Posts Tagged ‘Bruce Alter’

Limerick-Off Award (308)

Sunday, October 14th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In the sack with an insecure guy,
She gave voice to a rapturous cry:
“You’ve a huge, awesome dick!”
It’s just part of her shtick:
When she lays, she relies on a lie.

Congratulations to Brian Allgar, who wins the Special TOOL-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I bought some new scissors. The packet
Was rigidly sealed. What a racket!
I tried – what a joke!
All my fingernails broke,
And I needed some scissors to crack it!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ailsa McKillop, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Alan Webb, Judith H. Block, Lisi Nortman, Kathleen Bartoletti, Sharon Neeman, Bruce Alter, Dave Johnson, Ken Gosse, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRY” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Unfair!” the Republicans cry.
“Judge Kavanaugh’s our kind of guy!
Young Brett didn’t do it,
But if he did, screw it –
All boys will be boys when they’re high.”

Ailsa McKillop:

There’s a scurry; I stifle a cry.
In one second I’m yards (or well-nigh)
From the eight-legged beast —
Like lightning when greased!
In extremis, I’m really quite spry.

Thomas Vincent:

Christine has now sullied my name.
The media’s tarred me with shame.
So now I must cry,
And tell the big lie,
That Hillary Clinton’s to blame.

Tim James:

She refused to go out with me. Why?
’Cause she wants a more masculine guy.
She cut right to the quick,
Said I act like a chick.
Now excuse me. I need a good cry.

Alan Webb:

There are those who will heave a great sigh
Or, possibly, loudly decry
And come down on with hammer
The use of bad grammar
Committed by someone like I.

Judith H. Block:

When guilty, play “God card” and cry,
Shout and sniffle to cover your lie.
We don’t have to look far
To perceive what you are:
Just a callous, entitled white guy.

Lisi Nortman:

I never had sex with a guy
Till I married last eighth of July.
When he showed me his stuff,
My decision was tough:
Should I laugh or just break down and cry?

Kathleen Bartoletti:

’Twas a warm summer night, star-lit sky;
Urgent pleas in the dark, then a cry
As a spotlight uncovers
Two near-naked lovers
On the grass — and a cop standing by.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOOL LIMERICK DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

If you listened to all that he said,
And his words didn’t fill you with dread,
If you think Brett’s a saint,
I’m afraid that you ain’t,
The sharpest damn tool in the shed.

Sharon Neeman:

My dad said, “I’ll teach you two rules:
Number one: never buy shoddy tools.
Number two: don’t misuse!
Using hammers on screws
Or a cent for a fuse is for fools.”

Bruce Alter:

The plumber worked hard with her wrench
To cut off the toilet pipe stench,
But stopped to hit Fred
With the wrench on his head,
Because he kept calling her “wench.”

Tim James:

The slide rule? It no longer rules.
Carbon paper? Used only by fools.
Such things are, to me,
Like today’s GOP:
A collection of outdated tools.

Dave Johnson:

A tailgater – massively rude;
One finger was seen to protrude.
He flew by on the right,
Then a flashing blue light;
And that’s when that driver was screwed.

Ken Gosse:

There are times that I cry in my sleep,
When I think of that jerk and his veep,
Because highly paid fools
With their rules and their tools
Have failed to get rid of that creep.

David Friedman:

There once was a screwdriver, Phillip
Who screwed lots of screws but was still up
So, wanting some more,
He searched through the drawer,
And decided that he’d hit the drill up.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (304)

Saturday, August 18th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When Nathaniel goes out on a date
He displays a despicable trait:
All he wants is to screw;
All his dates post #metoo.
The misogyny’s truly inNate.

Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Special Affairs-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Sylvester’s had multiple flings.
Defying convention, he swings!
He’s had threesomes galore,
Special fondness for four.
His motto? No strings and no rings!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Bruce Alter, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Val Fish, Judith H. Block, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DATE/SEDATE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Smiled one Smithie, “I think it’s just great
That the Prof asked you out for a date!”
Frowned the other, “It’s awful!
It shouldn’t be lawful
For men to presume that we’re straight.”

Brian Allgar:

The doctors had tried to sedate
Donald’s ravings of anger and hate,
But he’d scream and he’d swear
Till they got him to wear
A new jacket – the kind that is strait.

Dave Johnson:

He’s basking in amorous bliss,
With just an occasional hiss.
He’s assured that his date
Will forever be great;
For she’s an inflatable Miss.

Bruce Alter:

My advice to guys: Don’t tempt your fate!
This topic’s not up for debate.
Unless she is amorous,
(Even if glamorous)
Keep your grubby palms off of your date.

Lisi Nortman:

Oh wow! Did I have one cheap date!
I’ve never been so damn irate!
He asked me to drive
At the “thru window” dive
So that I’D pay the $2.98.

Tony Holmes:

Puritanical pater, Gil Spate,
Hard of hearing, misheard “masticate.”
“ONANISM IS WRONG!
If you cannot be strong,
Then you leave me no option: Sedate!”

Dave Johnson:

His girlfriend, demure and sedate,
Insisted that they’d have to wait.
Then she saw “Magic Mike.”
Her reaction was like:
“I’d love to be setting HIM straight!”

Lisi Nortman:

“You’ll find I’m a wonderful date,
And my dear, I must say you look great.
Please don’t mind if I’m jumpy,
Or get kind of grumpy.
I just broke out of prison upstate.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (AFFAIRS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Val Fish:

I’d booked us a suite at The Grand.
Ev’ry detail was carefully planned,
But I’d NOT bargained for
That knock at the door;
The wife, divorce papers in hand.

Lisi Nortman:

Found pink panties right under my bed.
Did I holler or scream? No! Instead,
On Facebook they went,
Cause my dear hubby Trent
Seems to go for a big “center spread.”

Dave Johnson:

A traveling salesman named Rex
Was having some parking lot sex.
In the heat of it all,
He butt-dialed a call
That went to his soon-to-be ex.

Judith H. Block says:

Through the years, I’ve had many affairs.
It’s the truth; I’m not putting on airs.
And now that I’m older,
I still feel the smolder.
So as long as I’m wanted, who cares!

Dave Johnson:

Whenever they happen to meet,
He tells her “We must be discreet.
These moments we’ll share
With the utmost of care;
Robert Mueller has eyes on the street.”

Tim James:

An idiot had two affairs:
With a porn star and Playmate. Who cares?
Well, for starters, his wife.
For the rest of his life
It appears that he’ll need thoughts and prayers.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!