I can’t let Thanksgiving go by without writing a limerick. Or maybe I can. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure it’s my duty as an American citizen to post this while there’s still time to save yourselves:
Limerick Ode To Thanksgiving
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Whatever you’re planning to eat
This Thanksgiving, I hope it’s a treat.
Whether stuffing and turkey
Or something more quirky,
Here’s hoping it doesn’t repeat.
Rumor has it that fall will arrive on September 23rd. So I thought I’d celebrate with my Limerick Ode To Autumn:
Limerick Ode To Autumn
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Feels like autumn — the walking is easy
Cuz it’s cool and it’s dry and it’s breezy.
But what do I spy?
Flying pollen — oh my!
Any minute I’ll surely be sneezy.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
On a hot, muggy day in July…
Here’s mine:
Hot Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
On a hot, muggy day in July
Our A/C decided to die.
I phoned for a fix
And received a firm nix:
“It is too hot to work. We might fry”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Limerick-Offs.
Update: Air Conditioning Appreciation days run from July 3 to August 15.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this as its first line:
There’s a hint of sweet spring in the air.
Here’s mine:
A Season For Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There’s a hint of sweet spring in the air,
And I’m strolling outside, both arms bare.
Yes, I know it can’t last.
Winter surely will blast
One more storm, but right now I don’t care.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, you’re welcome to join my friends in that same activity in my Limerick-Offs.
Are you as sick as I am of our twice-yearly clock-adjustment ritual? Do you think, as I do, that we have more than enough daylight and that there’s no need to save any?
I’m sorry, but my internal clock is sufficiently confused and doesn’t need Daylight Savings Time to make my chronic insomnia even worse. And I’m inclined to clock the next person who reminds me to change my damn clocks.
Save Me From Daylight Savings Time (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My natural clock is a mess.
Just thinking of sleep gives me stress.
Spring forward—fall back
Makes me more out of whack.
So I don’t change my clocks — I just guess.
(More DST humor here.)
Dear Press: Clean Up Your Own Damn Mess! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
We get headlines each March from the press:
“It’s Spring — Time To Clean Up Your Mess.”
Seems they’re too dumb to know
That we’re still getting snow.
Dear journos, stop giving me stress!
Related Post: Guilt Springs Eternal
I’m so sick of this snowy New York winter. And of all the fretful phone calls from my mother-in-law, warning hubby Mark about snow shoveling and heart attacks. Funny, she isn’t at all concerned about my heart.
That brings me to my latest limerick:
Send Us Spring, STAT!
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m achy from head down to toe.
The cause? I’ve been shoveling snow.
I wanted to punt,
But instead, did our front,
While my spouse did the rest — quid pro quo.
********
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the one up side of February which is coming up very soon: Valentines Day. And so happy Valentines day, especially to you fellows who may find this Valentines Day column helpful. Gals, you can thank me later.
A huge snow storm (perhaps even a blizzard) is about to descend on New York City and has already hit much of the east coast. And that means it’s the weatherman’s time in the sun:
Ode To The Weatherman (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The weatherman’s acting excited:
New York City’s about to be smited
With a snow storm real big,
Which I really don’t dig.
And just why must he look so delighted?
(Note: Yes, I know that the past tense of smite is smote. Artistic license, okay?)
UPDATE: I’ve just learned that today (February 5th) is National Weatherperson’s Day, observed on the birthday of John Jeffries.
June in New York’s been a wash-out this year. So I’ve written both a limerick and a haiku about our rainy weather. And I welcome you to write some weather verse too:
First my limerick:
June Down The Drain
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Oh, when will the rain ever wane?
Our weather this June’s been insane.
We are having a bout
With the inverse of drought.
So whoever’s in charge, please refrain!
And now my haiku:
Rainy New York June
Has identity crisis:
It thinks it’s April.
Feel free to write your own weather-related limerick (using my first line, if you’d like) and/or weather haiku and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, please join my FB friends in a limerick-off and haiku-off.
