A limerick about the ups and downs of going to sea, just in time for National Maritime Day:
A queasy man, drawn to the sea,
Being lured by its lore made a plea:
“I’ve an ocean trip notion,
But all of that motion!
Please doc, keep me mal de mer-free.”
A striking headline: Train Runs Over Couple Having Sex on Tracks.
When Sex Is A Train Wreck (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There are folks who like sex when it’s risky.
Taking chances can make them quite frisky.
But sex on the tracks,
Is mad to the max.
Their coitus, I’d guess, involved whiskey.
Update: April 23 is “Take A Chance Day.”
Today on Facebook, someone posted a photo of a short, female subway rider using a plunger on the train ceiling, so she could remain standing without losing her balance. Since I too am a short, subway-challenged woman, I was inspired to write this limerick:
Taking The Plunge (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I am thinking of taking the plunge:
Subway plungers might help prevent lunge
And thusly forestall
A terrible fall.
But I need one not covered in grunge.
A limerick about going to sea, just in time for National Maritime Day:
A Seafarer Returns (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow returned from the sea
And was greeted by tears from mate Leigh.
“I missed you,” she moaned.
“I sure wish you had phoned,
Cuz your absence seemed fishy to me.”
UPDATE: June 25 is the Day of the Seafarer.
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And since Mother’s Day is approaching, I’m offering you an alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to Mother’s Day, using any first line. Next week I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Mother’s Day limerick.
And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge: I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow who took many trips…*
or
A fellow who frequently trips…*
or
A gal who enjoys taking trips…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Trips
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow who took pricey trips
Was exceedingly chintzy with tips.
Just deserts fin’ly came
When he crossed the wrong dame,
Who laced his dessert and his dips.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner plus the Honorable Mentions.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow who had a degree…*
or
A woman who had a degree…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Degree
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow who had a degree
In law, yes, the dreaded JD,
Found the market dried up,
So he sang for his sup
On a ship after going to sea.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Poets United prompts us to write a poem about home:
Homing Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I may travel and wander and roam.
For adventure, the streets I may comb.
But wherever I go,
Here’s the one thing I know:
There is nothing and no place like home.
I learned some valuable lessons during the second annual Lewis Black Comedy Cruise:
1: When stand-up comics like Lewis Black, Kathleen Madigan, John Bowman, Vic Henley, Mike Wilmot, Greg Proops, Jeff Stilson, and Tim Wilson are having great difficulty standing up, they aren’t necessarily drunk. It could also be THE HURRICANE.
2. My husband’s delusions of grandeur are no longer confined to his thinking he’s both a lawyer and an MD. He now thinks he’s a comedian.
Yes, hubby Mark Kane actually did a three-minute routine on “amateur comic night” — his virgin performance — and he did amazingly well.
And no, I didn’t perform any of my limericks. Why not? Because I can’t even remember what I wrote 30 seconds ago.
3) When you rumba really fast, and with lots of enthusiasm, it passes for dancing … at least on a ship-load of Lewis Black groupies.
Okay, right now you’re probably saying to yourself, “What’s with all this prose? I want me some limericks!”
Well don’t worry. I’ve written a half-dozen limericks about the cruise and some of the comedians who made it so much fun:
Cruising For Laughs
By Madeleine Begun Kane
We went cruising with Lew, Vic, Kathleen,
John and Wilmot, whose act sure ain’t clean.
Also Tim, Jeff and Greg,
And some hurricane — Meg???
Comics bravely tried not to careen.
*****
Limerick Ode To Vic Henley
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The stand-up comedian Vic
Has a wit that’s incredibly quick.
He hails from the south,
But his city-smart-mouth
Conjures up multi-cultural schtick.
*****
Limerick Ode To Mike Wilmot
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The off-color comic named Mike
Tells some jokes that the squeamish might spike.
But his musical tales
Provoked huge laughter gales.
So Mike’s funny, but leave home your tyke.
*****
Mad Kane At Sea
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m afraid that I’m feeling at sea:
I went cruising — a comedy spree
With Lew Black and his crew,
Who were funny on cue.
How I miss all that laughter and glee!
*****
Limerick Ode To Greg Proops
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The brilliant Greg Proops hurts my brain.
His routines nearly drive me insane:
His mind is so fast,
And his humor’s a blast,
Yielding laughter that leaves me in pain.
*****
Pining For Lew
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m afraid I don’t know what to do,
Cuz I’m pining away for dear Lew.
To wait a full year
For more Lewis cruise cheer?
Such pain can’t be borne by this Jew.
*****
(You can read my limericks about the 2010 cruise here and my Kathleen Madigan limerick here.)
Airplane Piloting 101: If you must spill coffee, spill it on your co-pilot … and not on the plane’s communication’s equipment.
A United Airlines flight from Chicago to Frankfurt, Germany, was diverted to Toronto this week after the pilot dumped a cup of coffee on the plane’s communication’s equipment. The unwanted liquid triggered a series of emergency codes, including one for a hijacking, according to Transport Canada, the agency that regulates transportation in Canada.
And that brings me to my latest limerick:
Diversion Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A pilot with coffee needs skills
To captain his plane without spills.
So I don’t mean to grouse,
But kindly don’t douse
The controls, cuz that’s flying no-frills.
Once again, it’s Limerick-Off time. I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman was planning a trip…
Here’s mine. (It’s a two-verse limerick, but a standard one-verse limerick is fine, of course.)
A woman was planning a trip,
When her husband said, “Please, get a grip.
Our bank account’s low.
We have one-way cash flow.”
But his wife said, “Enough with your lip!”
“You’ve been wasting our cash at the track
And on poker and possibly crack.
I’m sick of this life
And of being your wife.
