Why am I first learning the word “Parnassian?” Oh well … better late than never.
I felt like a dolt and turned ashen
On belatedly learning “Parnassian”
Can mean poem-related.
My ego’s deflated…
But I’ll keep penning lim’ricks with passion.
Parnassian Passion (Limerick)
April 25th, 2021Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PLOT at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 1, 2021)
April 17th, 2021It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PLOT at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to DRONES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best DRONE-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 2, 2021 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 1, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my PLOT-rhyme limerick:
A woman at work on a plot
For a book that she hoped would be hot,
Read an excerpt aloud
To a writers’ group crowd.
Someone scoffed: “Is the author a bot?”
And here’s my DRONE-themed Two-Verse limerick:
“I do NOT want to own a damn drone,
No matter how easily flown.
It’s the last thing I’d buy,
And I can’t fathom why
You keep spamming me. Leave me alone!“How I got on your list, I don’t know.
Was my email supplied by a foe?
May your sales and drones crash!
And here’s a hot flash:
Do NOT hold your breath for my dough!”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (467)
April 17th, 2021It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“Free verse” was invented by hacks
Whose grasp on poetics is lax.
Without meter or rhyme,
What they write is a crime –
The law should impose a syntax.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHEEP-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Little Bo, as she tended her sheep,
Smoked a bowl and then fell fast asleep.
Her whole flock, at high cost,
Wandered off and got lost —
While from Bo there’s been nary a Peep.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER and LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When his fleece got too curly and twee,
Lambert bawled, “Maa! What’s happ’ning to me?”
Ewenice answered him, “Bah!
Que sera que sera —
Whatever wool be, lamb, wool be.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Dear Sjaan, this might sound a bit odd.
I’ve advice for you, (so help me God)
That lim’rik was fab,
Yet a little bit drab.
Cuz puns about sheep are so baaa-d.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Dear Lisi, I know I’ve descended
Into maaa-dness; it can’t be defended.
I have lambasted bovid —
I blame it on Covid.
Signed, Sheepish One. (No pun intended).
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, David Friedman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHEEP LIMERICKS)
Sue Dulley:
Unlike sheep, moose and elk males have racks
Known as ‘antlers’ for rutting attacks.
Ev’ry Bighorn sheep mourns:
“Why are mine just called ‘horns’
Like a trumpet, trombone and a sax?”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
An accountant I know can’t relax.
He hallucinates papers in stacks.
He has tried counting sheep,
But he still can not sleep,
Due to fabled 1040 attacks.
Brian Allgar:
Oh, damn it! I’ve just popped a button!
It’s my own fault for being a glutton.
I get hunger attacks
And I need little snacks,
So I’ve gobbled a whole leg of mutton.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
Grown weary of right-wing attacks?
Here’s something to help you relax:
Experience Fox
And those radio jocks
With volume turned down to the max.
Sondra Landin:
The boy at the piano attacks
The music of Brit Arnold Bax.
He pounds and he stumbles,
Then finally grumbles,
“I’d rather be playing the sax!”
Kirk Miller:
The Venus de Milo is charming,
But some think it’s rather alarming.
Beneath shoulders she lacks
Any limbs, so attacks
Are made that the statue’s disarming.
Tim James:
Corporations avoid paying tax
While they pile up the money in stacks.
“But it’s legal!” they say
As it’s all waved away
By a phalanx of flunkies and flacks.
Brian Allgar:
The killer goes mad with an ax,
And his victims are bundled in sacks.
But none of them bleeds;
All the corpses are weeds,
The results of his garden attacks.
Terry Marter:
In my beautiful dream nothing lacks.
We drift, so relaxed, on our backs.
Then a tongue in my ear
Says reality’s here;
It’s our Dog’s friendly “Wake up!” attacks.
Doug Harris:
As through this mad life we make tracks –
Uncertainty wielding its axe,
There are two things for sure
(It’s so simple, so pure)
That you’ll shortly be dead and pay tax!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Lizzie Borden, indicted by hacks,
For her heinous (unproven) attacks,
Is notorious still
As the goriest thrill
In one famous Museum of Whacks.
Rudy Landesman:
The op’ra’s been under attacks
In Rome, by vociferous claques.
