Posts Tagged ‘Allen Wilcox’
Sunday, May 15th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said the dentist, “Your teeth need a brace,
But I fear it’s a difficult case.
Though the work is cosmetic,
It needs anaesthetic —
You’ll feel a small prick in your face.”
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special STUBBORNNESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I am fed up with people who choose
To be stubborn — who can’t change their views.
I’m telling you flat
I will NOT be like that.
I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE!!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Allen Wilcox, Judith H. Block, Brian Allgar, Carolyn Henly, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Jeanine Silverio, Tim James, David Reddekopp, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CASE” RHYME DIVISION)
Allen Wilcox:
Good limerick writing’s a race
To a sadly anonymous place.
Perhaps I should mention
To get more attention,
I’ve decided to use UPPER CASE.
Judith H. Block:
Dear Jury, this trial’s a disgrace.
My client was not at that place.
He was busy in bed,
As the Judge’s wife said.
So thus I do now rest my case!
Brian Allgar:
The coffin took up lots of space,
But he gave it a prominent place.
“Though my wife is no more,
She has fooled me before,
So I keep her around just in case.”
Carolyn Henly:
There once was a fishwife who’d race
’Round her shop guarding ev’ry glass case.
If you hear the old trout
Give a shout, best get out
Or she’ll chase you all over the plaice.
Will T. Laughlin’s SLOUCHING TOWARD CLEVELAND (written before everyone dropped out except Trump)
The candidates left in the race
Promise terrible things to their base.
But forget about tact:
They’re ignoring the fact
That they can’t just make laws by ukase.
Randolph Wagner:
Sherlock’s fetishes swayed every case
As he sleuthed and prepared to give chase.
“‘The game is afoot!’
Is extremely well put,”
Quipped this bootlicking wearer of lace.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (STUBBORNNESS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar’s Stubbornness of Sisyphus:
He was rolling a rock up a hill,
But the bloody thing wouldn’t keep still.
It would roll down again –
What a bore, what a pain! –
Rock and roll was a pastime worth nil.
Jeanine Jamero Silverio:
I’ve the typical Taurean pique
(Also known as a mean stubborn streak).
Once my way is revealed,
I’ll hold fast and not yield.
It’s just part of my bullish mystique.
Tim James:
He’s not stubborn, he’s “principled.” See?
Not obsessed, “laser-focused” is he.
It’s the same old refrain:
Life involves much less pain
When it’s viewed euphemistically.
David Reddekopp:
I’m as stubborn as stubborn can be.
Show me proof and aloofly, I flee.
No concessions to science,
No facts, just defiance–
That’s why I remain YEC*.
*Young Earth Creationist.
Dave Johnson:
He refuses to honor their wishes
And scale back the garbage he dishes.
The pathway’s now clear
For the ending they fear:
Their party will swim with the fishes.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Carolyn Henly, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Jeanine Silverio, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Randolph Wagner, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (252)
Saturday, April 2nd, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny two-verse limerick:
Brian Allgar:
My wife phoned to say: “I’m delayed;
We have guests, so I’ve hired a maid
To set out the table,
And start, if she’s able,
Preparing the beef marinade.”
Well, I have to confess that I strayed.
Though I’m fond of my wife, I’m afraid
That I’m tempted to roam;
By the time she got home,
Both the maid and the table were laid.
Congratulations to PATRICK MCKEON, who wins the Special GREED-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
As they led him to jail he decreed:
“It was all done for love and not greed.
It’s a passion I feel
Which compels me to steal,
Though that passion’s for cash I concede.”
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
It’s not “I have lain” but “I’ve laid,”
If you lured her to bed and then played,
But if in that same bed
You were sleeping instead
You have lain but not laid, I’m afraid.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Randolph Wagner, Patrick McKeon, Mary McGarvey, Jeanine Silverio, Brian Allgar, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LAID” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GREED LIMERICKS)
Marty Gerendasy:
There was a young lady who made
Lots of money with guys getting laid.
But insatiable greed
Made her do one more deed,
Which is how she got caught in a raid.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LAID” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
Since I hate buying cars, I delayed
Going down to the lot. But I made
The deal of my life:
A new Ford for my wife.
I thought it a pretty good trade.
Dave Johnson:
Their accountant was handsomely paid;
But in time, he apparently strayed.
Many thousands, they say,
Went a prostitute’s way;
It looks like those funds were miss laid.
Fred Bortz:
The bishop knew how to get laid.
He’d have fun with a nun in the glade.
His number one Sister
Was really a Mister.
He glowed when the truth was displayed!
Robert Schechter:
They said I’d be handsomely paid
If I marched in the Virgin Parade.
I was game for a buck,
But damn my bad luck!
Before the check cleared, I got laid.
Will T. Laughlin:
Oh, when did my sex appeal fade?
I stare at my breakfast, dismayed:
Orange juice gets a squeeze;
Bacon strips (such a tease!),
And the eggs, unlike me, have been laid.
Allen Wilcox:
It was down on his couch that he laid
On a fine APRIL day, and he prayed
That he not wake too soon.
But he woke up in JUNE,
Which left him completely disMAYed!
Randolph Wagner:
His ex, at his funeral, laid
A rose on his corpse. Quite dismayed,
She sighed, “Only if
You had been half as stiff
While living, I’d surely have stayed.”
Patrick McKeon:
On his deathbed an old pilot prayed
For a post mortem heaven upgrade.
