The driving instructor Jerome
Bellowed “Look what you’ve done to the chrome!
You have bashed in the grille!
Though I’ve tried to instill
Safety skills, seems I can’t drive them home!”
Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category
The Frustrated Teacher (Limerick)
Sunday, October 29th, 2023The Dissatisfied Patron (Limerick)
Sunday, October 22nd, 2023“Chef, your food has a terrible taste!
Take it back! You prepared it in haste,”
Griped a large, nasty man.
The reply, said deadpan:
“Well at least it won’t go to your waist.”
Hail To The Chef (Limerick)
Friday, October 20th, 2023The chef was a world-famous man,
Whose cuisine had its roots in Spokane.
But his famed bistro failed
And his customers bailed.
Seems success was a flash in the pan.
(International Chefs Day falls on October 20th.)
Limerick Ode To Info Overload
Tuesday, October 17th, 2023Does it feel like your head might explode?
Do you suffer from brain overload?
Here’s a trick you might try:
It should help. Wait! Stand by!
Seems I’ve lost my pc’s logon code.
(Today is Information Overload Day which falls annually on the third Tuesday of October.)
An Unnecessary Holiday? (Limerick)
Monday, October 16th, 2023For some inexplicable reason, today, October 16, is Boss’s Day.
(For the record, this isn’t personal. I’m retired, although I do vividly recall having a paranoid boss during my corporate lawyering days.)
I am cross and unglued, at a loss
As to what I should do, cuz my boss
Is a paranoid lout
With way too much clout,
Who drowns me in nothing but dross.
Limerick-Off Award (514)
Saturday, October 14th, 2023It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off. Congratulations to MICHAEL R. BURCH, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, submitted by him “with abject apologies to Ogden Nash:”
A fly with the flu foully flew
Up my nose—thought I’d die—had to sue!
Was the small villain fined?
An abrupt judge declined
My case, since I’d “failed to achoo!”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special FOOT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I have very large feet, so I choose
To buy oversized, custom-made shoes.
When the creek topped its banks,
All my neighbors gave thanks
’Cause those kicks served as first-rate canoes.
Congratulations to J.OCONNOR, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM.
His hair was combed neat and was parted.
His speech on decorum had started.
He straightened his back,
Spoke of manners they lack,
Then glared at the crowd as he farted.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Gail White, Janice Canerdy, Tim James, George Larson, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Jean McEwen, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: FIND/FINED-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FOOT-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
Donald snarls at the judge with a glare:
“You’re corrupter than Biden, I swear!
Are you outa ya mind?
That amount I been fined
Leaves me knocked off my feet everywhere!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FIND/FINED-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FOOT-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Mark Totterdell:
My feet are not neat or refined;
They have toes of some animal kind,
And the skin on each sole
Has the odd crack or hole
Like a cheese with a moldy old rind.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FIND/FINED-RHYME DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
Your intended must be very kind
And LUSTFUL! Please keep that in mind.
When you locate this man,
Grab him fast as you can,
Cuz a good man who’s hard is a “find.”
Terry Marter:
Her new drummer was such a great find;
His rhythm in bed blew her mind!
To his hot paradiddle,
She’d lie there and fiddle,
Singing lim’ricks, all perfectly timed.
Brian Allgar:
The doctors attempted to find
Something vaguely resembling a mind
In Trump’s head, but instead,
Found a short note that read
“OUT TO LUNCH.” With an ‘X’ it was signed.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My old cat has control of his mind,
And if he’s in the bathroom, confined,
He’ll summon his chi,
To shred the TP,
Always doing his best to unwind.
Tim James:
McCarthy was startled to find
That his caucus was out of its mind.
Disgraced and displaced,
He got thoroughly Maced.
Maybe next time he’ll be stiffer-spined.
Gail White:
Says Meghan, “I’m ultra-refined,
So I do hope the staff will not mind
Throwing out the dead tulips
And mixing mint juleps,
while I lie on this sofa reclined.”
Janice Canerdy:
Susie’s skirts now conceal her behind
(Most of it), and she’s not so inclined
To get drunk and start fights
At the bars. She delights
In declaring, “Look, y’all. I’m refined!”
Tim James:
A man from Hawaii opined:
“By my job I’m severely confined.
My plantation, I’ve found,
Needs attention year round.
