Archive for the ‘Limerick Of The Week’ Category
Saturday, February 29th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
They are stripping the mountaintops bare
And polluting the streams and the air.
Mining makes a huge gash,
So small payments of cash
Are coaled comfort for residents there.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CLOTHING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A spy sent a note to her chief.
How’d she do it? It beggars belief:
She inscribed it with care
On her guy’s underwear.
That’s the way she conveyed it, in brief.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Tim James, Beri Caram, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Diane Groothuis, Daisy Hyrkas, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CASH/CACHE” RHYME DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Here’s a TSA warning to heed:
If your state’s not yet legalized weed,
Expect agents to trash
All the hash in your cache.
(You’d best smoke it beforehand. Agreed?)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When Ogden was asked why he sought to
Write more lim’ricks than any man ought to:
“Not unlike earning cash,
It’s like breathing,” said Nash–
“It’s better to do it than not to.”
Tim James:
She’s a beauty, with style and panache,
And I know that my ardor is rash.
Oh, to lie in her arms
And enjoy her sweet charms!
It turns out, though, I haven’t the cash.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOTHING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Beri Caram:
I gathered the leaves of a fig
To wear on my prominent rig.
My wife said, “That stuff
Is barely enough
To cover up something that big.”
Tony Holmes:
If it’s true that, ‘Clothes maketh the man,’
I must get some as soon as I can.
Oh, it’s all very well
Living au naturel,
But it sucks for my seven-year plan.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
All the guys used to give me a wink
When I’d sit at “The Lounge” for a drink.
But I’ve stopped going there
Cuz I’ve nothing to wear;
Seems that choc’late made all my clothes shrink.
Brian Allgar:
My new Y-fronts are horribly wrong,
Manufactured no doubt in Hong Kong.
They are useless and silly,
Unless you’ve a willy
That’s Z-shaped and twelve inches long.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Well, Lady Godiva was clutch,
Riding naked for causes and such,
Butt rubbed raw by her horse.
One conclusion, of course,
Is the Lady doth protest too much.
Steve Whitred:
There once was a man, quite a prude.
In his nightmares he went around nude,
But exposing his skin
Caused him so much chagrin,
That he had himself fully tattooed.
Tim James:
An ecdysiast, smart as a whip,
Trolled the crowd with the following quip:
“In exchange for your payment,
I’ll doff my scant raiment.”
A fellow yelled, “THEN will you strip?”
Diane Groothuis:
A Scot in a very short kilt
Said “You see I am very well built,
And in my tight trews
You’ll get plenty of views
Of the sword which I keep in my hilt.”
Daisy Hyrkas:
There once was a gal named Louise
Whose clothes were infested with fleas.
They caused such an itch,
She removed ev’ry stitch
And called it the vermin striptease.
Suzanne Heymann:
A brassiere is a curse-worthy thing,
An uncomfortable harness — tit sling.
I get home and then boom;
Free my boobs from their tomb.
Whip the thing ’cross the room with a fling!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Beri Caram, Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Diane Groothuis, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest Filed under Contests
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (339)
Sunday, February 16th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The Old Mariner cried, “What the heck?!
With an albatross (dead) I must trek?!
Can’t I just drag a chain
To display your disdain —
Not this smelly old pain in the neck?”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special STRING-INSTRUMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
In the mountains, this small, remote nook
Is delightful, with woods, birds, and brook.
And the air is so clear!
Hold on, what’s that I hear?
A guitar and a banjo? Let’s book!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Tanja Cilia, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Beri Caram, Suzanne Heymann, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Andrew Sprung, Byron Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CHAIN” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
I had gotten my gal a gold chain
For a bracelet. She said with disdain:
“You’re a jerk; that I knew.
It turns out you’re cheap too!”
All this fuss for a tiny green stain!
Daisy Hyrkas:
I wove many a fine daisy chain
And danced without clothes in the rain.
You bet your sweet bippy
I once was a hippie,
But the pendulum swung right again.
Tanja Cilia:
Yarn-writers spin epics in vain.
Each saga, they link in a chain.
But real life zooms so fast,
They’re not destined to last;
In the end, just flash fiction will reign.
Brian Allgar: (Aftermath of Trump’s impeachment)
In a show that surpassed the Third Reich’s,
Traitors’ heads were impaled upon spikes.
They’d been hanged with a chain
On the White House terrain,
Live on Facebook, with millions of ‘likes.’
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
The foreboding chain letter was plain:
“Send this on, or you’ll suffer great pain.”
So I covered my ass,
Sent out letters en masse,
And let somebody else break the chain.
Jean McEwen:
Will we ever find out the full chain
Of events that led up to Ukraine?
(Trump’s corruption, that is…)
I doubt it, ’cause his
Is one grand feat of legerdemain.
Beri Caram:
Who knows who is nutty or sane?
One wonders and thinks, all in vain.
Your “brisk” is my “lazy.”
My “sane” is your “crazy.”
Oh please, won’t you undo my chain?
Suzanne Heymann:
The cop asked the drunk in the rain,
“Where to? It’s past midnight! Explain!”
“To a lecture; can’t wait!”
“Who gives lectures this late?”
“Just my wife, sir, the great ball and chain.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (STRING INSTRUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
I’ve been tutored to toot the kazoo.
My tunes and my rhythms are true.
But I can’t play a thing
On a musical string.
Yes I fret that I don’t have a clue.
Tim James:
Many gals in the orchestra face
An attempt by a guy (a disgrace)
To do sexual things
With the “babes” in the strings —
Though he still hasn’t got to first bass.
Brian Allgar:
She always made love with her fellow
As though she were playing the cello.
When she gripped with her knees,
So hard did she squeeze
That he gave an unmusical bellow.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
On the “practice test,” I have reviewed
All the answers, so I could conclude
That a hat’s to a head
Like a sheet’s to a bed
And the banjo’s like Spam is to food.
Brian Allgar:
I’ve lost count of the horrible things
That McConnell, Trump’s instrument, brings.
But let’s not forget
He’s a marionette –
It is Donald who’s pulling the strings.
Andrew Sprung:
A virgin violist named Vera
Fretted opening night, taut with terruh.
“If I whinny or whine
When my beau’s strings touch mine,
Then the whole world will hear of my erruh!”
Byron Miller:
String ensembles are musically mellow;
I’m a center front row type of fellow.
I’m also a flirt
And may peek up the skirt
Of the woman who’s playing the cello.
Dave Johnson:
With the lush tones her instrument brings,
She’s playing some beautiful things.
But finding a place
For a harpist to base?
She just might have to pull a few strings.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Andrew Sprung, Beri Caram, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tanja Cilia, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (338)
Saturday, February 1st, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Ray’s vineyard has gotten much praise,
Although wine’s not produced there these days;
A sweet treat’s all the craze,
Eaten so many ways,
As Ray’s raisins are raised by sun’s rays.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DANCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
As a girl she had studied ballet,
And she practiced her moves ev’ry day.
As she bent to that task,
Other children would ask:
“Can Anna come out and plié?”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, William Preston, Sharon Neeman, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Daisy Hyrkas, Roger Haugen, Dave Johnson, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DANCE LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
When we’re dancing, her eyes tend to glaze,
And I bask in their soft, dreamy rays –
Till I tread on her toes!
Then the swearwords she knows
Would outclass all the oaths in Roget’s.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
On Twitter Real Don would repeat
Nasty words he picked up on the street;
He’d use them to raze
Reputations, most days,
Then most nights beat a hasty retweet.
William Preston:
Though the sun and the moon have their rays,
One works nights, and the other works days.
Said the sun to the moon,
“Now, don’t set in a swoon,
But your rays are just merely a phase.”
Brian Allgar:
Once again, I am utterly pissed
By the rhyme-words that “Rhyme Word” has missed.
Disbelieving, I gaze
At the entries for ‘raise,’
But ‘erase’ can’t be found in their list.
Sharon Neeman:
Though the poker joint’s no-smoke these days,
It once reeked of old cigarette haze —
Till the day that Big Mabel
Tipped over the table
And cried, “I can’t see; I won’t raise!”
Byron Miller:
It’s regrettable we’ve had to raze
All your cities to naught but a haze,
But Commander-in-Chief
Loves his burgers of beef
And the cattle need grassland to graze.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My surgeon I’m happy to praise;
He is brilliant in so many ways.
His name’s “Doc Lapoint.”
