Posts Tagged ‘Brian Allgar’
Saturday, April 6th, 2024
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
In broad daylight he aimed; took the shot.
She lay still, on the deck of his yacht.
When she writhed on the floor,
He shot her twice more
At his favorite fashion pics spot.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the PICTURES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
His new gal was an absolute mess;
He was fully enthralled, nonetheless.
He wised up really quick
When he spotted her pic
On the wall at the USPS.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: AMUSING, DOCTOR, NEUROTIC, POSTPONE, VANITY.
Vain old Donald is having his say again;
With the Bible he’s having his way again.
He amuses his base,
As he says with straight face —
“We will all Make America Prey Again!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Gennadiy Gurariy, Doug Harris, J.OConnor, Trevor Alexander, Susan Settje, Dave Johnson, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman, Mike Monks, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Cried a doctor when one patient fought
An injection, “Just take it or not!”
And he wasn’t amused
When the same guy confused
Him by saying, “I’d rather be shot.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PICTURES-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I like classic old Westerns a lot —
Gritty films where drunk cowboys get shot.
When these tough buckaroos
Take in bullets and booze,
They just grin and say, “That hit the spot.”
Tim James:
She texted her picture. She’s hot,
So I thought I’d give romance a shot.
Then she told me she’s rootin’
For Vladimir Putin.
My internet girlfriend’s a bot!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
If The Donald should lose the election,
There’s no reason to stage insurrection.
He should give (while he’s hot)
Making movies a shot.
He’s so awfully good at projection.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOT/SHOTS-RHYME DIVISION)
Gail White:
The day of my hanging was hot
And the amateurs tying the knot
Made a slippery noose
That was really too loose…
So I opted for just being shot.
Jean McEwen:
Sophie figured she’d give it a shot.
So she struck while the iron was hot.
But then promptly she learned
That one’s hand will get burned
When the iron one strikes isn’t wrought.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
With a gun pointed straight at his head,
The quarry quick-wittedly said,
“A close-up is not
My favorite shot.
Could you make it a selfie instead?”
Tim James:
She lost track of the number of shots
That she’d downed. (Let’s just say it was lots.)
She will drink you — she’s able —
Way under the table.
She’s Mary, the Queen of the Sots.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
One evening a thief tried his best
To break through the lock on my chest.
I yelled “you’ll get shot!”
And aimed the red dot
But then let my cats do the rest.
Doug Harris:
The Jaeger bombs started the rot;
With whiskies I’ve often been caught.
The Doc’s diagnosis:
(I can’t spell cirrhosis)
My liver is totally shot!
J.OConnor:
He decided that he’d take a shot
At tying his own Windsor Knot.
Though he’d try and he’d try,
He could not tie the tie,
And tie tired is all that he got.
Trevor Alexander:
She had my tongue tied up in knots
And gave me a case of the hots.
My libido was zingin’,
But turned out she’s mingin’.
I’m glad I’ve had all of my shots.
Mark Totterdell:
Having starting the night sipping tots,
I continued with various shots.
After many drinks more,
I was flat on the floor,
Swilling beer out of two-gallon pots.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PICTURES-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
She tried a new app for a date.
Turns out, it was far less than great;
Selecting a guy,
But whose pic was AI,
A zombie who then showed up late.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
At last I pried open my wallet
For that blasted thing… what do kids call it?
The self-serving stick?
The self, selfie trick?
Now can somebody help me install it?
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
There’s the shirt with the Donald T mugshot,
And the Viktor-and-me T, a hug shot.
But I can’t wait to see,
The celebrative tee,
That’s the Donald’s-at-last-in-the-jug shot.
J.OConnor, for his “true home improvement story”
Pulled old wallpaper off of our wall.
Found a picture drawn seven feet tall
Of a majorette dressed
In a way no one guessed:
Besides boots she wore nothing at all.
Bob Turvey:
Said my father, “I think I’ll invest
My spare cash in tattoos for my chest.
I’ve a picture in mind –
Charlie Chaplin’s behind –
It’ll make me laugh when I’m depressed.”
Lisi Nortman:
I rarely take selfies. I lack
The fervor, the zeal and the knack.
Though I cannot deny
That I gave it a try
To examine that zit on my back.
Mike Monks:
A meet & greet held in a bar
Fell terribly lower than par;
While her pic showed a cutie,
There now was no beauty.
Come on, folks! Just show who you are!
Fred Bortz:
For a classical musical treat,
Try Mussorgsky’s evocative suite
That brings to fruition
An art exhibition.
A sensory palate complete!
Lisi Nortman:
This sale is sure not “for the birds.”
The people are coming in herds.
They’ve a very nice staff.
The reduction is “half.”
Each pic is worth 500 words.
Jean McEwen:
Bedecking the walls of Jill’s villa
Are paintings that look just vanilla.
Every piece of her home
Is clichéd – monochrome.
Refined taste? Jill has not a scintilla.
Brian Allgar:
Donald Trump is a blowhard, quite mad,
And I picture a scene, very bad:
To prove he’s a sleaze
And determined to please,
He’s down on his knees blowing Vlad.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: AMUSING, DOCTOR, NEUROTIC, POSTPONE, VANITY.)
Susan Settje:
The pompous young doc lacked humanity.
His godlike self-image, pure vanity.
Like a peacock, he preened,
While his patients all keened.
His murder? I’m pleading insanity.
Terry Marter:
With neurosis eroding her sanity;
Obsessed with her mirror, (and vanity),
She’s applied to herself
The whole beauty bar shelf,
And now looks like a walking profanity!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Jane asked, “Doctor, can I be psychotic?”
When he answered, “No, simply neurotic,
And perhaps a bit vain,”
She complained, “How mundane.
I deserve something much more exotic.”
Tim James:
A neurotic old despot named Don
Told his doctor, “My self-control’s gone.
I’m obnoxious, or vain,
Or just flat-out insane;
It depends on the drugs that I’m on.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
The reception you get will be cold,
If you contact your doctor, I’m told,
And try to postpone
Your appointment by phone.
All they do then is put you on hold.
Tim James:
I want to write something amusing.
My Muse, though, won’t help; she’s refusing.
In my vanity, I
Thought at least that she’d try.
I’d do better by taking up boozing.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When Rod needed “amusement” –and quick,
He thought Speed Dating might do the trick.
But the date said, “You’re vain,
And your fast-talk’s inane.”
Then she gave him a really swift kick.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Gail White, Gennadiy Gurariy, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Mike Monks, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Susan Settje, Terry Marter, Tim James, Trevor Alexander, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (520)
Saturday, March 9th, 2024
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny and timely two-verse limerick:
That passenger flight went awry
While thousands of feet in the sky.
A window seat door
Wasn’t there any more;
Unbolted, it fell from on high.
And now their commercial can say:
“Come fly with us – starting today.
Our Boeing Max 9
Is a new plane so fine;
Its features will blow you away!”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TOOTH/TEETH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
He was trapped when the burglars broke in,
Tied with ropes from his toes to his chin.
But his son heard him call,
And he bit through them all –
He was saved by the teeth of his kin.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever “Venus de Milo” limerick which uses at least two of these five words: LOOK, MESSY, PROOF, RIDDLE, UNFAIR.
What’s up with her schmata? (A dress?)
She sure didn’t “drape” for success!
With no arms, life’s unfair.
You can’t fix your own hair.
Ms. Milo’s a classical mess!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Marc Davidson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Bindy Bitterman, and J.OConnor. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
Observers conject as to why
Mona Lisa’s smile looks kinda wry.
Despite the belief
That she ain’t got no teef
There’s now proof that she’d just screwed her guy.
Tim James:
I looked at the bottle of rye.
It was 86 proof. With a sigh,
I imbibed (to excess)
And woke up in a mess,
Missing teeth. Now the riddle is: Why?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
A gleaming-white-smile kinda guy,
Screwed his dentist’s wife once, on the sly.
Since the dentist’s revenge,
His teeth look like Stonehenge,
Lots of gaps and all angled awry.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
By a fantasy he was inspired
To make love on a bike. This required
That he be fit and spry.
But it all went awry:
When he tried it, it made him two tired.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When it used to be Siri and me,
I was happy as happy can be.
But it all went awry
When this open AI
Started blabbing on ChatGPT.
Bob Turvey:
Said an actress, “Oh my goodness me!
Archbishop – your hand’s on my knee!
You’ve a glint in your eye…
And your vestment’s awry!
And you haven’t yet paid me the fee!”
Marc Davidson:
I’m giving gymnastics a try,
For I’m feeling uncommonly spry.
But I’m booking, you betcha,
Two guys with a stretcher,
in case my attempt goes awry.
Fred Bortz:
There once was an atheist guy
Who decided to give God a try.
What led him to choose
To commune with the Jews?
The kosher dill pickles and rye!
Robert Schechter:
I thought I’d give baking a try.
It didn’t go well. I won’t lie.
The recipe said
I was baking white bread,
But somehow my plans went a rye.
Tim James:
Said a woman whose outlook was wry:
“Why do men always think they must lie?
Seven inches? No way!
Mark my words when I say:
I can measure such objects by eye.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Once, the tooth fairy used to buy back,
Any tooth — be it pearly or black.
The prize for a chomper,
When I wore a romper
Was cash. Now it’s just some old plaque.
Lisi Nortman, for her “Leonardo da Vinci’s Request”
“You look great in that Renaissance style,
But your ugly teeth stick out a mile.
Kindly breathe through your nose
To assume a new pose.
Mona, please try a more subtle smile.”
Robert Schechter:
I thought I was dining on cattle,
But chewing became a great battle.
I found out the truth
When I busted a tooth
On the stud of a fine English saddle.
Terry Marter:
Here’s a tongue-in-cheek tale of a sleuth
Who is well past the prime of his youth.
The defective detective
Is now less effective,
Short of breath, and too long in the tooth.
Bob Turvey:
If you drive in mid-winter in Leith —
GO SLOW — or you may need a wreath;
The council’s so mean
They’ve no gritting machine –
Their advice is to grit your own teeth.
Marc Davidson:
I’m buying my dentist a wreath
For the coming demise of my teeth.
I’m down in the mouth,
For my hygiene’s gone south,
Exposing the rot underneath.
Tim James:
My dentist is cranky and old,
And his manner’s increasingly cold.
What I really can’t stand
Is his unsteady hand.
That’s what gets on my nerves, tooth be told.
Tony Holmes:
My wife’s teeth are like stars in that they
Will come out at the close of each day.
And once toothless – sans bite –
She’s a pitiful sight,
But her tongue’s just as sharp, so, “Oy vey!”
Mark Totterdell:
A fine set of teeth has the ocelot,
Though it’s true that they do make him cross a lot.
When food scraps get stuck
It’s annoying as f*ck
And if only he could he would floss a lot.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A born chiseler, one dentist Keith,
Claims, “Your smile will light up like a wreath!
For ten grand (thereabout),
These new crowns will stand out.”
So his patients all sport big-buck teeth.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A golfer who’s constantly gutting
It out in a rough that needs cutting,
Maybe looks to the green,
To make shots more pristine;
For the proof is (they say) in the putting.
Brian Allgar:
“Look, these charges are really unfair!
They’re riddled with lies and hot air.
The riot that day
Was messy, OK,
But there’s proof I was not even there!”
Jean McEwen:
Though my tresses look messy, the breeze
Is the reason it’s tangled. So please!
Stop critiquing my hair!
You are being unfair.
At least I do not harbor fleas!
Bindy Bitterman:
Good heavens, it’s awfully unfair
To blame ME for the mess that’s up there!
Sure, it’s under my roof
But I rent to that goof
For whom “dress-up” means clean underwear!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I got holes in the lobes of each ear,
And tattoos on my back and my rear.
Then I ventured a look,
At a skin disease book,
And now I am riddled with fear.
Fred Bortz:
An unflattering SNL spoof
Sent that narcissist Trump through the roof.
When he tweeted, “Unfair!!
I have much better hair.”
They countered, “See now we have proof.”
J.OConnor:
They roundly agree she’s a square.
On the hole Peggy’s treatment’s unfair.
If Peg had looked ’round,
I’m sure she’d have found
A square Peg’s never fitting in there!
Terry Marter:
“Visit Scotland,” they said, – look for Nessie.
So we did, – took my dumb cousin Jesse.
He jumped in for a swim,
And soon Nessie found him.
After that, things became rather messy!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bindy Bitterman, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Marc Davidson, Mark Totterdell, Robert Schechter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (519)
Saturday, February 10th, 2024
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said Sir Lancelot “Life’s not so grand
When your date turns you down out-of-hand.”
Said Sir Kay, “Well I hear
That our Queen Guinevere
Always welcomes a quick one-knight stand.”
Congratulations to LISI NORTON, who wins the COACH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My team took a terrible beating,
So I called a “coach candidate” meeting.
I said, “Though you’re all trained,
I picked Joe,” then explained:
“He’s the one who knows most about cheating.”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN.
Nubile Florence had searched high and low
For a promising guy (one with dough.)
She was cute and nineteen;
Tom was lush with the green.
He decided to go with the Flo.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Terry Marter, Paul Haebig, Sharon Neeman, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman, P Diane Schneider, J.OConnor, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Phil Woodford, Doug Harris, Brian Allgar, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: GRAND-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COACH-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Tim James:
A musician whom no one could stand
Was coached NOT to act pompous or grand.
