When a gal switched her major to art,
Her parents’ responses were tart:
“Paying bills is a bitch,
So you’d best marry rich.”
“Are you planning to clerk at the mart?”
A Major Confrontation (Limerick)
August 5th, 2022Skating On Thin Ice? (Limerick)
August 4th, 2022“Someone messed with this boot lace,” said Bree.
“So my free skate went badly. You see?
I am sure it was done
By the woman who ‘won,’
But it looks like that bitch will skate free.”
Practice, Practice, Practice! (Limerick)
August 3rd, 2022When students are told to play scales,
You’re likely to hear lots of wails;
Scales are boring as hell,
But to ever play well
They’re a must! (Also trim your damn nails!)
Don’t Make Me Look! (Limerick)
August 2nd, 2022Have you heard? There’s a pickleball craze.
Some folks even play nude, getting rays
Sans so much as a bonnet.
I happen upon it?
I’m surely averting my gaze.
Mutt Memories (Limerick)
July 31st, 2022When I starting drafting this limerick, I meant it to be a National Mutt Day verse. But it seems to have turned into something else:
I had many a mutt growing up.
My fav’rite behaved like a pup
Well into old age.
And my husband, who’s sage,
Takes his lead from that dog. Clever? Yup!
Writer’s Lament (Limerick)
July 25th, 2022I prefer not to grumble or whine,
But alas, I can’t seem to refine
The end of this verse.
And to make matters worse,
My muse’s behavior’s malign.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: STEAK or STAKE or MISTAKE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Aug. 20, 2022)
July 23rd, 2022It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using STEAK or STAKE or MISTAKE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BARS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BARS-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: SHOP, RUN, NEWS, WARNING, FIRST.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on August 21, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you four full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 20, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my STEAK or STAKE or MISTAKE-rhyme limerick:
A man who was rather a flake
Would beef about folks eating steak:
“When you chew, cows can feel it,”
He’d hiss. “As for veal, it
Is worse, so I cotton to snake.”
And here’s my BARS-themed limerick:
A pub owner often stole cars,
Pricey paintings, and sometimes guitars.
He neglected his tavern,
Which looked like a cavern.
Fin’lly caught, he is now behind bars.
And here is my RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:
“Don’t go running with knives,” parents warn.
Their children’s response? Often scorn:
“How ’bout scissors?” they query,
Which makes one mom weary:
“Should have stopped with my very first born.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (498)
July 23rd, 2022It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this crafty 2-verse limerick:
Tim James:
Penny glared at the “food” on her plate.
“Are you trying to make me lose weight?”
She inquired of her guy.
“That’s not fit for a sty!
As a drain cleaner, though, it’s first-rate.”Harry knew he’d been properly chaffed.
“I guess cooking’s beyond me!” he laughed.
He escaped Penny’s glare
When he learned to prepare
Mac and cheese sold in boxes by Kraft.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special CRAFT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A comedical poet of note,
On the subject of lim’ricks once wrote:
“Call it craft, call it art,
Me, I don’t give a fart.
Do whichever it is floats your boat.”
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: COMPLAINT CELL FORBID QUIRKY BOIL. (It’s also also a CRAFT-Themed limerick.
Lisi Nortman:
The motif I designed very well
Is a smash with my rich clientele.
Haven’t heard one complaint!
And I’ve named it, “The Quaint
Martha Stewart Traditional Cell.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Johnston, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Steve Benko, Bob Turvey, Michael Moulton, Byron Miller, Mark Totterdell, Trevor Alexander, Rudy Landesman, Richard Campbell, Dane Paulsen, Tim James, Robert Martinez, Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Woodstock Taylor, and Christophe Gowans. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: PLATE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A gal with a braid long and straight,
Who desired a twist more ornate,
Dressed her tresses with bling
(A new wave, quirky thing),
Then complained, “I’ve too much on my plait!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: CRAFT-THEMED LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Steve Johnston:
In his cell they forbid pastel paint,
But the artsy con curbs his complaint.
His blood’s at a boil,
Yet he will not roil.
He’s quirky, but whiner he ain’t.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PLATE-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The waitress I wanted to date
Tripped and fell in my lap. (It was fate.)
“You saved me!” she said.
The first thought in my head?
“She’s been handed to me on a plate.”
