Posts Tagged ‘Fred Bortz’
Saturday, April 6th, 2024
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
In broad daylight he aimed; took the shot.
She lay still, on the deck of his yacht.
When she writhed on the floor,
He shot her twice more
At his favorite fashion pics spot.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the PICTURES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
His new gal was an absolute mess;
He was fully enthralled, nonetheless.
He wised up really quick
When he spotted her pic
On the wall at the USPS.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: AMUSING, DOCTOR, NEUROTIC, POSTPONE, VANITY.
Vain old Donald is having his say again;
With the Bible he’s having his way again.
He amuses his base,
As he says with straight face —
“We will all Make America Prey Again!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Gennadiy Gurariy, Doug Harris, J.OConnor, Trevor Alexander, Susan Settje, Dave Johnson, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman, Mike Monks, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Cried a doctor when one patient fought
An injection, “Just take it or not!”
And he wasn’t amused
When the same guy confused
Him by saying, “I’d rather be shot.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PICTURES-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I like classic old Westerns a lot —
Gritty films where drunk cowboys get shot.
When these tough buckaroos
Take in bullets and booze,
They just grin and say, “That hit the spot.”
Tim James:
She texted her picture. She’s hot,
So I thought I’d give romance a shot.
Then she told me she’s rootin’
For Vladimir Putin.
My internet girlfriend’s a bot!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
If The Donald should lose the election,
There’s no reason to stage insurrection.
He should give (while he’s hot)
Making movies a shot.
He’s so awfully good at projection.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME DIVISION)
Gail White:
The day of my hanging was hot
And the amateurs tying the knot
Made a slippery noose
That was really too loose…
So I opted for just being shot.
Jean McEwen:
Sophie figured she’d give it a shot.
So she struck while the iron was hot.
But then promptly she learned
That one’s hand will get burned
When the iron one strikes isn’t wrought.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
With a gun pointed straight at his head,
The quarry quick-wittedly said,
“A close-up is not
My favorite shot.
Could you make it a selfie instead?”
Tim James:
She lost track of the number of shots
That she’d downed. (Let’s just say it was lots.)
She will drink you — she’s able —
Way under the table.
She’s Mary, the Queen of the Sots.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
One evening a thief tried his best
To break through the lock on my chest.
I yelled “you’ll get shot!”
And aimed the red dot
But then let my cats do the rest.
Doug Harris:
The Jaeger bombs started the rot;
With whiskies I’ve often been caught.
The Doc’s diagnosis:
(I can’t spell cirrhosis)
My liver is totally shot!
J.OConnor:
He decided that he’d take a shot
At tying his own Windsor Knot.
Though he’d try and he’d try,
He could not tie the tie,
And tie tired is all that he got.
Trevor Alexander:
She had my tongue tied up in knots
And gave me a case of the hots.
My libido was zingin’,
But turned out she’s mingin’.
I’m glad I’ve had all of my shots.
Mark Totterdell:
Having starting the night sipping tots,
I continued with various shots.
After many drinks more,
I was flat on the floor,
Swilling beer out of two-gallon pots.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PICTURES-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
She tried a new app for a date.
Turns out, it was far less than great;
Selecting a guy,
But whose pic was AI,
A zombie who then showed up late.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
At last I pried open my wallet
For that blasted thing… what do kids call it?
The self-serving stick?
The self, selfie trick?
Now can somebody help me install it?
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
There’s the shirt with the Donald T mugshot,
And the Viktor-and-me T, a hug shot.
But I can’t wait to see,
The celebrative tee,
That’s the Donald’s-at-last-in-the-jug shot.
J.OConnor, for his “true home improvement story”
Pulled old wallpaper off of our wall.
Found a picture drawn seven feet tall
Of a majorette dressed
In a way no one guessed:
Besides boots she wore nothing at all.
Bob Turvey:
Said my father, “I think I’ll invest
My spare cash in tattoos for my chest.
I’ve a picture in mind –
Charlie Chaplin’s behind –
It’ll make me laugh when I’m depressed.”
Lisi Nortman:
I rarely take selfies. I lack
The fervor, the zeal and the knack.
Though I cannot deny
That I gave it a try
To examine that zit on my back.
Mike Monks:
A meet & greet held in a bar
Fell terribly lower than par;
While her pic showed a cutie,
There now was no beauty.
Come on, folks! Just show who you are!
Fred Bortz:
For a classical musical treat,
Try Mussorgsky’s evocative suite
That brings to fruition
An art exhibition.
A sensory palate complete!
Lisi Nortman:
This sale is sure not “for the birds.”
The people are coming in herds.
They’ve a very nice staff.
The reduction is “half.”
Each pic is worth 500 words.
Jean McEwen:
Bedecking the walls of Jill’s villa
Are paintings that look just vanilla.
Every piece of her home
Is clichéd – monochrome.
Refined taste? Jill has not a scintilla.
Brian Allgar:
Donald Trump is a blowhard, quite mad,
And I picture a scene, very bad:
To prove he’s a sleaze
And determined to please,
He’s down on his knees blowing Vlad.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: AMUSING, DOCTOR, NEUROTIC, POSTPONE, VANITY.)
Susan Settje:
The pompous young doc lacked humanity.
His godlike self-image, pure vanity.
Like a peacock, he preened,
While his patients all keened.
His murder? I’m pleading insanity.
Terry Marter:
With neurosis eroding her sanity;
Obsessed with her mirror, (and vanity),
She’s applied to herself
The whole beauty bar shelf,
And now looks like a walking profanity!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Jane asked, “Doctor, can I be psychotic?”
When he answered, “No, simply neurotic,
And perhaps a bit vain,”
She complained, “How mundane.
I deserve something much more exotic.”
Tim James:
A neurotic old despot named Don
Told his doctor, “My self-control’s gone.
I’m obnoxious, or vain,
Or just flat-out insane;
It depends on the drugs that I’m on.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
The reception you get will be cold,
If you contact your doctor, I’m told,
And try to postpone
Your appointment by phone.
All they do then is put you on hold.
Tim James:
I want to write something amusing.
My Muse, though, won’t help; she’s refusing.
In my vanity, I
Thought at least that she’d try.
I’d do better by taking up boozing.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When Rod needed “amusement” –and quick,
He thought Speed Dating might do the trick.
But the date said, “You’re vain,
And your fast-talk’s inane.”
Then she gave him a really swift kick.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Gail White, Gennadiy Gurariy, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Mike Monks, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Susan Settje, Terry Marter, Tim James, Trevor Alexander, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (520)
Saturday, March 9th, 2024
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny and timely two-verse limerick:
That passenger flight went awry
While thousands of feet in the sky.
A window seat door
Wasn’t there any more;
Unbolted, it fell from on high.
And now their commercial can say:
“Come fly with us – starting today.
Our Boeing Max 9
Is a new plane so fine;
Its features will blow you away!”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TOOTH/TEETH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
He was trapped when the burglars broke in,
Tied with ropes from his toes to his chin.
But his son heard him call,
And he bit through them all –
He was saved by the teeth of his kin.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever “Venus de Milo” limerick which uses at least two of these five words: LOOK, MESSY, PROOF, RIDDLE, UNFAIR.
What’s up with her schmata? (A dress?)
She sure didn’t “drape” for success!
With no arms, life’s unfair.
You can’t fix your own hair.
Ms. Milo’s a classical mess!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Marc Davidson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Bindy Bitterman, and J.OConnor. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
Observers conject as to why
Mona Lisa’s smile looks kinda wry.
Despite the belief
That she ain’t got no teef
There’s now proof that she’d just screwed her guy.
Tim James:
I looked at the bottle of rye.
It was 86 proof. With a sigh,
I imbibed (to excess)
And woke up in a mess,
Missing teeth. Now the riddle is: Why?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
A gleaming-white-smile kinda guy,
Screwed his dentist’s wife once, on the sly.
Since the dentist’s revenge,
His teeth look like Stonehenge,
Lots of gaps and all angled awry.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
By a fantasy he was inspired
To make love on a bike. This required
That he be fit and spry.
But it all went awry:
When he tried it, it made him two tired.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When it used to be Siri and me,
I was happy as happy can be.
But it all went awry
When this open AI
Started blabbing on ChatGPT.
Bob Turvey:
Said an actress, “Oh my goodness me!
Archbishop – your hand’s on my knee!
You’ve a glint in your eye…
And your vestment’s awry!
And you haven’t yet paid me the fee!”
Marc Davidson:
I’m giving gymnastics a try,
For I’m feeling uncommonly spry.
But I’m booking, you betcha,
Two guys with a stretcher,
in case my attempt goes awry.
Fred Bortz:
There once was an atheist guy
Who decided to give God a try.
What led him to choose
To commune with the Jews?
The kosher dill pickles and rye!
Robert Schechter:
I thought I’d give baking a try.
It didn’t go well. I won’t lie.
The recipe said
I was baking white bread,
But somehow my plans went a rye.
Tim James:
Said a woman whose outlook was wry:
“Why do men always think they must lie?
Seven inches? No way!
Mark my words when I say:
I can measure such objects by eye.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Once, the tooth fairy used to buy back,
Any tooth — be it pearly or black.
The prize for a chomper,
When I wore a romper
Was cash. Now it’s just some old plaque.
Lisi Nortman, for her “Leonardo da Vinci’s Request”
“You look great in that Renaissance style,
But your ugly teeth stick out a mile.
Kindly breathe through your nose
To assume a new pose.
Mona, please try a more subtle smile.”
Robert Schechter:
I thought I was dining on cattle,
But chewing became a great battle.
I found out the truth
When I busted a tooth
On the stud of a fine English saddle.
Terry Marter:
Here’s a tongue-in-cheek tale of a sleuth
Who is well past the prime of his youth.
The defective detective
Is now less effective,
Short of breath, and too long in the tooth.
Bob Turvey:
If you drive in mid-winter in Leith —
GO SLOW — or you may need a wreath;
The council’s so mean
They’ve no gritting machine –
Their advice is to grit your own teeth.
Marc Davidson:
I’m buying my dentist a wreath
For the coming demise of my teeth.
I’m down in the mouth,
For my hygiene’s gone south,
Exposing the rot underneath.
Tim James:
My dentist is cranky and old,
And his manner’s increasingly cold.
What I really can’t stand
Is his unsteady hand.
That’s what gets on my nerves, tooth be told.
Tony Holmes:
My wife’s teeth are like stars in that they
Will come out at the close of each day.
And once toothless – sans bite –
She’s a pitiful sight,
But her tongue’s just as sharp, so, “Oy vey!”
Mark Totterdell:
A fine set of teeth has the ocelot,
Though it’s true that they do make him cross a lot.
When food scraps get stuck
It’s annoying as f*ck
And if only he could he would floss a lot.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A born chiseler, one dentist Keith,
Claims, “Your smile will light up like a wreath!
For ten grand (thereabout),
These new crowns will stand out.”
So his patients all sport big-buck teeth.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A golfer who’s constantly gutting
It out in a rough that needs cutting,
Maybe looks to the green,
To make shots more pristine;
For the proof is (they say) in the putting.
Brian Allgar:
“Look, these charges are really unfair!
They’re riddled with lies and hot air.
The riot that day
Was messy, OK,
But there’s proof I was not even there!”