Now he acts like a geek
Who’s both boring and meek.
His new theme song is “Strike Up the Bland.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAND-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The concert stage door was unmanned,
So I strolled in, completely as planned.
No need to pull strings
To access the wings,
My job was to tune up the grand.
Paul Haebig:
“This obsession you have with Steve Grand
Is getting a bit out of hand
And becoming a bore.
So, I’m saying, ‘No more!’
From now on in this house, he is banned!”
Sharon Neeman:
“Yuck! I hate this! It’s gross and it’s bland!
You’re not Mom! I won’t eat on demand!”
“No, I’m not — but I say
You must eat anyway,
‘Cause you’re not being mothered, but Gran’d.”
Mark Totterdell:
This latest great poem of mine
Was designed to be truly divine.
From the start it was planned
To be epic and grand,
But it stopped after just the fifth line.
Lisi Nortman, for her “My Chicago Senior Living Apartment Complex”
Poor Jenny can’t move her right hand.
Leon sits, but the poor man can’t stand.
John broke both his hips,
And sweet Winifred drips.
Gertrude falls ev’ry day. Ain’t life grand?
P Diane Schneider:
Abroad in a warm, far-off land,
I lounged on a beach and was fanned.
Alas, I awoke;
It was only a joke.
But tell me, would THAT not be grand?
Terry Marter:
His piano concerto was panned;
The critics said “boring” and “bland.”
Pursued for his views,
He made headline news
When they found him curled up in the grand.
Tim James:
With ambitions excessively grand,
Ronny D. sought to govern the land
By appealing to spite.
Why’d it all turn to shite?
He infringed on The Former Guy’s brand.
J.OConnor:
The father of my father’s dad
Was cruel and made everyone sad.
So I can’t understand
Why he’s called “great” and “grand”
When we know that old bastard was bad.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (COACH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
From my seat I could see him approach.
He sat next to me, puffing a roach.
Cradled under one arm
Was a jug of Boone’s Farm.
That’s the last time I’ll travel by coach.
J.OConnor:
I’d rather fly coach than first class.
Don’t try to upgrade me. I’ll pass.
My seat is just fine.
So keep your free wine.
I won’t pay you to pamper my ass.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
One “away” team won’t deign to encroach,
On the home team’s aggressive approach.
They don’t care if they lose;
On the bus they’ve stashed booze,
So they’re keeping all eyes on the coach.
Phil Woodford:
Whenever I sit in train coaches
A feeling of dread soon encroaches
There’s a rustling sound
And before long, I’ve found
That my seat is surrounded by roaches.
Doug Harris:
The enthusiasts offer reproaches
As the layman, in their world, encroaches.
There’s many a fuss
If you call it a bus,
And not one of their lovable coaches.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Though no promising singer, I know,
I still give karaoke a go.
I sing all night with glee,
And when I lose my key,
I continue to search high and low.
Terry Marter says:
Some lush-sounding songsters from Yonkers
Formed a promising choir, but some honkers
Joined in on their tunes
With wails worse than loons,
Cuz they thought they could sing, but they’re bonkers!
Lisi Nortman:
Search no more for a shrink; mine is hip.
He will heal you in one single trip.
To cure your depression,
There’s only one session
With JUST these three words: “Get a grip!”
Brian Allgar:
It had seemed like a promising trip,
But his search for the names made him flip.
Telling Nancy from Nikki
Was horribly tricky —
Poor Donald had quite lost his grip.
Jean McEwen:
My once-promising search for the grail
Is all over. The end of the trail
Has been reached. I’m defeated.
My hope’s been depleted.
My coffin’s now seen its last nail.
Lisi Nortman:
I was tired of frequenting bars,
And stopped searching the day I met Lars.
We were wed in a zip.
He is known for his grip;
Lars is gross, but he opens my jars.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Socks, The Horse, on his way to the barn,
Met The Kitten in search of some yarn….
This olde Aesop’s fable,
I’d spin were I able,
But I’m not, and I don’t give a darn.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Doug Harris, J.OConnor, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, P Diane Schneider, Paul Haebig, Phil Woodford, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (518)
Saturday, October 14th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off. Congratulations to MICHAEL R. BURCH, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, submitted by him “with abject apologies to Ogden Nash:”
A fly with the flu foully flew
Up my nose—thought I’d die—had to sue!
Was the small villain fined?
An abrupt judge declined
My case, since I’d “failed to achoo!”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special FOOT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I have very large feet, so I choose
To buy oversized, custom-made shoes.
When the creek topped its banks,
All my neighbors gave thanks
’Cause those kicks served as first-rate canoes.
Congratulations to J.OCONNOR, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM.
His hair was combed neat and was parted.
His speech on decorum had started.
He straightened his back,
Spoke of manners they lack,
Then glared at the crowd as he farted.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Gail White, Janice Canerdy, Tim James, George Larson, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Jean McEwen, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: FIND/FINED-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FOOT-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
Donald snarls at the judge with a glare:
“You’re corrupter than Biden, I swear!
Are you outa ya mind?
That amount I been fined
Leaves me knocked off my feet everywhere!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FIND/FINED-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FOOT-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Mark Totterdell:
My feet are not neat or refined;
They have toes of some animal kind,
And the skin on each sole
Has the odd crack or hole
Like a cheese with a moldy old rind.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FIND/FINED-RHYME DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
Your intended must be very kind
And LUSTFUL! Please keep that in mind.
When you locate this man,
Grab him fast as you can,
Cuz a good man who’s hard is a “find.”
Terry Marter:
Her new drummer was such a great find;
His rhythm in bed blew her mind!
To his hot paradiddle,
She’d lie there and fiddle,
Singing lim’ricks, all perfectly timed.
Brian Allgar:
The doctors attempted to find
Something vaguely resembling a mind
In Trump’s head, but instead,
Found a short note that read
“OUT TO LUNCH.” With an ‘X’ it was signed.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My old cat has control of his mind,
And if he’s in the bathroom, confined,
He’ll summon his chi,
To shred the TP,
Always doing his best to unwind.
Tim James:
McCarthy was startled to find
That his caucus was out of its mind.
Disgraced and displaced,
He got thoroughly Maced.
Maybe next time he’ll be stiffer-spined.
Gail White:
Says Meghan, “I’m ultra-refined,
So I do hope the staff will not mind
Throwing out the dead tulips
And mixing mint juleps,
while I lie on this sofa reclined.”
Janice Canerdy:
Susie’s skirts now conceal her behind
(Most of it), and she’s not so inclined
To get drunk and start fights
At the bars. She delights
In declaring, “Look, y’all. I’m refined!”
Tim James:
A man from Hawaii opined:
“By my job I’m severely confined.
My plantation, I’ve found,
Needs attention year round.
Growing coffee is really a grind!”
George Larson:
I had a few drinks to unwind
And leave all my troubles behind,
But Officer Stubbs
Saw me pee in the shrubs,
And now I’ve been locked up and fined.
Tony Holmes:
We, the voting for Trump undersigned,
Wish to say even if he’s confined,
We’re still stupid enough
To call ev’ryone’s bluff.
He can rule from his cell – we don’t mind.
Tim James:
A homely young fellow named Nate
Mansplains constantly, irking his mate:
“I was happy to find
That it’s true: love is blind.
Were it deaf as well, that would be great.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FOOT-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
As the fight got increasingly heated,
To ensure that the king was unseated,
He declared that “It rankles
When, clean at the ankles,
With the swipe of a sword I’m de-feeted.”
Tim James:
A podiatrist thought it a thrill
To take up with a mistress until
His wife took him to court,
Cleaned him out just for sport.
For his sins he’s now footing the bill.
Lisi Nortman:
My son’s messy; we had a quite a spat.
And here’s what I said, “Listen Pat!
“Before you walk in
From wherever you’ve been
Wipe your feet on the neighbor’s front mat.”
Bob Turvey:
A toff who broke down in our street
Said, “Look lively, I’ve someone to meet.
You must give me a tow.”
So I said, “Sorry Joe,
I’m afraid they’re attached to my feet.
Jean McEwen:
Dick insists that his prick’s one foot long—
But Charlisse, who has measured his shlong,
Says that when it is lax
It is three inches – max,
And its girth shrinks to naught near the prong.
Lisi Nortman, for her “Fifth Grade Math Test Musings.” *
“Here I sit in the midst of my woe;
With fractions, I’m sure not a pro.
What’s one fifth of a foot!
Now I’m REALLY kaput!
Oh well, I’ll just answer “a toe.”
Terry Marter:
The drummer looked so cool and neat,
With his double kick-drums and gold seat.
He would snare all the chics
With his twirling sticks tricks,
And his sex-cymbal measured two feet.
Brian Allgar:
“They say that I’m tiny of hand.
It’s a lie, but I’ll let that one stand.
They can jeer at my feet,
But for one they can’t beat,
They should just see the size of my gland!”
Bob Turvey:
There’s a tale told in old Montreal,
Which goes, as I’m sure you recall,
That ALL feet are male –
Because, without fail,
Every foot that exists has a ball.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM)
Lisi Nortman:
Hubby no longer has any hair.
He has thrown out his comb in despair.
Now I can’t read in bed
On account of his head,
Which keeps sending a bald, blinding glare.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A snide critic who loved panning plays,
As he combed through his thoughts for a phrase,
Said of one ingenue,
“She can swoon right on cue.”
Alas, damning the girl with faint praise.
Rudy Landesman:
Every night he was combing the street
With the hope that someday he would meet
The love of his life.
(But don’t tell his wife!)
That corrupt guy was truly in heat.
Tim James:
I’m a faint imitation, it seems,
Of her idols, the men of her dreams.
I fall glaringly short
Of the men of the sort
That appear in the movies she streams.
Lisi Nortman, for her Senior Citizen Home Police Report:
“She fainted and fell off her chair,
Then muttered, ‘This Bingo ain’t fair,
Cuz I DID have B2
And I know what is true:
At my seat someone planted a glare.’”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Gail White, George Larson, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Michael R. Burch, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Light Verse Contest, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (514)
Saturday, September 16th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One political faction –a horde —
Abandoned the pen for the sword.
But its plan was derailed,
And the splinter group failed,
Because no one would sit on the board.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the PITCH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The underdogs pick up the slack.
Neck and neck in the ninth; they’ve come back!
Last play for the cup;
The pitcher winds up,
Then the power goes out, – it’s pitch black.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: SINK, REFUSE, DAWN, ALARMING, CROWD.
Groused Aurora, “The moon sinks anon.”
(But she knew that the show must go on).
“In so many words,
My job’s for the birds!”
There you have it — the first crack of Dawn.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award for his clever Indictment Saga:
Through the years I’d become very jaded.
Would Trump face the music? I waited.
I’d gotten quite bored.
Alvin Bragg then restored
A small measure of justice, belated.
The pitch of Trump’s whining got higher
As Jack Smith held his feet to the fire.
Stolen docs were the crux.
If you ask me, it sucks
They were left in the loo of a liar.
More charges were crowding the field
Because Smith was refusing to yield.
He proceeded to fix
The main blame for 1/6
As Trump’s sanity tottered and reeled.
A new day is beginning to dawn;
It’s alarming to think what went on.
Fani Willis may sink
All these mobsters, I think.
Like the shreds of Trump’s mind, they’ll be gone.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Justin OConnor, Sharon Neeman, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOARD or BORED-RHYME DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
Long after our water was poured
The waiter appeared, looking bored.
“I can tell by your suit
The specials are moot;
There’s nothing that you could afford.”
Brian Allgar:
They thought the much-feared water-board
Would unlock all the codes that were stored
In the Russian spy’s head,
But he told them instead:
“Most refreshing, that water you poured.”
Robert Schechter:
I’ve been Fermied and Einsteined and floored
By Dirac, and I’ve simply adored
Being Newtoned and Plancked.
All these men should be thanked.
But you asked about Niels? I was Bohred.
Janice Canerdy:
I was feeling neglected and bored.
Hubby kissed me. My low spirits soared.
I cooed, “Let’s go to bed.”
When he said, “Well, instead,
Would you fix me some lunch?” I was floored.
Lisi Nortman:
Her grounds for divorce struck a chord:
I asked, “How may I help you, Ms. Ford?”
Without shedding a tear,
Her answer was clear:
“For 55 years, I’ve been bored.”
Rudy Landesman:
At an opera he truly adored,
He never, no never, got bored.
In his own private box,
He pulled up his socks;
And in tune to the music he snored.
Brian Allgar:
Whenever the actor was bored,
He would dress as the Queen, and a horde
Of his friends came to tea,
Served with great majesty;
He never could reign, but he poured.
Rudy Landesman:
Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall
Made movies, and those were a ball.
Their films never bored.
Were they sexy? Oh, Lord!!
No need for their baring it all.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PITCH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
J.OConnor, for his Acrostic Pitch Limerick:
Prepare for a pitch that is great.
It might curve. It might sink or be straight.
The advice you should heed
Can be simple indeed.
Hit the ball if it’s over the plate!
Lisi Nortman:
Many sports lovers witnessed a pitch
With a very discomforting hitch:
The ball flew in the air
Unmistakably where
The batter would normally itch.
Sharon Neeman:
I’ve been given a Newf pup named Mitch.
When he runs, the whole house seems to pitch;
He barks and he drools
And he pees on my rules…
But (sigh) he’s so easy to scritch!