He replaced my sore joint
And deserves lots of Hip Hip Hoo Rays!
Tony Holmes:
When a winsome young ewe takes his eye,
Farmer Grout isn’t one to be shy.
By the Moon’s eerie rays,
In the old-fashioned ways,
He romances the ‘lass’ on the sly.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DANCE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
The bar on the corner was grand;
You could dance to a real decent band —
Till the barmaid, no sport,
Took the owner to court
For misuse of a too-frisky hand.
Lisi Nortman, for her Hokey Pokey:
First the right foot went in and then out.
At our parties, the kids had no doubt
That the left foot was next —
Never made us perplexed,
And that’s what it all was about.
Daisy Hyrkas:
I stood on the edge of the chair,
Gave a kick and I danced in mid-air.
As I struggled and fought,
An irrelevant thought:
There’s hair on my legs. I need Nair.
Roger Haugen:
Embraced in a slow sexy dance,
She slid her warm hand down his pants;
The cannon was loaded
And promptly exploded–
So much for a one-shot romance.
Lisi Nortman:
When you dance, you must stay with the beat.
It’s the rhythm that makes it so sweet:
It’s “a one an a two,”
Really easy to do,
And sort of like lim’riks for feet.
Dave Johnson:
Some people, convinced they can dance,
Are nothing but preening and prance.
Their singular flair:
Waving hands in the air;
As bad as Sean Spicer? No chance!
Fred Bortz:
He argues as if we are twits.
His dance tears all reason to bits.
His Twist and his Mash
Transform logic to hash,
So we call it the Dersho-half-witz.
Brian Allgar:
She can do an incredible tango,
And wait till you see her fandango!
All this, if you please,
While she grips with her knees
An enormously fat, juicy mango.
Tony Holmes:
“If we dance in the old-fashioned way,
I might mount an unwelcome display.
Should you happen to feel
What I fail to conceal,
And you find it distracting, please say.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Byron Miller, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, William Preston, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 3 Comments »
Sunday, January 19th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A prompt for a line is a cue,
And a queue is a line for the loo.
A stick to shoot pool,
A cotton-tipped tool,
An O with a tail –- now I’m through.
Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special SIN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A wild, wily widower, Will,
On a lark, once went cuckoo for Jill.
These birds of a feather
Played sex games together,
And the cardinal sin fit the bill.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Larz, Thomas Vincent, Daisy Hyrkas, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Suzanne Heymann, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Peter Boorman, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CUE/QUEUE” RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
Her pool game – they started to mock it;
That shy little girl with a locket.
But, grabbing a cue,
She knew what to do;
Keep blasting their balls in the pocket.
Larz:
A naughty young nudist named Sue
Was checking out guys for a screw.
When she spotted his size,
She exclaimed with wide eyes:
“Oh, you’ll be the first in the queue!”
Thomas Vincent:
When approaching a modern day loo,
All ladies know just what to do;
Odd symbols of sex
Never trouble or vex;
They just head for the longest loo queue.
Daisy Hyrkas:
The actor’s awaiting his cue;
A loud and a stagy “Ah Choo!”
His partner can’t act,
Though to say so lacks tact.
(It’s a good thing that gal has the flu.)
Lisi Nortman:
My bananas were greenish in hue,
But I waited so long in the queue,
By the time I checked out
There was nary a doubt:
They were yellow and ready to chew.
Tim James:
A traditional Scotsman named Hugh
Started drinking at six, right on cue.
Around midnight he lay,
Kilt in full disarray,
With the ladies enjoying the view.
Suzanne Heymann:
If you want to avoid a long queue,
Just pretend you’ve come down with the flu.
Walk in crutches, then sneeze,
Cough a lot, cut the cheese
Till the others say, “Please, after you!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
From “cow speak,” we must take our cue
And translate “Don’t eat me!” from “Moo.”
And when old horses say
With a snort, “Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!”
We must picket all plants that make glue.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SIN LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
What’s “original sin”? I’ve been thrown
By the studies I’ve done on my own.
Because try as I might,
I just can’t get it right:
All my sins are already well-known.
Peter Boorman:
There was a young lass from Anstruther
Who had an affair with her brother.
The result of this link
Was a short spell in clink
And a daughter whose Aunt was her Mother.
Lisi Nortman:
Ev’ry Christmas we have a dispute:
Before company comes, I say, “SCOOT!
I have told you before
And I’ll tell you once more
Adam, please stay away from the fruit!”
Tony Holmes:
Oh, I tried to be virtuous – thrice.
Then I caved and surrendered to vice.
Goodness wasn’t for me.
I was bound, now I’m free;
If it’s naughty, no need to ask twice.
Daisy Hyrkas:
In dimly lit rooms, I undress
And I do things I’ll have to confess.
It’s for profit, not fun,
Cuz I charge ev’ryone,
Though it’s true that the cute ones pay less.
Suzanne Heymann:
“If you sin morning, night, or at noon,
In a fiery pit you’ll be strewn.
If you beat Satan’s drum,
Hell will burn all you scum.
But God loves you! Please come again soon!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Larz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Peter Boorman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, January 4th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said the poet, “My limericks veer
Towards the nasty and smutty, I fear.”
Upon saying this, he
Grinned lasciviously.
That’s the reason he’s called Edward Leer.
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Special SNOW-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
You can say what you like about snow,
Like, “Oh, Bugger!” and “Pack up and go!”
You can shout yourself hoarse.
It ignores you, of course.
Were I you, I’d just go with the floe.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Tanja Cilia Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, and Shaneka Antwanette Murphy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “VEER/SEVERE/REVERE/PERSEVERE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SNOW LIMERICKS)
Dave Johnson:
The weather outside – so severe;
With snow piling up far and near.
But lovers aglow
By the fireplace know
That a heat wave is imminent here.
Brian Allgar:
“Them scientists? Listen up, folks –
They’re eggheads who don’t have no yolks.
The cold is severe,
It’s snowing right here,
And that proves global warming’s a hoax.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I’ve written the “Song Of The Year.”
(Wasn’t easy; one must persevere.)
It’s a cute little ditty
And also quite witty:
“Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Just Not Here.”
Sue Dulley:
Dear Mad: Though I still persevere,
My muse has now left me, I fear.
Where I once was snowed under
With rhymes, now I wonder:
What caused that sweet snow storm to clear?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“VEER/SEVERE/REVERE/PERSEVERE” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder says:
Cried Sisyphus, “I’ll persevere!
I’ll inch this rock higher, don’t fear!
But then I must stop,
For if I reach the top,
What the hell will I do all next year?”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for this Acrostic Limerick:
A vehicle sometimes will veer
Left or right, when you don’t even steer!
It might well get you scared.
Go and have it repaired;
Now it’s safer. Get back into gear.
Tim James:
Here in Camelot, Queen Guinevere
Has discovered some boils on her rear.
In our kingdom, we’ve found,
Splendid doctors abound.
They’ve been using the lance a lot here.
Jean McEwen:
In my limericks, often, I’ll veer
From one line to the next, making sheer
Nonsense verse — which, though terse,
Gets more dopey and worse
By the line. (I am no Edward Lear.)
Suzanne Heymann:
It’s sometimes quite hard to revere
A priest who administers fear
And who’s almost controlled
All the sheep; the blind fold
Who believe he’s their shepherd, so dear.
Tim James:
Said the trollop to Mrs. Revere,
“Paul’s out shouting to all, far and near.
The resistance is humming:
‘The British are coming!’
That’s true; I’ve been bedding them, dear.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Alone in his garret all year,
Van Gogh from his canvas might veer
To his one lonely chair,
Where he’d say to the air:
“Is there no one who’ll lend me an ear?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SNOW LIMERICK DIVISION)
Daisy Hyrkas:
The village is dusted with snow.
It emits a quaint holiday glow.
Such sights can deceive;
It is now Christmas Eve,
And Santa is jacked up on blow.
Tanja Cilia:
When the heavens are sending us snow,
Which turns the earth white down below,
I retreat to my cave.
I’m not one to be brave;
When the sun comes back out, let me know.
Jean McEwen:
Don’t be snowed! Does it not seem suspicious
When Kellogg’s proclaims they’re “nutritious?”
Frosted Flakes just won’t fuel
You like mom’s oatmeal gruel.
(Though they taste, I’ll admit, more delicious.)
Lisi Nortman:
To snowboard is terribly tough;
As you slide, it is slipp’ry and rough.
