Posts Tagged ‘David Reddekopp’
Saturday, April 11th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Social distancing now is my thing.
I’ve a mask I secure with a string.
But until there’s a cure,
With my hands I’m unsure:
Should I sanitize, wash, or just wring?
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special FEAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Fearful rabbis declare we’ll be dead
If we celebrate Pesach with bread.
I say: “God has more sense
(Well, He must; He’s not Pence…);
Can He kill superstition instead?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Susan Settje, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Thomas Vincent, Tony Holmes, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Dale S. Biggs, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Steve Whitred, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RING/WRING” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FEAR LIMERICKS)
Susan Settje:
We know Stoker and Lovecraft and King.
We’ve seen Jackson and Poe do their thing.
Lock the door, dim the light,
And prepare for a fright,
For ev’ry last quiver they’ll wring.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Shouted Thal, “I’ve invented the ring!”
Said Neander, “Go hide that damn thing.
Chiseled rocks with round holes —
What if one of them rolls?
Thal, I fear what the future will bring!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RING/WRING” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
A boxer with insight to spare
Fought a bout, then was heard to declare:
“It’s a curious thing.
We all call this a ‘ring’ —
So why is it shaped like a square?”
David Reddekopp:
There once was a man from Quebec,
Who proposed to his girl on the deck.
What he brought, for the bling,
Was a cheap plastic ring,
So the girl started wringing his neck.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
The mini-bar’s stocked with libation;
The fluffed pillows suggest hibernation;
There’s a bell I can ring
Should I need anything.
Who will answer? Just me on staycation.
Thomas Vincent:
Said a wizened prize fighter named Bing,
“You can cover your body with bling.
But it won’t change a thing,
If you ain’t got no swing;
They’ll be carting you out of the ring.”
Tony Holmes:
My new girl is an old-fashioned thing
And as such, is averse to a fling.
She will kiss – and we pet,
But no nookie: “Not yet!
If you want me, just give me a ring.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A loud voice to the chorus he’ll bring,
But his notes have a flat, hollow ring:
“Dough dough dough!” – out they roll,
“Me me me!” — but where’s soul?
So I tune out when Trump starts to sing.
Tim James:
A soprano, a devious thing,
Was a part of a criminal ring.
She got busted, but knew
How to rat out her crew;
So when questioned, she started to sing.
Roger Haugen:
They conducted a passionate fling
That lasted through most of the Spring;
“I’m pregnant,” she cried,
He laughed and replied,
“I suppose you’re expecting a ring?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FEAR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“I’m pregnant! I’m frightened to tell
My old man – he’ll be angry as hell!”
“Just lie to the guy –
Say an angel stopped by,
And some Heavenly Spirit as well.”
Dale S. Biggs:
Said a priest to his flock, “Never fear…
For to God you are precious and dear.
Though a pain in the ass,
COVID-19 will pass–
With assistance from pizza and beer.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Now folks, let me say something brief
’Bout my honest and solid belief:
Let your fright disappear;
There is nothing to fear…
(Except the “Commander-In-Chief.”)
Brian Allgar:
Am I writing a foul villanelle? No!
A pantoum or a French kyrielle? No!
These forms simply suck;
Compared to such muck,
Do limericks frighten me? Hell, no!
Dave Johnson:
It has now become perfectly clear
That our nation has plenty to fear.
To fuel our demise,
Trump incessantly lies
While nitwit Repugnicans cheer.
David Reddekopp:
With a bellow that sounds insincere
Says the Prez: “Lo, the Donald is here!
With the brains that I bring
I will fix everything!”
Mr. Trump, that is what we all fear.
Steve Whitred:
In those horror films, girls are dispatched,
But I’ve never thought I would get snatched,
Cuz their endings get met
In a lingerie set,
Whereas none of my underwear’s matched.
Steve Benko:
Until now, I quite happily paid
When the need would arise to get laid.
With protection, the risk
Was just slipping a disc,
But mere breathing now makes me afraid.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dale S. Biggs, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Steve Whitred, Susan Settje, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, November 9th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One night, I undid my car’s lock,
Then I watched from afar like a hawk.
Along came a robber.
I smiled, dripping slobber.
With what did I clobber? A rock!
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special JAZZ-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
In a very conservative nation
Where musical improvisation
Is viewed with disdain,
Playing jazz leads to pain
From a sentence of defenestration.
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse:
Tony Holmes:
‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”
“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”
‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’
“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”
The rest of this saga is here.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Suzanne Heymann, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Roger Haugen, John Bergstrom, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOCK” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Delilah!” cried Samson in shock,
“This haircut will make people gawk.”
Then he tried to stand tall
For his manhood and all,
But went limp when she lopped the last lock.
Brian Allgar:
The voters, a gullible flock,
Had swallowed unthinkingly, lock,
Stock, and barrel, that guy’s
Endless boasting and lies –
Including the size of his cock.
Tim James:
An apparel firm pumped up their stock:
“It’ll double in price! It’s a lock!
Our source of success is
Our fine women’s dresses!”
The truth is, I don’t give a frock.
Daisy Hyrkas:
Miss Caroline stood on the dock
And dipped her toes into the loch.
Her foot probed the murk,
And she felt a sharp jerk.
Seems Nessie had pulled off her sock.
Suzanne Heymann:
My house is a place I don’t lock,
But burglars are in for a shock.
It’s booby-trapped well
And a nightmarish hell;
They’ll get crushed by a cell concrete block!
David Friedman
“Dear Guinevere,” Lance said in shock,
“This chastity belt thing’s a crock!
For why such attire
When each knight and squire
Has got his own key to the lock?!”
David Reddekopp:
The president boasts, “Man, I rock!
My victory next year’s a lock.
Of that fact I’ve no doubt –
I’ll win in a rout!
This I swear by my fifteen-inch cock.”
Roger Haugen:
Groaned Raul to the old Cuban doc,
“What’s causing my stomach to lock?”
As the man poked and prodded,
He solemnly nodded:
“It’s a Castro-intestinal block.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JAZZ-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Daisy Hyrkas:
She’s a big fan of jazz and the blues.
She lounges at bars sucking booze.
She channels Miss Ella
And sings a cappella…
While her boyfriend just sits home and stews.
John Bergstrom:
Messrs. Satchmo and Dizzy and Miles
All blew in their various styles.
Now up in the sky
In that sweet bye and bye,
They’re playing together at Ryles.
Jean McEwen:
While some jazz buffs get into a tizzy
Over bebop and swing, I think Dizzy
Gillespie is King
And Glenn Miller’s the Thing!
(Yes, it’s true: I still drive a Tin Lizzie.)
Roger Haugen:
What’s great about music called jazz
Is what the art hasn’t and has:
No thunderous din
For ears made of tin;
Just rhythmic/harmonic pizzazz.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Still groovin’ although he was blind,
He was certainly one of a kind.
Not a thing could compare
To his brilliant despair
When Georgia was still on his mind.
Dave Johnson:
The singer, a drummer, and bass
Recorded with smoldering grace.
It didn’t take long;
Peggy Lee’s biggest song
Took off at a Feverish pace.
Lisi Nortman:
We swayed and we spun and we twirled.
We hopped and we bopped and we swirled.
We danced with pizzazz
To something called jazz;
America’s gift to the world.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Bergstrom, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (333)
Saturday, June 29th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A pirate who died in Dakar
Lost his booty at cards in a bar.
Giving up all that loot
Made his chest pains acute.
Sadly, no one there knew CP arrrr.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special FARM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which is also a SALUTE-rhyme limerick:
Damn toxins get right to the root
And damage the veggies and fruit.
So on Earth Day we tried
To throw them aside,
And a worm gave a grateful salute.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Diane Groothuis, David Reddekopp, Tim James, Kirk Miller, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FARM LIMERICKS)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Las Vegas has riveting charm,
But it also can cause you much harm;
If you aren’t astute,
You can lose all your loot.
So remember: Don’t bet the whole farm!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME DIVISION)
Diane Groothuis:
A flautist who played on a flute
And a lutenist playing a lute
Went busking one day,
But they lost all their pay
As the looter was much more astute.
David Reddekopp:
The prez is an ignorant brute,
An orangutan stuffed in a suit.
He, for all of his days
Seeks unwarranted praise,
But I’ll give the one-finger salute.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FARM LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Farmer Bob gave a new crop a try
When his cash flow went badly awry.
The results have been grand:
Now supply and demand
Keep his profits and customers high.
Kirk Miller:
From the past, U.S. farmers don’t learn.
Lots of topsoil’s eroded; they yearn
For rich, fertile soil
In which they can toil.
Lack of dirt is a growing concern.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
The stampede of the cows caused him harm.
Then the pigs went and chewed off his arm.
From this horror he dropped,
Till his breathing had stopped.
(The old codger had bought the whole farm.)
David Friedman:
A horny cheese-farmer named Jay
Would shtup his poor cows every day.