Lisi Nortman:
Oh, what an imposing estate!
It’s in very good taste, yet ornate.
We drank wine from Lalique.
The sterling was chic.
And each guest had a posh paper plate.
Steve Benko:
“If you leave any food on your plate,
You will suffer a terrible fate,”
Said the parents. “Okay,”
The boy answered, “But hey,
As to sins, did you know I’m not straight?”
Bob Turvey:
There was a young fellow named Bunn
Who was shot in the head with a gun.
A large metal plate
Caused the pain to abate
And made airport security fun.
Mike Moulton:
The Queen (bless her heart) was irate
When she saw Emsley’s portrait of Kate;
With the paint hardly dry,
She let out a cry:
“I’ll have that man’s head on a plate!”
Byron Miller:
The amount he had piled on his plate,
Made some “all you can eat” guests irate.
Once his meal had been tabled,
Chit-chat was disabled:
His dinner had hidden his date.
Mark Totterdell:
At the trendy new place where we ate,
Food was served on a board, or a slate,
Or a piece of rare vinyl,
Or old cracked urinal,
Or anything else but a plate.
Trevor Alexander:
In a chat with my long-time best mate
Who’d a penchant for putting on weight,
I confided I felt
That he’d be rather svelte
If he ate from a much smaller plate.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CRAFT-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Steve Benko:
“We think women do witchcraft in Salem,”
Said the mayor. “We find ’em and nail ’em.”
The Supreme Court rejoined,
“Women’s rights we’ve purloined!”
And a mullah just shrugged, “Here, we veil ’em.”
Rudy Landesman:
I sought help from a clown of renown.
“My jokes,” I said, “make people frown.”
He said, “Nobody laughed?
You should first hone your craft.
And then you must dumb your jokes down.”
Steve Johnston:
On hearing my warning, they laughed:
“You silly twit, you must be daft.
There is no need to panic!
We’re on the Titanic.
No iceberg can threaten this craft!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
To my Craftsman-style house came a “crafter,”
Paid to tear down a rotted old rafter.
I asked, “Load-bearing wall?”
He said, “Too soon to call.
But no worries — I’ll let you know after.”
Richard Campbell:
Some say lim’ricks are simple to craft.
But those folks are decidedly daft.
It’s so easy to goof,
And I’ll proffer as proof:
This last line was my seventeenth draft.
Dane Paulsen:
Carving models – a difficult craft;
I wanted to cry, but just laughed
When I lost a firm grip
And I caused chisel-slip,
Turning sailing ship into a raft.
Tim James:
Said a crafty investor named Schmidt
(Who had dabbled in crypto a bit):
“It’s the ol’ pump-and-dump —
Last guy in is a chump —
But for now it’s still semi-legit.”
Lisi Nortman:
Using witchcraft is no longer fun.
I’ve promised myself that I’m done.
No more casting love spells
In those sleazy motels;
Doesn’t work, the men see me and run.
Robert Martinez:
Whether boat or a raft or pontoon,
I can shrug off the fiercest typhoon.
Hell, just give me a plank;
Your ass I’ll still spank
In a sailing race to Cameroon.
Terry Marter:
In the lane-way, the art-n-craft gallery
Is a ‘front’ for the hot hooker (Valerie.)
It’s well known: ‘Backstreet Vally’
Lures men up her alley;
They’re the real source of Valerie’s salary.
Steve Benko:
My limerick writing’s a craft;
I work hard on them, draft after draft.
One night a bad dream
Made me wake up and scream;
At my entries, Mad Kane hadn’t laughed.
Mark Totterdell:
Old Noah was not at all daft
In the way that he loaded his craft,
Taking trouble to store
Both the lions to the fore,
And the zebras and antelopes aft.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
There are those who would never complain,
Should the Other Guy’s future domain,
Be a place with a lock —
One small cell in a block —
An apt tribute, perhaps, to his brain.
Paul Haebig:
He managed in prison quite well
And he soon learned to cope in his cell.
Some things they forbid
And those things he hid…
But just where, I would rather not tell.
Brian Allgar:
The hooker used terms that were quirky:
Straight sex became “Stuffing the Turkey.”
A hand-job (how quaint!)
She called “Portnoy’s Complaint,”
And a blow-job she sold as “Beef Jerky.”
