Happy “National Dog Day.” (August 26)
My favorite breed is the “mutt.”
Yes, I know you’re about to say “But,
That isn’t a breed.”
I’m aware, but I need
To annoy nutty dog snobs who strut.
(National Mutt Day is celebrated on two days: July 31 and December 2.)
There’s an idiom many despise.
Some believe it’s a prelude to lies.
Those who use it to sound
Smart and lofty abound.
At the end of the day, it’s unwise.
Some people shouldn’t be trusted with knives… and I’m one of them.
Happy National Knife Day. (August 24)
For decades I wrangled with cane;
Cutting, carving, and whittling — my bane.
Wielding knives in my hands
As the oboe demands,
I made reeds — time (and blood) down the drain.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using LOON or LUNE or BALLOON or SALOON at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to MEMORY, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best MEMORY-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on September 5, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 4, 2021, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my LOON/LUNE/BALLOON/SALOON-rhyme limerick:
A fellow, as mad as a loon,
Would strip naked outside ev’ry noon,
Till a note came. ’Twas snide:
“Were I you, I would hide
All my privates; your prick’s picayune.
And here’s my MEMORY-themed limerick:
Once again, I am drawing a blank.
My recall’s, alas, in the tank.
My brain feels bombarded
By facts, soon discarded.
So Google’s my memory bank.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A moll stole a stole; it’s a wrap,
Which she sold to a girl with a chap.
But the chap was a mole,
And the wrap the moll stole
Was set by the mole as a trap.
Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special MOOD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“When I’m angry I know what to do,”
Said Donald, “to stop feeling blue.
I gather some friends
And some porn stars (all 10’s),
And together we stage a nice coup.”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s rap,
That mindless, unmusical pap.
The name would be better
With one extra letter;
It should be referred to as ‘crap.’
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sondra Landin, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WRAP/RAP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO MOOD-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sondra Landin:
Will she be in the mood for a wrap,
At that place with the good brew on tap?
No, she’ll spout with a sneer,
“I never touch beer,
And I don’t eat that crap – not a scrap!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WRAP/RAP”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
With a beat and a stomp and a clap,
“We Will Rock You” went wild in a snap.
Although what’s it all mean,
If God can’t save the Queen,
Who created Bohemian Rhap?
Bob Turvey:
When a well-dressed and handsome young chap,
On the privy door gave a sharp rap,
It opened, and Jane
Said, “God, you again.
Can’t a girl have some peace for a nap?”
Dave Johnson:
Trump’s MAGA brigade has a chap
Who’s busy producing a cap.
It’s silver, not red,
That’s adorning each head…
With Reynolds providing the Wrap.
Lisi Nortman:
“I am too old to get into rap.
I don’t care, cause that hip-hop is crap.
Used to party and drink.
At the girls, I would wink.
But right now “Happy Hour’s” a nap.”
Tim James:
She was wearing a nice dress and wrap
When her man went and set off a scrap:
“An ensemble like that
Makes your butt look less fat!”
Now he’s learned to shut firmly his yap.
Steve Benko:
I’m Notorious Steve, here’s my rap:
I love strippers who dance in my lap.
I entice ’em with verse,
And my poems are terse;
Just five lines, then I grab, and they slap.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Poe would clap o’er his ears a wool cap,
When his nerd of a bird spoiled his nap.
“In my haven, old raven,
You crave misbehavin’,
But jeez,” he cried, “PLEASE! No more rap!”
Terry Marter:
A detective with questions to ask,
Said “Do NOT interfere with my task.
You’ve been caught, cut the crap.
You’ll be taking the rap
For robbing a bank with no mask.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MOOD-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Doug Harris:
“Hey my darling, are you in the mood?
Testosterone fully imbued?”
“Yes I am!,” my reply…
“How I love D-I-Y,
The best way for a man to get screwed!”
Tim James:
There once was a lawyer named Rudy
Whose cash flow was making him moody.
“Lord Trump, it’s no joke;
Pay my fees or I’m broke!”
The reply: “Stick those bills up your booty!”
Terry Marter:
Now sometimes, when I’m in the mood
I do life-drawing class (I’m no prude).
But the model looks stressed
Fully dressed, – unimpressed
That I choose to paint HIM while I’m nude.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Though my mood ring is now an antique,
I still wear it (my friends say it’s chic.)
That the color each day
Is primarily gray,
Simply means I’m approaching my pique.
