It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FUSED/CONFUSED or EYES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.) (Yes, I’m allowing TWO different rhyme schemes in this contest because fused/confused has fewer rhyme words than usual.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LEMONS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LEMON-related limerick. (For those outside of the U.S., who may possibly not know this, LEMONS can be much more than a citrus fruit.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 21, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 20, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick, which uses both rhyme schemes:
I stared at a painting, confused;
Yes, bewildered, perplexed, and bemused.
“It’s insightful!” “It’s wise!”
“He paints with his eyes!”
(Said by fans — I surmise they were boozed.)
And here’s my LEMON-themed limerick, a two-verser:
A fellow was beaming with pride
Cuz he’d purchased a flashy new ride.
But he speedily found
That his car wasn’t sound
And was facing a recall world-wide.
When he drove it, the engine soon died.
Then he learned its transmission was fried.
His lemony car
Made him go way too far…
And for murder he soon shall be tried.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to THOMAS VINCENT, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:
Tough love may be fine when you’re grown,
But for children, best leave it alone;
If you raise kids or chard
With a heart that is hard,
You will soon reap just what you have sown.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DIVORCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A newlywed couple I know
Will divorce in a few weeks or so.
What’s the cause of their split?
He’s not yet found her clit.
If he can’t make her come, then she’ll go.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Brian Allgar:
Said King Henry, “I’m dying to wed
Anne Boleyn – she gives really great head.
So first I must ditch
My last wife – frigid bitch!
But the Pope says ‘You’re married till dead.'”
“I’ve begged him until I am hoarse,
But he simply won’t budge. Well, of course,
I am nobody’s dope –
I’ve outsmarted the Pope
By inventing a thing called ‘Divorce.'”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, David Reddekopp,Steve Benko, Margie Nairn, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Kat Irving and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GROWN or GROAN” RHYME DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
When ice cream is sold in a cone
That can’t hold a scoop on its own,
Let alone two or three
I’ll say “Kids’ size for me,”
And ignore how much up I have grown.
David Reddekopp:
I’ve made lim’ricks an art all my own
And as time has gone on, it has shown
That my poetry runs
With many more puns
As my lim’rick collection has groan.
Steve Benko:
My children are now fully grown,
But I still don’t much care for their tone.
By me they’re embarrassed,
And visits? The rarest,
Except when in need of a loan.
Margie Nairn:
She hopped from the bed with a groan:
“Where’s that condom? It seems to have flown!”
“Don’t be daft,” said her mate.
“But please rush! Oops, too late,”
He said with a smile and a moan.
Tim James:
A misogynist let out a groan
At how “ugly” he found an old “crone.”
No one’s told the big creep
Beauty’s only skin deep;
As for stupid, that goes to the bone.
Brian Allgar:
When Trump showed the hooker his bone,
She giggled. “Think THAT can be blown?”
Returning his dough,
She said “You’d better go –
Come back when your dick’s fully grown.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
That document sure made me groan;
It’s wording, to me, was unknown.
So I saw Rabbi Hunt,
And he read back to front.
Then explained The Reverse Mortgage Loan.
Dave Johnson:
A stripper club dancer is known
To bring down the house on her own.
Her circle of fans
Never sit on their hands;
She’s seen how its members have grown.
Robert Schechter:
A pun’s like a seedling that’s sown,
So fragile, its future’s unknown.
Most die in the ground,
But sometimes it’s found
That a pun will survive till full groan.
Roger Haugen:
The athlete delivered a groan
When struck in the crotch by a stone;
Like all macho jocks
He’s proud of his rocks:
“They’re the most precious things that I own.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DIVORCE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
He’s made off with the dogs and the house,
Yet he still feels empowered to grouse
That I wouldn’t condone
His crass cheating (well known)–
As if I, and not he, were the louse.
Robert Schechter:
Our love for each other was true.
We were married. Our love only grew.
But the day she said “MAGA!”
Our amorous saga
Was over. Our marriage was through.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
For years I was suff’ring with grief.