They shout and they boo,
Throw tomatoes — that too.
What’s become of that old Roman Pax?
Tim James:
A collection of ignorant hacks
Runs around spewing stuff anti-vax.
Although prospects are dim,
We could pay for the stim
If we passed a stupidity tax.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
When I have my “insolvent attacks”
I use a great trick to relax.
I breathe into a bag,
Till I feel I will gag.
Then skedaddle right over to Saks.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHEEP LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tony Holmes:
Sid and Elsie a-shivering stood,
Sporting crew-cuts from old farmer Good.
Elsie said, “You look blue.”
Sid replied, “So will you.
I’m no longer a ram who packs wood.”
Mark Totterdell:
A cultured and civilized leopard
Ate a whole flock of sheep and their shepherd.
It did not eat them raw,
But pot-roasted, with slaw
And some garlic potatoes, well-peppered.
David Friedman:
There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Take sheep dip with sugar — one lump.
Or inject it right into your rump.
It works against Covid,
Just ask any bovid.
I read this in “Cure-alls” by Trump.
Jean McEwen:
It seems I’ve been fleeced by Lee Lamb
And her parents (Ma Ewe and Dad Ram.)
’Cause their pledge of fine wool,
It turns out, was pure bull–
And I gullibly fell for their scam.
Terry Marter:
Couldn’t sleep so I picked up my pen,
But decided to practice my Zen.
Then I wondered if sheep,
(When they can’t get to sleep)
Prefer to count women or men.
Rudy Landesman:
A lamb chop, as cute as a button,
Was eaten by one greedy glutton.
Its mommy, the sheep,
No longer could sleep;
Her baby would never be mutton.
Tim James:
“On the lam from some mobsters is he,”
Said the girl, “So he can’t marry me.”
Said her dad, “Those are lies;
Pull the wool from your eyes!”
And she sheepishly had to agree.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My young son wants to nourish his brain;
Asks me questions, and some I explain.
“Is the moon made of cheese?”
And “Who built the trees?”
And “Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?”
Kirk Miller:
The shepherd said sheepishly, “Damn!
I find that I’m in a big jam.”
And an ewe knew he’d cry
When he said with a sigh,
“The young sheep have all gone on the lam.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
A Grating Upgrade (Limerick)
April 11th, 2021Had a four-day-long mess at my site;
Server upgrade (gone bad) caused the blight.
The encoding set wrong
Made me long for a bong.
But it’s fin’ly been fixed, bit by byte.
I’m Not Sweet On Sourdough Bread (Limerick)
April 1st, 2021To those of you who enjoy it, Happy Sourdough Bread Day! (April 1)
I am sour on sourdough bread;
Its taste tends to fill me with dread.
But at dough-contents questions
To stave off ingestions
Of sourdough, bakers see red.
I don’t mean to condemn or attack.
I can’t help it; my taste buds are wack.
To some dough, they say “No!”
So I’m begging you: Throw
Something sourdough-free in my sack.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 17, 2021)
March 27th, 2021UPDATE: Unfortunately, my site is still undergoing repairs, due to encoding errors caused by my site host’s server upgrade. Consequently, I’m forced to extend this Limerick-Off by one week. Your new submission deadline is Saturday April 17 at 4 p.m. Eastern.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SHEEP, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SHEEP-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 18, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you three full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 17, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS-rhyme limerick:
Enough with your nasty attacks
About taxes and vaxes! The cracks
In your reasoning, shallow,
Are proof you’re a callow
Young fellow, who’s lax to the max.
And here’s my SHEEP-themed limerick:
A gal who was caught counting sheep
At her desk by her company’s veep,
Saw no reason to fret,
Cuz her job’s a safe bet:
The firm’s hers! So she went back to sleep.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (466)
March 27th, 2021It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Population stats brought up to date,
Were one misanthrope’s happiest state.
His old heart filled with joy,
And he hollered, “Oh boy!
Nearly eight billion people to hate!”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Co-Worker-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Dave Johnson:
Those folks on the 21st floor
Decided to even the score.
Their break room was bare;
Chairs and tables not there.