But he couldn’t go straight
To that great pearly gate,
Since his final approach was delayed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GREED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
The billionaire’s bluster and babble;
A cringe-worthy gift to the rabble.
Unhinged and absurd,
His bleating is heard
And reads like a bad game of Scrabble.
Will T. Laughlin:
A candidate, out on his tours,
Said this as he spoke to “the poors”:
“I have money, and stuff,
But it isn’t enough –
I won’t rest ’til I take away YOURS.”
Mary McGarvey:
San Francisco’s Directors of BART
All get fat while the trains fall apart;
These crooks full of hooey
Let BART go Ka-blooey
With grand theft as a great noble art.
Tim James:
Gordon Gekko, film crook, didn’t care;
He praised greed. So does Trump. Let’s compare!
The guy from the flick
Was much less of a dick;
In addition, he had better hair.
Jeanine Silverio:
Though he dressed in a monk’s humble habit,
Vows of poverty displeased the abbot.
The sheer weight of his tax
Broke the peasantry’s backs.
He lusted for gold and to grab it.
Brian Allgar:
He would gorge himself, heap after heap,
Every moment he wasn’t asleep.
This greedy young glutton
Ate huge bowls of mutton
Until he had wolfed the whole sheep.
Suzanne Heymann:
Those Black Fridays are days filled with greed
Where the shoppers create a stampede.
Boxing Day’s not enough?
Life may get tough and rough
As you buy all this stuff you don’t need.
Tempting bargains would help you forget
That there’s int’rest on top of the debt.
While you think you will ‘save’
You’ll find out you’re a slave
As you’re hit with a wave of regret.
So live under your means; give up greed.
Pay off all of your debts; then you’re freed.
A belly well-fed
And a roof o’er your head
And some love in your bed’s all you need.
Your big debt load at least will have ONE dent
Till it’s vanished, becoming redundant.
The stress will stop seething.
You’re once again breathing
And living a life that’s abundant!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jeanine Silverio, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Mary McGarvey, Patrick McKeon, Randolph Wagner, Robert Schechter, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (249)
Saturday, March 19th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins both the Limerick-Off Award and the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick:
When Marilyn stepped on the vent,
Her skirt billowed up like a tent.
The crowd loved the show,
Crying out “Way to go!”
And that is where Kennedy went.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the SIBLING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Dear Brother: I wooed Mrs. Lister,
But her husband broke in as I kissed her.
I’m now on the run
In the guise of a nun…
Yours truly, your brother the Sister.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Marty Gerendasy, Ian Graham, Brian Allgar, Judith H. Block, Allen Wilcox, David Reddekopp, Will T. Laughlin, Fred Bortz, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “VENT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO “SIBLING” LIMERICKS)
Tim James:
Two brothers set out to invent
A machine that could fly. So it went:
Though they had the Wright stuff,
They had troubles enough.
In the ground they left many a dent.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“VENT” RHYME DIVISION)
Marty Gerendasy:
Please excuse me, but I need to vent
’Cause the landlord just jacked up my rent.
What a dastardly deed
Based on nothing but greed.
I may have to go live in a tent.
Ian Graham:
No alibi could she invent
For her night in a wigwam with Brent.
“He’s a crook,” her folks curse.
“That makes it much worse.
It was done with a crim’nal in-tent.”
Brian Allgar:
Yes, the Donald knows how to invent
Vicious lies to incite discontent.
Though he’s boastful and shifty,
His ‘groupies’ score fifty –
That’s, roughly, IQ and percent.
Judith H. Block:
My darling, that’s not what I meant
By positions that we could invent.
While I’m all for hot sex
And did not provide specs,
A pretzel was not my intent!
Tim James:
A sailor lost ev’ry last cent
But the sex was a signal event.
While they rolled, yawed and pitched
She got greatly enriched
While he, like his money, got spent.
Allen Wilcox:
“It was what I was trying to prevent –
Going into the hole where I went.
It wasn’t my goal.
I missed the right hole.
It’s the way that my damn thing is bent.”
David Reddekopp:
There’s naught I can do to prevent
What the skies, I surmise, have now sent.
The snow is now falling.
I find it appalling.
It’s the winter of my discontent.
Will T. Laughlin:
In the spring, I met young Mrs. Trent,
Whose husband was agèd and bent.
A tentative kiss
Led to hours of bliss –
Though suspicion I tried to prevent.
I guessed no malicious intent
Months later, when Mr. Trent sent
Me a note to invite
Me to join them one night –
I agreed to attend the event.
“I’ve challenged my cook to invent
A new dish for you,” leered the old gent;
“A pity my mate
Will be joining us… late.”
Then he tittered. Now, what had he meant?
From the kitchen, and up through the vent
Came a strangely familiar scent…
Mixed with garlic and leeks.
How he laughed at my shrieks,
As out through the window I went.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIBLING” LIMERICK DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
He once had a tomboyish sister
So commanding that none would resist her.
Then his sib stopped pretending.
“I’m done gender bending,”
He said. “You must now call me Mister.”
Will T. Laughlin:
The left half of Siamese twins
Berated her mate for his sins.
Cried he, “How the hell
Is a fellow to tell
Where you end, and your sister begins?!”
Dave Johnson:
Two brothers named Jason and Kevin
Show up at the gym before seven.
They don’t like to sweat;
Any six-pack they get
Will come from a 7-Eleven.
Will T. Laughlin:
Sure, kids are a pain in the tush…
But try being Barbara Bush:
At the end of your life
As a mother and wife,
Your illusions deflate with a whoosh,
And as you step out of your bubble, you
Are left with the facts. And they trouble you.
