Said a pompous new neighbor named Jess:
“What degrees have I earned? Come on, guess!”
My response was to lapse
Into rudeness, perhaps:
“I am sick of your crappy BS!”
My Spelling Bee Plight
November 24th, 2023My dear husband will freely admit:
About spelling Mark doesn’t know shit.
Yet he speedily sees
The Bee’s pangrams with ease…
While I languish — a pangram-less twit.
The Future Felon (Limerick)
November 21st, 2023A bright future felon named Phil
Liked irking his teachers at will;
Adroitly annoying,
He shined at deploying
His smarts, as he went for the kill.
An Absurd Limerick
November 20th, 2023It’s “Absurdity” Day. How absurd
To describe just one day with that word.
For you’ll have to admit
That “absurd’s” a fine fit
For most days … or at least a good third.
(Absurdity Day is celebrated on November 20 each year.)
NOT Folderol (Limerick)
November 18th, 2023No matter how much I may dodder
And appear to be naught but a plodder,
I hereby guarantee
That I always shall be
On the lookout for limerick fodder.
Gratitude? (Limerick)
November 16th, 2023When my verse writes itself, I am grateful.
Out of nowhere it flows, feeling fateful;
No struggles with rhyme,
No battles with time.
Now if only it came by the crateful!
Drumming Up Decadence (Limerick)
November 15th, 2023What’s my excuse for posting this limerick? It’s November 15th, National Drumming Day.
A drummer had hoped to ensnare
An au pair in a sordid affair:
“Your breasts are so sweet.
May I fondle each teat?”
“You’ve some pair,” she said. “Beat it! No! Ne’er!”
An Athletic Test (Limerick)
November 13th, 2023An athlete ran nude down the street
And was caught by the cops — no mean feat.
He explained (all erect)
“‘Twas a test to detect
If detectives on foot can be fleet.”
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CATCH or CATCHES at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: December 9, 2023)
November 11th, 2023It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CATCH or CATCHES at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to MISTAKES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best MISTAKE-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
FAULTY, HUSTLE, MEAN, POT, STICK.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 10, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 9, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my CATCH/CATCHES-Rhyme Limerick:
Said a woman who’d just married Irv,
“Many friends tried to stop me. What nerve!
Do I love the guy? Natch!
He’s a wonderful catch…
Though I’m keeping divorce in reserve.”
And here’s my MISTAKE-Themed Limerick:
A thickheaded fellow named Fred
Had dreamed of becoming a Fed.
But it wasn’t to be;
In an interview, he
Kept confusing “dead drop” with “drop dead.”
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
“This table is sticky. Please clean it,”
Said a restaurant patron. “I mean it!”
“I’ll be glad to,” the server
Replied with great fervor.
“But I can’t find my rag. Have you seen it?
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (515)
November 11th, 2023It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to RUDY LANDESMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Had a dream. What it meant, I don’t know.
A raven or maybe a crow
Flew into my room
And announced gloom and doom.
Gotta stop reading Edgar A. Poe.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special LIST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“I feel languid again — what a chore,”
Laments Lackluster, starting to snore.
His wife, quite the shrew,
Makes a lengthy to-do,
And now Lackluster’s listless no more.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: ADVICE, CHECK, NOTES, SLIDER, SNOBBISH.
At the hamburger joint I espied her,
Twelve boxes of sliders beside her.
Take note of the fact
That because of this act
Her bankroll’s now thinner; she’s wider.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Tim James, Bob Turvey, George Larson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Mark Totterdell, Jean McEwen, Marieta McGrath, J.OConnor, Doug Harris, Lisi Nortman, and Janice Canerdy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CROW-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
He tattooed her fine breast; his price low.
After which, to her friends she would crow
About her good deal,
Where she’d offered a feel:
It was all Tit for Tat; quid pro quo.
Tim James:
Thirteen ravens, five jays, and a crow
Caused great terror wherever they’d go;
And they still induce fear
In the people they’re near.
They’re the CORVID 19, as you know.
Bob Turvey:
Here’s a tale that concerns a young peasant;
When he stroked his cock he found it pleasant.
Quite stiff it would grow
And then start to crow –
He can’t wait now to stroke his wife’s pheasant.
George Larson:
His hot-rod was mostly for show;
He bragged to his friends it would go
Like a bat out of hell,
But it didn’t go well.
At the end, the guy had to eat crow.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When some hawks hear the squawks from below,
The caws cause them to sway to-and-fro.
Their most favorite prey,
Isn’t Corvid, per se,
But they love to sing, “I Gotta Crow!”
Mark Totterdell:
Those ugly old crow’s feet that show
Round my eyes are the way that I know
That my youth is behind,
But I just wouldn’t mind
If they weren’t still attached to the crow.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIST-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
My stupidity can’t be denied
’Cause I laughed really hard, till I cried
When my gal split her pants
While attempting to dance.
On her shit list is where I reside.
Jean E McEwen:
I’ve got too many Things to Do lists.
I just can’t keep them straight; each exists
On its own scrap of paper.