’Twas invented by jerks
With very strange quirks
Who feel skiing’s not lethal enough.
Tony Holmes:
Politicians and weathermen sin!
They can lie through their teeth and still grin.
They will tell us: “Black’s white,”
“There’ll be no snow tonight.”
And whatever the outcome, they’ll spin.
Lisi Nortman, who tells us that her acrostic limerick was inspired by Robert Frost’s
“A Patch Of Old Snow.”
From a distance, I looked down below,
Reflecting on times long ago.
Over hills, near a brook,
Spots of grime overtook
The beauty of winter’s lush snow.
Shaneka Antwanette Murphy:
My kids want another snow day,
But this surely will NOT be okay;
On snow you may trip
And fracture your hip.
So I said to them, “There-is-snow-way!”
Tim James:
I heard Frosty the Snowman assert
He was tough and he couldn’t be hurt.
When I kicked him “down there”
His loud scream rent the air.
Who says snowballs are hard and inert?
Dave Johnson:
It’s snowing again – what a treat;
Then it melts in the afternoon heat.
And day after day,
It’s always this way.
(This dreamworld of mine can’t be beat!)
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Shaneka Antwanette Murphy, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tanja Cilia, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, December 7th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a pool-rhymed and press-themed limerick:
Narcissus would hotly refuse
Every fact that disputed his views;
When his mirror-like pool
Showed a puffed-up old fool,
He bellowed in anger, “Fake news!”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Press-Themed Limerick Award for this funny verse, which is also a pool-rhymed limerick:
“Those reporters,” said Trump with a frown
“Are the worst bunch of traitors in town.
They call ’em a ‘pool?’
Well, let each lying fool
Take a dive in the deep end and drown.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Daisy Hyrkas, Tim James, Jesse Levy, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Michael D. Blum, Larz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Michael Moulton, and Sjaan VandenBroeder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“POOL” RHYME DIVISION)
Daisy Hyrkas:
I employ my épée as a tool
As we fence at the edge of the pool.
If I happen to sway,
We do water ballet,
As we jointly perform pas de duel.
Tim James:
A fellow, obsessed shooting pool,
Ended up doing something uncool.
He’s now known as the man
Who was late to the can.
Mind your pees and your cues ― that’s the rule!
Jesse Levy:
I once was proficient at pool,
And I thought I was pretty darn cool.
But I then played a “Felson,”
Who said to me “Well, son,
I think I just took you to school.”
Jean McEwen:
At my health club, they’ve posted a rule:
“Please don’t drool, spit, or pee in the pool.”
Yet, it seems there’s no stopping
Some members from plopping
Down huge putrid hunks of brown stool!
Dave Johnson:
Before they would head to the pool,
His wife had established a rule.
“I know you will spy
Every girl walking by;
No sighing and try not to drool.”
Tony Holmes:
It is best when at rest by the pool,
To lie prone, thereby trapping your tool.
With your manhood safe housed,
Should your ardour be roused,
There’ll be no telling tales out of school.
Michael D Blum:
He threw his genes into the pool
By using his wee little tool.
We know him as Trump,
That despicable grump;
Every offspring of his is a fool.
Larz, for his two-verse limerick:
The daring young babes at the pool
Love sporting their suits miniscule.
Naughty boys look alive
When those girls take a dive
Cuz their suits will fall off as a rule.
One denuded nymphet played the fool.
“Oh Mercy!” she cried, “Don’t be cruel.”
To no one’s surprise
She caused quite a rise
In the tools of the fools in the pool.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PRESS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her Acrostic Limerick:
Most people watch “press” on T.V.,
Expectantly waiting to see
Debates about news,
In depth theories and views…
And instead see the Prez on a spree.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My newspaper used to be sturdy
With features beyond more than wordy.
But now it’s on line,
Which works out just fine–
Till the floor of my birdcage gets dirty.
Jean McEwen:
Reporters today—so despised
By our POTUS—should not be surprised
If some MAGA fan, packing
A gun, starts attacking.
Alertness is strongly advised.
Tony Holmes:
I was hacking a slice off my boule –
I confess, I’m a sourdough fool –
When a news anchor clip
Caused my bread knife to slip –
Almost sliced off the family jewel.
Tim James:
It’s a fact that the press always skews
Their reporting on non-mainstream views.
They’re so lousy at that
They misquoted my cat.
’Twas a typical case of fake mews.
Dave Johnson:
They write for the Times and the Post;
In detail that’s stronger than most.
Here’s hoping one day
Their headlines will say:
“IT’S OVER -THIS P.O.T.U.S. IS TOAST!”
Suzanne Heymann:
Paparazzi, reporters, the press
Like to find famous folk who transgress.
Now isn’t it funny
That even hush money
Can’t sweeten (like honey) their mess!
Mike Moulton:
Said Trump to the press, looking smug,
With his usual leer and a shrug:
“The House won’t get far,
Because I’ve got Bill Barr,
Who will sweep my crimes under the rug.”
Tim James:
Mr. Gutenberg never could guess
What some people would print with his press:
Gossip, lies, and abuse.
For such stuff there’s one use:
In a birdcage, to clean up the mess.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Jesse Levy, Larz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Michael D. Blum, Mike Moulton, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (334)
Saturday, November 9th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One night, I undid my car’s lock,
Then I watched from afar like a hawk.
Along came a robber.
I smiled, dripping slobber.
With what did I clobber? A rock!
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special JAZZ-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
In a very conservative nation
Where musical improvisation
Is viewed with disdain,
Playing jazz leads to pain
From a sentence of defenestration.
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse:
Tony Holmes:
‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”
“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”
‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’
“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”
The rest of this saga is here.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Suzanne Heymann, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Roger Haugen, John Bergstrom, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOCK” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Delilah!” cried Samson in shock,
“This haircut will make people gawk.”
Then he tried to stand tall
For his manhood and all,
But went limp when she lopped the last lock.
Brian Allgar:
The voters, a gullible flock,
Had swallowed unthinkingly, lock,
Stock, and barrel, that guy’s
Endless boasting and lies –
Including the size of his cock.
Tim James:
An apparel firm pumped up their stock:
“It’ll double in price! It’s a lock!
Our source of success is
Our fine women’s dresses!”
The truth is, I don’t give a frock.
Daisy Hyrkas:
Miss Caroline stood on the dock
And dipped her toes into the loch.
Her foot probed the murk,
And she felt a sharp jerk.
Seems Nessie had pulled off her sock.
Suzanne Heymann:
My house is a place I don’t lock,
But burglars are in for a shock.
It’s booby-trapped well
And a nightmarish hell;
They’ll get crushed by a cell concrete block!
David Friedman
“Dear Guinevere,” Lance said in shock,
“This chastity belt thing’s a crock!
For why such attire
When each knight and squire
Has got his own key to the lock?!”
David Reddekopp:
The president boasts, “Man, I rock!
My victory next year’s a lock.
Of that fact I’ve no doubt –
I’ll win in a rout!
This I swear by my fifteen-inch cock.”
Roger Haugen:
Groaned Raul to the old Cuban doc,
“What’s causing my stomach to lock?”
As the man poked and prodded,
He solemnly nodded:
“It’s a Castro-intestinal block.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JAZZ-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Daisy Hyrkas:
She’s a big fan of jazz and the blues.
She lounges at bars sucking booze.
She channels Miss Ella
And sings a cappella…
While her boyfriend just sits home and stews.
John Bergstrom:
Messrs. Satchmo and Dizzy and Miles
All blew in their various styles.
Now up in the sky
In that sweet bye and bye,
They’re playing together at Ryles.
Jean McEwen:
While some jazz buffs get into a tizzy
Over bebop and swing, I think Dizzy
Gillespie is King
And Glenn Miller’s the Thing!
(Yes, it’s true: I still drive a Tin Lizzie.)
Roger Haugen:
What’s great about music called jazz
Is what the art hasn’t and has:
No thunderous din
For ears made of tin;
Just rhythmic/harmonic pizzazz.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Still groovin’ although he was blind,
He was certainly one of a kind.
Not a thing could compare
To his brilliant despair
When Georgia was still on his mind.
Dave Johnson:
The singer, a drummer, and bass
Recorded with smoldering grace.
It didn’t take long;
Peggy Lee’s biggest song
Took off at a Feverish pace.
Lisi Nortman:
We swayed and we spun and we twirled.