Guilt Springs Eternal
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Spring has arrived. Do you feel guilty yet? If not, you apparently don’t read women’s magazines. Every March and April they’re packed with “clean up and organize your life” articles. Stories with catchy titles like Spring Into Action — Tidy Up Your House. Or Wash Away Winter Blues. Or Banish Clutter Now; Otherwise We’ll Keep Torturing You With Articles Meant to Make you Feel Like A Slothful Bum. Personally, I’d rather read Why Clean? It Will Only Get Dirty Again Tomorrow.
Why do magazines publish these pieces? Because every spring millions of women have the same Pavlovian response: Guilt. Guilt quickly followed by a spending spree on periodicals and cleaning supplies. They grab every magazine in sight and, in a fit of post-New Year’s resolution fervor, vow to Martha Stewartize their homes.
Do these articles help? Do they unlock the sacred secret of “eat off your basement floor” womanhood? Hahahahahahaha. Pardon me — I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were serious. (Guilt Springs Eternal continues here.)
Bugged
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mosquitoes are on the attack.
They have bitten my arms and my back.
You may call ’em God’s creatures —
These venomous leechers —
I’m tired of being their snack.
(I’ve been bugged by mosquitoes before.)
(Inspired by Manic Monday’s “bug.”)
Update: August 20 is World Mosquito Day.
Dear Spring
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear spring, you are late once again.
Yet you claim that you’ve been here, since when?
Thirty days? That can’t be:
It’s still cold out, you see.
And some sun would be nice, now and then.
Note: I feel almost guilty posting this, since yesterday’s weather was delightful. But a couple of days ago, when Totally Optional Prompts prompted me to write it, it was unseasonably cold.
Three haiku to “celebrate” an unseasonably cold first day of spring:
Calendar says spring,
But the weather disagrees.
Hope they work it out.
New York guys and gals
Greet springtime in their shirtsleeves
While winter mocks them.
Spring shyly appears,
Taps winter on the shoulder,
Vows to try again.
(Inspired by One Single Impression’s spring prompt. And speaking of prompts, there’s still plenty of time to participate in my latest poetry prompt. How do you participate? Just write a haiku or limerick about poetry or writing and use Mr. Linky to post your themed link.)
Weathering New York Weather
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The weather outside isn’t nice,
And the walks are all covered with ice.
I seem to recall
That it’s technic’ly fall.
Would I leave New York City? No dice!
(You can find more of my seasonal (and holiday) humor here and more of my New York humor here.)
Ms. Legal Person returns by popular demand with advice for the holiday season. “Your free help was worth every penny,” wrote one satisfied reader. “Do you have malpractice insurance?” wrote … oops, wrong letter.
Okay, enough with the accolades and on with your questions:
Q: They hung mistletoe in my office, and I’m highly offended.
A: Why?
Q: It’s sexual harassment.
A: I see. Has anyone ever kissed you while you were standing under the mistletoe?
Q: No.
A: What about when you weren’t standing under the mistletoe.
Q. Certainly not.
A: That’s what I thought.
*****
Q: My birthday falls right before Christmas and I always get short-changed. Do I have any legal recourse?
A: You suffer from Badly Timed Birthday Syndrome. Fortunately, last year’s Anti-Discrimination and Mental Health Care Reform Bill included the Birthday Rehabilitation Act. It allows you to petition any federal judge to modify your birthday by no more than 30 days.
Q: That’s great news!
A: You need only prove that your birthday coincides with a key holiday, causing pain and suffering and depriving you of your fair share of attention and gifts.
Q: Wow! Can I also modify my birth year?
A: How old are you?
Q: 37.
A: I’m afraid not. But you’re free to lie like everyone else.
*****
Ms. Legal Person answers more of your holiday questions here.
(You can find more holiday humor here.)
I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! And now that Thanksgiving’s over, have you finished shopping for holiday gifts yet? And braced yourself for your office Christmas party? And how’s that list of New Year’s resolutions coming?
Aren’t holidays fun?