Growing coffee is really a grind!”
George Larson:
I had a few drinks to unwind
And leave all my troubles behind,
But Officer Stubbs
Saw me pee in the shrubs,
And now I’ve been locked up and fined.
Tony Holmes:
We, the voting for Trump undersigned,
Wish to say even if he’s confined,
We’re still stupid enough
To call ev’ryone’s bluff.
He can rule from his cell – we don’t mind.
Tim James:
A homely young fellow named Nate
Mansplains constantly, irking his mate:
“I was happy to find
That it’s true: love is blind.
Were it deaf as well, that would be great.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FOOT-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
As the fight got increasingly heated,
To ensure that the king was unseated,
He declared that “It rankles
When, clean at the ankles,
With the swipe of a sword I’m de-feeted.”
Tim James:
A podiatrist thought it a thrill
To take up with a mistress until
His wife took him to court,
Cleaned him out just for sport.
For his sins he’s now footing the bill.
Lisi Nortman:
My son’s messy; we had a quite a spat.
And here’s what I said, “Listen Pat!
“Before you walk in
From wherever you’ve been
Wipe your feet on the neighbor’s front mat.”
Bob Turvey:
A toff who broke down in our street
Said, “Look lively, I’ve someone to meet.
You must give me a tow.”
So I said, “Sorry Joe,
I’m afraid they’re attached to my feet.
Jean McEwen:
Dick insists that his prick’s one foot long—
But Charlisse, who has measured his shlong,
Says that when it is lax
It is three inches – max,
And its girth shrinks to naught near the prong.
Lisi Nortman, for her “Fifth Grade Math Test Musings.” *
“Here I sit in the midst of my woe;
With fractions, I’m sure not a pro.
What’s one fifth of a foot!
Now I’m REALLY kaput!
Oh well, I’ll just answer “a toe.”
Terry Marter:
The drummer looked so cool and neat,
With his double kick-drums and gold seat.
He would snare all the chics
With his twirling sticks tricks,
And his sex-cymbal measured two feet.
Brian Allgar:
“They say that I’m tiny of hand.
It’s a lie, but I’ll let that one stand.
They can jeer at my feet,
But for one they can’t beat,
They should just see the size of my gland!”
Bob Turvey:
There’s a tale told in old Montreal,
Which goes, as I’m sure you recall,
That ALL feet are male –
Because, without fail,
Every foot that exists has a ball.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM)
Lisi Nortman:
Hubby no longer has any hair.
He has thrown out his comb in despair.
Now I can’t read in bed
On account of his head,
Which keeps sending a bald, blinding glare.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A snide critic who loved panning plays,
As he combed through his thoughts for a phrase,
Said of one ingenue,
“She can swoon right on cue.”
Alas, damning the girl with faint praise.
Rudy Landesman:
Every night he was combing the street
With the hope that someday he would meet
The love of his life.
(But don’t tell his wife!)
That corrupt guy was truly in heat.
Tim James:
I’m a faint imitation, it seems,
Of her idols, the men of her dreams.
I fall glaringly short
Of the men of the sort
That appear in the movies she streams.
Lisi Nortman, for her Senior Citizen Home Police Report:
“She fainted and fell off her chair,
Then muttered, ‘This Bingo ain’t fair,
Cuz I DID have B2
And I know what is true:
At my seat someone planted a glare.’”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Shoes v. Sneakers (Limerick)
Tuesday, October 10th, 2023Can’t recall the last time I wore shoes.
They’re too painful; it’s sneakers I choose.
I like comfort — not style,
And will NOT walk a mile
(Or a foot) wearing shoes. I refuse!
(National Sneakers Day is celebrated on October 9.)
Betrayal (Limerick)
Monday, October 9th, 2023A woman was feeling embattled
And more than a little bit rattled;
After telling “friend” Jake
Something secret, the snake
Quickly texted a journo and tattled.
Hackle-Raising Laughs (Limerick)
Saturday, October 7th, 2023There is little that raises my hackles
Like someone who constantly cackles.
Raucous laughs hurt each ear,
So I’d sooner sit near
A hyena or large pack of jackals.
A Close Call (Limerick)
Friday, September 29th, 2023A musician enjoying a fling
With a gal, almost bought her a ring.