Terry Marter:
All I’m getting today from my muse,
Is a vacuous silence; no clues.
Each clever new pitch
I attempt, has a glitch
She could fix, put prefers to refuse.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A young rookie developed a glitch:
He’d swear (under his breath) when he’d pitch.
His old manager though,
Said, “Your pitch is too low.”
So he learned to yell, “Son of a bitch!”
Tim James, for his Imperfect Pitch:
A pianist who wasn’t too deft
Checked the key for a piece (to the left),
Saw one flat, and thought, “Gee!
This whole thing is in C!”
The result: his performance was F’ed.
J.OConnor:
He found a new spot, so he switched
From the place where his tent had been pitched.
The new spot he chose
Was where poison oak grows,
So he scratched all night long where it itched.
Terry Marter:
Whenever she tries to sing higher,
The sound she emits is quite dire.
She’s no Di’na Ross,
But she’s loved by her boss
Cuz she’s got the best tits in his choir.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder
A naked street artist named Dowd,
To an onlooker frankly avowed,
“I would never refuse,
To sketch YOU, if you choose,
But I’m happiest drawing a crowd.”
J.OConnor:
I know a nice fellow from Maine.
Who refuses to ever complain.
But a clog in his sink
Has him close to the brink,
’Cause his arm is still stuck in that drain!
Sharon Neeman:
Food pois’ning’s alarming, I think:
It makes an incredible stink!
Bad enough all that poo,
But the puke and the spew…
Come dawn, I must Drano my sink.
Lisi Nortman:
I awakened at dawn and I vowed
“No more lim’ricks!” (I screamed it out loud.)
Well, that lasted ONE day,
Cuz I can’t stay away–
Too far from the MADdening crowd.
Jean McEwen:
Overwhelmed by the mess in my sink
(Dirty dishes, beginning to stink)–
Then, a sudden caprice:
Dawn can handle that grease!
P&G draws me back from the brink.
Lisi Nortman:
I sank low, and I’d do it again;
I bent over backwards for Ken.
You might think it alarming,
But Ken is so charming,
That I helped him escape from the pen.
Tim James:
Said a guy who was amply endowed:
“Sure, this makes me stand out from the crowd.
Though some gals have refused —
They’re alarmed they’ll be bruised —
For the most part, the ladies are wowed.”
Rudy Landesman:
I refuse to get up before dawn.
I’d rather be quartered and drawn.
But don’t worry, my friends.
Before this day ends
I’ll be up and I’ll see you anon.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Paul Haebig, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Obituary, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (513)
Saturday, August 19th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to J.OCONNOR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
She swung on a swing and was swayed
By the sound of a song in the shade.
The song that was sung
By the swing that was swung
Was a sweet swinging soft serenade.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TEST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Barbie’s got a particular yen,
But her man flunked that test once again.
He said, “Sorry to fail ya;
I’ve no genitalia!”
So sex remains outside her ken.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: DUCK, GIFTED, JITTERY, MERGE, STAR.
There once was a plumber named Jack,
Whose pet duck, you might say, had his back.
When on jobs Jack would bend,
And display his rear end,
The fowl, gifted with hindsight, warned, “Quack!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Terry Marter, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Gail White, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Janice Canerdy, and J.OConnor. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEST-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
Though they told us full tests had been made,
We felt jittery as the thing swayed,
And we ducked, one and all,
When we thought it would fall …
But the Tower of Pisa has stayed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE-RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
When my lottery winnings were paid,
I figured, it’s time to upgrade!
So now I unload
On a golden commode,
Then wipe with a roll of fine suede.
Terry Marter:
I told mum he’d proposed, in my text.
Her reply, left me somewhat perplexed:
I’d remarked “I’ll be swayed,”
But my typo read “spayed.”
She wrote “PLEASE have kids, – DON’T get de-sexed.”
Tim James:
Said a friend of Van Gogh’s: “It’s now clear
Vincent’s case of depression’s severe.
He’s not easily swayed
By mere words, I’m afraid.
Should you see him, just lend him an ear.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A pastor who had no desire,
To threaten of brimstone and fire,
Said, “I’d rather persuade,
With a nice serenade.”
He was preaching, no doubt, to the choir.
Jean McEwen:
Can’t his acolytes see the charade?
Against Trump I have often inveighed.
Yet, I’ve yet to dissuade
Any MAGA folks; they’d
Sooner die than admit they’ve been played.
Terry Marter:
She dressed in the finest kid suede
In her quest to get lucky (that’s laid.)
In an area shaded,
She soon was dis-suede-ed
By a randy old goat in the glade.
Gail White:
The Fates can be hard to persuade,
When I’m hoping my fortune is made.
For I never quite seem
To accomplish my dream
To get rich, or get high, or get laid.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Said a tough-skinned and shrewd dairymaid,
To a callow young calf who had strayed,
“Keep your nose in the grass,
And cover your ass,
Or your gonna end up being swayed.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEST-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Bob Turvey:
Herbal cooking is now all the rage
So the wife studied herbs for an age.
If you ask, as a test,
“For this meal, which is best?”
Her answer will always be sage.
Brian Allgar:
The Producer said: “For your screen test,
You must first get completely undressed,
Then demurely recline
On this casting-couch. Fine!
Just relax, and let me do the rest.”
Lisi Nortman:
“Hello Mr. Tense. I’m Joe Shrink.
This test will reveal what you think.”
“Doc, it looks like some klutz
Flipped out and went nuts,
Then knocked over a bottle of ink.”
Tim James:
It’s exam time. Such anguish and woe!
I’ve not studied. I’m naked! Oh no!
Plus I can’t move or scream!
Wait…it’s only a dream.
What the hell? School was DECADES ago!
Bob Turvey:
Cried a lady, “My god what a whopper!
In use it should prove a show stopper!”
But when put to the test
It was lacking in zest
And it turned out to be a real flopper.
Dave Johnson:
His numbers are up as of late;
So Trump thinks indictments are great.
That notion, at best,
Would be put to the test
If “Guilty!” determines his fate.
Janice Canerdy, for her “A Student’s Rant:”
Them ole teechers is always such pests
With there homework and long, stoopid tests.
We already spells good,
And we talks like we should.
Their to mean to be pleezed with our bests!
J.OConnor:
Hermann Rorschach was not a great guest.
In fact, he was rather a pest.
He’d spill ink everywhere.
Stain your rugs and your chair.
Then tell you “It’s only a test.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
My friend was born gifted,- a star,
But I jitter when we’re in his car.
We came close to a merge
With a duck on a verge,
Now we’re three, on the verge, – in a bar.
Lisi Nortman:
When young, I could climb a big boulder.
I was gifted, but now I’m MUCH older.
The last time I merged,
I screamed and then purged,
And made a quick right to the shoulder.
Jean McEwen:
Even though I appear to be brave,
I feel jittery inside this cave.
Should my head fail to duck
I could forthwith get stuck.
Such an outcome would surely be grave.
Brian Allgar:
The film star was down on his luck;
He was not very gifted, the schmuck,
And he quacked when he spoke.
But they said: “Just the bloke!
He’ll be perfect to play Donald Duck!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Nervous Nellie in worry is stuck.
What is bound to befall her? Bad luck.
If she spies from afar
A divine shooting star,
She’ll jump out of her skin and yell, “Duck!”
Tim James:
A gifted young duck named McGee
Yearned to star in a show on TV.
But the nod went instead
To a horse, Mister Ed.
Show biz ain’t all it’s quacked up to be.
Dave Johnson:
The guys were quite nervous and jittery;
That Las Vegas club was so glittery.
Uneasiness surged
Till the showgirls emerged;
It seems they could handle the tittery.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Gail White, J.OConnor, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Robert Schechter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (512)
Saturday, July 22nd, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
At a lake, standing right at the brink,
An elephant raised a big stink:
“That damn swimming bunny
Is not a bit funny!
I hate when there’s hare in my drink!”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TASTE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I’m becoming increasingly stout,
So my doc has a diet to tout.
“It’s so simple and neat
To decide what to eat:
If you find it tastes good, spit it out.”
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: ACE, AFRAID, FUNCTION, JADED, UPSET.
Doctor Jones said, “Too bad you’re a smoker,
Cuz your heart functions look mediocre.
ACE Inhibitors work.”
Then he said with a smirk,
“Though they might hurt your chances in poker.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman, Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Bob Turvey, Jean McEwen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Justin OConnor, Rudy Landesman, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: DRINK or DRINKS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TASTE-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar
My appetite seems to be jaded;
My taste for fine claret has faded.
I’m afraid I now drink
Mostly plonk, but I think
That the quantity has been upgraded.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRINK or DRINKS-RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
I invited her up for a drink
And to show her my etchings (wink wink.)
But she turned out to be
Not a she but a he —
And from such situations I shrink.
Lisi Nortman:
At “talking the talk,” boy, I stink!
Yet, when walking, my legs are in sync.
Hence, I never should talk
While I’m “walking the walk,”
Though I’ll walk while I’m drinking the drink.
Terry Marter:
Some people, soon after one drink,
Make you wonder how low they can sink.
They’re so stupid and dumb
And appear to become
Evolution’ry scale’s missing link.
Brian Allgar:
I was hovering over the brink:
Should I have yet another stiff drink?
I’d already had six,
And they might not all mix …
What decided me? Hearing “clink, clink.”
Sharon Neeman:
While agrarian life has its charm,
Some country folk cause great alarm:
Those farmhands who think
They can drive while they drink
And not make someone else buy the farm.
Bob Turvey:
In Iran I once ordered a drink,
And the barman said, “All bears are pink?”
I said, “Don’t get arsey
I’m speaking in Farsi.”
And the Persian said, “That’s what YOU think!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
At a bar, when a gentleman winks
At a lady he thinks is a minx,
And she won’t do his bidding,
It means he was kidding,
When he offered to pay for her drinks.
Tim James:
If “drank” is the past tense of “drink”
And “sank” is the past tense of “sink,”
Why did people turn red
When I recently said
“I wank” when describing a wink?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TASTE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“I’m sorry, I know it’s a waste,
But it’s got such a horrible taste.”
So she spat it all out,
Leaving me in no doubt
That she couldn’t stand anchovy paste.
Jean McEwen:
Connoisseurs of fine foods (like flambé)
And fine wines (like, say, Pouilly-Fuissé)
Are convinced it’s debased
And in very bad taste
To hang out at Old Country Buffet.
Lisi Nortman:
Mama’s “batter-chip” cookies demand
A guinea pig who can withstand
Something soft and real gooey
And also quite chewy
Which tastes just like Play-Doh with sand.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I keep track of the girth of my waist —
All indulgences tallied and traced.
But a lick or a sip?
I let those numbers slip,
Since there is no accounting for taste.
Justin OConnor:
He worked as a cook and he toiled
For a queen who liked eggs only boiled.
When she tasted one fried,
She burst out and cried.
So he knew that the royal was roiled.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: ACE, AFRAID, FUNCTION, JADED, UPSET)
Rudy Landesman:
I’m too jaded to still get upset
When I have “senior moments”. But yet,
Do you think I’m afraid
I won’t ace getting laid
By not functioning deftly? You bet!
Terry Marter:
Flashing classified doc’s at a function,
He bragged with no sign of compunction.
Though his MO is jaded,
His ego’s not faded,
As he shrugs off one more court injunction.
Tim James:
“I have full human function,” said she,
“A hot android,” I answered with glee:
“I’m so ready! Let’s boff!”
Then her noggin popped off.
I’m afraid getting head’s not for me.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’m afraid I’ve begun to malfunction,
Since no longer do I feel compunction,
When I skip “Meet The Press”
And replace PBS
With old reruns of “Petticoat Junction.”
David Friedman:
Madeleine got quite upset
At the limericks she had to vet.
“I’m jaded, dismayed,”
She said, “And afraid
That these are as good as they get.”
Rudy Landesman:
A pitcher, who once was an Ace,
Has now, as is often the case,
Lost many a game;
And I fear for his fame.
I’m afraid that he’s also lost face.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award. To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Jean McEwen, Justin OConnor, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, June 24th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
At the power plant, newcomer Dwight
Was not very careful or bright;
He shorted the grid,
And, you know, when he did,
It both was and was not a delight.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TEACHER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My mentor at work taught me this:
Never tell the boss something’s amiss.
When he says something dumb,
Shut your mouth and stay mum;
And don’t ever forget what to kiss.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: JOINT, LOVELY, NAP, TAX, CONQUER.
Mused one caveman — a sensitive chap —
Before giving his woman a rap,
“I would take time to conquer
My instinct to bonk her,
But then I’d miss out on my nap.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Paul Haebig, J.OConnor, Terry Marter, Judy Freed, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: LIGHT/DELIGHT-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEACHER-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Tim James:
She pursued and eventually caught him.
It took a full day, but she taught him
All the ways to delight.
For the final that night,
His exam was complete, top to bottom.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHT/DELIGHT-RHYME DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
The dragon beseeched the brave knight:
“Would you help me, kind sir, in my plight?
The fire’s gone out
At the end of my snout.
Could you possibly give me a light?”
J.OConnor, for his “acrostic” limerick:
Look at me and you’ll see that I’m light.
I’m as light as a feather and might
Get airborne with ease,
Head off in the breeze,
Then get stuck in a tree like a kite!
Terry Marter:
If you tend to post lims when you’re pissed,*
Your subtle wit’s ‘gems’ will be missed.