I’ll tell you my story, real brief:
I got wed (then remorse),
So I got a d-i-v-o-r-c-e,
And that is how I spelled relief.
Steve Benko:
Said Henry the Eighth, “My new church
Leaves no man with a plan in the lurch.
If your wife gives you grief,
You can turn a new leaf
And be free while for pussy you search.”
Kat Irving:
He cried when the judge looked his way.
“Divorce me?” he groaned in dismay.
Then the judge wiped his tear
With my checkbook. It’s clear
That my Ex won the jackpot that day.
Kirk Miller:
Though both of the Cyclops did try
Hard to make marriage work, theirs did die;
Said the new divorcee,
“We just couldn’t agree
At all. Didn’t see eye to eye.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GROWN or GROAN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to DIVORCE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best DIVORCE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 7, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 6, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
Whenever a fellow would nap
His collie would leap on his lap.
Then he’d groan and he’d moan.
(The dog was full-grown.)
How he longed for a dog-warning app.
And here’s my Divorce-themed limerick:
Although “civil,” it’s certain to vex
And is rarely divorced from bad sex.
It takes courtrooms and cash,
Zealous Esqs who are brash:
It’s converting your spouse to an ex.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Two pencils set off on erase,
Looking sharp as they scratched out a pace;
The number one led,
Then the two got ahead,
But it ended a draw for first place.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Conductor-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
An ancient conductor named Tim
(Not me) met that Reaper most Grim.
He was well past his prime
Up on stage, beating time,
Till today, when time fin’lly beat him.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Thomas Vincent, Kat Irving, John Edwards, Lisi Nortman, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RACE or ERASE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
When the demagogue entered the race
Scary changes began to take place.
People took great delight
Showing hatred and spite,
Meeting two definitions of “base.”
Fred Bortz:
“It’s time that we cut to the chase,”
Said the lad in a sweaty embrace.
“Your body’s so supple.
I’m eager to couple.”
She replied, “Wait, this isn’t a race.”
Thomas Vincent:
When viewed from a ship out in space,
Humanity’s such a disgrace.
If evolving’s the test,
And Trump is the best,
We surely aren’t winning the race.
Kat Irving:
I’m in love with a dashing young fellow
Who plays an enormous red cello.
When he picks up the pace,
My heart starts to race.
And I swoon when his touch becomes mellow.
Tim James:
He was awed by her body and face,
So he went with her, back to her place,
Where he found out that “she”
Was hung better than he.
That’s an image he’d like to erase.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONDUCTOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
John Edwards:
To a cellist, a maestro from Datchet
Said, “This is the tempo – please match it!
Your instrument lies
Between your two thighs;
And you just seem to sit there and scratch it.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
The conductor seemed very forlorn:
He told me, “I’m terribly torn;
Though this job is first-rate,
Today wasn’t great
Cause Ms. Dinah would not blow my horn.”
Brian Allgar:
“That flautist!” recalled the conductor.
“She was hot, and I tried to instruct her
In ‘playing the flute,’
But my flute had gone mute,
So, regrettably, I never … what’s the phrase I’m looking for?”
John Edwards:
The conductor stepped onto the stand.
A lady said, “Isn’t he grand!
He looks pretty slick
With his cute little stick.
And he waves it in time with the band.
Fred Bortz:
I’m thinking of writing these tomes:
For building things, “Bucky’s Great Domes”;
For Quantum Mechanics,
“Why Schrödinger Panics”;
For conductors, “There’s No Law Like Ohm’s.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Musicians will often expound
A philosophy, very profound:
“The conductor’s unkind,
But we do keep in mind
That at least that damn stick makes no sound.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
Gastric issues? Some recommend chia.
It might help; at least that’s the idea
To avoid constipation.
But measure your ration
Cuz ALSO not fun: DIARRHEA!
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using RACE or ERASE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CONDUCTORS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CONDUCTOR-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 24, 2019 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 23, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
Though his conduct has been a disgrace,
He’s reformed and he hopes to erase
His transgressions from searches,
Cuz Google besmirches;
He’s harmed by each truth-telling trace.
