Today (March 14) is “International Day Of Mathematics,” which gives me a good excuse to post this limerick:
A professor would often deride
His students as slackers who lied:
“For math you need smarts.
You’ve no brains. Try the arts.
You want me to pass you? Denied!”
I’ve been told to “Spring forward!” Can’t do!
With my knees? Are you kidding? I’m through:
No more jumping and running
And springing! I’m shunning
Such acts. You mean “clock movement?” Whew!
Today’s Accuweather Headline: “Powerful storm to bury interior Northeast under heavy snow”
Dear Spring, I’m sure hoping you’ll shove
Winter out of the way. No kid glove!
I’m impatient as hell
For a mild weather spell.
Signed Madeleine Kane, with much love.
If only I were making this story up: Headline: “Giant spiders expected to drop from sky across the East Coast this spring”
“Giant spiders,” East Coast-bound, this spring;
Using parachute-webs, down they’ll swing.
“Invasive,” yet “harmless?”
I’m far from alarmless
O’er spider hordes — beasts on the wing.
I wrote this yesterday (Monday) when NYC temps reached 67:
It is well over 60, and so
You might think spring’s arrived. Sorry! No!
With the outlook corrected,
A cold wave’s projected:
The forecast for Wednesday is “snow.”
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
What a beautiful voice, but egad!
She’s so dull that it makes me feel sad.
When she endlessly drones
In those sweet dulcet tones
It’s like “Dancing Queen” played on a Strad.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special REJECTION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
When big Jack said “Let’s Wed” I said “Yup.”
We agreed to forego the prenup.
I should’ve knocked back
Those advances from Jack
But I didn’t, and now I’m knocked up.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Linda A. C. Fuller, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Fred Bortz, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DRONES”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Linda A. C. Fuller:
A speaker who mumbles and drones
Will be greeted with hisses and moans
From an audience mainly
Comprised of ungainly
Glass housers who shouldn’t throw stones.
Terry Marter:
The night-show of bright swarming drones
Was wiped out by a storm, amid groans.
Parents cursed ‘Fuck you God’
On their wet homeward plod
While their kids looked up ‘Fuck’ on their phones.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Some people still say they don’t care
About noises that buzz in the air
From those ear-splitting drones
Which rattle my bones.
It’s more peaceful to sleep at O’Hare.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Which is worse — a new suitor who drones
On and on about stuff that he owns,
Or an old one who drums
With his thumbs while he hums
Strange renditions of hits by The Stones?
Tim James:
Tom the deviant currently owns
High-def vid cams that fly on his drones.
He was peeping at Dawn
Till her brother caught on.
Tom’s now sporting a few broken bones.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve heard buzz that some honey bee drones
Can have trysts (even though they lack bones.)
Should a queen bee fly by,
They will take to the sky
In pursuit of erogenous zones.
Mark Totterdell:
If the sounds of loud squeals, honks and groans
And unmusical wavering drones
Aren’t appealing to you,
Then the best thing to do
Is to not buy your children trombones.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (REJECTION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Rejected from Harvard? But why?
I’m such an intelligent guy!
I’ve read poems and prose,
Like “The Sun Also Rose”
And my fav’rite was “Pitcher On Rye.”
Fred Bortz:
Dear Author, Your work I decline,
Though I love every nuance and line.
It’s sexy and funny,
And we pay good money,
But not for our readers, age nine.
Rudy Landesman:
I thought we were great, when in bed.
I loved her and wanted to wed.
Now I can’t understand;
When I asked for her hand,
She gave me the finger instead.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
No one laughed at my yarns at my school.
They rejected my puns, as a rule.
So to cover my hurt
I embroidered a shirt
With big letters that read, “This Is Crewel!”
Bob Turvey:
Said his doc to a fellow called Hewish,
“Your heart’s effed – and that’s why you’re bluish.
But this pig heart is new;
I can give it to you.”
“I’ll reject it,” said Hewish. “I’m Jewish.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A young student done-in by pre med,
Thought he’d ace aeronautics instead.
He said, “I’ll make my bones
By mastering drones!”
But the subject was over his head.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
A creature who goes by “James Bot”
Spams my blog ev’ry day. Yes, a lot!
And I swear that’s the name
That he uses; can’t blame
You for doubts. But it’s true. Kid you not!
I’m celebrating “Printed Book Day” (February 23) with my Limerick Ode To The Printed Book:
An occasional e-book is fine,
And I love reading columns online.
But I cherish the feel
Of a book that is REAL.
My ideal? Printed pages and spine.
Please help! I’m addicted to word games.
One might argue that some are absurd games.
I also play cards,
But (like linguists and bards)
Prefer verbal brain-teasers — my nerd games.