But getting back to the world of poetry, Totally Optional Prompts has asked for animal poems. So here’s a very short one:
My parents’ poodle—
Their beloved pet,
The grandchild I denied them.
For a much lighter look at the same subject, here’s my humorous essay called A Poodle Tale.
Last, but not least, I’ve just start creating short humor videos starring — you guessed it — moi! So if you get a chance please check out My Family Needs Me on my other blog.
There’s nothing quite like a tough mental challenge. And I sure had a good time with this one, prompting me to write something (in my case, a limerick) using these three words: phone, stumbled and windy.
The Joys Of Winter
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It was windy and snowy. I stumbled.
Then I fell and my keys and phone tumbled
And slid down the ice.
I yelled words not so nice.
“How rude!” an old passerby grumbled.
And speaking of winter, it’s almost time to start worrying about your office Christmas party.
Bugged By Mosquitoes (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mosquitoes are driving me mad.
Seems a zillion are biting me—bad!
Sprays and lotions don’t work;
They keep chomping and lurk,
While ignoring my husband—the cad!
Update: August 20 is World Mosquito Day.
Thanks to all of you who participated in this, my first limerick writing contest. (And yes, I’ll be holding these contests regularly.)
The response to my spring limerick contest exceeded my wildest hopes – nearly 60 poems were submitted. In fact, there were so many wonderful entries — some poignant, some laugh-out-loud funny — that it was hard to select the winners.
But the voting’s in and the panel has rendered its decision. Okay, I admit it — it was a panel of one — me. Still, I did so much arguing with myself, that it felt like a much larger panel.
I’m awarding a First Prize ($25 in PayPal cash), a Second Prize ($10 in PayPal cash), and five Honorable Mentions. And the winners are…
FIRST PRIZE goes to Graham Lester for this lovely limerick:
Blossoms bloom, we’re in love, and it’s Spring!
How delightful, you’re going to sing!
You’re as sweet as a flower,
Yet I’m suddenly sour
As you say, “And now something by Sting. . .”
SECOND PRIZE goes to Bob Dvorak for this fine limerick:
Flight of fancy, my love taking wing
Joins the jaybirds and bluebirds that sing
As the days burgeon long –
Hear my heart beating strong
For my darling. I love you. It’s spring!
And five HONORABLE MENTIONS go to (in no particular order) …
J. E. Pettit:
It’s springtime, which means that my fancy
Is turning to thoughts of my Nancy.
But marry this summer?
I’d have to be dumber;
Her husband would kill us! Too chancy!
hugh t:
Passion’s flames have died down to an ember:
She is April; I’m chill December.
It’s a rather sad thing
To remember one’s Spring
When there’s not much spring left in one’s member.
Richard Stehr:
Through the winter I slog and I schlep,
But in spring there’s a spring in my step.
All the birds are in song,
And I’m singing along
With a throat that is strong…and not strep.
Mephistopheles:
That “Sproing!” that we hear is the sound
As our greenery springs from the ground.
Every Spring, there’s a chance
We’ll get rioting plants,
When their mainsprings get overly wound.
David Franks:
Though it’s cold, I find winter infernal–
Its dim, lifeless stay seems eternal.
Take this hiemal night!
Give me growth, life and light:
My favorite days are the vernal.
Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to everybody who participated. (You can read all of the entries here.)
And please stay tuned — I’ll be announcing another limerick contest very soon right here in this blog. I should be posting something about it mid-April, just as soon as I get my tax return done. And the topics will be — you guessed it — money and taxes.
Writing my Is It Spring Yet? limerick gave me an idea to launch the first of what I hope will be many limerick writing contests.
So here’s my challenge: Write a limerick related somehow to the subject of spring and post it here in my comments. I’ll announce the winners on the first day of spring. The first prize will be $25. The second prize will be $10. Both prizes will be paid via PayPal.
I’m looking forward to reading your entries!
UPDATE: This contest is officially closed and the spring limerick contest winners and their winning entries are here.
Please check back on this blog in mid-April, when I expect to announce a new limerick contest.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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