And here’s my conductor limerick:
When audience members still cheer
A conductor whose meter’s unclear
And whose gestures and cues
Mislead and confuse,
Count on this: He looks cute from the rear.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
He gave scullers a recommendation
That they ought to use synchronization
To improve their boat’s speed,
Because what rowers need
Is a great deal of co-oar-dination.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special POULTRY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My chicken was glum in her coop;
She was coughing and had a bad croup.
So we called Doc Elixir,
Who told us to fix’er
By giving her hot people soup.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Charles Simmons, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Tim James, Victor Hood, John Shardlow, Thomas Vincent, Brian Allgar,Kat Irving, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NEED OR KNEAD OR KNEED” RHYME DIVISION)
Charles Simmons:
A knight galloped up on his steed
To rescue a maiden in need.
But his horse hit a rut,
He lit on his butt,
And the fair damsel laughed till she peed.
Dave Johnson:
A baker’s assistant must heed
Instructions to get up to speed.
Now here’s my advice:
Be direct and concise;
Then give them the dough that they knead.
Fred Bortz:
My Prof warned, “There’s one thing you need
In order to be PhDed:
Your thesis committee
Must grill without pity.
It’s time that you be third-degreed.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
In “Defense Class” the ladies agreed
To follow the famed Kick-Box Creed:
“Keep real careful watch,
Go right for the crotch,
And make sure he is properly kneed.”
Tim James:
A guy with a strong carnal need
Told the girls who showed up for the deed:
“What I want, I don’t know.
Let’s just go with the flow.”
Since the gals were Trump hookers, they peed.
Victor Hood:
She said to me, “I’m in great need
Of a very large dose of some speed.
Though my body is yours,
To get into my drawers
The deal is the speed for the deed.
John Shardlow:
The Lord said to Onan, “Indeed,
I’ll slay you for spilling your seed.”
He replied “There’s no waste;
It’s wallpaper paste.
It happens when I feel the knead.”
Thomas Vincent:
An indigent baker named Reid,
Made loaves with some illegal weed.
Soon the profits did grow;
He was rolling in dough.
Not bad for a baker in knead.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (POULTRY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Doctor Spooner had verbal bad luck,
For his tongue all too often got stuck,
And he gave them a shock
At the rest’rant “Thai Wok” –
He’d intended to order Fried Duck.
Kat Irving:
The handsome young rooster was loosed
On the young of the brood. He seduced
A hen called Matilda.
The shock nearly killed her!
His chickens will come home to roost.
Mike Moulton:
A handsome young chicken named Fred
Tried to charm all the hens in the shed;
He said “I’m a great cock.”
But the hens in the flock
Saw that he was a capon and fled.
Tim James:
The detective, his face in a scowl,
At the murder scene let out a growl:
“These dead turkeys and chickens ―
The sight of them sickens!
Indeed, this is murder most fowl!”
Brian Allgar:
I enjoy a nice partridge or pheasant;
Though small, they are tasty and pleasant.
But when I am starving,
I’d rather be carving
A swan, which I’m eating at present.
Jean McEwen:
As a vegan, I follow a creed:
I shall never eat poultry; indeed,
Even eggs are taboo,
So I’ve really no clue
Why those fowl all cry foul when I feed.
Tim James:
My poultry plant foreman averred
That I’m worthless. He spat out each word:
“If that hen you just plucked
Isn’t spotless, you’re f*#%ed!
Give it here!” So I flipped him the bird.
David Friedman:
The chicken was mad and it showed:
“I’m old and forgetful,” it crowed.
“Forgotten have I
The whole reason why
I crossed this proverbial road.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
The dentist belonged to a faction
That would mouth off in ev’ry transaction.
One could never extract
Any manners or tact
From the man, which is why he’s in traction.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using NEED OR KNEAD OR KNEED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to POULTRY, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best POULTRY-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 10, 2019 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 9, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
I’m in pain, so I need you to knead
All my muscles. Then get me some weed.