O the stigma! The shame
To the family name,
That the smartest Bush brother was W!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Ian Graham, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty Gerendasy, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (248)
Saturday, March 5th, 2016
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
My girlfriend prepared me a treat,
Which I tried… and I just couldn’t eat.
But what could I say,
With her watching that way?
“Ummm, this borscht simply cannot be beet!”
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special EDUCATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A geometry teacher named Brent
Liked to frolic outdoors, so he went
To a place he could play
At the seashore all day.
He returned from the beach a tan gent.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Brian Allgar:
With no brother to help him to cheat,
Jeb admits that he’s finally beat.
And his web site? He blew it,
Forgot to renew it –-
“I bought it!” jeers Trump in a tweet.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Jesse Levy, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jon Gearhart, Allen Wilcox, RJ Clarken, Ian Graham, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BEAT/BEET” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO EDUCATION LIMERICKS)
Tim James:
The philosophy class had him beat.
“I don’t like abstract concepts!” he’d bleat.
“I Kant grasp them at all!”
He then punched a brick wall.
That abstraction’s now much more concrete.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BEAT/BEET” RHYME DIVISION)
Jesse Levy:
The new “superfood” is the beet.
I’ve heard that’s the word on the street.
The ads make it seem
As if beets are a dream.
Well, at least they do not contain wheat.
Brian Allgar, for his Harper Lee limerick:
With one novel, she joined the elite,
Won a Pulitzer (that’s quite a feat)
While Ginsberg and Burroughs
Were ploughing their furrows —
Though, of course, she’s not read as a beat.
Dave Johnson:
I remember when flying was neat;
An adventure that couldn’t be beat.
But if airlines today
Could have it their way,
They’d charge you to lower your seat.
Jon Gearhart:
I enjoy having veggies to eat,
But sometimes I just want some meat.
By replacing the beta
Vulgaris, I made a
Beef borscht and did not miss one beet.
Allen Wilcox:
When Windows won’t work and you’re beat,
And you think you are facing defeat,
Do NOT lose your cool.
Remember the rule:
When in doubt, press Control-Alt-Delete.
Rj Clarken:
The bird was a little offbeat:
Not the norm for a wee parakeet.
He would peck like a lord
On his tiny keyboard
As he’d Facebook and IM and tweet.
Ian Graham:
Thrash wheat if it’s bread you would eat.
Flail rice for a granular treat.
Is smoothness your dream?
Then try whipping cream.
But for sweetness you cannot beat beet.
Dave Johnson:
He saw her – his heart skipped a beat;
Then awkwardly shuffled his feet.
How amazing that he
Could possibly be
Running into a star on the street!
It was just a few seconds or so
That he felt that celebrity glow.
Their eyes barely met,
But he’ll never forget
The moment Adele said “Hello.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (EDUCATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
“Gee, these Texas school textbooks are great!
Let’s use them in every state!
Now, ev’ryone: look
In your Chemistry book
At Leviticus 12, 5 through 8…”
Tim James:
She thinks studying’s hard, so instead
She lures each of her profs into bed
Where she actively crams
For her oral exams:
She’s advanced to the class of the head.
Dave Johnson:
A lively young teacher named Cass
Was showing her dance moves with sass.
But while she was twerking,
Some smart phones were lurking;
A gift for the boys in the class.
Byron Ives:
In bio lab, Gloria Schwerner
Oft tooted, which didn’t concern ’er
But after a flash
Turned her lab coat to ash,
She pointed away from the burner.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Dave Johnson, Ian Graham, Jesse Levy, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, RJ Clarken, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Sunday, December 27th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The Mayor Rob Ford wasn’t wise
Getting filmed smoking crack. His demise
Was assured when he tried
To deny he had lied,
So now he’s the Ford of the Lies.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
When AutoCorrect makes you groan,
Remember that this year alone
More than two thousand dupes
Sold their souls (or their “soups”)
To SANTA, because of their phone.
Congratulations to JUDITH H. BLOCK, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
With a smile on his deathbed, here lies
A guy who had stars in his eyes.
The sex, off the chart,
Was too much for his heart.
It was an ecstatic demise.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order): Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Sue Dulley, Allen Wilcox, Will T. Laughlin, Jim Sullivan, RJ Clarken, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Dave Johnson, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LIES” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO HOLIDAY LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
From the rooftop, old Santa relies
On a chimney to bring his surprise,
But this year, he got stuck,
And they heard him yell “Fuck!
I have eaten too many mince pies!”
Fred Bortz, who notes that his limerick is based on a true story: “Our daughter entered the world on the 366th day of a leap year, about 10 days early.”
A tax refund lights up our eyes;
The onset of labor belies
The o.b.’s prediction.
His date was a fiction.
Our New Year’s Eve baby’s a prize!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LIES” RHYME DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
“All these words that I utter are lies,”
Quips the prankster, “so you would be wise
To refuse to believe
That I always deceive.”
Meanwhile, logic just curls up and dies.
Allen Wilcox:
He has made quite a fetish of ties
On which his dear mistress relies.
He wears them so long
That they tickle his dong
And create a great increase in sighs.
Will T. Laughlin:
The fury; the venom; the lies;
The call for the Others’ demise;
The tribalist hate –
Say, was this a debate,
Or rehearsal for “Lord of the Flies?”
Jim Sullivan:
Some day they’ll be saying, “Here lies . . .”