Fred Bortz:
The farmer deserves to be booed.
His dairy production is crude.
His yogurt tastes funky.
His milk pours out chunky.
And his cattle sound off their bad mooed.
Terry Marter:
She had set up the room for her Tim;
Moody music, – romantic’ly dim.
Then got stoned in the nude,
Woke up with some dude
Who said “Tim couldn’t make it , – I’m Jim.”
Tony Holmes:
I’ve been tossed on the scrapheap of life.
Lost it all – favour, fortune, and wife.
But what brightens my mood,
Should depression intrude,
Is the thought that misfortune is rife.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When egged on to be snotty or mean,
A good mood helps me keep my nose clean.
Left with egg on my face,
Is a tacky disgrace,
But less messy than venting my spleen.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
I’ve written my “Dear Chef” limerick to celebrate “National Hot And Spicy Food Day.” (August 19)
I like food that is spicy and hot.
Serve it bland? It’s returned on the spot.
Don’t assume you know best;
Second-guessing a guest
Means you’ve failed at your quest by a lot.
Sometimes a “Random Word Generator” can take you to strange places:
When, expecting his girlfriend to treasure
His sexual skills beyond measure,
He learned she liked pain
And his acts were in vain,
He said, “Sorry for giving you pleasure!”
Once I discovered that “humorous” has a homonym,” I vowed to use the two words in a limerick. And that’s harder than it sounds, because (for those unfamiliar with the stringent rules of limerick writing) words that are identical in sound do NOT rhyme.
When her humerus needed repairing,
The expense nearly made her start swearing.
But her problems, though numerous,
Struck her as humorous,
So she giggled, instead of despairing.
It’s “National Relaxation Day” (August 15), so an insomnia limerick seems more or less on point:
I’m exhausted, worn out, barely slept.
Some brain-part is surely inept.
My mind’s in a scrum;
Relaxation won’t come.
How I wish I were sleeping-adept!
Believe it or not, when I started writing this, I wasn’t thinking about the person you all think I was thinking about. (I was just trying to use my line 5 idiom in a limerick.)
I wondered why people deferred
To a fellow who’s coarse and absurd.
Well I’ve fin’ly learned why
They fawn over the guy:
He’s rich; hence he gets the last word.
Redundancy’s dull and dismaying,
And my patience for nonsense is fraying,
So I tend to turn red
At things best left unsaid,
Such as statements that “go without saying.”
At times, I’m disturbed by a piffle,
Like just now, when I started to sniffle,
On belatedly learning
This factoid, concerning:
The verb “rifle” is diff’rent from “riffle.”
(Here’s a good explanation of the differences between “rifle” and “riffle.”)
In case you’re wondering, Mark has NEVER had to say this to me:
Please don’t dally; you’re wasting our time.
We are late, so stop playing with rhyme.
Stare at RhymeZone tonight,
Or we’ll miss our damn our flight.
Let’s leave while I’m still in my prime.
I was almost too lazy to post my “Lazy Day” limerick:
A fellow was dragging his feet.
Delay was the one goal he’d meet.
The guy was so lazy,
He drove his wife crazy…
Though his drive while in bed was a treat!
Once again, I was out on a limb.
I had climbed up a tree on a whim.
(A literal beech;
Not a figure of speech.)
Was safety in reach? Chances slim.
(Note: Even back when I was young, spry, and had good, functioning knee joints, I never climbed trees.)
Sometimes, when my limerick inspiration is “on the ropes,” I’ll start with a random idiom. (In this case, my initial first line involved a “clothing boutique.” But when I thought of the last line, I changed the type of store for obvious reasons.)
With her laundromat shop on the ropes,
She was suff’ring a case of the mopes.
How she yearned to earn more!
And the plight of her store
Had reduced her to watching the soaps.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WRAP or RAP at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to MOODS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best MOOD-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on August 22, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 21, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my WRAP or RAP-rhyme limerick:
A worker caught taking a nap
Succeeded at beating the rap:
“My cubicle mate
Caused my somnolent state;
He’s a terribly boring young chap.”
And here’s my MOOD-themed limerick:
A woman whose boss was capricious
Found his mood swings pernicious and vicious.
But HR took his side,
Implying she’d lied.
Soon thereafter he died — death suspicious.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I went to a door store to see
What choices were open to me.
A sign on their stock
Read, “Pick Your Own Lock.”
But I want one that comes with a key.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Writing Style-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Mark Twain’s language: an erudite treat.