I was kneed in the back
By some guy at the track,
And it feels like I fell off a steed.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a Deal-rhyme limerick and an Argument-themed limerick:
Though the guy had seduction in view,
She had argued the whole evening through.
At the end of the meal,
She explained: “Here’s the deal –
If you want me, my girl-friend comes too.”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ARGUMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
People argue online quite a bit;
Many tweets are just quarrelsome shit.
I have one thing to say
About Twitter today:
The emphasis lies on the “Twit.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and CRAIG DYKSTRA, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Sharon Neeman:
“Let’s play cards,” said my date. “Look, I’ll deal
One card each; if you lose, you must peel.”
He drew ten; I drew nine;
He snapped “Well?” I said “Fine!” —
And prepared all the spuds for our meal.
Craig Dykstra:
Then he said “I propose something greater:
To your sexual whims I will cater.
Skip the kitchen ordeal,
We’ll make love with great zeal –
And if time allows, cook taters later!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, John Shardlow, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Thomas Vincent, Doug Harris, Victor Hood, Robert Schechter, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Judith H. Block, Jean McEwen, and Margie Nairn. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ARGUMENT LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
“I’ll make dinner all week,” said my spouse,
“If you let me off cleaning the house.”
“Are you crazy? No deal!
Your idea of a meal
Is cold hot dogs! Start scrubbing, you louse!”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her acrostic limerick:
A tiff can be quite an ordeal. Remember it takes time to heal. Get a bottle of wine; Uncork — don’t decline. End your fight and go have a nice meal.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME DIVISION)
John Shardlow:
A money mad girl from Great Billing
Was for coins of the realm always willing;
For just three pence, the deal
Would give you a feel.
Now think what she’d do for a shilling!
Tim James:
You think Stone has cojones? Get real.
He’ll take one look at Mueller and deal.
When he’s finished, this crook
Will have written a book
With the title “The Art of the Squeal.”
Brian Allgar:
The hooker gave Donald her spiel:
“Oh, your penis is simply ideal!
What a wonderful dick!
Not too long, not too thick!”
(Thinks: “It’s more of a snack than a meal.”)
Thomas Vincent:
The truth has become an ordeal,
And the facts have all lost their appeal.
Like Salvador Dali,
You betcha by golly,
Reality’s turning surreal.
Doug Harris:
“Two-for-one on new lenses, a steal,”
The optometrist said with appeal,
Through his monocle stare.
“I buy mine by the pair,”
I replied. “So it’s hardly eye-deal!”
Victor Hood:
The neophyte gambler had zeal,
So he said to the dealer, “Just deal!”
With his purse soon consumed,
He said as he fumed:
“This game has lost all its appeal.”
Robert Schechter:
I have heard people say, “Wheel and deal,”
And I know the word “deal” to be real.
In commonplace jargon
It just means to bargain,
But what does it mean when we “wheel”?
Tim James:
Achilles got quite the raw deal:
He got shot in the foot. The appeal
Went from Greece to on high:
“O you gods! Will he die?”
The response from Olympus: “Yes, he’ll.”
Byron Miller:
Social media’s such an ordeal;
It compels me to tweet how I feel.
Now I can’t sit alone
Without holding my phone
And I won’t face a book that is real.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ARGUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
The toilet roll’s really a wonder
When properly pulled from way under.
But John turned it around,
So it dropped to the ground,
And that is what tore us asunder.
Dave Johnson:
They went to a party last night
That led to a late-evening fight.
His wandering eyes
Earned a painful surprise:
“The couch!” as she reached for the light.
David Friedman:
Ann Marie argued daily with Joel,
Who would leave the seat up on the bowl.
Joel had to leave town
On the day Ann sat down
And got her ass wedged in the hole.
Judith H. Block:
The bistro had soft candle lighting.
Her smile was come-hither, inviting.
But her throat got a lump
When he praised Donald Trump,
And they ended up angry and fighting.
Jean McEwen:
Do you think I should marry my beau?
There are arguments — both con and pro.
He’s obnoxious and loud,
But he’s SO well endowed,
And it’s hard to resist all of that dough.
