Posts Tagged ‘Bill Klein’

Limerick of the Week (179)

Saturday, September 6th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The fellow was robbing their nest
Of their eggs, and the hens were distressed.
They were out of their wits,
So they pecked him to bits–
He’d forgotten his pullet-proof vest.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Mad gave us a seven-day stay,
A Labor Day verse to assay.
I may sound like a jerk,
But that’s way too much work!
I’ll bear down when they pass Goof-Off Day.

Congratulations to COLLEEN MURPHY, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

With my daughters now out of the nest,
There’s an issue that need be addressed:
Before it’s too late
I must work with my mate
To rekindle the zest we’ve repressed.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Byron Ives, Bill Klein, Jon Gearhart, Kathy El-Assal, Randy Mazie, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Byron Ives:

The triplets got kicked from their nest,
Two boys and a girl, dispossessed.
They walked, but she faltered,
Her huge boobs, un-haltered.
The brothers then each walked abreast.

Bill Klein:

A woman who’d seen that a nest
Had been built ‘twixt her left and right breast,
Cried “Alas and alack!
There are birds on my rack!”
And with zest swept the pests from her chest.

Jon Gearhart:

I invited her back to my nest
For Monopoly, purely in jest.
But she jumped at the Chance,
Thrust her hand down my pants,
So I grabbed her Community Chest.

Kathy El-Assal:

An eagle took flight from his nest.
“Catch a fish” was his hunger’s request.
Averting bird famine,
He snatched up a salmon
And ere long that fish he fin-essed.

Randy Mazie @ thewritersvillage:

Our children have all flown the nest.
Now my wife and I walk ’round undressed,
Which may sound quite benign,
But it isn’t so fine
When a kid is an unannounced guest.

Konrad Schwoerke:

What’s that syndrome when kids leave the nest,
And your wife will not give you a rest?
I’m no specialist, though
From what little I know
Nymphomania seems to fit best.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »

Limerick of the Week (131)

Sunday, September 15th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Dear Boss: as your ears and your eyes,
I’m one of the best of your spies.
Still… unless ficus trees
Are expected to sneeze,
They may have seen through my disguise.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Manhattan has opened my eyes
To a deli where bread is the prize.
It’s chewy, nutritious,
And truly delicious!
Try Katz’s — the site for sour ryes.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Ira Bloom, Gary Hallock, Sue Dulley, Chris Doyle, Kevin Ahern, and Bill Klein. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

A nympho with beautiful eyes
Treated men to a flash of her thighs.
With a wink and a leer
She’d say “What I’ve got here
Is a thing you should try on for sighs.”

Ira Bloom:

A woman with stars in her eyes,
Said “My art I will not compromise.
I can sing, dance and act,
A young Garbo, in fact.
By the way, would you like that with fries?”

Gary Hallock:

The vote from young men is all “ayes”
When a pole dancer gyrates her thighs.
I also should mention
They’ll stand at attention
Although, from their seats, they don’t rise.

Sue Dulley:

A woman with near-perfect eyes
On contacts and glasses relies,
The former for schmoozing,
The latter for boozing,
And specs when she wants to look wise.

Chris Doyle:

She was not, by the look in her eyes,
All that pleased by my biceps and thighs.
I got very low scores
Till she checked in my drawers
And said, “Whoa, that’s economy-size!”

Kevin Ahern:

To parents all rolling their eyes
At the questions their children devise,
Please, do not get weary;
For every query
“Because” is a word to the whys.

Bill Klein:

A woman with nearsighted eyes
Felt the moisture that dampened her thighs.
Her man, with alarm,
Said “You’re sucking my arm,”
Which cut her mood back down to size.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »

Limerick of the Week (124)

Sunday, July 28th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Bill Klein, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow would frequently play
The field, to his girlfriend’s dismay.
So she got him a date
With a transvestite mate,
And thus made him a queen, for a day.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

To do the Lord’s work while they play,
The ministers gardened all day.
It was hard to decide
On the right pesticide,
‘Til they found the one called Lettuce Spray.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kevin Ahern, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Craig Dykstra, Alan Hochbaum, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A bay horse suspected foul play
When someone kept eating his hay.
It could be the bull,
Who always looked full,
Cause when asked, other horses said, “Neigh!”

Kevin Ahern:

Some people at golf when they play
Think cheating on scores is OK.
These devious folks,
Reducing their strokes,
See NO need to play the fairway.

David Lefkovits:

A fellow who wanted to play
With a woman who lived down the way
Was wasting his time,
For she said to him: “I’m
An actual Gay Divorcée.”

Craig Dykstra:

Janet Jackson got hired to play.
Justin Timberlake joined her that day.
But then with a rip
Came the slip of a nip –
Now the Super Bowl’s shown on delay.

Alan Hochbaum:

A woman suspected foul play
In the death of her donkey Don K.
At the funeral service
Her pastor, most nervous
Said “Everyone bow heads and bray.”

Will T. Laughlin:

Some farmers are charged with fowl play:
They strangled their hens, so they say.
And why in the dickens
Would men choke their chickens?
They just couldn’t get a good lay.

David Lefkovits:

An athlete who wanted to play
Met a girl who would lead him astray.
Said he to the ho:
“Yes I’d like to go pro,
But I really just meant NBA.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »

Limerick of the Week (96)

Sunday, January 13th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

At beriths, Rabbi Cohen would claim,
“I’m not in this for fortune or fame.
Though a mohel takes joy
In each circumcised boy,
It’s the kid who has skin in the game.”