Ernest Hemingway’s prose: short and sweet.
Written discourse and wit
Then went wholly to shit
As the “President” babbled by tweet.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Rudy Landesman, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Byron Miller, Brian Allgar, Steve Benko, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “KEY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WRITING STYLE LIMERICKS)
Rudy Landesman:
e.e. cummings wrote verse that was “free”
and no capital letters used he
and the reason for that
keep it under your hat
a malfunctioning typewriter key
Brian Allgar:
Split infinitives irritate me,
Like a singer who’s singing off-key
And can’t hit the right note,
Or as if Shakespeare wrote
“To be, or instead, to NOT be.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“KEY”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
To enter my swanky new flat,
I just punch in a code, – and that’s that!
The fourth fail with my “key”
Triggered voicemail to me:
“Your new key-code is under the mat.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I thought I would go into shock.
(Took a breather and walked ’round the block.)
I at last found the key
To success, but poor me,
Seems somebody changed the damn lock.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I have just run aground, pity me.
I’m okay — just a cay in the sea.
But what other snags lurk
In semantical murk?
Is a lake but a loch with no key?
Dave Johnson:
Their singer was slightly off-key;
The crowd made his band hard to see.
Most covers they played
Were so moldy and frayed;
“Free concert” – no bargain for me.
Kirk Miller:
To identify dogs, we agree
That a strap ’round the neck is the key;
Has the owner’s last name,
The phone number of same.
This technique is named “collar ID.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
After Ponce de Leon sailed the main
From the Florida coast back to Spain,
He cried, “Izzy, it’s me!
I’ve discovered a key!”
She said, “Keep it. I just want the chain.”
Tim James:
It starts low, with “Oh say, can you see…”
Then goes high, to a crazy degree.
By “the rockets’ red glare”
You’ll be gasping for air.
You can’t possibly sing it on-Key.
Byron Miller:
Though beguiled, when Fay’d flipped me the key
To her new Maserati GT,
I soon felt like a jerk
When the key wouldn’t work:
For, Fay’d fobbed off a faux fob on me.
Brian Allgar:
This device seemed just perfect for me,
Since I’m always mislaying my key.
I press the thing here,
And my keys, far or near,
Will respond with ‘beep, beep …’ endlessly.It worked well until, several days later,
In need of my beep-generator,
I looked all around,
But it couldn’t be found –
Like a fool, I’d mislaid the locator!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRITING STYLE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I write. Like I speak. Not much drama.
I Never. Have use. For a Comma.
My phrasing. Concise.
With real. Sound advice.
Respect. Fully. Yours. B. Obama.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
In a manner excessively florid,
I pen horror tales grisly and torrid.
All my critics agree
I have mastered the key
To a writing style perfectly horrid.
Brian Allgar:
English spelling is hell. Readers wish
The word “ghoti” were not pronounced “fish”.
And they wonder if “quay”
Should be spoken as “kay”?
No, it’s “key”! As for Lillian Goti …
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When I’m writing a narrative book,
Stream-of-consciousness works as my “hook.”
But for pamphlets or tracts,
Or a thesis with facts,
I prefer to use Gobbledygook.
Dave Johnson:
Her method for teaching us cursive
Would often be somewhat immersive.
She hasn’t a hint,
But today I just print;
A practice she’d view as subversive.
Lisi Nortman:
“In conclusion, I just have to say,
In closing, don’t use a cliche.
Haste always makes waste
So write in good taste.
Writing’s hard at the end of the day.”
Rudy Landesman:
For really a very long while
I struggled with one author’s style:
“Ulysses” by Joyce;
That book is my choice
To start a new “Do Not Read” pile.
Steve Benko:
In poetry form or in prose,
There is no other writing like Poe’s.
For a frightening word
From a sinister bird,
He finds ravens more scary than crows.
Jean McEwen:
When you’re writing a brief, don’t just say
The court “should” or “should not”; that won’t sway
Any judge. No, instead
Explain WHY what they’ve read
Should incline them to see things your way.
Tim James:
“Your style with parentheses stinks,”
Said my prof (I don’t care what she thinks
(Though she’s smart (she’s from Yale
(Maybe Harvard; I fail
To recall (I’ve had too many drinks))))).
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Mark’s retired. Congrats! He’s now free
To play twenty-four-seven with ME.
But one question: Just when
Is my down time to pen
Silly lim’ricks? (I might have to flee.)
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