It’s too hard a caper
To merge them; thus, chaos persists.
Terry Marter:
On a long windy sailing-boat ride
I was so sick and bored that I cried.
So I wrote a long list
Of life’s “pleasures” not missed
With “A boat with a list to one side.”
Tim James:
Santa’s finished with making his list.
He just checked it, and boy, is he pissed.
Naughty kids are online,
Where they’re bullies and swine.
How he wishes they’d cease and desist!
Marieta McGrath:
I jotted down three things to do.
The first was to buy superglue.
The rest became moot
As I shouted out “Shoot!
I had glued both my hands to my shoe!”
George Larson:
The birder makes lists as he goes
Of all of the species he knows.
But sadly, today
They were all chased away
By a murder of ornery crows.
Terry Marter:
Listen up, lest you don’t get my gist:
You’re as drunk as a skunk; Brahms and Liszt.
You’ve mumbled and stammered
Which shows that you’re hammered…
And a long list of terms that mean pissed.
Bob Turvey:
A lawyer once said to Miss May,
“I will list all your assets today.
Do you have property?”
She answered, “I’ve three;
There’s China, Ceylon and Earl Grey.”
J.OConnor:
Pharma ads all have jingles these days.
For drug sales it’s one of the ways
To get you to think
That their drug doesn’t stink
As the list of each side effect plays.
Doug Harris:
In Pisa the Bishop is pissed;
At the Foreman he’s shaking his fist.
He’s displaying unease
At about four degrees –
The builder’s not finished his list …
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: ADVICE, CHECK, NOTES, SLIDER, SNOBBISH)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Hyde consulted a shrink for advice,
(who took notes and seemed very precise.)
He said, “Doc, this is it:
My poor psyche is split,
So make sure that you’re writing this twice.”
Lisi Nortman, for her “Teaching The Wife About Baseball”
“Take notes, dear, to practice a slider.”
(I gave her a ball, just to guide ’er.)
“Now, it’s all in the grip.
Place your hand on the tip.”
(An approach that might get me inside ’er.)
Jean McEwen:
Let me give you a piece of advice:
Before you mock others, think twice.
Hold your tongue; check yourself.
Leave that taunt on a shelf.
Think whatever you like – but play nice.
Lisi Nortman, for her “Annoying Rebecca”
Here’s advice: don’t go shopping with Beck.
You’ll come home and complain, “I’m a wreck.”
She went shopping with me
At the Town Dollar Tree,
And for one gum drop, Beck paid by check.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When I offered a crumb to a spider,
(Please take note I sought not to deride her),
“Super-size it!” she snapped,
So at once I unwrapped
The whole sandwich and slipped her my slider.
Janice Canerdy:
I’m not snobbish, just misunderstood.
You don’t kowtow to me as you should.
If you’d seek my advice—
Only mine will suffice–
You’d be MORE like me, just not as good.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
The Party Planner (Limerick)
November 10th, 2023A fellow was planning a bash;
Pricey food, flashy site, quite the splash!
But it didn’t go well;
Can’t have fun from a cell.
(He had funded his fete with filched cash.)
The Troublemaker (Limerick)
November 9th, 2023A man who inspired dissension
Had a penchant for whipping up tension.
He’d start trouble, then watch,
While sav’ring both scotch
And the “show” that was all his invention.
The “Victim” (Limerick)
November 7th, 2023“Once again, someone’s spying on me,”
Said a paranoid woman named Leigh,
Who day after day
Was a “victim” (she’d say)
Of a fantasy “criminal spree.”
The Sleuth And His Dog (Limerick)
November 6th, 2023A dog-loving sleuthhound named Kurt
Was a hardworking gumshoe and flirt.
Though his chow did no tricks,
She DID attract chicks…
And was handy at digging up dirt.
A Senseless Term (Limerick)
November 4th, 2023“Common sense” is alarmingly rare;
Few folks have a sensible flair.
So the term makes no sense;
A misnomer immense!
“Common denseness” prevails, so beware!
(Use Your Common Sense Day is celebrated on November 4th.)
Celebrate Cliché Day? No way!
November 3rd, 2023I’m compelled to condemn the cliché.
When I hear one, I’m rubbed the wrong way,
Also irked and annoyed.
They are best to avoid
Like the plague … at the end of the day.
(Cliché Day is always observed on November 3rd.)
The Disgruntled Worker (Limerick)
November 1st, 2023Said a worker, “My life’s out of whack:
I mow lawns on a large cul-de-sac.
How I hate dead-end jobs!
My employers are snobs.
They own mansions; I live in a shack!”
The Frustrated Teacher (Limerick)
October 29th, 2023The driving instructor Jerome
Bellowed “Look what you’ve done to the chrome!
You have bashed in the grille!
Though I’ve tried to instill
Safety skills, seems I can’t drive them home!”
The Dissatisfied Patron (Limerick)
October 22nd, 2023“Chef, your food has a terrible taste!
Take it back! You prepared it in haste,”
Griped a large, nasty man.
The reply, said deadpan:
“Well at least it won’t go to your waist.”