Now our bathroom stalls – nary a door.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, David Friedman, Gail White, Rudy Landesman, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “STATE/ESTATE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CO-WORKER LIMERICKS)
Dave Johnson:
Our office assistant was great;
She came from a northeastern state.
She’d talk about “caahs,”
Her favorite “baahs,”
And that baseball team Yankee fans hate.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STATE or ESTATE” RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The Covid’s been spreading by stealth
And severely affecting our health.
We all can relate
That the health of our state
Is affecting the state of our wealth.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, who notes that pursuant to a 1949 New Jersey statute, it’s illegal to pump your own gas:
I’m a lady from Jersey with class.
I drink wine from a Waterford glass.
I own an estate,
Which of course is first-rate,
And I don’t have to pump my own gas.
Tony Holmes:
“Fare thee well, cruel world. Life’s too tough.
I am beaten. Enough is enough.
I bequeath my estate
To my dog. Let my fate
Be a warning – No! Wait! It’s a bluff!”
Bob Turvey:
Let’s consider the blood-sucking tick.
When gorged it is half an inch thick.
If squeezed in this state
By yourself, or a mate,
It explodes. It’s a great party trick.
Tim James:
“Legal reefer? The prospects aren’t great,”
Said my neighbor, who just couldn’t wait.
Wanting things to improve,
He decided to move.
Now he lives in a mellower state.
Terry Marter:
My beautiful country estate
I bequeath to my very best mate,
Plus some CCTV,
So at times he can see
All my relatives camped by the gate.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CO-WORKER LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
My assistant is clumsy and fat.
Today on my laptop he sat,
Knocked over my cup
And would not wipe it up…
It’s lucky for him he’s a cat.
Ken Gosse:
Deep silence fell over the crowd
When the boss started thinking aloud.
Phones came to a stop—
You could hear a pin drop—
For his mind was as blank as a shroud.
Lisi Nortman offers “Advice For The New Co-Worker:”
“I’d like you to be my good friend,
So there’s something you must comprehend:
To do well at this place,
Pose that “hard-working” face
And remember the key word “PRETEND.”
David Friedman:
In these days of Covidian doom
There’s a silver edge lining the gloom:
The folks we’re employing
Are far less annoying
When miles away on a Zoom.
Tim James:
Our salesmen are miserable guys.
All their revenue numbers are lies.
They imbibe to excess.
And promiscuous? Yes.
But there’s worse: they steal office supplies.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Oh, please get me out of this room.
My co-worker’s fully in bloom.
I cough and I sneeze
And I’m never at ease.
So I call her “Miss Too Much Perfume.”
Gail White:
Whenever my office-mates gather
At break-time for coffee and blather,
I add my two cents
Which are brief but intense,
And do I get bored with it? Rather!
Rudy Landesman, who calls it “The Mikado Redux.”
We’re three little maidens, are we.
Three street workers, out for a fee.
Without long delays
Sir Sullivan pays,
But Gilbert, he gets it for free.
Mark Totterdell:
There was a young chemist called Bess
Who, to her co-workers’ distress,
Farted CO2, N,
CH4, H, and then
Finished off with some pure H2S.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Bamboozled By My Brain (Limerick)
March 21st, 2021In the course of my constant perusal
Of email, I learned a word: “foozle.”
Though I’ve read it means “bungle,”
My mind is a jungle.
So recall it long-term? Brain refusal!
*********
NOTE: No doubt limerick experts are tempted to tell me that Foozle and Refusal don’t rhyme because Refusal has an F at the beginning of the 2nd syllable. However, I’d argue that Refusal is pronounced like “Re fyou sal” or “Ref you sal” and therefore sounds different enough to be a rhyme.
The Perils Of Thinking (Limerick)
March 19th, 2021While thinking’s a fine thing to do,
Lately thoughts have been turning me blue.
They kick up a stink,
So I can’t sleep a wink.
(What a shame that there’s no one to sue.)
Happy “World Sleep Day!” (3rd Friday of March)
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: STATE or ESTATE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: March 27, 2021)
March 13th, 2021It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using STATE or ESTATE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CO-WORKERS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CO-WORKERS-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 28, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 27, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my State/Estate-rhyme limerick:
My neighbor was fined and then jailed.
“I will NOT wear a mask he had wailed!”