Jean McEwen:
Though my tresses look messy, the breeze
Is the reason it’s tangled. So please!
Stop critiquing my hair!
You are being unfair.
At least I do not harbor fleas!
Bindy Bitterman:
Good heavens, it’s awfully unfair
To blame ME for the mess that’s up there!
Sure, it’s under my roof
But I rent to that goof
For whom “dress-up” means clean underwear!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I got holes in the lobes of each ear,
And tattoos on my back and my rear.
Then I ventured a look,
At a skin disease book,
And now I am riddled with fear.
Fred Bortz:
An unflattering SNL spoof
Sent that narcissist Trump through the roof.
When he tweeted, “Unfair!!
I have much better hair.”
They countered, “See now we have proof.”
J.OConnor:
They roundly agree she’s a square.
On the hole Peggy’s treatment’s unfair.
If Peg had looked ’round,
I’m sure she’d have found
A square Peg’s never fitting in there!
Terry Marter:
“Visit Scotland,” they said, – look for Nessie.
So we did, – took my dumb cousin Jesse.
He jumped in for a swim,
And soon Nessie found him.
After that, things became rather messy!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bindy Bitterman, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Marc Davidson, Mark Totterdell, Robert Schechter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (519)
Saturday, June 24th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
At the power plant, newcomer Dwight
Was not very careful or bright;
He shorted the grid,
And, you know, when he did,
It both was and was not a delight.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TEACHER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My mentor at work taught me this:
Never tell the boss something’s amiss.
When he says something dumb,
Shut your mouth and stay mum;
And don’t ever forget what to kiss.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: JOINT, LOVELY, NAP, TAX, CONQUER.
Mused one caveman — a sensitive chap —
Before giving his woman a rap,
“I would take time to conquer
My instinct to bonk her,
But then I’d miss out on my nap.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Paul Haebig, J.OConnor, Terry Marter, Judy Freed, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: LIGHT/DELIGHT-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEACHER-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Tim James:
She pursued and eventually caught him.
It took a full day, but she taught him
All the ways to delight.
For the final that night,
His exam was complete, top to bottom.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHT/DELIGHT-RHYME DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
The dragon beseeched the brave knight:
“Would you help me, kind sir, in my plight?
The fire’s gone out
At the end of my snout.
Could you possibly give me a light?”
J.OConnor, for his “acrostic” limerick:
Look at me and you’ll see that I’m light.
I’m as light as a feather and might
Get airborne with ease,
Head off in the breeze,
Then get stuck in a tree like a kite!
Terry Marter:
If you tend to post lims when you’re pissed,*
Your subtle wit’s ‘gems’ will be missed.
Your talent, so bright,
Will fail to delight,
Cause no one but you, gets the gist.
*Inebriated
Judy Freed:
She thought she was losing her sight.
Her vision got blurry at night.
Her fears were erased
When her bulbs were replaced.
She could see! It was purely de-light.
Rudy Landesman:
He intended to kiss her that night
By the moon’s bright and silvery light;
But there was an eclipse.
He could not find her lips.
He too, it would seem, wasn’t bright.
Mark Totterdell:
In my youth, life was fun as could be,
But the years have made changes in me.
Now my greatest delight
Would be sleeping all night
With no need to get up for a pee.
Lisi Nortman, who adds that many drivers take the Lincoln Tunnel to get from New Jersey to NYC:
If you’re taking the “Lincoln” tonight,
At the end, you should make a quick right.
Though those hookers don’t know you,
They’re happy to show you:
At the end of the tunnel, there’s light.
Paul Haebig:
I wanted to serve something light,
So I made some fish tacos last night.
But it didn’t work out;
Those ungrateful trout
Swam off without even a bite!
Terry Marter:
Some regard bawdy lim’ricks as trite
And prefer Lim’rick Lite as their rite.
While some others, imbued
With a bent to be crude,
Tend to use words like ‘shite’ with delight.
Mark Totterdell:
A limerick mentioning light
Is a thing I am sure I could write.
I’ve got plenty of time
To come up with a rhyme.
Now just when is that deadline? Oh shite!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEACHER-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“Just explain how to do it,” she begs,
“And I’ll swallow it all to the dregs.”
“Grasp with fingers and thumbs,
Then suck hard till it comes …”
I had taught my old Gran to suck eggs.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’d like to give thanks to those teachers,
Who due to their no-nonsense features,
Helped build a foundation,
While real education,
Was going on under the bleachers.
Judy Freed:
All my life, how I’d hunger and yearn
For a love who would love in return.
Now I offer a course
In avoiding divorce.
’Cause we teach what we most need to learn.
J.OConnor:
Recommended by our local preacher,
She’s also a Sunday school teacher.
And she’ll accept checks
When you call her for sex.
But Sundays may be hard to reach her.
Bob Turvey:
Cried an old Orkney teacher named Stover,
“As a sadist I think I’m in clover.
Perhaps there are laws
On using the tawse,
But they don’t apply here so bend over.”
Lisi Nortman, who adds: “In 1969, I taught 5th grade for one year. One year was enough.”
If you want to teach 5th grade, beware!
You’ll repeatedly say this, I swear:
“Your hands don’t belong
In your pants; it’s just wrong.
And girls, please stop twirling your hair.”
Tony Holmes:
The instructor said, “Indicate right.”
I turned left. (You’ve discerned I’m not bright.)
For my second mistake,
I drove into the lake – –
They’re just keeping him in overnight.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: JOINT, LOVELY, NAP, TAX, CONQUER.)
Tim James:
A lovely girl carp known as Joy
Swiftly conquered the heart of each boy
In the fish pond. She’d flirt,
And then treat them like dirt.
It turned out she was just being koi.
Fred Bortz:
The lovely maid knew what he meant.
His eyes showed his evil intent.
He wouldn’t just conquer.
He’d ravish and bonk her
Until his desire was spent.
J.OConnor:
At night when the lights are down low
And his lovely wife’s watching a show,
He will say in her ear
“Are you napping my dear?”
Then she’ll always snore twice for a “NO.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When I doze with a wrap on my lap,
My young pup chews the thing into pap.
With his nose out of joint,
Soggy fluff makes his point:
“I have had quite enough of this nap!”
Dave Johnson:
When the bad news continues to tax,
We need to know how to relax.
Try napping or play;
Although some spend their day
Immersed in alternative facts.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I would write of the joints I have been to —
Taken women and children and men to —
But it’s best not to tax
My old brain for the facts
That I shouldn’t be putting my pen to.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award. To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, J.OConnor, Judy Freed, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 29th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A baker tried hard to adjust
When his shop was about to go bust.
Just a smidgen of “herb”
Made his products superb.
Now he’s part of the town’s upper crust.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the COURT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
All week I interpret in court,
Which, believe me, is work and not sport —
But I’ll take my (slim) check
To the bakery. Heck!
Not just perps can enjoy a good tort(e)!
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: PLANT, HOBBIES, LEARN, LIKEABLE, WARN.
Rose and Fern yearned to learn how to dance,
Yet they sat by the wall in a trance.
Said their mother, upset,
“Well, that’s what we get,
For naming our kids after plants.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, Sue Dulley, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, Keone Morienga, Terry Marter, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, David Friedman, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: JUST or UNJUST or ADJUST-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COURT-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I hope Trump isn’t limo’d, but bussed
Off to prison –not handcuffed, but trussed.
And when he complains
The Court will take pains
To give him more time to adjust.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JUST or UNJUST or ADJUST-RHYME DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
She pulled and she tugged and she fussed
And made efforts her blouse to adjust,
But the gap in her top
Caught the eye of a cop,
So her cleavage led right to her bust.
Sue Dulley:
My taxes are filed, only just!
They’ve been mailed and I now have to trust
They’ll be judged as correct
And no one will suspect
That I minussed when I should have plussed.
Jean McEwen:
If there’s one thing that gals find unjust,
It’s when guys, in the grip of their lust,
Think they’ve God-given passes
To grab tits and asses.
In a just world, they’d all bite the dust.
Lisi Nortman:
“Henry darling, will you please adjust
The volume? It’s late and I must
Listen right through the wall
To hear Judy and Paul.
I need some vicarious lust.”
Tony Holmes:
Spare a thought for the chap on the wane,
Whose one thought is, “I’ll never again …”
He is forced to adjust,
As his parts start to rust,
And – increasingly – opts to abstain.
Mark Totterdell:
The wife of a man from St Just
Had a truly spectacular bust,
Which she’d swing at his head
As they frolicked in bed
Till it rendered him badly concussed.
Keone Morienga:
If the world can be said to be just,
Then these three simple things are a must:
No more suffering; nor
The raw conflict of war;
Most importantly… flash me your bust?
Terry Marter:
The hooker had such a huge bust,
That her bra straps were hard to adjust.
Boobs suddenly out;
Killed the client – one clout!
’Twas his first try at sex … and his lust!
Brian Allgar:
I may need some time to adjust;
My target was “Seven or bust” –
For one week, I would sin,
Giving each one a spin,
But I still haven’t got beyond Lust.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (COURT-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman, who asks, “Remember this commercial?”
Michael Jordan claimed he won’t resume
His hooping, which triggered much gloom.
Although great on the court
In this fast-moving sport,
I prefer him in Fruit Of The Loom.
Dave Johnson:
“Not guilty, your Honor” he said,
When each of the charges were read.
His case went to trial;
Now there’s reason to smile:
No BLUE suits – just orange instead.
Fred Bortz, who describes it as “a bit of twisted history.”
Long ago in the Royal French Court
Lived a ruler (I’m sad to report)
Who, though having great strength,
Was deficient in length,
So his Queen called him Pepin the Short.
David Friedman:
A judge lacking reason and grace,
Who hates your religion or race,
Who isn’t too smart,
Has no mercy or heart,
Is us’lly the one who you’ll face.
Tim James:
“At the courthouse I saw lots of guys,
Big and strong, and with tears in their eyes,
Saying, ‘Sir, it’s unfair….’”
Wow, I can’t recall where
I’ve heard whoppers of similar size.
Lisi Nortman:
We courted in 1903.
I loved her and knew she loved me.
In 1904
I wanted much more.
So she finally showed me her knee.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: PLANT, HOBBIES, LEARN, LIKEABLE, WARN.)
Brian Allgar:
The enforcer is sent to warn those
Who’ve displeased the Big Boss; when he goes
Around doing his job, he
Indulges his hobby –
Collecting their fingers and toes.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A pretentious young fellow named Bobby,
Claimed he looked up big words as a hobby.
“I don’t like learning words,”
He revealed, “it’s for nerds.
But I really do love sounding snobby.”
Tim James:
There’s a spy at the greenhouse named Grant.
He’s a likeable guy, but he can’t
Learn the diff’rence between
A sweet pea and a bean.
He’s a ringer. You might say a “plant.”
Sue Dulley:
I just learned, and it makes little sense,
Some fine words like Defence and Offence
That seem perfect to me
In my hobby, The Bee,
Need an S, not a C! (Makes me tense.😫)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I was two when I learned that a horse
Could be banged on and beaten with force.
But that was the last time
I tried out this pastime.
(It was only a hobby, of course).
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Competition Limerick, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest, Writing Prompts
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (508)
Saturday, January 7th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his funny two-verser:
A limerick writer was blue
’Cause the rhyme word was “blew,” and he knew
That his muse (nasty slut!)