The cows would start chewing
When he started spewing,
But it never did get in his whey.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Diane Groothuis, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (325)
Sunday, April 7th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to THOMAS VINCENT, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:
Tough love may be fine when you’re grown,
But for children, best leave it alone;
If you raise kids or chard
With a heart that is hard,
You will soon reap just what you have sown.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DIVORCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A newlywed couple I know
Will divorce in a few weeks or so.
What’s the cause of their split?
He’s not yet found her clit.
If he can’t make her come, then she’ll go.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Brian Allgar:
Said King Henry, “I’m dying to wed
Anne Boleyn – she gives really great head.
So first I must ditch
My last wife – frigid bitch!
But the Pope says ‘You’re married till dead.'”
“I’ve begged him until I am hoarse,
But he simply won’t budge. Well, of course,
I am nobody’s dope –
I’ve outsmarted the Pope
By inventing a thing called ‘Divorce.'”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, David Reddekopp, Steve Benko, Margie Nairn, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Kat Irving and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GROWN or GROAN” RHYME DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
When ice cream is sold in a cone
That can’t hold a scoop on its own,
Let alone two or three
I’ll say “Kids’ size for me,”
And ignore how much up I have grown.
David Reddekopp:
I’ve made lim’ricks an art all my own
And as time has gone on, it has shown
That my poetry runs
With many more puns
As my lim’rick collection has groan.
Steve Benko:
My children are now fully grown,
But I still don’t much care for their tone.
By me they’re embarrassed,
And visits? The rarest,
Except when in need of a loan.
Margie Nairn:
She hopped from the bed with a groan:
“Where’s that condom? It seems to have flown!”
“Don’t be daft,” said her mate.
“But please rush! Oops, too late,”
He said with a smile and a moan.
Tim James:
A misogynist let out a groan
At how “ugly” he found an old “crone.”
No one’s told the big creep
Beauty’s only skin deep;
As for stupid, that goes to the bone.
Brian Allgar:
When Trump showed the hooker his bone,
She giggled. “Think THAT can be blown?”
Returning his dough,
She said “You’d better go –
Come back when your dick’s fully grown.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
That document sure made me groan;
It’s wording, to me, was unknown.
So I saw Rabbi Hunt,
And he read back to front.
Then explained The Reverse Mortgage Loan.
Dave Johnson:
A stripper club dancer is known
To bring down the house on her own.
Her circle of fans
Never sit on their hands;
She’s seen how its members have grown.
Robert Schechter:
A pun’s like a seedling that’s sown,
So fragile, its future’s unknown.
Most die in the ground,
But sometimes it’s found
That a pun will survive till full groan.
Roger Haugen:
The athlete delivered a groan
When struck in the crotch by a stone;
Like all macho jocks
He’s proud of his rocks:
“They’re the most precious things that I own.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DIVORCE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
He’s made off with the dogs and the house,
Yet he still feels empowered to grouse
That I wouldn’t condone
His crass cheating (well known)–
As if I, and not he, were the louse.
Robert Schechter:
Our love for each other was true.
We were married. Our love only grew.
But the day she said “MAGA!”
Our amorous saga
Was over. Our marriage was through.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
For years I was suff’ring with grief.
I’ll tell you my story, real brief:
I got wed (then remorse),
So I got a d-i-v-o-r-c-e,
And that is how I spelled relief.
Steve Benko:
Said Henry the Eighth, “My new church
Leaves no man with a plan in the lurch.
If your wife gives you grief,
You can turn a new leaf
And be free while for pussy you search.”
Kat Irving:
He cried when the judge looked his way.
“Divorce me?” he groaned in dismay.
Then the judge wiped his tear
With my checkbook. It’s clear
That my Ex won the jackpot that day.
Kirk Miller:
Though both of the Cyclops did try
Hard to make marriage work, theirs did die;
Said the new divorcee,
“We just couldn’t agree
At all. Didn’t see eye to eye.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Jean McEwen, Kat Irving, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Margie Nairn, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (319)
Saturday, February 9th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I’m a pessimist. Let me explain,
So I don’t have to say it again:
In the tunnel, my friend
Is a light at the end –
Which belongs to an oncoming train.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special LIGHTING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
All was darkness. Then “Let there be light!”
Earth was formed, and the darkness took flight.
If in light we’re created
As Scripture has stated,
Then why isn’t Man very bright?
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special ACROSTIC Limerick Award, given occasionally to a clever acrostic limerick:
Please don’t be afraid on my plane.
It is safe. You’ll be fine. Just remain.
Leave the flying to me.
OFF WE GO! And you’ll see
That tomorrow, we’ll all be in Spain.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
What a marvelous thing is a dimmer!
On the days I feel older and grimmer,
I just turn it down low,
Make my wrinkles all go,
And look younger and slimmer and trimmer.
If there’s something to mend, fix or tie,
I can just turn the dimmer up high
And produce enough light
To set anything right
And ensure I’ll get by if I try.
Yes, the dimmer is grand altogether,
For both higher light levels and nether –
But I’d be more content
If kind souls would invent
Me a dimmer to tether the weather.
Congratulations to MARK KANE and DIANE GROOTHUIS, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Mark Kane:
Crammed in close, thigh to thigh on the plane,
With their will to abstain on the wain,
They soon met in the loo
For a slow urgent screw,
Then toasted their lust with champagne.
Diane Groothuis:
The passengers thought it was plain
That sobriety was on the wane
When they stood in the queue
To go to the loo,
Hearing corks popping, fizzing champagne.
Mark Kane:
They heard banging again and again,
As they waited inside to deplane.
And once out of wine,
With their lust in decline,
They were scared, so they chose to remain.
(Mark and Diane’s limerick exchange continued into several more verses. You can read the entire limerick repartee exchange here.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Judith H. Block, Fred Bortz and Val Fish. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LIGHTING LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
Says Trump, “What’s that light in the sky?
It’s too bright, and I’m starting to fry.”
“It’s the sun,” they explain.
“That’s a lie! I maintain
That my son is no brighter than I.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
A fellow who lived in Champaign
(That’s a town on an Illinois plain)
Said, “This place ain’t all that.
It’s cold and it’s flat
Like my ex ― but costs less to maintain.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
La Guardia! Where is our plane?
We thought we were going to Spain!
We slept on the floor,
Heard obnoxious jerks snore.
Next vacation. To Disney. By train!
Tony Holmes:
All these people are boarding this train
For two weeks in the sunshine of Spain.
What they haven’t been told
Is it’s wet and it’s cold;
But that’s fine, cuz they like to complain.
Jane Hoffman says:
The cows have lined up to complain
That the bulls are too hard to restrain.
The cows want a pen
Without any men…
To give them a chance to abstain.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
We looked up at the sky. (Was it rain?)
It went fast, and our eyes felt a strain.
Was it Superman? NO!
Was it birds? (Not in snow.)
There it IS! Oh my GOD! It’s a PLANE!
Tim James:
A couple got onto a plane;
Airborne nookie they yearned to attain.
Neither one had a clue
How to screw in a loo.
So they winged it, to mutual gain.
Tony Holmes:
“Drunk again?” is her constant refrain.
She derides all attempts to explain.
It were better, I think,
To forswear further drink,
Than to suffer that woman’s disdain.
Tim James for his Acrostic:
It’s becoming increasingly plain:
Donald Trump’s so-called “very good brain”
Isn’t all it should be.
On the contrary, he
Tweets and rants like a man gone insane.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHTING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“Soft music, dim lighting, and you…
You’re the love of my life. It is true,
When I see you, I’m dazed,”
Murmured Trump as he gazed
In the mirror, his favorite view.
Jean McEwen:
Thank goodness this room’s dimly lit
So my boyfriend can’t quite see the zit
On the tip of my nose
That through makeup still shows.
(If he saw it, then surely he’d split.)
Dave Johnson:
With agents and flashlights galore,
Now Roger is part of the score.
Since Mueller’s so near,
Trump just might need to fear
That 6 A.M. bang on the door.
Judith H. Block:
It seems that some guys need enlightening;
Their view is dismaying – needs brightening.
Beauty comes in all sizes.
They’re in for surprises;
Small gals can give pleasure quite heightening.
Fred Bortz:
The spotlights illumine the stage
Where the despot will soon stand and rage.
But the nation takes note,
And soon we will vote
That the time’s come to turn a new page.
Val Fish:
He’d attempted to set the right mood;
Soft music, the lighting subdued.
But it all went to pot
With chili, too hot;
Several trips to the toilet ensued.
Dave Johnson:
Trump’s shutdown is all about him
Kowtowing to fright-wingers’ whim.
Fed workers are stuck
All because of this schmuck,
Whose bulb runs no brighter than dim.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Diane Groothuis, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Kane, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Val Fish, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, December 1st, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The game has the Vikings and Bears.
Who’s winning? Seems nobody cares.
The guys are in bunches;
I’d say that my hunch is:
At Hooters they’re watching the pairs.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special THEFT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
This section of town’s gettin’ tough,
And frankly, I’ve just had enough!