When they’ve closed up my mouth and my eyes.
My family will sigh. It
Will be very quiet
When I leap up and yell out, “Surprise!”
Rj Clarken:
The media often supplies
News bites they sensationalize,
With candidates who
Hope their viewers will view
The world through their very skewed eyes.
So we often compartmentalize,
Disassociate or else disguise
The fact we can’t face,
Look away or erase
What we’d normally diss otherwise.
Suzanne Heymann:
If you can see through someone’s guise
Just by looking right into their eyes,
You’ll know if they’re ruthless
Mendacious or truthless;
Your real eyes realize real lies.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (HOLIDAY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Down the chimney I saw Santa go
To a brothel; how couldn’t he know?
At the bottom were three
Lovely ladies, so he
Put new spin on the phrase “Ho ho ho.”
Dave Johnson:
The holiday season is here
With greetings and lots of good cheer.
Our spirits will lift
Since we get to re-gift
That crap from the previous year.
David Reddekopp:
It’s realized – Santa’s worst fear;
The reindeer are striking this year.
Fatigue was a factor,
So he bought a tractor,
For nothing can run like a Deere.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Jim Sullivan, Jon Gearhart, Judith H. Block, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, RJ Clarken, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (242)
Saturday, August 29th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Poor Dorothy, youthful and rash,
Took a lover with plenty of cash.
But re-Morse she soon showed
For this breach of her Code;
“I’m sorry,” cried Dot, “I must Dash!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Adam Stern, Brian Allgar, Carolyn Henly, Allen Wilcox, and Phil Graham. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
The Mexicans, hoping to dash
All our hopes, caused this stock market crash!
Their designs we must fear!
It’s been ever so clear
Since I got into Donald Trump’s stash.
Fred Bortz:
In Asgard, when Norse heroes clash,
They settle their feud with a brash
Track and field competition.
Their personal mission
Is to win the well-known Baldur Dash.
Adam Stern:
I placed first in the hundred-yard dash.
(Left the slow-pokes behind with panache.)
But my joy evanesced
When I found out the best
Received praise, but not one cent of cash.
Brian Allgar:
She was sprawled with her feet on the dash,
And the couple were starting to thrash.
They’d forgotten the brake,
Ended up in the lake –
In the papers, they made quite a splash.
Carolyn Henly:
Exclamation points have some panache,
While the question mark’s not very brash.
The ellipsis had dropped,
While the period stopped,
And the hyphen said “I’ve got to dash.”
Allen Wilcox:
The five-liner form is not rash.
The meter and rhyming don’t clash.
It has rules we adore,
But I might note one more –
A lim’rick can’t end with a –.
Phil Graham:
By the goal posts she waved from her Nash.
I thought, “Great! Gonna get me some gash!”
I arrived, loins on fire
But ’twas just a flat tire.
What a waste of a hundred yard dash.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Adam Stern, Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Carolyn Henly, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phil Graham, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick of the Week (228)
Saturday, August 8th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to PEDRO POITEVIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Having nervously downed our Bordeaux,
We faced off: “You go first.” “No, you go.”
But she said: “Don’t be dunces,
Two fellows at once is
So much better than two in a row.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Judith H. Block, Andy Bassett, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Adam Stern, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Allen Wilcox, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Judith H. Block:
The bowling pins lined in a row,
I beam with a warm, hopeful glow.
Then I curse and I mutter–
Balls land in the gutter.
But at least they have spared my big toe!
Andy Bassett:
Maid Marian was out for a row
With her man (Robin Hood, don’t you know)
When the Sheriff of Nottingham
Started potshotting ’em.
She was saved by her arrow and beau.
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
I like to eat fresh salmon roe
From the currents that here about flow,
But to all males astride
Of the stream, side to side,
Please don’t yield to the urge to let go.
Adam Stern:
Arnold Schoenberg endeavored to show
(With recruits Berg and Webern in tow)
That one COULD bid adieu
To C major, in lieu
Of a systematized twelve-tone row.
His creations were critically flayed
And left listeners vexed and dismayed,
Prompting Schoenberg to vow,
“If my rows cause a row,
“It’s not THEIR fault – they’re shoddily played!”
Tim James:
Cute Joanna, a Sigma Pi Rho,
Gave a frat boy the ol’ to-and-fro.
But she drank too much beer,
Left behind her brassiere.
So the guy woke to two cups of Jo.
Dave Johnson:
A muscular fellow named Roe
Had a body he wanted to show.
At a nudist resort,
He’s proud to report
His willy left Millie aglow.
Kirk Miller:
At the river, I think you should know
There are preschoolers lurking below.
They are probably not
What you think, if you thought
They are children, because they are roe.
Allen Wilcox:
A lesson, for any new pro,
You should follow wherever you go —
To not hear the words,
“Your plan’s for the birds,”
Your should get all your ducks in a row.
David Reddekopp:
Some enjoy Henry David Thoreau
Or Dickinson, Whitman, or Poe.
I’m also a poet
Though they’ll never know it.
Did THEY compose limericks? No!
Take your sorry-ass stanzas and go,
If you can’t post five lines in a row
That follow this scheme
Whatever the theme,
But these bards set the bar way too low.
Hey Thoreau, don’t you think that you owe
Us a limerick? It’s apropos,
And they could’ve been spawned
At your famed Walden Pond
While you struggled through seaweed and roe.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Adam Stern, Allen Wilcox, Andy Bassett, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Judith H. Block, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Pedro Poitevin, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Sunday, July 19th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
“The whole gold-digging life’s a hard sell,
But for me it works out pretty well.