So goodbye, it is you who should pack.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, right above my photo. Thanks!
I am not a cruise person. I hate the sun and I avoid boats and water whenever possible. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to buffets.
But when hubby Mark and I heard about the Lewis Black Comedy Cruise, featuring comedy greats like Kathleen Madigan, John Pinette, Ted Alexandro, Larry Wilmore, Vic Henley, Dom Irrera, and John Bowman, we couldn’t resist.
Wise decision!
Now even with that superb lineup, I was a little leery. In fact, I wrote this limerick before setting unsteady foot on that ship:
I’ve never attempted a cruise,
So I’m nervous — will need lots of booze.
But I could not resist
Such a great comic list.
I need laughs to get over the news.
But I needn’t have worried. Lewis Black was his usual hilarious self, as were all the other comics. Plus we had a great time with the comedians, who mingled after-hours with the riffraff … I mean, fans.
Here’s my two-verse limerick ode to Lewis Black (I wrote it mid-cruise when Internet connection rates were roughly a gazillion bucks a minute.)
The angry old comic Lew Black
Has a mind that is quite out of whack.
So he offered a cruise
Packed with laughter and booze,
Fulfilling a deep-seated lack.
Yes, Lew had a very strong yen
For more contact with women and men:
Lots of fun-loving folks
Who’d laugh at his jokes
And then trail him till heaven knows when.
And finally, my post-return limerick:
We’re home from a comic sensation:
Lew’s Cruise, filled with laughs and elation.
There’s another next year.
(The thought makes me tear.)
Thank you, Lew. You deserve each ovation.
Oh … and just so you know, Lewis Black isn’t just a comic genius — he’s also a mensch.
As I’ve mentioned before, my husband and I recently vacationed in Las Vegas. I’ve already reviewed Cher’s show and Cirque du Soleil’s LOVE via limerick. Well, now it’s time for a far less positive review:
An Unmagical Night of Magic (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
David Copperfield’s show on the Strip—
Neither clever, nor witty, nor hip.
He acted quite bored,
Which is rather untoward.
When in Vegas, avoid him’s my tip.
When I posted my Cher limerick last weekend, I promised more limerick reviews of Las Vegas shows. So here’s my love limerick to the Beatles-inspired Cirque du Soleil show LOVE.
Mad About LOVE
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Once again, I must say hip-hooray
To the wonderful Cirque du Soleil.
It’s spectacle LOVE
Is a few cuts above.
Like the Beatles? Then see it today.
While I’m on the subject of Cirque Du Soleil, hubby Mark and I saw “O,” Mystere, and Zumanity on previous trips. “O” and Mystere were great, but we both disliked Zumanity.
Sorry to have been so quiet lately. I’ve been traveling — family stuff in Dallas, followed by a wonderful vacation in Las Vegas.
Here’s the first in a short series of limerick show reviews:
Limerick Ode To Cher
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The singer and actress named Cher
Looks amazingly good nearly bare.
Her singing is great.
Her show is first rate.
And costumes? Elton John should beware.
That’s it. No more vacations!
Sounds a little extreme, I know. But strange things tend to happen when my husband and I have the nerve to travel or take time off.
No, I don’t mean canceled flights, lost luggage, or stolen passports. Nothing so mundane as that. I’m talking about incidents like:
* a drowned Toyota;
* a windshield collision with flying branches while my car is going 55 mph;
* a Mazda smashed by a tree while it’s parked and minding its own business.
Detect a pattern here?
We’ve had so many weird holiday episodes, that our insurer has created a special policy provision just for us:
Notwithstanding the aforesaid incomprehensible coverage terms, this policy shall be subject to the following limitations and exclusions, hereinafter referred to as Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause:
1. Claims for beach sand, in excess of four (4) gallons, entering automobile via sunroof, shall be subject to a $2,500 deductible.
2. Damage to fuel line by reptiles, including but not limited to alligators and crocodiles, is hereby excluded.
3. Hotel parking lot car-drowning incidents shall be subject to a “one more time and you’re canceled” cap.
Our most recent adventure took place at our weekend house. And before you get too impressed by our owning a weekend house, let me hasten to add it’s only 380 square feet. In fact, when we got it appraised for mortgage purposes, its “comparables” featured our neighbor’s garage.
Mark had spent the entire day telling me he “really, really, really should plant the flowers” — those very flowers that were waiting patiently in our Mazda, hoping against hope that the fellow who bought them the previous day would eventually recall that occasional sunlight is somewhat better than a hot, dark trunk.
Knowing better than to meddle in Mark’s planting activities — or lack thereof — I didn’t say a word. I didn’t have to. I already knew the answer: “I don’t want your help. Go away.”
Besides, I had complete faith that at some point before the plants died, Mark would remember that replacements cost money and he’d unload the car and begin digging and uprooting our resident worms. I also knew this would occur just as the last vestiges of sunlight said goodbye. (“Anyone can plant by daylight. Where’s the challenge in that?”)
Mark didn’t disappoint me. He cracked open the car trunk at 8 p.m. and finished around 10. He even did it without the sort of event that might trigger an insurance claim.
And then it happened: Just as Mark was walking up the driveway toward our refuse cans (in an aberrational instance of his actually taking out the garbage), he heard an unfamiliar noise. And thank heavens he did. Because the sound made him stop in his tracks, just as a huge tree limb came barreling down across our driveway, striking our car and our garbage cans but miraculously sparing Mark.
Mark naturally took this as a sign from God: “Thou shalt never again take out the garbage.”
We spent the rest of the night celebrating Mark’s survival. And devoted the next day to tree-limb removal, car-repair estimates, and insurance negotiations.
Needless to say, Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause is longer than ever.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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