Would produce only smut.
So he caved. What’s an artist to do?
The result:
A couple who drove through St. Lou
Got excited and tried something new.
They went into a roll
When he lost all control;
But it wasn’t a Goodyear that blew.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the RELIGION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“Commandments to get into heaven?”
Said Moses, “Let’s keep it to seven.”
But God said, “No way!
There are ten, and they’ll stay!
You’re lucky there aren’t eleven!”
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.
Eyes half-glazed, up I gazed at a soffit,
When some “crawly” (unnamed) fell right off it.
It dropped onto my iris,
An act undesirous,
From which none but my eye doc will profit.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Keone Morienga, Mark Totterdell, Gennadiy Gurariy, Gail White, Robert Schechter, Edmund Conti, Tim James, Fred Bortz, Steve Benko, Rudy Landesman, Ken Gosse, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BLUE or BLEW-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
Like a bat out of hell, my car flew,
Drifting hard ’round the bends; back-end slew.
Now I always must walk,
So I just talk the talk
Since the two-point-o-four that I blew!
Sharon Neeman:
Oh well, yes, I suppose it is true
That the sky and some flowers are blue,
But my mood’s bluer still
When I see (as I will)
That my tax refund hasn’t come through.
Lisi Nortman:
Dear Santa, I’ve been very kind,
Extremely polite and refined.
Gee, now I am blue
Cuz none of that’s true.
I’m tearing this up. Never Mind!
Terry Marter:
Inspiration has got a clogged vent;
My mojo’s behind with the rent;
My muse is so blue
She hasn’t a clue,
And I can’t coin a phrase, cos I’m spent.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
An untalented flute ingenue,
Good at humming, took up the kazoo.
Buzzed the flautists, “Atrocious!”
Purred Maestro, “Precocious.”
(The kazoo wasn’t all that she blew.)
Keone Morienga:
Are you overwhelmed, stressed out, and blue
’Cause you bit more off than you can chew?
H o O k E r S d R u G s M i N d L e S s s E x
f L e E F r O m H i T – A n D – R u N W r E c K s …
Just like that, you won’t feel so askew!
Mark Totterdell:
So I went as a Smurf to the do,
All dressed up with my skin tinted too,
But I must have, I think,
Used indelible ink,
And for weeks ever since I’ve been blue.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
The past tense of fly? Why it’s flew.
The past tense of blow? Surely blew.
So why did my teacher
(A hard-hearted creature)
Get mad when I said “the car slew?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RELIGION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Gail White:
Said Abraham, “Lord, could you fix
Just one problem before the Law sticks?
We’re devout to the core,
But are you really sure
We must all snip the ends off our dicks?”
Lisi Nortman:
There’s a new handy way to confess.
Go ahead; you’ll relieve all your stress.
You won’t have to wait.
And you’ll still make your date.
Get in line for the “Ten Sins Or Less.”
Sharon Neeman:
Dear Pastor, I know that you pray
For me hundreds of times every day.
Better save that entreaty:
I’m telling you, sweetie,
I plan to stay gay anyway.
Robert Schechter:
The Lord said to Abraham, “Go
And slaughter your son. Don’t be slow!”
Abe said, “Who am I
To refuse to comply?”
But his son said he should have said no.
Terry Marter:
Eve wandered through Eden, in song,
Looking hot in a fresh fig-leaf thong.
She soon was detected
By Homo Erected.
I ask: what, on Earth, could go wrong?
Edmund Conti:
Said Harry, “I’m decent and clean
And my prayers are all prayers that I mean.
I’m now eighty-seven.
I’ll soon be in Heaven.”
Said God, “That remains to be seen.”
Keone Morienga, who describes this as “Off-Label Use for Holy Anointing Oil”
When she paused to discuss a conjunction –
Sought to question an ampersand’s function –
I said, “Miss, please excuse,
But this rub down could use
Fewer ifs, ands, or buts and more unction.”
Tim James:
Do you know my friend Tom, the agnostic?
On the subject of faith he is caustic:
“Utter nonsense! What goof
Believes tales with no proof?”
That’s the story behind this acrostic.
Fred Bortz:
A dyslexic was left in the lurch
On the pulpit, where he had a perch.
He offered his prayers
To the great Dog upstairs
And soon was tossed out of the church.
Steve Benko says:
“Hey buddy, come join the crusade;
We’ll pillage and loot and get laid,”
Said the knight. And the Pope
Says “Don’t sit there and mope;
Get a move on! For conquest I’ve prayed!”
Rudy Landesman:
I went skiing last year up in Maine.
All week long it did nothing but rain.
If God is all good,
I don’t know how He could
Permit evil weather. Explain!
Gennadiy Gurariy:
I admit I can feel the flames lapping
When I start anapestic’ly rapping
With my lim’rickal horde,
Yet even the Lord
(When they’re funny) is secretly clapping.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.)
Ken Gosse:
Alas, silver has no perfect rhyme.
Rhyming profit with prophet’s a crime.
In Jove’s name, please don’t tease—
near-rhyme causes unease—
I get nauseous from rhyme that’s sub-prime.
Lisi Nortman:
We named our new baby girl Iris.
For this miracle, Sue was desirous.
In her fam-il-y way,
She was nauseous each day
A Miracle? Or just a virus?
Sharon Neeman:
That monster whose name rhymes with “frump”
Leaves me nauseous and needing a dump,
But his luck has begun
To run out — oh, what fun! —
And his profits will certainly slump.
Tim James:
Teased a comely young woman named Mae:
“Come and see me! I’ll cook, then we’ll play!
But my cooking may cause ya
A bad bout of nausea.”
We skipped straight to the nookie that day.
Jon Gearhart:
A Shakespearian line, some think keen,
I tease is much too widely seen.
“What’s in a NAME?”
That question is lame–
The answer’s MANE, AMEN and MEAN!
Tim James:
A woman named Jenny, he’s found,
Has a body and face that astound.
She’s a bit of a tease,
But she’s willing to please.
Silver baubles will bring her around.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Secret Santa is always the same,”
Groused The Grinch. “What a profitless game.”
He dug into his hat,
And sighed, “So much for that.”
Once again he had drawn his own name.
Tim James:
They say profits and wealth are a lie;
Silver loses its shine, by and by.
The possession of treasure
Will bring you no pleasure.
(I’m willing to give it a try.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A loner, named Ranger, prized tasks
That were mindless — like washing his masks.
If his doorbell should chime,
He’d tell Tonto, “Say I’m
Cleaning silver, if anyone asks.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Edmund Conti, Fred Bortz, Gail White, Gennadiy Gurariy, Jon Gearhart, Ken Gosse, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (504)
Saturday, December 10th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
An Irish expatriate male
Yearned for Limerick gals, so set sail
To those faraway shores,
Where he found British whores,
All beyond the proverbial Pale.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GOSSIP-Themed Limerick Award. In his trio of limericks, Tim imagines a world where children’s rhymes and songs are the subjects of gossip.
Mother Hubbard missed meals and she knew
That her doggy would go hungry too.
Now the word on the street
Is: in order to eat,
She’s been cooking herself canine stew.
That old farmer who lives in the dell
Torched his buildings in town, I hear tell.
Cow and cheese prices crashed
And his cash flow was slashed —
But the payout from Allstate was swell!
Have you heard the hot news about Jill?
Someone told me she went up the hill
With that ne’er-do-well Jack,
Then got down on her back.
I sure hope she’s been taking the Pill.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: CLASS, CATCH, FLASHY, STARE, GAIN.
When a lower-class lout (quite the potterer),
Wed a crone twice his age (thought a lot o’ her),
Said his Pappy, “What fun!
While I’m losing a son,
It appears I am gaining a dotterer!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, Edmund Conti, Bob Turvey, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SALE or SAIL-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Moby’s ladylove cried up a gale,
When she caught her man out chasing sail.
Upon hearing her blubber,
One classy landlubber,
Said, “Good God, that’s one hell of a wail!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SALE or SAIL-RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
A mariner’s spinning a tale:
“How not to prepare for a gale.
It’s known from the past
That removing the mast
Will render a boat not for sail.”
Jean McEwen:
Those large bags of Tostitos, on sale
For $4.99 rarely fail
To draw in the shoppers
Who also love Whoppers–
Preferring them, greatly, to kale.
Lisi Nortman:
At Target, I’d hoped to succeed
In purchasing items I’d need.
But this “Black Friday” sale
Was more like a trail
That led to the Klondike Stampede.
Tim James:
Once again, with the ladies I fail.
When I asked for a night out with Gail,
She said, “Hate to be rude;
You’re a hapless old dude.”
What’s this “hap” and who’s got some for sale?
Mark Totterdell:
In that tale, when the whaler sets sail
On the trail of the palest old whale,
You hope it’ll so be
A win for old Moby,
And pray that the sailors will fail.
Terry Marter:
Archeologists dug hill and dale,
Found an ancient note; fragile and pale.
Spending millions (they said)
We’ve revealed that it’s red
And says: “half off marked price in this sale.”
Lisi Nortman:
I went with my bosom friend, Gail
To “Plus-Size” to check out their sale.
I tried to be kind
When I saw a “great find”
And said, “This would fit YOU or a whale.
Rudy Landesman:
My girlfriend, I’m told, has set sail.
Therein, as you’ve guessed, lies a tale.
She went off to float
In some other guy’s boat.
And I’m glad; I’ve been wanting to bail.
Tony Holmes:
Legend tells of a seafaring snail
Which went cruising traversing a sail.
In the time that it took
To return from Cape Cook
It had learned how to reef in a gale.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GOSSIP-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Edmund Conti:
Did you hear what I heard about Mary
And her deeds that were rather contrary
To our town’s moral code?
(Yes, I’m gonna explode.)
Psst, psst, also Tom, Dick and Harry.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
As for gossip these days, I want none of it;
Though it seems that I’m mired in a ton of it.
How I miss the old days,
With their civilized ways,
When we picked on folks just for the fun of it.
Bob Turvey:
There’s a gossip-mad lady called Fay
Who is gullible too, I would say.
She once started a rumour
That she had a tumour –
And believed it when told the next day!
Terry Marter:
Those who gossip can be such a pain.
They’ve no class, and their views are inane.
E.G: Trump’s a good case;
Gossip spews from his face,
Yet he thinks he’ll be Prez once again.
Jean McEwen:
Prying quidnuncs persistently wish
To find dirt on their foes, so they fish!
They’re expert consumers
Of bruit, tales, and rumors
That yentas reliably dish.
Lisi Nortman, for her “Juicy Gossip:
Did you hear that Mad’s led us astray?
She pilfered our verses last May!
Put them ALL in a book
You can find at “Book Nook”
Titled, “Never Write Lim’ricks This Way!”
Dave Johnson:
Whenever we go for a ride
On horseback, Sue’s quick to confide
Some secret she heard;
Now she’s spreading the word.
Her gossip is taken in stride.
Fred Bortz:
In Yiddish, they call her a Yenta.
She’s the one who believes virtue sent her.
Others’ favor she wins
By recounting your sins,
And there’s naught you can do to prevent her.
Tim James, a 2-verser:
There’s a statue of Zeus in the square,
Where the townsfolk have gathered to stare.
He’s buck naked, you see,
And his package is wee.