Your talent, so bright,
Will fail to delight,
Cause no one but you, gets the gist.
*Inebriated
Judy Freed:
She thought she was losing her sight.
Her vision got blurry at night.
Her fears were erased
When her bulbs were replaced.
She could see! It was purely de-light.
Rudy Landesman:
He intended to kiss her that night
By the moon’s bright and silvery light;
But there was an eclipse.
He could not find her lips.
He too, it would seem, wasn’t bright.
Mark Totterdell:
In my youth, life was fun as could be,
But the years have made changes in me.
Now my greatest delight
Would be sleeping all night
With no need to get up for a pee.
Lisi Nortman, who adds that many drivers take the Lincoln Tunnel to get from New Jersey to NYC:
If you’re taking the “Lincoln” tonight,
At the end, you should make a quick right.
Though those hookers don’t know you,
They’re happy to show you:
At the end of the tunnel, there’s light.
Paul Haebig:
I wanted to serve something light,
So I made some fish tacos last night.
But it didn’t work out;
Those ungrateful trout
Swam off without even a bite!
Terry Marter:
Some regard bawdy lim’ricks as trite
And prefer Lim’rick Lite as their rite.
While some others, imbued
With a bent to be crude,
Tend to use words like ‘shite’ with delight.
Mark Totterdell:
A limerick mentioning light
Is a thing I am sure I could write.
I’ve got plenty of time
To come up with a rhyme.
Now just when is that deadline? Oh shite!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEACHER-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“Just explain how to do it,” she begs,
“And I’ll swallow it all to the dregs.”
“Grasp with fingers and thumbs,
Then suck hard till it comes …”
I had taught my old Gran to suck eggs.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’d like to give thanks to those teachers,
Who due to their no-nonsense features,
Helped build a foundation,
While real education,
Was going on under the bleachers.
Judy Freed:
All my life, how I’d hunger and yearn
For a love who would love in return.
Now I offer a course
In avoiding divorce.
’Cause we teach what we most need to learn.
J.OConnor:
Recommended by our local preacher,
She’s also a Sunday school teacher.
And she’ll accept checks
When you call her for sex.
But Sundays may be hard to reach her.
Bob Turvey:
Cried an old Orkney teacher named Stover,
“As a sadist I think I’m in clover.
Perhaps there are laws
On using the tawse,
But they don’t apply here so bend over.”
Lisi Nortman, who adds: “In 1969, I taught 5th grade for one year. One year was enough.”
If you want to teach 5th grade, beware!
You’ll repeatedly say this, I swear:
“Your hands don’t belong
In your pants; it’s just wrong.
And girls, please stop twirling your hair.”
Tony Holmes:
The instructor said, “Indicate right.”
I turned left. (You’ve discerned I’m not bright.)
For my second mistake,
I drove into the lake – –
They’re just keeping him in overnight.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: JOINT, LOVELY, NAP, TAX, CONQUER.)
Tim James:
A lovely girl carp known as Joy
Swiftly conquered the heart of each boy
In the fish pond. She’d flirt,
And then treat them like dirt.
It turned out she was just being koi.
Fred Bortz:
The lovely maid knew what he meant.
His eyes showed his evil intent.
He wouldn’t just conquer.
He’d ravish and bonk her
Until his desire was spent.
J.OConnor:
At night when the lights are down low
And his lovely wife’s watching a show,
He will say in her ear
“Are you napping my dear?”
Then she’ll always snore twice for a “NO.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When I doze with a wrap on my lap,
My young pup chews the thing into pap.
With his nose out of joint,
Soggy fluff makes his point:
“I have had quite enough of this nap!”
Dave Johnson:
When the bad news continues to tax,
We need to know how to relax.
Try napping or play;
Although some spend their day
Immersed in alternative facts.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I would write of the joints I have been to —
Taken women and children and men to —
But it’s best not to tax
My old brain for the facts
That I shouldn’t be putting my pen to.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award. To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, J.OConnor, Judy Freed, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 29th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A baker tried hard to adjust
When his shop was about to go bust.
Just a smidgen of “herb”
Made his products superb.
Now he’s part of the town’s upper crust.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the COURT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
All week I interpret in court,
Which, believe me, is work and not sport —
But I’ll take my (slim) check
To the bakery. Heck!
Not just perps can enjoy a good tort(e)!
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: PLANT, HOBBIES, LEARN, LIKEABLE, WARN.
Rose and Fern yearned to learn how to dance,
Yet they sat by the wall in a trance.
Said their mother, upset,
“Well, that’s what we get,
For naming our kids after plants.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, Sue Dulley, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, Keone Morienga, Terry Marter, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, David Friedman, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: JUST or UNJUST or ADJUST-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COURT-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I hope Trump isn’t limo’d, but bussed
Off to prison –not handcuffed, but trussed.
And when he complains
The Court will take pains
To give him more time to adjust.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JUST or UNJUST or ADJUST-RHYME DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
She pulled and she tugged and she fussed
And made efforts her blouse to adjust,
But the gap in her top
Caught the eye of a cop,
So her cleavage led right to her bust.
Sue Dulley:
My taxes are filed, only just!
They’ve been mailed and I now have to trust
They’ll be judged as correct
And no one will suspect
That I minussed when I should have plussed.
Jean McEwen:
If there’s one thing that gals find unjust,
It’s when guys, in the grip of their lust,
Think they’ve God-given passes
To grab tits and asses.
In a just world, they’d all bite the dust.
Lisi Nortman:
“Henry darling, will you please adjust
The volume? It’s late and I must
Listen right through the wall
To hear Judy and Paul.
I need some vicarious lust.”
Tony Holmes:
Spare a thought for the chap on the wane,
Whose one thought is, “I’ll never again …”
He is forced to adjust,
As his parts start to rust,
And – increasingly – opts to abstain.
Mark Totterdell:
The wife of a man from St Just
Had a truly spectacular bust,
Which she’d swing at his head
As they frolicked in bed
Till it rendered him badly concussed.
Keone Morienga:
If the world can be said to be just,
Then these three simple things are a must:
No more suffering; nor
The raw conflict of war;
Most importantly… flash me your bust?
Terry Marter:
The hooker had such a huge bust,
That her bra straps were hard to adjust.
Boobs suddenly out;
Killed the client – one clout!
’Twas his first try at sex … and his lust!
Brian Allgar:
I may need some time to adjust;
My target was “Seven or bust” –
For one week, I would sin,
Giving each one a spin,
But I still haven’t got beyond Lust.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (COURT-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman, who asks, “Remember this commercial?”
Michael Jordan claimed he won’t resume
His hooping, which triggered much gloom.
Although great on the court
In this fast-moving sport,
I prefer him in Fruit Of The Loom.
Dave Johnson:
“Not guilty, your Honor” he said,
When each of the charges were read.
His case went to trial;
Now there’s reason to smile:
No BLUE suits – just orange instead.
Fred Bortz, who describes it as “a bit of twisted history.”
Long ago in the Royal French Court
Lived a ruler (I’m sad to report)
Who, though having great strength,
Was deficient in length,
So his Queen called him Pepin the Short.
David Friedman:
A judge lacking reason and grace,
Who hates your religion or race,
Who isn’t too smart,
Has no mercy or heart,
Is us’lly the one who you’ll face.
Tim James:
“At the courthouse I saw lots of guys,
Big and strong, and with tears in their eyes,
Saying, ‘Sir, it’s unfair….’”
Wow, I can’t recall where
I’ve heard whoppers of similar size.
Lisi Nortman:
We courted in 1903.
I loved her and knew she loved me.
In 1904
I wanted much more.
So she finally showed me her knee.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: PLANT, HOBBIES, LEARN, LIKEABLE, WARN.)
Brian Allgar:
The enforcer is sent to warn those
Who’ve displeased the Big Boss; when he goes
Around doing his job, he
Indulges his hobby –
Collecting their fingers and toes.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A pretentious young fellow named Bobby,
Claimed he looked up big words as a hobby.
“I don’t like learning words,”
He revealed, “it’s for nerds.
But I really do love sounding snobby.”
Tim James:
There’s a spy at the greenhouse named Grant.
He’s a likeable guy, but he can’t
Learn the diff’rence between
A sweet pea and a bean.
He’s a ringer. You might say a “plant.”
Sue Dulley:
I just learned, and it makes little sense,
Some fine words like Defence and Offence
That seem perfect to me
In my hobby, The Bee,
Need an S, not a C! (Makes me tense.😫)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I was two when I learned that a horse
Could be banged on and beaten with force.
But that was the last time
I tried out this pastime.
(It was only a hobby, of course).
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Competition Limerick, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest, Writing Prompts
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (508)
Saturday, April 1st, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
When I was a very young man
I loved tractors as much as folk can.
An air-moving machine
Then came onto the scene –
And now I’m an extractor fan.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Wheels-Themed Limerick Award for his funny Limerick Travel Guide:
The folks are free-wheeling in Wheeling;
In Steele there’s a fair bit of stealing.
There’s NO fun at all
To be found in Blue Ball,
But in Fucking there’s lots of good feeling.
(Tim adds: “These are all real places. Wheeling is in West Virginia, Steele is in Missouri, Blue Ball is in Pennsylvania, and Fucking is in Austria (though they changed the name a couple of years ago because their street signs kept getting stolen.”)
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP.
Said a rock star whose cool name was Sloopy,
“My bedroom’s so hot, I feel loopy.”
Called his new PA man:
“I can’t sleep; need a fan.”
He was promptly supplied with a groupie.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Keone Morienga, Terry Marter, Mark Totterdell, Gail White, Tony Holmes, Jeremy Andrew, Lisi Nortman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE–RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
I was falling asleep on the can,
When into my mind this thought ran:
Are Mad’s lim’ricks obscene?
“FUCK!” See what I mean?
That’s probably why I’m a fan.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE–RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
The actors are doing a scene
Where one of them gets in between
Two others in bed;
Then there’s laughter instead.
(How threesomes make PG-13.)
Tim James:
I once stiffed a psychic named Jeanne.
I feel guilty, so now I’ll come clean.
She had billed me a grand
But I told her, “Pound sand!” —
Which was something she should have foreseen.
Keone Morienga, for his “127 Hours.”
When a boulder dislodged and then landed,
Aron Ralston thus found himself stranded.
Not the stickiest scene
In which he’s ever been,
He got out of that jam single-handed!
(An avid climber and adventurer, Aron Ralston cut off his own arm in 2003 to escape from 127 hours stuck in Utah’s Bluejohn Canyon.)
Terry Marter:
The forensic department is keen
To solve murders with info they glean.
They’ve just found a box
With six locks, under rocks.
Its contents? – Remains to be seen.
Brian Allgar:
For a limerick, smutty’s okay,
But scatology’s best kept away.
No point if they’re clean,
So they should be obscene
But not turd, is what I always say.
Mark Totterdell:
So a couple have sex on the screen,
It’s explicit, in close-up, obscene.
Well I guess you should know
It’s a BBC show
And a couple of rabbits I mean.
Tim James:
A sailor I’ve frequently seen
Has a noteworthy posture and mien.
One leg’s long, one leg’s short;
So she lists some to port.
Apropos, since her name is Eileen.
Dave Johnson:
When someone exclaims “that’s obscene!”
I’ll try to discern what they mean.
Expressing dismay
At some naughty display?
Okay, let me look at your screen…
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WHEELS–THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Gail White:
Said Grok, “I’ve invented the wheel.”
Said his fellow stone-agers, “Big deal:
Can’t eat it or throw it
Or play it or blow it…
Though at least it’s not easy to steal.”
Tony Holmes:
“Mistress Fortune, when spinning her wheel,
Seems to favor the blackguards with spiel:
Not the kind and the meek,
Who deserve a good week,
But the blighters who lie, cheat and steal.”
Jeremy Andrew:
When I’m driving, the passengers feel
Quite nervous as four tires squeal.
But they really turn white,
When I close my eyes tight
And I shout, “Jesus, please take the wheel!”
Lisi Nortman:
That scooter is great at the mart.
Sit down, press the button, then start.
Walking used to be fun,
But now I am done,
Cuz I can’t even wheel the damn cart.
Dave Johnson:
He purchased a self-driving car
For traveling both near and far.
As part of his deal,
They pre-programmed the wheel
To steer him back home from the bar.
One night on the way, he was stopped.
The officer noticed he’d propped
His feet on the dash;
Then an offer of cash
Was made by the car – Charges dropped.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A male cheetah with amorous zeal,
Watched the females, then made his appeal.
One gal saw a gazelle,
And replied, “Very well.
But first you must spring for a meal.”
Sharon Neeman:
My nutritionist, Dr. Jane Smith,
Says: “The need for big meals is a myth.
Watch your portions, I say,
And sleep eight hours a day —
But I surely won’t tell you who with.”
Jean McEwen:
My Apple Watch tells me I sleep
Like a log, never hearing a peep.
But I think it is lying
’Cause lying there, trying
To sleep, I just keep counting sheep.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A somnambulist said to a shrink,
“I’m a sleepwalker. What do you think?”
Said the doc, “I’m a fan
Of walking, so can
We meet up Friday night for a drink?”
Dave Johnson:
An airliner dumping its can
Flew over the house where a man
Was watching a game.
Through his ceiling it came;
And that’s when the shit hit the fan.
