Posts Tagged ‘Colleen Murphy’
Sunday, July 14th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to CRAIG DYKSTRA, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
“I am telling you, Brother Jabbar,
As a terrorist you will go far.
Simply put on this vest,
We’ll take care of the rest.”
They found bits of Jabbar in Qatar.
Congratulations to both IRA BLOOM and EDMUND CONTI, who in a tie, each win a Facebook Friends’ Choice Award, given to limericks receiving the most Facebook “likes.”
Ira Bloom:
A pirate walked into a bar,
After pillaging towns near and far.
“Are you here for a raid?”
Asked a buxom barmaid.
“Nay, me wench,” he said, “just arrr and arrr.”
Edmund Conti:
A rabbi walks into a bar
With a priest and an old commissar,
A Hindu, of course,
Plus a man on a horse–
Damn! There goes my whole repertoire.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Jim Delaney, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Scott Crowder:
A fellow who works at a bar
Has proved himself quite under par.
He doesn’t know Jack,
His White Russians are black,
And he thinks Cabernet is a car.
Jim Delaney:
This young fellow, though called to the bar,
As an advocate isn’t a star.
In the courtroom he stands
In his wig and his bands,
While his clients wear feathers and tar.
Colleen Murphy:
A man bellied up to the bar,
But could push in his stool just so far.
From a lifetime of beers,
The man’s belly appears
Like the roof of a Volkswagen car.
Jon Gearhart:
A dancer who stretched at the barre,
Once stretched just a little too far.
You can tell cause he walks
With a limp, and he talks
Twice higher than Pat Benatar.
Tim James:
A waitress who worked in a bar
With drunken old letches would spar.
She said, “This is so not
What I planned when I got
My art hist’ry degree from Bryn Mawr.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Edmund Conti, Ira Bloom, Jim Delaney, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 9 Comments »
Sunday, July 7th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
You could plead, if you sat on the board
Of GM or Chrysler or Ford,
That they set as their bar
A dependable car,
But you never would reach an Accord.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
As a bride, Mrs Milton was bored.
To her dear husband John she implored:
“You wrote Paradise Lost.”
Then her legs she uncrossed.
“Now find paradise yet unexplored.”
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, sometimes given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
One day, when King Alfred was bored,
He put down his scepter and sword.
Forthwith the King called
To Bard Bertram the Bald:
“Soothe my soul with a comforting chord!”
The Bard began singing his song,
And the comforted King hummed along…
‘Til a jealous vizier
Whispered into his ear,
“Oh, Your Majesty! Something is wrong!”
“A rumor I’ve heard — a humdinger –
Says that Bertram is really a ringer!”
He continued, “I’ve heard
In his beard is a bird,
And the bird (not the Bard) is the singer!”
Cried King Alfred, “How thoroughly weird…
A Bard with a bird in his beard!”
So he gave a command
To the men close at hand
That the Bard should be taken and sheared.
Poor Bertram. It soon came to pass
That they shaved his face smoother than glass.
But the story absurd
Of the bearded Bard’s bird
Was just so much chin-music, alas.
Once Bertram was shaven, the King
Knew he’d done a regrettable thing.
The King had been careless,
And Bertram (the Hairless)
Was never again heard to sing.
So here is the moral, milord:
It’s a lesson that can’t be ignored.
If your Bard has a bird
In his beard, mum’s the word…
Or you’ll end up eternally bored.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, Ailsa McKillop, Sue Dulley, and Madeleine Sara Maddocks. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Craig Dykstra:
The newlyweds never got bored.
The bride often found herself floored.
And sofa’d, and bedded,
And dining room setted,
And once got mahogany doored.
Fred Bortz:
He insists, “No, my dear, I’m not bored.
In fact, I would say that I scored.”
She replies, “I’ve concluded
You must be deluded.
In less than a minute, you snored.”
Will T. Laughlin:
One day, when Jehovah was bored,
Deep shit on his servant he poured.
Cried Job, in his pain,
“I don’t mean to complain,
But you need a new hobby, O Lord!”
Colleen Murphy:
The newlywed said he was bored.
His statement could not be ignored.
The fellow, in truth,
Had wed Dr. Ruth.
She preached what she could not accord.
Ailsa McKillop:
Oh, I was so heartily bored!
As each actor received their award,
Such thespian gush
Heard in reverent hush—
Take me now, if it pleases you, Lord!
Sue Dulley:
In England, “I’m bawd” means they’re bored,
And when the tea’s “pawed” it’s been poured.
They only say R’s
That aren’t there (Mar and Pa’s).
If you told them that’s flawed, they’d be floored.
Madeleine Maddocks:
A woman felt terribly bored
By each conquest she entered and scored.
On a scale one to ten,
She would judge all her men
With a zero for any who snored!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Jamie Hutchinson, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Madeleine Sara Maddocks, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 9 Comments »
Saturday, June 29th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A peeping Venetian was fined,
So he hired a lawyer who whined:
“Your honor, that maid
Had adjusted her shade–
In effect, the Venetian was blind!”
Congratulations to Scott Crowder, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A fellow was trying to find
Why bigots can be so unkind.
It doesn’t take glasses
To see those big asses
Are more than a little behind.
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a Limerick Saga Award:
Mr. Rencible came home to find
His wife and his best friend entwined–
Man’s Best Friend, I should say,
An enormous Shar-Pei–
And the sight of it troubled his mind.
“Please stop it,” cried poor Mr. Rencible;
“Bestiality’s quite indefensible.
Oh, why go to hell
For a sin you can’t spell?
My darling, it just isn’t sensible!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Ailsa McKillop, Steve Whitred,
Tim James, and Danielle Nowlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Colleen Murphy:
I frequently wish I could find
The thoughts I have stored in my mind,
But when I hit play
Each thought’s gone away.