(He’s a god, though; that doesn’t seem fair.)
The chatter’s intense. “By my soul,
What poor loser would pose with that pole?”
“This was sculpted from life
By the mayor’s ex-wife!”
Idol gossip is out of control.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: CLASS, CATCH, FLASHY, STARE, GAIN.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When my last Class Reunion was done,
Someone nudged me to say that I’d won
At both “Glassy-eyed Stare”
And “Eat Muesli in Chair.”
See, you’re never too old to have fun.
Jean McEwen:
So you wonder why boys gape and stare
At your ass? Well, it’s practically bare!
Listen: Girls who dress flashy
Get treatment that’s trashy.
Attend to the clothes that you wear!
Lisi Nortman for her “Senior Citizen Mahjong Club”
Hot flashes are something we share.
We’ve no eyebrows, but lots of chin hair.
We’ve abandoned romance,
Cause we might wet our pants.
Yet, we still have that come-hither stare.
Edmund Conti:
There once was a golfer so flashy,
A bystander stared and said “Trashy.”
When she heard that oaf mutter,
She threw down her putter
And gave him a whack with her mashie.
Fred Bortz:
The laddie would stare at the lass,
Admiring the curve of her ass.
The way she was built
Got a rise ’neath his kilt,
Showing all that this Scot had no class.
Tim James:
Herschel Walker, a flashy young man
(Years ago), has been part of a plan
For a GOP gain.
It’s become very plain
He’s now only a flash in the pan.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When I catch a rude stare from some lout,
Then I ponder, “What’s that all about?”
I prefer a good leer.
It may leave me in fear,
But at least it won’t leave me in doubt.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Competition Limerick, Dave Johnson, Edmund Conti, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Poetry & Prompts, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest, Writing Contests, Writing Prompts
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (503)
Saturday, May 28th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick. (It’s a Triple-Duty Limerick: WIRE-Rhyming, WATER-Themed, and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick, which uses each of the five designated Random Words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, and THINK.)
I shoe horses all day with my daughter,
An arrogant, miscreant plotter.
“Dad, it’s down to the wire—
I’m ready—retire!”
I think she has led me to water.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the WATER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Terry Marter:
Dodging storms at the ‘Trots’ with her daughter,
Her need for a loo really caught’er.
So she raced her own tush
Past the crowd, to a bush…
But her tush only passed wind and water.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “RANDOM WORD GENERATOR” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, THINK.
That old woman who lived in a shoe
Had a miscreant son with her who
Was a heel (damn his sole)
And who couldn’t control
His sharp tongue. With my shoe puns I’m through.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, James Graff, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Steve Dufour, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz,
Bob Turvey, Konrad Schwoerke, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dane Paulsen,
David Friedman, Tony Holmes, Doug Harris, and Gail White. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder: (Water-Themed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)
When I wade into streams just to potter,
And then carelessly trample an otter,
What’s my arrogant wish?
It’s to not feel the squish.
So I always wear shoes under water.
Linda A. C. Fuller: (Wire-Rhymed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)
An arrogant miscreant thought
He could sell drugs and never get caught.
But a treacherous buyer
Was wearing a wire;
Now prison’s the reprobate’s lot.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WIRE”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The soprano just cancelled, it’s dire:
She’s ill and can’t sing with our choir.
We’ll use Tenor Jim Rawls
And hook-up his balls,
Using two-forty Volts and some wire.
James Graff:
If there’s one thing I really admire,
It’s a man who can walk the high wire.
But I’ll watch from below
As he puts on his show…
And pray that he won’t take a flyer.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Seeing birds perched on high in a throng,
Makes me question how things went so wrong:
One bird-brained desire
To sit on a wire,
And the rest of them all strung along?
Brian Allgar:
The Donald was strumming a wire
On a banjo; his playing was dire.
“Hey, I know that you think
As a player I stink,
But I’m great when I’m playing the lyre.”
Tim James:
Said the king to his court: “It’s been said
My queen’s chastity belt has been shed
’Cause my handsome young squire
Picked the lock with a wire.
Now he can’t give no head with no head.”
Steve Dufour:
This world is connected by wire.
Information spreads much like a fire.
But some of it’s fake,
So care we must take;
We mustn’t enable a liar.
Mark Totterdell:
A wire-walker, starting to tire,
Took a tumble while walking the wire,
Which he landed astride
With a leg on each side.
Now soprano’s his part in the choir.
Fred Bortz:
The news on the right-winger’s wire
Turned Jacob to climate denier.
I told him to “can it”
Lest we send our planet
From frying pan into the fire.
Alas, he reacts like a sucker
To all that he’s hearing from Tucker.
Jake’s biggest mistake:
“Climate science is fake!”
I lament for that poor m—f—er.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WATER-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Bob Turvey:
On my bottle it says “It’s still water.”
This annoys me much more that it oughta.
I stare at the label
And think, “Is it able
To change into something like porter?”
Tim James:
There’s this marvelous liquid I’ve found;
It’s called water. Its uses abound!
It cleans me and my clothes,
And it works, I suppose,
As a drink if there’s no booze around.
Konrad Schwoerke:
The new hot tub holds two million liters,
And is warmed by some nuclear heaters,
Plus the water is wetter—
Yes, ev’rything’s better
At the home for old liars and cheaters.
Terry Marter:
I was filming bull sharks (and some blues),
Saw Trump fall overboard from his cruise.
Should’ve phoned 911,
But my ego said “Son, –
Just keep filming, – and then call the news.”
Dane Paulsen:
My golf drive requires a spotter;
My ball always flies towards the water.
I try not to fret,
But my golf shoes get wet.
And the wetter I get, well – the hotter.
Lisi Nortman:
We were finally on the right track.
Couldn’t wait to see dear uncle Jack.
Then I screamed, “Bill, look there!
Something says, “Please Beware!
If this sign’s under water, turn back!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR” LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder says:
My pup, Pavlov, hates bones, eschews stews;
He’s conditioned, instead, to eat shoes.
I will cry, “Not the Prada!”
He’ll hear, “Yada yada,”
Thinking, “Where are those new Jimmy Chews?”
David Friedman:
I think you’ll recall, if you choose,
Imelda with all of her shoes
(And her miscreant spouse,
The arrogant louse.)
She’s retired; her son’s now the news.
Tony Holmes:
“I was once in your shoes,” said McGuire.
“Just an arrogant ‘pistol for hire.’
Getting shot made me think,
So, I saw me a shrink,
Who said, ‘Miscreants, too, can retire.’”
Konrad Schwoerke:
If shoes had the power to talk,
I might ask what they thought of a walk.
“Well, we’re likely to groan
Till you lose a few stone…
This is YOUR postulation—don’t gawk!”
Doug Harris:
The arrogant miscreant’s shoes
Were covered in vomit and booze.
We wish he’d retire
And think to aspire
To a long interplanet’ry cruise.
Gail White:
When I noticed a mouse in my bed,
“Retire, you miscreant!” I said,
So it hid in my shoes
Where at present I choose
To support it with small bits of bread.
Mark Totterdell:
He’s an arrogant, miscreant liar,
And we think that his pants are on fire,
He’s so hard to excuse,
From his hair to his shoes.
How we wish our PM would retire!
Terry Marter:
The miscreant’s choice to retire
Was confirmed when he plundered the shire:
Dragged his sack o’er a fence;
Snagged his ‘other’ sac; hence,
His voice is now two octaves higher.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dane Paulsen, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Gail White, James Graff, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Dufour, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, May 14th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny three-verse limerick:
A (young) woman who lived in a shoe
Knew perfectly well what to do:
To fulfill her kids’ needs,
She’d resort to misdeeds —
Petty theft; yes, and shoplifting, too.
To ensure that she wouldn’t get caught,
She dissembled far more than she ought;
But she grew so distressed
That, at last, she confessed
To the Chief of Police — who’d have thought?
The old Chief looked her over and said,
“You’re both lovely and clever. Let’s wed!
I’ll forgive your… invention.”
She voiced no dissension…
Now she gets his pension. (He’s dead.)
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special INVENTIONS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The invention of Alex Graham Bell
Has devolved so that some users dwell
In its internet pit
Of lies, rancor, and shit.
It is called the Ninth Circle of Cell.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Konrad Schwoerke, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Jean McEwen, Randolph Wagner, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Joe Williams. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEEDS or MISDEEDS”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A tennis pro known for misdeeds,
With an ego that fame often breeds,
Disrespected his sport —
Sowed wild oats on the court!
He’s the worst of some really bad seeds.
Linda A. C. Fuller:
The widow reclined in her weeds,
While savoring former misdeeds:
Her husband she’d killed,
His kidneys she’d grilled,
And then served up with sesame seeds.
Konrad Schwoerke:
I look through the lens of my time
And see much we might now call a crime.
Were they really misdeeds
Or just differing creeds?
I don’t know, but I got it to rhyme.
Mark Totterdell:
He’s the shittiest shit in creation,
Quite the worst of a bad generation,
With a nature that leads
To appalling misdeeds,
So he ended up leading the nation.
Lisi Nortman:
A judge performs critical deeds
According to ethical creeds.
He’s the one who sets bail.
He can send you to jail.
And he asks lots of “how do you pleads?”
Jean McEwen:
I have found that committing misdeeds,
When done artfully, often succeeds.
Those who mindlessly swallow
Rules other folks follow
Just forfeit, alas, their own needs.
Randy Wagner:
The conjugal date that Will made
For last night had been badly misplayed.
As the darkness recedes,
He discovers misdeeds
Were performed on the maid he’d mislaid.
Brian Allgar:
“We’re imposing a no shilly-shally ban,”
Says America’s own home-grown Taliban.
On this vilest of deeds,
The signature reads
“S. Alito,” as monstrous as Caliban.
Tim James:
A real estate fraudster named Leeds
Said, “The greed of my marks suits my needs.
I sold five diff’rent ducks
Tampa swampland, the schmucks!”
Here endeth this tale of fowl deeds.
Tony Holmes:
“On the whole, I am really quite nice.
And am almost a stranger to vice.
Not for me the misdeeds
That true naughtiness breeds.
Just a bit, now and then, to add spice.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INVENTIONS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
The inventor of Autocorrect
Has died; he deserves our respect,
Cuz he taught us to spell
And he did it so well:
The funnel’s at ate. I have chekked.
Sharon Neeman:
My invention, I’m told, is quite keen:
It bumps pols who are thuggish and mean.
But it knows how to spare
Those with hearts, who do care —
It’s a “Vote Democratic!” machine.
Fred Bortz:
The outcome was nearly the worst.
The inventor believed he was cursed.
All his high hopes were smashed
When his vehicle crashed.
He should have invented brakes first.
Randy Wagner:
Said Bach to young Madam Beauvais,
“Allow me to play, if I may,
A sweet two-part invention.”
(He chose not to mention
‘Twould be contrapuntal foreplay.)
Tim James:
Said a man to be judged by St. Pete:
“Let me pass through these gates, I entreat.
I belong here, it’s clear;
I invented light beer!”
He got sent to The Bad Place, tout de suite.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
She said, “Edison, turn on a light.”
She asked Orville, “You fancy a flight?”
It’s that very same Muse
Some inventors abuse,
Who told Franklin to “Go fly a kite.”