(True story – A few years ago, a Seahawks fan was watching a game
when a frozen block of lavatory waste discharged by an airliner
came crashing through his ceiling. Luckily, no one was hurt.)
Tim James:
A businessman thought he’d get far
As he watched a hot gal in a bar.
His attempt was a loss;
She was wed to his boss.
Now he sleeps and takes meals in his car.
Tony Holmes:
“I was roused from a very deep sleep,
Much annoyed at an incessant bleep
Which, invading my dreams,
Had undone all my schemes
To watch football in bed with Ms. Streep.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When a King feared his food had been basted,
With a poison, he’d have it pre-tasted.
If the taster fell dead,
The King watched him and said,
“What a pity — another meal wasted.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Jeremy Andrew, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (507)
Saturday, March 4th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One shy hermit with friends on the Net,
Prefers people that he’s never met.
He’s hoping to get a
Nice girlfriend on Meta —
One that comes with a virtual pet.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the CLASS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
He’s an art student — also, an ass.
When he draws a nude model, alas,
He enhances her tits
And her lower-down bits.
He’s advanced to the head of the crass.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.
I make all my own outfits from scratch,
From odd remnants of which I’ve a batch.
Says one friend who’s elite,
“Plaids and stripes are both sweet,
But perhaps you could do with a match.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, Charles Simmons, Tim James, Linda Thompson, Vaughn Fritts, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Jon Gearhart, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bindy Bitterman, and Lisi Nortman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (NET-RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
The hooker was starting to sweat
At the task that she found she’d been set.
Though she said she could toot
On her customer’s flute,
His was more like a bass clarinet.
Terry Marter:
“You’ve won,” said this gal on the net.
“A two-for-one trip to Tibet.”
I sent her the dough
And packed ready to go.
But I haven’t heard back from her yet.
Charles Simmons:
He hit his last ball in the net
And lost the last point in the set.
He started to scream,
Just to let off some steam,
Then noticed his pants getting wet.
Tim James, for his “The State of the Union.”
The question, once Biden got set:
How insane would Republicans get?
Though opinions were varied,
Each Dem should have carried
Some tranqs and a butterfly net.
Linda Thompson:
In winter I wore for a bet
A flimsy pink dress made of net.
My nipples? They froze!
And so did my nose.
They haven’t thawed out, as of yet.
Tim James:
“Be my wingman,” he begged me. “Get set,
’Cause this bar has the hottest girls yet.
Look around. You’ll agree:
Lots of fish in the sea.
Be a pal; help me haul in the net.”
Vaughn Fritts:
A fisherman tossed in the towel
And yelled at the fish with a scowl.
“By hook or by net
You’re too hard to get!
Let this be your funeral cowl!”
Tim James:
He didn’t intend to beget
A child with the barmaid, Yvette.
Still, he’ll “do the right thing”
For his butt’s in a sling
As he faces her dad’s bayonet.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLASS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
“I once took some courses at Bard’s
And went for the darn whole nine yards.
In one music class
I heard Philip Glass
Wrecking music and leaving just shards.”
Dave Johnson:
When students are let out of class,
The beach is one big, teeming mass.
Spring breakers descend;
When will this ever end?
One way to describe it: morass.
Tim James:
A classless Floridian gov
Is competing for right-wingers’ love.
The nonsense he spews
Insults anyone who’s
Got an IQ of 12 or above.
Jean E McEwen:
Though decidedly born middle class,
Dee feels strongly compelled to surpass
Her peers in their standing
But, what a crash landing!
She’s hit a thick ceiling of glass.
Tony Holmes:
“To be born lower-class doesn’t mean
That you have to stay humble, old bean.
You may rise through the ranks,
Make a pile and own banks,
And become nouveau riche – and obscene.”
Vaughn Fritts:
The waitress thought he was an ass
And thoroughly lacking in class.
He picked up the tab
For lobster and crab
But tipped her in belches and gas.
Mike Moulton:
“Being woke,” says DeSantis, “is wrong.”
Being diff’rent means you don’t belong.
By ignoring the past
The future is cast,
So the weak can be crushed by the strong.
Dave Johnson:
The x-rated call-up was crass;
Auditioning actors with sass.
One fellow was sought
For the member he brought
And rose to the head of the class.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.)
Jean McEwen:
In the annals of studs, he’s elite,
For his cock measures nearly two feet!
His dong is so long,
It’s the subject of song
And a treat for all women in heat.
Terry Marter:
Here’s a long story short: We’re a match.
It’s our second time ’round (that’s the catch.)
But we’re over the glitch
And we still got the itch,
So tonight we’ll be starting from scratch.
Jon Gearhart:
The police in my town aren’t discrete.
Their rep is well-known on the street.
In their need to loom large,
(Elite/Pushy/In charge)
They make certain they don’t miss a beat.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
One walrus bull, still in his youth,
Was pushy and often uncouth.
He approached a young cow,
Barking, “Let’s do it NOW —
Before we get long in the tooth!”
Terry Marter:
She was rich; an elite — quite a catch.
For a lowly policeman, no match…
Or so one might think.
But he gave her a wink;
Now they’re married with kids (quite a batch.)
Bindy Bitterman:
The police here are known to be tough.
Arresting you’s just not enough.
You fight back and you’re pushy?
You’ll land on your tushy,
’Cause none of ’em take any guff!
Lisi Nortman, for her “Very Mean Mother.”
“How in hell will you find a good catch,
When all of your outfits don’t match?
Listen up, ‘old maid’ Ruth:
You are long in the tooth.
Get movin’ before your eggs hatch!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bindy Bitterman, Brian Allgar, Charles Simmons, Competition Limerick, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Thompson, Lisi Nortman, Mike Moulton, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Vaughn Fritts, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, February 4th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A stripper whose outlook was screwed,
With her crowds got increasingly rude.
So she took some time off.
(Not a thread did she doff.)
Then returned to work, fresh and re-nude.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the DESTRUCTION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
One cat, with just four little paws
And some teeth in her two tiny jaws,
Pushed three plates off the table,
Ate all she was able,
And puked on the rest. Why? Because.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL.
To keep this year’s diet on track,
I’ve developed a three-step attack;
Not a punishing stride,
but a nice, easy slide–
One step forward, another two back.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Tim James, Doug Harris, Don Lazarre, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, Jean McEwen, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RUDE, RUED or ROOD-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
A starving philosopher rued
That day when he busked in the nude.
Naked truth in the street
Didn’t help make ends meet,
But it DID give him more thought for food.
Lisi Nortman:
As a carpenter, I could tell tales
Of all of my sweat and travails.
Standing here, at the rood,
I’m beginning to brood,
Cause they’re using the wrong kind of nails.
Terry Marter:
When the Haiku police came, I rued
The day that I wrote one ’bout food:
The subject was Thyme,
But I’d slipped in a rhyme.
I must now eat my words or be sued.
Rudy Landesman:
From Russia, that much troubled nation,
There’s news that has caused a sensation.
When folks there allude
To Putin as rude,
They’re subject to defenestration.
Tim James:
While in England, and looking for food,
I sought help from a whimsical dude.
He said, “Eighty roods down,
Take a left into town.”
Thanks a lot. What the hell is a rood?
Doug Harris:
The media hypers are glued
To Prince Harry’s pulp fiction and feud.
It’s a sorry affair
That he feels like a Spare,
But to blame his old dad is just rude!
Don Lazarre:
To Santa, she wrote “I ask you:
‘When sleeping, you SEE us. That true?
If you do, that is rude
Cuz I sleep in the nude!
And ain’t THAT worth a present or two?’”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
There once was a lamplighter dude,
Whose career choice was one that he rued.
His one true desire?
To be the town crier;
So he stood in the street and boo-hooed.
Dave Johnson:
Some kind of morality nut
Described it as “vertical smut.”
Though seemingly lewd,
It’s not meant to be rude;
Cuz twerking is anything butt.
Mark Totterdell:
I hope that, with skill and with luck,
This rhyme won’t descend into muck
With a word that is crude
And offensive and rude
At the end of the fifth line. Oh f**k!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DESTRUCTION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
At the altar of Mammon he kneeled
And prayed for some bonds with high yield.
In this God he did trust,
But the market went bust;
And no longer is he so well-heeled.
Jean McEwen:
Matt Goetz has set out to destroy
Civil order; he’ll use any ploy
To help burn down the House.
He’s a certified louse,
With disdain for the mass hoi polloi.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I asked a Republican pundit:
“Our Democracy, sir, have you shunned it?”
“We’ve destroyed it,” he said,
“But it isn’t quite dead,
So we’re passing a bill to defund it.”
Tim James:
The crew of a starship took stock
Of the Earth. They regarded in shock
War, destruction, and hate.
Their report home will state:
“No intelligent life on this rock.”
Dave Johnson:
His brainchild was nervy and brash;
Investing in digital cash.
While some made a buck,
Many others were stuck;
Invited to join in the crash.
Rudy Landesman:
A concern in the bedroom was key
In destroying my marriage for me.
She left me one day.
So, what’s there to say?
My dildo was cursed with E.D.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION – STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL)
Lisi Nortman:
The masochist “I Love Pain” Flo
Begged “Punish me, dear darling, Joe.”
In a very swift stride
“Sadist Joe” went outside.
(Before closing the door, he said, “No!”)
Jean McEwen:
Denied bail, Stu was fit to be tied,
Refusing to take it in stride,
As the price to be paid
When one murders the maid
And then boils and ingests her raw hide.
Brian Allgar:
I decided to punish the fly.
“You’ve annoyed me too long, you must die!”
I attempted to swat it,
And thought I had got it –
Instead, it flew into my eye.
Lisi Nortman:
I hired your handyman Phil.
He walked in, but it wasn’t a thrill,
Cuz he opened his fly,
And I said, with a sigh,
“That does NOT take the place of a drill.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“I would send a nice letter — oh, fie!”
Charlotte scrawled, “But no paper have I.
It was handy last year,
But I’ve lost it, I fear.
So I’m writing to you on the fly.”
Tim James:
“I know art, lit, and science,” said I.
“I’m a suave, cultured Renaissance guy.”
Said my date, “Epic fail!
One last thing, then I’ll bail:
Leonardo, please zip up your fly.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Don Lazarre, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | 3 Comments »
Sunday, November 13th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Once, a gentleman bought me a dress,
With a size label bigger than “s.”
In spite of its cost,
The garment got tossed,
While I muttered, “So much for largesse.”
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special SINGING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Poor Dorothy asks with a cry,
“If 𝑏𝑖𝑟𝑑𝑠 can fly, why then can’t I?”
How sweetly she sings!
But she doesn’t have wings,
And to answer her question, that’s why.
Congratulations to KEN GOSSE, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL. (Somehow KEN GOSSE managed to use all five of them.)
Ken Gosse:
Miss Muffet’s quick eye spied a spider
In a rush to the seat right beside her.
She soon left this vale
Not by snail, but speed rail,
With a bite from that tiny, pale rider.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Edmund Conti, Lydia Porter a/k/a Cabbie Monaco, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Bob Turvey, Elizabeth M. Baker, Sue Dulley, Gail White, Brian Allgar, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: DRESS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
I was sure that she gave me the eye,
So I took the next seat; squeezed her thigh.
Then she let me caress;
Slide my hand up her dress,
Where I quickly found out, she’s a guy!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRESS-RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
I’m really not bright, I confess,
And my brain’s an embarrassing mess.
My neurons are spent!
I thought “Gettysburg” meant
Not a speech, but a type of a “dress.”
Tim James says:
When she gave him the slightest caress,
He embraced her and pawed at her dress.
“What a creep!” you may say.
But it’s really OK:
He’s a pup. They excel at excess.
Edmund Conti:
Excuse me, I’m under some stress,
Having made my last lim’rick a mess.
You see, I must squint
When I read the fine print–
Please use “dress,” please use “dress,” please use “dress!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Many deeds in my past had tongues wagging,
And for years my atonement’s been lagging.
But I still can’t redress,
All my sins and confess,
Because God always knows when I’m bragging.
Lisi Nortman:
Although she enjoyed her success,
Working “retail” gives rise to much stress.
Selling women’s wear’s tough,
And what makes it so rough
All day long it’s re-dress and redress.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Once, a fierce fashionista named Zach,
Told his boss, “I am on the attack!”
But he made a big mess
When creating a dress
Out of gunny. So Zach got the sack.
Tim James:
I’m a dud with the ladies, I guess.
When I asked for a date, lovely Jess
Told me, “Meet me at eight
At my place. Don’t be late.”
Then she gave me a bogus address.
Robert Schechter:
You’re correct that my clothes are a mess.
Yours are better, I freely confess.
But I have you beat
If we’re asked to compete
For the title “Most Fun to Undress.”
Cabbie Monaco:
Applying for jobs, gurus stress
That at interviews you must impress.
Don’t make a mistake
Like my bearded mate, Jake.
He turned up in a scarlet silk dress.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SINGING DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
We ladies at “Sunset” are shrewd.
We don’t sing in the shower; it’s lewd.
Cause then we will dance,
Likely slip, and perchance
The Medics will notice we’re nude.
Mark Totterdell:
Any time I attempt karaoke,
Whether poppy or rocky or folky,
Though I think I’m a star
With the best voice by far,
I am really all tuneless and croaky.
Paul Haebig:
Our feelings, I know, differ vastly,
But I’ve always been fond of Rick Astley.