What I need is a stop and rewind.
Craig Dykstra:
“You got banned from the dance club and fined?
For tardiness? Why would they mind?”
“No, you misunderstand me–
I said that they banned me
For feeling a little behind.”
Ailsa McKillop:
A woman was thrilled with her find–
A skirt of pure silk, fully lined!
In the thrift shop—dirt cheap!
But oh, she could weep–
‘Twas unflatt’ring, when viewed from behind.
Steve Whitred:
Quite often her fingers would find
There’s a spot where the sun rarely shined,
And she might have got blisters
If not that the sisters
Had warned her, “It makes you go blind.”
Tim James:
A woman was angered to find
When driving, and hit from behind,
That the shock of the bump
Made her breast implants jump.
So now her front end’s misaligned.
Danielle Nowlin:
A girl on an airplane did find
She was feeling quite tightly confined.
She asked, “Sir, could you sit
With your seat up a bit?”
Said he rudely, “I’m not too inclined.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Danielle Nowlin, Jamie Hutchinson, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 8 Comments »
Sunday, June 23rd, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:
In £ondon, a bill is a pound,
While in France, it’s the €uro that’s found.
Here in U. S. of A,
The dollar holds $way.
Whirled trade makes the money-go-round.
Congratulations to J Cosmo Newbery, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A professor would often expound
A theory, long proven unsound.
He thought a man oughta
Swim well underwater.
But sadly, in trying, he drowned.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Jeff Shirley, Bruce Niedt, Steve Whitred, Fred Bortz, Danielle Nowlin, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Colleen Murphy:
With fists on the table I’ll pound.
I’ll stomp both my feet on the ground.
If you’re feeling the blues
From my terrible twos,
Just wait til my threes come around!
Jeff Shirley:
A woman who spent her last pound
Bought a plaything to tickle her mound.
When the batteries failed
“La Dee Da,” she exhaled.
“For the milkman will soon be around.”
Bruce Niedt:
A woman who lost just a pound
Looked down at her scale and then frowned.
So she quit diet planning,
Instead took up tanning–
She’s still fat, but she’s evenly browned.
Steve Whitred:
They gave the poor headboard a pound,
And the mattress collapsed to the ground.
Though they practiced safe sex
On the porch and the decks,
In the bathtub they both nearly drowned.
Fred Bortz:
If baloney is sold by the pound,
Then the costliest radio sound
Is political patter
Where facts never matter
And untruths and falsehoods abound.
Danielle Nowlin:
My professor would often expound
On deep thoughts as he roamed far around.
He declaimed as he moved,
But digressed and he proved
You can get a prof lost who’s profound.
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
The penis is barely a pound,
And typic’ly just hangs around,
But with help from tumescence
It gives of one’s essence,
A process for which it’s renowned.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bruce Niedt, Colleen Murphy, Danielle Nowlin, David Lefkovits, Fred Bortz, J Cosmo Newbery, Jeff Shirley, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 6 Comments »
Sunday, June 9th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Robert Schechter, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
In Montana, a man with a suit
Is laughed at. They think he’s a hoot!
And they holler with glee
If by chance they should see
That he’s wearing a necktie to Butte.
Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
My neighbor was filing a suit,
Claimed I’d sealed up the holes in his flute.
So I entered a plea,
“With the charge I agree,
But it sounds so much better on mute.”
Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick. (Here’s some info about the case Steve’s describing in his limerick.)
My fav’rite Nebraskan filed suit
Against God, with intent to impute
That he caused to transpire
Floods, earthquakes and fire.
For his part, the Yahweh was mute.
The judge promptly threw out the suit,
Saying God had no street or rur’l route,
And the bench then observed
Though the lord must be served,
“We’ve no viable means of pursuit.”
So the plaintiff’s appealing the suit,
Says “The grounds for dismissal are moot.
We’re subpoena foregoing.
Jehovah’s all knowing.
We shouldn’t his presence dispute.”
Then the high court vacated his suit,
Though the brief they reviewed was astute.
Now he’s known as the hater
Who sued the Creator
From Oshkosh to Lincoln to Butte.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Johanna Richmond, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Scott Crowder:
If you see me dressed up in a suit
And looking refined and astute,
With pants neatly creased,
I must be deceased,
In which case I won’t give a hoot.
Colleen Murphy:
A tomato was filing a suit,
Claimed the farmer had called him a “Fruit.”
The judge said, “True ref’rence,
Though not as to pref’rence.
The point of the matter is moot.”
Johanna Richmond:
No matter the price of the suit;
When that back-talking Maximus (Glute)
Throws his cares to the wind,
Rich and poor are chagrined.
Mighty mouth of the south, I salute.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A Senator wearing a suit
Was a right wing, religious old coot.
He’d profess, “Guns don’t kill!
But if you’ve got some skill,
When a thug comes around, you should shoot!”
Sue Dulley:
A man all dressed up in a suit
Caught the train for his morning commute.
His outfit, so formal,
Was looked on as normal
By others who took the same route.
Robert Schechter:
Said a man who was hit by a suit:
“I suppose I was far from astute.
I taunted, ‘So sue me!’
He did. Now I’m gloomy.
It’s wiser, at times, to stand mute.”
Will T. Laughlin:
Our limerick rhyme-word is “suit”:
Here’s the worst one — and that’s absolute.
It’s intended in fun,
So I beg: when I’m done,
Would you kindly not hurl rotten fruit?
I’m told that some Hollywood suit
Pitched a biopic: “Hawley and Smoot”.
Smoot never would bend
To the Hollywood trend,
But Hawley would. Ain’t THAT a beaut?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Colleen Murphy, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Sunday, June 2nd, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Kirk Miller, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
As you age you may feel rather ill,
But your life needn’t lack for a thrill.