“It’s not up for debate,”
Said the judge. “In this state,
We follow the rules, and you’re nailed.”
And here’s my Co-Workers-themed limerick:
My cubicle-mate just resigned.
I’m relieved; he’s a boor unrefined,
Who chomps coffee beans — gross!
Glad to say “Adios!”
(Enough bitching! It’s back to the grind.)
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (465)
March 13th, 2021It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:
Dodos died, so it’s tragic but true
That there’s nobody left now who knew
Of the shape or the length
Or olfactory strength
Of the doo-doos a dodo would do.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BUGS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Brian Allgar:
I’d begun to have sex in the grass
With the prettiest girl in my class,
When “Oh God!” cried the chick,
“What a terrible prick!”
… She’d been bitten by ants in the ass.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners, in random order. (There are more than usual because it was a very strong week for entries, both in terms of quantity and quality.) Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Gail White, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DO or DUE or DEW or ADO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BUGS-Themed LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
Now that COVID is practically through
And we’ve all had a jab — maybe two —
Can we take our guitars
And sit under the stars
As we sing (and pass round) Mountain Dew?This old folkie’s not put off by bugs
Or by (mild) recreational drugs,
But I surely do long
To exchange — not just song,
But a thing that’s far better — real hugs!
Thomas Vincent:
Each time that I feel down and blue,
I munch on an insect or two.
Though humans like hugs,
I’ll just stick to bugs.
What else is a shrew s’pposed to do?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DO or DUE or DEW or ADO” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
When Satan came sauntering through
The salon door, the hairdresser knew
She could NOT blow him off.
So she fashioned his coif,
Thereby giving the devil his ’do.
Terry Marter:
I woke you (at quarter-to-two)
To show you I’ve written “I Do,”
And be sure you can see
That line four rhymes with three.
You can go back to sleep now – I’m through.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone
A baby’s a dream that comes true.
Can’t believe my sweet girl’s almost two.
But her dad’s of no use;
He’ll use any excuse
Not to change her when she makes a doo.
Sondra Landin:
We’ve had a long friendship, we two.
In good and bad years we pulled through.
But times are a-changing;
Our needs now far-ranging.
Let’s say our adieus sans ado.
Thomas Vincent:
If you want to use something that’s new,
Try our super thick, quick-drying glue.
But take care and beware;
If applied to your hair,
You surely will rue your new do.
Tony Holmes:
How you’re greeted will give you the clue.
You’re in Britain: It’s “How do you do?”
Down in Oz, it’s “Goo’ day!”
And in Paree so gay,
It’s “Bonjour” and then “Merci beaucoup.”In some states they say “Howdy!” (It’s true.)
In some others, “Hey ya’ll” or “Hey you.”
“How’s it hangin’?” is hip,
Though “Whassup?” has more zip,
And for Cajuns, “Bonjour” and “Adieu.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Noah boarded the beasts two-by-two —
’Twas a task the Big Boss bade him do.
He faced it, unblinking,
But couldn’t help thinking,
“The world is becoming a zoo.”
Sue Dulley:
I’m Sue. This is long overdue –
I never was born, I just grew.
So how can this be?
It was quite clear to me;
My parents were too shy to screw.
Dave Johnson:
While looking for something to do,
He dialed up a lady he knew,
Saying “Hey, I’m so bored.”
She said “Here’s your reward
For calling – now come bore me too.”
David Friedman:
There’s a raunchy giraffe at the zoo
Who shouts (as giraffes seldom do):
“If you think my neck’s long
Just look at my schlong!”
Then pisses to show that it’s true.
Gail White:
I’m claiming, without more ado,
That my Biblical visions are true,
While your foolish reliance
On reason and science
Reflects very poorly on you.
Terry Marter:
The clairvoyants’ convention was due.
They had asked us along. (We all flew.)
At Departure that night,
They all cancelled their flight,
So we cancelled ours too – wouldn’t you?!
Dave Johnson:
It came while in bed from her side;
A quiver she couldn’t quite hide.
Although they were through,
He asked “What did you do?”
“Just gave you a hand,” she replied.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BUGS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A diner, so bugged by the guy
Who waited his table, yelled “Fie!
