of co-oar-dination.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special POULTRY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My chicken was glum in her coop;
She was coughing and had a bad croup.
So we called Doc Elixir,
Who told us to fix’er
By giving her hot people soup.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Charles Simmons, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Tim James, Victor Hood, John Shardlow, Thomas Vincent, Brian Allgar, Kat Irving, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NEED OR KNEAD OR KNEED” RHYME DIVISION)
Charles Simmons:
A knight galloped up on his steed
To rescue a maiden in need.
But his horse hit a rut,
He lit on his butt,
And the fair damsel laughed till she peed.
Dave Johnson:
A baker’s assistant must heed
Instructions to get up to speed.
Now here’s my advice:
Be direct and concise;
Then give them the dough that they knead.
Fred Bortz:
My Prof warned, “There’s one thing you need
In order to be PhDed:
Your thesis committee
Must grill without pity.
It’s time that you be third-degreed.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
In “Defense Class” the ladies agreed
To follow the famed Kick-Box Creed:
“Keep real careful watch,
Go right for the crotch,
And make sure he is properly kneed.”
Tim James:
A guy with a strong carnal need
Told the girls who showed up for the deed:
“What I want, I don’t know.
Let’s just go with the flow.”
Since the gals were Trump hookers, they peed.
Victor Hood:
She said to me, “I’m in great need
Of a very large dose of some speed.
Though my body is yours,
To get into my drawers
The deal is the speed for the deed.
John Shardlow:
The Lord said to Onan, “Indeed,
I’ll slay you for spilling your seed.”
He replied “There’s no waste;
It’s wallpaper paste.
It happens when I feel the knead.”
Thomas Vincent:
An indigent baker named Reid,
Made loaves with some illegal weed.
Soon the profits did grow;
He was rolling in dough.
Not bad for a baker in knead.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (POULTRY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Doctor Spooner had verbal bad luck,
For his tongue all too often got stuck,
And he gave them a shock
At the rest’rant “Thai Wok” –
He’d intended to order Fried Duck.
Kat Irving:
The handsome young rooster was loosed
On the young of the brood. He seduced
A hen called Matilda.
The shock nearly killed her!
His chickens will come home to roost.
Mike Moulton:
A handsome young chicken named Fred
Tried to charm all the hens in the shed;
He said “I’m a great cock.”
But the hens in the flock
Saw that he was a capon and fled.
Tim James:
The detective, his face in a scowl,
At the murder scene let out a growl:
“These dead turkeys and chickens ―
The sight of them sickens!
Indeed, this is murder most fowl!”
Brian Allgar:
I enjoy a nice partridge or pheasant;
Though small, they are tasty and pleasant.
But when I am starving,
I’d rather be carving
A swan, which I’m eating at present.
Jean McEwen:
As a vegan, I follow a creed:
I shall never eat poultry; indeed,
Even eggs are taboo,
So I’ve really no clue
Why those fowl all cry foul when I feed.
Tim James:
My poultry plant foreman averred
That I’m worthless. He spat out each word:
“If that hen you just plucked
Isn’t spotless, you’re f*#%ed!
Give it here!” So I flipped him the bird.
David Friedman:
The chicken was mad and it showed:
“I’m old and forgetful,” it crowed.
“Forgotten have I
The whole reason why
I crossed this proverbial road.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Charles Simmons, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Kat Irving, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mike Moulton, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Victor Hood, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (317)
Saturday, February 9th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I’m a pessimist. Let me explain,
So I don’t have to say it again:
In the tunnel, my friend
Is a light at the end –
Which belongs to an oncoming train.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special LIGHTING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
All was darkness. Then “Let there be light!”
Earth was formed, and the darkness took flight.
If in light we’re created
As Scripture has stated,
Then why isn’t Man very bright?
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special ACROSTIC Limerick Award, given occasionally to a clever acrostic limerick:
Please don’t be afraid on my plane.
It is safe. You’ll be fine. Just remain.
Leave the flying to me.
OFF WE GO! And you’ll see
That tomorrow, we’ll all be in Spain.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
What a marvelous thing is a dimmer!
On the days I feel older and grimmer,
I just turn it down low,
Make my wrinkles all go,
And look younger and slimmer and trimmer.
If there’s something to mend, fix or tie,
I can just turn the dimmer up high
And produce enough light
To set anything right
And ensure I’ll get by if I try.
Yes, the dimmer is grand altogether,
For both higher light levels and nether –
But I’d be more content
If kind souls would invent
Me a dimmer to tether the weather.
Congratulations to MARK KANE and DIANE GROOTHUIS, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Mark Kane:
Crammed in close, thigh to thigh on the plane,
With their will to abstain on the wain,
They soon met in the loo
For a slow urgent screw,
Then toasted their lust with champagne.
Diane Groothuis:
The passengers thought it was plain
That sobriety was on the wane
When they stood in the queue
To go to the loo,
Hearing corks popping, fizzing champagne.
Mark Kane:
They heard banging again and again,
As they waited inside to deplane.
