MAD KANE'S HUMOR BLOG

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When his “urges” became more resurgent,
Certain pleas to his wife grew more urgent:
“Now that I’m growing old,
I will need to get bold…”
So she bought him a box of detergent.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INJURY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The hitch-hiker’s feeling quite glum,
And he thinks that it may have been dumb –
Stuck his hand out too fast
As a lorry shot past.
Now he’s waving goodbye to his thumb.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Mark Totterdell Sue Dulley, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Bob Turvey, Byron Miller, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Doug Harris, Wildman, Steve Benko, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, David Friedman, Daisy Hyrkas, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BOLD or BOWLED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INJURY-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

A critic, – audacious and bold,
Said my rhymes were all corny and old.
He is now on the floor
With my large Volume Four, –
There’s some blood, and his body’s quite cold.

Mark Totterdell:

To eat a blue cheese, truth be told,
Is an action both risky and bold.
It could lead to your doom,
As that stuff you consume
Is old cow-juice all shot through with mold.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOLD or BOWLED”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

I put on my jacket and strolled
Past the lawn where the lawn-bowlers bowled.
I won’t join their sport
Because life is too short
And I’m not yet sufficiently old.

Kirk Miller:

The magazine’s concept was bold.
Origami designs would be sold.
But subscribers were few,
So the publisher knew
After only one issue, they’d fold.

Tim James:

A publisher’s wife had grown cold
And turned into a bit of a scold.
Did he push back? No way.
It’s a pity to say
That only his typeface is bold.

Roger Haugen:

Said the ram to his pal, “I’ve been told
There’s a flock of hot girls in that fold;
Why screw just one ewe?
I’m up for a few–
No time to be sheepish, but bold!”

Bob Turvey:

No – they can’t replace heroes of old,
Like Fleming. So clever. So bold.
It must have been thrillin’
To find penicillin –
After making him God broke the mould.

Terry Marter:

I dreamt that my lims had all sold,
For their wit and their style oh so bold.
Then awoke minus smile
As my eyes caught the pile, –
All withered and gathering mould.

Byron Miller:

I can’t count all the games that I’ve bowled
In these shoes now all moldy and holed.
But, a buyer I’ll catch
If I glue on a patch;
Time to get them resoled and resold.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lady Longhorn, one hundred years old,
Breathed her last as her lover took hold.
He, not noticing this,
Said, when planting a kiss,
“Why so cold, if I may be so bold?”

Tim James:

The gal was especially bold.
Of my hands she had taken firm hold
And pressed both to her breast.
I then made a request:
“May I take a brief rest?” (God I’m old.)

Lisi Nortman:

I have frightening feelings of dread.
And unsettling thoughts in my head.
What’s more, I am old.
But today I was bold.
And actually got out of bed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INJURY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

I am secretly pleased that the limb
That I injured today at the gym
Needs a rest, cause truth told,
I’m decrepit and old
And this spandex look’s getting quite grim.

Doug Harris:

There’s many a tendon I’ve nursed
And how often I’ve landed head-first.
But likely dismissed
From the injury list –
A bruised ego is prob’ly the worst!

Terry Marter:

He was proud to be known far and wide
For the lions that lived by his side.
One day (on their whim)
He was torn limb from limb,
But none of it injured his pride.

Wildman:

In my Oculus world of illusion
I selected the game called ‘Confusion.’
Oh, I scored pretty well
Till I spun and then fell;
A new level achieved, called ‘Contusion.’

Steve Benko:

“Are you injured? Hire me, and we’ll sue!”
Said the billboard in red, white, and blue.
“The American way
Is to make someone pay;
You’ll get rich, and your lawyer will, too!”

Dave Johnson:

A porn film director named Rob
Was known for the insults he’d lob.
One time, way back when,
He kept yelling at Ken
For limping along on the job.

Roger Haugen:

The mugger cried out: “No more, please!”
As he cowered in pain on his knees;
He was soft in the head,
Or maybe brain-dead,
To think he could injure Louise.

David Friedman:

There once was a fellow named Gore
Whose nuts got shot off in the war.
He said, “Have no fears,
I’m married 10 years
So don’t really need ’em no more.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

I’ve chopped up my wrists with a knife,
But still I am clinging to life.
I’m clutching the note
That I angrily wrote,
Placing all of the blame on my wife.

Rudy Landesman:

Oh meter! Oh meter! Oh meter!
You’re sloppy. You stumble. You teeter
All over the place
And fall flat on your face.
You MUST mind your feet to be neater.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

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