You have managed to pour
On my lap soup du jour,
And now there’s a soup in my fly!”
Brian Allgar:
Damned mosquitoes! It isn’t the pain
That is driving me slowly insane,
But that nerve-racking whine
As they zoom in to dine
Once again, and again, and again!
Dave Johnson:
I’m puzzled what everyone sees
In purchasing items like these.
They’re blankets and such
Which I’d rather not touch
That come from a market of fleas.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“Hey, mosquito, let’s have a nice chat.
Don’t be shy, cuz I know where you’re at.
You’ve sucked up my blood,
But I’ll be your best “bud”
If you guzzle up some of my fat.
Terry Marter:
Some beetles are bullies and thugs
That treat the less wary as mugs.
But some, bright and gay,
Go out of their way
To stop and give lady bugs hugs!
Dave Johnson:
“I’ll tell you who bugs me the most,”
She said to the afternoon host.
“It’s people you ask
About wearing a mask
Who claim that their ‘freedom’ is toast.”“But now that the vaccines are here,
Their purpose in life becomes clear.
They scheme and design
To be there first in line;
I hope they get shot in the rear.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A pillbug, aggrieved, won’t reveal it;
When insulted, he tries not to feel it.
Called a “sow” or a “louse,”
He’ll be tempted to grouse,
But rolls up in a ball to conceal it.
Tony Holmes:
When disporting alfresco, beware!
Gnats and midges may nest in your hair.
This, in turn, makes you itch –
And that itch is a bitch.
It’s a high price to pay for fresh air.
Tim James:
Insurrectionist Klein loudly cursed:
“Damn these roaches! They’re simply the worst!
Move me out of here! Ick!”
But the roaches were quick:
They petitioned to move him out first.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DO or DUE or DEW or ADO at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: March 13, 2021)
February 27th, 2021It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DO or DUE or DEW or ADO at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BUGS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BUGS-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 14, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 13, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my DO or DUE or DEW or ADO-rhyme limerick:
On the verge of proclaiming, “I do,”
The bride nearly fell off her shoe.
“It’s a message from God.
Don’t marry this clod!”
Yelled her mom. “God likes Stu better too!”
And here’s my BUGS-themed limerick:
“This software is buggy as hell.
How dare you maintain it works well!
I’m bugged, so don’t shrug;
I’m pulling the plug
In a week, if the code doesn’t jell.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (464)
February 27th, 2021It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The stuff we call Time can’t be seen;
One instant it’s here, – then it’s been.
When you kiss on a hill,
It sublimely stands still,
But in Greenwich, U.K. it’s just mean.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Weed(s)-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Tim James:
How’s a gardener battling weeds
Like a john craving sexual deeds?
Answer: Each has a goal
At the end of a pole.
A ho(e) will serve both of their needs.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Rudy Landesman, John Edwards, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, David Friedman, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Jean McEwen, Bob Turvey, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO “WEEDs” LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
At last, it’s stopped freezing and snowing;
It’s Spring, and my garden is growing …
Bloody hell! I’ve just seen
Mother Nature’s been mean –
It’s only the weeds that are showing!
Rudy Landesman:
My last lim’rick, I now must concede
Did not mention a single wild weed.
And I’m sure you have seen
My misplacement of “mean,”
Two egregious transgressions, indeed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME DIVISION)
John Edwards:
There once was a weedy old dean
Who made up a lewd mondegreen.
His crude oronym,
He penned on a whim.
But what, you might ask, did demean?
Sondra Landin:
My dishwasher’s gone on the blink,
Dirty dishes piled high in the sink.
And I find it so mean:
There’re no guests to be seen;
They fled fast after food and last drink!
Kirk Miller:
There once was a woman named Jean
Who had the most dignified mien.
“I’m addicted to soap,”
She admitted. “I hope
That with treatment, I’ll soon become clean.”
Thomas Vincent:
Ophelia’s a regular teen
Whose grades always fall in between;
Not high and not low,
Just average, although
To note it still seems pretty mean.
Tim James:
A woman whose skin is bright green
Is the nastiest witch ever seen.
She will terrorize you
(And your little dog, too).
Her behavior in toto is mean.
