The oatmeal you served me was stale!
And my dinner? How dare you serve kale!
The meals here don’t thrill me.
You trying to kill me?
Better not, or I’ll see you in jail!
*****
(National Kale Day falls on the first Wednesday of October.)
Posts Tagged ‘Crime & Punishment Humor’
Persnickety Patron (Limerick)
Wednesday, October 5th, 2022The Incompetent Felon (Limerick)
Wednesday, May 18th, 2022A would-be attacker named Bill
Is disguised and in black, but lacks skill:
He trips on his way
To assaulting his prey.
Though inept he’s, at least, dressed to kill.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WIRE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 28, 2022) NOTE: DON’T MISS THE EXTRA, EXPERIMENTAL LIMERICK CHALLENGE!
Saturday, May 14th, 2022It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WIRE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WATER, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WATER-related limerick.
And if all that isn’t enough, I’m adding an EXTRA, EXPERIMENTAL LIMERICK CHALLENGE TODAY! If it works out well, it may become an occasional, or perhaps even a regular Limerick-Off feature:
I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, THINK.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 29, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 28, 2022, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my WIRE-rhyme limerick:
This disbursement is urgent. It’s dire!
If it’s late, there’s no quelling the ire
Of a violent man
With a life-or-death plan.
Send it pronto. It’s down to the wire.
Here’s my WATER-themed limerick:
“The first time I jogged wasn’t fun.
I was parched when I’d barely begun;
I’d forgotten to heed
The “must bring water” creed
So, alas, ’twas a dreadful dry run.”
And here is my own RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:
I think that my arrogant boss
Should retire already. No loss
Would be felt by his staff
We would all simply laugh,
Throw a party and roast him with sauce.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DEEDS or MISDEEDS) at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 14, 2022)
Saturday, April 30th, 2022It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DEEDS or MISDEEDS at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to INVENTIONS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best INVENTION-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 15, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 14, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my DEEDS or MISDEEDS-rhyme limerick:
A bomber (uncaught) is aghast:
He’d been certain his freedom would last.
But some fresh cold-case leads
To his evil misdeeds
Mean a trial for a blast from the past.
And here’s my INVENTIONS-themed limerick:
When informed his design was unsound,
An inventor’s distress was profound:
“The unfairness is blatant!
Their bias is patent!
My grinder has broken new ground!”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
More Idiom Madness (Limerick)
Monday, March 21st, 2022This is what happens when I play with idioms:
“Your home sale is under suspension,”
Read the notice, provoking dissension.
“Human bones have been found
In your yard, underground,
And those bones are the bone of contention.”
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: December 11, 2021)
Saturday, November 27th, 2021It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CRIME, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CRIME-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 12, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 11, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my CRUDE/CREWED/ACCRUED-rhyme limerick:
A comic was starting to freak
Cuz his comedy future looked bleak.
He turned morbid and crude
And increasingly lewd,
And was panned cuz he joked a blue streak.
And here’s my CRIME-themed limerick:
Said the sous-chef, “Don’t make me relive
The attack that killed chef/owner Viv.
I’m exhausted and drained,
And my recall has waned…
Cuz my mem’ry is much like a sieve.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Is There Anything Men Won’t Have Sex With? (Limerick)
Tuesday, October 20th, 2015Here’s something that just doesn’t track:
Having sex with a tractor is whack!
But a Brit was arrested.
His crime? He molested
Deere rears, which must now watch their back.
Limerick Ode To A Stupid Criminal
Sunday, August 30th, 2015My limerick was inspired by this news story: “Florida ex-con gives cops fake name that turns up arrest warrant.”
If you give a fake name to a cop
To disguise your ex-con-ness, don’t swap
Your bad name for another
Felonious brother…
Else you’re headed for prison — chop-chop.
A Bugged Plaintiff (Limerick)
Wednesday, June 17th, 2015A Bugged Plaintiff (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Madame Blanche filed a claim with the court,
A complaint for intentional tort:
“As plainly depicted
Distress was inflicted–
My old spouse should by now be quite mort.”
A “Really Big Shew” Of A Crime (Limerick)
Saturday, October 4th, 2014A “Really Big Shew” of A Crime (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A crisis had come to a head
And a torso and legs. Tears were shed,
Cuz some soon-to-be cons
Stole Ed Sullivan’s bronze.
But don’t fret — they’ve reclaimed AWOL Ed.
Yes, Ed Sullivan fans can breathe sighs of relief: “Los Angeles police have found the missing bronze statue of the renowned American TV personality, four days after it was stolen from the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences.”
A Lemon Of A Crime (Limerick)
Wednesday, September 17th, 2014A Seattle Crime Report: A man walked into a KFC and hurled a round, yellow, $5.19 KFC-brand lemon cake at store employees. Then he walked out, without hitting any of the workers.
A Lemon Of A Crime (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear assaulter, I must ask you why
You went into a store and let fly
With a KFC cake.
That’s a half-baked mistake…
Cuz the weapon of choice is a pie.
Limerick Nest (Limerick-Off Monday)
Saturday, August 23rd, 2014NOTE: THIS IS A TWO-WEEK LIMERICK-OFF. LIMERICK SUBMISSION DEADLINE IS SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2014 at 10 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
Please note that due to the Labor Day holiday, this Limerick-Off will run for two weeks, instead of one. So I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner two weeks from today, on SEPTEMBER 7, 2014, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full two weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 6, 2014 at 10 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
And since you’ll have two weeks, I’m offering you a topical alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to Labor Day or any other September holiday, using any first line. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best holiday-related limerick.
And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge, I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman discovered a nest…*
or
Our children are back in the nest…*
or
All our kids have at last flown the nest…*
or
A fellow had feathered his nest…*
or
It’s best not to foul your own nest…*
or
There’s a syndrome that’s called “empty nest…”*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Nest
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A zoo-keeper feathered his nest.
At theft he was one of the best.
He was cagey and knew
Not to crow to his crew.
Getting caught’s for the birds, he’d assessed.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Open Limerick To Facebook Fanatics
Saturday, August 2nd, 2014Open Limerick To Facebook Fanatics
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Facebook fanatics, I know
That an outage on Facebook’s a blow.
But a crisis that small
Doesn’t call for a call
To the cops. Grab a beer or Bordeaux.
(Inspired by the lunatics who called 911 lines Friday during Facebook’s half-hour outage.)
Happy “Nude Day!” (July 14)
Monday, July 14th, 2014Limerick Ode To “Nude Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A gal likes to publicly doff
All her clothing, then pose to show off.
“It’s a strip search time-saver
I did you a favor,”
When jailed, she’ll transparently scoff.
A Rhyme To The Wise (2-Verse Limerick)
Friday, June 6th, 2014A Rhyme To The Wise (2-Verse Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A scrappy young felon liked rhyme,
So he promised himself — no more crime.
He’d instead be a rapper.
But here is the capper:
His “confessional tunes” got him time.
So limerick writers, take heed.
Your rhymes may be next. They could feed
A detective’s suspicions,
Who deems them admissions.
Then indictment — your verse his first lead.
Note: Legal experts are currently debating the surprisingly widespread use of rap lyrics in criminal cases.
Blame Game (Limerick)
Thursday, April 10th, 2014Blame Game (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A guy who was rather a stoner
Was pulled over and uttered this groaner:
“That jalopy was stole
“By me, so this bowl
“Of hash must belong to the owner.”
Note from Mad Kane: My limerick was inspired by this news headline: That’s not my pot; I stole the car, says Jay man.