And once out of wine,
With their lust in decline,
They were scared, so they chose to remain.
(Mark and Diane’s limerick exchange continued into several more verses. You can read the entire limerick repartee exchange here.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Judith H. Block, Fred Bortz and Val Fish. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LIGHTING LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
Says Trump, “What’s that light in the sky?
It’s too bright, and I’m starting to fry.”
“It’s the sun,” they explain.
“That’s a lie! I maintain
That my son is no brighter than I.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
A fellow who lived in Champaign
(That’s a town on an Illinois plain)
Said, “This place ain’t all that.
It’s cold and it’s flat
Like my ex ― but costs less to maintain.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
La Guardia! Where is our plane?
We thought we were going to Spain!
We slept on the floor,
Heard obnoxious jerks snore.
Next vacation. To Disney. By train!
Tony Holmes:
All these people are boarding this train
For two weeks in the sunshine of Spain.
What they haven’t been told
Is it’s wet and it’s cold;
But that’s fine, cuz they like to complain.
Jane Hoffman says:
The cows have lined up to complain
That the bulls are too hard to restrain.
The cows want a pen
Without any men…
To give them a chance to abstain.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
We looked up at the sky. (Was it rain?)
It went fast, and our eyes felt a strain.
Was it Superman? NO!
Was it birds? (Not in snow.)
There it IS! Oh my GOD! It’s a PLANE!
Tim James:
A couple got onto a plane;
Airborne nookie they yearned to attain.
Neither one had a clue
How to screw in a loo.
So they winged it, to mutual gain.
Tony Holmes:
“Drunk again?” is her constant refrain.
She derides all attempts to explain.
It were better, I think,
To forswear further drink,
Than to suffer that woman’s disdain.
Tim James for his Acrostic:
It’s becoming increasingly plain:
Donald Trump’s so-called “very good brain”
Isn’t all it should be.
On the contrary, he
Tweets and rants like a man gone insane.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHTING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“Soft music, dim lighting, and you…
You’re the love of my life. It is true,
When I see you, I’m dazed,”
Murmured Trump as he gazed
In the mirror, his favorite view.
Jean McEwen:
Thank goodness this room’s dimly lit
So my boyfriend can’t quite see the zit
On the tip of my nose
That through makeup still shows.
(If he saw it, then surely he’d split.)
Dave Johnson:
With agents and flashlights galore,
Now Roger is part of the score.
Since Mueller’s so near,
Trump just might need to fear
That 6 A.M. bang on the door.
Judith H. Block:
It seems that some guys need enlightening;
Their view is dismaying – needs brightening.
Beauty comes in all sizes.
They’re in for surprises;
Small gals can give pleasure quite heightening.
Fred Bortz:
The spotlights illumine the stage
Where the despot will soon stand and rage.
But the nation takes note,
And soon we will vote
That the time’s come to turn a new page.
Val Fish:
He’d attempted to set the right mood;
Soft music, the lighting subdued.
But it all went to pot
With chili, too hot;
Several trips to the toilet ensued.
Dave Johnson:
Trump’s shutdown is all about him
Kowtowing to fright-wingers’ whim.
Fed workers are stuck
All because of this schmuck,
Whose bulb runs no brighter than dim.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Diane Groothuis, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Kane, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Val Fish, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, January 19th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The pirates, a larcenous horde,
Took over while storming aboard.
A boat crew of nine
Bound together with twine
Held fast; they were all in a cord.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TREE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Said Trump to the hooker, “You’ll see
That my wood is the size of a tree!”
But when he was nude,
She said “Don’t think me rude –
It looks more like a bonsai to me.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and FRED BORTZ. Each of them wins a special Limerick Saga Award, sometimes given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Sharon Neeman:
Now we’re old, with bad joints and sore feet,
We find bus rides more bitter than sweet,
For we struggle to board
Or reach up for the cord,
And few youngsters will give us a seat.
Should we drive? No, that’s hardly a lark:
Trees take scary new shapes in the dark.
They cavort in the rain,
And it’s hard to explain
Why we hit one whenever we park.
Taking cabs is a strain on the purse,
Makes our budget and blood pressure worse –
No, I think we’ll stay in
Where it’s warm, play some gin,
Drink some scotch, and write crotchety verse.
Fred Bortz:
As hist’ry will sadly record,
A basket of those she deplored
Did Hillary in,
Giving Donald the win
With votes that could not be ignored.
His electoral victory scored;
He baited his bigoted horde
With alternate facts
That justified acts
Of hatred and evil, untoward.
There still may be time to reward
This land that we all have adored.
In the year twenty-twenty,
Let’s cast votes aplenty.
The outcome must not be encored.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Judith H. Block, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, John Shardlow, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TREE LIMERICKS)
Fred Bortz, for his “The Old Oak”
The couple, in ardent accord,
Their initials in tree bark had scored,
Leaving evidence, oaken,
Of love never broken.
They’ve aged, yet they know they’re adored.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME DIVISION)
Judith H. Block:
He thought that his faux pas was minor.