Here’s a message that’s true:
Just remember that you
Pick up speed when you’re going down hill.
Congratulations to Ailsa McKillop, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Ailsa McKillop:
A gal who was feeling quite ill
Said bravely, “I just have a chill.”
But the cause of malaise
Was one Nature obeys
When a woman forgets just one Pill.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Sue Dulley, Scott Crowder, Fred Bortz, John Peter Larkin, Colleen Murphy, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
A man who was frequently ill
Was told to eat plenty of krill
Which his doctor, a shark,
Had prescribed as a lark,
Then sent him a whale of a bill.
Byron Miller:
Tis a good wind which blows one no ill
That will swirl ‘neath girls’ dresses and thrill
Passing gents with a peek
At the regions they seek,
Lifting hopes which they long to fulfill.
Sue Dulley:
North Koreans once had Kim Jong-il
Rule their land with his powerful will.
Now it falls to his son,
Who is named Kim Jong-un,
His father’s large flip-flops to fill.
Scott Crowder:
A woman was feeling quite ill
At the thought of that five dollar bill
In the crack of her butt;
She becomes such a slut
When Tequila determines her will.
Fred Bortz:
The mallard was feeling quite ill
So the duck doctor gave him a pill.
But the bird blew his stack,
‘Cause the doc was a quack
And charged him a wing and a bill.
John Peter Larkin:
A gal was convinced she was ill
After eating an off-tasting dill.
She asked her poor spouse
Why he’s still in the house
And not fetching a curative pill.
Colleen Murphy:
A drunkard was feeling quite ill
After reading his credit card bill.
“On the first of September
The flight I remember,
But not where I spent half a mil!”
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
A woman was suddenly ill
When she glanced at the theater’s playbill,
And found it quite odd;
She’d reserved Sweeney Todd,
But the Barber was now in Seville.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Byron Miller, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Fred Bortz, John Peter Larkin, Kirk Miller, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Scott Crowder, Sue Dulley, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest Filed under Contests
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 9 Comments »
Sunday, May 26th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ANN MARTIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A philosopher covered in ink
Claimed “I know I exist ’cause I think,”
But René was so grubby
His wife told her hubby,
“I know you exist, ’cause you stink.”
Ann Martin’s philosophy limerick is also in a tie with this funny limerick by SUE DULLEY to jointly win the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:
My fountain pen’s run out of ink,
My VCR’s gone on the blink.
I think one fine day
I’ll just sail away
And pray that my raft doesn’t sink.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Will T. Laughlin, Fred Bortz, Johanna Richmond, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Colleen Murphy:
We’re anxiously watching the ink
In hopes it confirms what we think.
We erupt into cheers
When the plus sign appears.
Now’s the question of blue or of pink.
Will T. Laughlin:
I’m changing my name to “Will, Inc.”
As a corporate person, I think
I can do as I please:
Pay no taxes or fees,
And take dumps in the water you drink.
Fred Bortz:
A limerick written in ink
Requires the writer to think.
If instead, he just scribbles
There’s bound to be quibbles:
Both meter and rhyming will stink.
Johanna Richmond:
I devoted today’s bit of ink
To that well-endowed, trash-tweeting fink
Who, OK, likes to sext,
But maintains he’s the next
Mayor Koch (squeeze an “r” in, wink, wink).
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A woman was trying to ink
A diet to make people shrink.
But this was a dream
For her love of ice cream
Meant without it she just could not think!
Tim James:
The GOP gets lots of ink
As they try with great effort to link
The prez to a scandal
(A job they can’t handle).
Who’s running this crew? Colonel Klink?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ann Martin, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 7 Comments »
Sunday, May 19th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Cap’n Richard, the yacht racing buff,
Courts the ladies with confidence bluff.
But his shame, when he fails,
Takes the wind from his sails…
That’s the trouble with falling in luff.
Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A fanatical fairy tale buff
Was told by his wife, “That’s enough!
I have played as Snow White,
Even Gretel at night,
But I won’t be a billy goat gruff!
Congratulations to Diane Groothuis and Will T. Laughlin, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Diane Groothuis:
The Oxford Shakespearean buff
Thought things in the old times were tough
It seems rather queer
To lend one your ear
Just to bury a king in a huff.
Will T. Laughlin:
What Antony ought to have said
Was: “Please keep your ears on your head.
Digging graves with your ears
Would take days, if not years…
Romans, lend me your shovels instead!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order): Tim James, Colleen Murphy, Steve Whitred, Robert Schechter,
Fred Bortz, Carolyn Henly, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
A wedding night spent in the buff
Turned out for one guy to be rough.
His bride, not well knowing
The concept of “blowing,”
Passed out after one giant puff.
Colleen Murphy:
My pop was a Civil War buff
Who’d dress in his Civil War stuff.
He’d scare ev’ry neighbor
When armed with his saber,
And bringing in boyfriends was tough!
Steve Whitred:
A woman who’d swim in the buff
With the witches, Macbeth, and Macduff,
Felt it just wasn’t cool
With a dog in the pool
And said “Out damn Spot, ‘nough is enough.”
Robert Schechter:
A woman who cooked in the buff
Should have stopped with one cannabis puff.
“The turkey, or me?”
She asked. “Let me see . . .”
Then she chose the wrong creature to stuff.
Fred Bortz:
My bod, which has never been buff,
Or brawny, or sexy, or tough,
Would be a great pain
Were I hopelessly vain,
But I strive and I thrive. That’s enough.
Carolyn Henly:
A pseudo-Shakespearean buff
Found that learning his lines was quite rough.
He got fired one day
From the old Scottish play
‘Cuz he kept saying “Lead on, Macduff!”