We hopped and we bopped and we swirled.
We danced with pizzazz
To something called jazz;
America’s gift to the world.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Bergstrom, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (333)
Saturday, October 12th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I said, “Sigmund, you must get a grip!
I’m not watching a cross-dresser strip.”
But he tuned out my plea;
Now I cannot unsee
What was under his Freudian slip.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Boss-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Mid-management suck-ups are worst;
Indulging their own selfish thirst.
Don’t ask for a raise,
Any guidance or praise;
The backsides they’re smooching come first.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “GRIP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BOSS-Themed LIMERICKS)
Fred Bortz:
The sailors all started to shirk
’Cause the man at the helm was a jerk.
He soon lost his grip
On the crew of the ship.
He was more Captain Hook than James Kirk.
Tim James:
My boss says, “I run a tight ship,”
As we’re crushed in his power-mad grip.
When I quit one fine day
I’ll look over his way;
The proverbial bird I will flip.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIP” RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
I swallowed the ’shrooms, took a trip
On a glorious, mystical ship,
And words cannot say
What I gained on that day
From the lesson of losing my grip.
Roger Haugen:
When the sickly old man took a sip
Of a potion with unsurpassed zip,
The flu quickly fled–
He leapt from his bed,
So glad he was losing his grippe.
Jean McEwen:
Dick just should have bitten his lip,
But, enraged, he tripped up (lost his grip),
So he shrieked at his shrink,
“Bitch, you drive me to kink!”
(Then regretted his Freudian slip).
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOSS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
Though I work every day at a loss,
My company won’t come across:
“There’s no money for you.”
And I know that it’s true,
Because actually, I’m my own boss.
Robert Schechter:
“Come here. Brush my teeth,” said my boss.
I did so and did not grow cross.
But I threw a big fit
And I threatened to quit
When he opened his mouth and said, “Floss!”
Dave Johnson:
A crabby, mean boss in Seattle
Grew sick of employees he’d battle.
But lately the word
Is he’s driving a herd;
He thinks he’ll do better with cattle.
Tim James:
His boss and he frequently clash,
And he suffers, as under the lash.
Here she comes, and he’s sure
There’s fresh hell to endure:
“If you would, dear, please take out the trash.”
Lisi Nortman: (Advice to the New Girl)
“Don’t get yourself into a tizzy;
You’re so nervous, you’re making me dizzy.
Remember, I said:
‘You must keep a cool head.
When the boss walks in, act like you’re busy.’”
Konrad Schwoerke:
The top dog at my firm is a jerk,
Always leering and touching at work.
But they laughed sans restraint
At my HR complaint;
Now the bitch makes me bump, grind, and twerk.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, September 28th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Simply nothing will ever surpass
The laughs when I took my whole class
To the zoo; found a note
From a very cute goat
Saying, “Hey guys, ya got any grass?”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special GRAMMAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Donald takes a rhetorical hammer
To bash any semblance of grammar.
We hope what he says
As a future ex-Prez
Draws laughs from his mates in the slammer.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Steve Benko, Bindy Bitterman, Tony Holmes, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
“Though they laugh at my spelling and grammuh,
At weather, believe me, I am a
Map-maker of note,
So it’s just like I wrote —
The hurricane hit Alabama!”
Lisi Nortman:
Way back in the munth ov July
I held up my banner reel hi
And karefully wrote:
“All u folks pleeze take note:
Bad Spellers!! We yall must UNTIE.”
Sharon Neeman:
Zoologists, please do take note:
There IS such a thing as a shoat.
It’s not sired by a ram,
And a goat’s not its dam,
And it certainly isn’t a stoat.
A shoat is a newly weaned pig;
Its hands — sorry, HOOVES — aren’t big;
It’s a juvenile hog
And it can’t dance or jog.
Am I writing too subtle a dig?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOTE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
The anthem that Francis Scott wrote
Screws the diaphragm, lungs, and the throat.
As I reached way up there
For “the rockets’ red glare”
I sprained everything hitting that note.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Old Noah the perv, you should note,
Would get off in the rain—let me quote:
“Sure, a sprinkle is sweet,
But when beating my meat,
It’s a deluge that’s floating my boat.”
Steve Benko:
“On Ivanka,” says Donald, “I dote,
But of Tiffany barely take note.
Though the Jewish one’s hot
(Why with THEM tie the knot?),
Her poor sister tends sadly to bloat.”
Bindy Bitterman:
When he slipped something into her tote,
She hoped for a sweet, loving note.
But it sadly turned out
What the note was about:
’Twas only Mad Kane’s weekly quote!
Tim James:
With his short stubby Sharpie, Trump wrote
An alternative storm track. “Take note:
’Bama’s gonna get hit.
They’re in really deep shit!”
(With the rest of us in the same boat.)
Tony Holmes:
An Italian tenor of note
Would, at times, lose his voice and I quote:
“If I sing … they no clap?”
He gets nervous, poor chap,
And the fear puts a frog in his throat.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
“Second person familiar,” said I
To my student. “Now give it a try.”
She used thou, thee and thine
And her grammar was fine ―
As I rested my hand on her thy.
Brian Allgar:
The Oxford professor was pissed;
He was shouting and waving his fist.
“I have told you before –
When there’s three terms or more,
A comma’s REQUIRED in a list!”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Grasping homophones makes me so proud
And proves that I’m quite well-endowed,
With a brain so acute
That there’s just no dispute.
(And now I’ll recite one allowed.)
Jean McEwen:
Those old scolds who incessantly yammer
About other folks’ syntax and grammar
Should just give it a rest
(Leave their views unexpressed)–
Or expect to get hit with a hammer.
Steve Benko:
I’ve been dating an English professor;
It’s delightful until I undress her.
During passionate sex,
Pillow talk she corrects,
And it makes my arousal much lesser.
Bindy Bitterman:
Aw, shucks, here I am in the slammer!
You’d a thunk I’d a taken a hammer
And I’d killed someone dead.
But what I done instead —
Was just murder that dumb English grammar!
Konrad Schwoerke:
A rigid grammarian, Guy,
Claims that HE knows what’s right, also why.
“It’s subjective, you see,
Not objective like ‘me’.”
So me poked this guy right in his ‘I’.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bindy Bitterman, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Steve Benko, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, September 7th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Nitroglycerin’s touchy, although
It’s quite safe in the hands of a pro.
Which I am. So don’t fret;
I’ve had no problems yet.
I’ve no fear it will ever explo―
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INTERNET HAZARD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
You ask, “Why does Donald use Twitter
To govern?” Well, what could be fitter?
With his phone on his lap,
He can spew out some crap,
While the rest of it goes in the shitter.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tanja Cilia, Suzanne Heymann, Mike Moulton, John Shardlow, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PRO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
In translation, I’ve earned my good name;
I have reaped recognition and fame —
Ah, but even a pro
Can be dealt a grave blow
By an innocent Internet game:
“Only 10,000 words for today?
Fine! I’ll just take a moment to play…”
But those “moments” can cost —
No words done! Six hours lost!
And now all I can say is “Oy, vey.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRO” RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
At a high-school debate long ago,
My opponent, alas, didn’t show,
But I was unfazed
And the crowd was amazed
As I argued both sides, con and pro.
Tim James:
His writing was that of a pro ―
A bit morbid and skin-crawly, though.
Talking birds, howling cats:
Stuff like that is just bats!
(A description that’s most aproPoe.)
Dave Johnson:
Some people are wearing GoPro;
Real handy for filming a show.
But here’s where its charm
Might be viewed with alarm:
Not turning it off when you go.
Tanja Cilia:
I bought a palatial chateau
For a long-lasting tryst with my beau.
But the plumbing was bust;
There was mold, rot, and dust,
And the place was all cons and no pro.
Dave Johnson:
My Labor Day burgers will show
I’m running the grill like a pro.
But knobs turned in vain
Showed a lack of propane;
It’s off to McDonald’s we go.
Suzanne Heymann:
If a worker says “Oops!” or “Oh no!”
Or appears to be nervous or slow,
Gives you sass or acts crass,
Has the brass to pass gas,
You can bet your sweet ass he’s no pro.
Mike Moulton:
One ev’ning, Melania said, “No,
My headaches do trouble me so,
And the baby won’t sleep.
Your urges will keep.”
Said Donald, “I‘ll hire a pro.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICK DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
Her message exclaimed, “You’re so hot!”