Then he saw all her clothes were designer.
All the hints he ignored;
He sure struck the wrong chord
When he took her to eat at a diner.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
“Dear Teacher, I tripped on a cord,
Then got cut on my brother’s sharp sword.
So no homework today,
And oh, by the way,
I chased after a bull and was gored.”
Tony Holmes:
I would never admit that I snored,
So my wife made recordings – I’m floored!
Beyond doubt, she was right,
But the future is bright –
We’ve discovered a new major chord.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
In the 50’s Dad got an award!
(His intelligence never ignored)
Cuz all on his own
He upgraded our phone,
By getting a much longer cord.
Dave Johnson:
The cost of their service has soared;
So now I am cutting the cord.
We can still watch TV,
Once I do it for free
By the shed where the woodpile is stored.
Tony Holmes:
I’ve discovered I’m now in accord
With a viewpoint I’ve always deplored.
I am shocked! What has changed?
Am I sick or deranged?
No, it’s worse – I got lazy and bored.
Tim James:
I knew a composer who scored
An op’ra most people ignored
’Bout an Army man struck
By a half-track and truck.
A-flat major’s its dominant chord.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TREE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
Those trees that were blocking his view
Are suddenly lying askew.
Officials resist
His attempts to insist
That the wind just selectively blew.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Even though you might feel a nice breeze,
Never park your car under the trees!
Cuz when you return
You’ll undoubtedly learn
That the birds have done more than just sneeze.
Brian Allgar:
His offspring, I’m sure you’ll agree,
Are as crooked as President T,
Grabbing ill-gotten loot –
Which just shows that the fruit
Never falls very far from the tree.
Diane Groothuis:
I checked on my own fam’ly tree
To find who’s related to me.
Well I come from good stock,
But it came as a shock
That Dad’s branch didn’t want me to be.
Fred Bortz:
There’s a tree that I love in the park.
I can find it at night when it’s dark.
Dogwood’s blossoms and fruit
Bring delight to my snoot,
But what’s best is the sound of its bark.
John Shardlow:
You gardeners, please make this pledge:
Whenever you’re planting a hedge,
Using laurel is dandy,
But shun the leylandii;
Between neighbors it’s driving a wedge.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone: (With Apologies To Joyce Kilmer)
I’ve seen metal that’s also a knee,
And a card that is also a key.
But I really must say
That there’s no goddamn way
That a poem is also a tree.
Jean McEwen:
Please don’t slander my poor hemlock tree.
It’s not poisonous — trust me! You see,
It is not like the plant
That’s called hemlock; it can’t
Ever hurt you — so no need to flee!
Dave Johnson:
In Florida, palm trees will sway,
With sunbathers basking all day;
Some willing and proud
To be showing the crowd
What others should never display.
Diane Groothuis:
I think that I never shall see
A poem so nice as a tree.
Providing good shade,
In Heaven they’re made
And useful to dogs when they pee.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 3 Comments »
Saturday, December 1st, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The game has the Vikings and Bears.
Who’s winning? Seems nobody cares.
The guys are in bunches;
I’d say that my hunch is:
At Hooters they’re watching the pairs.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special THEFT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
This section of town’s gettin’ tough,
And frankly, I’ve just had enough!
So I put out a rug
That says, “Listen here thug:
Rob the neighbors. They’ve much better stuff.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, David Reddekopp, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PAIRS” RHYME DIVISION)
Fred Bortz, who notes that this is fiction:
I fell from the top of the stairs,
And my body’s in need of repairs.
But I still found the time
To come up with this rhyme.
Now let’s see if Mad Kane really cares.
Tim James:
Twin sisters, so hot they drew stares,
Swung on by to relieve all his cares.
All misfortunes, you see,
Come in batches of three,
While the best things in life come in pairs.
Dave Johnson:
They used to grow apples and pears,
Filling grocery bins with their wares.
Now they’re serving us well
In this Trumpian spell;
With vineyards that drown all our cares.
Tony Holmes
It seems life likes to do things in twos,
Though exceptions abound to confuse.
Buns and boobs come in pairs,
As do hands: It all squares.
Evolution? Or planning – but whose?
Kirk Miller:
At the nudist camp, manager Fred
Said, “When walking, please carefully tread.
They are making repairs
On the sidewalk and stairs.”
“Please bare with us,” warning signs read.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (THEFT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
What’s important to Trump is the deal,
And it’s fine if you lie, cheat or steal.
It would really be nice
If his theft had a price –
Let’s say “20 to life,” no appeal.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
It seems that Viagra was stolen
By crooks who are mainly Angolan.
The newspaper said:
“Cops are full steam ahead
And looking for thieves who are swollen.”
Sharon Neeman:
A stripper with pasties and patch
Hid her diamonds high up in her snatch,
But a tale-bearing snitch
Went and told on the bitch,
And the stash was soon snatched — a good catch!
David Reddekopp:
She had beauty right down to an art
And she caused all my breath to depart.