Dave Johnson:
I am not really one to complain,
But cell phones may drive me insane:
Unusable apps
And connections that lapse;
My land line’s a must to retain.
Tim James:
My complaint is: my gal has a quirk.
It’s her mood; it can change with a jerk.
She transitions with ease
From a boil to a freeze.
Keeping up is a whole lot of work!
Woodstock Taylor:
Dear Customer Care – a complaint:
A functional cell phone this ain’t.
And heaven forbid
It should do what it did
In the ad – that would be just too quaint!
Christophe Gowans:
Now, a quirky young inmate called Doyle
Had a nasty complaint: a big boil.
Medics said “Bloody hell!”
Sent him back to his cell
And forbade him from selling the “oil.”
Terry Marter:
He gets word in his cell (on home soil), –
His exub’rance, now starting to boil:
The proud father to be
Is in Brooklyn (you see)
And yells out to the world “It’s a Goil!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Pure and pious was Pete as a kid —
Never sinned like the other boys did.
So he had no complaint,
On becoming a Saint,
And enjoyed saying, “Heaven forbid!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Wallowing In Fatigue (Limerick)
July 22nd, 2022Some archaic words cry out for a comeback and “forwallowed” is one of them. (It means “weary from tossing and turning all night.”)
I tossed and I turned through the night,
So I’m suff’ring insomnia’s blight.
My energy’s hollowed.
I’m feeling forwallowed…
And hope I recall how to write.
WordleBot Woes (3-Verse Limerick)
July 21st, 2022The WordleBot’s frequently callous
And when rating my play displays malice.
It shows frequent ill will;
Credits luck, rarely skill.
So it MUST have a miniscule phallus.
A Wordle solution in three
Brings me joy, so I’ll murmur: “Yay, me!”
Then I check with the Bot,
Who reviews what I got
And dispels any feelings of glee.
When I (rarely) solve Wordle in two,
All I get is a snide “Whoop Dee Doo!”
What’s it take for a pat
On the back from that rat?
This goes on too much longer? I’ll sue!
Chastened Chess Player (Limerick)
July 20th, 2022When I learn a new word, I sometimes feel compelled to use it in a limerick:
At chess, he is far from adept;
He’s slow-moving, sloppy, inept.
Many call him a patzer;
An apt term at that, sir.
When he gave up the game, no one wept.
(Today, July 20th, is International Chess Day.)
Still Bugged By Mosquitoes (Limerick)
July 11th, 2022Wherever I go (or I’ve been)
Bugs attack me, ignoring my kin.
I scratch and I itch
And I can’t help but bitch…
Cuz mosquitoes get under my skin!
Update: August 20 is World Mosquito Day.
Happy Birthday To My Great Husband Mark (Limerick)
July 9th, 2022Happy birthday, dear hubby! Have fun!
You’re the best husband under the sun!
And PLEASE don’t feel stiffed,
But this lim’rick’s my gift.
(Aren’t you happy you wed a “Begun?”)
Foiled Romance (Limerick)
July 5th, 2022A young lass liked a fellow a lot,
But his anti-vax views were a blot.
So she thwarted his pass
When she grasped that, alas,
He would never give vaxes a shot.
The Not-So-Sharp Musician (Limerick)
July 2nd, 2022A would-be musician was lax
About practicing scales on his sax.
Yet he landed a seat
In a band — no mean feat,
But then blew it and soon got the axe.
The Oddball Composer (Limerick)
July 1st, 2022A minor composer named Bea
Only wrote in A Minor. “You see,
Its sound is the best,”
She’d respond when a pest
Asked her why. “It’s my signature key!”
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PLATE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 23, 2022)
June 25th, 2022It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PLATE at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write CRAFT-themed limericks using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CRAFT-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of these Random Words anywhere in your limericks: COMPLAINT CELL FORBID QUIRKY BOIL.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random words and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives into adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on July 24, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 23, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my PLATE-rhyme limerick:
A slacker was caught as he ate,
By the boss, who was rather irate.
His response, when reproved
For blown deadlines? Unmoved:
“Not my fault! I’ve too much on my plate.”
And here’s my CRAFT-themed limerick:
A ship-wrecked young man on a raft
Felt sev’ral strong wind gusts abaft.