Some don’t like ‘old guy love,’
But when push comes to shove
And I bid them farewell, I fair well!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Stephen Fleming, Brian Allgar, Allen Wilcox, Johanna Richmond, and Pedro Poitevin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Dave Johnson:
A phone with a really hard shell
When dropped, may not do very well.
Perhaps they could place
It inside a foam case;
The market could use a soft cell.
Fred Bortz:
By the seashore, her shells surely sell,
And her business is doing so well
That her Yiddische Mama
Declares with much drama
“Oy, Shirley, you’re making me kvell!”
Stephen B. Fleming:
The Donald believes he can sell
Himself as the Chief — “Do Pray Tell.”
But his immigrant smear
Caused a corp’rate Bronx cheer.
So to much of his fortune, “Farewell.”
Brian Allgar:
Dubya reckoned the deal would be swell,
Even though it meant going to hell,
But the Devil just laughed;
“Buy your soul? Don’t be daft–
You don’t even have one to sell.”
Allen Wilcox:
As he passed through the hot gates of Hell,
The sounds within started to swell.
The pain in his ears
Nearly drove him to tears
From the ringing that came from each cell.
Johanna Richmond:
How I MISS life before Mr. Cell
And his wife, Mrs. Cell, came to dwell
In our home — when our link
Involved warm flesh and kink
And our texting thumbs boldly wore gel.
Pedro Poitevin:
Through a tunnel he dug in his cell,
El Chapo descended to hell
And offered the devil
A lower mid-level
Position within his cartel.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Johanna Richmond, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Pedro Poitevin, Stephen Fleming, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, June 27th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Astronomers once had the gall
To proclaim, “The world’s round, like a ball.”
But soon findings empirical
Proved it non-spherical;
Slightly deflating them all.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Dave Johnson, Jon Gearhart, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Fred Bortz:
The cannibals started a brawl
Over who got what portion of Paul.
They battled for dibs
On the meatiest ribs,
While the chieftain was having a ball.
Kirk Miller:
When making some holes rather small,
A leather punch started to bawl.
“We’re stuck in this job,”
It said with a sob,
“And that is the fate of us awl.”
Brian Allgar:
She was wearing a costly mink shawl,
And the bimbo explained to them all:
“It’s a gift from a guy
Who just wanted to cry,
Cuz he said to me, “Baby, let’s bawl.”
Will T. Laughlin:
Oh, please don’t disturb Doctor Hall.
Cutting gonads in slices so small
May yet give the answer
To testicle cancer,
And right now, he’s halving a ball.
Phyllis Sterling Smith:
When Sally slipped down in a fall
She really had reason to bawl.
But balling for Sally
Is right up her alley
For Sally has no shame at all.
Dave Johnson:
Scalia and Thomas will bawl
“This week has been no fun at all.
Our cadre of five
Did no longer strive
To answer the G.O.P.’s call.”
Jon Gearhart:
Found her name in a men’s bathroom stall
And decided I’d give her a call,
But I feel quite misled
By these words that I read:
“Call Caitlyn and you’ll have a ball!”
Allen Wilcox:
A WEEK OF BALLS, WITH REFRAIN
We’re having a civil rights ball.
The Confederate flag has to fall.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?
And then? – the Obamacare ball
With Roberts explaining it all.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?
And then? – well, the gay marriage ball
With Kennedy telling it all.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Phyllis Sterling Smith, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Saturday, June 20th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
On Craig’s List, Chris posted his lust
For a tryst with a lass to be trussed.
Alas, though: Chris missed
His delicious truss tryst.
He was tied up at work. How unjust!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Jon Gearhart, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Kaye Roberts, Phil Graham, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
She withdrew from the Savings & Trust
All her cash. It’s not much; now she must
Choose ’twixt breast augmentation
And West Coast vacation.
The choice: California or bust.
Robert Schechter:
The essence of love is to trust.
So trust me. I’m able to thrust
Without letting go.
Believe me! . . . Uh oh . . .
Remember that son we discussed?
Brian Allgar:
He stuffed her with thrust after thrust
Like a man half-demented with lust,
Then he bound her with string,
Legs and breast, everything,
Till the Thanksgiving turkey was trussed.
Jon Gearhart:
As I cussed and discussed in disgust
My mistrust with my siblings, we fussed
How the lawyer had still
Not found part of Dad’s will.
My disgust rose from my misplaced trust.
Fred Bortz:
Chez Marquis de Sade is a must
To couple with parry and thrust.
There maidens will tryst
While bound at the wrist,
As long as you’re someone they trussed.
Lisi Nortman:
A marriage is based upon trust,
But if driven by wild carnal lust,
You’ll probably cheat.
So be very discreet.
Don’t come home with your hairdo all mussed.
Kaye Roberts:
Ev’ry man she’d encountered with lust
Had betrayed her, demolished her trust.
So she found a belle chère
And began lez affaire
And left all les hommes in the dust.
Phil Graham:
A ski racer you couldn’t trust
Would consume pork and beans ’fore he shussed.
And to go a bit faster
He’d use his ass blaster
And gain MPH from each gust.
Allen Wilcox:
He was proud that they showed him the trust
To move “David” to clean off the dust.
It fell and it shattered.
He cried, bruised and battered,
“I can only say ‘This was a bust’.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Kaye Roberts, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Phil Graham, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, May 23rd, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to COLLEEN MURPHY, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
For searching they brought out the hound,
“The best-sniffing hunt dog around.”