Tomorrow’s unique! Here’s a clue:
Zero-Two/ Twenty-Two/ Twenty-Two.
So start spreading the news:
Due to all of its twos,
There’s innumerous “Twosday” ado.
Happy Twosday!
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DRONES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to REJECTION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best REJECTION-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on March 6, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 5, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my DRONES-rhyme limerick:
The anatomy prof provokes groans;
He tells anecdotes (endless) and drones.
Students stare at the clock,
Read their email, and mock
Him for tales that are never bare bones.
And here’s my REJECTION-themed limerick:
A man had a bee in his bonnet
About writing a humorous sonnet.
No one cared for his style,
So he built a flop-pile
Of rejections and plopped down upon it.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
When the mountain folk first grew aware,
That their “Bigfoot” had grown too much hair,
A young barber, quite brave,
Offered Yeti a shave,
But backed off when he heard him yell, “Ne’er!”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHORTAGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
There’s a shortage that threatens the gains
That we’ve made against SARS viral strains.
With the number of hacks
Spewing stuff anti-vax,
What we lack most acutely is brains.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sondra Landin, Tim James, Bob Turvey, Mark Totterdell, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Brian Allgar, and Steven Frakt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHORTAGES LIMERICKS)
Lisi Nortman:
He bragged, “You will note when I’m bare,
My member’s enormous and rare.”
I searched high and low,
With continual woe,
And was finally forced to ask, “Where?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WEAR or WHERE or WARE or BEWARE or AWARE”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sondra Landin:
On the subway, it’s Watch Out, Beware!
At the airport, it’s Welcome, Take Care!
On the street, speeding bikes,
Falling metal, small tykes;
Am I safe, sitting home in my chair?
Tim James:
Try our new paper casual wear!
It’s quite cheap and has no need for care.
When your clothing you doff,
You can rip it right off.
The name of the line: Wear and Tear.
Bob Turvey:
Said a doctor, “If patients are bare,
Baggy pants are the best thing to wear.
A member that’s turgid
Is in folds of serge hid;
Which avoids that embarrassing glare.”
Mark Totterdell:
A fur coat is a thing to forswear,
It’s a garment you never should wear,
So get out of that habit
Unless you’re a rabbit,
Fox, beaver, wolf, squirrel or bear.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I had DNA tested for kicks,
So my “roots” I might firmly affix.
To a lab I sent hair
From a sweater I wear.
The results that came back? “Poodle mix.”
Terry Marter:
On Valentine’s Day, – not a care!
Love’s journey will end who-knows-where.
How the years quickly pass!
But we still raise a glass,
Then we both fall asleep in our chair.
Lisi Nortman:
Inscribed on the Smith’s welcome mat:
“Our puppy is truly a brat.
So guests, please beware
And enter with care.
While you’re at it, watch out for the cat.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHORTAGES-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
With the shortage of loo-rolls complete,
Many folks can no longer excrete.
But, thankfully, I
Have a massive supply –
With a picture of Trump on each sheet.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I’ve yet to spot one man for me
Because it’s important that he
Has a house and a job,
And must not be a slob.
For those assets, I’d have to find three.
Steve Frakt:
Oh where are those wonderful elves
To help when we can’t help ourselves?
Wish they’d go to the store
And wait ’til there’s more
Toilet paper, on now empty shelves.
Bob Turvey:
Said a sex-mad young fellow called Benny,
“There’s no shortage of girls – there are many.
They have beautiful thighs
And “come-hither” eyes –
But the fact is – I AIN’T GETTING ANY!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Though I usually avoid sports, I love watching competitive figure skating. And it always brings back childhood memories of skating on a lake that probably wasn’t as frozen as my otherwise cautious parents assumed.
As a child, I loved skating on ice.
But take lessons? Pursue it? No dice!
Cuz you can’t be a klutz
Doing axels or lutz.
(I moved on to a different “vice.”)
On top of all the other shortages, it’s almost impossible to find a notary these days:
Finding notaries used to be fast.
But no more! Now I’m always aghast,
Cuz the message is bound
To be “no one’s around.”
“Maybe next week,” they add, vagueness vast.
Dear Sir: We might like that last batch
Of mail, were it not for this catch:
Not one piece was addressed
To the Kanes; ’twould be best
To bring mail meant for US with dispatch.
Here’s a quatrain for a change of pace:
Be careful when using
A popular buzzword.
You’re likely to learn it’s
A “formerly-was-word.”
“The soprano attempted a note
That is out of her range,” went the quote
From the Op’ra Review.
“It was shrill, like a shrew.” —
A critique that still sticks in her throat.
(Opera Day is celebrated on two different days: February 8 and October 25.)
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