Dave Johnson:
They sometimes may quarrel at night;
Declaring who’s wrong and who’s right.
But then he will say
“Let’s just call it a day.”
He would much rather dicker than fight.
Margie Nairn:
I’m done with the Sunday talk shows
That feature political foes.
They will argue and spin
Over which one will win,
When the truth is that nobody knows.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
I hate learning to use new devices. And that explains my multi-year resistance to buying an iPad. (That, plus my carpal tunnel-wrists, which make any small keyboard an extra challenge.)
Anyway, Mark’s been an iPad devotee for many years. And a few weeks ago, I finally allowed him to talk me into buying one. (A great Amazon sale price, combined with the daunting prospect of countless hours away from my laptop during a then upcoming Dallas trip to see Mark’s ailing mother, was enough to convince me.)
It arrived, and I was an almost immediate convert.
But the one thing that did drive me crazy (besides learning to copy/paste on an iPad) was the different layouts you have to deal with when switching to the iPad app version of a given site.
The Twitter app, in particular, drove me nuts. How I cursed it out throughout our 12 days in Dallas.
Why did it have to be so damn different and confusing?
And how would I ever manage to alternate between tweeting on an iPad and doing it on my trusty laptop?
I’m feeling a bit guilty now. Why? Because when I finally got back to my laptop, I made a surprising discovery:
It turns out that Twitter’s done a major site overhaul across all devices, which just happened to coincide with our trip. And the new laptop version is virtually the same as the iPad app version.
So learning to use the spanking new Twitter on my laptop?
I’m sick and I can’t seem to stem
My output of vile-looking phlegm.
I can’t speak or emote;
There’s no clearing my throat.
I can’t even produce an “ahem.”
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ARGUMENTS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best ARGUMENT-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 24, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 23, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
I just had a nightmare — so real,
That it felt like the dreadful ordeal
Had been suffered while waking;
A hand I’d been shaking
Turned into a slippery eel.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I’m a pessimist. Let me explain,
So I don’t have to say it again:
In the tunnel, my friend
Is a light at the end –
Which belongs to an oncoming train.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special LIGHTING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
All was darkness. Then “Let there be light!”
Earth was formed, and the darkness took flight.
If in light we’re created
As Scripture has stated,
Then why isn’t Man very bright?
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special ACROSTIC Limerick Award, given occasionally to a clever acrostic limerick:
Please don’t be afraid on my plane. It is safe. You’ll be fine. Just remain. Leave the flying to me. OFF WE GO! And you’ll see That tomorrow, we’ll all be in Spain.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
What a marvelous thing is a dimmer!
On the days I feel older and grimmer,
I just turn it down low,
Make my wrinkles all go,
And look younger and slimmer and trimmer.
If there’s something to mend, fix or tie,
I can just turn the dimmer up high
And produce enough light
To set anything right
And ensure I’ll get by if I try.
Yes, the dimmer is grand altogether,
For both higher light levels and nether –
But I’d be more content
If kind souls would invent
Me a dimmer to tether the weather.
Congratulations to MARK KANE and DIANE GROOTHUIS, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Mark Kane:
Crammed in close, thigh to thigh on the plane,
With their will to abstain on the wain,
They soon met in the loo
For a slow urgent screw,
Then toasted their lust with champagne.
Diane Groothuis:
The passengers thought it was plain
That sobriety was on the wane
When they stood in the queue
To go to the loo,
Hearing corks popping, fizzing champagne.
Mark Kane:
They heard banging again and again,
As they waited inside to deplane.
And once out of wine,
With their lust in decline,
They were scared, so they chose to remain.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Judith H. Block,Fred Bortz and Val Fish. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LIGHTING LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
Says Trump, “What’s that light in the sky?
It’s too bright, and I’m starting to fry.”
“It’s the sun,” they explain.
“That’s a lie! I maintain
That my son is no brighter than I.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
A fellow who lived in Champaign
(That’s a town on an Illinois plain)
Said, “This place ain’t all that.
It’s cold and it’s flat
Like my ex ― but costs less to maintain.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
La Guardia! Where is our plane?