What changed the man’s mind?
He was saddened to find
She mistakenly thinks she can sing.
The Confession (Limerick)
Wednesday, September 27th, 2023Said a gal to her closest friend Jean:
“Did you sleep with my boyfriend? Come clean!”
Jean confessed: “Don’t be pissed!
I told him, ‘Desist!’
Seems his language skills aren’t too keen.”
The Nasty Conductor (Limerick)
Wednesday, September 20th, 2023A nasty conductor named Flynn
Yelled, “What in the hell was that din?”
“Not my fault,” said a drummer.
“That gong is a bummer!”
“I’ve warned you,” said Flynn. “Don’t chime in!”
Yet Another “Connections” Limerick
Monday, September 18th, 2023There are times I feel smart as a whip,
Even savvy, and “with it,” and hip.
But for THAT I must score
A “Connections” game “four.”
Doing worse means I’m losing my grip.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FIND or FINED or DEFINED or REFINED or CONFINED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 14, 2023)
Saturday, September 16th, 2023It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FIND or FINED or DEFINED or REFINED or CONFINED at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to FEET, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best FOOT-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on October 15, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 14, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my FIND or FINED or DEFINED or REFINED or CONFINED-Rhyme Limerick:
Please don’t whine about being entwined
In indictments. You’ve caused your own bind.
In your quest for more wins,
You seem blind to your sins,
But you’ll soon be in prison confined.
And here’s my FOOT/FEET-Themed Limerick:
A bad snowstorm — we can’t use our wheels.
And my boots are a wreck, so the deal’s
That I’ll just have to wait
For the storm to abate.
Until then, I’ll be cooling my heels.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
While I stood on a rather long line,
I felt shaky and faint — too much wine!
Plus the sun-glare was strong,
And I DID smoke that bong.
(I was otherwise perfectly fine.)
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (513)
Saturday, September 16th, 2023It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One political faction –a horde —
Abandoned the pen for the sword.
But its plan was derailed,
And the splinter group failed,
Because no one would sit on the board.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the PITCH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The underdogs pick up the slack.
Neck and neck in the ninth; they’ve come back!
Last play for the cup;
The pitcher winds up,
Then the power goes out, – it’s pitch black.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: SINK, REFUSE, DAWN, ALARMING, CROWD.
Groused Aurora, “The moon sinks anon.”
(But she knew that the show must go on).
“In so many words,
My job’s for the birds!”
There you have it — the first crack of Dawn.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award for his clever Indictment Saga:
Through the years I’d become very jaded.
Would Trump face the music? I waited.
I’d gotten quite bored.
Alvin Bragg then restored
A small measure of justice, belated.The pitch of Trump’s whining got higher
As Jack Smith held his feet to the fire.
Stolen docs were the crux.
If you ask me, it sucks
They were left in the loo of a liar.More charges were crowding the field
Because Smith was refusing to yield.
He proceeded to fix
The main blame for 1/6
As Trump’s sanity tottered and reeled.A new day is beginning to dawn;
It’s alarming to think what went on.
Fani Willis may sink
All these mobsters, I think.
Like the shreds of Trump’s mind, they’ll be gone.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Justin OConnor, Sharon Neeman, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOARD or BORED-RHYME DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
Long after our water was poured
The waiter appeared, looking bored.
“I can tell by your suit
The specials are moot;
There’s nothing that you could afford.”
Brian Allgar:
They thought the much-feared water-board
Would unlock all the codes that were stored
In the Russian spy’s head,
But he told them instead:
“Most refreshing, that water you poured.”
Robert Schechter:
I’ve been Fermied and Einsteined and floored
By Dirac, and I’ve simply adored
Being Newtoned and Plancked.
All these men should be thanked.
But you asked about Niels? I was Bohred.
Janice Canerdy:
I was feeling neglected and bored.
Hubby kissed me. My low spirits soared.
I cooed, “Let’s go to bed.”
When he said, “Well, instead,
Would you fix me some lunch?” I was floored.
Lisi Nortman:
Her grounds for divorce struck a chord:
I asked, “How may I help you, Ms. Ford?”
Without shedding a tear,
Her answer was clear:
“For 55 years, I’ve been bored.”
Rudy Landesman:
At an opera he truly adored,
He never, no never, got bored.