Congratulations to Boysan Faletusi, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow would frequently claim,
“I’m hung and you’re not, what a shame.”
His friend said, “Don’t brag,
Your hag is a ‘drag,’
And mine is a fine-lookin’ dame!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Bill Klein, Colleen Murphy, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Tim James, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A woman would piously claim
That her husband was easy to tame.
No more Internet porn
Or gambling he’d sworn,
But he kept it up using her name.

Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly:

A hunter would frequently claim
“Always making clean kills is my game.”
As a kid, a pet kitten
He’d grievously smitten–
Since then, he has been anti-maim.

Bill Klein:

A woman would loudly exclaim
At great volume whenever she came.
But her man was a fool
Who thought her a jewel
‘Til that night she cried out the wrong name.

Colleen Murphy:

My three-year old often would claim
He tinkled with accurate aim.
When asked why the potty
Was always so spotty,
He said that his dad was to blame.

Scott Crowder:

A woman would frequently claim.
Her husband was lazy and lame.
I’m sorry, my dear,
Now fetch me a beer,
And let me get back to the game.

Steve Whitred:

A fellow would frequently claim
That all women he knew were the same.
Always early, he’d wait
With concern for each date,
And thank god if they finally came.

Tim James:

Some athletes would frequently claim,
“I’d never use steroids! That’s lame!”
They resembled in bulk
The Incredible Hulk.
Too bad there’s no Drug Hall of Fame.

David Lefkovits:

Mr. Christie had put in a claim
For a hurricane (Sandy, by name),
Which his buddy, the Speaker,
Delayed by a week or
A month, to his evident shame.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Our mother would frequently claim
That my brother and I were to blame.
“You boys broke what encloses
My painting of roses.”
Together we cried: “It’s a frame!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 11 Comments »

Limerick of the Week (77)

Sunday, September 2nd, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Bill Klein who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A farm wife was peeved at her mate
And his personal hygiene of late.
The stench so extended,
The pigs were offended
And threatened to move out of state.

Congratulations to Jim Delaney who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman was peeved at her mate,
So she packed all his stuff in a crate
In the dark before dawn,
Set it out on the lawn,
And abandoned it all to its fate.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Richard Diakun, Stephen Fleming, Johanna Richmond, Jim Sullivan, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, and Bruce Niedt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Richard Diakun:

A woman was peeved at her mate,
Who thought when she said she was late
That all of their lovin’
Left one in the oven,
Instead of her plane at the gate.

Stephen Fleming:

A woman was peeved at her mate
For constantly putting on weight.
But “the bigger the cushion,
The better the pushin’,”
He said as he cleaned off his plate.

Johanna Richmond:

A woman’s been peeved at her mate
Since their date back in seventy eight
When a finger of rum
Shot his plan not to come;
Now she rues the words “I’ll take it straight.”

Jim Sullivan:

A woman was peeved with her mate,
An actor who loved to orate.
She said, “Clint, if you dare
Yell at one more damn chair,
Pack your bags, and I’ll show you the gate!”

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A woman was peeved that her mate
Spent their cash at a scandalous rate.
“It isn’t the cars
Or the Cuban cigars;
It’s the tips for the strippers I hate!”

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

A husky was peeved at a mate.
He growled, “She’s not pulling her weight.
I was shocked at the sight
As she crept out last night
And went with a Wolf on a date!”

Bruce Niedt:

A woman was peeved at her mate,
A Saudi oil-rich potentate:
“We had a big fight
‘Cos he’s drilling tonight,
But by that he means wife number eight!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 4 Comments »

Limerick of the Week (76)

Sunday, August 26th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman was very obsessed
With being a tidy houseguest.
She was not asked agin,
Though as neat as a pin,
For she’d cleaned out their medicine chest!

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra and Scott Crowder, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks, each of which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Craig Dykstra:

Said the wife, when her husband obsessed
That her negligee should have been pressed:
“Are you try’na be cruel
You near-sighted old fool?
I have already gotten undressed!”

Scott Crowder:

A fellow was very obsessed,
And he just couldn’t get any rest,
‘Til the meter was right,
The rhyming was tight,
And the syllables properly stressed.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Bill Klein, Bruce Niedt, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Jim Delaney, and Colleen Murphy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A fellow was very obsessed
With the size of the feminine breast.
When he’d speak with a lady
His glance was so shady
“Up here!” was the oft-heard request.

Bill Klein:

A fellow was very obsessed
With funds he had chanced to invest.
But alas, Facebook stock
Promptly dropped like a rock.
Thus, so did the egg from his nest.

Bruce Niedt:

A father was very obsessed
With the way that his teenage girl dressed:
“You inveterate flirt,
That’s a belt, not a skirt,
And your blouse reveals most of your chest!”

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A fellow was very obsessed
With a very old house he possessed
On the Oregon coast,
Even had its own ghost.
It’s the spirit that settled the West!

Jim Delaney:

A woman was very obsessed
With her health, as she later confessed.
Scared of losing her wits,
She kept checking her tits
To make sure she was keeping abreast.

Colleen Murphy: ‎

“My poodle is very obsessed
With mating,” his owner confessed,
“The Great Dane next door.
But prospects are poor
‘Cause he’s barely a foot high at best.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 6 Comments »