It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Her car’d broken down in Nantucket.
A driver pulled up. She said, “Fuck it!
The engine won’t go.
Could you give me a tow?”
So he pulled off a shoe and said “Suck it.”
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special Joint-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I wondered, when handed the ointment,
Exactly what “rub on your joint” meant,
’Cause needless to say,
I was wasted that day.
And that reefer? A big disappointment.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Chad Parenteau, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Wendy Watson, Tony Holmes, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TOE/TOW/CHATEAU” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
The challenge was touching your toe;
Bent over, how low could you go?
Years later, we’re told
That instruction was sold
By pill makers needing to grow.
Lisi Nortman:
My Labrador loves tic tac toe
And considers herself quite a pro.
Yet I win every game,
And it’s really a shame
That she can’t tell an “x” from an “o.”
Chad Parenteau:
There once was a man on the go
Who ended up breaking his toe.
Insurance insisted
The pain pre-existed,
And all he could do was cry, “No!”
Sharon Neeman:
Said the lass to the big-footed trucker,
“Can you tow me?” — eyes wide, lips a-pucker.
“I sure can, dear — let’s go!”
Whereupon his big toe
Was employed by the trucker to fuck her.
Fred Bortz:
In Phantom, a musical show,
There’s a moment of “Look out below!”
The chandelier crashes.
The panicked crowd dashes,
And that’s how I broke my big toe.
Dave Johnson:
So here’s how his morning would go:
He started off stubbing a toe.
The car wouldn’t start;
Then a seatmate did fart
On a crowded bus going too slow.Arriving at work rather late,
His boss – a real jerk – hollered “Nate!
We’re giving your job
To a newbie named Rob;
And you’re to take mine – which you’ll hate.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JOINT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
There are sex joints for prosties and panders;
There are card joints for slick sleight-of-handers;
But the joint that I choose
Is the one that made news
Kicking out Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Brian Allgar:
At ‘The Family Butcher,’ they say
Half their family vanished away.
When they looked in the shop
They found joints of Grandpop,
Leg of Dad, and poor Mother’s filet.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I tried this new stuff from a jar
Which claims it will help you “go far.”
It oils up your knees
So that running’s a breeze.
(And it also works great on your car.)
Wendy Watson:
My joints are engendering pain,
And I’ll never do handstands again.
As for pliés – no chance,
And a hot salsa dance
Would result in a gluteal strain.
Tony Holmes:
It attacks, unannounced, in one spot,
Then retrenches and takes its next shot.
Ankles, knees and big toes –
Sometimes heels; then gout goes
And resurfaces where it was not.
Tim James:
I once knew a woman named Lee;
What a great source of fun she could be!
Always good for a buzz,
Double-jointed she was.
That’s to say: one for her, one for me.
Tony Holmes:
In my youth I knew nothing of dread;
Leapt, gazelle-like, each morning from bed.
But today, should I leap,
I’d collapse in a heap;
Seems the springbok within me has fled.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