“She is gorgeous,” I said,
And at that, I dropped dead,
For the woman had stolen my heart!
Dave Johnson:
A pickpocket fled from the bar;
He tried running, but failed to get far.
They ended the chase
In a parking lot space;
Seems someone had stolen his car.
David Friedman:
There once was a cold-hearted thief
Who only caused heartache and grief.
The worst thing he stole
Was our great nation’s soul,
And that’s our Commander in Chief.
Dave Johnson:
A burglar was just apprehended
In a manner that’s not recommended.
The loot had been stashed
In a trunk that was mashed;
His car was first chased then rear-ended.
Fred Bortz:
He copied and pasted the text
To submit to the Prof as his next
Class writing assignment.
But each stolen line meant
His teacher was thoroughly vexed.
Tim James:
A boy, an unlikable geek,
Stole some candy, an act of pure pique.
He got busted. His dad
Whupped his ass pretty bad.
(I could hardly sit down for a week.)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dave Johnson, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (311)
Saturday, November 17th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said a personal ad that was placed
By a woman some claimed was unchaste:
“They think I’m immoral
But I’m only oral
With men of impeccable taste.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special FOOTWEAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I have heard of a cat (Russian Blue)
Who would frequently pee in a shoe.
If I got one for Trump,
Could I teach it to dump?
He deserves solid Russian gifts, too.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman, Margie Nairn, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLACED” RHYME DIVISION)
Tony Holmes:
When in public she’s very strait-laced,
And her scoldings leave many red-faced.
But in secret, she gloats
Over sowing wild oats.
Is her guilt for those urges displaced?
Sharon Neeman:
Roasting turkey? Use whiskey to baste
(Not the bird, but the guests) till well laced.
Please believe me: when high,
They won’t know the bird’s dry,
And your trust in me won’t be misplaced.
Tim James:
A woman preferred to stay chaste
Before marriage. She therefore replaced
Standard nookie with head.
What’s the news from her bed?
Word of mouth: she’s a gal of good taste.
Brian Allgar:
“The Balkans or Baltics, who cares?
That war happened,” the Donald declares.
“So I got them misplaced?
Well, it’s gotta be faced,
They’re all BALs, so the fault must be theirs.”
Tony Holmes:
As the deadline approaches, we’re braced,
Never thinking it might be replaced.
Forced to wait, hopes on hold;
Seven days – who got gold?
Were we mentioned or were we disgraced?
David Friedman:
I fear we are currently faced
With an earth that will soon be replaced
With poisonous waves
That waft past our graves
Of toxic industrial waste.
Sharon Neeman:
“I’m ruined,” she whispered, white-faced;
“The horse that I backed was outpaced!
My Little Miss Muffet
Came second — oh, stuff it!
Two million to win, and Miss placed.”
Tim Gray:
I tripped and by accident placed
My hand on an Arab girl’s waist.
And you should have heard ’er;
She screamed bloody murder.
By her father and brother I’m chased.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My life is a damn total waste;
All the money I stole has been traced.
So I’m running amok,
And the “L” in my luck
With an “F” has been surely replaced.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FOOTWEAR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Her stilettos were stunning. What’s more,
She had fine thigh-high boots by the score.
I was truly obsessed
By the way that she dressed ―
Because footwear was all that she wore.
Lisi Nortman:
New shoes always play a great role
In something called Sadness Control.
Though they won’t change your life,
When you’re feeling some strife
They do wonders for lifting your sole.
Margie Nairn:
In order to dance like Astaire,
Your feet must feel lighter than air.
It’s all in the shoes,
So be sure that you choose
A stylish but comfortable pair.
David Friedman:
There once was a wealthy young gopher
Who lived in Shaquille O’Neal’s loafer.
He said, “I can go
From the heel to the toe,
But only if I call the chauffeur.”
Fred Bortz:
He punted from where it was slick,
Caught his cleats, broke his leg like a stick.
While his fracture was healing,
They asked, “How ya feeling?”
“Pretty good,” he replied. “I can’t kick.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Margie Nairn, Sharon Neeman, Tim Gray, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Reviews, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (310)
Saturday, September 29th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
There are those who’d resuscitate coal.
It’s a silly, illusory goal
Which we need (as is said)
Like a hole in the head ―
From the folks with their heads in a hole.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special SCHOOL SUPPLIES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
She’s teaching a pole-dancing class;
Her students are grasping with sass.
They’re shinning to slide
And learning to ride
A skinny but tall piece of brass.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Thomas Vincent, Ailsa McKillop, Jim Gallagher, Byron Miller, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HOLE or WHOLE” RHYME DIVISION)
Thomas Vincent:
“This shoe making’s taking its toll,”
Said the cobbler. “I’m deep in the hole.
I’ve got boots on the shelf,
And old Satan himself,
Refuses to buy any sole.”
Ailsa McKillop:
I will beg, I will plead and cajole,
But knowing I lack self-control,
Keep the Mars bar (in batter
Deep-fried) from my platter,
Or else I’ll devour it whole.
