Never Tease Me With Teas (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I never drink hot or iced tea.
I just bag it as naught but debris,
Though it might pack a punch
Were it spiked, say with brunch.
But please leave out the tea-taste — that’s key!
NOTE: While studying up on today’s holiday, National Iced Tea Day, I was surprised to learn that tea in the U.S. was originally booze-laden.
I swear I’m not making this headline up: “SI Swimsuit Models on National Donut Day.”
Makes sense, cuz after all when you think “donuts,” you think “swimsuit models.”
On the other hand, tomorrow (the first Friday in June) really is National Donut Day. So I figured I’d celebrate with a somewhat more apt stereotype:
“I’m famished — need something to eat,”
Said a cop who was walking the beat.
“My last donut was noon.
I need sustenance soon.
Make it something that’s sugar-replete.”
Holiday Tip (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m presenting a holiday tip.
No it’s not what you think. Get a grip!
It is Waitstaff Day. See?
And I’m sure you’ll agree
That those folks deserve more than this quip.
(National Waitstaff Day — May 21)
I find jeans to be patently uncomfortable. But I’m dutifully celebrating the birthday of its patent — granted to Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis on May 20th, 1873:
Call them denims or jeans — I don’t care–
That’s one garment I simply won’t wear.
I don’t buy the appeal
Of its look or its feel,
And I’d rather go naked. Don’t stare!
*****
National Blue Jeans Day falls on December 5th.
Limerick Ode to National Beverage Day (May 6)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It’s National Beverage Day—
The vaguest of days, you might say,
Cuz your options are fluid;
Each bev’rage will do it.
Drink anything — scotch the bouquet.
Happy World Naked Gardening Day (1st Saturday of May)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Naked Gardening Day is tomorrow.
As I write this, I shudder with sorrow.
So I strongly advise:
Stay indoors, avert eyes…
Or give gard’ners some clothes they can borrow.
Limerick Ode to the Zipper (Zipper Day: April 29)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’ll bet Gideon Sundback felt chipper
When designing the modern-day zipper–
An invention surpassin’
The old ways to fasten…
And a slick trick to hook a big tipper.
I’m sensing the usual stress–
Nothing more, but alas, nothing less.
“Stress Awareness Day’s” here–
Not a day that I’d cheer.
Screw “awareness!” I’d rather repress.
Today, March 18, is Kick Butts Day.
Kick Butts Day Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Today is the day to kick butts.
No ifs, ands, or buts — smoking’s nuts!
For the cig rut’s a yoke
That can kill you — no joke!
So though quitting’s a drag, show some guts.
Word Hoarder (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
With words, I am rather a hoarder.
My brain is a language importer.
Is it all for the birds?
How I long for my words
To arise in a risible order.
UPDATE: I just found out that January 9th was National Word Nerd Day.
Attention Pyro-Gourmaniacs! Are you all ready for Hot And Spicy Food Day? (January 16)
Limerick Ode To Pyro-Gourmaniacs
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Since my taste favors flavors that hurt,
“It’s not spicy enough,” I’ll assert,
As I dive for the water,
Which worsens the slaughter;
Can’t save taste buds for sav’ry dessert.
Limerick Ode To “Clean Off Your Desk Day.”
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It’s “Clean Off Your Desk Day” today.
I examine my mess with dismay.
What a foolscap-prediction–
That “paperless” fiction.
Laptops save us? The trees all say, “Nay!”
(The second Monday of January is “National Clean Off Your Desk Day.”)
View my Clean Desk Limerick image here.
Happy “National Bird Day!”
A birder who’d frequently swear
His toupée was in fact his real hair,
Was caught by a gust,
And his toupe, not just mussed,
Flew the coop, leaving pate rather bare.
*****
“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” —
People tell me that all of the time.
Such axioms give me a pain in the tush.
Were I queen, I would make them a crime.
Limerick Ode To National Trivia Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I will not even bother to cram
For Trivia Day — what a jam!
It’s tomorrow — I’m late!
A few hours ain’t great
For a mind that’s alas on the lam.
Happy “National Day of the Horse.”
Till I’m hoarse, I of course shall endorse
The “National Day of the Horse.”
On the racecourse or farm
Or police force, what charm!
(It had better not be your main course.)
Limerick Ode To Homemade Bread Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It is Homemade Bread Day, but don’t make me.
Even future bread begs, “Please don’t bake me!”
I’m not good with a stove;
Don’t know clover, from clove.
In the kitchen my brain cells forsake me.
Limerick Ode To “National Greasy Foods Day” (Oct. 25)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It’s “National Greasy Foods Day.”
What a concept! I have to say “Nay!”
Such a day sounds so cheesy.
The thought makes me queasy.
Melted brie? Hmmm, for THAT I might stray.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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