Joe Williams:
I wonder what kind of inventor
Was first to invent a placenta,
And which did decide
It is best when it’s fried,
With a side of delicious polenta.
Konrad Schwoerke:
It was me who invented sham pain.
As an addict, I’d always complain
To the docs in the hope
They’d prescribe me some dope.
I’m just kidding, my drug was cocaine.
Lisi Nortman:
The greatest invention’s a chip,
So I pack some for ev-er-y trip.
The wheel was okay
In many a way.
But it doesn’t pair well with a dip.
Konrad Schwoerke:
The wheel is a wondrous invention,
But the barrel’s my choice for ascension.
There’s its round, bulbous shape,
And a bottom to scrape,
Plus it’s fun due to monkey retention.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Joe Williams, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, April 16th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
After viewing the faces of those
God created, authorities chose,
Not the Cyclops, but Man,
To reflect the Grand Plan.
And the eyes did outnumber the nose.
Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Special SECURITY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
One evening a thief tried his best
To break through the lock on my chest.
I yelled, “you’ll get shot!”
And aimed the red dot,
But then let my cats do the rest.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Randolph Wagner, Tony Holmes, Gennadiy Gurariy, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, Fred Bortz, David Friedman, Sharon Neeman, and Lisi Nortman Ardissone. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOSE or KNOWS or NOES” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SECURITY LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
Putting lips near my ear with such surety,
She mind-read my thoughts of impurity:
“Forget all your prose;
I got nothin’ but Noes,
So zip it, or I’ll call Security.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOSE or KNOWS or NOES”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Randolph Wagner:
A harlot removed all her clothes
And remarked, “Fella, here’s how it goes:
Let my breasts, butt, and thighs
Be a feast for your eyes,
But one touch and you’ll pay through the nose.”
Tony Holmes:
“Yes, your conk is patrician. It shows
You have breeding: it’s more than a nose.
From your soles to your head,
You’re a true thoroughbred.
And another sure sign is six toes.”
Gennadiy Gurariy:
The body’s a palace of woes:
Some think that the pit of the toes
Is the messiest spot,
But I think it’s snot
And must, in all truth, pick the nose.
Doug Harris:
Pinocchio’s (honestly) grows,
And Rudolph’s consistently glows.
While Jimmy Durante
In width upped the ante,
Cyrano de Bergerac knows.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve a theory I wish to propose,
As did Stein with “a rose is a rose”:
A snout and a sniffer
And whiffer may differ,
But a nose is a nose is a nose.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Folks like Trump are America’s foes.
These damned know-nothings cause us great woes,
With their vicious opinions
And vacuous minions.
I’d rather be led by the “knows.”
Tim James:
My limerick muse comes and goes.
How to keep her around, no one knows.
When she goes on the lam,
I can’t rhyme worth a damn.
I should think about sticking to prose.
Fred Bortz, for his two-verse “If Larry David wrote a certain 1960s situation comedy”:
Samantha would wiggle her nose
Whenever she needed new clothes.
But most times that she twitched
On the sitcom Bewitched,
New troubles for Darrin arose.
She was taught by her mother, Endora,
Who learned from her mother before her
How to raise Holy Hell
By casting a spell
With the Yiddish phrase, “Oy! Keinehora!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SECURITY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
Though I type at a reas’nable pace,
And slow-ly-put password in place,
The computer says “No.”
But I’m RIGHT! (I checked “Show.”)
But apparently, that’s not the CASE!
David Friedman:
The locks that Lynn keeps all about
Would keep her secure, there’s no doubt.
“They don’t,” giggles Lynn,
“Stop men getting in;
I use them so men can’t get out!”
Sharon Neeman:
My mother was terribly strict,
Locked me in when I dared contradict –
Till a crook down the block
Gave poor Mom such a shock,
When he proved that my “lock” could be picked.
Lisi Nortman:
In our neighborhood, there have been four
Sneaky break-ins, and ev’ryone’s sore.
But calm we remain,
Cuz our kids and Great Dane
Throw Legos all over the floor.
Fred Bortz:
He invested his savings in stock,
And now he is deeply in hock.
Our language is funny
When speaking of money.
Securities? What a huge crock!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A man who owned gold and would hide it
(always fearful that others had spied it),
Dug a hole six feet deep,
Where his treasure would keep.
In the end he was buried beside it.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: David Friedman, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Gennadiy Gurariy, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 2nd, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
‘Time heals every wound?’ That’s unreal!
Quite the opposite’s more how I feel.
As I limp down life’s highways
And hobble down byways,
It’s more like ‘time wounds every heel.’
Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG, who wins the Special FLIGHT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A strange silhouette in the sky;
A rustling of wings from on high.
Not angels divine,
But migrating swine –
Those pigs finally learned how to fly!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bruce Meyer, Linda Fuller, Gennadiy Gurariy, Terry Marter, Tim James, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, David Friedman, Tony Holmes, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEEL or HEAL”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Horrid Hank’s a contemptible heel,
Unlike Shane, who’s a hapless Shlemiel.
So when Hank, as a prank,
On a lark, robs a bank,
He gets Shane to take blame for the steal.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Short commands to her “pit” keep things real,
When that bell on her porch starts to peal.
For the cops, she says, “Sit” —
For the repo man, “Shit!”
When her ex comes around she yells, “Heel!”
Bruce Meyer:
I wait for my Limerick muse,
And suspect he is hitting the booze.
I do think that he’ll
Ignore my appeal,
So I’ll enter, expecting to lose.
Linda A. C. Fuller:
Jill’s husband had lost his appeal
When he started to gamble and steal.
Jack, barely five seven;
Jill, five foot eleven
Began to look down at the heel.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
My dog didn’t see the appeal
Of trying to learn how to heel.
But soon he got over
His fears and now Rover
Shows off his stilettos with zeal.
Terry Marter:
If you’ve one leg, and hunt, danger’s real.
Here’s a safety idea with appeal:
To avoid your own end
Take a very slow friend
For when wild bears are hot on your heel.
Tim James:
He’s a “hanging judge,” many folks feel,
And a bit of a punitive heel.
He’ll convict in a blink
And you’ll land in the clink.
It’s summed up in his name: Noah Peale.
Byron Miller:
Though that boy toy at Troy had appeal,
Knocking him to his knees? No big deal.
He was easy to rankle
Once pierced through the ankle,
Thus bringing Achilles to heel.
Tim James:
His efforts to bed fierce Lucille
Came to naught ’cause he’d been too genteel.
So he tried “Let’s drop trou
And get busy right now!”
It took him a long time to heal.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My young doc spouted med terms with zeal;
He used words like contuse and congeal.
I said, “Icky” and “Ew”
(Only jargon I knew),
Till he finally said, “It’ll heal.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FLIGHT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
“Look up there, in the sky! Oh my word!
It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” he averred.
“No, wait! By its shape
And the long, flowing cape,
It’s Super— oh gross. It’s a bird.”
Fred Bortz:
There was an inventor named Knight
Who studied the science of flight.
He thought he’d be first,
But his efforts were cursed.
His designs never turned out quite Wright.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve a friend who likes putting on airs.
He exaggerates, too; no one cares.
When he called me last night
With “I’m booking a flight!”
I was sure he was walking up stairs.
Jean McEwen:
The next time you fly on a plane,
Prepare – you may have to restrain
Some rude jerk in a rage
Who belongs in a cage.
(And maybe, next time, take the train.)
Lisi Nortman:
“Hey John, give me one glass of rye.
In fact, I’ll have three. Wond’ring why?
I’m taking a plane,
Won’t be feeling no pain.
I’ll be flying the same time I fly.”
David Friedman:
On a flight to the south, I once sighted
A bird in a seat quite delighted.
He said, “I could fly
With my own wings, but I
Prefer the rewards from United.”
Tony Holmes:
In society, farting is rude,
As is frolicking, dressed in the nude.
Is society right
To inhibit the flight
Of your fancy, and label you crude?
Tim James, for his limerick summary of the movie Psycho:
A woman stole cash and took flight;
Then she got a motel room that night.
In the bath she got iced
(That’s to say, sliced and diced)
By a fellow whose head wasn’t right.
Rudy Landesman:
A glutton for gluten he’d been;
The way he ate cake was a sin.
Lots of pasta and bread,
And now he is dead.
A small flight of beer did him in.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
Shrieked the copilot, “Left! Hurry! Swing it!
There’s a building and we’re gonna ding it!
Don’t you know how to fly!?”
Quipped the pilot, “I’ll try,
But don’t worry, I know how to wing it.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bruce Meyer, Byron Miller, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Gennadiy Gurariy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, March 5th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
What a beautiful voice, but egad!
She’s so dull that it makes me feel sad.
When she endlessly drones
In those sweet dulcet tones
It’s like “Dancing Queen” played on a Strad.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special REJECTION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
When big Jack said “Let’s Wed” I said “Yup.”
We agreed to forego the prenup.
I should’ve knocked back
Those advances from Jack
But I didn’t, and now I’m knocked up.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DRONES”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Linda A. C. Fuller:
A speaker who mumbles and drones
Will be greeted with hisses and moans
From an audience mainly
Comprised of ungainly
Glass housers who shouldn’t throw stones.
Terry Marter:
The night-show of bright swarming drones
Was wiped out by a storm, amid groans.
Parents cursed ‘Fuck you God’
On their wet homeward plod
While their kids looked up ‘Fuck’ on their phones.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Some people still say they don’t care
About noises that buzz in the air
From those ear-splitting drones
Which rattle my bones.
It’s more peaceful to sleep at O’Hare.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Which is worse — a new suitor who drones
On and on about stuff that he owns,
Or an old one who drums
With his thumbs while he hums
Strange renditions of hits by The Stones?
Tim James:
Tom the deviant currently owns
High-def vid cams that fly on his drones.
He was peeping at Dawn
Till her brother caught on.
Tom’s now sporting a few broken bones.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve heard buzz that some honey bee drones
Can have trysts (even though they lack bones.)
Should a queen bee fly by,
They will take to the sky
In pursuit of erogenous zones.
Mark Totterdell:
If the sounds of loud squeals, honks and groans
And unmusical wavering drones
Aren’t appealing to you,
Then the best thing to do
Is to not buy your children trombones.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (REJECTION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Rejected from Harvard? But why?
I’m such an intelligent guy!
I’ve read poems and prose,
Like “The Sun Also Rose”
And my fav’rite was “Pitcher On Rye.”
Fred Bortz:
Dear Author, Your work I decline,
Though I love every nuance and line.
It’s sexy and funny,
And we pay good money,
But not for our readers, age nine.
Rudy Landesman:
I thought we were great, when in bed.
I loved her and wanted to wed.
Now I can’t understand;
When I asked for her hand,
She gave me the finger instead.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
No one laughed at my yarns at my school.
They rejected my puns, as a rule.
So to cover my hurt
I embroidered a shirt
With big letters that read, “This Is Crewel!”
Bob Turvey:
Said his doc to a fellow called Hewish,
“Your heart’s effed – and that’s why you’re bluish.
But this pig heart is new;
I can give it to you.”
“I’ll reject it,” said Hewish. “I’m Jewish.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A young student done-in by pre med,
Thought he’d ace aeronautics instead.
He said, “I’ll make my bones
By mastering drones!”