I was flattered. I said, “Thanks a lot!”
We chatted. I fell
Quite under her spell
Till I learned it was love at first bot.
John Shardlow:
I’ve heard from an African Prince
Who’s doing his best to convince
Me to share in his wealth
And transfer by stealth
Dirty money he’s trying to rinse.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
The Internet sure does “entice.”
(I’m obsessed with my wondrous device.)
But when networking broke,
I went downstairs and spoke
To my fam’ly; they seem really nice.
Fred Bortz:
The virus arrived undetected
In a message I never suspected.
The disguise was so slick.
All it took was one click.
My computer’s now sick. I’m infected!
Dave Johnson:
Some people we happened to meet
From an Airbnb up the street
Were full of despair;
Zero linens in there.
That really did happen – no sheet.
Sharon Neeman:
A Facebook ad showed Jim a blouse
That he thought he should buy for his spouse:
“She’s size ‘M'” — but what came
In the mail (to his shame)
Would have fit on an av’rage-sized mouse.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, John Shardlow, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mike Moulton, Robert Schechter, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Tanja Cilia, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Sunday, August 25th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Here’s a verse for a sympathy card:
“I regret that your life’s been so hard.
But mine’s been much worse
So I just can’t disburse
Any pity for you.” (Signed, “The Bard.”)
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special HOBBY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A couple went out one fine day
Watching birds (as they later would say).
They agreed to begin
With a cardinal sin
And to end by enjoying a jay.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Tim Gray, Roger Haugen, David Kay a/k/a LimeriTweets a/k/a WoodyGuth3, Bill Pfeil, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CARD” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
A.G. Barr plays the Potus’s card,
The “Can’t be indicted” canard.
This lying old creep
Sells his honor too cheap;
Let us hope that he’ll soon be disBarred.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
It’s important! You must disregard
Certain mail, even though it is hard.
Throw it right in the trash
As quick as a flash,
If it says, “Pre-approved Credit Card.”
Tim James:
I once knew a guy named Bernard
Who held gals in the lowest regard.
When he met one buff lass,
He grabbed hold of her ass.
I sent him a nice get-well card.
Tim Gray:
If you want to be feathered and tarred,
Tell the truth on Trump’s golfing score card.
Just double the score,
So a two putt means four,
But prepare to be roasted and charred.
Roger Haugen:
He grunted and sweated and sparred,
Tuning up for the big boxing card;
But worst came to worst–
Knocked out in the first;
All that work couldn’t shed enough lard.
David Kay:
Your contest just caught me off guard,
And your rules truly make it quite hard.
I’ll give it a shot
With the best that I got,
But I’ll have to bring in a Trump card.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (HOBBY-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Writing lim’ricks is quite an obsession;
You burst with creative expression.
Is it just a pursuit
To be clever or cute?
(Or is it demonic possession?)
Brian Allgar:
Our beloved Commander-in-Chief
Is heaving a sigh of relief.
His “hobby,” so lewd,
Will remain unpursued.
“Poor Jeffrey!” he cries, with fake grief.
Bill Pfeil:
The show’s graphic and gross! Viewers cringe;
It is vulgar TV on the fringe.
Moral decency? None!
“But it’s brilliant and fun,”
‘Rick and Morty’ fans say as they binge.
Tim James:
I was sick, bored, confined to my bed,
So my wife gave me needle and thread.
“It’s embroid’ry. Explore it!”
I’d no talent for it.
“Stick with it!” was all that she said.
Jean McEwen:
A drum majorette, past her heyday,
Was suddenly heard to cry “MAY DAY!”–
As her aim (inexact)
Got her skull whacked and cracked.
(Now she twirls just for fun, not a payday.)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I tried to get into the groove
And ski till I’d surely improve.
But I really got scared
And just wasn’t prepared
For the sign: “CAUTION: Trees Do Not Move!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bill Pfeil, Brian Allgar, David Kay, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Tim Gray, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 5 Comments »
Saturday, August 10th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A fellow was high as a kite
’Cause his girlfriend had made him that night
Special brownies and cakes.
Yes, she knows what it takes
For a guy to feel love at first bite.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special THREAT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A director whose films are quite lewd,
Would tell a new actor, “I’m rude
If somehow I fail
To disclose one detail:
Show up and you’re gonna get screwed.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Val Fish, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Kirk Miller, John Cooney, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BITE/BYTE” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
I am teaching our doggy to bite
Any yellow-haired morons on sight,
So both Johnson and Trump
Will be nipped in the rump
As our dog wags his tail with delight.
Val Fish:
’Twas a nightmare, a terrible fright;
Count Dracula taking a bite.
But then I awoke;
It was hubby’s sick joke.
He slept DOWNSTAIRS the rest of the night.
Jean McEwen:
“Fear not!” Trixie said. “Just sit tight!
Buster’s bark is much worse than his bite!”
And so, trusting her word,
I sat tight — but incurred
Twelve deep gashes I’m nursing tonight.
Brian Allgar:
I roamed through the forest at night;
One tree was surprisingly bright.
Two eyes in the bark
That gleamed in the dark–
Who could know that the critter would bite?
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I got rid of those bed bugs that bite
And now I can fin’ly sleep tight.
But what’s that I hear
Climbing into my ear?
Did something just say “Nighty Night?”
Tim James:
With the racism, rancor, and spite
From a dimwit whose head just ain’t right,
It’s depressing to know:
Eighteen months still to go.
May I please have a bullet to bite?
Robert Schechter:
What’s that? What you say isn’t right.
Though a dog when it barks is not quite
Being friendly, the cur
That I’ll always prefer
Is the one who just barks but won’t bite.
Kirk Miller:
A computer store owner named Wright
Has a good sense of humor and might
Post a sign when he’ll go
Out to lunch so folks know:
“Be Wright back, went to get a quick byte.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (THREAT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
He said nothing, made no idle chat,
But the threat was still clear, for all that:
“Great and mighty am I;
Disobey me and die!”
(That’s a typical ’tude for a cat.)
John Cooney:
“Hello, I’m not in at the minute.
Be brief with your message. Begin it
With age, sex, location,
And key information:
Your address and when no one is in it!”
Lisi Nortman:
We’ve only just recently met,
But already I’m starting to sweat;
She proclaimed, “Let’s get married!”
And now I am harried
Cuz that is one serious threat!
Dave Johnson:
To kiddies, a parent would drone:
“Behave – or you’ll sit all alone!”
That’s back in the day;
Now they’re likely to say:
“Enough – or I’m taking your phone!”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, John Cooney, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Val Fish, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (328)
Saturday, July 27th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
His pie made with herbs and key lime
Was disgusting, a cul’nary crime.
Though the chef’s name was Basil,
His dish failed to dazzle —
In fact, a complete waste of thyme.
Congratulations to ROGER HAUGEN, who wins the Special Investment-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The investments that pay off are not
What traditional wisdom has taught;
This wide-open field
Offers maximum yield,
Where the smart money’s going to pot.
Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
To save for retirement these days,
We rely on our 401(k)s.
But the people we trust
To invest (as we must)
Like to fleece us in devious ways.
Chances are that your broker has glossed
Over fees and expenses and cost.
He describes them as small,
But in no time at all,
Huge chunks of your money get lost.
We’ve none of us time to be scholars
Of the market, so nobody hollers
When the loss — over years
Of our working careers —
Mounts to multiple thousands of dollars.
Plus, here’s a conundrum that’s funny:
Let the climate be stormy, or sunny;
Be it bull, be it bear:
Still, your money’s not there
’Til you sell! Call it Schroedinger’s Money.
So your gains in the market you plot:
You think it’s real money. It’s not.
While you tally in vain
Theoretical gain,
Your broker’s off buying a yacht.
The truth is, although you may feel
That your agent’s small fees are a steal,
The money you make
In the market is fake…
And your broker’s commission is real.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Konrad Schwoerke, Jean McEwen, Steve Benko, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, Tim James, Bruce McGuffin, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and John Cooney. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TIME/THYME” RHYME DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Pete and Pam, perfect partners in crime,
Swindled suckers galore in their prime.
They attained great acclaim
In the Thieves’ Hall of Fame,
But today they are serving hard time.
Steve Benko:
A large gin and tonic with lime
May be needed to help pass the time,
For the Donald, I fear,
Still has over a year
To drain swamps and refill them with slime.