We thought we were going to Spain!
We slept on the floor,
Heard obnoxious jerks snore.
Next vacation. To Disney. By train!
Tony Holmes:
All these people are boarding this train
For two weeks in the sunshine of Spain.
What they haven’t been told
Is it’s wet and it’s cold;
But that’s fine, cuz they like to complain.
Jane Hoffman says:
The cows have lined up to complain
That the bulls are too hard to restrain.
The cows want a pen
Without any men…
To give them a chance to abstain.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
We looked up at the sky. (Was it rain?)
It went fast, and our eyes felt a strain.
Was it Superman? NO!
Was it birds? (Not in snow.)
There it IS! Oh my GOD! It’s a PLANE!
Tim James:
A couple got onto a plane;
Airborne nookie they yearned to attain.
Neither one had a clue
How to screw in a loo.
So they winged it, to mutual gain.
Tony Holmes:
“Drunk again?” is her constant refrain.
She derides all attempts to explain.
It were better, I think,
To forswear further drink,
Than to suffer that woman’s disdain.
Tim James for his Acrostic:
It’s becoming increasingly plain: Donald Trump’s so-called “very good brain” Isn’t all it should be. On the contrary, he Tweets and rants like a man gone insane.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHTING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“Soft music, dim lighting, and you…
You’re the love of my life. It is true,
When I see you, I’m dazed,”
Murmured Trump as he gazed
In the mirror, his favorite view.
Jean McEwen:
Thank goodness this room’s dimly lit
So my boyfriend can’t quite see the zit
On the tip of my nose
That through makeup still shows.
(If he saw it, then surely he’d split.)
Dave Johnson:
With agents and flashlights galore,
Now Roger is part of the score.
Since Mueller’s so near,
Trump just might need to fear
That 6 A.M. bang on the door.
Judith H. Block:
It seems that some guys need enlightening;
Their view is dismaying – needs brightening.
Beauty comes in all sizes.
They’re in for surprises;
Small gals can give pleasure quite heightening.
Fred Bortz:
The spotlights illumine the stage
Where the despot will soon stand and rage.
But the nation takes note,
And soon we will vote
That the time’s come to turn a new page.
Val Fish:
He’d attempted to set the right mood;
Soft music, the lighting subdued.
But it all went to pot
With chili, too hot;
Several trips to the toilet ensued.
Dave Johnson:
Trump’s shutdown is all about him
Kowtowing to fright-wingers’ whim.
Fed workers are stuck
All because of this schmuck,
Whose bulb runs no brighter than dim.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LIGHTING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LIGHTING-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 10, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you three full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 9, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
When a girl told her mom she was bored,
Her mother grew angry and roared:
“How dare you COMPLAIN!
Can’t you see I’m in pain?
Go play house, or I’m cutting the cord.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The pirates, a larcenous horde,
Took over while storming aboard.
A boat crew of nine
Bound together with twine
Held fast; they were all in a cord.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TREE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Said Trump to the hooker, “You’ll see
That my wood is the size of a tree!”
But when he was nude,
She said “Don’t think me rude –
It looks more like a bonsai to me.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and FRED BORTZ. Each of them wins a special Limerick Saga Award, sometimes given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Sharon Neeman:
Now we’re old, with bad joints and sore feet,
We find bus rides more bitter than sweet,
For we struggle to board
Or reach up for the cord,
And few youngsters will give us a seat.
Should we drive? No, that’s hardly a lark:
Trees take scary new shapes in the dark.
They cavort in the rain,
And it’s hard to explain
Why we hit one whenever we park.
Taking cabs is a strain on the purse,
Makes our budget and blood pressure worse –
No, I think we’ll stay in
Where it’s warm, play some gin,
Drink some scotch, and write crotchety verse.
Fred Bortz:
As hist’ry will sadly record,
A basket of those she deplored
Did Hillary in,
Giving Donald the win
With votes that could not be ignored.
His electoral victory scored;
He baited his bigoted horde
With alternate facts
That justified acts
Of hatred and evil, untoward.