He cursed his bad luck,
His life run amok,
And the death of his rickety craft.
And here is my RANDOM WORDS GENERATOR Limerick:
I’m sick of my cell phone co’s quirks.
Its service employees are jerks.
When I called to complain,
Their response was insane:
“Call again with a cell phone that works.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (497)
June 25th, 2022It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MIKE YOUNG, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
My grandchildren gave me a hoe.
How to use it? I just did not know.
So I went to the wall,
Gave my neighbor a call.
The result? A splendiferous show.
Congratulations to GAIL WHITE, who wins the Special TRICK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Said a priest when the charges were laid
That he sinned a deal more than he prayed:
“I screw choirboys, yes,
But each night I confess —
It’s one of the tricks of my trade.”
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FAIL LOUD POP LAWYER SACK.
You’ll never know how I miss Pop.
I would sit on his lap and go “plop,”
Till his pacemaker failed.
With his last breath he wailed:
“You’re 30 years old, dammit! Stop!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman, Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Gail White, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SHOW-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TRICKS-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
One magician, a consummate pro,
Brought the house down. (But where did it go?)
Both his top hat and hare
Vanished into thin air…
And he ended up stealing the show.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOW-RHYME DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
He discredited all former theses
That dealt with the birth of our species.
Darwin managed to show
Evolution is slow.
Other stories are simply bull feces.
Jean McEwen:
The basset hound won best in show,
Although wanting in “get up and go,”
Which had long gone and went.
He got points for his scent.
(Though he stinks, when he sniffs he’s a pro.)
Tim James:
She seduced me (oh boy, what a show)
By removing her clothes nice and slow.
I believed she was drawn
By my good looks and brawn;
Later on I found out she’s a pro.
Terry Marter:
After fun in the back seat with Flo,
He drives back to his flat all aglow.
Then he goes home on Sund’ys
When Mum washes undies…
And prays that the stain doesn’t show.
Mark Totterdell:
Now the deadline’s approaching! Oh no!
I so wanted to give it a go,
But my time’s running out
And I really do doubt
If I’ll have something decent to show.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRICKS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
My husband, “The Great Backwards Abbott”
Has one very curious habit:
In his magic act, he
Will count, “five, four, three,”
Then pull a hat out of a rabbit.
Paul Haebig:
He has a set type, my friend Ben:
He’s always preferred older men.
A silver-haired guy
Puts a gleam in his eye;
Soon he’s up to his old tricks again!
Brian Allgar:
Though the conjurer’s tricks are so neat,
His assistant just can’t make ends meet.
But he’s taught her a lot,
And she really is hot,
So she’s out turning tricks on the street.
Dave Johnson:
The madam has one place to look
And find each appointment she took.
Her ledger has all
Of the clients who call;
She knows ev’ry trick in the book.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A magician revealed an old trick:
“When you’re sawing up ladies, be quick!
If you dawdle when you
Cut assistants in two,
Then one half will be calling in sick.”
Tim James:
What’s a bed trick? You hop into bed
For a roll with your squeeze. But instead,
Someone’s pulled off a switch.
You can’t tell (that’s the hitch.)
You’ve been badly mislaid and misled.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
A failed lawyer lived under a cloud
With a noisy pop-art-loving crowd.
He was caught with a sack,
Stealing shirts (from a rack),
All with colors excessively loud.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Since the walls were so thin in our shack,
I could hear Mom and Pop in the sack.
She’d say loudly, “Go slow!”
Or, “Not there — that’s too low!”
(He must have been scratching her back.)
Tim James:
A beat cop was given the sack
Cause he kept popping out for a snack,
Scarfing doughnuts and pie.
Then he failed to grasp why
In a foot chase he couldn’t do jack.
Dave Johnson:
While hauling a grocery sack,
A loud pop had me taken aback.
That plastic bag’s fail
Made my blood pressure sail;
A lawyer’s about to attack.
Gail White:
My marriage is going off track,
And I can’t get a single dime back
On the settlements signed
When with love I was blind…
So I’m giving my lawyer the sack.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A guy in the sack with his Momma,
After killing his Pop may be drama;
But the tale of Oed Rex
Wasn’t all that complex…
Until Freud turned it into a trauma.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