So I put out a rug
That says, “Listen here thug:
Rob the neighbors. They’ve much better stuff.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, David Reddekopp, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PAIRS” RHYME DIVISION)
Fred Bortz, who notes that this is fiction:
I fell from the top of the stairs,
And my body’s in need of repairs.
But I still found the time
To come up with this rhyme.
Now let’s see if Mad Kane really cares.
Tim James:
Twin sisters, so hot they drew stares,
Swung on by to relieve all his cares.
All misfortunes, you see,
Come in batches of three,
While the best things in life come in pairs.
Dave Johnson:
They used to grow apples and pears,
Filling grocery bins with their wares.
Now they’re serving us well
In this Trumpian spell;
With vineyards that drown all our cares.
Tony Holmes
It seems life likes to do things in twos,
Though exceptions abound to confuse.
Buns and boobs come in pairs,
As do hands: It all squares.
Evolution? Or planning – but whose?
Kirk Miller:
At the nudist camp, manager Fred
Said, “When walking, please carefully tread.
They are making repairs
On the sidewalk and stairs.”
“Please bare with us,” warning signs read.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (THEFT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
What’s important to Trump is the deal,
And it’s fine if you lie, cheat or steal.
It would really be nice
If his theft had a price –
Let’s say “20 to life,” no appeal.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
It seems that Viagra was stolen
By crooks who are mainly Angolan.
The newspaper said:
“Cops are full steam ahead
And looking for thieves who are swollen.”
Sharon Neeman:
A stripper with pasties and patch
Hid her diamonds high up in her snatch,
But a tale-bearing snitch
Went and told on the bitch,
And the stash was soon snatched — a good catch!
David Reddekopp:
She had beauty right down to an art
And she caused all my breath to depart.
“She is gorgeous,” I said,
And at that, I dropped dead,
For the woman had stolen my heart!
Dave Johnson:
A pickpocket fled from the bar;
He tried running, but failed to get far.
They ended the chase
In a parking lot space;
Seems someone had stolen his car.
David Friedman:
There once was a cold-hearted thief
Who only caused heartache and grief.
The worst thing he stole
Was our great nation’s soul,
And that’s our Commander in Chief.
Dave Johnson:
A burglar was just apprehended
In a manner that’s not recommended.
The loot had been stashed
In a trunk that was mashed;
His car was first chased then rear-ended.
Fred Bortz:
He copied and pasted the text
To submit to the Prof as his next
Class writing assignment.
But each stolen line meant
His teacher was thoroughly vexed.
Tim James:
A boy, an unlikable geek,
Stole some candy, an act of pure pique.
He got busted. His dad
Whupped his ass pretty bad.
(I could hardly sit down for a week.)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dave Johnson, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (311)
Saturday, July 21st, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Poor Billy. He fell for the spell
Of the belle of the ball. All was well,
’Til he swung her and tripped
At the moment they dipped,
And we all heard the bawl of the belle.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Punishment-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Kinky punishment’s part of her act,
And at times she wears costumes. In fact,
With one client, for fun,
She dressed up like a nun.
But it wasn’t his knuckles she whacked.
Congratulations to Sharon Neeman and Brian Allgar, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange, written because they apparently found my limerick theme choice to be punishing:
Sharon Neeman:
This week’s challenge is far from sublime:
Mad has found us a verb with no rhyme!
Not “astonish” or “banish”
Or “donnish” or “vanish” –
Just “nunnish,” which wastes all our time.
Brian Allgar:
Poor Sharon complains that this week
The lack of a rhyme-verb is bleak,
And to seek one for “punish”
Could only be funnish
For one with a masochist streak.
Madeleine Begun Kane:
Please don’t punish the judge for her theme-choice.
(One might modishly call it her meme-choice.)
For you’re free as a bird
To select any word
And determine your own rhyming scheme-choice.
Brian Allgar: (written, Brian claims, after a few drinks)
Dear Mad –
I washn’t intending to critishize
But shimply attempting to wittishize
Poor Sharon’s shad plight
As besht as I might
Through whishky-befuddled old British eyes
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners, in random order: Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Steve Whitred, Tony Holmes, Will T. Laughlin, Mark Westin, Lisi Nortman, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Ken Gosse, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BELL / BELLE / REBEL-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PUNISHMENT LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
“Come lie down and be whipped,” hissed the “pastor;”
“You have shown disrespect to your master.”
His “disciple,” sweet Belle,
Grinned and answered “Like hell!
Though you’re older and bigger, I’m faster.”
Brian Allgar:
An athletic young hooker called Belle
Said “You’ve been a bad boy, I’ve heard tell.”
So she spanked and she spanked
While the President wanked,
Till his bum was bright orange as well.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BELL / BELLE / REBEL-RHYME DIVISION)
David Reddekopp:
There once was a fellow named Mel,
Whose date was proceeding quite well;
He was baring it all
With the belle of the ball –
Then he saw the two balls of the belle.
Dave Johnson:
He’s dating a true Southern belle
Who’s gracious and gorgeous as well.
We talked for a while
And he said with a smile:
“She’s horny and I’m feeling swell.”
Stephen Whitred:
Neither ask who is tolling the bell,
Nor for whom is its sorrowful knell,
Cuz the answer you see
Is it’s ringing for thee,
And you’re Donne for, or so I hear tell.
Tony Holmes:
When I ponder the night I met Belle
All the veins in my neck start to swell.
She was coy, I had gold;
She took charge, I got rolled –
But ’twas ME spent the night in a cell!
Will T. Laughlin:
From the depths of Political Hell
Came the sharp, metaphorical yell
Of a crotch-grabbing schmuck
With his short fingers stuck
In the crack of the Liberty Bell.
Dave Johnson:
When someone says “clear as a bell”
My question is: how does it knell?
Does transparency bring
A much zingier ding,
With a dong that is longer as well?
Mark Westin:
In the old days ’twas telephone hell
When the circuits were ruled by Ma Bell,
Till a wireless coup
Promised freedom anew.
But we wound up enslaved by the cell.
Lisi Nortman:
Ten items at checkout? Oh hell!
I’ve eleven, but no one can tell.
I just must buy that treat
Or my doggie won’t eat.
(And what a cool way to rebel!)
Stephen Whitred says:
What I said was as clear as a bell,
And our summit was super and swell.
He’s my biggily bear,
And I really don’t care
That he calls me his mademoiselle.
Tim James:
A woman was hotter than hell,
But she couldn’t do math very well.
“Four plus four’s forty-four.
Maybe less? Maybe more?”
She’s well-known as a true ding-dong belle.
Konrad Schwoerke:
In high school, I always did well,
But my shyness made being there hell.
My virginity loomed
(I’d have sworn I was doomed);
Then, at prom, I was saved by the belle.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PUNISHMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
And now, for his manifold sins,
Trump’s punishment truly begins:
His dreadful remarks
Got the man who hates sharks
In hot water, surrounded by Fin(n)s.
Ken Gosse:
Trump would punish potential rebellion
By demanding that each wanton hellion
Watch his face night and day,
And hear all that he’d say.
His draconian touch was Orwellian.
Sharon Neeman:
Snatching kids makes America big?
Throw the Snatcher-in-Chief in the brig!
Make him pay for his fun:
Give that immigrant’s son
A new jumpsuit — same shade as his wig.
Jean McEwen:
You’ve committed a terrible crime,
But you’d rather not serve lots of time.
Disinclined to repentance?
Then ponder this sentence:
Old Sparky is truly sublime!
Sharon Neeman:
At dinner, if ever I said
Something nasty, they sent me to bed —
So I often was rude:
“Reading’s better than food;
Let my brothers do dishes instead!”
Konrad Schwoerke:
I’m emotional during my time,
And I sob at the drop of a dime.
I was wailing when nailed;
Now I’m wailing while jailed.
I-I’m putting the cry-y in crime.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Westin, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, March 3rd, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
When the doc said, “Ovarian cyst,”
She added his name to the list
Of clueless physicians
Who fail in their missions.
She’s trans, which he somehow had missed.
Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special HAIR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Before her Brazilian, Miss Claire
Grew a raggedy thicket down there.
Although follicly taxing,
Its waning by waxing
Left Claire’s hairy lair fairly bare.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Mike Shulman, Bob Dvorak, Kirk Miller, John Bergstrom, Ailsa McKillop, Mike Burch, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Judith H. Block, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST” RHYME DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
Hubby checked out his phone while he pissed,
And — pre-dick-tably — some of it missed.
Now the loo stinks like hell,
But he claims there’s no smell!
Oh, I wish he would cease and desist!
David Reddekopp:
I was nearing the end of my rope.
Would the government give me some hope?
Their reply left me pissed:
“If these problems persist
They’re built into the system, so cope.”
Mike Shulman:
A ribald gent liked to insist
He could come with a flick of the wrist.
He flicked when a cop
Made a brief traffic stop,
And was slapped with a “cease and desist.”
Sharon Neeman:
“My brother’s disgusting!” she hissed.