There still may be time to reward
This land that we all have adored.
In the year twenty-twenty,
Let’s cast votes aplenty.
The outcome must not be encored.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz,Judith H. Block, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, John Shardlow, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TREE LIMERICKS)
Fred Bortz, for his “The Old Oak”
The couple, in ardent accord,
Their initials in tree bark had scored,
Leaving evidence, oaken,
Of love never broken.
They’ve aged, yet they know they’re adored.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME DIVISION)
Judith H. Block:
He thought that his faux pas was minor.
Then he saw all her clothes were designer.
All the hints he ignored;
He sure struck the wrong chord
When he took her to eat at a diner.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
“Dear Teacher, I tripped on a cord,
Then got cut on my brother’s sharp sword.
So no homework today,
And oh, by the way,
I chased after a bull and was gored.”
Tony Holmes:
I would never admit that I snored,
So my wife made recordings – I’m floored!
Beyond doubt, she was right,
But the future is bright –
We’ve discovered a new major chord.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
In the 50’s Dad got an award!
(His intelligence never ignored)
Cuz all on his own
He upgraded our phone,
By getting a much longer cord.
Dave Johnson:
The cost of their service has soared;
So now I am cutting the cord.
We can still watch TV,
Once I do it for free
By the shed where the woodpile is stored.
Tony Holmes:
I’ve discovered I’m now in accord
With a viewpoint I’ve always deplored.
I am shocked! What has changed?
Am I sick or deranged?
No, it’s worse – I got lazy and bored.
Tim James:
I knew a composer who scored
An op’ra most people ignored
’Bout an Army man struck
By a half-track and truck.
A-flat major’s its dominant chord.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TREE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
Those trees that were blocking his view
Are suddenly lying askew.
Officials resist
His attempts to insist
That the wind just selectively blew.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Even though you might feel a nice breeze,
Never park your car under the trees!
Cuz when you return
You’ll undoubtedly learn
That the birds have done more than just sneeze.
Brian Allgar:
His offspring, I’m sure you’ll agree,
Are as crooked as President T,
Grabbing ill-gotten loot –
Which just shows that the fruit
Never falls very far from the tree.
Diane Groothuis:
I checked on my own fam’ly tree
To find who’s related to me.
Well I come from good stock,
But it came as a shock
That Dad’s branch didn’t want me to be.
Fred Bortz:
There’s a tree that I love in the park.
I can find it at night when it’s dark.
Dogwood’s blossoms and fruit
Bring delight to my snoot,
But what’s best is the sound of its bark.
John Shardlow:
You gardeners, please make this pledge:
Whenever you’re planting a hedge,
Using laurel is dandy,
But shun the leylandii;
Between neighbors it’s driving a wedge.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone: (With Apologies To Joyce Kilmer)
I’ve seen metal that’s also a knee,
And a card that is also a key.
But I really must say
That there’s no goddamn way
That a poem is also a tree.
Jean McEwen:
Please don’t slander my poor hemlock tree.
It’s not poisonous — trust me! You see,
It is not like the plant
That’s called hemlock; it can’t
Ever hurt you — so no need to flee!
Dave Johnson:
In Florida, palm trees will sway,
With sunbathers basking all day;
Some willing and proud
To be showing the crowd
What others should never display.
Diane Groothuis:
I think that I never shall see
A poem so nice as a tree.
Providing good shade,
In Heaven they’re made
And useful to dogs when they pee.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TREES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TREE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on Sunday, January 20, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 19, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
A poet, quite broke, who felt stuck
Had a muse who was running amok.
So he got a large board
And some thick, heavy cord,
Then wrote: “Terrible Verse for a Buck.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
Men are taken with all types of tits –
And with buttocks. They’re perfect for mitts.
Why would anyone peer
At a face? It’s unclear,
But bosoms and buns? They’re huge hits.
Why are bosoms so cute to us chaps?
It’s the thrill of releasing the straps.
And the hooks, eyes, or lace,
Till we come breast to face
With the sight that turns men into saps.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Jewelry-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The love of my life was called Pearl,
A delightful, intelligent girl.