Jim Gallagher:
The typical internet troll
May find it exceedingly droll
To be callous and crass
And then laugh off his ass,
But the sum of his parts is a hole.
Byron Miller:
Finding “women of size” to cajole,
Was a certain young Romeo’s goal;
He was totally sold
On exploring each fold,
In his quest for the ultimate hole.
Tim James:
A mare had decided to troll
Her lead stallion, who swallowed it whole.
“I’m afraid, stud, I’m late;
It’s your child I await.”
It was all a big joke. April Foal!
Sharon Neeman:
Asked the cop, “Why’re you diggin’ that hole?”
Sighed his neighbor, “For Ma… rest her soul.”
“For your Ma?” “Yep, she’s dead.”
“Gosh, what happened?” “She said
‘I’ll be damned if I let you go bowl!’”
Tony Holmes:
Does the grind of each day take its toll?
Are you living in fear for your soul?
There’s a cure that restores;
Buy a pair of plus-fours
And try getting that ball to the hole.
Lisi Nortman:
Oh Boy! We were on a great roll;
Three times in one night! (Bless his Soul.)
Way back in the day,
We sure knew how to play,
But now, he just can’t find that hole.
Brian Allgar:
“I’m the greatest the world ever knew!
Number 1 among Presidents – true!”
But he speaks though a hole
That expresses his soul,
So he constantly spews Number 2.
Fred Bortz:
When dividing the whole is the goal
Of a chemist, he counts by the mole.
But if you’re baking doughnuts
This fact makes you go nuts:
You can’t make a half of a hole.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCHOOL SUPPLIES LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
Once paper and pencils and glue
Kept kids hushed for an hour or two.
Now teachers can’t cope
With the slippery slope
Of “I’ve got the new iPhone! Do you?”
Dave Johnson:
They met on a gallery walk
And went to a café to talk.
She thought he was nice
And texted him twice;
But he was just blackboard – no chalk.
Sharon Neeman:
Can you sell me some motorized shoes?
I need something stronger to use;
Forty kids in my classes
Are too many asses
To kick with my old Jimmy Choos.
Tim James:
I’ve done what most teachers will do:
Bought supplies so my kids muddle through.
If it helps, though, I ― HEY!
PUT THAT CELL PHONE AWAY!
Here’s the thing I can’t buy them: a clue.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jim Gallagher, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (307)
Saturday, July 7th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Her car’d broken down in Nantucket.
A driver pulled up. She said, “Fuck it!
The engine won’t go.
Could you give me a tow?”
So he pulled off a shoe and said “Suck it.”
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special Joint-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I wondered, when handed the ointment,
Exactly what “rub on your joint” meant,
’Cause needless to say,
I was wasted that day.
And that reefer? A big disappointment.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Chad Parenteau, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Wendy Watson, Tony Holmes, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TOE/TOW/CHATEAU” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
The challenge was touching your toe;
Bent over, how low could you go?
Years later, we’re told
That instruction was sold
By pill makers needing to grow.
Lisi Nortman:
My Labrador loves tic tac toe
And considers herself quite a pro.
Yet I win every game,
And it’s really a shame
That she can’t tell an “x” from an “o.”
Chad Parenteau:
There once was a man on the go
Who ended up breaking his toe.
Insurance insisted
The pain pre-existed,
And all he could do was cry, “No!”
Sharon Neeman:
Said the lass to the big-footed trucker,
“Can you tow me?” — eyes wide, lips a-pucker.
“I sure can, dear — let’s go!”
Whereupon his big toe
Was employed by the trucker to fuck her.
Fred Bortz:
In Phantom, a musical show,
There’s a moment of “Look out below!”
The chandelier crashes.
The panicked crowd dashes,
And that’s how I broke my big toe.
Dave Johnson:
So here’s how his morning would go:
He started off stubbing a toe.
The car wouldn’t start;
Then a seatmate did fart
On a crowded bus going too slow.
Arriving at work rather late,
His boss – a real jerk – hollered “Nate!
We’re giving your job
To a newbie named Rob;
And you’re to take mine – which you’ll hate.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JOINT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
There are sex joints for prosties and panders;
There are card joints for slick sleight-of-handers;
But the joint that I choose
Is the one that made news
Kicking out Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Brian Allgar:
At ‘The Family Butcher,’ they say
Half their family vanished away.
When they looked in the shop
They found joints of Grandpop,
Leg of Dad, and poor Mother’s filet.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I tried this new stuff from a jar
Which claims it will help you “go far.”
It oils up your knees
So that running’s a breeze.
(And it also works great on your car.)
Wendy Watson:
My joints are engendering pain,
And I’ll never do handstands again.
As for pliés – no chance,
And a hot salsa dance
Would result in a gluteal strain.
Tony Holmes:
It attacks, unannounced, in one spot,
Then retrenches and takes its next shot.
Ankles, knees and big toes –
Sometimes heels; then gout goes
And resurfaces where it was not.