“Did you hear what he said? I’m so pissed:
‘If adding E-R
Takes a word twice as far,
Then a sister’s just worse than a cyst’!”
Bob Dvorak:
Some readers will find themselves pissed
When on viewpoints I loudly insist.
’Twould be better, I say,
To debate, than say “Nay!”
Present FACTS that one cannot resist.
Kirk Miller:
Charles Dickens could never resist
A martini; the yearn would persist.
So the bartender spoke
Seven words as a joke:
“Hey there Charlie, want Olive or Twist?”
John Bergstrom:
There was a young man who’d insist
He could shop without making a list.
“For the last seven weeks
I’ve bought nothing but leeks.
I don’t care if my girlfriend gets pissed!”
Ailsa McKillop:
The round table game did persist.
Ev’ry man held some cards in his fist.
With expressionless mien
I’d have savoured the scene,
If how poker was played I had wist.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (HAIR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Mike Burch:
The hair flap was truly a scare:
Trump’s bald as a billiard back there!
The whole nation laughed
At the state of his graft;
Now the man’s wigging out, so beware!
Jean McEwen:
I thought that I’d reached for shampoo,
But now the damn comb won’t go through.
Although properly tagged,
The wrong bottle I grabbed.
And that’s why my hair is now goo.
Tim James:
I try to take aging with grace,
Despite wrinkles and sags in my face.
Things have slowed down a lot.
But there’s one thing that’s not:
It’s my hairline, retreating apace.
Dave Johnson:
Rapunzel, please let down your hair;
A fellow from Guinness is there.
He’ll measure your tresses,
And my simple guess is
The record, with inches to spare.
Brian Allgar:
“So waddya think of my hair?”
Said the Donald. She gave him a stare.
“Well, the color – bright yellow –
Is odd for a fellow,
And most of it just isn’t there.”
Judith H. Block:
The guy was as huge as a bear,
So drunk, he slid off the bar chair;
He took a large swig,
Then he grabbed at her wig,
She truly escaped by a hair.
Byron Miller:
Though his trumped-up successes, he’ll flaunt,
Saying, “Let’s make the deal that YOU want.”
I just can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.
Dave Johnson:
While Elvis was known for his hair,
His fans were more likely to stare
At the gyrating show
Going on down below;
A pelvis with follicle flair.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Bergstrom, Judith H. Block, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mike Burch, Mike Shulman, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limerick-Offs, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 3 Comments »
Saturday, February 17th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I’m skinny, a virtual rail,
And I tip one-fifteen on the scale.
People say, “You should eat!
Try some wholesome white meat!”
But at chicken and turkey I quail.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Winter Olympics-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The judge from each country inspects
Every move that the couple selects
For their dance on the ice.
So they heed this advice:
You can win if you simulate sex.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Bob Dvorak, Michael Moulton, Sharon Neeman, Nancy Stanley, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Scott Crowder, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RAIL/DERAIL RHYME DIVISION)
Craig Dykstra:
Please forgive me a bit while I rail
’Bout this nasty new veggie called kale.
But I cook mine in oil,
So it takes much less toil
To scrape from the pan to the pail.
Sue Dulley:
A towel may hang on a rail.
A picture may hang on a nail.
When you’re in your car
Driving home from the bar,
A police car may hang on your tail.
Brian Allgar:
On a windy day, out for a sail,
The Donald fell over the rail.
Well, the sharks came to sniff,
But they all took one whiff
And then fled from this foul-smelling whale.
Craig Dykstra:
He got caught making love with a male
And got run out of town on a rail.
Their affair was taboo,
But what else can you do
When in love with a poodle named Dale?
Bob Dvorak:
They don’t do “it” while traveling by rail,
Nor on airplanes, nor under a sail.
Says the woman, with woe,
“In and out? To and fro?
Proper motion gets lost in the male.”
Mike Moulton:
Donald Trump likes to rant and to rail
’Bout UrAsia’s uranium sale,
But it’s simply bad acting
In hopes of distracting
His base with another tall tale.
Sharon Neeman:
Allow me a moment to rail:
Doritos is way off the trail.
Launching quieter chips
For the ladies’ sweet lips
Is a sexist, predictable fail.
Nancy Stanley:
Yes, we’re all getting used to the tale:
The Prez thinks he’s SO ‘Alpha Male.’
But from his tweeting fingers,
There’s no doubt that lingers;
His crazy train’s gonna derail.
Dave Johnson:
When hiking, we know of a trail
So steep, they provided a rail.
It’s handy and nice;
Such a thoughtful device,
If you hate sliding down on your tail.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WINTER OLYMPICS LIMERICK DIVISION)
David Reddekopp:
The officials won’t cut any slack;
If you cheat, you’ll be catching some flack.
You’re a dope if you dope
And you haven’t a hope.
And your medal? Well, nope, give it back!
Scott Crowder:
The skaters will glide on the ice,
Routines well-rehearsed and precise,
And we shall embrace,
All the beauty and grace.
Yet, ev’ry four years will suffice.
Sharon Neeman:
Here’s a Winter O. sports list for me:
Drinking contests — hot chocolate and tea;
Carpool driving in hail;
Dash through snow for the mail;
Pairs of socks worn at once (I’ve scored three!)
Tim James:
The Olympic to-do won’t abate;
To the hype, though, I just can’t relate.
They can luge, sled and ski,
But it means naught to me.
When it comes on the telly, I skate.
Sue Dulley’s Slopestyle:
Your snowboard must glide down a rail
And then over a cliff-edge you sail.
With your mitt you must grip
Your board’s edge; spin and flip,
Neatly land without fail, then exhale.
Dave Johnson:
Last winter and how it was spent:
The snow always came – never went.
Our shovels we’d fill,
But the driveway was still
A downhill Olympic event.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mike Moulton, Nancy Stanley, Scott Crowder, Sharon Neeman, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, February 3rd, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
If I thought I might want to expend
Tons of cash on a porn star, I’d fend
Off that notion tout de suite.
By my wife I’d get beat,
And on Twitter I’d doubtlessly trend.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Impatience-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
You buttonhole me in the queue
And boast of the wonders of you —
But frankly, my dear,
I’m in no mood to hear,
For I’m dying to go to the loo.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Gary Henderson, David Reddekopp, Michael Moulton, Kirk Miller, Perry Plouff, Brian Allgar, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PENNED” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
He told her he had to expend
Some “quality time” with a friend.
Her answer was snide:
“Were you staying inside,
Then falling asleep in the end?”
Sharon Neeman:
“He’s a writer,” you say of your… “friend” —
But what has he actually penned?
You clothe him and feed him
And think that you need him.
He’s mooching! Wise up! Make it end!
Gary Henderson:
The Donald asked Stormy to bend,
And to lift up her ample rear end.
“I’ll be happy to try,”
She said with a sigh,
“Once you take off that yellow Depend.”
David Reddekopp:
So now that I’m older, I tend
To lose my shit, out my rear end.
And since there’s a chance
That I’ll poop in my pants,
That means on Depends I depend.
Mike Moulton:
Donald Trump, from the tweets that you’ve penned,
It is clear you think Putin’s our friend.
When he hacked our election,
He got an erection,
And we all get screwed in the end.
Kirk Miller:
Read a book Chubby Checker had penned,
Recommended to me by a friend.
It’s a mystery, so
I suppose you should know
That the book has a twist at the end.
Perry Plouff:
And so now I’m obliged to defend
All the poems I never have penned.
I can’t think of a rhyme
For the rhyme word this time,
So my rhyming is now at an end.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (IMPATIENCE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
This tailgater thought he could say:
“Hey buddy, get outta my way!”
My foot disagreed;
An appropriate speed
Is causing him further delay.
Brian Allgar:
The voters impatiently wait
For their country again to be great.
But despite what Trump said,
It’s a shithole instead –
If you vote for shit, shit is your fate.
David Reddekopp:
They’re taking their time, and I worry
Whose favor do I have to curry?
I would hate to be late
For my date – I can’t wait!
O God, grant me patience, but hurry!
Tim James:
For the mafia doc things are bleak,
And he’s now in a high state of pique.
It’s the local D.A.’s
That have caused this malaise:
They’ve been trying his patients all week.
Dave Johnson:
“Get going!” he yells at the cars;
“What’s taking so long?” in the bars.
If the future were here,
He’d probably sneer:
“Too slow!” on a shuttle to Mars.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Gary Henderson, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mike Moulton, Perry Plouff, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Sunday, January 21st, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this 2-verse limerick:
A fellow was trying to steal
A kiss (and much more) from Lucille.
Though he coaxed and cajoled,
It just didn’t take hold.
In his spiel she found little appeal.
Well, he’s only sixteen. My own line
At that age wasn’t polished or fine.
I remember the urge
When those hormones would surge…
STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER, YOU SWINE!
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TEEN-Themed Limerick Award for this 2-verse limerick:
Roy Moore has a craving for teens;
Oh, the charm of those tight little jeans
On the sweetly pubescent!
He’s always tumescent,
And getting his under-age greens.
