MAD KANE'S HUMOR BLOG

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DOUG HARRIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The digital gremlins let rip
And chewed up my laptop’s old chip.
As it draws its last breath
With the blue screen of death,
How’s it playing an Amazon clip??

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special RELAXATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

He tried to relax, but he failed;
So a bowl of the best he inhaled.
He had hoped he would find
That it helped him unwind.
Now his train of thought’s fully derailed.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: DEFECT, SMART, VOICE, SHAME, TASTE.

Since my dog is so smart, it’s no wonder,
She barks, “Roof!” ev’ry time she hears thunder.
I share her perspective;
When weather’s defective,
It’s not something we ought to be under.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dale S. Biggs, Jean McEwen, Linda A. C. Fuller, Roger Haugen, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Rudy Landesman, and Gail White. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHIP-RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Jack Sprat and his missus would brawl
At each meal over grievances small.
He: “This plate has a chip!”
She: “Enough with the lip —
You’re lucky I feed you at all!”

Terry Marter:

He gambled his house and his ship,
Told the croupier gal “Let her RIP!”
She spun; the ball popped.
His heart (and wheel) stopped.
The loss killed him, – he’s cashed his last chip.

Tim James:

Willie Wonka was smart as a whip;
On computers he had a firm grip.
As his business had grown
He built one of his own.
It contained the world’s first choc’late chip.

Lisi Nortman:

Susie gave me a wonderful tip:
“You’re too fat girl, now please get a grip.
Though this may sound absurd,
You must eat like a bird.”
Then she left, and I pecked at a chip.

Dale S. Biggs:

A putt’s not a drive or a chip.
It’s a nudge t’wards a cup or its lip.
When it’s good, the ball drops,
But it mostly just stops–
And I can’t blame the grass or my grip!

Linda Fuller:

On his shoulder he carries a chip,
And there’s always a gun on his hip.
Don’t mess with this dude
’Cause he’s got a real ’tude,
And his sanity’s starting to slip.

Roger Haugen:

He swallowed a silicon chip
That migrated straight to his hip;
He’s now a cool chipster,
A solid-state hipster,
With 5G and great broad-band zip.

Dave Johnson:

That platter held nary a chip;
The same could be said for the dip.
Our guests had all gone,
But one moment lived on:
When everyone winced at my quip:

I did NOT meant to shock when I said,
“We’re having a hard time in bed.”
Our mattress – it sags!
Now on Facebook their gags
Have phrases like “came to a head…”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RELAXATION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

I tried jogging, but didn’t get far.
I’d rather have taken my car!
Long ago, I had zest,
But lately I’m stressed.
Now my fav’rite pursuit’s R&R.

Jean McEwen:

These alternative “types” are sheer quacks.
Their “advice,” said to help folks “relax,”
(Like that “mindfulness” crap)
Makes me just want to slap
Them or lash out in rage with an axe.

Terry Marter:

Slung my hammock across; tree to tree,
And unwound with good wine, and some Brie.
Gentle breeze in my hair;
Relaxation, right there!
Damn! I need to dash off for a pee.

Lisi Nortman:

After work, I can’t wait to see Judd.
He’s my Pit Bull and very best “bud.”
Judd is sweet and so kind,
And he helps me unwind.
After snugg’ling, I wash off the blood.

Terry Marter:

The William Creek pub draws me nigh.
I’ll relax; see Lake Eyre from the sky.
Then, my favourite deal, –
Their seven-course meal:
It consists of six beers and a pie.

Lisi Nortman:

Writing lim’ricks is how I de-stress.
Who cares if my house is a mess?
I don’t cook; I don’t clean.
I ain’t got no routine…
Except for the keys that I press.

Tony Holmes:

“I prefer, when I’m taking my ease,
That I not be disturbed, if you please.
What I do when alone
In my ‘man-only’ zone
Is protected by laws and decrees.”

Tim James:

There once was a bellhop named Chip
Who was helping a guest with her grip.
And I don’t mean her bag,
But her grasp. Then their shag
Meant that SHE was receiving the tip.

From her job she’d been recently axed;
Her anxiety level was maxed.
So she went on a trip,
Where she met handsome Chip.
The result: she’s extremely relaxed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: DEFECT, SMART, VOICE, SHAME, TASTE.)

Tim James:

In the sciences, letters, and arts
She’s a genius, with scores off the charts.
I give voice to this cry:
“She’s much brighter than I!”
I’m ashamed to admit that it smarts.

Rudy Landesman:

It’s a shame that you choose to decline
This elegant wine from the Rhine.
You say it’s a waste
And has simply no taste?
I’d say that’s your old vintage whine.

Linda Fuller:

Such a shame that he has a nice voice;
Intonations that leave you no choice,
But to follow his lead
Into every misdeed.
Such a man makes the devil rejoice.

Lisi Nortman:

How dare you imply that my voice
Reveals I don’t own a Rolls Royce!
I have such a smart mind.
Can’t you tell I’m refined?
In the theater, I’ve played Blanche DuBoyce.

Gail White:

I dance and I drink without shame.
For my actions I’m taking no blame.
For at seventy-five,
I’m still smart and alive
And a highly sarcastic old dame.

Terry Marter:

The young milkmaid appealed to his taste.
He voiced “Darlin’, yer garter’s unlaced.
It’s defective, you see.
Let me fix it for thee.”
She’s straight-laced now, – but no longer chaste.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When I narrate a lim’rick, my choice
Is quite often a “first person” voice.
If I could, I would own a
Much smarter persona.
This one’s dumb, but I’ve some that are woise.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!