He is awfully cute!
We can watch him on “mute,”
Since you think that his singing is ghastly.
Terry Marter:
I am singing a beautiful song;
My voice sounds so good; can’t go wrong.
Then my friend’s voice breaks in:
“What the fuck is that din?
Quit the wailing, – and put down that bong.”
Sjaan Vandenbroeder:
My attempts to learn lyrics fell flat.
Karaoke, though, took care of that.
I mouth into the mike,
Any jabber I like,
And there’s always some guy who’ll yell, “Scat!”
Tim James:
When she sings, the collection of “notes”
She emits as she squirms and emotes
Is as soothing and sweet
As an ungulate’s bleat.
Oh my God, that’s an insult to goats.
Terry Marter:
On the shore; through the storm, I would sing.
As waves crashed, to love’s mem’ries I’d cling.
Held my pearls to the sky,
With a tear in my eye, –
Then they broke, and I swallowed some bling.
Tim James:
A chordophone-plucking jamoke
Crooned his ballads for Renaissance folk.
His gal gave him the boot
And made off with his lute —
Thereby leaving the guy flat baroque.
Rudy Landesman:
So now that I’m no longer young,
I’ve sharpened the bite of my tongue.
But don’t ask me why
I let sour notes fly.
It’s best we leave that song unsung.
Bob Turvey:
In China when springtime is young
And shoots from the ground have just sprung
To help them along
Folk sing them a song
And the singer is often called Sung.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL) .
Edmund Conti:
Whenever you rush for a seat
You’ll find some young girl has you beat.
But don’t make a fuss
You are not on a bus.
It’s Musical Chairs, so compete!
Sjaan VandenBroeder
Snidely Whiplash, a dastardly male,
Rushed to tie lovely Nell to the rail.
I am bound to feel pain,”
She said, hearing the train,
“But I’d rather do this than eat kale.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
At the show, first in line for the loo,
Aesop’s hare eyed a snail in the queue.
Why’d the rabbit retreat,
And rush back to his seat?
Some might say that he sensed déjà vu.
Elizabeth M. Baker says:
The post office “rushes” my mail,
But slowness will always prevail.
In mail-time we speak;
One day is a week,
And that’s ‘cause the mailman’s a snail!
Sue Dulley:
She left the north-west in a gale
And travelled to London by rail.
She needed to rush
(Ask her why and she’ll blush)
But the train was as slow as a snail.
Gail White:
A snail took a seat on a rail
And watched as the sunrise grew pale,
When a snail in the grass
Shouted, “Watch it, you ass!
Behind you a train’s coming! Bail!
Brian Allgar:
This eye-catching race never fails;
All the seats were jam-packed to the rails.
Bang! The starting-gun shot,
But a rush it was not –
The event was a race between snails.
Terry Marter:
On a bright winter’s day, a cute snail
Warmed himself on a sunlit steel rail.
Then along came the rain,
And a rather large train.
Sunbathe Fail. End of snail. End of tale.
Lisi Nortman:
“Take a seat”, said the eye doctor, Scott.
Heard he’s thorough, I liked him a lot.
I asked, “Can I see
Your notes about me?”
He smiled and said, “Probably not.”
Jean McEwen:
A letter, these days, sent by mail
Seems to move at the pace of a snail.
Ask the postman to rush?
He will just retort: “Hush!”–
And annoyingly, then, drag his tail.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Cabbie Monaco, Edmund Conti, Elizabeth M. Baker, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (502)
Saturday, October 15th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Should Trump chance on a thought, then he’ll share it;
He loves nothing so much as to air it.
He’ll give to mankind
A piece of his mind,
Even though we all know he can’t spare it.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special BANK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
At the bank, works a woman named Heller;
The job that she does isn’t stellar.
Her cash counts are wrong,
And her lines slow and long.
Is there nobody there who will tell ’er?
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: YAWN, CLAIM, SPORTS, LAZY, FEARLESS.
An old rancorous widow named Maisie,
Liked to claim her late husband was lazy.
When she’d visit his plot,
She’d say, “Just as I thought —
Now he won’t even push up a daisy.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Trevor Alexander, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Sue Dulley, Steve Benko, and Elizabeth M. Baker. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: MIND or MINED or REMIND-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BANK-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
The bank-teller claimed, with a yawn,
“I’ve been working all night until dawn.
Counting bank-notes, I find,
Bores me out of my mind –
I would rather count grass on the lawn.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MIND or MINED or REMIND-RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
“I must have been out of my mind,”
Said the stripper, “to get in this bind.
I’m knocked up by a slob
And it’s cost me my job.
So now I’ve a bump — with no grind.”
Lisi Nortman:
I wrote a bad verse, using “mined.”
This mistake shows my mind has declined.
I rhymed low with hello.
That’s a mega “no-no,”
So to “Lim’rick Jail” I’ve been assigned.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When my brain’s in a dither, I find
A quick means to achieve peace of mind:
I take all the TP
Off the roll just to see
That there’s always some way to unwind.
Terry Marter:
Since you saw me last year, am I fatter?
I have tried using mind over matter.
With this matter in mind:
My tum? My behind?
Looking back we can see, – it’s the latter.
Dave Johnson:
She told him “I hope you don’t mind,
But this is the way I unwind.”
Her getting undressed
Set the stage for the rest;
Extending a date that was “blind.”
Trevor Alexander:
Well I must have been out of my mind,
When my girlfriend asked if her behind
Looked big in that dress:
My mouth told her, “Yes.”
Now to singleton life, I’m resigned.
Mark Totterdell:
I have fallen so very behind
That I guess I’m completely resigned
To the fact there’s no time
To come up with a rhyme
For this contest that has the word ‘mind.’
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BANK-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
“Granny loves you and wants to express
Her hopes for your future success.
She sent five dollars, Frank!
Put it right in the bank.
And in time, you will see it’s worth less.”
Terry Marter:
He approached the head teller (in floral)
To tell ’er he wanted some oral.
They snuck in a closet;
He left his deposit,
Then hastily made a withdrawal.
Rudy Landesman:
On the banks of the old Jordan River
Sat King Herod; and, Lord, did he quiver!
He’d caught with some guilt a
Fat fish called gefilte.
And that, my good friends, ain’t chopped liver.
Lisi Nortman:
The first thing I felt was a tickle.
The tickle turned into a trickle.
We all had to “go”
Cause the bank line was slow.
Seems that Joe way upfront lost a nickel.
Roger Haugen:
You’d call it a pretty dumb prank,
To hold up the town’s biggest bank;
But he grabbed all the cash
And took off in a flash,
Firing only one bullet – a blank.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I like banks that are caches for dough,
But the tilt of an airplane? Oh no!
I love banks with a slope
To a lake, but say. “Nope!”
To the ones that are made up of snow.
Banks of lights at a gala are cool,
As are bank shots in b-ball and pool;
Plus I’m an admirer,
Of Banks known as Tyra
(Though I can’t rhyme her name as a rule.)
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: YAWN, CLAIM, SPORTS, LAZY, FEARLESS)
Tim James:
An artist who’s claimed to be fearless
Sports a look that is utterly peerless.
Surpassing Van Gogh,
He makes buckets of dough
Painting “Starry Night” knockoffs while earless.
Jean McEwen:
While the masses exhibit élan
Watching spectator sports, hanging on
To their team’s every play,
I prefer the ballet.
Watching sports gives me one great big yawn.
Sue Dulley:
In sports, I’m both fearless and lazy,
I won’t train if it’s wet, hot or hazy;
Not afraid to come last
As I have in the past,
Running slow, looking fresh as a daisy.
Tim James:
She claimed as she stifled a yawn:
“All the fun in our marriage is gone.”
He was too dense to fear
That the ending was near —
Till he found his stuff out on the lawn.
Terry Marter:
My brother, at cycling, is fearless.
He’s a champ, and I’d claim that he’s peerless.
He’s active and zealous;
I’m lazy, but jealous,
So I sold all his stuff; now he’s gear-less.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
The mere thought of a trip makes me wan;
I’m too lazy to get up at dawn,
Or to ruin a nap,
Just to look at a map,
And then roam about hither and yawn.
Steve Benko:
“To bet you will win would be crazy,”
Said the friends of a tortoise named Daisy.
But she claimed, “See that yawn?
All your jew’ls go and pawn,
For at sports that hare’s fearless but lazy.”
Elizabeth M. Baker:
To encourage a good health report,
My doctor advises a sport.
I claimed to do one,
But it just wasn’t fun —
So my lifetime will have to be short!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Elizabeth M. Baker, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Trevor Alexander, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (501)
Saturday, August 20th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
An imprudent old glutton called Jake
Ate his way through a hundred ounce steak
And a bucket of fries
Of extravagant size.
They served salad, that’s all, at his wake.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special BARS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A triangle player called Lars
Was cornered by three police cars.
Since that car chase from hell,
He now lives in a cell
Where he rests, counting time through the bars.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: SHOP, RUN, NEWS, WARNING, FIRST.
When I opened a Mom and Pop Shop,
First my Ma thought it over-the-top.
But then she — never mirthless —
Said, “Frankly, I’m worthless,
But we’ll ask a good price for your Pop.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Johnston, Terry Marter, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Michael Moulton, Steve Benko, Jean McEwen, Gail White, Lydia Porter a/k/a Cabbie Monaco, and John Davison. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: STAKE/STEAK/MISTAKE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BAR-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Steve Johnston:
The warning at first was bad news:
All wine shops might run out of booze.
So much was at stake,
That I rushed out to slake
My thirst at some bars with some brews.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (STEAK or STAKE or MISTAKE-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
I pre-ordered our meal by the lake,
But the restaurant staff need a shake:
Asked for fillet (by phone);
What I got was T-bone.
Now the bone of contention’s my steak!
Tim James:
A gal named Marie Antoinette
Didn’t grasp just how bad things could get.
With her noggin at stake
She cried, “Let them eat cake!”
’Twas an outburst she came to regret.
Lisi Nortman:
This Haiku-Off’s a real piece of cake.
It’s so easy I have to partake:
“Soft rain, winsome day,
The unfolding of May.”
(I think I just made a mistake.)
Brian Allgar:
The Donald decided to take
All the classified docs, as his stake.
If he ran out of cash,
He could sell the whole stash
To his very good buddy, the Sheikh.
Rudy Landesman:
In Paris I spent all my dough
On a painting by Señor Miró.
But I made a mistake;
Didn’t know ’twas a fake.
They spoke French when they said that it’s “faux.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Warning signs say I’m old; I feel cursed.
Yet my mem’ry is not at its worst.
In fact now when I make
Any kind of mistake,
I can honestly claim it’s my first.
Lisi Nortman:
If your shoulders feel tight and they ache,
You should try the same treatments I take.
The needles are small
And they don’t hurt at all,
If you like being jabbed with a stake.
Mike Moulton:
When Pericles, once a young rake,
Solved a riddle his life was at stake:
It regarded a king,
Whose incestuous fling
Was more than the poor prince could take.
Steve Benko:
“Go ahead, through my heart drive that stake,”
Sneered the Count; “It’s so cheap it will break.”
Van Helsing replied,
“There’s no need to be snide,
And it’s daytime — how come you’re awake?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BARS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
At “Senior Life,” wow, we’ve come far:
Our strip shows are wild and bizarre!
We have sex ev’ry night
Till the dawn’s early light.
In our showers, there’s even a bar.
Rudy Landesman:
Diabetics, and this I do know,
Should cut out all sugar. And so,
Goodbye candy bars!
And this really scars —
My sweet sugar daddy must go.
Tim James:
An impulsive young fellow named Lars
Had a yen for fast women and cars.
He’d no money, the schlub,
So he held up a pub.
Now he’ll spend three to five behind bars.
Terry Marter:
Couldn’t sleep (I’d tried counting the stars.)
Music worked ’cause it drowned-out the cars.
But I woke with a start
When, before the best part,
It just stopped, – after thirty one bars.
Lisi Nortman:
“We are no longer called “Pub McGee.”
Sorry patrons, the news is that we
Have lost our permit.
All the bartenders quit,
And our new name is “BYOB.”
Jean McEwen:
To hear sad-sacks and hapless bums croon,
The best place is your local saloon.
For a moderate cost
You yourself can get sauced
And then belt out your own maudlin tune.
Gail White:
All the cool writers hang out in bars
With the painters and big movie stars,
But I and my friends
When the night’s drinking ends
Sit in subways and strum our guitars.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Mad is looking around for a pun;
Geez, I hope I can come up with one…
“Guy walks into a bar,
Breaks his nose — hardy har!”
Ah, voila! Now my day’s work is done.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION — “SHOP, RUN, NEWS, WARNING, FIRST”)
Lisi Nortman:
“I’m your hostess, and please be aware:
In our ‘First Class’ you’ll get special care.
I have warned those in “coach”
That each snack has a roach,
And they all have to pee at O’Hare.”
Tim James:
See us first when you want to buy weed!
Ours is best, as you’ll gladly concede.
If you want to get high,
My fine missus and I
Run the mom-and-pop pot shop you need.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
On the news we’re warned, “Carry a mask”
And a gun, in case shopping’s your task.
But for me the best way,
To keep worries at bay,
Is, quite simply, to carry a flask.
Lydia Porter a/k/a Cabbie Monaco:
When I was a kid I drank pop
That I bought from the local sweet-shop.