But instead of the punk
It uncovered a skunk,
And the stench from its spray was profound.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Scott Crowder, Allen Wilcox, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
I cursed when my stupid old hound
Went digging for bones in the ground,
For I’d cut up my wife
With a sharp kitchen knife,
And she wasn’t supposed to be found.
Scott Crowder:
On days that I miss my old hound
I wait for that imminent sound
Of neighbors despairing
And cursing and swearing
Whenever they step in a mound.
Allen Wilcox:
That crazy old dog went around
And around, and he howled like a hound.
Every day without fail
He went out chasing tail –
It was only his own that he found.
Dave Johnson:
She continued to hector and hound;
He recoiled from the unending sound.
Now technology wins;
He just sits there and grins.
New ear buds will keep him around.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Dave Johnson, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 3 Comments »
Saturday, April 25th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to GARY HENDERSON, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Since her kitty was always quite wet,
She consulted the neighborhood vet.
He prodded and poked.
“I’d do more,” he half joked,
“But really, we’ve only just met!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sue Dulley, Kirk Miller, Fred Bortz, Charley Simmons, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Dave Johnson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
He was famed for superb “Crepes Suzette”;
All the food critics loved him, and yet
In his “Beef Cannelloni”
Were kitten and pony –
The chef bought supplies from a vet.
Sue Dulley:
A man tours the world on a jet
While thousands of dollars in debt.
“Thank goodness” he smiles
“For aeroplan miles,
Or I might have to sell the Corvette.”
Kirk Miller:
In southeastern Asia I met
A veterinarian, Brett.
He has moved to the States.
His competitor hates
That he says he’s a Vietnam vet.
Fred Bortz:
A vigorous volatile vet
Had a vibrating viperous pet.
Voracious for voles,
It victimized moles.
His rattler’s named “Rodents’ Regret.”
Charley Simmons:
A gal took her hound to the vet
With a story he hadn’t heard yet:
“I bent over this morning.
He jumped me — no warning.
Trim his nails. He’s my favorite pet.”
Will T. Laughlin:
When the kids go to bed, don’t forget:
We must always take care not to let
Grandpa put ’em to sleep.
Though his kindness runs deep,
He’s forgetful … and once was a vet.
Allen Wilcox:
Those running so far are all wet.
We know little about them, and yet,
They’re all dogs, one can see–
Almost all GOP.
It’s clear that they all need a vet.
Dave Johnson:
The sax player wanted to vet
A new drummer to join his quintet.
Her style was just right
And he hoped that he might
One day soon get to play with her set.
Tim James:
She’s a sight that I’ll never forget:
Lean and muscular, curvy and wet.
I caress her, and she
Opens up, welcomes me.
I so loves me that cherry-red ’Vette.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Charley Simmons, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Gary Henderson, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick of the Week (210)
Saturday, March 14th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny acrostic limerick:
Plutocracy claims wealth’s a prize,
Rewarding hard work. It’s all lies:
In fact, many show
Zero skill making dough,
Except when a relative dies.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Dave Johnson, Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James, whose limerick is directed to a Benjamin Franklin quote:
Mr. Franklin, you need to apprise
Ev’ry man: if he’s early to rise
After early to bed,
He’s got rocks in his head
’Cause his lady will date other guys.
Dave Johnson:
She thought she might win the big prize
On that show with those glamorous guys.
But a singer she ain’t;
Her voice blistered paint.
Now she’s back once again serving fries.
Allen Wilcox:
All members of Congress must rise
To show that they know that it’s wise
To continue all fights
For strong civil rights,
By keeping their ayes on the prize.
Brian Allgar:
Dr. Spooner said: “I must apprise
My detractors – your jokes are unwise.
I tell you,” he grumbled,
“My stung never tumbled;
It’s all been a great lack of pies.”
Fred Bortz:
He cannot believe what he spies.
What a rack, what great ankles and thighs!
But the view from behind
Is what’s blowing his mind.
Callipygian gals win the prize!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, March 7th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
I’ve a fetish for moisture: a moat,
Or some pond, or a pool gets my vote.
Any sex is way better
When things are way wetter;
It’s water that’s floating my boat.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Allen Wilcox, Scott Crowder, Will T. Laughlin, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Kevin Ahern:
It’s with sorrow I send you this note.
The repairmen has said and I quote,
“The TV’s in danger;
With no channel changer
Its recovery chance is remote.”
Fred Bortz:
Santorum is known to emote,
“First man-on-man, then man-on-goat!”
Said a goatherd named Thomas,
“If that is a promise,
Then Rick will be getting my vote!”
Brian Allgar:
The actress could never emote;
On the screen, she recited by rote.
But the girl was no slouch
On the old casting-couch,
So they chose her by popular vote.
Colleen Murphy:
My five-year old left us a note:
“I’m heading to places remote
Cause father and mother
You gave me a brother
And no one considered my vote.”
Allen Wilcox:
With chances of winning remote,
The head of the party took note,
“Put away all your tissues;
Can’t win on the issues,
So let’s try suppressing the vote.”
Scott Crowder:
I asked her last night and I quote,
“Where the hell is that fucking remote?”
It soon came to pass,
It’s so far up my ass,
I change channels by clearing my throat.
Will T. Laughlin:
We got in our vessel to float
Far away to an island remote
Where there’s no damned TV.
Hold it — who’s this I see?
Is that Gilligan? BACK TO THE BOAT!