David Lefkovits:
When opting to swim in the buff,
One confronts a decision so tough:
Would it be more obscene
To shave oneself clean
Or fearlessly feature one’s fluff?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Carolyn Henly, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Diane Groothuis, Fred Bortz, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 7 Comments »
Sunday, May 5th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The party was starting to hum
On a fishing boat well-stocked with rum,
Till the captain’s friend, drunk,
With the sharks took a dunk.
Now he’s known as the skipper’s best chum.
Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Someone’s limerick made me go hummm…
When I think of a frown on a bum,
My mind goes to farce —
Painted lips on an arse
And a mouth ill-equipped to chew gum.
Congratulations to Steve Whitred and Will T. Laughlin, who jointly win a special Limerick Puzzle/Repartee Award for this limerick exchange, which begins with Steve’s puzzle in multi-verse limerick form and ends with Will’s solution, also in multi-verse limerick form:
Steve Whitred:
So this week when the rhyme word is hum
And I’ve o’er used ‘cum’, ‘dum’, ‘thumb’, and ‘bum’.
A conundrum I’ll pose.
Will you solve it, who knows?
I suspect though, it’s too tough for some.
Now the gears in my head start to hum,
As the clues for this puzzle forth come.
You’ve got 12 coins of gold,
But there’s one that is old.
It’s weight’s off from the rest, by a crumb.
You’ve a scale (not of music to hum).
It’s two pans on a chain, and it’s plumb.
With this scale weigh the gold
‘Till at last you behold
The coin others are different from.
If at this point you’re all thinking hummm…,
Here’s a clue to begin, don’t be glum.
Place some coins in each pan.
If they balance you can
Safely say that it’s not in that scrum.
Since you now see this isn’t ho-hum,
One more thing, please don’t think I’m a bum.
The odd coin may be light
Or just overweight, slight.
And three weighing’s the goal. Good luck chum.
Will T. Laughlin:
Here’s the method that I would employ:
Choose *any* two coins, Steve my boy…
Take one coin (your choice),
Weigh it avoirdupois,
And then measure the other in troy.
No, no: please don’t give me a beating.
I know that this method is cheating.
If you’d rather instead,
I’ll try using my head…
(Quite a change from my usual bleating).
– ahem –
Put six and six pieces of eight
On the scales, and determine their weight.
You’ll notice one side
Slightly higher will ride:
That’s the side we’ll be working with. Great:
Take the coins from the light side, and see
How they measure up, weighed three and three.
Once again you’ll behold
That there’s one tray of gold
Slightly lighter, comparatively.
Now the answer’s so clear it could bite one:
The lighter half must have the right one.
So compare one and one.
If they’re equal, you’re done;
If they’re not, then you just choose the light one.
(You can read Steve’s solution to his own puzzle here in prose form.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Colleen Murphy, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Johanna Richmond, Sue Dulley, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
Beethoven first started to hum
As a child when he still sucked his thumb.
As he crawled on the floor,
He’d come up with a score.
His FIRST tune was “Dot dot dot dum.”
Colleen Murphy:
My brother would constantly hum,
Crack knuckles, blow bubbles, and drum.
Then wonder why dating
Was so darned deflating,
As girlfriends would leave when he’d come.
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
Just as things were beginning to hum,
Along came a fellow so dumb:
He chose a fine cello
With tone sweet and mellow.
With pick he then started to strum.
David Lefkovits:
A fellow would constantly hum
The chorus from “Under My Thumb.”
He said, with a swagger,
“My moves are like Jagger;
Just see how I’m shaking my bum.”
Johanna Richmond:
To the dentist who’d constantly hum
While poking and prodding her gum:
She cried, “Hate to sound sore
But just how much more
Anesthesia would make my ears numb?”
Sue Dulley:
The lobby was starting to hum.
Reporters closed in for the scrum.
But soon all were vexed
When “No comment” and “Next?”
Were the closest to answers they’d come.
Robert Schechter:
My girlfriend would constantly hum
During sex, and it bothered me some.
One day I asked why,
And she said with a sigh,
“I’ll sing you the words when I come.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Robert Schechter, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 7 Comments »
Sunday, April 28th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Les a/k/a Colonialist, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:
An artist who often made scenes
Would paint them on flimsiest screens.
When backdrops were rent,
Cast would then, through the vent,
Cast aspersions while venting their spleens.
Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
An artist was drawing some scenes
Of the countryside down in Orleans.
As he sketched and he drew
He kept sipping some brew,
Which explains why his last subject leans.
Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins a special Limerick Quiz Award, for creating a fun Limerick Movie Quiz out of his series of limericks. (You can find the answers to David’s quiz right after the list of Honorable Mention winning limericks, upside down … just to keep everybody honest.)
This week, when the keyword is “scenes”,
I wanted to break from routines.
Each verse I will use
To throw out some clues;
Try guessing what each of them means!
This silent is loaded with scenes
Of man in the thrall of machines,
And the mystical muse
Who changes the views
Of a rebel who’s born of great means.
This actor was noted for scenes
Of angst-ridden young men and teens.
If he had lived long,
He might have gone on
To become one of Hollywood’s deans.
In this mob movie’s earliest scenes
The specter of lust intervenes
With a gangster whose shlong
Is a few inches long;
In fact, it may be in the teens.
One of the funniest scenes
To blaze across Hollywood screens
Ends up with a din
Like trumpets and wind
And begins with a pot full of beans.
There’s a musical noted for scenes
Of dancing by killer chorines,
Who know of a spot
Where the music is hot,
And the lyrics are not for preteens.
In this movie, two ladies have scenes
Making one of the world’s great cuisines,
But the younger one’s thrown
By Beef Bourguignon,
And breaks down amid her tureens.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Steve Whitred, Bob Dvorak, Ira Bloom, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Will T. Laughlin:
An Irishman likes to make scenes
While wooing the village colleens.
But the girls understand
That his gestures so grand
Mean there’s nothing at all in his jeans.