But the subject was over his head.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, January 8th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said Stravinsky, “My schedule is tight;
My publishers called me last night
To commission a song
About righting a wrong,
But I’m too busy writing a Rite.”
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special SHOTS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Novak Djokovic, agile and tall,
Plays great shots with a racket and ball,
But there’s one kind of shot
That he still hasn’t got,
Because Novak’s had no vax at all.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Fred Bortz, Sharon Neeman, David Hodges, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RIGHT or WRITE or RITE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHOTS-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Elmer Fudd sang in Shanghai one night —
Karaoked (his last civil right.)
Took one shot at a song
With “If wuvving you’s wong,
Then (it’s twue) I don’t want to be wight.”
Sue Dulley:
We’ve had our three shots; it’s all right
To meet now and then for a bite.
And if anyone asks,
Say we all wore our masks
While devouring our dinner tonight.
Tony Holmes:
If you’ve might on your side, you are right,
And you can, with impunity, smite.
You are calling the shots.
You can crush the have-nots,
But you dare not sleep tight every night
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RIGHT or WRITE or RITE”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Bob Turvey:
If you suffer from cramps in the night
A banana will soon put you right.
“I’ve tried it,” said Jane,
Many times – but in vain.”
Said her friend, “If you eat it, it might.”
Jean McEwen:
It had seemed to be love at first sight;
I had finally found Mr. Right!!
Then those fresh bloody stains
And those human remains
In his trunk gave me pause; I took flight.
Lisi Nortman:
My foot fell asleep on the flight,
Yet the rest of my body felt right.
Then at the hotel,
I slept very well,
But my foot stayed awake through the night.
Terry Marter:
Half asleep; half awake, half the night:
Half a Lim’rick that STILL don’t look right.
Time to rise for a brew, –
Slice of toast, perhaps two.
Add a bowl of “Just Right?” I just might!
Dave Johnson:
Jen’s husband was trying to write
A poem he hoped would ignite
Her passionate side.
But as hard as he tried,
His assonance failed to excite.
Tim James:
A randy young gal named Costello
Hooked up with a like-minded fellow.
He lied that he’d write
When he left her that night.
When it comes to commitment, he’s yellow.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
An obstructionist ended the night,
When he got the last word in a fight.
“I’m agreeing,” said he,
To say we disagree.
But that won’t make me any less right.”
Roger Haugen:
A new era was born at the site
Of mankind’s first motorized flight;
Ahead of all others,
These two small-town brothers
Showed the world what it meant to be (W)right.
Kirk Miller:
At the funeral, minister Dwight
Was real nervous and feeling uptight.
’Twas the first one where he
Had to speak, so you see
He worked hard so he’d write the right rite.
Steve Benko:
When on pot, you’re as high as a kite;
It isn’t the best time to write.
You think you’re inspired,
But Mad says, “You’re fired!
Your work on my page is a blight!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
After pounding nine shots of sloe gin
I took note of her come-hither grin.
So we went to her place.
But oh God, the disgrace!
I was wholly unable to sin.
Brian Allgar:
The photographer’s English was lean;
The police soon arrived on the scene.
His mistake was to state
To the guard on the gate
“I have come to take shots at your Queen.”
Fred Bortz:
It’s too bad that the guy had to die
From drinking too much of that rye.
Alas, what a shame,
But the rules of the game
Were a shot for each Trumpian lie.
Sharon Neeman:
There’s a faction that’s riddled with twits
Who have far more polemic than wits:
“Don’t get jabbed!” they all cry
As folks sicken and die —
So they’re both anti-shots and pro shits.
David Hodges:
In German, “mein Schatz” means “my treasure” –
A sweetheart beyond any measure.
An American miss
May take umbrage at this;
Being called “Shots” will bring her no pleasure!
Lisi Nortman:
The last time I went to my shrink,
He said, “Gertrude, you need to rethink!
“You MUST get that shot!”
But then I did not,
When I found out it wasn’t a drink.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Hodges, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (486)
Saturday, December 25th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I have frown lines too old to erase
From that place where they’re taking up space.
If I cut down on strife,
And say “no” to the knife,
I’ll save money. (Too late to save face).
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special FISH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A tuna whose name was Raúl
Wouldn’t run with a crowd, as a rule.
Off alone on a lark,
He fell prey to a shark.
Here’s the lesson: don’t drop out of school.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Mark Totterdell, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, James Mac Hale, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Steve Benko, Tony Holmes, Fred Bortz, Lorraine Padden, Rudy Landesman, David Friedman, Roger Haugen, and Gennadiy Gurariy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SPACE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FISH-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
The fresh Plaice, placed on ice in a crate
Were still jumping and hard to placate.
I raced to that space,-
Grabbed a Plaice (and a Dace)
And an ace Hollandaise for my plate.
Sharon Neeman:
Said the boss to the fish-seller, “Todd,
Your damn cat just scarfed up all the cod,
Herring, whiting and plaice
That we had in this space!
Take her home or I’ll deck you, by God!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPACE”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Mark Totterdell:
Although there were those who would knock it,
And a few who would openly mock it,
Jeff was shot into space
With a smile on his face
In his massive great cock of a rocket.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
As a student, Josh seemed out of place.
You could tell by the look on his face.
But he’d read any comic
with themes astronomic.
He’s in college now, taking up space.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
An MRI tube’s a cool place.
You can ask for some piano with bass.
But don’t start to groove
Cuz they won’t let you move,
And it clearly has limited space.
Terry Marter:
Drunk one night, he had found a warm space
For a nap (in a chook breeding place).
Then up came the sun
And in more ways than one
He’d awoken with egg on his face.
James Mac Hale:
Blitzen’s teaching the reindeer to brace
When they’re landing in limited space:
“To alight on the roof
You must dig in your hoof,
Or expect Rudolf’s butt in your face!”
Dave Johnson:
When zillionaires blast into space,
One question – so why the big chase?
Does leaving this earth
Help them showcase their worth
To hustle some alien race?
Terry Marter:
A Big Bang! A Black Hole, and much Hissing
(Understand it’s not Einstein I’m dissing),
But you cannot see space
(Though it’s right in your face),
So how can you tell if it’s missing?
James Mac Hale:
I’m named Mars, I’m soliciting Venus.
When gravity pulls on my penis
I say “Let us embrace
In our orbital space
And have asteroids flying between us.”
Tim James:
As we humans move out into space,
We may find it’s a wonderful place:
Ev’ry world full of life,
Free of hatred and strife.
(We’ll set phasers on kill, just in case.)
Steve Benko:
Once John Glenn went around us in space,
JFK said, “With Russia let’s race.
Is the moon made of cheese?
Let’s find out. And now please,
Miss Monroe, come and sit on my face.”
Tony Holmes:
Modern misses defending their space
Should give thanks to the makers of Mace.
Nothing says, “I said no
And I meant it. Please go!”
Like a pepper-spray jet in the face.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FISH-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
Don’t you think it’s the slightest bit odd
That E-pisca-pals worship a god
That resembles some fish
And tastes so delish?
Yes it’s true. I am swearing to Cod!
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“Our Special’s a wonderful dish.
It will answer your fine-dining wish.
The chef’s gone all out
To spruce up the trout,
So you won’t know you’re eating a fish.”
Lorraine Padden:
“A dogfish is really a shark,”
He tells me with no lack of snark.
“If you think it’ll fetch,
You’ll most likely kvetch
’Cuz its bite is much worse than its bark.”
Rudy Landesman:
You accuse me of being quite oafish,
Because I refuse to eat blowfish.
From all that I hear
Some are poisonous, dear.
For my dish, I would wish to have no fish.
David Friedman:
Remember the fish they called Wanda?
Starring Curtis and Kline (but not Fonda).
In the end, Kevin Kline
On Wanda would dine,
A truly unfortunate shanda.
Mark Totterdell:
When chilling with Steve, my pet stickleback,
I’d tickle his fins, he would tickle back,
Then he’d wiggle each spine,
Of which he had nine,
To the post-grungey music of Nickelback.
Roger Haugen:
It’s always my number-one wish
When fishing, to catch a big fish;
I’m hooked in the weeds,
While the osprey succeeds
In grabbing a fresh tasty dish.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When my Rev gave me cod in a dish,
He said, “Eat it all now, if you wish.”
Then he showed me some gear —
Rods and reels (and a spear!)
And I prayed, “Please don’t teach me to fish!”
Tim James:
Two piranhas, named Kevin and Kate,
Made their way down a stream, where they ate.
Then they had a big row.
Kate said, “Don’t have a cow!”
Kevin grinned as he answered, “Too late!”
David Friedman:
There once was an old fish named Sid
Who loved the aquarium lid.
When he was asked why,
“I’ve just,” he would sigh
“Loved tank tops since I was a kid.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Rod takes fish from my dish when we dine,
But he pays for both meals, so it’s fine.
I put up with this blunder,
But doesn’t he wonder
Why I never say, “Your plaice or mine?”
Gennadiy Gurariy:
There once was a cat with a wish-
To learn how to swim with the fish.
He fervidly swore
It was just to explore
While gently caressing his dish.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Gennadiy Gurariy, James Mac Hale, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Lorraine Padden, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Advice Humor & Poems, Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (485)
Saturday, August 21st, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A moll stole a stole; it’s a wrap,
Which she sold to a girl with a chap.
But the chap was a mole,
And the wrap the moll stole
Was set by the mole as a trap.
Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special MOOD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“When I’m angry I know what to do,”
Said Donald, “to stop feeling blue.
I gather some friends
And some porn stars (all 10’s),
And together we stage a nice coup.”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s rap,
That mindless, unmusical pap.
The name would be better
With one extra letter;
It should be referred to as ‘crap.’
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sondra Landin, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WRAP/RAP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO MOOD-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sondra Landin:
Will she be in the mood for a wrap,
At that place with the good brew on tap?
No, she’ll spout with a sneer,
“I never touch beer,
And I don’t eat that crap – not a scrap!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WRAP/RAP”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
With a beat and a stomp and a clap,
“We Will Rock You” went wild in a snap.
Although what’s it all mean,
If God can’t save the Queen,
Who created Bohemian Rhap?
Bob Turvey:
When a well-dressed and handsome young chap,
On the privy door gave a sharp rap,
It opened, and Jane
Said, “God, you again.
Can’t a girl have some peace for a nap?”
Dave Johnson:
Trump’s MAGA brigade has a chap
Who’s busy producing a cap.
It’s silver, not red,
That’s adorning each head…
With Reynolds providing the Wrap.
Lisi Nortman:
“I am too old to get into rap.
I don’t care, cause that hip-hop is crap.
Used to party and drink.
At the girls, I would wink.
But right now “Happy Hour’s” a nap.”
Tim James:
She was wearing a nice dress and wrap
When her man went and set off a scrap:
“An ensemble like that
Makes your butt look less fat!”
Now he’s learned to shut firmly his yap.
Steve Benko:
I’m Notorious Steve, here’s my rap:
I love strippers who dance in my lap.
I entice ’em with verse,
And my poems are terse;
Just five lines, then I grab, and they slap.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Poe would clap o’er his ears a wool cap,
When his nerd of a bird spoiled his nap.
“In my haven, old raven,
You crave misbehavin’,
But jeez,” he cried, “PLEASE! No more rap!”
Terry Marter:
A detective with questions to ask,
Said “Do NOT interfere with my task.