In his own private box,
He pulled up his socks;
And in tune to the music he snored.
Brian Allgar:
Whenever the actor was bored,
He would dress as the Queen, and a horde
Of his friends came to tea,
Served with great majesty;
He never could reign, but he poured.
Rudy Landesman:
Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall
Made movies, and those were a ball.
Their films never bored.
Were they sexy? Oh, Lord!!
No need for their baring it all.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PITCH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
J.OConnor, for his Acrostic Pitch Limerick:
Prepare for a pitch that is great.
It might curve. It might sink or be straight.
The advice you should heed
Can be simple indeed.
Hit the ball if it’s over the plate!
Lisi Nortman:
Many sports lovers witnessed a pitch
With a very discomforting hitch:
The ball flew in the air
Unmistakably where
The batter would normally itch.
Sharon Neeman:
I’ve been given a Newf pup named Mitch.
When he runs, the whole house seems to pitch;
He barks and he drools
And he pees on my rules…
But (sigh) he’s so easy to scritch!
Terry Marter:
All I’m getting today from my muse,
Is a vacuous silence; no clues.
Each clever new pitch
I attempt, has a glitch
She could fix, put prefers to refuse.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A young rookie developed a glitch:
He’d swear (under his breath) when he’d pitch.
His old manager though,
Said, “Your pitch is too low.”
So he learned to yell, “Son of a bitch!”
Tim James, for his Imperfect Pitch:
A pianist who wasn’t too deft
Checked the key for a piece (to the left),
Saw one flat, and thought, “Gee!
This whole thing is in C!”
The result: his performance was F’ed.
J.OConnor:
He found a new spot, so he switched
From the place where his tent had been pitched.
The new spot he chose
Was where poison oak grows,
So he scratched all night long where it itched.
Terry Marter:
Whenever she tries to sing higher,
The sound she emits is quite dire.
She’s no Di’na Ross,
But she’s loved by her boss
Cuz she’s got the best tits in his choir.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder
A naked street artist named Dowd,
To an onlooker frankly avowed,
“I would never refuse,
To sketch YOU, if you choose,
But I’m happiest drawing a crowd.”
J.OConnor:
I know a nice fellow from Maine.
Who refuses to ever complain.
But a clog in his sink
Has him close to the brink,
’Cause his arm is still stuck in that drain!
Sharon Neeman:
Food pois’ning’s alarming, I think:
It makes an incredible stink!
Bad enough all that poo,
But the puke and the spew…
Come dawn, I must Drano my sink.
Lisi Nortman:
I awakened at dawn and I vowed
“No more lim’ricks!” (I screamed it out loud.)
Well, that lasted ONE day,
Cuz I can’t stay away–
Too far from the MADdening crowd.
Jean McEwen:
Overwhelmed by the mess in my sink
(Dirty dishes, beginning to stink)–
Then, a sudden caprice:
Dawn can handle that grease!
P&G draws me back from the brink.
Lisi Nortman:
I sank low, and I’d do it again;
I bent over backwards for Ken.
You might think it alarming,
But Ken is so charming,
That I helped him escape from the pen.
Tim James:
Said a guy who was amply endowed:
“Sure, this makes me stand out from the crowd.
Though some gals have refused —
They’re alarmed they’ll be bruised —
For the most part, the ladies are wowed.”
Rudy Landesman:
I refuse to get up before dawn.
I’d rather be quartered and drawn.
But don’t worry, my friends.
Before this day ends
I’ll be up and I’ll see you anon.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
The Weary Weatherman (Limerick)
Sunday, September 10th, 2023Said a weatherman, weary and old,
“I’m bored with my job, truth be told.
I’d prefer to report
On the news or some sport;
About weather I blow hot and cold.”
A Writer’s Lament (Limerick)
Thursday, September 7th, 2023I need to be funny today.
But, alas, I have nothing to say.
I can’t even concoct
A cute couplet; none’s stocked.
And my brain says, “I’m blocked. Go away!”
What Heel Invented Stilettos? (Limerick)
Sunday, September 3rd, 2023When I’m asked, “What’s your least fav invention?”
I waver: “Too many to mention!”
But when pressed, I select
The stiletto; feet wrecked
By the score just for leggy extension!
(National High Heels Day is celebrated on May 20.)
