MAD KANE'S HUMOR BLOG

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUSAN SETTJE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Every night when the hallway is black,
Naughty children are on the attack.
Is it army-men green?
Tiny marbles unseen?
No, tonight, I have stepped on a jack.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the ANNOYANCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Annoyances?! I’ve quite a few.
For a start, there’s that leak in the loo.
I’ve a regular flow,
As small gripes come and go,
But the big one’s still here, and it’s you!

Congratulations to JUSTIN OCONNOR, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.

My brain – it no longer has space.
There are things I will need to erase.
Yes, it’s time to eject
Stupid facts I collect
And let new pointless stuff take its place.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman, Terry Marter, Anthea Simick, Alice Lam, Bindy Bitterman, Tim James, Doug Harris, Justin OConnor, Jim Strossman, Tim Roberts, Jean McEwen, Marc Davidson, Bob Turvey, and Joan Perrin. Here their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: TACK/ATTACK-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though I sometimes will long to talk smack,
It is pointless to try; I’ve no knack.
When it’s my turn to diss,
I say something like this:
“Tell your Mother, go sit on a tack!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TACK/ATTACK-RHYME DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

My goal was to chill and sit back,
Read the paper, and then hit the sack.
But my plan was in vain
Cuz my OCD brain
Gave rise to this lim’rick attack.

Terry Marter:

At the carpet bugs’ party-time snack,
They heard a loud almighty wack!
When they turned, they saw Fred
Was apparently dead;
Fully hammered, – now under a tack.

Anthea Simick:

Please don’t think this a verbal attack,
But I can’t take much more of your flack.
I have bitten my tongue
At the insults you’ve flung.
Now I’m ready to give it right back.

Alice Lam:

Today, I have gotten off track,
But it’s not motivation I lack.
My cat’s on my lap
And she’s taking a nap.
I’m not lazy, just under attack.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Expecting a frontal attack,
One poor victim when strapped to the rack,
Face down, as it were,
Had no time to demur;
Some have said he was taken aback.

Bindy Bitterman:

Oy, that siren! An air raid attack?
A tornado glimpsed twenty miles back?
Nah, just Mary’s two kids
Doing what she forbids—
It goes off when they sneak in to snack!

Tim James:

He’s a Trumper, so cut him some slack.
He knows nothing but how to talk smack.
Since I don’t wish to carp,
I’ll say only: He’s sharp.
(Like a bowling ball, not like a tack.)

Doug Harris:

My dentist said; “Son, all this plaque
Is something you need to attack.
Start gargling and flossing
And maybe less tossing
Of sweets down your neck for a snack?”

Tim James:

He flexed, and looked forward and back
As he silently planned his attack.
Then he struck, and his prey
Lay in shreds, cold and gray.
Catnip toys cause more mayhem than crack.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ANNOYANCE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

She’s a tenant, about to receive
Legal notice demanding she leave
If she doesn’t get rid
Of her dogs, cats, and kid.*
You could call it her landlord’s pet peeve.

• a young goat, of course

Justin OConnor, for his “Annoyed Puppy”

As soon as he gets up to leave,
His dog barks and then nips at his sleeve.
He can’t take her to work,
So she barks, “What a jerk!”
Now that’s what I call a pet peeve.

Jim Strossman, for his “Exotic Pet Dealer’s Lament:”

Raising porcupines has for me been
An enterprise fraught with chagrin,
I occasionally will
Get impaled by a quill.
Man, that really gets under my skin!

Tim Roberts:

“Your hair is annoying,” she said.
“So please shave it all off your head.”
In order to faze her,
I got out my razor
And shaved off my nutsack instead.

Terry Marter:

Living closely with one’s kith and kin,
Was Plan A, but it’s under my skin.
So I’ve turned to Plan B,
Which will soon set me free,
But I’m gonna need more than one bin.

Jean McEwen:

A huge source of vexation, for me,
Is when folks fail to RSVP
To an invite – then show
Up and act just as though
They’re entitled to join in high tea.

Terry Marter:

I deal with those small things in life
That grow large over time, causing strife.
Like the wee gal I wed,
Who has outgrown our bed.
She’s now missing; the rumors are rife.

Marc Davidson:

It’s the cause of no little annoyance
Seeking gems with the proper chatoyance.
This search for a glint
Keeps my eyes in a squint
And calls for a deal of clairvoyance.

Lisi Nortman:

Fin’ly realized without any doubt
What the noise in my car was about.
The sound was so shrill
It was making me ill.
Bit the bullet and pushed my wife out.

Bob Turvey:

When I met a young dog in the street,
He yapped and then bit both my feet.
He then pissed on my shoe,
Dropped a huge smelly poo,
And his owner said, “Isn’t he sweet!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Says a soothsaying senior named Snead,
“As a Seer I’m still up to speed!”
He loves his clairvoyance,
But hates the annoyance
Of relying on glasses to read.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.)

Jim Strossman:

On the golf course from Spring until Fall
I swing at that freaky white ball;
I aim left, it goes right,
Sometimes right out of sight!
It seems pointless to aim it at all.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My cat is a creature prehensile,
And whenever she falls on a pencil,
She gets a good grip,
Then gnaws at its tip,
Till it’s rendered a pointless utensil.

Jean McEwen:

Anne and Victor were hopelessly geeky.
But then Anne, one day, donned a dashiki.
Her new look was so glamorous–
Vic got all amorous.
Kinky sex then ensued. Kind of freaky!

Joan Perrin:

In the mirror I no longer see,
Any vestige of glamorous me.
It is pointless, that’s all,
As I watch my face fall:
Norma Desmond, I turned out to be.

Justin OConnor:

There’s a strange, freaky jellyfish ball.
That takes place underwater each fall.
No longer deemed pointless.
(It’s just for the jointless.)
But glamorous? No, not at all.”

Tim James:

With the ladies I yearn to get freaky,
But old age has crept up on me. Sneaky!
I’d like to get stronger
So I can go longer.
This body’s become a bit creaky.

Terry Marter:

Looking glamorous, dressed for the ball,
Her breasts perky, though not very small,
In her see-through topped gown,
Were the talk of the town,
The word “pointless” heard nowhere at all.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

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