After learning that today is National Sardines Day, I felt compelled to pen this limerick:
How I loathe the vile smell of sardines.
It’s far worse than the farts caused by beans.
When my spouse grabs a can
Of those critters… oh, man,
I must flee, lest I sully my jeans.
“Tell me, why are you dating that bum?”
Said a gal to her strict-vegan chum.
“Yes, that fellow’s no saint,
But the man sure can paint!
Plus the guy has a very green thumb.”
“Let’s not eat here,” said Brad. “It’s for nerds.
And I’ve heard that the food tastes like turds.”
But Brad’s meal-mate insisted
And raved: “Can’t resist it!”
Brad ended up eating his words.
“It’s Bagel Day. Buy one! Don’t dally!”
That order did NOT cause my sally
To a favorite store;
Such commands I’ll ignore,
For I always prefer a bialy.
(“National Have A Bagel Day” is celebrated on December 11th, and National Bagel Day is celebrated on January 15th.)
“Do I eat like a horse? Nay,” said Ray.
“So stop saying I do, right away!
I stand falsely accused
And feel bruised, yet amused,
For the truth is I never touch hay!”
“Chef, your food has a terrible taste!
Take it back! You prepared it in haste,”
Griped a large, nasty man.
The reply, said deadpan:
“Well at least it won’t go to your waist.”
The chef was a world-famous man,
Whose cuisine had its roots in Spokane.
But his famed bistro failed
And his customers bailed.
Seems success was a flash in the pan.
(International Chefs Day falls on October 20th.)
I sometimes feel hearty and hale,
And at other times, dauntingly frail.
When the latter takes hold,
I feel achy and old
And have droll thoughts like “maybe try kale.”
(National Kale Day falls on the first Wednesday of October.)
“Your masala’s delicious! Great flavor,”
Raved a customer, currying favor.
Then she added, “But please
Make it hotter. Don’t tease!”
Said the chef, “Fine, but first sign this waiver!”
Though it’s Anisette Day, I don’t care.
I can’t bear any bev’rage or fare
With a licorice taste.
I would rather chew paste!
Me touch tarragon? Not on a dare!
(For some unfathomable reason, “National Anisette Day” is celebrated on July 2.)
I used to hate brocc’li. No more!
It’s a food that I’ve come to adore.
But only if made
By my Mark: Well-sautéed,
Hot and spicy, and garlicked full-bore.
Happy “We Love Broccoli Day!” (March 22)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WHEELS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WHEEL-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 2, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 1, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE-Rhyme Limerick:
A young fellow, no more than nineteen,
Would steal golf carts and often be seen
Careening around
On his campus. He’d found
A trump card: His dad was the Dean.
And here’s my WHEELS-Themed Limerick:
When I ask for the wheel, you refuse me.
“Backseat driver,” you say? Don’t accuse me!
I’m in front, so your claim
Is abusive and lame.
It’s so foolish, you almost amuse me.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
Ever been to a bus’ness lunch? Yuk!
You’ve one scheduled? You’re stuck? Well, good luck!
I’m no fan of such meals,
Where you’re s’pposed to make deals,
Watch your manners, and NEVER say “Fuck!”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
When I first had “hot” food, I went wild.
(The cuisine I’d grown up with was mild.)
From then on, I sought “spicy
And hot,” which is dicey.
Ask a “French chef” for zesty? He’s riled!
I had some internal rhyme fun with this limerick. (Happy “National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day!”)
When a woman attempted to cram
Her fridge with an over-sized ham,
Plus some lamb, SPAM, and yams,
Sev’ral jam jars and clams,
The door jammed on her very first slam.
“I’ve a hunch you had pasta for brunch.
There are stains on your clothing — a bunch.
And they’ll never come out;
Of that fact there’s no doubt.
You should learn not to leak when you lunch.”
*****
Happy National Pasta Day! (October 17)
The oatmeal you served me was stale!
And my dinner? How dare you serve kale!
The meals here don’t thrill me.
You trying to kill me?
Better not, or I’ll see you in jail!
*****
(National Kale Day falls on the first Wednesday of October.)
It’s “Banana Day,” giving me a great excuse to bitch about bananas. (It’s lucky that Mark and I like them at different stages of ripeness. Otherwise, they’d all end up tossed into the garbage.)
“You should eat that banana today,”
Says Mark. “Ugh, it’s TOO ripe,” I say.
“It peaked overnight.
Now it’s yours. Have a bite!
It’s perfect for you; old and gray.”
An Orthodox woman was shakin’;
She’d been saved by a stranger from breakin’
Sev’ral bones in a fall.
The stranger (quite tall)
Said “No handshake? I just saved your bacon.”
******
“International Bacon Day” is celebrated on the first Saturday in September each year.
A mother-to-be gave a shiver.
Her whole body was soon all-aquiver.
She sobbed: “As predicted,
My diet’s restricted.
Doc told me it’s time to de-liver.”
It’s “Asparagus Day.” I’m no fan,
Though of course I’m not pushing a ban.
Why’s “asparagus” tossed
Mid-line, where it’s lost?
I could NOT make it rhyme right or scan.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