Byron Miller
To create pasta sauce that’s sublime,
Correct seasoning usage is prime.
Basil adds to the blend,
Plus oregano, friend,
And remember, good sauces take thyme.
Fred Bortz:
In Congress, some cheered, “Mueller time!”
Yet to hear him was far from sublime.
He seemed “long in the tooth,”
But delivered this truth:
Obstruction by Trump was a crime.
Will T. Laughlin:
I feel I’m committing a crime
By subscribing to Amazon Prime,
Where the workers must fight
With a quota so tight
That they have to go backwards in time.
Tim James:
She and I, in a warm sunny clime,
In a citrus grove had a good time.
’Neath a fruit-laden tree
She made sweet love with me.
The delight of that day was sub lime.
Bruce McGuffin:
I have given up wasting my time
In the search for that one perfect rhyme.
Literati raise hell
But most people can’t tell.
And the slant rhymes I choose work out fine.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INVESTMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Konrad Schwoerke:
I put all of my money in stocks
That I kept in a drawer with my socks.
This, my wife and her lover
Were quick to discover;
I should’ve invested in locks.
Lisi Nortman:
“Don’t invest all your money, dear Tommy.
Rainy days might just come,” said my mommy.
So I did what she said,
And I’m still in the red
Cuz I didn’t expect a tsunami.
Will T. Laughlin:
I thought my investment was sound,
But my 404(k) hit the ground.
“Don’t you mean four-oh-one?”
You may ask. Oh, my son:
404 means the File Can’t Be Found.
John Cooney:
There once was an old guy who said,
To his sexy young wife, so well bred:
“Wait up for me, honey.
Invest all our money
In cryonics, as soon as I’m dead!”
Tim James:
My financial adviser put me
In a pyramid scheme (for a fee.)
I wised up, dropped a dime,
And he’s now doing time.
In the end, though, I’m broker than he.
Steve Benko:
Said my grandpa, “Forget about stocks;
Put your money in bagels and lox.
You can make lots of mammon
By smoking a salmon;
My boy, opportunity knocks.”
Fred Bortz:
In the market some folks try their luck
When hoping to make a big buck.
But I’d rather play poker
Than buy from a broker
And hear him explaining, “Oh f*ck.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“What’s a Stock Broker?” asked my dear son.
“I’ve heard that the job can be fun.”
I replied, “He’s a brute
Who will take all your loot
And invest it until there is none.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce McGuffin, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, John Cooney, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Roger Haugen, Steve Benko, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 5 Comments »
Sunday, July 14th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Mosquitoes just laugh at my screen;
They somehow get through it unseen,
And night after night
As they swarm in to bite,
They say “Hey! A blood-donor machine!”
Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special Wind Instrument-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The string section thinks of the brass
As totally lacking in class.
The woodwinds, meanwhile,
Just sit there and smile;
They’re high on some really good grass.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bindy Bitterman, Dave Johnson, Will T. Laughlin, Kirk Miller, Walter Daum, John Cooney, Margie Nairn, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Jesse Levy, Tim James, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SCREEN” RHYME DIVISION)
Bindy Bitterman:
Little Mikey was charming, but MEAN!
He detested the guy Ma was seein’.
But he smiled and he beckoned
And at the last second
Pushed the guy Mama liked through the screen!
Dave Johnson:
He apparently wanted to preen;
His member was flashed on her screen.
She answered “Oh wow,
I’m watching it now;
Your pinky’s the cutest I’ve seen!”
Will T. Laughlin:
Believe me, I really don’t mean
To sound Luddite. But many a teen
Has been taught to insist
That is doesn’t exist
If it doesn’t appear on a screen.
Kirk Miller:
To decipher and know what words mean
Can be hard, as I’m sure you have seen.
There’s a word that I know
Which means “hide” — also “show” —
Contradictory meanings of “screen.”
Walter Daum:
A drone-guiding, fearless marine
Was fighting an evil unseen.
He stormed into battle,
For no foe could rattle
A man armed with keyboard and screen.
John Cooney:
My revealing audition on screen
Aroused the Producer, so keen,
Who had one single question,
Well, more a suggestion:
“Please tell me you’re over sixteen!”
Margie Nairn:
We bought a gigantic TV;
Hi-Def, it’s the best it can be!
But the set has a sheen
That reflects off the screen,
So there’s no bloody way you can see!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WIND INSTRUMENTS LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I play bagpipes; I’m always in sync.
Yet sometimes I sit down and think:
How good could I be?
Cuz most people agree
I sound best when they’ve had a stiff drink.
Brian Allgar:
“Grasp it firmly with both hands,” he said.
“Now go down on it, lower your head,
Purse your lips, and then blow.
Ah, that’s lovely! Just so!”
… She was learning the flute – you misread?
Will T. Laughlin:
What’s that terrible sound, like a dozen
Big blowflies contentedly buzzin’
’Round the ass of a horse?
Why, a Krummhorn, of course:
The kazoo’s less agreeable cousin!
Jean McEwen:
When away from my trusty spittoon
On the stage where I play the bassoon,
The saliva that drips
Through the reeds from my lips
Turns the sound of each note into ruin.
Will T. Laughlin:
“Men, horny?” My friend shook her head;
“We should call them ‘tromboney’ instead,
For the young ones take pride
In the length of their slide…
And the old ones? They’re sackbuts,” she said.
Jesse Levy:
I used to be good on the sax,
But my practice has gotten so lax;
With tonguing and fing’ring
I’ve just been maling’ring.
My horniness slipped through the cracks.
Tim James:
An orchestra struck for more pay.
Tempers flared; threats and anger held sway.
Then the woodwinds and brass
Got the contract to pass;
Non-violins carried the day.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Mr. Trumpet, I want you to know
That I feel it is time you should go.
We have done all that jazz,
And I’ll think of you as
A nice fella who I used to blow.
Steve Benko:
With the proper equipment for Scuba,
You could almost dive into a tuba.
All its depths you’d explore
Till a musical score
Caused its owner to blow you to Cuba.
Dave Johnson:
A bagpiper, Argus McDiffy
Was marching so proud and quite spiffy.
But wind gusts would come,
Thus revealing his bum;
Along with a crowd-pleasing stiffy.
Tim James:
I asked if she wanted to feel
My instrument. “Sure!” With great zeal,
She fingered and blew it.
From this I intuit
I’ve still got that ol’ sax appeal.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bindy Bitterman, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Jesse Levy, John Cooney, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Margie Nairn, Steve Benko, Tim James, Walter Daum, Will T. Laughlin, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, June 29th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A pirate who died in Dakar
Lost his booty at cards in a bar.
Giving up all that loot
Made his chest pains acute.
Sadly, no one there knew CP arrrr.
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special FARM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which is also a SALUTE-rhyme limerick:
Damn toxins get right to the root
And damage the veggies and fruit.
So on Earth Day we tried
To throw them aside,
And a worm gave a grateful salute.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Diane Groothuis, David Reddekopp, Tim James, Kirk Miller, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FARM LIMERICKS)
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Las Vegas has riveting charm,
But it also can cause you much harm;
If you aren’t astute,
You can lose all your loot.
So remember: Don’t bet the whole farm!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME DIVISION)
Diane Groothuis:
A flautist who played on a flute
And a lutenist playing a lute
Went busking one day,
But they lost all their pay
As the looter was much more astute.
David Reddekopp:
The prez is an ignorant brute,
An orangutan stuffed in a suit.
He, for all of his days
Seeks unwarranted praise,
But I’ll give the one-finger salute.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FARM LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
Farmer Bob gave a new crop a try
When his cash flow went badly awry.
The results have been grand:
Now supply and demand
Keep his profits and customers high.
Kirk Miller:
From the past, U.S. farmers don’t learn.
Lots of topsoil’s eroded; they yearn
For rich, fertile soil
In which they can toil.
Lack of dirt is a growing concern.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
The stampede of the cows caused him harm.
Then the pigs went and chewed off his arm.
From this horror he dropped,
Till his breathing had stopped.
(The old codger had bought the whole farm.)
David Friedman:
A horny cheese-farmer named Jay
Would shtup his poor cows every day.
The cows would start chewing
When he started spewing,
But it never did get in his whey.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Diane Groothuis, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (325)
Saturday, June 15th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
An airliner flushing its can
Flew over a sports-loving man.
While watching the game,
Through his roof it all came;
And that’s how the shit hit the fan.