You’ve been caught, cut the crap.
You’ll be taking the rap
For robbing a bank with no mask.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MOOD-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Doug Harris:
“Hey my darling, are you in the mood?
Testosterone fully imbued?”
“Yes I am!,” my reply…
“How I love D-I-Y,
The best way for a man to get screwed!”
Tim James:
There once was a lawyer named Rudy
Whose cash flow was making him moody.
“Lord Trump, it’s no joke;
Pay my fees or I’m broke!”
The reply: “Stick those bills up your booty!”
Terry Marter:
Now sometimes, when I’m in the mood
I do life-drawing class (I’m no prude).
But the model looks stressed
Fully dressed, – unimpressed
That I choose to paint HIM while I’m nude.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Though my mood ring is now an antique,
I still wear it (my friends say it’s chic.)
That the color each day
Is primarily gray,
Simply means I’m approaching my pique.
Fred Bortz:
The farmer deserves to be booed.
His dairy production is crude.
His yogurt tastes funky.
His milk pours out chunky.
And his cattle sound off their bad mooed.
Terry Marter:
She had set up the room for her Tim;
Moody music, – romantic’ly dim.
Then got stoned in the nude,
Woke up with some dude
Who said “Tim couldn’t make it , – I’m Jim.”
Tony Holmes:
I’ve been tossed on the scrapheap of life.
Lost it all – favour, fortune, and wife.
But what brightens my mood,
Should depression intrude,
Is the thought that misfortune is rife.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When egged on to be snotty or mean,
A good mood helps me keep my nose clean.
Left with egg on my face,
Is a tacky disgrace,
But less messy than venting my spleen.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (476)
Saturday, January 2nd, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I just giggle at gaggles of geese,
And find slithers of snakes mere caprice;
But if you produce moose
Too profuse — running loose —
I will shriek, “Help! Police! We’ve got meese!”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ART-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A photographer said, “While it’s true
I take pictures of folks as they screw,
It’s a form of pure art.
It shows love, warmth, and heart.”
Yeah, my lim’ricks are “poetry,” too.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Paul Haebig, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Dave Johnson, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ART LIMERICKS)
Tony Holmes:
When the world closes in, I vamoose
And take refuge. Surrounded by spruce,
I reflect on my art
Till it’s time to depart,
As I’m only a part-time recluse.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
After tests, Donald’s doctors deduce
There’s a brain, but it isn’t much use.
From the scan, they surmise
It’s the color and size
Of a teaspoon of chocolate mousse.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
For those lovers of custard out there,
Here’s a dieting tip I must share:
If you fear too much mousse
May enlarge your caboose,
Eat just half. Put the rest in your hair.
Tim James:
Her hair was long, lovely, and loose;
Then she teased it and slicked it with mousse.
The new ’do, sad to say,
Drove her boyfriend away.
Perhaps ’twas the color: chartreuse.
Sue Dulley:
I have stopped using hairspray and mousse.
They never were very much use.
My hair is unruly,
But really and truly
Who cares, since I’m now a recluse.
Paul Haebig:
This kitchen! There’s nothing of use!
I wanted to make choc’late mousse.
And I really was keen
To cook some tagine,
But there’s only enough to make cous.
Byron Miller:
“Need a bull who fits tightly, not loose,”
Sighs a cow in the mood for a goose.
Thinking kosher – no hoods,
She traverses the woods
On her search for a certain-sized moose.
Fred Bortz:
He called her “My precious papoose.”
She laughed and replied, “Silly goose.”
But romance went awry.
When they snuggled, the guy
Got so hot that he smelled like a moose.
Roger Haugen:
He tried and he tried, but no use —
“I can’t finish this great Christmas goose.”
But a little dessert
He thought wouldn’t hurt,
As he plowed through his third choc’late mousse.
Brian Allgar:
They’d gone hunting, but due to disuse,
Eric’s grip on the trigger was loose,
And he shot brother Don,
Who’s now mounted upon
A gold plaque that was meant for a moose.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ART LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Andy Warhol, the Campbell Soup man,
Produced pop-art peeved pundits would pan:
“It won’t pass!” “It’s absurd!”
“He’s so crass!” They concurred.
Still, he wouldn’t stop painting his can.
Fred Bortz:
A critic who hates bold abstraction
Expresses his dissatisfaction:
“You’d have to be bollocks
To say Jackson Pollocks
Display a deliberate action.”
Kirk Miller:
When the art teacher did a critique
Of my work, my art future looked bleak.
And I listened with dread
When the art teacher said
To brush up on my painting technique.
Dave Johnson:
Bill’s stint – posing naked for art
Got off to a glorious start
When he debuted his ass
At the newly-filled class
By launching a tear-gassing fart.
Terry Marter, for his “Performance Art”
A performer we went out to see,
Hurled a boom’rang past row 43.
He said “Will it come back?”
A big guy at the back
Yelled “It Will if it Fuckin’ hits ME!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Paul Haebig, Roger Haugen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (460)
Saturday, December 19th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Those in line surreptitiously groan,
“He’s been in there all day with his phone.”
But they’d rather implode
Than the King discommode,
So they won’t push him off of the throne.
Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG, who wins the Special MARKET-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My trip to the market was fruitless,
Also vegetable-, stem-, stalk-, and root-less.
They have nothing I need,
But it’s still guaranteed
When I’m done with my shopping I’m loot-less.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, Craig Dykstra, Doug Harris, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Sjaan VandenBroeder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MODE/MOWED/COMMODE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
My dad had a very large load
Of bad jokes, which he loved (and it showed.)
“How’d that brave frontier guy,
Davy Crockett, like pie?”
The right answer, of course: “Alamo’d.”
Tony Holmes:
Mister Keats wrote an ode to an urn,
Which is why I will try, in my turn,
To compose you an ode
To my treasured commode.
I’m no Keats, I am sure you’ll discern.
Terry Marter:
We had an old leaky commode
Where the pipes had begun to corrode.
One day, when Mum flushed,
It all bust, and out gushed
The full contents, – a fine Mother-load.
Craig Dykstra:
On the beach, in her thong, she bestowed
Treats to onlookers – everything showed!
But now back home in Philly
Her short skirts are chilly –
She’s regretting her “Pie à la Mowed.”
Tim James:
She’s in furious spring-cleaning mode;
Her superfluous stuff she’ll unload.
Ancient clothing, CDs,
Old computers, TVs,
And her boyfriend sit out by the road.
Doug Harris:
With fashion-sense I’ve been bestowed.
(A picture should shortly upload.)
My barber’s main style
Is ‘farm rank & file.’
He says it’s all quite à-la-mowed!
Sharon Neeman:
Since I learned my cat knows the word “vet,”
I say “market” to baffle the pet —
But this morning, I erred
And employed the right word,
And we’re both now extremely upset:
Kitty leaped into daredevil mode!
All the way down the counter she strode,
Then flew up to the freezer!
She’s STILL there. Can’t seize her.
I mustn’t forget to use code.
Fred Bortz:
Marie Antoinette wrote an ode
To the people on whose backs she rode.
But she made a mistake
Saying, “Let them eat cake!”
When it should have been pie a la mode.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MARKET LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
An Invisible Hand’s said to be
Guiding markets, as long as they’re free.
Well, I’ve seen it. It mocks
Ev’ry one of my stocks.
Guess which finger it’s raising at me.
Brian Allgar:
“That’s a great deal on eBay,” I mused.
“Thirty toilet rolls – can’t be refused!”
But today, what I got ….
Well, I’d failed to spot
The description “Condition is: USED.”
Sharon Neeman:
I need food! How to get to the market?
By car? I’ll have no place to park it.
By bus? I’m too lazy —
Me? Bike?? Are you crazy???
I guess I’ll stay hungry… oh, fark it.
Terry Marter:
At the auction, my earlier tea
Found my bladder just bursting to pee;
Raised my hand for a pause
To attend to my cause.
Oops – too late – I now own a Dalí.
Bob Turvey:
Said our marketing man, “A sensation!
Our dildoes have thrilled the whole nation.
Why in South Delaware
We’ve the whole market share;
We’ve a hundred percent penetration.”
Lisi Nortman:
I went shopping today on a spree!
For breakfast, I only had tea!
I was starving; went wild,
Like an uncontrolled child.
I’m the proud owner now of aisle three.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Four piggies to market were taken.
(The fifth was too smart to awaken.)
One went all to pieces
And faked enuresis.
The rest had to bring home the bacon.
Tim James:
At the market — it’s more like a zoo —
There are crowds, but the face masks are few.
So much saleable stuff!
But it isn’t enough
’Cause these people still can’t buy a clue.
Tony Holmes:
Gladys fancied a farmer she’d met
At the market. Her only regret
Was that much of his food
Was, in shape, very rude,
And she’d blush like a seasoned coquette.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, November 21st, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
This may not be a subject for jokes,
But I’m one of a whole bunch of folks
Who’d be pleased if a spell
Turned the Leader from Hell
To a frog… and won’t mind if he croaks.
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Special CONFESSION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“As I watched Mrs. Smithers undress,
I confess, I was under duress.
Were it not for the ropes
That now shackled my hopes,
I would leap to her side and transgress.”
Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Hi, I’m Rick; I’m a lim’rickaholic.
Through these fun little verses I frolic,
Neglecting my wife
And all else in my life.
(These poems are so damn diabolic!)
As I lie awake nights, I confesses
I am not counting sheep, only stresses.
Is that line “da da DUM?”
Will the rhyme to me come?
All my lims seem meandering messes.
Is there help somewhere, ’fore I just drop?
I feel like my brain’s gonna pop.
So I must get away,
At least for one day.
(What the heck. Just one more. Then I’ll stop!)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Paul Haebig, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPELL or DISPEL OR MISSPELL” RHYME DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
I call, um, the powers of hell…
I can never remember this spell!
To mix up the potion,
Which way is the motion?
And how many tolls of the bell?
Doug Harris:
Old Merlin ain’t feeling too well:
“This brewing of leeches is hell.
Dismembering toads
Is disturbing me loads.
I think I’ll lie down for a spell …”
Jean McEwen:
One word I routinely misspell
Is the proper noun “Madduhmoyzell.”
Native French speakers hiss
At my substitute (“Miss”)–
But it covers my deficit well.
Fred Bortz:
In wizard school I have done well.
I’m super at casting a spell.
Though she barks like a dog,
And he croaks like a frog,
My Bubbie and Zadie still kvell.
Lisi Nortman:
Some foreigners try hard to spell.
Yet with plurals they’ll never excel.
If “mouses” are mice,
But “houses” ain’t “hice,”
What’s the diff’rence, and how can they tell?
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
They’re too much for mere mortals to handle —
Ceaseless lies and continuous scandal.
So for Joe to dispel
All these demons from Hell,
He’ll be needing a bell, book and candle.
Brian Allgar:
my teechers complaned I cant spell
punktuashun is louzy as well
still evrywun sez
i desserve to be prez
but joe byden has cheeted like hell
Tim James:
Said the raconteur: “Come, set a spell.
Here’s a story I’ve wanted to tell:
This young gal — such a dream! —
Slipped and fell in a stream.
So I spent the day wringing that belle.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I remember my skool days so well,
When lunch was anounced by a bell.