“I’ve been libelled by sick magazines,”
He insists. “So I go for fourteens?
‘Let the little kids cum’,
Jesus said. I ain’t dumb –
That’s what true Christianity means.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Konrad Schwoerke, Fred Bortz, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STEAL/STEEL” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
A welder who lived in Mobile,
Was known for his fingers of steel.
When lovers were bruised
From his fondles, he mused:
“I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel.”
Sharon Neeman:
If I were a robot of steel,
I wouldn’t eat chicken or veal.
Plugged in for an hour,
I’d rest and re-power.
Electrons: the true vegan meal.
Steve Whitred:
A dossier authored by Steele
Could confirm that collusion was real
But the part on page three
Where those women go wee
Made the FSB laugh in a peal.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Take a hair, and at most, I might squeal,
But a kidney’s a much bigger deal.
Though a lung is too dear,
I will lend you an ear,
And my heart you are welcome to steal.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEEN LIMERICK DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
“Dear parents,” advises the sage,
“You know that your teens will engage
In actions erotic.
Just don’t be despotic.
Remember you once were their age.”
David Reddekopp:
To be sixteen again! I’ll explain
Why a wish of that sort is in vain:
I would spend ev’ry week
Of my sexual peak
With my gland in my hand, once again.
Sharon Neeman:
In this foul wintry storm that I dread,
As I work with sick joints and sore head,
I recall: in my teens,
When I woke to such scenes,
I’d feign fever and go back to bed.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, January 6th, 2018
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this 2-verse limerick:
If you’ve heard this before, just say “Stop!” —
How my auntie once bested a cop:
He spotted Aunt Esther
And said he’d arrest her.
“What for? That’s just tools from my shop.”
“Those crowbars? I’ll give you a fine.”
“Then I’ll say that you raped me, you swine!”
“I did not! That’s not fair!”
“Well, your… tool… is right there,
Just the same as you said about mine.”
Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Special CELEBRATION-Themed Limerick Award for this 2-verse limerick:
David Reddekopp:
I decided that I’d take a chance;
In an effort to try to enhance
The amount of good cheer
To ring in the new year,
I put mistletoe into my pants.
Though my actions were bold and quite brash,
No one noticed or batted a lash.
I had little to show
From that damn mistletoe;
Just a rather embarrassing rash.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, David Reddekopp, Suzanne Heymann, Michael Moulton, Sharon Neeman, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FINE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
A woman would strictly define
All her beaus by their phallic design.
If the size of their stuff
Wasn’t quite up to snuff,
“Where’s the beef?” was her withering line.
Brian Allgar:
“Let’s go down to my cellar.” “Divine,”
Said the bimbo. “I love tasting wine,
But there’s one tricky bit –
Should I swallow or spit?”
“For this tasting,” he said, “both are fine.”
Fred Bortz: (who sends his apologies to Peter, Paul and Mary.)
A racehorse named Stewball drank wine.
He was thirty-to-one on the line.
I’m a jailbird today,
’Cause I bet on the bay–
Thirty days, since I can’t pay the fine.
I’m confined to a cell that’s quite narrow,
Where I’m chilled all the way to my marrow.
I’d be free as a bird
Had I heeded the word
Of Travers and Stookey and Yarrow.
Kirk Miller:
Every limerick isn’t complete
’Til its rhythm conforms to a beat,
So that every line
Has a cadence that’s fine.
All the writers must think on their feet.
David Reddekopp:
For all of my life, I will pine
For a girl with a body that’s fine
And some junk in her trunk;
I like girls who have spunk –
But of course, I prefer that it’s mine.
Suzanne Heymann:
Donald’s brain is a bit of a mystery.
It’s unbalanced, bizarre, bleak and blistery.
So, preserve it in brine
As a way to confine
The most backward bloodline in our history.
Mike Moulton:
A woman thought things would be fine,
If she just plucked one fruit from a vine,
But when biting in haste,
A worm was displaced
Who said, “Hey sweetheart, this one is mine.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CELEBRATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
For Jews, celebrations are sweet,
With a theme that will leave us replete:
“Though our enemies tried
To commit genocide,
Yet they failed; we prevailed. Now let’s eat!”
Brian Allgar:
Celebrations are called for today!
Though I’m ill every year, let me say
Through my coughing and sneezing
And choking and wheezing,
Fucking Christmas is one year away!
Dave Johnson:
The naturist party was planned,
Including a hot, local band.
Engaging and loud,
They were dressed like the crowd;
So dancers would know where they stand.
Tim James:
We will celebrate soon ― this is true ―
Thirty years since we both said “I do.”
What’s the secret? I say:
Just be kind ev’ry day.
(Giving choc’late works really well too.)
Dave Johnson:
At a New Year’s Eve party, her glance
Was the start of their torrid romance.
Obsessed through and through,
They would happily screw
On a surfboard, if given the chance.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mike Moulton, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, December 9th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The golfer whose game hit a snag
And whose shots landed far from the flag,
Said his caddy’s to blame
For advice on his game.
So the caddy’s left holding the bag.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special COWARDICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Donald thinks he’s one hell of a fellow.
“Nothing scares me!” the braggart will bellow.
But as Mueller draws near,
Donald trembles with fear;
Both his hair and his belly are yellow.
Congratulations to MARK KANE, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Turning tricks in hotels was her game.
And with most johns the work was the same:
They’d agree on a price
For his pleasures and vice,
Then she’d leave shortly after he came.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award for her 3-verse limerick. Here’s how she describes her puzzle challenge: “Find the ‘hidden’ names of what are mostly board games. (Some use dice/die or cards.) There are 13 in total.”
You know, being a spy and a dame
Is a scary and dangerous game.
If I fail in my mission,
I soon will be fishin’
For a graveyard position (oh shame!)
I am sorry; that boat ain’t a yahtzee.
I risk boarding that battleship nazi.
Though it seems so taboo,
I just hadn’t a clue
What the dirty minds knew of a plot, see?
My plan was no trivial pursuit.
I must scrabble for facts and then scoot.
“Operation Titanium”
Don’t boggle my cranium.
I found the uranium! Let’s shoot!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Suzanne Heymann, Dave Johnson, Mike Shulman, David Reddekopp, Ailsa McKillop, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GAME” RHYME DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
I was watching young people play Twister
With some body parts grabbed by some mister.
But the twist in the game
Unexpectedly came
When his gonads were squeezed by his sister.
Dave Johnson:
Her boyfriend just wasn’t the same,
His excuses – increasingly lame.
Then later she found
He was playing around;
Maintaining his skin in the game.
Mike Shulman:
A sportsman with mis’rable aim
Hunted roadkill in place of real game.
When he bagged a flat skunk,
His wife growled in her funk:
“That’s gamy, which isn’t the same.”
David Reddekopp:
The hunter went out with his daughter.
He thought it was time that he taught her,
So she said “Sure, I’m game!”
He then turned and took aim
With his gun, pulled the trigger, and shot her!
Ailsa McKillop:
On the wall it hung, stitched, in a frame,
The fond motto of Scots to proclaim:
“East or West, Hame is Best.”
The American guest
Said “This Hame guy—just what is his game?”
Sharon Neeman:
A young woman, Lorena by name,
Had a man with a really bad game;
In disgust, she one day
Cut his joystick away.
(Though repaired, it was never the same.)
Mike Shulman:
Mary Lou felt her passions enflame
Playing handball with men without shame.
Saying, “Can we be besties?”
She’d fondle their testes.
“Isn’t handball the name of this game?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (COWARDICE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Call it bravery, gumption or guts;
You’ll find none among GOP sluts.
While they sell out the poor,
Corporations get more.
They’re all cowards. No ifs, ands or buts.
Steve Whitred:
To our shame we’re the ones who empowered
A bully, a boor, and a coward.
And I know time will come
We’ll be rid of the bum.
I just wish it was happening now-ward.
Sue Dulley:
When I’m out for a walk or a jog
And approached by a big off-leash dog,
My saunter is soured.
I’m cowed, I’m a coward;
My jog soon turns into a slog.
Brian Allgar:
At the dentist, I’m really quite brave,
But each morning, I gibber and rave
At the blood and the pain,
Swearing “Never again!”
I’m a coward when having to shave.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Mark Kane, Mike Shulman, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 4 Comments »
Saturday, November 25th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DIANE GROOTHUIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a whined-rhyme and a revenge limerick:
The neighbor’s dog whimpered and whined,
Till it drove me quite out of my mind.
To stop it I stoned it,
Then shredded and boned it.
“A doggy bag? You are so kind!”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special REVENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
He filmed their encounter for kicks;
Then secretly posted the pics.
Her father, a pro
With intelligence flow,
Pursued a conviction that sticks.
To those who would purposely shame
For revenge or just playing a game,
Remember this tale;
You could wind up in jail
As well as the Dick Hall of Fame.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Graham Lester, Kirk Miller, Steve Whitred, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO REVENGE LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar
“To take action or not?” Hamlet whined.