Steve Whitred:
In Bogey films there are some scenes
Where his shortness of height intervenes,
Like the time when he quipped,
“Ingrid let’s change the script
To a ‘hill’, from a ‘mountain’ of beans.”
Bob Dvorak:
A fellow who often made scenes
In the buff, to be seen on big screens,
Can’t act. When a guy
Out of work asked him why,
He retorted, “It’s all in the genes.”
Ira Bloom:
A fellow who often makes scenes,
As he drinks, stumbles, trips and careens,
With few inhibitions,
Makes rude propositions.
A good thing his wife intervenes.
Sue Dulley:
A youth leader takes in some scenes
With “her girls”, a small group of young teens.
She’s known to have stated,
“No, they’re not related,
Although they all have the same jeans”.
And now, returning to David Lefkovits’ Limerick Movie Quiz, here’s the answer key:
˙ɐıןnɾ & ǝıןnɾ ‘oƃɐɔıɥɔ ‘sǝןppɐs ƃuızɐןq ‘ɹǝɥʇɐɟpoƃ ǝɥʇ ‘uɐǝp sǝɯɐɾ ‘sıןodoɹʇǝɯ
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Colleen Murphy, Colonialist, David Lefkovits, Ira Bloom, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 14 Comments »
Sunday, April 21st, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A chicken quite frequently stews
About stews that to her are bad news:
“There went sister and mother.
I WON’T be another!
If I’m called to be served, I’ll refuse!”
Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
An actor I know often stews
That his videos don’t get more views.
Then he did a drunk dance,
But forgot to wear pants–
Now he’s featured on CNN News.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Kevin Ahern, Craig Dykstra, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Ira Bloom, Colleen Murphy, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Fred Bortz:
A restaurant served only stews
With many odd flavors to choose.
But business went down
When folks in the town
Discovered their zoo’s down two gnus.
Kevin Ahern:
A creator of books about stews
Went to Sicily partly to schmooze.
This lazy ass bum
Thought he might become
An author they couldn’t refuse.
Craig Dykstra:
Two French painters, but one often stews.
To the other he offers his views:
“Oh Monsieur Lautrec
All I paint is such dreck!
I fear I’ve got nothing, Toulouse.”
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A gourmand who likes to eat stews
Posed the question, “What meat did you use?”
Since the menu director
Was Hannibal Lecter,
Missing persons list might give some clues.
Ira Bloom:
A fellow who comes when he stews,
Makes a point to date nothing but shrews.
Asked if he could abide
With a nun he replied:
“I don’t mind, if she has a short fuse.”
Colleen Murphy:
I’ve a girlfriend who frequently stews,
Says her son’s in the terrible twos.
I, a witness, attest,
He’s a toddler possessed,
And a reason I’ll birth control use!
Steve Whitred:
A fellow who likes to make stews,
Using chuck steak and horse meat and ewes,
Serves his hash on a raft
With a micro-brew draft
And he calls his place ‘Cruise, Booze, and Chews’
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Ira Bloom, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kevin Ahern, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Steve Whitred, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest | 7 Comments »
Sunday, March 31st, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A bell-ringer, lusty and bold,
Wished a lass in his arms to enfold.
But a bell made of brass
Fell and flattened his ass:
Said the girl, “Now his tail has been tolled!”
Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who win the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Spring is sprung, can the snow now please vanish,
And sunshine our discontent banish?
As of now it makes sense
To get ourselves hence
Somewhere warm where the people speak Spanish.
Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who also wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A woman was terribly bold,
Catching looks on the street as she strolled.
She made some eyes pop
In a skimpy crop-top,
With her jeans hanging low and be-holed.
Congratulations again to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
PRINTER’S DEVIL (A typographical soap opera)
There once was a Courier Bold
Who was, at Times, Roamin’, I’m told;
For he had that Type Face
That led gals to disgrace,
And his Serifs? A joy to behold.
At the end of the line, smooth as talcum,
He’d find Widows and Orphans, and stalcum.
Then he’d woo them a while
In a Goudy Old Style,
‘Til at home he was no longer walcum.
His wife Arial, sick with frustration,
Was burning with humiliation.
“I’ll Gill him!” she cried,
And went flush on each side
(For she knew she had Justification).
Her husband soon learned to beware her,
And went all italic in terror.
Claimed he, “What you’ve heard
Is completely absurd:
It’s a mere typographical error!”
But his wife cried, “Too late! I don’t care if
You deny it, or call for the sheriff!”
Her fury still burning,
She tightened his kerning…
(Her husband is now a Sans-Serif).
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kathy El-Assal, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Johanna Richmond, Robert Schwarztrauber, Tom Hale, Charley Simmons, Colleen Murphy, and Jared Wright. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kathy El-Assal:
Old Man Winter’s been blust’ry and bold,
Causing many complaints about cold:
“We miss seeing green
So stop being mean
And let global warming unfold!”
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
Spring flutters in, fabulous flirt,
Flicks winter’s last snows from her skirt.
Released from storm’s prison,
Our garden hopes risen,
We neighbors are sharing the dirt.
Johanna Richmond:
As metaphors go, this one’s bold,
But it’s time, guys, our story is told.
You want your gal peaking?
Hold off headline seeking –
The best news is under the fold.
Robert Schwarztrauber:
A girl who was terribly bold,
Picked the pockets of men as she strolled.
The men were all pleased
When their butt cheek got squeezed,
‘Til they found later on they’d been rolled.
Tom Hale:
A woman who frequently bowled,
Got frostbitten fingers—that’s cold.
Said, “I ain’t defeated:
My toes were well heated!”
And boldly with tootsies she rolled.
Charley Simmons:
A man who was terribly bold
Rolled nine strikes in a row, I’ve been told.
He leaped in the air,
With arrogant flair,
Racked his balls, now his game is on hold.