(Dave notes that this actually happened during a 1992 Seahawks/Raiders game.)
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special PEST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Before you kill rodents, it’s best
To consider who’s host and who’s guest.
From their point of view
It’s most certainly true
That you and not they are the pest.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Charles Mousseau, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Ailsa McKillop, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, David Miller, Roger Haugen, and Bruce McGuffin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PEST LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
I bought and installed a big fan.
“Keeps mosquitoes away,” said the man.
They were false guarantees,
For the pests loved the breeze,
And the bloodsucking banquet began.
Brian Allgar:
Said an angry, disgruntled ex-fan:
“That swamp-draining promise? Oh, man!
Instead of de-pested,
The swamp’s more infested
Than even the day you began!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FAN” RHYME DIVISION)
Charles Mousseau:
“I’m sweltering on this divan;
Swirl the air just as fast as you can,”
She begged of her friend,
Who declined in the end,
With “I’m sorry; I’m just not a fan.”
Sharon Neeman:
An autograph-seeker named Stan
To invade a star’s flat had a plan:
He had come there, said he,
“To replace your A/C” —
Which made sense, because Stan was a fan.
Tim James:
Herb the gardener couldn’t abide
That he got no sweet love from his bride.
She hooked up with a man
Who’s a big oral fan.
Consequently, she tossed Herbicide.
Robert Schechter:
In twenty-sixteen when he ran,
The fall of our nation began.
The fires of hate
Did NOT make us great
But consumed us as Trump held the fan.
Ailsa McKillop, who notes that this is a true story about thinking one’s found a fellow Gilbert & Sullivan enthusiast:
The ticket evoked old Japan;
A geisha it showed, with a fan.
“‘The Mikado!’ The best!”
But the judge said: “You jest!
It’s Puccini, La Scala, Milan.”
Fred Bortz:
On his feet sore from bone spurs, he ran
From that war. (He was never a fan.)
An excuse, finely crafted,
Meant Trump wasn’t drafted,
And taught him that lies make the man.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PEST LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
Settle down! It is only a roach!
Just do this: As he makes his approach
Up your thigh toward your tush,
And then heads for your bush,
Grab the Raid Spray and dole out a dose!
Sharon Neeman:
Not the blood, not the frogs, not the lice,
Nor wild beasts and diseases not nice,
Could faze Pharaoh — but when
He hit Plague #10,
He grew weary of paying the price.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
With pests that are big, you say, “SHOO,”
But when they are small, that’s not true;
In our water bed we
Thought there might be a flea
When we noticed a tiny canoe.
David Miller:
I have smoked hairy spiders and slugs.
I have snorted crushed beetles off rugs.
I’ve injected some bees
And I’ve popped lots of fleas.
Yes I should have just said “no” to bugs.
Tim James:
I once knew a fellow named Riley
Whose bosses regarded him highly.
I thought him a pest
’Cause of what he did best:
Kissing management’s butts very slyly.
Roger Haugen:
The cops made a slew of arrests
In notorious criminal nests;
When asked why the fuss,
The Chief said “That’s us–
“We detest those pestiferous pests.”
Bruce McGuffin:
I’m a garrulous poetry rogue on
My way to verse worse than a Vogon.
My iambs suggest
Out-of-whack anapest.
Would it help if I put a fake brogue on?
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Who thought of the words “Pest Control?”
I think they are laughingly droll.
With these bugs I’m not thrilled,
And I just want them killed,
But to govern them isn’t my role.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ailsa McKillop, Brian Allgar, Bruce McGuffin, Charles Mousseau, Dave Johnson, David Miller, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (324)
Saturday, June 1st, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to HILDY ZAMPELLA, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Each evening, as darkness approaches,
See them scurry about, all the roaches.
What a friendly old dump;
Even rats nice and plump
Come on out just to say “buenas noches.”
Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special Cuisine-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My girlfriend and I in the kitchen
Make a sauce that we both find bewitchin’.
In this recipe French
She behaves like a wench,
And I peel off her layers of stitchin’.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Kim Norman, Dave Johnson, Bruce McGuffin, David Friedman, and John Edwards. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DUMP” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
He placed his gargantuan rump
On the solid-gold toilet. Said Trump,
On inspecting the haul,
“That’s the greatest of all!
Bette Davis was right: What a dump!”
Sharon Neeman:
As we jogged down the street past the dump,
I heard a most ominous thump:
The stench of decay
Made my partner first sway,
Then stagger, then fall on his rump.
Jean McEwen:
I have frequently wondered how Trump,
Who, possessed of a sizable rump
And comportment so haughty,
Approaches the potty
When driven to take a large dump.
Tim James:
A guy who was dumb as a stump
Took his gal to a landfill to hump.
She had too much panache
To make love among trash.
The result: he got dumped at the dump.
Tim Gray:
The Tower of one Mr. Trump
Is having a bit of a slump.
Tenant treatment’s appalling,
And values are falling.
Is it slowly becoming a dump?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CUISINE LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
When dining in China, I’m faced
With a quandary: Whether to taste
The still-squiggling fish
That they’ll plop on my dish,
Or head for McDonald’s post-haste.
Lisi Nortman:
Eating “whole foods” and seeds made me quake.
Grains and seaweed sure gave me an ache.
And when I first tried flax
I just couldn’t relax;
Turning vegan was one huge missed steak!
Sharon Neeman:
Mark looked at her glass and said “Gad!
What an awful drink YOU almost had!
The French may cook frogs;
Balinese may roast dogs —
But you just can’t drink ladybugs*, Mad!”
* And yes, I came very close to swallowing a ladybug. Fortunately, I noticed it swimming in my glass of water, just as I was about to take a large sip.
Kirk Miller:
By making some food in a flurry,
The cook got a raise in a hurry
From her Indian boss
For a fabulous sauce.
And she did it by favoring curry.
Kim Norman:
When people go vegan, they shout it.
Their food’s never butchered; they sprout it.
With tofu and grains,
They’ve unfettered their veins.
If only they’d shut up about it!
Dave Johnson:
The White House is lacking in flair
When champion sports teams are there.
It’s Big Macs and fries
For just some of their guys;
The rest skipped the whole, dumb affair.
Bruce McGuffin:
To eat with your feet is just rude.
It’s barbaric, revolting and crude.
But I’ve got to try it
As part of my diet.
Instead of meat, I’ll eat toe food.
David Friedman:
Said Anton, a consummate foodie,
“My dishes are things of great beauty;
They’re gorgeous, nutritious,
Gourmet and delicious,
But always just end up as doodie.”
John Edwards:
There’s a chef who likes venting his spleen
On TV, whilst preparing cuisine.
And his language I fear
Means no knighthood next year.
You CAN’T say “F… off” to the Queen.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce McGuffin, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Hildy Zampella, Jean McEwen, John Edwards, Kim Norman, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Steve Benko, Tim Gray, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (323)
Saturday, May 18th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
She was short, came from Maine, and she drank,
But by golly, in bed she could crank.
Her man’s love life was flat,
But she cured him of that.
All he needed was one little Yank.
Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Intimidation-Themed Limerick Award for this clever limerick, which is also a Crank-Rhyme limerick:
The lenders who ran Deutsche Bank
Decided to finance a crank;
A son of a bitch
Who claimed he was rich,
Though his bankruptcy record just stank.
Perhaps they were cowed by his power
And funded his ego-fueled tower.
Though they used other words,
The deal soon turned to turds,
And the stench sent them all to the shower.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, Bruce McGuffin, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jack Ritter, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, and Lisi Nortman Ardissone. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRANK” RHYME DIVISION)
Brian Allgar:
The Donald, a clown and a crank,
Played Russian Roulette as a prank.
But no harm was done
When he fired the gun —
Both his brain and the bullet were blank.
Craig Dykstra:
Looks like Mad is becoming a crank;
And her patience runs thin, to be frank.
This lim-writing geezer
Would like to appease her
But my brain keeps on drawing a … um … damn.
Bruce McGuffin:
Donald T. went on Twitter to crank
That his businesses didn’t all tank.
“For plebeians a loss
May be bad but a boss
Like me laughs all the way to the bank.”
Jane Shelton Hoffman:
A seafaring man was a crank,
And the crew finally yelled, “Walk the plank!”
He died still complaining
Because it was raining,
While into the water he sank.
Jack Ritter:
Kane said the last word must be “crank.”