“Avenging my Dad would be kind;
There are arguments for,
But against, there are more….
I simply can’t make up my mind.”
Sharon Neeman’s 2-Verser:
He scratched and he howled and he whined
As she did a full strip, bump and grind.
When she shed the last bits
And revealed quim and tits,
He thought he’d go out of his mind…
On the phone, she revealed to her sister
That her husband had wronged her and dissed her.
“But I used that old spell
That you taught me so well —
Now he’s such a good doggie, my Mister!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WHINED or WINED or UNWIND” RHYME DIVISION)
Graham Lester:
A little while after I’ve dined,
I do something quite unrefined,
But don’t say I “puked” —
You’ll be sternly rebuked!
I’d prefer you to say I “un-wined.”
Kirk Miller:
When the judge arrived home, his wife, Kay,
Told their kids, “From your dad, stay away.
He just needs to unwind,
’Cause we’re likely to find
He is stressed from a long, trying day.”
Steve Whitred:
I’ve been whiskied, tequila’d and wined.
Inspiration’s been easy to find.
Poured out lims by the score,
Even some you’d adore,
But they all were just 3 or 4 lined.
Marty Gerendasy:
A young man was delighted to find
An exciting new way to unwind;
Had it all well in hand
Till one day it was banned.
Mom said “Stop it or else you’ll go blind!”
Randolph Wagner:
With his crotch rubbing Helen’s behind,
Paris relished their hot bump and grind.
But his Trojan attire
Sheathed virile desire.
“Bareback buggery’s better!” she whined.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (REVENGE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
As their Thanksgiving dinner drew nigh,
The turkey was starting to cry.
But revenge would be sweet
When they chewed on her meat –
She had bird flu! The diners would die.
David Reddekopp:
There’s no end to the trouble you’re in
If, Mad, you commit this great sin:
Take heed what I say
You WILL rue the day
If you don’t pick my limerick to win.
Dave Johnson:
A road-rager flashing his light
Flipped them off as he passed on the right.
Moments later they saw
He’d been stopped by the law;
“That’s him!” she said. “Thanks and good night.”
Tim James:
There once was a weirdo named Moore
Who cruised high schools and malls. But what for?
Teenage girls! If he knew them,
He wanted to screw them.
With luck, they’ll now even the score.
Brian Allgar:
He was grabbed by a fist hard as steel;
The Donald emitted a squeal
Like a pig at the slaughter.
“Hey, Dad!” said his daughter,
“This grabbing thing – how does it feel?”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Diane Groothuis, Graham Lester, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, November 11th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The lascivious, lewd, lazy lord
Had a harem, one hell of a horde.
Lots of sex (his sole goal)
Stopped his heart, took its toll,
As too many a hole was explored.
Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Special CHAOS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Steve Whitred:
With Max on the case we all knew
That the phone ringing came from his shoe,
That he’d miss ‘by that much’
But come through in the clutch,
And that KAOS would always ensue.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
“Please tell me, of those who’ve been whored,
Which sluts might a beggar afford
For a sexual tryst?”
He gave me a list
With the name of your mom underscored.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER and BRIAN ALLGAR, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Robert Schechter:
The Devil, no less than the Lord,
Is looking for souls he can hoard.
I’ve heard both their pitches
But still don’t know which is
The team I’ll be hopping aboard.
Brian Allgar: (The Devil replies)
If you’ve had a good time, if you’ve whored,
If when sinning, your spirits have soared,
Then you’re welcome. If not,
Maybe Heaven’s your spot,
But I warn you – you’re gonna be bored.
Robert Schechter:
All my life I have partied and whored
Since the day my umbilical cord
Was snipped, till the day
I could no longer pay,
So my virtue was sadly restored.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHAOS LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
I’ve searched through my limerick hoard
For a piece about “chaos”. I’m floored!
I know there must be one,
So why can’t I see one?
My files are chaotically stored!
Sharon Neeman:
Disorder she’d always abhorred;
When the hurricane came, she was floored!
Her possessions were scattered
And ruined and shattered.
“Just take me now, Lord!” she implored.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HOARD, HORDE, or WHORED” RHYME DIVISION)
David Reddekopp:
There once was a woman, quite bored.
She went out on the street and she whored.
But she wasn’t a looker,
And no one would book her;
Her night as a hooker: ignored.
Sue Dulley:
My nose started bleeding – good lord!
It’s blood I can little afford.
From nostrils it issues –
Now where are my tissues?
They’ve hidden themselves in my hoard.
Dave Johnson:
On display, an unusual hoard
Of artifacts nicely restored.
Erotic in style,
They remind with a smile
How debauchery scored with the bored.
Fred Bortz:
With the whole Red Light District explored,
Where each one of the horde had been whored,
The warriors returned
To their base where they learned
About STD treatments ignored.
Robert Schechter:
A group of Norwegians, a horde,
Once offered a prayer to the Lord:
“Before our life ends,
Won’t you send us a Benz
Instead of a broken-down Fjord?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHAOS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
“Chaotic” can only describe
A trip with the family tribe.
From “Gotta go potty!”
To “STOP BEING NAUGHTY!”
3:30? It’s time to imbibe.
Suzanne Heymann:
On my lap, my cute Shih Tzu had pooed.
I freaked out and then chaos ensued.
It was much worse a sin
Than just stuck to my skin;
That’s because I had been in the nude!
Sharon Neeman:
The supplies were delivered today,
And the work starts tomorrow, they say;
Now I can’t close my door —
No, nor walk on the floor —
For the boxes of tiles in the way.
I’ve just had the nastiest fall
On the sink that is blocking my hall;
There’s a tap in my hat,
And I can’t find the cat,
And there’s no room to sleep here at all.
Tim James for his “Acrostic” Limerick:
Pay heed to what’s up in D.C.:
Utter chaos ’round hookers who pee.
There’s just one man who scores
In this tale of the whores.
Now look left, and you’ll see who’s the key.
Suzanne Heymann:
On climate change, Trump wants to ban it.
The ember of chaos – he’ll fan it.
He refuses to listen
To facts that he’s missin’
With actions dismissin’ the planet.
The scientists have all the proof.
All their work done got scrapped by him – Poof!
He believes there is worth
In destroying the earth.
How’d his momma give birth to that goof?!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (285)
Sunday, October 29th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
My two titties were built like a tank.
I had dear Mother Nature to thank.
But I’m way past my prime
And can thank Father Time
For the ultimate crime – they both sank.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Vegetable-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Did you hear about Ruthie Ann Rickles?
She used cukes for her intimate tickles,
’Til poor Ruthie (all heedless
Of sticking to seedless)
Gave birth to a jarful of pickles.
Congratulations to SUE DULLEY, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
One veggie that I love to hate: (oh,
Apart from the cherry tomato) –
More bland than wax beans
And less tasty than greens,
Is the boring-as-hell mashed potato.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Marty Gerendasy, Daniel Ari, Randolph Wagner, Sue Dulley, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TANK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO VEGETABLE LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
“Your Honor,” said bank robber Reggie,
“My wife said we had to go veggie.
She threw out my steaks
And fed me kale shakes,
Which I guess made me feel kind of edgy.
Then she took all my cash and my plastic,
So I had to go do something drastic.
I **did** rob that bank —
Just so I could tank
Up on roast beef — and it was fantastic!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TANK” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Said the hooker to Trump: “I’ll be frank;
Though you claim that you’re built like a tank,
It’s a tank with a belly
That shakes like a jelly,
And a weapon whose charges are blank.”
Will T. Laughlin:
“I’ve the Second Amendment to thank
For keeping me safe,” hollered Hank.
“It’s my right to bear arms,
So who cares who it harms?”
Then he drove off to church… in his tank.
Marty Gerendasy:
After spending the night with a skank,
He awoke with the drunks in the tank.
Blinked his eyes, said “Oh dear,
What am I doing here?
Guess it must have been something I drank!”
Daniel Ari:
A robber fresh out of the tank
Walked into First National Bank.
“We’ve met,” said the greeter.
The con pulled his heater
And said, “I’m not drawing a blank.”
Sharon Neeman:
A conceited new sergeant named Hank
Took a selfie while driving his tank.
Pride precedeth a fall —
He steered into a wall…
Thirty days and demotion in rank.
Randolph Wagner:
A saucy pert lass, when alerted
To breezes blown nippingly, flirted.
Her bearing was frank
As she donned a sheer tank:
It was pointedly quite extroverted.
Sue Dulley:
I tried to put gas in my tank
But the screen showed no numbers, just blank.
Then my credit card stuck
’Til a tourist (such luck!)
Pulled it out – all it took was a Yank.
Steve Whitred:
Once again in the hoosegow or tank.
How I got here is somewhat a blank.
But I know that in part
I blame René Descartes;
I am and so therefor I drank.
Sue Dulley, for her “Atheist’s Lament”
I’ve plenty of gas in the tank
Of my car, and some cash in the bank;
Some fabric for stitchin’,
And food in the kitchen
But no idea whom I should thank.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (VEGETABLE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“I am sick of my vegetable diet,”
The bimbo complained. “I don’t buy it –
It’s protein I need!”