We’d sit in a grupe
Sharing alphabet supe.
And that’s where I lerned how to spel.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONFESSION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
O Father, my life’s not fulfilling.
I obsess about things that are chilling.
I confess that I drink;
I can’t stop, cuz I think
That I just may replace it with killing.
Jean McEwen:
Priests must sublimate all their aggressions
And give up almost all their possessions.
But their job has one perk:
In the booth, they can jerk
Off discreetly to kinky confessions.
Sharon Neeman:
Someone here’s made an absolute mess!
Ate my sandwich, threw up on my dress,
Tracked in mud on my bed…
T.S. Eliot said,
“The cat knows, but will never confess.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Confession has sacred appeal.
You avow what you’ve tried to conceal.
It cleanses the soul.
Once again, you feel whole.
Then continue to lie, cheat and steal.
Brian Allgar:
The Bishop said: “Hear my confession …”
The priest wore a puzzled expression.
“But why come to me?”
Said the Bish, “Well, you see,
It was YOUR wife who caused my transgression.”
Tony Holmes:
Seems confession is good for the soul.
I, for one, have gained much on the whole.
I confessed what I’d seen
To my dad and Darleen,
And they added some cash to my roll.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Richard Campbell, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, June 20th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his funny limerick, inspired by this news item: “NYC Health Dept. urges New Yorkers to consider wearing face masks during sex.”
Social distancing leads me to drink;
Into boredom and torpor I sink.
“Take advantage,” they say,
“Of the new games to play!”
A masked ball, though, just isn’t my kink.
Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Special PUNCTUATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Tell me: Why must there be so much drama
Regarding the use of a comma
Instead of a period?
Yee gads! The myriad
Rules give me scholarly trauma.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Wayne Feder Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Tony Holmes, Ken Gosse, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SINK/SYNC” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
How low can the President sink?
Is there nothing from which he will shrink?
All his statements are lies;
That includes (no surprise!)
Any sentence beginning “I think …”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My machines grow increasingly clever,
Well equipped for most any endeavor.
Some will talk, some just think —
Either way, they’re in sync,
And have no use for me whatsoever.
Tim James:
His boat is now deep in the drink.
How’d it happen? He started to link
The computer on board
With his cell phone. “Good lord!”
He cried out as he watched the boat sync.
Wayne Feder:
Four years will pass by in a wink,
Then Don will have more time to think.
My guess, five to ten,
In a six by eight pen,
With just a commode and a sink.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, on Synchronized Swimming:
I felt so dejected and blue
After reading “The Swimming Review.”
Seems one swimmer “in sync”
Sadly drowned from a drink,
So the other ones had to drown too.
Steve Whitred:
My fridge is beginning to stink
And potatoes grow under the sink.
The grass is as high
As a field full of rye,
But I’ll watch one more ‘Ozark’ I think.
Will T. Laughlin:
The name of the band was N’Sync.
I tried them, to see what I’d think,
But I soon had enough
Of such juvenile stuff…
They should call them N’Toilet. They stink.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PUNCTUATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Punctuation in Spanish is cool.
“Put the marks at the start” is the rule.
“Turn them upside-down” too.
¿Es verdad? Is that true?
¡Por supuesto! Of course! I’m no fool!
Tony Holmes:
You can make a good point with a dash;
Gives your writing that something – panache!
But beware of abuse –
Be judicious in use –
Thus avoiding dismissal as “Brash!”
Lisi Nortman:
The Kanes took a walk in the park.
Mad shrieked, “Wow! that dog sure can bark!”
Hubby said, “It’s a deer.
You are wrong. Can’t you hear?”
(Mad knows she should not question Mark.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Semicolons, I think, are intended
For a thought, if it’s split, to be mended.
But I must say “Amen!”
To the semi paren
(Which keeps discourse like this open-ended
Ken Gosse:
A persnickety writer once wrote
Punctuation should help to connote
And to clarify meaning,
Requiring preening
That’s used to enlighten, not smote.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
John painted a beautiful mural,
Depicting a scene that is rural.
It is called “Country View’s.”
But why’d this fool use
An apostrophe right in a plural?
Tim James:
The apostrophes often abused;
Lot’s of people dont know how its used.
They cant grasp, though they try,
All the rule’s that apply.
There are time’s even I get confused.
Fred Bortz:
I’m writing a note to Obama
Asking how to resist all the drama
That comes from Trump’s tweeting,
Protesting, and bleating.
I’ve begun “Dear Barack” and a comma.
Now I’m wondering, as I get rollin’,
Does “Barack” make it sound like I’m trollin’?
It’s clearly not normal
To be so informal.
I’ll start with “Dear Sir” and a colon.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Wayne Feder, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (446)
Saturday, March 14th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A pilot was taken aback
By a sudden, fierce counterattack.
He approached with great care
On a wing and a prayer —
And got slapped in the face by a WAC.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special TOY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
After both of the kids were asleep,
Buzz Lightyear would quietly creep
Into Mom’s private room
For a quick va-va-voom!
(Did he tire of little Bo Peep?)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Steven Frakt, Thomas Vincent, Delano Britt, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BACK/ABACK” RHYME DIVISION)
Stephen Whitred:
Said the cannibal holding a sack,
“Here’s a hussy to cook us a snack.”
But her lumbar tattoo
Would just ruin the stew,
So I doubt they’ll be having her back.
Suzanne Heymann:
Her ex beat her up, blue and black,
But her brothers would soon pay him back;
On a railroad they’d heap
(And tie up) this dumb creep.
You could say that they kept him on track.
Daisy Hyrkas:
Since I just can’t afford a Big Mac,
I check out the dumpster in back.
I sift through the litter
And fight off a critter,
Before giving up on my snack.
Dave Johnson:
She called him a liberal hack;
“You Trump-loving shill!” he shot back.
They’re at it again;
That’s the dialogue when
The Conways are hitting the sack.
Steven Frakt:
A flea and a fly ventured back
To the flue they had fled through a crack;
They did not much care
For the cold outside air.
Now they’re happy, for those keeping track.
Thomas Vincent:
Donald says that we have to strike back,
Cuz the White House is under attack.
For recession or flu,
It is clear what to do:
We will just blame it all on Barack.
Delano Britt:
There once was a gal with a knack.
For lying all day on her back.
Though I know it is cheesy
To say she is easy,
Even God couldn’t keep her on track.
Fred Bortz:
A bimbo who wanted a “rack”
Found out that her doc was a quack
When she woke from her op
And discovered her top
Had voluptuous breasts in the back.
Tim James:
When he heard that a gal in a shack
Did her job lying flat on her back,
He guffawed like a schmuck.
(She was fixing a truck.)
He’s a jerk with a mind that’s one-track.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
The Pandemic we’re currently braving
Has required new ways of behaving:
Do not greet with a smack,
If you’re breathing, stand back,
And trade foreplay for long-distance waving.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Kirk Miller:
Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.
Jean McEwen:
As much as I hate to be crass,
I have to come clean, doc. Alas,
I got carried away.
With some intimate play.
Now a butt plug has lodged up my ass.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Most toddlers are not at all coy,
And we watch them with pleasure and joy.
They will play with a box
Or with Grandpa’s old socks,
Cause anything serves as a toy.
Ken Gosse:
A birthday’s a time of great joy
For ev’ry good girl and good boy,
But as we get older
And joints get much colder,
We feel like a kid’s broken toy.
Suzanne Heymann:
If you’re poor and your children are boys
When they can’t have some fun, they make noise.
So without acting chilly,
Say, “Play with your willy;
You don’t need some silly old toys.”
Brian Allgar:
I started to strip her with glee,
But I knew she was toying with me
When the object I felt
Was a chastity-belt,
And she claimed she’d forgotten the key.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Delano Britt, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Frakt, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (440)
Sunday, February 16th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The Old Mariner cried, “What the heck?!
With an albatross (dead) I must trek?!
Can’t I just drag a chain
To display your disdain —
Not this smelly old pain in the neck?”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special STRING-INSTRUMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
In the mountains, this small, remote nook
Is delightful, with woods, birds, and brook.
And the air is so clear!
Hold on, what’s that I hear?
A guitar and a banjo? Let’s book!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Tanja Cilia, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Beri Caram, Suzanne Heymann, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Andrew Sprung, Byron Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CHAIN” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
I had gotten my gal a gold chain
For a bracelet. She said with disdain:
“You’re a jerk; that I knew.
It turns out you’re cheap too!”
All this fuss for a tiny green stain!
Daisy Hyrkas:
I wove many a fine daisy chain
And danced without clothes in the rain.
You bet your sweet bippy
I once was a hippie,
But the pendulum swung right again.
Tanja Cilia:
Yarn-writers spin epics in vain.
Each saga, they link in a chain.
But real life zooms so fast,
They’re not destined to last;
In the end, just flash fiction will reign.
Brian Allgar: (Aftermath of Trump’s impeachment)
In a show that surpassed the Third Reich’s,
Traitors’ heads were impaled upon spikes.
They’d been hanged with a chain
On the White House terrain,
Live on Facebook, with millions of ‘likes.’
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
The foreboding chain letter was plain:
“Send this on, or you’ll suffer great pain.”
So I covered my ass,
Sent out letters en masse,
And let somebody else break the chain.
Jean McEwen:
Will we ever find out the full chain
Of events that led up to Ukraine?
(Trump’s corruption, that is…)
I doubt it, ’cause his
Is one grand feat of legerdemain.
Beri Caram:
Who knows who is nutty or sane?
One wonders and thinks, all in vain.
Your “brisk” is my “lazy.”
My “sane” is your “crazy.”
Oh please, won’t you undo my chain?
Suzanne Heymann:
The cop asked the drunk in the rain,
“Where to? It’s past midnight! Explain!”
“To a lecture; can’t wait!”
“Who gives lectures this late?”
“Just my wife, sir, the great ball and chain.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (STRING INSTRUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
I’ve been tutored to toot the kazoo.
My tunes and my rhythms are true.
But I can’t play a thing
On a musical string.
Yes I fret that I don’t have a clue.
Tim James:
Many gals in the orchestra face
An attempt by a guy (a disgrace)
To do sexual things
With the “babes” in the strings —
Though he still hasn’t got to first bass.
Brian Allgar:
She always made love with her fellow
As though she were playing the cello.
When she gripped with her knees,
So hard did she squeeze
That he gave an unmusical bellow.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
On the “practice test,” I have reviewed
All the answers, so I could conclude
That a hat’s to a head
Like a sheet’s to a bed
And the banjo’s like Spam is to food.
Brian Allgar:
I’ve lost count of the horrible things
That McConnell, Trump’s instrument, brings.
But let’s not forget
He’s a marionette –
It is Donald who’s pulling the strings.
Andrew Sprung:
A virgin violist named Vera
Fretted opening night, taut with terruh.
“If I whinny or whine
When my beau’s strings touch mine,
Then the whole world will hear of my erruh!”
Byron Miller:
String ensembles are musically mellow;
I’m a center front row type of fellow.
I’m also a flirt
And may peek up the skirt
Of the woman who’s playing the cello.
Dave Johnson:
With the lush tones her instrument brings,
She’s playing some beautiful things.
But finding a place
For a harpist to base?
She just might have to pull a few strings.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Andrew Sprung, Beri Caram, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tanja Cilia, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (338)