David Friedman:
The wife of poor Jeremy Green
Is the nastiest bitch ever seen;
To hell she’d subject him,
Then offer her rectum,
The end justifying the mean.
Dave Johnson:
The former guy’s angry and mean;
Still constantly venting his spleen.
But lately the spew
Is no longer in view;
His Twitter bird flew from the scene.
Tim James:
Right-wing hacks used to hurry to score
Angry points in their “cultural war” —
To be first on the scene
With their rage, loud and mean.
But today? There’s no Rush anymore.
Dave Johnson:
He shows a cantankerous mien;
Intent on provoking a scene.
He’s letting us know
Just who’s running the show:
Our cat, when his box isn’t clean.
Sjaan vandenBroeder:
My retriever is halfway between
Pale yellow and orange in sheen.
If you think he’s a cur,
Take a look at his fur —
He’s authentic. A real Golden Mean.
Bob Turvey:
Six women, all young, fit and keen
Wanted ACTION (you know what I mean) –
Now they all loved one guy,
And he said he would try –
The funeral’s next week in Racine.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WEED(s) LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I admit that I lose all control
When I’m dancing to rock or to soul.
Then I get me some weed.
(Satisfaction indeed!)
It’s so cool when I rock and then roll.
Suzanne Heymann:
If you give groups of boys each a gun,
Pretty soon they will shoot ev’ryone.
But put weed in their hand
And they soon form a band
And spread peace in the land, having fun.
Jean McEwen:
The brownies I bake? Guaranteed
To please the whole crowd. I’ll concede:
They can taste a bit grassy,
But folks find them classy.
My secret? I spike them with weed!
Bob Turvey:
Said a nudist, “I love stinging nettles –
I sting both their leaves and their petals
With a weedkiller spray
Which just burns them away
And I relish those old scores it settles!
Sjaan vandenBroeder:
The weeds in my yard make me leery;
Tall creatures that stalk me — it’s eerie.
They hide pistils that shoot
Through my foil hazmat suit.
(It’s true. Not conspiracy theory.)
Tony Holmes:
Lawn perfectionist, Emerson Flaunts,
Would wake screaming. “The image! It haunts!
Grinning up from the sward,
Like a Mardi Gras horde,
Dandelions and daisies hurl taunts.”
David Friedman:
The drug couns’lor asked, “Who would need
This bud or this leaf or this seed?
And who’d waste an hour
Just smoking this flower?”
We speedily answered him: “We’d!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
What with weeds, germs, and virus galore,
I was sure we had ev’ry known spore.
But it seems we are short
The microbial sort,
So we’ve flown off to Mars to get more.
Dave Johnson:
When deer are out doing their deeds,
This guideline each one of them heeds:
“We’re claiming these flowers
And yard plants as ours;
Those humans can have all the weeds.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: February 27, 2021)
February 13th, 2021It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WEED(s), using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best -related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 28, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 27, 2021, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my Mean/Mien/Demean-rhyme limerick:
A man who had long gone to seed,
Once was hunky and handsome, indeed.
But no more; he is mean,
Vain, and even obscene,
And his visage now mirrors his greed.
And here’s my Weed(s)-themed limerick:
I’m irate and upset: I’ve been sued
By a cranky, litigious old dude,
Who claims that my weeds
Wrecked his lawn with their seeds.
He’s a lawyer, which means that I’m screwed.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (463)
February 13th, 2021It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The plumber piped up, speaking plain,
“All this crap here has blocked up your main.”
So I paid him to break
Up the clog with his snake.
But the thing fell asleep in the drain.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special BILLS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
At the zoo, all the rents steeply rose;
Now each beast strains to pay what it owes.
Ev’ry gator and croc
Had to go into hock,
And the elephants paid through the nose.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Thomas Vincent, Sondra Landin, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, and Paul Haebig. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MAIN or MANE or MAINE or DOMAIN-RHYME DIVISION)
Thomas Vincent:
If your horse looks too drab and too plain,
Wax its saddle and stirrups and rein.
You can brush its tail too,
But whatever you do
Don’t forget to remember the mane.
Sondra Landin:
I knew a nice farm girl in Maine
Who was seeking a swain, but in vain.