But she left me – I’d “dissed” her
By giving her sister,
The sexy young Ruby, a whirl.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Diane Groothuis, P Diane Schneider, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Peer or Pier or Appear” RHYME DIVISION)
Bob Dvorak:
Well, what to my eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and some deer.
I truly must stop
Downing tasty brown slop,
Ere I end up flat down on my rear.
Brian Allgar:
Said the hooker, “Your Lordship, I fear
There is nothing that I can do here.
Your ducal regalia
Is frankly a failiah –
I’m sorry, I must diss a peer.”
Tim James:
A yachtsman had drunk too much beer,
And it rendered his vision unclear.
He rammed into the dock,
Which collapsed from the shock.
As a seaman he’s quite without pier.
Sharon Neeman, for her limerick she calls “How Melania Trump Returned Safely from Africa:”
Said the cannibal chef with a sneer,
“Things are not always what they appear.
That one’s flesh has no taste;
Cooking her’s just a waste —
So don’t bring that Melania here!”
Diane Groothuis:
A woman consulted a seer
To see if her hubby was queer.
And the seer said “He’s gay.
Get yourself a new lay.
Don’t wait for his peer to appear.”
P Diane Schneider:
The jury box stifled a jeer,
And kitty cat shuddered in fear.
There’s word in the air
This trial is not fair;
No canine here looks like a peer.
Byron Miller:
My kitchen sink’s leaking. Oh dear!
And an overweight tradesman is here.
The one thing with a plumber
That’s always a bummer
Is having his butt crack appear.
Tony Holmes:
It is time I revealed what took place
On the day I was whisked into space.
They don’t probe, poke, or peer,
Or indeed, interfere;
But they push pretty hard for first base.
Lisi Nortman:
In the afterlife, I shall appear
As a ghost to some “pains in the rear.”
I know who I’ll haunt
And certainly taunt.
My list’s getting longer each year.
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A big fellow who drank lots of beer
Took pride in his skill as a pee-er.
His incredible aim
Gained the man bar room fame,
Till he once hit a cop in the rear.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JEWELRY LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Jake gave Cindy a ring set with jade,
Not with diamonds–so Cindy, dismayed
Gave to Jake, in return,
An asparagus fern.
(Seemed a pretty fair balance of trade.)
Dave Johnson:
“I know what to say when they call me.”
Says a popular gal from Snoqualmie.
She told her friend Mike:
“We can smooch, if you like;
Bring bling if you’re looking to ball me.”
Brian Allgar:
The Professor would constantly whine:
“How I loathe all those students of mine!
It is hell everlasting
To spend my life casting
Fake pearls before genuine swine.”
Sharon Neeman:
Clooney offered fair Bridget a necklace
If she’d come to his bed and be reckless.
“Why, begorrah, it’s glass!”
Cried the sweet Irish lass;
“Get ye gone, now — ye’ll always be feckless!”
Tony Holmes:
Her best friends are all diamonds, it’s said;
She has one for each time she’s been wed.
By a very old trick,
Without shovel or pick,
She has mined all her carbon in bed.
Tim James:
She has rings on her fingers and toes;
There are studs in her ears, tongue and nose.
But her guy doesn’t mind.
And there’s more bling to find
If down’s the direction he goes.
Lisi Nortman:
To find the right man, I’ve been told,
He should not be too young or too old.
But regardless of age,
My dear mother the “sage,”
Said “Honey, just go for the gold.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
The new year is coming up fast,
As I think of the world’s recent past.
It feels like the brink,
So to hope I shall drink:
Next year’s GOT to be better than last.
*****
Resolution Disclaimer:
Resolutions ain’t sticky, I fear,
Be it sugar, tobacco or beer.
If you’ve broken that pledge,
Please don’t be on edge.
No worries! There’s always NEXT year.
*****
Drunken Limerick:
Can I write silly verse after drinking?
Let’s see. Wait a second — I’m thinking.
Can’t come up with a verse
Or a rhyme. Even worse,
I suspect that this limerick’s stinking.