And her doctor agreed:
“Just blow me, and I can supply it.”
Suzanne Heymann:
Why can’t vegetables taste more like candy?
Why, that sure would be dandy and handy!
If I pull a few strings,
Let us see what that brings –
I’ll just cook the damn things in some brandy!
Dave Johnson:
Organic is better, they say;
For some, there is no other way.
Still, others resist,
It’s not on their list;
They really don’t care what you spray.
Steve Whitred, who says: “Don’t ask how I know.”
With cucumber coitus take care.
Fresh corn cobs and carrots forswear.
Those little zucchinis
Resembling weenies
Or peppers; don’t put ’em up there!
David Reddekopp:
There once was a man from Beirut
Who was paralyzed, deaf, and a mute.
He was also quite gay,
So the bigots would say
“He’s a vegetable, and he’s a fruit.”
Stephen Whitred:
This rumor is true folks, I swear it:
A brand new Vegas line, let me share it.
You can gamble on who
Has the higher IQ.
Is it Tillerson (Rex) or a carrot?
Tim James:
My new diet’s all veggies. I make
The best seaweed and pressed tofu cake.
It’s quite easy to do it:
You have to … oh, screw it!
Won’t someone please make me a steak?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daniel Ari, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Saturday, September 16th, 2017
At long last (after a lengthy wrist surgery-related hiatus) it’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARTY GERENDASY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
It used to be great fun to fly,
Soaring thousands of feet in the sky.
But now flying’s a pain,
So I’ll get there by train.
You can say I’m a well-grounded guy.
Congratulations to JEANINE E. SILVERIO, who wins the Special GARDEN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
In his hut next to Chatterley’s garden,
Lady C made her lover’s cock harden.
Flowers twined round his shaft,
In he thrust – fore and aft
(Which was painful until they put lard in.)
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special DOCTOR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A hospital patient named Phil
Thought he’d give the new intern a thrill.
He hoisted his gown,
And she said with a frown:
“That poor little guy caught a chill.”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SUMMER-FUN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Where to go on vacation? I choose
To go off on a long ocean cruise.
With the news from D.C.,
It’s important to me
To have access to plenty of booze.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CAFFEINE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A guy paid for hookers and blow
’Cause he craved stimulation. And so,
His heart was so stressed
It blew up in his chest.
Use caffeine. It’s the safe way to go.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Dave Johnson, Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GARDENING LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
“They eat all my plants,” my wife wails,
And leave horrible slithery trails!”
Though the bindweed’s a pain,
I am hoping to train
It to strangle those pestilent snails.
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOCTOR LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
Oh, how I do wish I could train
My MD to be kind and not vain!
Why is it that vets
Who look after our pets
Are gentler and far more humane?
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SUMMER FUN LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOCTOR LIMERICKS)
Dave Johnson:
Young lovers were taking a chance
In the woods for some outdoor romance.
The location they chose
For doffing their clothes
Had lots of green three-leafy plants.
The result was a terrible mess;
A dilemma they had to confess.
Poison Oak left its traces
In various places
Physicians would have to address.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRAIN” RHYME DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
In a formal, she thought she could “pass”
And convince her new date she had class —
But it all proved in vain
When she tripped on her train,
Tore her skirt, and revealed her sad ass.
Dave Johnson:
Refusing to fly in a plane,
They boarded a cross-country train.
As it rolled through the states,
They had meals on real plates
And arrived both refreshed and still sane.
Brian Allgar:
He discovered it’s wise to abstain
From blowjobs while flying a plane;
When turbulence hit,
He was violently bit.
The ex-pilot’s now driving a train.
Marty Gerendasy:
Makes no difference how hard I might train,
My old dog won’t go out in the rain.
She’ll start out and then stop
When she sees that first drop.
Which explains why the rug has a stain.
Dave Johnson:
Pelosi and Schumer will train
Their sights on a deal to remain
In the loop and survive;
As they manage to drive
McConnell and Ryan insane.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GARDENING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Judith H. Block:
A rake who could make women glow
Took up gardening, started to sow,
And was rather amused
That his friend was confused
When he said that he wanted a hoe.
Dave Johnson:
Here’s gardening tip Number One:
Make sure all the implements run.
If your tiller goes down,
Don’t grumble and frown;
A go with a hoe might be fun.
Tim James:
He dons a large hat and his jeans,
Then heads out to attend to his greens.
But his veggies all die
And it’s obvious why:
About gard’ning he doesn’t know beans.
Kirk Miller:
“I’ve been hoeing the garden,” said Kirk.
“It’s important that I never shirk
This foundational task.”
“It’s important?” you ask.
“Well of course, it is groundbreaking work.”
Brian Allgar:
A garden enthusiast, Fred,
Dismembered his wife in the shed
With a circular saw,
Then his mother-in-law,
And planted them both in the bed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOCTOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
You’re hoping the surgeon you’re stuck with
Is someone you won’t need to muck with.
If the doc leaves you worse’n
You thought, and you’re cursin’,
He picked the wrong person to fuck with!
Brian Allgar:
My doctor is sadly now late;
The booze and the cigs sealed his fate.
Oh, what was he thinking,
The smoking and drinking?
He’d only just turned ninety-eight.
Dave Johnson’s “Scenes from a medical convention:”
Podiatrists rise to their feet;
Cardiologists won’t skip a beat.
A surgeon explains
His practice takes brains;
Proctologists grab a rear seat.
David Reddekopp:
Trump’s cabinet takes his directions.
His party? It makes no objections.
But what’s really a laugh
Is the doctors on staff
Only know how to doctor elections.
Dave Johnson:
When Donald Trump’s angry and bitter,
His answer is whining on Twitter.
Some doctors would say
“He’s just wired that way…”
I’d say he requires a sitter.
Tim James:
Said the doctor to Madeleine Kane:
“Fits of anger you need to restrain.
It’s a pain in the rump
Watching Fox fluffing Trump.
Punch your screen, though? Next time, please refrain.”
David Reddekopp:
To a crummy old clinic she’d come.
Said the doctor: “What’s wrong? You look glum.”
But the last word was missed
When she said, “My bum wrist.”
And the doctor then checked out her bum.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SUMMER FUN LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
A beach in the summer can be
One place to feel totally free.
But some show their wrongs
In Speedos and thongs;
We try, but just cannot unsee.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Jeanine Silverio, Judith H. Block, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 3 Comments »
Saturday, June 24th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Every Brave and his tribe had to waive
All the rights to the land that they’d crave.
So I hope that you see
It’s the land of the free,
But no longer the home of the Brave.
Congratulations to MARTY GERENDASY, who wins the Special Graduation-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Best of luck to the new group of grads!
What a fine bunch of lassies and lads.
May they all have success
As they clean up the mess
That was left by their moms and their dads!
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
They thought he was safe in his grave,
The liar, the traitor, the knave.
But they heard a faint moan,
And the soil was upthrown
As a tiny hand started to wave.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Marty Gerendasy, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Hildy Zampella, Byron Miller, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WAVE/WAIVE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
He’d come on to her hard at the rave
When she’d flashed him a wink and a wave.
But he started to freak
When they danced cheek to cheek
‘Cause the “gal” was in need of a shave.
Marty Gerendasy:
With a wink and a smile and a wave
She could make any guy misbehave.
And she’d always defend
Her attempts to befriend.
“I’m just giving the boys what they crave.”
Fred Bortz:
“Does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er our country, the Home of the Brave?
Is our nation still free?”
Wonders Francis Scott Key,
As our forefathers roll in the grave.
Dave Johnson:
Now Trump is refusing to save
Our earth from the sun’s early grave.
So dumb, he can’t see
Mar-a-Lago will be
A House with a permanent wave.
Suzanne Heymann:
His long beard had the kinkiest wave,
And his wife asked, “Dear, why don’t you shave?
At least use some shampoo
To remove all the goo
No more nooky if you don’t behave!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRADUATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Congrats to the grads! It’s your day!
Let all that you’ve learned light your way!
Now the world looks to you!
To your own self be true,
On this National Day of Cliché.
Hildy Zampella:
Oh good heavens we just got one more!
Graduation announcements galore!
At last count, twenty three.
Will I ever be free
From this card-buying, check-writing chore?
Byron Miller:
If Trump ever speaks to the nation,
To state how he loves education,
The vacuous coot
Will expect a salute
For his primary school graduation.
Dave Johnson:
The valedictorian’s talk,
That proud “Pomp and Circumstance” walk;
Hooray for the grads!
While mothers and dads
Think “How do we get out of hock?”
Fred Bortz:
He may have been last in his class,
The one who just managed to pass,
But be careful. Don’t mock
When you visit that doc
With the proctoscope shoved up your ass.
David Reddekopp:
We’re all graduates. Everyone passes!
Though we sleepwalked through all of our classes,
As the final bell rings
We’ve not learned any things.