She would grumble and mumble
While swiping on Bumble:
“On-line dating is barren terrain!”
Tim James:
The company’s problem was plain:
How to make a loss look like a gain?
So the numbers were cooked
And the “profits” were booked.
’Twas a nice feat of ledgerdemain.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
At “Old Biddy Hill” here on Main,
The senior folk groan and complain.
And year after year,
I repeatedly hear:
“Just who in the hell stole my cane?”
Sue Dulley:
Allan Sherman wrote home to complain
Camp was hard to endure in the rain,
But much worse for Joe Spivey
Who caught poison ivy,
And Skinner, who’s sick with ptomaine.
Bob Turvey:
An out-of-doors dancer from Maine
Once had a rough time in the rain.
A bad skid in the dance
Left a knot in his pants
And his poor penis purple with pain.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BILLS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
“Tubman’s face on a twenty, that pill?”
Whines Donald, splenetic and shrill.
“It shoulda been me!”
And I almost agree –
Put his face on a three-dollar bill.
Tim James:
My proctologist hasn’t much class:
After treatments, he lets no time pass
Before sending his bill.
(Of compassion there’s nil.)
The guy’s just a pain in the ass.
Jean McEwen:
Watching bills (much like sausage) get made
May be all that it takes to persuade
Folks to roundly reject
The dumb pols they elect
And then send them right back to first grade.
Sue Dulley:
A Bill is by no means unique:
It’s a name, or a debt to pay (eek!)
Or it could be a law;
On a bird it’s the jaw
But for that there’s a better word: Beak.
Lisi Nortman:
The hooker I meet gives me thrills.
She knows all those cool naughty skills.
“Wifey” found my receipt
And screamed, “You’re a cheat!”
So now I pay Lulu in bills.
Rudy Landesman:
A person from Beverly Hills
Had frequently altered his wills.
His heirs were bereft,
For nothing was left:
The lawyers had padded their bills.
Paul Haebig:
I’ve heard of unusual wills
But nothing to top my friend Jill’s:
The language provides
For limousine rides
For her pug, and to pay all his bills!
Thomas Vincent:
A football fanatic named Stills
Who got caught with his hand in the tills
Said, “Judge, let me go
Cause I need all this dough
To pay off my Buffalo Bills.”
Brian Allgar:
“This creature is weirdly designed,
Like a beaver and otter combined,
With a bill like a duck,”
Darwin said. “WTF?
God must have been out of His mind!”
Tim James:
Mr. Dunn chases folks on the run;
At his job he is second to none.
He collects unpaid bills,
And it gives him great thrills.
Dunn has fun till he’s done with the dun.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: MAIN or MANE or MAINE or DOMAIN at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Feb. 13, 2021 )
January 30th, 2021It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using MAIN or MANE or MAINE or DOMAIN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BILLS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BILLS-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on February 14, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 13, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my MAIN/MANE/MAINE/DOMAIN-rhyme limerick:
A wicked young woman from Maine
Had a mane that was dyed “pink champagne.”
Her name was Rosé
“No not ‘Rose,'” she would say
With disdain, being prickly and vain.
And here’s my BILLS-themed limerick:
The hall had a lovely array
Of flowers on fragrant display.
But the bride wasn’t pleased,
“I’m allergic,” she wheezed.
“If I’m dead, don’t expect me to pay.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (462)
January 30th, 2021It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
I’ve taken my dog for a treat
To the rest’rant where I often eat.
I order, and they
Lead my doggie away;
I suppose it’s to give him some meat.They bring me my lunch in a box,
But inside, I see something that shocks.
“You have roasted my dog!”
And the waiter, agog,
Says “I thought you said ‘Beagle with lox’.”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Instruments-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A composer just lost it one day;
Now his music is hellish to play.
The percussion’s a roar,
Overwhelming the score.
It’s a cymbal of mental decay.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Mary Lawks visits Scottish lake docks,
Hides smoked salmon all wrapped up in socks.
They’d be put in a box,
Padlocked tight, sunk with rocks.
Mrs. Lawks locks the lox in the lochs.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR and SUZANNE HEYMANN, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Brian Allgar:
“Grasp it firmly with both hands”, he said,
“Now get over it, lower your head,
Purse your lips, and then blow.