Colleen Murphy:
The first time I went out and bowled
My strike count, it tallied ten-fold.
My shocked friends inquired
Just what had transpired.
I answered, “Well, that’s how I rolled!”
Jared Wright:
A Catholic terribly bold
One day from the pulpit extolled
The Jacks and the Jills
Who didn’t use pills
Affirming their births uncontrolled.
“And condoms one ought to refuse,”
He added, expounding his views.
“Leave sex ‘open-ended’
The way God intended,
Don’t ‘cover your head’ like the Jews!”
But some of the women who heard
Considered the teachings absurd.
So when their brave knights
Sought conjugal rights,
The womenfolk boldly demurred.
Still as we all know God endows
The menfolk whom women espouse
With failures to purge
Themselves of the urge,
Or add celibacy to their vows.
So one may behold the effects
Of following @pontifex:
As sure as my nose
The Cath’lic Church grows
When billions of faithful have sex!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Charley Simmons, Colleen Murphy, Jared Wright, Johanna Richmond, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Robert Schwarztrauber, Sue Dulley, Tom Hale, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contests
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 6 Comments »
Sunday, March 24th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Jeff Davis was angered to read
Not so much that the slaves had been freed,
But that Unionists were
On the To-line—O slur!—
And secessionists only cc’d.
Congratulations to Sue Dulley and Marty McCullen, who tied to win this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Sue Dulley:
A student, while trying to read
In the bathroom (the book was “Candide”)
Heard “Come play this game
Testing balance and aim!”
So he put down his novel and Wii’d.
Marty McCullen:
A fellow was trying to read
The Bio of great Sammy Snead,
But he would just stutter
When using the putter.
At best he was fit to be teed.
Congratulations to Ailsa McKillop, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
A fellow was trying to read
And make sense of instructions decreed
In the cookbook: “With glove on
“Take joint from the oven.
“To now baste the meat you will need.”
At your peril true meaning ignore.
Do not do what he did, I implore!
At the critical point
He took out the joint
And a rolling pin out of the drawer.
With common sense no more than fleeting
And eager to improve on the eating,
In mistaken belief
This would tenderize beef,
He gave it an out-and-out beating!
So there is the beef, on its platter
Misshapen, askew (and much flatter.)
He should at this point
With its juices anoint
The roast dinner – to “baste”, not to “batter”!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Edmund Conti, Will T. Laughlin, Sue Dulley, Colleen Murphy, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, and Nelderini. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Edmund Conti:
A fellow was trying to read
Of a man who was trying to breed
On someone’s behalf
(and here you can laugh)
Intercede? Yes indeed. Enter seed.
Will T. Laughlin:
The Bishop was trying to read
The words of the Catholic Creed.
But the words “unum Deum”
Came out, “Iam Gayum” –
A stunning confession indeed.
Sue Dulley:
In a joke I once happened to read:
Descartes and a friend drank some mead.
Said the friend: “One more, eh?”
“I think not,” said René,
Then vanished with infinite speed.
Colleen Murphy:
My stepson was wanting to read,
An abnormal desire indeed,
Until I discovered
The girls were uncovered.
Seems his “book” met a less learned need.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A fellow was trying to read
The book “What to Do When You’re Treed.”
He looked down at the bear
And he thought, “Do I dare
Ask HIM for the glasses I need?”
Johanna Richmond, who sends a “get well” limerick to our friend and fellow Limerick-Offer, Steve Whitred:
Dear Steve, I’m so sorry to read
You’ve been ill — that’s a pity indeed.
Wishing speedy relief;
Hope your absence is brief
Or our lim’rick-off might go to seed!
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
A farmer was trying to read
Of hybrids, a skill he might need.
“Two plants get together
But will I know whether
Each seed will be glad to con-seed?”
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
A woman was trying to read
The stocks that may lag or may lead.
Said she: “I don’t care
For the bull or the bear,
As long as I’m in the stampede.”
Nelderini:
A woman was trying to read
The number of caplets she’d need
To clear her congestion.
“‘How bany?’s da question
To stob wit da cough an’ da sneed!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty McCullen, Nelderini, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 10 Comments »
Sunday, January 13th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
At beriths, Rabbi Cohen would claim,
“I’m not in this for fortune or fame.
Though a mohel takes joy
In each circumcised boy,
It’s the kid who has skin in the game.”
Congratulations to Boysan Faletusi, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A fellow would frequently claim,
“I’m hung and you’re not, what a shame.”
His friend said, “Don’t brag,
Your hag is a ‘drag,’
And mine is a fine-lookin’ dame!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Bill Klein, Colleen Murphy, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Tim James, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A woman would piously claim
That her husband was easy to tame.
No more Internet porn
Or gambling he’d sworn,
But he kept it up using her name.
Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly:
A hunter would frequently claim
“Always making clean kills is my game.”
As a kid, a pet kitten
He’d grievously smitten–
Since then, he has been anti-maim.
Bill Klein:
A woman would loudly exclaim
At great volume whenever she came.
But her man was a fool
Who thought her a jewel
‘Til that night she cried out the wrong name.
Colleen Murphy:
My three-year old often would claim
He tinkled with accurate aim.
When asked why the potty
Was always so spotty,
He said that his dad was to blame.
Scott Crowder:
A woman would frequently claim.
Her husband was lazy and lame.
I’m sorry, my dear,
Now fetch me a beer,
And let me get back to the game.
Steve Whitred:
A fellow would frequently claim
That all women he knew were the same.
Always early, he’d wait
With concern for each date,
And thank god if they finally came.
Tim James:
Some athletes would frequently claim,
“I’d never use steroids! That’s lame!”
They resembled in bulk
The Incredible Hulk.
Too bad there’s no Drug Hall of Fame.