Now we’re out in the world – on our asses!
Dave Johnson:
Today should be happy, not sad;
You gained a lot more than you had.
Hard lessons were learned
For the title you’ve earned:
A Trump University grad!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Hildy Zampella, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (280)
Saturday, April 29th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BOB KILLIAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
POST NO BILLS was the sign I found queer;
I was mailing no beaks, that was clear.
Said the cop, “Understand,
It’s your gluepot that’s banned,
This here ad’s what you cannot add here.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Temptation-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“The casino,” she said, “will be fun;
I could just play one round and be done…”
And she won — thirty grand! —
But lost all, the next hand.
That’s temptation. You can’t stop at “won.”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
On a tour of St. Peter’s in Rome,
Van Gogh told the guide in the Dome:
“Roman friend, I can’t hear;
Could you lend me your ear?
I seem to have left mine at home.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Ryan Tilley, Jesse Frankovich, Richard Campbell, Byron Ives, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HEAR/HERE/ADHERE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEMPTATION LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy:
With a wink and a smile, he said “Dear,
Don’t be nervous, come on over here.”
He was one of those guys
Gals avoid if they’re wise,
’Cause that sweet smile was really a leer.
Judith H. Block:
There once was a guy without peer,
Who drove his gal wild, so I hear.
With his tongue, very skilled,
All her needs were fulfilled.
And I don’t mean he tickled her ear.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAR/HERE/ADHERE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
“What’s a lim’rick?” I asked, not quite clear
On the form or its rules. ’Twould appear
It’s a verse of five lines
Wrought by dark, twisted minds —
Which I’ve gathered by hanging out here.
David Reddekopp:
A healer I saw on TV
Could heal by a simple decree.
He’s a man without peer,
He would make the blind hear,
And would also cause deaf men to see.
Dave Johnson’s “FOX News internal memo”
You ladies have nothing to fear;
O’Reilly is no longer here.
Now Roger and Bill
Have been fired, but still –
Looking sexy will help your career.
Will T. Laughlin:
He stared at the sign. YOU ARE HERE,
Said the map.
Then he started in fear,
As the words by the dot
Changed to: NO, YOU ARE NOT.
Not a soul saw the man disappear.
Brian Allgar:
This cling film* is useless, I fear.
It will stick to itself, that is clear;
To my fingers it’s glued,
But to plates full of food
The stuff simply will not adhere.
*British term for plastic wrap
Ryan Tilley:
My Alexa is finally here.
She can answer my questions with cheer,
And her limericks bite
With a meter that’s tight,
But I use her to order a beer!
Jesse Frankovich:
Richard’s doctor, quite shocked, said, “Oh, dear!
There’s a burrowing rodent in here!
And to make matters worse,
It won’t move in reverse.
Seems the gerbil is stuck in this Gere.”
Tim James:
Being president’s hard, it’s now clear,
And Trump yearns for his former career.
Our Dear Leader’s a mope.
But at least there’s some hope:
After one hundred days … we’re still here.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEMPTATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
“Eat this apple,” encouraged the Snake;
“It’s a boring Commandment to break,
But believe me, my dears —
In a few thousand years,
You’ll be sinning with chocolate cake!”
Tim James:
St. Augustine started to pray
When he saw a fine babe on display.
“Fornication’s a sin;
But that bod, for the win!
Make me chaste, Lord — just, please, not today.”
Richard Campbell:
Her assets were clearly defined,
And to miss them I’d have to be blind.
“Could I tempt you, my pet?
A night NOT to forget?”
The Mace was a clue she’d declined.
Will T. Laughlin:
I want to — but really, I shouldn’t.
I oughtn’t. Believe me, I wouldn’t.
I mustn’t. I can’t;
No, I certainly shan’t…
(I just did it). How could I? I couldn’t.
Byron Ives:
She flashed ample cleavage to Keith,
And he longed for what beckoned beneath.
Then a look from his wife
Convinced him that life
Would remain much more pleasant with teeth.
David Reddekopp:
There once was a quiet young birder,
Who snapped and she shot and they heard her;
From her head to her toes
Came the pecking of crows.
She should not have, uh, tempted a murder.
Dave Johnson
A rancher’s hot daughter from Brewster
Was swayed when a cowboy seduced her.
They rolled in the hay,
Then he went on his way;
The only cock left was a rooster.
Suzanne Heymann:
Please don’t leadeth me into temptation.
I can findeth it, don’t need salvation.
I’ve been given false hope
From the priest to the pope
For as long as they grope God’s creation.
So I think I can cope with “damnation”
Just for living a life of elation.
Since the days of my youth
I have searched, found the truth
With the fire of a sleuth’s dedication.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Killian, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Jesse Frankovich, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Richard Campbell, Ryan Tilley, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 15th, 2017
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a ERROL NIMBLY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
At noon, if you see us drift by,
In my hot air balloon on the fly,
I’ll be serving a luncheon.
It’s quiche we’ll be munchin’.
We’re eating a pie in the sky.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Clumsiness-Themed Limerick Award for this PAIR of funny limericks. Please note that this is a 2-in-1 limerick. One limerick is centered and in bold, and the other is in italics, half to the left and half to the right of his bold-faced limerick.
You idiot! WatchI’m a klutz. But I’m truly contrite, where you’re going!
I believe an apoSo I’ll hide on this Limerick site.logy’s owing,
You oaf. You’ve Since the writers are agile, reversed
Into where I verAnd nothing here’s fragilesed first…
Now this limeriI can’t damage anything — right?ck’s wrecked, and needs towing.
Congratulations to JESSE FRANKOVICH, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this “acrostic” limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Kicked a table and let out a yell;
Lost my balance and awkwardly fell.
Unaware it was there,
Thumped my head on a chair.
Zapped myself with a taser, as well!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Suzanne Heymann, Kathleen Bartoletti, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Jeanine Silverio, Jesse Frankovich, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Sharon Neeman, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “Buy/Bye/By/Bi” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CLUMSINESS LIMERICKS)
Suzanne Heymann:
If you think you are smooth when you bellow,
Just remember, you really are yellow.
You’re a scared, clumsy guy.
You think ‘tough’ gets you by.
You’re a bull-in-a-china-shop fellow!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Buy/Bye/By/Bi” RHYME DIVISION)
Kathleen Bartoletti:
He said crossly, “My throat’s going dry,
Come on, Kathy, it’s your turn to buy;”
But while quaffing his Bud
He fell down in the mud,
So I toasted, “Here’s mud in your eye!”
Brian Allgar:
They sneered when I said I would buy
A fat pig, and then teach it to fly.
“Are you crazy?” they laughed,
“Pigs with wings? Are you daft?”
I pointed to Trump, flying high.
Marty Gerendasy:
There was a young lady named Vi
Who was proudly and openly bi.
So she wasn’t upset
When the man that she met
Confessed that he wasn’t a guy.
Jeanine Silverio:
She said with a sad heartfelt sigh:
“I just have to ask ‘Are you bi?’”
I took in those lips
And incredible hips
And I told her, “You’ve just turned me ‘try.’”
Jesse Frankovich:
When the love of my life said goodbye,
For a while I did little but cry.
Then I longed for a do
With a new style and hue—
I just wanted to curl up and dye.
Fred Bortz:
He’ll sleep with a gal or a guy,
And he’ll pay to escape when they try
His case in the court,
Saying “Judge, be a sport.
Let this guy who is bi buy a bye.”
Tim James, for his A Christian’s Lament:
I think that I’ll now say goodbye
To my boss, who’s a miserable guy.
All my colleagues at work
Said “Shove off!” to this jerk.
And the name of the dude? William Bligh.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLUMSINESS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
An airline showed clumsy PR.
And their customer service? Bizarre.
If you’re not in first class,
They just might kick your ass.
If you’re not into pain, go by car.
Konrad Schwoerke:
There once was a charmer named Ed
Who could get any babe into bed.
Was he accident-prone
With these chicks he would bone?
’Cause I heard he kept knocking ’em dead.
David Reddekopp:
There once was a man from Dubai
Who gave Kama Sutra a try.
With creative coitions
And parlous positions,
He managed to poke out an eye.
Sharon Neeman:
My very first date was a klutz!
He would fidget and fumble and futz,
And while walking and joking
Where people were smoking,
He’d always bump into their butts.
Will T. Laughlin:
He was awkward, and trembled with fear
As he tried to unhook her brassiere.
Soon her straps got so mangled
And twisted and tangled
They’d baffle a trained engineer.
He wrestled and pulled, but his fits
Just further entangled his mitts.
So she fought him, and struck him…
But though she’s unstuck him,
I fear he’s rotated her tits.
Byron Ives:
Of her dressmaking skills she had doubt.
“I sew like an oaf!” she would pout.
Her hubby said, “Chill,
It’s a cheap piece of twill,
And nothing worth hemming about.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Byron Miller, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Jeanine Silverio, Jesse Frankovich, Kathleen Bartoletti, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 4 Comments »