Ah, that’s lovely! Just so!”
… She was learning the flute – you misread?
Suzanne Heymann:
You have led us right into temptation
With your rhyme’s instrumental narration.
Your male READERS will swear
And then howl in despair
With your incomplete rare demonstration!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Sondra Landin, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, and Paul Haebig. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOCKS or LOX or LOCHS or LAWKS” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
Dr. Frankenstein built me a fox:
Pretty face, framed by long, lovely locks.
But he did something odd
While constructing her bod.
Let’s just say I’ll be needing two cocks.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My cousin in Ireland rocks!
All the boys used to call her “the fox.”
Now she’s back in New York,
Fin’ly left County Cork;
Couldn’t wait to have boxty and lox.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Of those sins that wash up on the rocks —
Tattered clothes, shattered toes (still in socks!) —
Horrid sights that appall,
What’s the worst one of all?
Ruined salmon that could have been lox!
Sue Dulley:
She owned oodles of jewels and frocks
And a scarf that was made from a fox.
But she never went out;
Too much trouble, no doubt
Just to style and to set all her locks.
Sondra Landin:
I needed to color my locks
And I chose a new hue from a box.
Now my hair has turned green!
I can’t let it be seen,
So I guess I’ll crawl under some rocks.
Sharon Neeman:
Monday morning, the deli boss (Fox)
Encountered the rudest of shocks:
The Sunday guy (Bridges)
Had burgled the fridges!
Fox had to replace all the lo(x)/(cks).
Tim James:
My friend, who’s a cool refined Brit,
Never curses, not even a bit.
When life deals him hard knocks
He exclaims only “Lawks!”
As for me, though, I just go with “Shit!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INSTRUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
After working my bones to the max,
I go home, sit, drink wine, and relax.
When Dave Brubeck plays live,
I revive and I jive
With “Take Five” on piano and sax.
Sharon Neeman:
I asked Santa to bring me a cello,
But St. Nick only laughed: “My dear fellow,
That won’t fit in my sled;
Try this weed here, instead,
If you’re looking for smooth, rich, and mellow.”
Terry Marter:
When I write about woodwind and brass
The obvious rhyme word is “Ass.”
It’s a word I’ve reviewed,
But it’s bawdy and rude,
So I must find a word with more class.
Sue Dulley:
I love my antique-store barometer
Combined with a handy thermometer.
Three instruments, all
In one frame on the wall,
The third one, of course, a hygrometer.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Please bring me the instruments, Faye.
This stone must come out right away.
She came back with a flute
And an unfretted lute.
I think she brought in the wrong tray.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Since this tambourine chafes at my thumb,”
Said young Starkey, “I guess I’ll just hum.”
But the kid would go far,
And when grown be a star,
Once he ended up snaring a drum.
Rudy Landesman:
There once was a man from Bolzano,
A genius at playing the piano.
He used just one hand
On his old baby grand
And mastered it mano a mano.
Suzanne Heymann, for this 2-verser:
Learning flute was a bitch, I recall.
Before blowing air forward at all,
Both your lips have to ape
A wee hole that’s the shape
Of a diamond, agape, but still small.I could not make that magical sound,
But in wheezes and hisses, I drowned.
Upper lip had a bump
Quite a big, fleshy lump.
Threw the flute in the dump as I frowned.
Paul Haebig, for this 2-verser:
Last winter I went to Aruba
To paddleboard, snorkel, and scuba.
When I got to the place
I’d brought the wrong case!
I had to breathe air through my tuba.My snorkeling tuba gave pause
To the other beach-goers because
When I came up for air,
The sound said “Beware!”
It played the theme music from “Jaws.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Winning Arguments (Limerick)
January 27th, 2021Bill Murray Tweet: “It’s hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it’s damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.”
When you argue with someone who’s smart,
Persuasion’s a difficult art.
Your opponent’s a clown?
Then your win-odds go down,
And your challenge is way off the chart.
Snow Musings (Limerick)
January 26th, 2021I looked out the window. Saw snow.
How severe is the forecast? Don’t know.
I’d prefer a short flurry.
But why should I worry?
With Covid, there’s nowhere to go.