David Lefkovits:
Mr. Christie had put in a claim
For a hurricane (Sandy, by name),
Which his buddy, the Speaker,
Delayed by a week or
A month, to his evident shame.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Our mother would frequently claim
That my brother and I were to blame.
“You boys broke what encloses
My painting of roses.”
Together we cried: “It’s a frame!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bill Klein, Boysan Faletusi, Byron Miller, Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 11 Comments »
Sunday, January 6th, 2013
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A woman had made a long list
Of scents that were hard to resist.
She doused and she sprayed,
But never got laid
Cause a bath was a step she had missed.
Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins the Special New Year’s-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
New Year’s Eve is a time to reflect
On the things we would like to perfect,
So I vow, here and now,
If my lim’ricks don’t wow,
Then at least they will leave you erect.
This week, we have a Facebook Friends’ Choice Award tie between Jane Shelton Hoffman and Craig Dykstra. So congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, whose scent-filled limerick gets this additional recognition. And congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who co-won this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick:
The guests had been checked off the list.
Vows were read, bride and groom had been kissed.
Said the priest: “With these kisses,
You’re legally Mrs.
As of now, you are hereby dis-Miss’d.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Konrad Schwoerke, Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred,
Jamie Hutchinson, and Doug Harris. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Colleen Murphy:
A five-year-old read through his list
And noted what Santa had missed:
“No laptop computer,
Nor motorized scooter.”
Then thought, “Does he really exist?”
Konrad Schwoerke:
As Santa was checking his list,
He discovered a thing he had missed.
“Financiers, as a whole,
Should receive only coal.”
Read the latest North Poll — folks are pissed!
Chris Doyle:
Chubby Checker was making a list
Of the groupies he’d more than just kissed.
He grew wistful recalling
One evening of balling–
His very first Peppermint Tryst.
Steve Whitred:
There’s a new actuarial list
For some claims that will soon be dismissed.
In fact, now we are told
The disease “getting old”
Is among those we know pre-exist.
Jamie Hutchinson:
Said a doc, “At the top of my list—
My greatest success, I insist—
Was the time, with my knife,
When I saved a young life
By removing a man from a cyst.”
Doug Harris:
2012 left your body abused —
Cholesterol-ridden and boozed.
Can’t invent evolutions
Of new resolutions?
Use last year’s — still wrapped and un-used!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Doug Harris, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 6 Comments »
Sunday, December 30th, 2012
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
The technician connects the wrong port
And the motherboard’s fried by the short.
His client, in shock,
Commences to squawk:
“I’ll sue you in high circuit court!”
Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who also wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for the same limerick, which received the most Facebook “likes.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Irv Leavitt, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Tom Harris, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Steve Whitred:
A fellow was sipping some port,
When his partner yelled “Quick look athwart!”
He looked up and around
Then surprisingly found
That his wine glass was two fingers short.
Irv Leavitt:
A young lawyer was sipping some port
By the side of the racquetball court.
He offered a drink
To his partner in pink
With a prior intent to cavort.
Colleen Murphy:
A mother was sipping some port
(Her kids were the challenging sort),
Then tried to make dinner
Which wasn’t a winner:
Her soup was a few noodles short.
Craig Dykstra:
While on shore leave, a sailor in port
Got arrested and hauled off to court.
Seems he had a few beers
And then stole girls’ brassieres —
He got busted for lack of support.
Tom Harris:
The woman said mine was too short,
Of the dull, microscopic type sort.
“You’re not a sex symbol
With that little thimble.”
Perhaps if she’d had some more port.
Johanna Richmond:
A woman was sipping some port
When her mom-in-law said with a snort,
“He was raised on filet,
But my son has a way
Of attracting the casserole sort.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Irv Leavitt, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Steve Whitred, Tom Harris, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick of the Week (94)
Sunday, December 23rd, 2012
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
In our chimney, old Santa was blue.
He was stuck, and not sure what to do.
My son, filled with dread
Asked “Is Santa Claus dead?”
“No, he just has a bad case of flue.”
Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal. who wins a Special Limerick Award for her limerick about the Newtown massacre:
Founding Fathers just couldn’t foretell
That “militias” might lead to this Hell.
Though to laws we defer,
We plainly prefer
The “right to bare arms” like Michelle.
Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award, for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Our forefathers roll in their grave
When they see how our people behave.
Their doctrine amended
Was never intended
To murder our youth, but to save.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Doyle, Scott Crowder, Craig Dykstra, Jamie Hutchinson, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Chris Doyle:
A gazelle is alone, feeling blue,
As he paces his pen at the zoo.
He’s been wondering if he
Will get up a stiffy
And ever go wooing a gnu.
Scott Crowder:
A woman who always wore blue
Didn’t manage to get to the loo,
And now can be seen
Wearing panties of green,
As blue mixed with yellow will do.
Craig Dykstra:
The sign on the door was in blue:
“Shoes and shirts, or we cannot serve you.”
But that waitress looked pissed
So I’m thinkin’ that list
Maybe shoulda had “pants” on it, too.
Jamie Hutchinson:
The regatta announcer felt blue
And his face turned a scarlet-tinged hue
When he slipped: “Team One’s sloop
Is the best of the group,
But as sailors go, I like Two’s crew.”
And a 2-verse limerick from Johanna Richmond:
Ain’t it lovely when out of the blue,
Someone’s kindhearted words pull you through?
How you all make me laugh!
That and half a carafe,
And I’m suddenly feeling brand new.
But truly, you masters of jest
Have brightened my world –you’re the best.
Should have known all the while
Where to go for a smile –
Love you all! Now I’ll give it a rest.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, Jamie Hutchinson, Johanna Richmond, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 8 Comments »
Sunday, December 16th, 2012
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A fellow who needed a Doc
For his hiccups was nursed round the clock;
But they didn’t stop till
Doc presented his bill
Saying, “Nothing works quite like a shock!”
Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A fellow who needed a doc
Displayed palpitations & shock.
Said the doctor: “I fear
That the fiscal cliff’s near,
And you really need H&R Block.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Elaine Spall, Ira Bloom, Craig Dykstra, Diane Groothuis, Colleen Murphy, and Bob Dvorak. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Elaine Spall:
A fellow in need of a doc
In emergency suffering from shock
Mocked his wife’s Asian cooking:
When he wasn’t looking
She struck his head hard with her wok.
Ira Bloom:
A fellow was rushed to the doc,
After getting shot up with a Glock.
The surgeon, quite nice,
Gave the guy sage advice:
“Wives in swimsuits are best not to mock.”
Craig Dykstra:
On the nights I tend bar at “The Dock”
Doctor Hickory’s there, ten o’clock.
Likes his daqu’ris “his way”
So I make one, then say:
“Here’s your Hickory Daquiri, Doc.”
Diane Groothuis:
A lady who needed a Doc
Had her foot bitten off by a croc.
Said “My dip in the sea
Made it cheaper for me:
I’ll only need one shoe and sock”.
Colleen Murphy:
A two-year old went to the doc:
When his brother was playing with caulk
He tried to seal shut
The crack in his butt
Creating a structural block.
And a 2-verse limerick from Bob Dvorak:
A fellow who needed a doc
For his sales pitch next day, to the flock,
Told his flunky “Get writing,
And make it exciting.
With Powerpoint. Seven o’clock.”
But the flunky said, “This is a crock.
If he thinks I can work to his clock.”
Tiny type, midst the muck,
Read, “The Prez is a schmuck.”
And that guy is now working the dock.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, David Lefkovits, David McCormick, Diane Groothuis, Elaine Spall, Ira Bloom, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »
Sunday, December 9th, 2012
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A king who was rather urbane
Decreed that, throughout his domain,
The marching brigades
Must practice their trades
If they want to parade on his reign.
Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
My accountant is smart and urbane.
He knows tricks that can hide any gain.
His skills are so clear
That he’s known around here
As the Master of Ledger-demain.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Colleen Murphy, Kathy El-Assal, Bob Dvorak, Jamie Hutchinson, Kirk Miller, and KC Browncoat Sloan. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Robert Schechter:
A baker from France, so urbane,
Decided to open a chain
Of stores selling bread,
But it sounded instead
Like he sold S&M: “Au Bon Pain.”
Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:
My dog who is rather urbane
Thinks trips to the woods are a pain,
Just tree trunks and bugs
with NO hydrant plugs.
He lifts up his leg in disdain.
Colleen Murphy:
The British folk, mostly urbane
Thought England’s Prince Harry inane
For clearly not knowing
The parts he was showing
Would not just in Vegas remain.
Kathy El-Assal:
There once was an artist urbane,
Avant-guard in the past, now mundane.
To reignite interest,
He posted on Pinterest
A shock-value, cock weathervane.
Bob Dvorak:
A man who was rather urbane
Thought his lim’ricks did better in Spain.
But sea air wouldn’t do,
So to Paris he flew.
In the end they just found him… in Seine.
Jamie Hutchinson:
A rancher who’s very urbane
Gives his cattle a sip of champagne
From a glass, not a trough,
Before sending them off
To the slaughter by passenger train.
Kirk Miller:
A man who is rather urbane
Is balding and wants to attain
More hair on his head.
A sculler friend said:
The elegant method: Row-gain.
KC Browncoat Sloan:
A man who was rather urbane,
From drinking would often abstain.
When friends asked him why,
He would say, with a sigh,
“Well, the shakes make me spill my cocaine.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Dvorak, Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, David Lefkovits, Jamie Hutchinson, Kathy El-Assal, KC Browncoat Sloan, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Robert Schechter, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 7 Comments »
Sunday, November 25th, 2012
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to David Franks, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A man was disturbed by a line
On a mirror– cocaine, ground up fine.
“It’s Satan’s own powder.”
His tirade grew louder:
“It’s nothing to sniff at, you swine!”
Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
I find I’m disturbed by the line,
“Your troubles are yours and not mine.”
For the truth is that if
We do fall off the “cliff,”
Our problems will all intertwine.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jamie Hutchinson, Jim Sullivan, Craig Dykstra, Kathy El-Assal, Robert Schechter, David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jamie Hutchinson:
His moves breached her Maginot Line
As he bid her, “Surrender, you’re mine.”
But her forces regrouped
And advanced as she whooped:
“The Allies are crossing the Rhine!”
Jim Sullivan:
A fish had encountered a line.
It seemed to the creature a sign
That was sent from Above.
“This worm? From God’s love!
I must seize, not deny, the Divine!”
Craig Dykstra:
The villainess hired from a line
Evil henchmen until she had nine.
When she reached number ten
Sent him back home again
Saying “You sir, are no fiend of mine.”
Kathy El-Assal:
Some socialites cross the fine line
And trip on a media mine.
They explode on the scene
When pundits prove mean
And their climbing days hit a decline.
Robert Schechter:
A man was disturbed by a line
That he read by the famed Gertrude Stein.
“A rose is a rose
Is a rose? Heaven knows,
To say it just twice would be fine!”
David McCormick:
Burns’ old teacher, disturbed by a line
She’d read in his verse, ‘Auld Lang Syne’
Sighed, “Isn’t it rotten?
‘Forgot’ for ‘forgotten’!
“And we all thought that lad would do fine!”
Tim James:
A man was disturbed by a line
Of chorus girls, not very fine.
He found their resounding
Loud stomping and pounding
Exceedingly elephantine.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Colleen Murphy, Craig Dykstra, David Franks, David McCormick, Jamie Hutchinson, Jim Sullivan, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