Tim James:
I once knew a woman named Lee;
What a great source of fun she could be!
Always good for a buzz,
Double-jointed she was.
That’s to say: one for her, one for me.
Tony Holmes:
In my youth I knew nothing of dread;
Leapt, gazelle-like, each morning from bed.
But today, should I leap,
I’d collapse in a heap;
Seems the springbok within me has fled.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Chad Parenteau, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Wendy Watson, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, June 23rd, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A gal with an awesome physique
And a smile that’s sublime and unique
Fills my every need
With both ardor and speed.
(It’s my third trip to Hooters this week.)
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Vision/Eye-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The surgeon believed it was wise
To operate on his own eyes.
His team expressed doubt
When the scalpel came out.
“Suture self!” were his colleagues’ replies.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman, Edmund Conti, Brian Allgar, Armchair Poet, Wendy Watson, Kirk Miller, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WEAK/WEEK” RHYME DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
I caught that louse, Robert last week
At “La Cheat On Your Spouse” near the creek:
First a passionate kiss
With such obvious bliss,
Then a slow dance for two, “Sneak To Sneak.”
Brian Allgar:
My joints are beginning to creak,
And my legs are increasingly weak.
But although I am slowing,
My value is growing;
I’ll soon be a priceless antique.
Edmund Conti:
A common cartoonist technique
Is drawing a mouse. You scream “eek!”
And jump on a chair
Conveniently there.
The last panel is typically weak.
Armchair Poet:
It’s SAD when deplorables seek
A strongman with morals so weak.
They claim to be winning.
It looks more like sinning,
With a future increasingly bleak.
Wendy Watson:
A sporting young lady called Clare
Tried a parachute jump for a dare.
Though her nerves were quite weak
She survived the technique,
Though she landed with legs in the air!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (VISION/EYE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
An optometrist’s office implies
It’s a place where this saying applies:
“If your vision is wrecked,
You should go get it checked
At a place that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Sharon Neeman:
There’s not a thing wrong with my eyes!
But the newspaper font’s gone half-size,
And my glasses and keys
Disappear with great ease
Till I find them again by surprise.
Brian Allgar:
My vision is still pretty hot,
And I don’t use my glasses a lot,
Though I put on my specs
When indulging in sex
To ensure that I find the right spot.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
He held up some letters to view
Then said, “Try to read just a few.”
I looked up and down
And replied with a frown:
“Sorry, Doc, I can’t even see YOU.”
Jean McEwen:
Visine never works, ’cause I blink,
And the drops just land right in the sink.
Down my cheeks the tears roll.
I’ve got zero control,
So my eyes remain itchy and pink.
Tim James:
There’s a myth that my mom used to tell:
“Self-abuse shoots your eyesight to hell
Quite inexorably.”
But that’s bunk. I can see
Ev’ry hair on my palms very well.
Dave Johnson:
He sat on a boat in the bay
And stared at his phone come what may.
Whale watchers nearby
Claim he never did spy
That dorsal fin ten feet away.
Lisi Nortman:
I’m annoyed at my dense husband Fred,
Who at times will act just like he’s dead.
He won’t help clean the house,
He a shiftless ’ole spouse,
And I think that his “lazy eye’s” spread.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Armchair Poet, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Edmund Conti, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Wendy Watson, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Sunday, May 27th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
An amorous couple began
Canoodling back in the can.
Six miles up above,
Making passionate love;
A door lock was part of the plan.
But turbulence had its own way;
An air pocket ruined their play.
As they both tumbled out,
The fellow would shout:
“We’re flying United, OK?”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GIFT-Themed Limerick Award for this limerick, which is both funny and educational:
A Berliner whose marital bed
Had grown cold took a mistress instead.
His Frau was quite miffed.
So she gave him a Gift,
Which is German for “poison.” He’s dead.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this 2-verse limerick:
My 80-year-old Grandpa Solly
Had a sexy young neighbor named Polly.
On his birthday, she said,
“If you come to my bed,
I’ll give you good times with my dolly.”
Since Solly’s a family man,
He first asked his wife, Grandma Fran.
With a smile sweet and wide,
She most sagely replied,
“Of course, dear. You may… if you can.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Mike Shulman, Brian Allgar, Armchair Poet, Patrice Stewart, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CAN” RHYME LIMERICK THAT IS ALSO GIFT-THEMED)
Sharon Neeman:
My cat’s an incurable giver,
Though her presents do cause me to shiver:
She’ll bring into the house
A dead lizard or mouse
Or what once was a bird’s heart or liver.
If she hasn’t been hunting that day,
She will give me a hairball (oy vey!)
It’s all part of her plan:
She just does what she can
To make sure I don’t give her away.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CAN” RHYME DIVISION)
Tony Holmes:
“I give you permission. You may.
So, do not demur, or delay.
Are you able? You can?
Oh, that’s splendid! Good man!
Well, do carry on then. Good day!”
Mike Shulman:
A homely old dullard named Danny
Thought to spice up the look of his fanny.