So I tried, but I just drew a blank.
You rivals, I’ve heard,
Have solved the last word.
No doubt, you will earn higher rank.
Brian Allgar:
“My sex life is over!” moaned Hank.
“I guess I forgot how to wank.”
Said his old buddy, Buck,
“Well, it’s just like my truck —
To start it up, give it a crank.”
Tim James:
A man who was known as a crank
Gave a woman a pat on the flank.
What she said was so foul
In her subsequent howl,
To convey it, I’d have to say [blank].
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTIMIDATION-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
That Black Angus is pawing the ground
As if warning: “Beware – I’m unbound!”
But I’m simply unbowed–
Won’t be bullied or cowed
By that stare or that loud snorting sound.
Ken Gosse:
You’ll fail to intimidate me,
Though you stare while I water this tree,
Because I must make haste
In displacing the waste
Of traditional afternoon tea.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I QUIT! I have reached the finality!
I’m lost in my quest for normality!
What intimidates me
(It’s now so clear to see)
Is ev-er-y part of reality.
Tim James:
Multitalented polyglot Sue’s
Got a math Ph.D. Her IQ’s
Genius-level, sky-high.
But that threatened her guy,
So he now dates a gal at Fox News.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Bruce McGuffin, Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, Jack Ritter, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (322)
Sunday, May 5th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
On vacation, I paddle and grin
In warm seawater up to my chin —
But if I were a cuke,
I’d be wanting to puke
And would wail: “What a pickle I’m in!”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special POLICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Trooper Jenna’s a cop who will nail ya
While working her beat in Centralia.
If speeding’s your crime,
This would be the one time
That you don’t want to see Jenna tail ya.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, David Friedman, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Mike Burch, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Val Fish, and John Shardlow. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIN or CHAGRIN” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
A gambler, his face in a grin,
Took a gal to his place for some sin.
Well-known as a joker,
He started to poke ’er
And quipped as he did: “I’m all in!”
David Friedman:
The surgeon downed three shots of gin,
As his patient looked on with chagrin.
Said he: “This small step
Is an alcohol prep,
And your surgery now can begin.”
Jean McEwen:
Last night, when my Siamese twin
Overdid it with Beefeater Gin,
She and I both got smashed.
Now, hung over, abashed,
We’ve a mutual sense of chagrin.
Ken Gosse:
Three large ships landed far from the shore,
Where some shepherds, kings, camels, and more
Paid for rooms at the inn,
Causing Joseph chagrin,
As the landlord made profits galore.
Mike Burch:
Just thinking of Trump makes me grin:
I imagine glass walls caving in
And that fat flabby ass
Exposed, belching gas
That ignites and devours his kin.
Sharon Neeman:
As I walk my big dog through the city,
The joy on her face is so pretty!
The expression it’s in
Is… well, not quite a grin:
It’s more like a Smile of Great Pittie.
Brian Allgar:
Donald Junior displays, with a grin,
Yet another dead animal skin.
It is really too bad
That it isn’t his Dad
That the murderous creep has done in.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her Acrostic Limerick:
Lose that sadness and put on a grin
And set out to feel joy from within.
Under stress, you’ll pull through,
Getting pleasure anew.
Have a chuckle. Chill out. It’s no sin.
Tim James:
A Republican flunky named Flynn
Stoked a mob with a lunatic grin.
“Lock her up!” was his cry
As the lies he let fly.
When does HIS stretch in prison begin?
Val Fish:
With his sermon about to begin
The priest had to hide a huge grin,
Cuz just minutes ago
Out the back with a pro
He’d committed a cardinal sin.
Lisi Nortman:
My good pal always wears a wide grin.
He says “Life is just one big win-win.”
“Start each day with a smile,
Knowing all of the while
That you’ll end it with Beefeater Gin.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (POLICE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Jean McEwen:
When you’re drunk, heading back from the bar,
And a trooper pulls over your car,
There’s no point in insisting
You’re sober; resisting
Arrest just won’t get you that far.
David Friedman:
There once was a Chief of Police
Who tried to spread love and have peace…
And if you buy that tale,
I’ve swampland for sale
And a couple of golden egg geese.
Brian Allgar, who says: “Fake News, I’m sorry to say.”
The Donald loves copping a feel:
“Grab a pussy, and hear how they squeal!”
But he’s now doing time
For a sexual crime;
He was feeling a cop – no appeal.
John Shardlow:
It seems Superman’s got a new hobby;
He robs guests in the Radisson lobby.
He dons a red cape
And make his escape,
Pursued by an Oxford Street bobby.
Tim James:
A cop pulled me over, it’s true,
When I’d had a martini or two.
(Maybe three…maybe five…)
I said, “I’m drood to guyve!”
Now alas, like that trooper, I’m blue.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mike Burch, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Val Fish, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (321)
Saturday, April 20th, 2019
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“I am not apathetic,” said Lydia.
“That is not why I have to get rid o’ ya.
So don’t be confused
If I seem unenthused;
It’s cause YOU fucking gave me chlamydia!”
Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special LEMON-Themed Limerick Award for this clever acrostic limerick:
Low in fat, rich in vitamin C,
Especially good with iced tea;
Must try it on fish
Or a nice salad dish.
Not to worry; lots more on the tree!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sim Smailes, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Fred Bortz, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Kat Irving, Alan Hochbaum, Brian Allgar, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSED/CONFUSED” RHYME DIVISION)
Sim Smailes:
Led Zepp’lin could not be accused
Of letting themselves be abused.
Yet one angry fan
Let fly with a pan
And left them all “Dazed and Confused.”
Tim James:
A dude was extremely confused
When he heard the term “cowpuncher” used.
He thought: “Punch? Is that how
I get milk from that cow?”
So he tried it. That bull’s not amused.
Robert Schechter:
I went to sleep happy. It’s done!
The end of Trump’s day in the sun!
I was shocked and confused
When I woke and perused
The papers. The bastard had won!
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Sweet Granny was very enthused
And eager to read “The Accused.”
When I said, “It’s online,”
She remarked, “That sounds fine;
But where is the book? I’m confused.”
Fred Bortz:
“Your Honor,” he said, “I’m confused;
Was there something I missed while I snoozed?
The attorneys are boring.
That’s why I was snoring.”
So the judge glared and said, “You’re excused.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“EYES” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
I looked deep into Stephanie’s eyes,
And I knew she’d been telling me lies.
’Twas a blow to my pride
That she felt, deep inside,
I fell short of her standards for size.
Ken Gosse:
I become quite confused when I write,
Once my brain cells have fused for the night.
But that’s not a surprise,
Since the blur in my eyes
Comes from lemonade, whiskey, and Sprite.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My old teacher was not very wise;
She would drink and steal all the supplies.
And as blitzed as could be,
She insisted that we
Dot our t’s and then cross all our eyes.
Kirk Miller:
Said a young buxom gal to two guys,
“What I say should be no big surprise.
Here’s what I would like best
To get off my chest:
It’s simple — your four staring eyes.”
Steve Benko:
We made contact at first with our eyes,
Then in bed came her passionate cries;
By this Hollywood star
I got blown in my car.
What? You think that I’m telling you lies?
Kat Irving:
As she dances, I watch my sweet prize.
She has tender, young breasts; meaty thighs.
I’m a cannibal, me,
And all I can see
Is a truly great feast for the eyes.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LEMON LIMERICK DIVISION)
Alan Hochbaum:
Oh, let me not stammer nor hedge
’Bout my clunker that froze like a veg;
When I next need a lift
My new model will shift…
And that, folks, is my lemon pledge.
Tim James:
She sliced lemons to rub on her chest,
Neck and shoulders, then made a request
Of her man: “Be a peach;
Rub the parts I can’t reach.”
It’s a task he’s approaching with zest.
Brian Allgar:
“Them ‘oranges’ Darwin invented?
The guy musta been quite demented.
His theory is feces –
‘The Lemons of Species’
Would make as much sense,” Trump dissented.
Dave Johnson:
I owned a mid-Seventies car;
It managed to show me how far
(With handles that broke
And performance a joke),
That Mustang had lowered the bar.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My favorite flavor of Jell-O
Is orange; it makes me feel mellow.
The name of that fruit
Is its color (how cute!)
So why ain’t a lemon called “yellow?”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Alan Hochbaum, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Kat Irving, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Robert Schechter, Sim Smailes, Steve Benko, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (320)