Back home I would run
’Cos I thought it was fun
When the fizz popped the cap off the top.
Lisi Nortman:
“Oh, Mom I have wonderful news!
I’ll never again sing the blues.
I hit a home run,
And the other team won.
But ours was the FIRST one to lose.”
John Davison:
If I buy too much stuff in the shop,
There’s a risk that some items I’ll drop;
As I’m frequently cursed,
The eggs will fall first,
Then I’ll sheepishly ask for a mop.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve lost facts that my brain has mislaid,
Let run dry, or repressed, or made fade.
So it seems kind of lame,
That it still stores the name
Of the teacher I had in first grade.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Gail White, Jean McEwen, John Davison, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Lydia Porter, Mark Totterdell, Mike Moulton, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Steve Johnston, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (499)
Saturday, July 23rd, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this crafty 2-verse limerick:
Tim James:
Penny glared at the “food” on her plate.
“Are you trying to make me lose weight?”
She inquired of her guy.
“That’s not fit for a sty!
As a drain cleaner, though, it’s first-rate.”
Harry knew he’d been properly chaffed.
“I guess cooking’s beyond me!” he laughed.
He escaped Penny’s glare
When he learned to prepare
Mac and cheese sold in boxes by Kraft.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special CRAFT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A comedical poet of note,
On the subject of lim’ricks once wrote:
“Call it craft, call it art,
Me, I don’t give a fart.
Do whichever it is floats your boat.”
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: COMPLAINT CELL FORBID QUIRKY BOIL. (It’s also also a CRAFT-Themed limerick.
Lisi Nortman:
The motif I designed very well
Is a smash with my rich clientele.
Haven’t heard one complaint!
And I’ve named it, “The Quaint
Martha Stewart Traditional Cell.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Johnston, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Steve Benko, Bob Turvey, Michael Moulton, Byron Miller, Mark Totterdell, Trevor Alexander, Rudy Landesman, Richard Campbell, Dane Paulsen, Tim James, Robert Martinez, Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Woodstock Taylor, and Christophe Gowans. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: PLATE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A gal with a braid long and straight,
Who desired a twist more ornate,
Dressed her tresses with bling
(A new wave, quirky thing),
Then complained, “I’ve too much on my plait!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: CRAFT-THEMED LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Steve Johnston:
In his cell they forbid pastel paint,
But the artsy con curbs his complaint.
His blood’s at a boil,
Yet he will not roil.
He’s quirky, but whiner he ain’t.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PLATE-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The waitress I wanted to date
Tripped and fell in my lap. (It was fate.)
“You saved me!” she said.
The first thought in my head?
“She’s been handed to me on a plate.”
Lisi Nortman:
Oh, what an imposing estate!
It’s in very good taste, yet ornate.
We drank wine from Lalique.
The sterling was chic.
And each guest had a posh paper plate.
Steve Benko:
“If you leave any food on your plate,
You will suffer a terrible fate,”
Said the parents. “Okay,”
The boy answered, “But hey,
As to sins, did you know I’m not straight?”
Bob Turvey:
There was a young fellow named Bunn
Who was shot in the head with a gun.
A large metal plate
Caused the pain to abate
And made airport security fun.
Mike Moulton:
The Queen (bless her heart) was irate
When she saw Emsley’s portrait of Kate;
With the paint hardly dry,
She let out a cry:
“I’ll have that man’s head on a plate!”
Byron Miller:
The amount he had piled on his plate,
Made some “all you can eat” guests irate.
Once his meal had been tabled,
Chit-chat was disabled:
His dinner had hidden his date.
Mark Totterdell:
At the trendy new place where we ate,
Food was served on a board, or a slate,
Or a piece of rare vinyl,
Or old cracked urinal,
Or anything else but a plate.
Trevor Alexander:
In a chat with my long-time best mate
Who’d a penchant for putting on weight,
I confided I felt
That he’d be rather svelte
If he ate from a much smaller plate.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CRAFT-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Steve Benko:
“We think women do witchcraft in Salem,”
Said the mayor. “We find ’em and nail ’em.”
The Supreme Court rejoined,
“Women’s rights we’ve purloined!”
And a mullah just shrugged, “Here, we veil ’em.”
Rudy Landesman:
I sought help from a clown of renown.
“My jokes,” I said, “make people frown.”
He said, “Nobody laughed?
You should first hone your craft.
And then you must dumb your jokes down.”
Steve Johnston:
On hearing my warning, they laughed:
“You silly twit, you must be daft.
There is no need to panic!
We’re on the Titanic.
No iceberg can threaten this craft!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
To my Craftsman-style house came a “crafter,”
Paid to tear down a rotted old rafter.
I asked, “Load-bearing wall?”
He said, “Too soon to call.
But no worries — I’ll let you know after.”
Richard Campbell:
Some say lim’ricks are simple to craft.
But those folks are decidedly daft.
It’s so easy to goof,
And I’ll proffer as proof:
This last line was my seventeenth draft.
Dane Paulsen:
Carving models – a difficult craft;
I wanted to cry, but just laughed
When I lost a firm grip
And I caused chisel-slip,
Turning sailing ship into a raft.
Tim James:
Said a crafty investor named Schmidt
(Who had dabbled in crypto a bit):
“It’s the ol’ pump-and-dump —
Last guy in is a chump —
But for now it’s still semi-legit.”
Lisi Nortman:
Using witchcraft is no longer fun.
I’ve promised myself that I’m done.
No more casting love spells
In those sleazy motels;
Doesn’t work, the men see me and run.
Robert Martinez:
Whether boat or a raft or pontoon,
I can shrug off the fiercest typhoon.
Hell, just give me a plank;
Your ass I’ll still spank
In a sailing race to Cameroon.
Terry Marter:
In the lane-way, the art-n-craft gallery
Is a ‘front’ for the hot hooker (Valerie.)
It’s well known: ‘Backstreet Vally’
Lures men up her alley;
They’re the real source of Valerie’s salary.
Steve Benko:
My limerick writing’s a craft;
I work hard on them, draft after draft.
One night a bad dream
Made me wake up and scream;
At my entries, Mad Kane hadn’t laughed.
Mark Totterdell:
Old Noah was not at all daft
In the way that he loaded his craft,
Taking trouble to store
Both the lions to the fore,
And the zebras and antelopes aft.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
There are those who would never complain,
Should the Other Guy’s future domain,
Be a place with a lock —
One small cell in a block —
An apt tribute, perhaps, to his brain.
Paul Haebig:
He managed in prison quite well
And he soon learned to cope in his cell.
Some things they forbid
And those things he hid…
But just where, I would rather not tell.
Brian Allgar:
The hooker used terms that were quirky:
Straight sex became “Stuffing the Turkey.”
A hand-job (how quaint!)
She called “Portnoy’s Complaint,”
And a blow-job she sold as “Beef Jerky.”
Dave Johnson:
I am not really one to complain,
But cell phones may drive me insane:
Unusable apps
And connections that lapse;
My land line’s a must to retain.
Tim James:
My complaint is: my gal has a quirk.
It’s her mood; it can change with a jerk.
She transitions with ease
From a boil to a freeze.
Keeping up is a whole lot of work!
Woodstock Taylor:
Dear Customer Care – a complaint:
A functional cell phone this ain’t.
And heaven forbid
It should do what it did
In the ad – that would be just too quaint!
Christophe Gowans:
Now, a quirky young inmate called Doyle
Had a nasty complaint: a big boil.
Medics said “Bloody hell!”
Sent him back to his cell
And forbade him from selling the “oil.”
Terry Marter:
He gets word in his cell (on home soil), –
His exub’rance, now starting to boil:
The proud father to be
Is in Brooklyn (you see)
And yells out to the world “It’s a Goil!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Pure and pious was Pete as a kid —
Never sinned like the other boys did.
So he had no complaint,
On becoming a Saint,
And enjoyed saying, “Heaven forbid!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Christophe Gowans, Dane Paulsen, Dave Johnson, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Mike Moulton, Paul Haebig, Richard Campbell, Robert Martinez, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Steve Johnston, Terry Marter, Tim James, Trevor Alexander, Woodstock Taylor, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (498)
Saturday, June 25th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MIKE YOUNG, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
My grandchildren gave me a hoe.
How to use it? I just did not know.
So I went to the wall,
Gave my neighbor a call.
The result? A splendiferous show.
Congratulations to GAIL WHITE, who wins the Special TRICK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Said a priest when the charges were laid
That he sinned a deal more than he prayed:
“I screw choirboys, yes,
But each night I confess —
It’s one of the tricks of my trade.”
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FAIL LOUD POP LAWYER SACK.
You’ll never know how I miss Pop.
I would sit on his lap and go “plop,”
Till his pacemaker failed.
With his last breath he wailed:
“You’re 30 years old, dammit! Stop!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman, Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Gail White, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOW-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TRICKS-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
One magician, a consummate pro,
Brought the house down. (But where did it go?)
Both his top hat and hare
Vanished into thin air…
And he ended up stealing the show.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOW-RHYME DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
He discredited all former theses
That dealt with the birth of our species.
Darwin managed to show
Evolution is slow.
Other stories are simply bull feces.
Jean McEwen:
The basset hound won best in show,
Although wanting in “get up and go,”
Which had long gone and went.
He got points for his scent.
(Though he stinks, when he sniffs he’s a pro.)
Tim James:
She seduced me (oh boy, what a show)
By removing her clothes nice and slow.
I believed she was drawn
By my good looks and brawn;
Later on I found out she’s a pro.
Terry Marter:
After fun in the back seat with Flo,
He drives back to his flat all aglow.
Then he goes home on Sund’ys
When Mum washes undies…
And prays that the stain doesn’t show.
Mark Totterdell:
Now the deadline’s approaching! Oh no!
I so wanted to give it a go,
But my time’s running out
And I really do doubt
If I’ll have something decent to show.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRICKS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
My husband, “The Great Backwards Abbott”
Has one very curious habit:
In his magic act, he
Will count, “five, four, three,”
Then pull a hat out of a rabbit.
Paul Haebig:
He has a set type, my friend Ben:
He’s always preferred older men.
A silver-haired guy
Puts a gleam in his eye;
Soon he’s up to his old tricks again!
Brian Allgar:
Though the conjurer’s tricks are so neat,
His assistant just can’t make ends meet.
But he’s taught her a lot,
And she really is hot,
So she’s out turning tricks on the street.
Dave Johnson:
The madam has one place to look
And find each appointment she took.
Her ledger has all
Of the clients who call;
She knows ev’ry trick in the book.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A magician revealed an old trick:
“When you’re sawing up ladies, be quick!
If you dawdle when you
Cut assistants in two,
Then one half will be calling in sick.”
Tim James:
What’s a bed trick? You hop into bed
For a roll with your squeeze. But instead,
Someone’s pulled off a switch.
You can’t tell (that’s the hitch.)
You’ve been badly mislaid and misled.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
A failed lawyer lived under a cloud
With a noisy pop-art-loving crowd.
He was caught with a sack,
Stealing shirts (from a rack),
All with colors excessively loud.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Since the walls were so thin in our shack,
I could hear Mom and Pop in the sack.
She’d say loudly, “Go slow!”
Or, “Not there — that’s too low!”
(He must have been scratching her back.)
Tim James:
A beat cop was given the sack
Cause he kept popping out for a snack,
Scarfing doughnuts and pie.
Then he failed to grasp why
In a foot chase he couldn’t do jack.
Dave Johnson:
While hauling a grocery sack,
A loud pop had me taken aback.
That plastic bag’s fail
Made my blood pressure sail;
A lawyer’s about to attack.
Gail White:
My marriage is going off track,
And I can’t get a single dime back
On the settlements signed
When with love I was blind…
So I’m giving my lawyer the sack.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A guy in the sack with his Momma,
After killing his Pop may be drama;
But the tale of Oed Rex
Wasn’t all that complex…
Until Freud turned it into a trauma.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Mike Young, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (497)
Saturday, May 28th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick. (It’s a Triple-Duty Limerick: WIRE-Rhyming, WATER-Themed, and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick, which uses each of the five designated Random Words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, and THINK.)
I shoe horses all day with my daughter,
An arrogant, miscreant plotter.
“Dad, it’s down to the wire—
I’m ready—retire!”
I think she has led me to water.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the WATER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Terry Marter:
Dodging storms at the ‘Trots’ with her daughter,
Her need for a loo really caught’er.
So she raced her own tush
Past the crowd, to a bush…
But her tush only passed wind and water.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “RANDOM WORD GENERATOR” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: RETIRE, ARROGANT, MISCREANT, SHOES, THINK.
That old woman who lived in a shoe
Had a miscreant son with her who
Was a heel (damn his sole)
And who couldn’t control
His sharp tongue. With my shoe puns I’m through.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, James Graff, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Steve Dufour, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz,
Bob Turvey, Konrad Schwoerke, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dane Paulsen,
David Friedman, Tony Holmes, Doug Harris, and Gail White. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder: (Water-Themed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)
When I wade into streams just to potter,
And then carelessly trample an otter,
What’s my arrogant wish?
It’s to not feel the squish.
So I always wear shoes under water.
Linda A. C. Fuller: (Wire-Rhymed, and Random Word Generator Limerick)
An arrogant miscreant thought
He could sell drugs and never get caught.