He sat on a fan,
Thus dissecting one can,
And declared his new profile uncanny.
Brian Allgar:
“Remember who said ‘Yes we can’?”
Said the Donald. “Well, I gotta plan
To destroy every act,
Every treaty or pact
That the Kenyan impostor began!”
Sharon Neeman:
He looked rich, he walked tall, he talked swell,
And he turned women’s heads — but the smell
That he left in the can
Was sufficient to ban
Him forever from every hotel.
Armchair Poet:
When his search for VP first began,
Trump desired an affirmative man.
So when asked if he’d mind
Kissing lots of behind,
“Not at all” Pence replied, “I sure can!”
Patrice Stewart:
When she dances the can-can, you can
See exactly where (blank) meets that tan.
As her long legs kicked higher,
His groin was on fire –
Eyes met, he waved cash: happy man.
Tim James:
I built Drea, my droid, with a bust
Made from milk jugs, quite large and out-thrust.
Her butt’s smooth and tan
(It’s an old root beer can.)
Now my toaster is burning with lust.
Tony Holmes:
A part of me says that I wouldn’t
Another’s convinced that I couldn’t.
But why not? I’m a MAN;
I’m allowed if I can!
The judge took the view that I shouldn’t.
Konrad Schwoerke:
My cooking’s the best—I’m the man—
If you like all your meals from a can.
I can make stuff from scratch,
But it varies by batch;
You might say it’s a flash in the pan.
Dave Johnson:
When thinking you can’t but you can,
Just try with this one simple plan:
Put the usual don’ts
In a box with your won’ts,
Then begin like before they began.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GIFT-GIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
The horse was enormous, of teak;
The Trojans admired its physique.
Said Hector,”It’s nice,
But how much is the price?”
“None at all, it’s a gift”, said the Greek
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I bought some perfume for Marie,
Who then handed it over to Leigh.
Leigh gave it to Jo,
Who said, “Here’s a gift, Flo.”
Two weeks later, it came back to me.
Sharon Neeman:
Sometimes gifts don’t result from affection;
Sometimes motives do not pass inspection —
And the proof can be seen
Back in 2016,
When the Russians gave Trump the election.
Armchair Poet:
Brian’s poems are far too sublime.
But perhaps he’ll have mercy next time.
As a gift to us all,
He could just take the fall,
And compose an inferior rhyme.
Fred Bortz:
In politics, wouldn’t you know,
That when given a quid, there’s a quo.
So when getting a gift,
You had better be swift
To respond with whatever you owe.
Dave Johnson:
In order to patch up their rift,
He opted to buy her a gift.
His choice was a wig
Three sizes too big;
Reaction was angry and swift.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Armchair Poet, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mike Shulman, Patrice Stewart, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 3 Comments »
Saturday, April 28th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I research old age and disease,
But it’s grim, so I joke and I tease.
My new study’s complex;
It involves lots of sex-
Agenarian interviewees.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special EGO-Themed Limerick Award for this clever ACROSTIC limerick:
There’s nobody smarter than me;
Renowned as no other can be.
Unlike all the rest,
My brain is the best;
Perfection, you’ll have to agree!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Bob Dvorak, Brenda Bryant a/k/a Rinkly Rimes, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Tim James, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TEASE” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Mar-a-Lago: surrounded by tees,
The hooker was down on her knees.
But she laughed when he stood
And presented his “wood” –
It was roughly the size of a bee’s.
Sharon Neeman:
Spring means ditching our sweaters for tees,
Showing ankles and calves — perhaps knees —
And, alone in the grass
With a lad or a lass,
Joining in with the birds and the bees.
Jean McEwen:
At the beauty salon, I said “Please:
I need highlights, a trim, and a tease.”
Now, my hair’s full of mats,
Like a nest full of rats.
On my head there’s a hive full of bees!
Tony Holmes:
When Black Widow Nellie’s in heat
Every male on her menu is sweet.
She will put them at ease,
With some tickle and tease,
Then it’s consummate nuptials – and eat.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Please enjoy our assorted fine teas.
Domestic? Perhaps Cantonese?
We’ve added some weed
To assure that, indeed,
You’ll come back and request a reprise.
Bob Dvorak:
My son, in his 2’s, pushing 3’s,
Begs me, “Daddy, please help me out, please!
“It’s the AY-BEE-CEE song
“That’s just awfully long!
“I can never get past AR-ESS-TEEs!”
Brenda Bryant:
I am prone to forgetting my keys,
Or they fall down the back of settees.
It is rather a bore
When I can’t lock the door,
But the burglars can get in with ease.
Fred Bortz:
He orders, “Get down on your knees,
And prove that you know how to please
With your full, ruby lips.
Then let’s finish with whips.”
Oh, that Marquis de Sade’s such a tease!
Dave Johnson:
The dancers – all handsome and thrilling,
Have clients so happy and willing.