Steve Whitred:
She said “Dear, we’ve become so remote,
And I fear on the nanny you dote.”
He said “Darling, I swear
I’ve not touched the Au Pair,
But I have been beguiled by the goat.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Kevin Ahern, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest | 4 Comments »
Saturday, February 7th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A race home between tortoise and hare
Is essentially not very fair.
Though the hare is quite quick,
It’s a shell game. That prick,
The tortoise, is already there!
Congratulations to JONATHAN JENSEN, on winning the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick:
When I look at the gray in my hair,
I never give way to despair.
Though I long for a ’do
With a more youthful hue,
I’m mostly just glad it’s still there.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Lisi Ardissone, Konrad Schwoerke, Byron Ives, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Val Fish, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
For the fancy-dress ride, what to wear?
Her husband said “Go as a bear.”
But Godiva misheard,
So she mounted and spurred
And rode forth wearing only her hair.
Colleen Murphy:
Said the hunter, “I won fair and square
And with no double-counting, I swear.
It is not a mistake.
When they tallied my take,
They told me I’d won by a hare.”
Lisi Ardissone:
I altered the shade of my hair
To give it a little more flair.
When my husband came home,
He said, “Oh, Marone!
Are you planning to have an affair?”
Konrad Schwoerke:
A new ’do? Why the hell would I care
What you do to your own freakin’ hair?
Though I do wish you’d learn
That my only concern
Is it’s not an obstruction down there.
Byron Ives:
She sported long, sexy, blonde hair
And worked at the fresh produce fair.
I reckoned her peaches
Were out of my reaches,
But jeepers, she had a nice pear!
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:
With a toss of her silvery hair,
She said to him: “Now then, mon cher;
While we wait for your phallus
To go and Cialis,
There’s much you can do below there.”
Val Fish:
Last night, I shaved off all my hair.
No, not on my head, but ‘down there.’
When faced with the sight,
My hubby took flight.
My bald patch was too bare to bear.
Allen Wilcox:
The fruit vendor’s wife was a bear:
“Shape up and get out of my hair.”
He took it in stride,
Although, puzzled, he sighed,
“But why did she say ‘get a pear?’”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits, Jon Gearhart, Jonathan Jensen, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Ardissone, Val Fish, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 8 Comments »
Saturday, January 24th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ALLEN WILCOX, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A fellow was trying to pass
A lass who was swinging her ass
Side to side (super-sized).
He was quite hipnotized,
And his privates went public en masse.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, Scott Crowder, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jon Gearhart:
For my birthday, my son bought a pass
To go fishing. They stock them en masse.
They’ll replaice what you like.
We caught walleye, carp, pike,
But they cut us off, right at the bass.
Colleen Murphy:
A student who struggled to pass
Had trouble with volume and mass.
“Fill it in, fill it up?
Is it pounds or a cup?
I’m too dense for this matter, alas.”
Scott Crowder:
A man made an unfruitful pass
At a gal in his calculus class.
And now he knows why
When you’re solving for pie,
You don’t want to mention her mass.
Jon Gearhart:
When a quarterback drops back to pass,
The refs need a spy on his ass
To make sure that his balls
Are the right size. If all’s
Not the same, they’ve been letting off gas!
Konrad Schwoerke:
A fellow who made a lewd pass
Has confirmed for his wife he’s an ass
And a two-timing prick,
So she severs his dick–
Now it lies, like a snake, in the grass.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Scott Crowder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 5 Comments »
Sunday, January 18th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A man fell in love with a tart
@ lonely dot com backslash heart.
He craved her affection,
Yet used no protection,
And now his computer won’t start.
Congratulations to Allen Wilcox on winning the Limerick Saga Award for his clever 3-verser:
A man fell in love with a tart
Who thought that tattooing was art.
He, being quite daft,
Let her practice her craft
And proceed on his most private part.
As you might well imagine, the tart
Needed firmness before she could start.
So she used an injection
For proper erection
And pain pills brought in by the cart.
Her masterpiece finished, the tart
Explained that her tatting might smart,
And whenever he “sinned,”
He would always break wind,
Which made it a true work of fart.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ron B., Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Brian Allgar:
The waitress had brought him a tart,
But Count Dracula fancied her heart.
So although at this venue
Blood’s not on the menu,
He just served himself à la carte.
Ron B.:
A fellow had picked up a tart
– At least so he thought at the start –
Until gasping for air
He announced with despair,
“’Twas a quiche with an art…uh…choke heart.”
Jon Gearhart:
Are philosophers’ words sweet or tart?
“I think so I am,” said Descartes.
Berkeley said, “If I am,
So is God.” “Life’s a sham.
Yes, it is. No it’s not.”– Jean-Paul Sartre.
Colleen Murphy:
If ever you’re dating a tart,
Precaution with sex would be smart.
You don’t know where she’s been.
To ignore’d be akin
To battling a gun with a dart.
Fred Bortz:
Marge Simpson was baking a tart
For Homer and Lisa and Bart.
She cried out, “Oh, no!
I’ve no yeast for the d’oh.”
But at least it gave Pesach a start.
Ron B.
Men madly will fall for a tart
Who, shallow of mind and of heart,
Will claim her vows taken
Have long been forsaken
By death never doing its part.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Ron B., Scott Crowder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limericks | 1 Comment »
Saturday, January 10th, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Ron B., who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
Now as moss, I was “boss,” but as peat
I’m just rotting away in the heat
Till I’m bagged to be spread
On a vegetable bed
And be treated like dirt by a beet.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Diane Groothuis, Jon Gearhart, Ron B., Marty McCullen, Kirk Miller, John Peter Larkin, Brian Allgar, and Allen Wilcox.
Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Tim James:
A fellow who loved to compete
Took a teacher to bed, quite a feat.
He was drunk. ’Twas unwise,
For he couldn’t arise.
So she graded his work “Incomplete.”
Diane Groothuis:
A gardener needed some peat,
So he went to a house down the street,
Asked a housewife in red
“Can I get in your bed?”
She replied, “You can leave tout de suite.”
Jon Gearhart:
At long last, she was set to compete
With her flower beds fin’ly complete.
All top ribbons she’d take.
When asked, “How, for Pete’s sake?”
She replied it’s cuz SHE forsakes peat!
Ron B.:
A fellow who loved to compete
In races he couldn’t complete
Just entered to stare
At each cute derriere
He gladly chose not to defeat.
Marty McCullen:
A gardener needed some peat
From property just down the street,
So he set about tasking
Without even asking.
He’s now in a small jailhouse suite.
Kirk Miller:
Manufacturers always compete
At a watch-making industry meet.
It should not be a shock
That they all watch the clock.
It’s a race against Timex, quite neat.
John Peter Larkin:
Don’t laugh, but I plan to compete
in your upcoming track and field meet.
I know I’ll prevail.
No way I can fail,
’Cause there’s no one as good as a cheat.
Brian Allgar:
The hooker refused to compete
In the beef-eating contest’s last heat.
She explained “It was fun
For a while, but I’m done —
I’ve had more than enough of jerked meat.”
Allen Wilcox:
Lim’rick contests tempt all to compete.
The meter has rules you must meet.
If you don’t take the time
To make sure that you rhyme,
Mad will throw you right out on the street.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, John Peter Larkin, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Marty McCullen, Ron B., Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, January 3rd, 2015
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
There’s a cop with a dog that is mine
At my door, which could be a bad sign.
“By the roadside,” he said,
“Dog gave birth.” Why my dread?
I’ll be getting a littering fine.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, Sue Dulley, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Allen Wilcox, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Jon Gearhart:
This new hot, kinky girlfriend of mine
Has a fetish for feet, which is fine.
She likes squatting on toes,
And you’re right to suppose
That for her I’ll be toeing the line.
Colleen Murphy:
A well-to-do uncle of mine
Still active at aged ninety-nine
Finds women adore him;
For dates they implore him,
Allured by his big dollar sign.
Sue Dulley:
The depths of my psyche I’ll mine;
I’ll even resort to red wine
To dredge up a verse,
Be it florid or terse,
With an actual rhyme in each line.
Jon Gearhart:
If I had a big diamond mine,
I’d make your life truly divine.
If our love life went daft,
I’d get stuck with the shaft,
But my rocks would remain wholly thine.
Byron Miller:
“My diction’s just fine, in the mine,”
Thought Eliza, repeating her line:
“Dr. Iggins’ all weht,
And I’ll mike you a beht
That it doh even rine up in Spine.”
Allen Wilcox:
“I play football. My future is mine.
My knowledge of logic is fine.
I now will give voice
To my difficult choice;
I’ll either resign or re-sign.”
Tim James:
At times, sweet indulgence is mine;
With a French gal I get to entwine.
It’s always a pleasure,
No matter the measure.
(In metric, it’s still sixty-nine.)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Byron Miller, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Sue Dulley, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Saturday, December 20th, 2014
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to ALLEN WILCOX, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A teller of tales hit a snag
When one tale made his audience gag.
From then on he was screwed,
Because everyone booed.
’Twas a case where the tale dogged the wag.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) C. Adams, Kathy El-Assal, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Matt Regan, Andy Bassett, Byron Ives, and Ron B. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
C. Adams:
A man told his boss, “There’s a snag.
Our servers are starting to lag.
We must pull all the plugs!
Our site selling ‘thick rugs’
Is confused by men wanting a ‘shag!’”
Kathy El-Assal:
Her plans to win votes hit a snag,
Cuz her rival would bluster and brag
Of deeds patriotic
And clearly psychotic,
Then wrap himself up in the flag.
Brian Allgar:
Absent-mindedness can be a snag;
My penis is wrapped in a flag,
And it’s tied in a knot,
To remind me of what? —
Oh, yes – must remember to shag.
Robert Schechter:
My zipper got caught on a snag
When I zigged when I wanted to zag,
And my member popped free
For the whole world to see
As it waved in the wind like a flag.
Matt Regan:
An engineer managed to snag
A ball-gown about which she’d brag:
“I knew in a minute
I’d look perfect in it
With my low co-efficient of drag.”
Andy Bassett:
A man told his boss “There’s a snag —
When you stepped out last night for a drag
Your phrasing so British
Made statesiders skittish,
Cuz you asked the desk clerk for a ‘fag.’”
Byron Ives:
Our golf outing hit a small snag;
Big Stu collapsed tending the flag.
Now what should we do?
We hit, then lugged Stu–
The rest of the round was a drag.
Ron B.:
A brash woman who managed to snag
A young farmer who majored in “Ag”
Said she gladly would yield
To his plow in her field,
If he kept all his seed in the bag.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Allen Wilcox, Andy Bassett, Brian Allgar, Byron Ives, C. Adams, Kathy El-Assal, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Matt Regan, Robert Schechter, Ron B., Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | 1 Comment »