But a treacherous buyer
Was wearing a wire;
Now prison’s the reprobate’s lot.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WIRE”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The soprano just cancelled, it’s dire:
She’s ill and can’t sing with our choir.
We’ll use Tenor Jim Rawls
And hook-up his balls,
Using two-forty Volts and some wire.
James Graff:
If there’s one thing I really admire,
It’s a man who can walk the high wire.
But I’ll watch from below
As he puts on his show…
And pray that he won’t take a flyer.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Seeing birds perched on high in a throng,
Makes me question how things went so wrong:
One bird-brained desire
To sit on a wire,
And the rest of them all strung along?
Brian Allgar:
The Donald was strumming a wire
On a banjo; his playing was dire.
“Hey, I know that you think
As a player I stink,
But I’m great when I’m playing the lyre.”
Tim James:
Said the king to his court: “It’s been said
My queen’s chastity belt has been shed
’Cause my handsome young squire
Picked the lock with a wire.
Now he can’t give no head with no head.”
Steve Dufour:
This world is connected by wire.
Information spreads much like a fire.
But some of it’s fake,
So care we must take;
We mustn’t enable a liar.
Mark Totterdell:
A wire-walker, starting to tire,
Took a tumble while walking the wire,
Which he landed astride
With a leg on each side.
Now soprano’s his part in the choir.
Fred Bortz:
The news on the right-winger’s wire
Turned Jacob to climate denier.
I told him to “can it”
Lest we send our planet
From frying pan into the fire.
Alas, he reacts like a sucker
To all that he’s hearing from Tucker.
Jake’s biggest mistake:
“Climate science is fake!”
I lament for that poor m—f—er.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WATER-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Bob Turvey:
On my bottle it says “It’s still water.”
This annoys me much more that it oughta.
I stare at the label
And think, “Is it able
To change into something like porter?”
Tim James:
There’s this marvelous liquid I’ve found;
It’s called water. Its uses abound!
It cleans me and my clothes,
And it works, I suppose,
As a drink if there’s no booze around.
Konrad Schwoerke:
The new hot tub holds two million liters,
And is warmed by some nuclear heaters,
Plus the water is wetter—
Yes, ev’rything’s better
At the home for old liars and cheaters.
Terry Marter:
I was filming bull sharks (and some blues),
Saw Trump fall overboard from his cruise.
Should’ve phoned 911,
But my ego said “Son, –
Just keep filming, – and then call the news.”
Dane Paulsen:
My golf drive requires a spotter;
My ball always flies towards the water.
I try not to fret,
But my golf shoes get wet.
And the wetter I get, well – the hotter.
Lisi Nortman:
We were finally on the right track.
Couldn’t wait to see dear uncle Jack.
Then I screamed, “Bill, look there!
Something says, “Please Beware!
If this sign’s under water, turn back!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR” LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder says:
My pup, Pavlov, hates bones, eschews stews;
He’s conditioned, instead, to eat shoes.
I will cry, “Not the Prada!”
He’ll hear, “Yada yada,”
Thinking, “Where are those new Jimmy Chews?”
David Friedman:
I think you’ll recall, if you choose,
Imelda with all of her shoes
(And her miscreant spouse,
The arrogant louse.)
She’s retired; her son’s now the news.
Tony Holmes:
“I was once in your shoes,” said McGuire.
“Just an arrogant ‘pistol for hire.’
Getting shot made me think,
So, I saw me a shrink,
Who said, ‘Miscreants, too, can retire.’”
Konrad Schwoerke:
If shoes had the power to talk,
I might ask what they thought of a walk.
“Well, we’re likely to groan
Till you lose a few stone…
This is YOUR postulation—don’t gawk!”
Doug Harris:
The arrogant miscreant’s shoes
Were covered in vomit and booze.
We wish he’d retire
And think to aspire
To a long interplanet’ry cruise.
Gail White:
When I noticed a mouse in my bed,
“Retire, you miscreant!” I said,
So it hid in my shoes
Where at present I choose
To support it with small bits of bread.
Mark Totterdell:
He’s an arrogant, miscreant liar,
And we think that his pants are on fire,
He’s so hard to excuse,
From his hair to his shoes.
How we wish our PM would retire!
Terry Marter:
The miscreant’s choice to retire
Was confirmed when he plundered the shire:
Dragged his sack o’er a fence;
Snagged his ‘other’ sac; hence,
His voice is now two octaves higher.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dane Paulsen, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Gail White, James Graff, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Dufour, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, May 14th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny three-verse limerick:
A (young) woman who lived in a shoe
Knew perfectly well what to do:
To fulfill her kids’ needs,
She’d resort to misdeeds —
Petty theft; yes, and shoplifting, too.
To ensure that she wouldn’t get caught,
She dissembled far more than she ought;
But she grew so distressed
That, at last, she confessed
To the Chief of Police — who’d have thought?
The old Chief looked her over and said,
“You’re both lovely and clever. Let’s wed!
I’ll forgive your… invention.”
She voiced no dissension…
Now she gets his pension. (He’s dead.)
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special INVENTIONS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The invention of Alex Graham Bell
Has devolved so that some users dwell
In its internet pit
Of lies, rancor, and shit.
It is called the Ninth Circle of Cell.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Konrad Schwoerke, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Jean McEwen, Randolph Wagner, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Joe Williams. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEEDS or MISDEEDS”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A tennis pro known for misdeeds,
With an ego that fame often breeds,
Disrespected his sport —
Sowed wild oats on the court!
He’s the worst of some really bad seeds.
Linda A. C. Fuller:
The widow reclined in her weeds,
While savoring former misdeeds:
Her husband she’d killed,
His kidneys she’d grilled,
And then served up with sesame seeds.
Konrad Schwoerke:
I look through the lens of my time
And see much we might now call a crime.
Were they really misdeeds
Or just differing creeds?
I don’t know, but I got it to rhyme.
Mark Totterdell:
He’s the shittiest shit in creation,
Quite the worst of a bad generation,
With a nature that leads
To appalling misdeeds,
So he ended up leading the nation.
Lisi Nortman:
A judge performs critical deeds
According to ethical creeds.
He’s the one who sets bail.
He can send you to jail.
And he asks lots of “how do you pleads?”
Jean McEwen:
I have found that committing misdeeds,
When done artfully, often succeeds.
Those who mindlessly swallow
Rules other folks follow
Just forfeit, alas, their own needs.
Randy Wagner:
The conjugal date that Will made
For last night had been badly misplayed.
As the darkness recedes,
He discovers misdeeds
Were performed on the maid he’d mislaid.
Brian Allgar:
“We’re imposing a no shilly-shally ban,”
Says America’s own home-grown Taliban.
On this vilest of deeds,
The signature reads
“S. Alito,” as monstrous as Caliban.
Tim James:
A real estate fraudster named Leeds
Said, “The greed of my marks suits my needs.
I sold five diff’rent ducks
Tampa swampland, the schmucks!”
Here endeth this tale of fowl deeds.
Tony Holmes:
“On the whole, I am really quite nice.
And am almost a stranger to vice.
Not for me the misdeeds
That true naughtiness breeds.
Just a bit, now and then, to add spice.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INVENTIONS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
The inventor of Autocorrect
Has died; he deserves our respect,
Cuz he taught us to spell
And he did it so well:
The funnel’s at ate. I have chekked.
Sharon Neeman:
My invention, I’m told, is quite keen:
It bumps pols who are thuggish and mean.
But it knows how to spare
Those with hearts, who do care —
It’s a “Vote Democratic!” machine.
Fred Bortz:
The outcome was nearly the worst.
The inventor believed he was cursed.
All his high hopes were smashed
When his vehicle crashed.
He should have invented brakes first.
Randy Wagner:
Said Bach to young Madam Beauvais,
“Allow me to play, if I may,
A sweet two-part invention.”
(He chose not to mention
‘Twould be contrapuntal foreplay.)
Tim James:
Said a man to be judged by St. Pete:
“Let me pass through these gates, I entreat.
I belong here, it’s clear;
I invented light beer!”
He got sent to The Bad Place, tout de suite.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
She said, “Edison, turn on a light.”
She asked Orville, “You fancy a flight?”
It’s that very same Muse
Some inventors abuse,
Who told Franklin to “Go fly a kite.”
Joe Williams:
I wonder what kind of inventor
Was first to invent a placenta,
And which did decide
It is best when it’s fried,
With a side of delicious polenta.
Konrad Schwoerke:
It was me who invented sham pain.
As an addict, I’d always complain
To the docs in the hope
They’d prescribe me some dope.
I’m just kidding, my drug was cocaine.
Lisi Nortman:
The greatest invention’s a chip,
So I pack some for ev-er-y trip.
The wheel was okay
In many a way.
But it doesn’t pair well with a dip.
Konrad Schwoerke:
The wheel is a wondrous invention,
But the barrel’s my choice for ascension.
There’s its round, bulbous shape,
And a bottom to scrape,
Plus it’s fun due to monkey retention.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Joe Williams, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, March 19th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
There once was a stressed sieve named Shane
Who cried, “People drive me insane!
They’ll scream and they’ll shout
If some food should drip out,
And I just cannot handle the strain!”
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special LINES-Themed Limerick Award for his funny “Romeo and Juliet” limerick:
Each thought that the other was hot,
Shared a love which their kinsfolk did not,
So got secretly wed,
Then got laid and got dead,
And right there, in five lines, is the plot.
Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG and SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Paul Haebig:
There once was a lim’rick unfinished.
Its impact was greatly diminished.
It made people whine:
“There’s no closing line!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
No way does your wordplay diminish
My int’rest for lack of a finish.
Your plot lines commence
To build up suspense
(Though your Fifth Act’s a little bit thinnish.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Linda Fuller, Dane Paulsen, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Paul Haebig, Doug Harris, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “STRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LINE-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Linda Fuller:
An actress who dressed to the nines,
Was obsessed with her facial age signs:
“Though an awful brain drain
And a terrible strain,
I ALWAYS remember my lines.”
Dane Paulsen:
My golf swing’s a thing to behold.
I follow the line, like I’m told.
But here is my bane;
Each swing is a strain.
They explain that I’m just getting old.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STRAIN”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
Hey Gene, please don’t mind me for asking,
As in posthumous fame you’re now basking.
So, was dancing a strain
When you sang in the rain,
Or, simply, routine multitasking?
Jean McEwen:
He fooled everyone, taking the prize
For glibness – maintaining the guise.
But he died from the strain
Of legerdemain–
Keeping track of those countless white lies.
Terry Marter:
She runs nude on the beach – such eye-candy;
Just the sight of her makes me feel randy.
I’m face-down but it’s plain
That I’m feeling the strain;
Getting sore, raw and painfully sandy.
Paul Haebig:
I’m really not one to complain
But lately I’m under such strain,
That for better or worse
To fashion a verse
Is too much for my poor, tired brain.
Doug Harris:
There once was a fellow named Wayne,
Whose guts often used to complain,
Till he found that hydration
Reduced constipation;
Now ablutions are less of a strain!
Lisi Nortman:
I wake up, 1,2,3, in a snap.
I’m an active and sprightly ol’ chap.
But I don’t want to strain
My tireless brain.
After rousing, I take a nice nap.
Sharon Neeman:
Half the morning I sweat and I strain
Making borscht in support of Ukraine;
Then my cat (who’s no fool),
Just as soon as it’s cool,
Eats it out of the pot. What a pain!
Tim James:
Ev’ry week, as I struggle and strain
To write lim’ricks for Madeleine Kane,
My subconscious says, “Son,
This takes wit and you’ve none.
Write Hallmark verse. Stay in your lane.”
Rudy Landesman:
Mrs. Robinson’s daughter Elaine
Was subjected to unheard of strain,
When her mother, one day,
Had her lecherous way
With Elaine’s very innocent swain.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LINES-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Civic Theater auditions went fine;
I was told that the lead would be mine.
But on opening night —
With my fame at its height —
The one word I could utter was “Line!”
Terry Marter:
While sailing and writing some prose,
He fell overboard – head over toes.
He yelled “I’ll be fine.
Someone throw me a line.”
All he got was “My dog has no nose…”
Jean McEwen:
At the TSA screening, the queue
Snakes for miles, so to quickly pass through,
Say you’ve broken a leg.
Without having to beg,
You’ll get quickly rolled through by the crew!
David Friedman:
There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My old Osteopath, Dr. Spec,
Ought to keep his opinions in check.
When on visits I whine
That my spine’s out of line,
In my file he writes, “Pain in the neck.”
Lisi Nortman:
The Parallels feel incomplete.
He is low, and she’s high on the sheet.
They long to be “one,”
But they’re not havin’ fun.
It’s a shame that they never will meet.
Sharon Neeman:
I’ve struggled two years to displace
50 pounds — and I’ve done it with grace!
I’m three sizes down —
But I still have to frown
When I see the new lines in my face.
Dave Johnson:
They met while in line at the store
And reflexively opted for more.
An evening spent;
Here’s a clue how it went:
Alexa was starting to snore.
Brian Allgar:
Their teacher said “One hundred lines
For making impertinent signs!”
“But Sir,” they complain,
“That’s a lot of cocaine,
And our dealers are all greedy swines.”
David Friedman:
There once was a lady named Mad
Who received many limericks bad —
With terrible rhymes
And then there were times
Where you just couldn’t believe how many extra syllables some of the final lines had!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dane Paulsen, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (491)