With ladies to please
They are more than a tease;
Their job is both hard and fulfilling.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (EGO LIMERICK DIVISION)
Fred Bortz, who calls his limerick “In-augur-ation Day”:
He dismisses the experts (statistical),
And relies on his sycophants (mystical),
Whose tally (“Oh, Mama!
You’ve doubled Obama.”)
Feeds into his needs (egoistical).
Sharon Neeman:
When he says “I’m the best! Did you ever
Know anyone my kind of clever?”
I won’t spew, gag, or fart;
With my hand on my heart,
I’ll say “No, Mr. President. Never.”
Jean McEwen:
I suspect that the famed Sigmund Freud
Would with me be profoundly annoyed.
My id has gone wild.
My virtue, defiled.
My ego? It’s underemployed.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
In Paris, the Hilton’s elite,
But the girl with that name ain’t so sweet.
She thinks that she’s great,
Just really first-rate;
She even will kiss her own feet.
Tim James:
If it’s brains that you want, I’m the best;
And my wit far outshines all the rest.
But you’ll soon come to see
What’s the best about me:
I’m so humble. You’ll be quite impressed.
Byron Miller:
If you’re human, you need to be right;
Someone tells you you’re wrong, it’s a slight.
Despite tiptoes and tact,
Watch the ego react
Every time, and defensively fight.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Brenda Bryant, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (296)
Saturday, April 14th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“I’m sure you’re much bigger than Clark,”
Murmured Lois. They stripped in the dark.
“Now, do me in doggy.”
On sex, he was foggy,
So Superman started to bark.
Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Birds chirp with great gusto. Bees hum.
Jack caresses Jill’s well-rounded bum.
These are signs of the season,
Both bawdy and pleasin’,
Since Jack, Jill, and spring have all come.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
“It’s Springtime! I’m gonna embark
On destroying each national park.
Instead of birds trilling,
You’ll hear only drilling.
Signed, X” (the illiterate’s mark)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Doug Harris, Bruce Niedt, John Bergstrom, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARK” RHYME DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
In my favorite botanical park
There’s a sign someone wrote on a lark:
“This tree’s no magnolia.
It’s dogwood, I tol’ ya.
I know by the sound of its bark.”
Marty Gerendasy:
Every night the young man would embark
To a nice cozy spot in the park.
In a place cool and shady
He’d meet a young lady
Who’d do her best work after dark.
Sharon Neeman:
They had started to “park” in the dark
When her Peke nipped his hand — left a mark!
“Damn that pooch!” he complained;
She shrugged, “Why? He’s well trained!
Did you notice? Not even a bark!”
Jean McEwen:
I’ve been ratted out bad by a narc.
Now they’re raiding the damn trailer park.
Toss the stash in the trash!
Stuff the cash in the cache!
ATTACK, useless mutt! Don’t just bark!
Konrad Schwoerke:
My paranoid neighbor named Mark
Once had dogs that would constantly bark.
Then the law came and caught ’em;
I cheered when they got ’em,
But now there’s a moat with a shark.
Doug Harris:
He played with black holes for a lark,
His matter essentially dark.
And still we’re uncorking
The theories of Hawking,
With infinite bytes to his bark …
Bruce Niedt:
A frustrated beaver named Clark
Gnawed at trees, leaving nary a mark.
Said his dentist, “It’s clear
What is going on here –
Your bite is much worse than your bark.”
John Bergstrom:
Some sailors debarked in the dark
And hurried downtown for a lark.
It’s not like you heard –
They just wanted a bird
To sing to them back on the barque.
Byron Miller:
Skipper sailed round the point in the dark;
We’d been blown by the gale, off the mark.
Though we tried a broad reach,
We washed up on the beach:
And the bight did its worst to the barque.
Tony Holmes:
“Yes, our dogs like to roam after dark,
And we give them the run of the park.
It’s unwise to intrude;
If you do, then you’re food.
And a dog busy bitin’ don’t bark.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPRING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Marty Gerendasy:
Frigid blasts from the north, they still blow,
And the sidewalks are buried in snow.
It’s supposed to be spring,
But that don’t mean a thing
When the wind chill is forty below!
Fred Bortz:
It’s springtime. The world is bucolic,
And lovers are eager to frolic.
That’s the goal of the chase,
But prepare, just in case,
With a bev’rage (of course, alcoholic.)
Jean McEwen:
From the slammer, I’m planning to spring.
But first, I need someone to bring
Me a shiv, drill, and wrench.
Then I’ll dig a deep trench.
And make sure that my cellmate don’t sing.
Dave Johnson:
It’s springtime – we’re Marching away
From snowy and blowy each day.
We’ll put up with showers
That grow April flowers;
And hope to warm up, come what May.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Is it April in Paris again?
I fondly remember just when
The trees were in bloom,
They smelled like perfume,
And I drowned that damn cheat in the Seine.
Tim James:
Do you know what I hate about Spring?
It’s this “paying the IRS” thing.
What’s OK to deduct?
(Oh my God, I’m so fuct.)
It all ends with my ass in a sling.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce Niedt, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Bergstrom, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (295)
